Episode 4 Ronnie's Animal Crackers

As a nation, we are just potty about our pets.

Lunchtime!

We are unashamedly animal crackers. And I'm just the same.

What do you think about that? HE CHUCKLES

But you'd be amazed at the sometimes baffling lengths we go to

for our pets.

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, dirty. That was silly, wasn't it?

The time...

Oh, that's lovely.

Yay!

The money...

-She looks like a princess!

-She does.

Not to mention the love.

Oh, yes, that's nice.

So join me as I enter the extraordinary

and often bizarre world of our pedigree pals.

Hello?

This week we enter the astonishing world of designer clothes for dogs,

with its eye-watering prices.

A bespoke outfit normally starts at £1,000.

Why should your dog not be dressed in the best?

She's admiring herself in the mirror!

We meet a man who is just mad about pigeons

and has one that's worth almost as much as a house!

In his heyday, probably worth 50, 60, 70,000.

And I return to the rescue centre where I got my dog Baz from,

to hear about the tough life faced by our nation's pooches.

Dogs that have been collected by the dog warden,

they only keep them nine days,

and if they're not claimed, they're destroyed.

Hybrid dogs, or so-called designer dogs,

that come from the mating of two different pedigree breeds,

have become very popular these days,

which means that one poodle super-stud

can father a bewildering variety of offspring.

Meet Jasper, in Bedfordshire, owned by breeder Annette.

Jasper is one of the UK's most prolific studs.

He has fathered an amazing 400 pure and crossbred dogs,

with a price tag of up to £900 per puppy.

His offspring is worth around a staggering £300,000.

He has sired miniature poodles, cockapoos, labradoodles,

shih-poos and he has also done one litter of jackapoos.

Dare I say it, that's a lot of poos to remember.

Good boy, such a lovely dog, aren't you?

'Jasper loves his job.'

And Jasper is a really nice stud dog,

he's very good with his ladies,

and he's a perfect gentleman, aren't you? Yes.

As a 12-year-old,

Jasper could be nearing the end of his breeding days,

so Annette's keen he passes on

as many of his fabulous genes as possible.

Today, he's meeting two-year-old cocker spaniel Maddy.

Her owner, Val, wants to crossbreed her with Jasper,

to have cockapoo pups.

You get the brains of the poodle,

which is more so than the spaniel,

and it also knocks some of the scattiness out

of the spaniel breeding.

You also have the big advantage that they don't moult.

If I was to mate Maddy with another purebred cocker spaniel,

the puppies would probably be able to be sold for about £450, £500.

But if I mate her with a poodle, they're worth about £800 or £900.

Which is ridiculous, really,

because they are mongrels, at the end of the day,

but they're very popular.

It's time for Jasper to meet his lady.

-Your girlfriend.

-This way, come on.

In.

Now, viewers of a nervous disposition

may want to look away at this point.

Who's a good boy? Come on.

-Good girl.

-Good boy. Very good boy.

-Excellent.

-Good girl.

-Good boy. Keep her steady.

Although they're doing what comes naturally,

the breeding process can be much more difficult than you imagine.

Bit of a help from the owners is often needed.

I turn him around because it's easier to keep control of both dogs.

It's normal for dogs to tie like this for up to 20 minutes.

-Sometimes he passes out, doesn't he?

-Yes.

-You've been here when he's passed out.

-Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes Jasper collapses in a heap.

-Yeah, it's all too much for him.

-Yeah!

Jasper has done his bit, but like any pregnancy,

there are all sorts of things that can still go wrong.

Good girl, come on, quick, quick.

I have to get her into the car quick,

so that she doesn't have a wee on the way,

and lose all the sperm that we've managed to get inside her.

All Val can do is wait and see if Maddy will fall pregnant.

MUSIC FROM HOVIS AD: "New World Symphony" by Antonin Dvorak

As you can probably tell by the music,

we're heading for Yorkshire now.

And if it's not a story about whippets, it must be pigeons.

-Come on, then.

-HE WHISTLES

Come on.

Mark has been breeding them for 40 years now,

and became one of Britain's top pigeon racers.

Champion Shadow. Shadow, his name.

People come from all over the world just to see him.

Probably one of the best pigeons in the world.

He's certainly the best pigeon in the UK.

He's 18 years old, he's not fertile, we don't believe, any more.

There's 27 first Open Classic and National winners

bred down from this pigeon.

In his heyday, probably worth 50, 60, 70,000 by a public auction.

My word. Between you and me,

I'm starting to look at pigeons in a whole new light.

I don't think, in my lifetime,

we'll ever come across another pigeon as good.

I'll be sad when anything happens to him, very sad.

It'll come the day when something does happen to him,

unfortunately, but...it will be a sad day for me.

Mark had his first pigeon at the age of eight,

and now devotes ten hours a day to his feathered friends.

I'm just fascinated with them. I just...

They come first, really, in my life, and they have done for many years.

There isn't a day goes by

without thinking what I'm doing with pigeons.

Even on holiday, I never switch off.

Probably sad, but I don't.

He tried to give up racing five years ago to focus on breeding,

but the passion to compete burns too fiercely within,

so he's planning a comeback.

But if it goes wrong, his champion reputation could be ruined.

You know, it's a bit like a boxer, I suppose.

If he isn't confident of coming back after having a retirement,

it's a bad thing to do.

So I wouldn't want to come back and make myself look daft,

I want to come back on a winning streak,

and I'll be trying hard to do it.

Today, Mark and his mate Dave are getting the pigeons

ready for a training workout.

We're going to have winners, I know we'll have winners.

There's no doubting that. It's just how many winners we have.

Mark is certainly talking the talk,

but is he getting a little too confident?

As the crow flies, or the pigeon, they are 30 miles away from home,

and it's time for Mark to release them.

Pigeons use a tiny magnet in their head and the Earth's magnetic field

as just one way to achieve their miraculous navigation.

But it's how fast they can do it that matters.

Well, it's 15:55.

I would expect today,

you'd be looking at about 40 minutes for them to return.

So, if they're in with that 40 minutes, they've flown all right.

These test flights are crucial,

as the pigeons are also actually memorising local landmarks,

but that's not the only thing they need to look out for.

We have a bad problem in the UK with hawks.

They have done us damage in the past,

and if a sparrowhawk happened to hit the race team

just prior to one of the big nationals,

it could put them off form for a good few weeks.

By the time Mark gets back, his mate Dave has some news.

-Come all right?

-Yeah. Yeah, they've come all right.

Most of Mark's pigeons have beaten him home, safe and sound.

Time to check the timing.

17 minutes past. 24 seconds.

A second and 25.

23rd and 25. 25. 26.

-Oh, they've come all right, haven't they?

-26. 26. Yeah.

I'll be honest with you, I have no idea really what any of this means.

But I'm sensing it's good.

The pigeons what's come today,

they've done it in roughly around 30 minutes.

If we can keep this up,

and they keep coming as well as what they've come today, yeah.

I'd be confident in putting them in any race.

So Mark's hard-won reputation

is soon to be riding on the back of pigeons like the lovely Lady Blue.

A few months' time, we might have a national winner.

I would have thought so.

I hope so, anyway!

We'll find out if Mark's comeback into the world of pigeon racing

goes to plan later in the programme.

In the meantime, let's meet someone who feels that her pet dog

is in need of an image makeover.

This is Beans,

a one-year-old whippet belonging to top fashion model Tuuli, in London.

Beans. Come. SHE WHISTLES

Come on.

But Beans is a typical unruly youngster,

very far from the demure little lady Tuuli would prefer.

I don't know why I think this, but she looks quite tomboy-ish.

She looks like a boy, everyone assumes that she's a boy.

I think the way she acts is, as well.

Tuuli wants Beans to abandon her laddish ways,

in favour of a more refined and ladylike demeanour.

Come on. Good girl.

Good girl.

So she's trying to persuade her with a complete stylistic overhaul.

I've decided to get Beans a bespoke coat.

She wears coats anyway, she's a whippet,

they get incredibly cold.

Because she's so tomboy-ish, I thought it might be quite fun

to get her something that was a little more girly,

a little bit more feminine.

For a coat befitting a fashionable lady,

Beans will be coming here to Shoreditch, in trendy East London.

This is an haute couture establishment

that makes designer garments just for dogs, and it's run by Lilly,

who charges up to £5,000 for bespoke outfits.

The people who come in wanting bespoke,

the things they've all got in common is,

the dog is an important person in their life.

Beans and Tuuli have high fashion on their mind. Well, Tuuli does.

Beans probably just wants to run around the park and jump in puddles.

Hello, Beans! Oh, hello.

-Lovely.

-Hello. Ahh. Shall we take her off the lead?

Sure thing.

Beans makes a beeline for the other dogs in the shop.

Not now, Beans. Remember we have to be ladylike.

I thought, first of all, we'd look at the different fabrics...

-Brilliant. Yes.

-..all the tweeds and amazing Harris Tweeds for Beans.

Tweeds look good on whippets.

Yeah, and because they're wool, they'll actually keep her warm.

-This is the Ellesmere, so...

-Very smart.

-Very on-trend.

-What do you think, darling?

This one I think may be too dark.

This is the Allerton.

-I think it's a bit masculine for her.

-Yeah.

I mean, you know, she's such a tomboy as it is,

it might be nice to not, sort of, bring that out.

Maybe something a bit more girly.

'A bespoke outfit normally starts at £1,000'

and it takes probably about 40 to 90 hours to make.

£1,000 for a dog coat?

It really is a quality item that will last you years and years.

And it's exactly the same as when you go for a Savile Row suit.

That colour looks such a beautiful contrast with her coat.

-I think it looks lovely on her.

-It looks fantastic.

Makes you look like a little girl.

-OK, so shall we measure her now?

-Sure.

I'm going to take some measurements.

Such a good girl.

You know, your dog, why should your dog not be dressed in the best?

Well, I hope my dog Baz wouldn't expect me

to shell out those sums for such fashion frippery.

You can see that she's such an unusual shape,

a standard...you know, other breeds that, basically,

aren't whippets or greyhounds, it doesn't quite fit.

Doesn't sit right.

I'd love to try a hat on her.

Just because you make such great hats, just to see

what it might look like.

It would be so much fun, wouldn't it?

TUULI LAUGHS

-Good girl.

-Oh, she looks gorgeous.

-She looks like a...

-Cute.

-She looks very French.

-Very French!

-Very French, like a little...

I'm really excited about Beans' outfit,

I think the colour is going to be great,

it's really unusual for a whippet to be in such a bright colour,

and I think she's going to look really smart.

You may think so, Tuuli, but the real question is

how tomboy Beans is going to take to this new look, and new persona,

once it arrives.

Recently, my wife Anne and I have taken on a new family pet ourselves.

He came from a rescue centre

and all we know is that he had a very disturbed early life.

We're having a somewhat difficult time trying to heal him.

Baz is the first rescue dog we've ever had, and today I'm going back

to the rescue centre to update them on how he's getting on.

I meet Denise, one of the centre's trustees.

-Good morning.

-It's brilliant to see you back again.

Lovely. What a day. Beautiful.

Brilliant, isn't it?

-Well, we've still got some of our old residents here.

-I see.

But, I've got some puppies I want to show you, they're just in here.

-Come and have a look at these.

-Right.

Look, what do you think about that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, darling!

Aren't you a clever mummy? All your babies.

Still pestering you for their breakfast.

How old are the puppies, actually?

-These are about seven weeks, now.

-Seven weeks.

-Yeah, and we've got...

-Gosh.

-..two girls and three boys.

-Eager feeders, aren't they?

-Yeah, they are! Yeah.

-My God.

-Yeah, she's such a good mummy as well, she's lovely.

They'll get found homes very easily, won't they?

Yeah, they will, very easily, yeah.

-We've had a lot of interest in them...

-Oh, yes.

-..so they'll be going home next week.

-They're so darling, aren't they?

Hello!

'Too many dogs in the UK lead horrendous lives.

'I mean, last year, 120,000 strays were picked up by local authorities,

'and many thousands ended up being put to sleep.'

Oh, dear.

This centre alone rescues 800 unwanted dogs a year.

-DOG BARKS

-Yes, I know, I know.

This chap came into us, sadly, due to a marriage break-up.

-Yes.

-But we also rescue, on a regular basis...

about once a fortnight, these days, we go to Wales,

to a dog pound, and we bring back the entire pound-load of dogs,

because there's an awful problem with unwanted dogs in that area.

It's dogs that have been collected by the dog warden,

and taken into the pound.

So, they only keep them nine days and if they're not claimed,

they are destroyed.

I've discovered that when Baz was rescued from death row in Wales,

he was just one day away from being put down.

He is one lucky dog.

How's Baz getting on?

Baz is fantastic.

I mean, he's seriously uplifted Anne's life.

I hope he's not taking your spot.

-I mean, he's still a bit frightened with me, a little bit.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-We didn't know his background, of course, so...

-No, no. But he's so lovely and so...

-Yeah.

-But he is nervy.

Still quite nervous.

I have a golf buggy of my own in the garden,

and just before dusk, you know, seven o'clock,

I go out with Basil on the lead, with the cart,

-so walking him further than I could perhaps walk...

-Sure.

-And Anne now sits in the passenger seat...

-Fantastic.

-..with the lead,

-and he trots along.

-Wow.

And last night, we...

I managed to talk Anne into letting him off the lead

for the last, maybe, mile, and he just trotted along there.

-Brilliant.

-And when he saw the gate, trotted ahead to go in it,

-so it was lovely.

-It's a perfect life, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Perfect life.

-It is.

Getting Baz back on form will take a while longer still,

but thanks to the rescue centre,

I can at least give him the love he deserves.

-DOGS BARK

-Oh, I know. Oh, I know.

I very much hope all these other dogs find loving homes too.

Back with Jasper, the poodle super-stud,

and Annette has some disappointing news.

Unfortunately, Maddy didn't get pregnant this time

and, as we all know, if you have sex, it doesn't always result in a baby.

But he has sired a litter of puppies since that mating.

So it indicates there isn't a problem with him.

I do hope it wasn't us that put him off his stride.

Going out somewhere special today.

Now Jasper is getting all spruced up.

He doesn't know it yet,

but Annette has organised a rather unique surprise party for him.

Today, for the first time, Jasper is going to meet his kids.

They've all gathered to pay homage to their dad.

It's a bewildering party, this,

with an extraordinary variety of crossbreeds and purebreeds.

Now, let me see if I can get this right.

MUSIC: "Daddy Cool" by Boney M

Meet Molly, Jasper's daughter with a Labrador.

Which makes Molly a labradoodle.

Ah, that's Dotty, another daughter, she's a purebred poodle.

That's Holly, another labradoodle.

But she seems to have lost her oodle.

And this is Joey, from a bagle mother,

that's a beagle-basset cross.

Does that make him a bagledoodle?

The party is full to the brim with poos, and oodles,

and they're all here to meet their dad, Jasper.

Bless him. Jasper just thinks he's going for a nice walk.

ALL: Surprise!

Look!

Who are these? Look.

Oh, I think Jasper is getting emotional, he might need a moment.

It's bagle, look, Jasper. It's your wife, it's your wife.

Hee-hee-hee!

Jasper, who's this? Who's this?

Hey?

But there's another reason

that Annette's gathered everyone for Jasper today.

Recently, his vet has found a serious problem.

Jasper has been diagnosed with cancer now

and so, this is the end of his mating career, and...

So today is a very poignant point in his life,

because it's the closure of children, and all the things related.

The vets think he'll only live another 6 to 12 months,

so everyone's more determined than ever to make the party

a glorious tribute to Jasper.

With Jasper looking on proudly,

they're holding a contest for the best-looking of all his kids.

Gaynor, the practice manager from the local vet's, plays judge.

This is a class for the offspring of Jasper,

and it's just picking an animal

that sort of looks at you and looks cute.

I'm thinking that we'll just let them walk.

To judge how they move, the dogs strut their stuff on the catwalk.

Or is it dogwalk? Holly's first.

It's actually quite funny

to see that you've got sort of a Labrador-looking...

that doesn't look like it's got any poodle in it whatsoever.

OK, the next one.

Oh, there's Dotty.

They all seem to be of a very similar...

They're all quite calm.

This one is Oscar, a beagle-poodle cross. Or a boodle.

We like him.

And I like the fact that it's all a big family, isn't it?

Which is nice, all together.

Oh, that's nice.

Parade over. Who's getting a prize?

-Third place goes to you. Thank you.

-Ooh!

Dotty, well done.

So that's Dotty. The purebred, who seems thrilled.

And second...to you guys. Well done.

-Thank you!

-There we go. Who's having that?

And that's Oscar, the, um...boodle.

There we go. Congratulations.

There we are. Thank you.

-Well done.

-OK? Well done.

And the winner is Joey, the beagle-basset-poodle cross,

looking resplendent in his handsome green neckerchief.

I didn't think that he'd win that one there, but, yeah, very proud.

Very proud.

He's a very worthy winner, he takes after his dad.

Don't you think, Jasper?

Well done.

This is Jasper's au revoir to the life of being a stud dog,

so he will just be a pet at home on the sofa now.

I'm very proud of him, he's been a good dog to me,

and they only come along once in a lifetime, as good as him.

So, yeah, he's a good dog.

That's very touching.

What a fabulous way to celebrate a much-loved pet's life.

We're back in Yorkshire with Mark, the pigeon man.

He's in the last stages of preparation

for his first race in six years.

But he's had a disaster.

His pigeons have been attacked by a bird of prey.

The actual sparrowhawk come over the fence

and went straight into the loft, followed the pigeons in.

By the time we rushed to the door to do anything,

as we went, it actually got one of them pinned to the floor,

and it was going at it.

Another few seconds and he would have had its, probably,

its neck ripped, or its back ripped and into it, to kill it.

Mark, luckily, did manage to rescue the bird that was attacked,

but it was his great hope, Lady Blue.

As you can see, where the hawk's grabbed her,

taken all the feathers out of the wing.

But the problem is what it's done mentally, upstairs,

here in her head.

She'll be petrified now.

She hasn't actually flown out of the loft since that day.

I am frightened to death that if we let her out,

not sure we're going to get her back in.

It is devastating, really, because she's won three races

and I think she would have carried on to win more,

but...that could be her race career over.

The sparrowhawk attack has not just affected Lady Blue,

all of Mark's pigeons in the loft have been severely traumatised.

Once mentally attacked like that,

they're never going to forget that, never.

So, you know, it's getting that confidence...

And they're no different than humans.

Some can handle the stress better than others.

So, really, until we watch them,

we're not going to know the full impact of damage of what it's done.

This is a huge blow for Mark's comeback into racing,

and it may have scuppered his chances of success

for the entire season.

You can't expect to win top-class competition

with birds that aren't 100% right.

We're just going to have to analyse it week by week

to realise if we're going to enter them pigeons again.

And finally to London, with Beans, our tomboy whippet.

She's waiting for a new haute couture coat to arrive.

I'm so excited.

Designer Lilly hand-delivers it herself to Beans' owner,

fashion model, Tuuli.

Oh, I love... I can't...

-It's like... Oh, it's so amazing.

-Oh, you should open it.

Oh, my God, the colour's amazing!

TUULI GASPS

Wow.

Now, I've cut it slightly bigger so it doesn't restrict her running.

-That's amazing.

-But put it on her anyway, so she's got movement...

-No, that's amazing, because she's...

-..and then, she's covered

-as much as possible on her chest.

-Fantastic. Oh, I love it.

-It's so beautiful!

-It's going to look gorgeous on her.

Incredible.

BEANS BARKS She's excited!

-And the hat.

-The hat.

That is very cute.

But what's rough-and-tumble Beans

going to make of all this girly paraphernalia?

Wow. She looks amazing!

She's admiring herself in the mirror.

I think the colour on her is so, so good,

it really makes her stand out,

and I think the fit, which is the main thing,

the main point of having a bespoke coat, is just perfect for her.

It just looks incredible.

There's two loopholes for her ears to come through,

so she can still hear.

Oh!

You look so chic.

But what on earth does Beans make of it all?

It's a cat!

Tuuli's married to top fashion photographer Rankin,

who's photographed the likes of Kate Moss and David Bowie,

even the Queen. She's persuaded him to photograph Beans.

-Come on.

-So cute.

Isn't it nice?

-It's very pink.

-TUULI LAUGHS

It's good. It's very pink!

I have to walk her sometimes, you know?

So...no, it's good.

It's beautiful - beautifully made.

-Good girl.

-You can see the detailing, Tuuli.

A session with Rankin can cost up to £20,000.

Today, it's Beans' turn in the celebrity spotlight.

OK...

And I must say, from the way she's behaving,

maybe she's OK with this ladylike thing after all.

But as we know,

I'm afraid there's more to Beans' outfit than just the coat.

OMG.

Oh, my God.

I like the jaunty angle.

-I like it so it's, like, one ear...

-The jaunty angle?

-Yeah, the jaunty angle. I think that's quite good.

-OK.

Let's get her in.

If Beans can live with a jaunty pink bonnet, she can live with anything.

That's so funny.

Good girl. What's this? What's this?

Want a treat?

Why do people like dressing up their animals so much?

It's so strange.

You said it.

It seems dressing up our pets is actually a growing trend,

to the tune of £30 million a year.

I sometimes wonder if we've gone barking mad.

She doesn't like that hat.

OK. Let's take it off her.

Beans has had enough for today, but as for Tuuli...

Oh, that's lovely. Yay!

That's amazing!

I think the final images look fantastic. And...

Particularly I really like the way that the pink stands out

against Beans' fur, I think it looks really good.

I do think that she managed to behave herself

reasonably well, and she...

It wasn't too hard to get the shots, so I'm very happy.

MUSIC: "The Girl From Ipanema" by Astrud Gilberto

Back in the park, Tuuli seems to have what she's always desired.

I definitely think that there's no question in anyone's mind

that she's a girl.

It's a pink coat.

And she definitely looks more girly and ladylike in it, I think.

I can always hope that it will have an effect on her personality,

and maybe, one day, she might be more ladylike, fingers crossed.

I'm not so sure, I think there might still be a tomboy glint in her eye.

Well, for now, it's good night from me.

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