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Coming live from the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, this is Sport Relief


2014. Please welcome your hosts, Gary Lineker and David Walliams.


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you. Hello Sport Relief 2014!


Hello! Welcome to the show. What a show it's going to be. That's right.


This year's Sport Relief is the biggest ever, big comedy, big sport,


big music, big surprises. Of course, big ears. That's a yellow card


before we start. What's more, Sport Relief has landed at the home of the


London Olympics, the magnificent Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, we are


here all night live from the Copper Box Arena. Not only that, we also


have taken over the Aquatic Centre and the Velodrome for... The Clash


Of The Titans! You do that well. Thank you. Tonight Sport Relief hero


John Bishop is going head-to-head with legend Lord Coe captaining two


teams as they take on five sporting challenges, first up let's go to


Gabby Logan at the Velodrome. Hello and welcome. The excitement is


building here. That is because we have some unforgettable television


moments coming up. I can promise you that. We have two gripping cycling


events and gymnastics as you have never seen it before. You do not


want to miss this. See you later. Thank you, Gabby. What an amazing


atmosphere. Over at the Aquatic Centre, bringing you every splash,


dive and sequinned swimming costume, it's Clare Balding. Hello, Clare.


Hello there, thank you very much. Hello to everybody here at the


Aquatic Centre. This was my home during London 2012. In that pool


tonight you are going to see things that you have never seen before.


There will be the most stunning synchronised swimming display and


the final of The Clash Of The Titans, and the title will be


decided here with a race in front of this wonderful crowd.


Amazing. Thank you, Clare. Up soon it's men's cycling elimination. That


will be closely followed by Patrick Kielty versus Greg James in the


synchronised swimming. Ah, swimming! I don't know if you are aware, Gary,


but I actually have swum the Channel and the length of the River Thames.


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Stop it! Yes, I was aware. You did


make me watch both your documentaries today. We can do a


quick talk and slide show for you later. Can't wait! We are so excited


that we are presenting together. If you don't know who this man is, it's


not my dad, this is Gary Lineker. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING


I am told he used to be a footballer. This is David Walliams


and I am told he used to be a comedian. It was a long time ago.


People have forgotten about it. But the good news is tonight there's


something for the mums. And something for the grandmas. Love


you, Gary! That's your grandma. You may joke but I am actually very big


with the over-80s. You are like catnip to them. It's time to get


ready to tap your feet and clap along, we have the biggest girl band


in the world right here performing this year's Sport Relief single,


it's Little Mix! Word up girls! That was brilliant.


Give it up for Little Mix! Brilliant. Word up to you, David.


You don't know what that means, do you? Not a clue. You can download


that brilliant single right now and please do. Let's try to get it to


number one this weekend. Now there is a reason why the girls


made the Sport Relief single, we asked them to go to a hospital in


Liberia to see why the work Sport Relief does is so important. It had


quite a profound effect on them. Here's what they saw there.


# Do your dance, do your dance. Tell me what's the word.


# Word up. In Liberia we were lucky enough to


meet some amazing kids. But, unfortunately, we also met some kids


for whom life is really, really tough. In this hospital we learned


that malaria still kills a child in Africa every single minute. Malaria


is the number one cause of death in this hospital. These are children


running around going to school, so that really can hurt.


There are sick kids everywhere we look. Nearly all of them have


illnesses that could easily have been prevented and now some of them


are fighting for their lives. Many of these kids have got malaria


because they didn't have a mosquito net to sleep under. Four-year-old


Anthony has been admitted with a severe case of malaria. As the


doctors try to treat him Anthony screams for his mum but all she can


do is comfort him, wait and hope for the best because in some cases of


malaria the disease can affect the brain. The mortality rate, the death


rate in children is for every ten you see, you may lose three or four.


Nothing can prepare you for what you are going to see. It's just so much


to take in. Everybody could have a chance to experience this and see


for themselves exactly what these children have to go through. More


than anything it's frustrating for me to be here. We are coming here


and as much as we take things for granted, they can get a net and it's


done. Tlas no reason for them to be ill, no reason for them to be dying.


No reason for that. That's why it's frustrating. It's ?5 for a net. It's


so hard to see. It's obviously a shock. The worse thing as well for


the mothers, it's not really a shock, it's almost as if they expect


the worst. A lot of people think that our generation don't do


anything and I think this is a perfect example to change that. So,


please, please give what you can. It really, really does help. It's just


?5 and that can save a child's life. Please call 03457 910 910 and give


what you can. Thank you. Girls, I know there's something you


wanted to say tonight. Yeah, just, it was heartbreaking what we saw and


it's easy to prevent. It's only ?5, whether you follow - if you are


sitting at home and want to help give what you can really.


APPLAUSE Thank you girls. It's really


appreciated. Donating tonight is incredibly easy. You can call 03457


910 910. Make sure you have your credit or debit card ready for


action. Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles will


apply. Or you can head to Relief and donate


money online. Or you can journey into the past and take your money to


any bank, building society or post office. You can even write a cheque,


yes, they still exist. Make it payable to Sport Relief and send it


to: There's one more important thing, no


matter how you are donating we would love it if you it -- if you would


let us claim Gift Aid tonight. Please make sure you say yes. This


means the kind and caring taxman will give Sport Relief an extra 25p


for every pound you donate. If you give ?1 we get 1. .25. ?10 and we


get ?12. 50. It's a no-brainer when it comes to Gift Aid, just say yes.


The show's just going to get better and better. Here's what we have


coming up for you tonight. Tonight on Sport Relief: Our Olympic


heros step into the ballroom. Welcome to a special Strictly Come


Dancing! Del Boy and Rodney are back with a special friend. If I asked


you to go into the high street wearing a sarong, would you? Well...


Miranda Hart gets sporty. Follow me in Miranda's... There is Mock The


Week with Andy Murray. The first look at England's official World Cup


video. A special celebrity Mastermind, music from Coldplay,


Katie B and Boy sds zone and Kylie performs a classic. And the The


Clash Of The Titans. John Bishop, be very afraid. Let's see what you have


got, Seb! A brilliant show in store and I must say, having done a fair


few Sport Reliefs in the past, nothing comes close to when Beckham


meets the boys from Peckham. Trust me, you really can't miss it.


Certainly can't. I'll tell you what, I'm also excited about Kylie being


on the show. Pf You are a very big fan, aren't you?


Yes, I just can't get her out of my head!


He's attempted comedy, oh! Please promise me you'll never do that


again. I promise I'll try my best. Tonight is all about raising money.


It's why we are all here, so please make a donation.


David, if I were to say moonlight butchers to you, would you know what


that meant? Yes, it was the nightclub in Soho where we


antecedent No, it's definitely not that one. That is it. A vertical


rock facing Utah. This week, Alex Jones took on the challenge of a


lifetime and attempted to conquer it for Sport Relief. Let us see how she


got on. This is Alex against the rock. After a 15-hour journey to


Zion National Park, I'm about to discover what I'm up against. Where


is it? That's it there. Oh, no. Oh, no, I can't. I'm not standing on


anything. Straight leg. Get your leg up. When I first met you, you said


the most important thing is for to it be hard. It will get easier. All


I genuinely want to do now is get off this wall. But I will not be


defeated. Come on, let's go. It's a little birthday cake. Happy


birthday Alex. Aw. It's quite impressive. Really impressive.


-. . Yes!


APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome


Sport Relief's latest hero, the incredible Alex Jones!


Wow. Congratulations, Alex. How does it feel to have conquered the rock?


I'm literally fresh from the rock. I've not been home yet, straight


here. Have you had a shower? I've had a little shower. Thank goodness


for that. I haven't washed my hair, but I've had a shower. I just feel


elate and overwhelmed by how much support I had and how generous


everybody was. But getting to the top, honestly, I breathed a huge


sigh of relief. I literally clung to a tree becausedown and being on


ground is underrated seriously. How tough was it? I'd bitten off more


than I could chew really. When we started, within the first hour, I


just realised what had was in front of me and I felt so small in


comparison to this huge rock, you know. Aisle not a climber,


obviously, but it was just really hard and just the exposure and the


height, it was all very difficult and it was pet reifying for three


days -- petrifying. What inspired you to do this? I dayed trip to the


Philippines about three weeks ago and the Philippines, honestly, it


looks like the typhoon's only just happened. I met three sets of


people, Patricia and Sadie who'd lost their siblings, Tess who, she


hadn't lost her children but she had to go and find them during the


typhoon and her story was incell. A lady called Delia who had lost her


home and her his and was living in a really small tent. -- story was


incredible. That moved me up to the top, it was very moving and


incredible. You have certainly gone above and beyond to help those that


need it most. So time now to see just how much comblourn amazing


challenge has raised. Ready? I think so -- -- how much money your amazing


challenge has raised. Ready? Yes. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


Incredible. Absolutely unbelievable. That is an unbelievable amount,


Alex, thank you so much. No, thank you to everybody who donated. Just


so generous. Please just keep ringing tonight because so many


people need your help. Brilliant, absolutely superb. So, Alex Jones


put herself on the line to take on the rock and now it's time to meet


12 more sbrep it competitors ready to push themselveses to the limit.


All in the name of Sport Relief. Let's go to the velodrome and meet


the two teams ready to battle it out in Clash of the Titans.


The atmosphere in here is electric! It's like 2012 all over again.


I'll tell you why, because we have two fabulous teams about to fight it


out over five Olympic events. To find out who is going to become the


champion of clash of the titleps 2014. It's going to be a night of


tears and probably tantrums, of sweat, Lee rowic effort, bravery and


team bonding. For one there'll be rejection, dejection, tears.


Despair. We'll support them every inch of the way. Ready to meet the


teams? -- heroic. I think the answer is yes and first up, it's Daily


Mirror Bishop. -- it's Team Bishop.


I've done the cycling, rowing, running. This is not about a week,


this is about one night. I've spoke to my team and we are ready for


this. I'll take nothing but the best from them. Freddie Flintoff. A


legend. He got me across the channel last time, he'll do it again. Nicola


Adams, a lady, a fighter, an athlete. Patrick Kilty, the most


athletic person ever to come out of Northern Ireland. Helen Skelton, the


most competitive woman ever. Nick Grimshaw is the surprise that we've


got waiting. And then there's me. Most of the time I'm just an


ordinary bloke. Not tonight. Tonight I'm a titan!


This is it. Let's see what you've got, Seb!


Now, let's meet them in person. Here come Team Bishop. Leading the way,


Freddie Flintoff. Next, we have Helen Skelton.


Coming up now, Nick Grimshaw. She packs a punch, ladies and


gentlemen, Nicola Adams! Here he comes, Mr Patrick Kielty. And,


finally, their Team Captain, John Bishop.


John Bishop, they look fit and focussed. How've you got your team


motivated? I said to them, just look at what colour you've chose to wear.


You've backed the winner. It was pure coincidence, I'm showing no


bias. It wasn't a coincidence, I bought them clothes for you, let's


be honest. Ladies and gentlemen of the juries


Team Bishop! -- ladies and gentlemen, Team


Bishop. Let's have a look at Team Coe. I'm Seb Coe, Captain of the


team, I was a middle distance runner, won medals, broke records


and headed up the team that delivered the Olympic and Paralympic


Games. Pf I have no intention of losing. I've


got The A-Team here, John Bishop, be very afraid.


Greg James, he'll be making waves for Team Coe. Olly Murs, he's ready


for his greatest performance ever. Amy Williams, she's the ice Queen


with nerves of steel. Sally Phillips, she's the joker in the


pack. Richard Bacon, he's got the talk and I know he can walk the


walk. And then there's me. I've got a few


tricks up my sleeve. Team Bishop, we 're coming for you!


And here are Team Coe in the flesh. First up, it's Olly Murs.


Sally films. -- Sally Phillips. Greg James.


Amy Williams. Richard Bacon.


And we have the Bishop 's opposition, Seb Coe!


All right, don't milk it, don't milk it!


I just passed him in the corridor earlier and he said, don't speak to


me, I'm in the zone. A lot of team bonding going on there, are you


winners though? We are in the zone. We are going to win tonight. This is


what you built these venues for? This is what we have been building


up to, all the rest was detail. I can smell it. Slightly concerned


about Seb's mental state. The teams will compete in four Olympic events.


They'll win points for each event. Those points will be converted, not


into prizes, but into time and that time will be crucial because the


final event which will decide the winner is a swimming relay and the


more points you have, the greater the head start, it's crucial. That


means nobody will be out of it when we get to that final event. We have


a long way to go before then. Plenty of opportunities for points. The


first event will be the men's cycling elimination. That means


somebody here, some of these blokes will be in line for it. You don't


want to miss it. Great fighting talk. Team Bishop and


team Coe are clearly up for this. The gloves are well and truly off.


You are very good at this. I think you could do presenting as a job.


Even you must have seen Match Of The Day, surely? Sorry, Gary, I don't


like tennis. I want to tell you something which I think is really


important for every pound you donate tonight, half of it will be spent


right here in the UK. I think that matters and I know you


do too. Since we started Sport Relief 12 years ago, we have given


grants of nearly ?100 million to projects doing hugely important work


right here. And there's a lot more to be done.


How do you comfort someone who feels completely isolated and completely


alone? For 65 year, we were together all the time. What can you do to


help a family whose home has been destroyed? I can't stop shaking.


Sorry. How would you make life easier for a mum struggling to buy


food for her children? She's my life. We make games to do because we


can't have breakfast. How can you be there for someone battling mental


illness? I thought I was worthless, didn't see the point in me living


any more. What could you possibly say to a child to make things better


after they lose someone they love? As a mum, I wanted to make things


better. It was the hardest thing ever. Tonight right here in the UK


tonight, there are thousands of people who need help in the UK. I


miss my dad. The hardest thing is to know that she won't get better.


Sometimes it's hard to know the answers. To find the right words. Or


to know what to do to make their lives any better.


But, 50% of all Sport Relief donation. Hopes over 2,000 projects


in the UK. Dedicated to doing just that. I'm 92. I have bad days but I


know now how to control them. Whether it was a hot meal. Or simply


a shoulder to cry on. Every penny donated tonight is going


to make a difference. It's going to help the people who really need it.


Good boy. It will change lives. So now you know how you can help.


The rest is up to you. Help us to keep helping people who


really need it tonight. 03457 910 910.


We promise to use your money well. If you want to know more details


about how Sport Relief makes grants or manages your doe immigrations all


the information is -- donations, all the information is available at

:30:44.:30:49. Relief. You would have thought spending days climbing


a sheer rock face would have been enough for most people but for Alex


her Sport Relief doesn't end here. This Sunday Alex, Matt Baker and


John Inverdale are back here at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park


bringing you live coverage of the Sport Relief Games. Look at this.


Join us this Sunday on BBC1 for the Sport Relief Games Show. We will be


live from Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park for the sportiest day of Sport


Relief ever. Across the country thousands of you will be either


cycling, swimming or doing a mile however you can. We will bring you


will all the action as well as celebrities taking on Olympic-sized


challenges in funny costumes. So please... Sorry, mate. I had a bit


of trouble with a snorkel. There's still time to sign found are the


Games. The details are -- still time to sign up for the Games. Still to


come, Strictly Come Dancing, Miranda Hart and an exclusive performance


from Coldplay. Now it's time for another big thank you and this one's


for our younger viewers. Yes, if you have raised money for Sport Relief


at school then I am talking about you. Every year some of our most


dedicated and enthusiastic fundraise fundraisers are school children.


Thousands of children get active and help raise an incredible amount of


money for Sport Relief. This time they've been going above and beyond


raising cash like never before and they all deserve a huge thank you.


We have come to Everton's training ground to give a group from


Northcote Primary School in Merseyside a little surprise. Hello


everybody. Look at that, headbands on already. Right, you think you are


at Everton's training ground for a tour. But, who would like to meet


three blokes that wear blue for a living? The children don't know is


they're about to meet the Everton manager and England international's


Leighton Baines. You have been magnificent in your work you have


done in the school. We are going to organise a game. Leighton will play


with the red side. And Leo with the white team. So enjoy it.


There we go. We have our striker. Enjoy the football and listen to the


captain. With both teams picked we are under


way. The scores are tied so it's time to


bring on the Everton goalkeeperer Tim Howard to settle things from the


spot. So the Sport Relief Cup goes to...


The reds have won 5-2! Thank you to all the kids that have


raised money at schools across the country and there's lots of you. Up


soon we have the return of Britain's best-loved sitcom, Only Fools and


Horses, after 11 years away they are back alongside a very special guest.


He is a real friend of Sport Relief, so famous and handsome that even


David's heard of him. David? He is so dreamy, Gary! Oh, dear! Look at


this. It's yours truly... For years he has


been one of our biggest supporters. David, before we start I want to put


you at your ease, I am not here to make you look stupid. I can do that


myself. He has been willing to put himself in tricky positions. Is your


little boy starting to put sentenceses together. He is saying


bits and pieces, yeah. And what about Brooklyn? We have even seen


him get cosy with Smithy. You, stop it! Tonight, Beckham is in Peckham.


If I asked to you go out into the high street wearing a sarong, would


you? Well... That looks brilliant. Here is John Bishop.


Two years ago I travelled with sport port to Sierra Leone -- with Sport


Relief to Sierra Leone. I went to one of the poorest areas, to a slum


area. I saw many things that shocked me and surprised me and stayed with


me a long time. I met an 11-year-old girl called Kadiatu. Her story


particularly moved me because some of the challenges she faced no child


should have to face. Can you explain where we are?


What are your worries for the future? What are the things that you


worry about? You lost your sister and you worry


you will die too. Since then, because of your donations I have


been told that things have changed quite dramatically in Kadiatu's


life. Sport Relief-founded projects have helped her family find a new


home. They now have access to clean water,


toilets and Kadiatu is now going to school.


You are making the difference. These are the things that really, really


matter, the good stories, the things that show you, you are changing


lives right now. Please keep your donations coming in and remember


there is a smile somewhere waiting to happen. Thank you.


Quite right, thank you, John. Sport Relief is about people coming


together to change lives. Here is a special performance from Coldplay.


We are pleased to be part of Sport Relief. If you would like to donate


please call 03457 910 910. Thank you so much.


# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


# I don't, no I don't No I don't, no I don't


Thank you to the amazing Coldplay. Not only for that performance but


also for their credibly generous donation to Jo Whiley and her


challenge. I feel bad I didn't know you are a famous sports presenter so


I thought I would Google you. Oh, no! What have you found? It's


actually very interesting what comes up when you type in Gary Lineker


hot. It's not those shorts I used to wear in the 80s? It's better than


that, have a look at this. You look boiling! What would you


call those, Gary? Tight, very tight! We should move on quite quickly.


It's almost time to cross to the Velodrome for the men's cycling


elimination race. As any professional sportsman will tell


you, you can't perform without a proper warm-up. Tell me about it, I


love a lunge. Careful, careful, David. It's important you lot are


all warmed up too. When it comes to health and fitness only one name


springs to mind and it's not his, it's Miranda Hart.


Hello Sport Relief 2014. A hearty good day to you all. I am sorry I


can't be with you tonight in person but I am on tour. However, when


Sport Relief came knocking and asked for my services, I dropped


everything. It was unfortunate because I was in the supermarket


queue at the time! A little joke. Sport Relief knocked because as


Britain's fittest woman in every sense it is my duty to ensure that


Sport Relief is fully warmed up and match ready for the epic show ahead.


It's important wherever you are, wherever you are watching, to get


up, get moving and follow me in Miranda's Massive Move-a-thon.


Pipe down. Actual maraccas. It's a physical warm-up. If you don't


happen to have a pair of maraccas at home, make your own version, Sport


Relief water bottles, right. Look at that. Fill it with rice. Everyone at


home, are you ready? We are ready! Brilliant, Clare Balding in the


Aquatic Centre, are you ready? Oh, yes we are ready! Team Bishop and


Team Coe and the possie, are you ready? Yeah! Gary and David in the


studio, ready? Yes, Miranda, we 're ready.


Right, now, are you ready, David? Right, now, are you ready? I'm


ready. David Haye yes. Are you ready, David Ginola? Follow you


anywhere. Two Davids. What can I say? !


And, by the way, I absolutely did not have a poster of David on my


wall when you were playing for Newcastle, I didn't, that is a gross


accusation.) I on. (I did) Cue the music. Lovely. The Nolan


sisters. Looking good. I'm in the mood for


fund-raising. Right, we 're going to start. The


first move is the Usain Bolt move, the Lightning bolt. Yeah.


Looking hot. Yeah. Stretch the arms. Right. Now, we 're going to go into


another move. The Mobot. Five, six, seven, eight. We've never looked


better. Fact. Team Bishop, shows your moves. Looking good.


Team Coe, get ready. Come on. Now, everyone at the Aquatics Centre


centre, ready? We are going to do the front crawl. Lovely.


Think of Michael Phelps, yes. Now, Hawaiian.


We 're out of time, but crack on. OK.


Olympic Park, uh Hawaiing? Are you shaking that rack coos like we are


-- Maraccas like we are? Galloping.


Looking good. Condeprach layingses to you all --


congratulations. Give yourself a massive maracca clap. Well done,


everybody. Glad that's over with! Thank you,


Miranda and of course David and David. Hope that's got you limbered


up and in the mood for the first event of Clash of the Titans. The


British Olympic team take to the floor in a special Strictly Come


Dancing. Plus Kylie Minogue will be here live in the studio performing a


special song, especially for you, with a special guest. And we have


got the very first play of England's official World Cup video starring...


Well, me, and some other bloke called Gary. Can I just get a selfie


with you, is that OK? Now? Yes. Everyone's doing it. They did it at


the Oscars. Let's see if we can get a billion re-Tweets. OK, I'm going


to upload it on to the big screen there for everyone to see. There we


go. That is a good one of you, Gary, you


look so fresh faced. Had a bit of work done? That's depressing. Can we


take that down, please, very quickly? Now the moment we have all


been waiting for. Let us see what has been going on in the velodrome.


This is the very first event in, let's do it together... Clash of the


Titans! Welcome back. Now, this track here


has seen some pretty amazing moments in sporting history. We are going to


add to that tonight, aren't we? It's the men's elimination race. Three


men will compete. Let's find out who they are.


In most Rayses, it's all about the winner. In most races, it's all


about who crosses the line first. We are in the elimination. All eyes


are on the rider who crosses the line last.


Just keep an eye out... When you hear the bell ring. It's time for a


sprint lap. When it's time to sprint, you pedal like your life


depends on it. Laura, you have to find speed. It's you against the


pack. Eye ball to eye ball. Wheel to


wheel. Is she going to do it? No, she's not. Yes! Whoever's last to


cross the line, is out. Laura Trott is going to win the elimination


race. Great riding, Laura. Be physical. Hold your line. Just don't


finish last. Well, the Queen of the track,


Victoria Pendleton no less, is here to offer some words of wisdom. Much


appreciated by the crowd here. They want somebody who'll be a steadying


influence. Tell them, what is the key to e-Lib Dem nation racing --


e-Lib Dem nation racing? -- elimination racing. Some people like


to take it on from the front and set the pace and stay out of trouble, so


you could play it either way really and sit back or do it that way.


Thank you very much. Let me stand between the captains, Seb Coe not on


a bike, John Bishop has offered to go for it here. You have Freddie and


Paddy there, what are you thinking? I've got a good team behind me.


Paddy is the pacemaker and Freddie's the powerhouse. What are you? So I'm


just making up the numbers, to be honest. I'm the only one who looks


good in Lycra. LAUGHTER


Is that the reason why you are not there then? No, they just decided to


play their joker card early. Fighting talk. What is the thinking


about opting out? If I could borrow your dress tonight, it could be so


much better than the original costume. Any words of wisdom? They


are in the zone, they know what they are doing, poise, patience and


balance. They look petrified, but I think for an event of this


magnitude, we need somebody with gravitas who knows exactly what it's


like to perform on the biggest stage. How did we get you, Daley


Thompson, amazing, I can't believe you are here to start this race? Nor


can I, it's brilliant. I want to say that earlier on, they showed me the


starting gun and I was waving it around and seven of the audience


came up and gave me their wallet and a watch. He'll be starting this


shortly. Let's go to Simon Brotherton and Chris Boardman, our


commentary team. The World Championships in crop ya a


couple of weeks ago were a small event compared to this. We are


almost ready to go with the first event. Lets's take a look at the


line-up for the men's elimination match.


The rules are simple. Every other lap, the bell will ring and at the


end of the next lap, the last rider over the line will be eliminated.


Then we are left with three riders and that's when they'll sprint for


the victory. John Bishop has his team behind him.


It's the last person over the line who is out of the race, so it's


going to be very interesting to see how the tactics develop. A real


spread of abilities in this group, of course. They have to be bunched


together as they get towards the line or the race will not start.


Looks OK at the moment. Going a little slow on the bank though.


Looks OK, but Olly Murses bringing up the rear, dawdling at the back.


John Bishop starting as he means to go on, leading from the front. Daley


Thompson get us under way. Clash of the Titans has started. Mind on


attack there and blocking tactics from the Bishop Team, looking over


the shoulders. This was a pre-thought out tactic.


The first elimination is coming up the next time around.


Patrick Kielty going for a flyer, making sure he stays out of trouble.


Down the back straight looking over his shoulder. Olly Murs is still at


the back, coming around the outside. The three blue riders from Team Coe


at the back. One is going to go as they cross the line. Here they come


up towards the line. It's really close. It might be John Bishop.


Could be. Perhaps they overplayed their hand a little bit. I think it


could have been John Bishop there and it was indeed.


Well, John Bishop's ridden all the way across the world on his bike


from the past from Sydney to Liverpool, took nine months to do it


and took too long to get around that first lap. He was the first one out.


Not good for the Liverpool contingent, all those years training


on Kirkby velodrome! Clearly that was all for nothing. And we are up


for the next elimination now. Luckily they are all up on their


wheels at the moment. This is going to be another tight one. Towards the


line, Freddie Flintoff nearly brought Greg James down. How on


earth has he stayed on his bike? Well, he hasn't now. He was wobbling


around the corner as Olly Murses led them over the line. Look at this


from Freddie Flintoff and the last one over the line was Richard Bacon.


I think Richard Bacon could be well out of it. They are going to perhaps


neutralise the race now. The yellow flag is out. Freddie Flintoff forgot


the main rule of track racing, turn left, straight on turn left. He went


the long way down as well. Normally riders tend to tumble to the right


and the speed scrubbed off by the shape of the track, and he didn't


seem to be injured. Probably more damage to the track there.


GUNFIRE We are under way again.


There was more damage to the track than to Freddie himself. He's


steadier on a pedalo than he is on two wheels on dry land, that's for


sure. Patrick keelly again hitting the front. That warm-up lap, they


knew how important it was. One more elimination to go. Flintoff has been


informed that the elimination race isn't literal, so let's hope he


stays upright. I wouldn't like to be riding next to him. It's neck and


neck. Patrick Kielty has been overtaken by


Olly Murs and Gregs James, the Radio 1 DJ. Flintoff staying in it.


Those are the three that will contest the finish. Greg James


dropped out. They all steam be taking a bit of a


breather now and this is a really important part of the race. They've


only got the finish to go. There's a bit of a discussion going, some


tactics here. They have got the numbers advantage. We are in the


gold medal factory here for fr the Olympic Games. So many legends on


this track in 2012. Who is going to deliver and win this one now? Olly


Murs is going for a flyer. Here comes Freddie Flintoff with a sprint


on the inside. Look at the power there from Freddie


Flintoff! On the deck one minute. He's won the race! Extraordinary!


Almost eliminating himself by ending up on the boards back in the race


and on top at the end. Freddie Flintoff takes the six points. Here


is the strint again. What a race -- sprint. Olly Murs launched the


attack early but rode high. Flintoff saw the opportunity and he was


afraid of nothing. He went straight up the inside. Murs shocked but


nothing he could do against the power of Flintoff.


And there's our winner. Unexpectedly so given that he was on


the deck a few moments before. Wow, did you get your tactics right?


It would appear so, but first out, you seemed surprised When we started


off, I was far too relaxed but I knew Freddie would do it in tend. I


was personally disappointed but I know it's all about the team. Did


you employ the right tactics? Freddie's a bit of an animal. You


have probably seen the best of him tonight. The guys have to stay calm


and come through. Here he is. Freddie Flintoff dripping with


sweat, there's blood down there as well. Let's have a look at your


injuries. Blood on your arm. He's absolutely thrown his body on the


line for that victory. Freddie, never in doubt? I thought Olly had


me at one point. But I think that tactical fall off did me good. On


the back straight, I dug in. It's great fun. Thanks to everyone here.


Amazing, thank you. Well done, Paddy, not too late for Ireland for


Rio you know? Freddie said to me, just lead Olly out, tire Olly out


and the big legs got there in the end! Let's confirm the result with


the commentary team. We have had blood, sweat, tears.


It's just one event down and four to go. It's synchronised swimming next.


Patty Patty -- Paddy and Greg, get yourselves off into lycra and we


will see you later on. Incredible stuff.


Do you ever get the impression that Andrew Flintoff is quite


competitive? Apparently he is OK. He is fine. After the first event Team


Bishop has 11 points. Team Coe has ten points. It's close.


David Tennant went to Africa for Sport Relief and took time out from


his stage role in Richard II, hence the hair extinctions, to visit --


extensions to visit Sierra Leone, this is what he saw.


This is a rubbish dump in Sierra Leone. Welcome to hell on earth.


Flames rise from the hazardous waste and toxic smoke fills the air. It's


a shock to turn up here on a Tuesday morning and see this mess that's on


fire. I think that's what's most shocking about it, it's actually


burning. What's even more shock shocking... Is that children are


working on this dump. How young are these children? These


are between age of six to 12 years. Is it every day of the week they


come here? Every day, every day. This is their life. They don't have


parents? Most are orphans. As every new truckload of rubbish arrives the


adults get first pick. Leaving the kids to scavage through what's left.


What these children really want is to go to school, but for that they


need uniforms and books and at the moment they can barely afford to


eat. These are two of the children who


come here every day, they live next to the dump with their sick


grandmother. Do you have memories of your mum and dad?


The future for children like this is so bleak that it's barely


comprehensible. This is a miserable place to spend a day, let alone the


best part of a childhood. They come here every day and sift through


other people's rubbish to make enough money to live. They don't


have a choice, that's what they've got. They're not difficult, they're


not lazy, they're just unlucky. They don't have a choice. You do. You


could help them. It costs ?50 a year to send a child here to school.


Please help. Please give them a childhood because


this is barely an existence. You wouldn't let your own kids work


here. 03457 910 910. Or go online. Change their future,


please. ?50 gets a child to school for a


year. It gets them a start in life. It gets them a future. That's what


tonight is all about. We need your help to do it. I know we keep asking


and you keep giving, you are the most generous people in the world


and that's a fact. You really are. Please help us to help kids like


those you have just seen. The number is 03457 910 910.


Whilst we are talking telephone numbers, I would like to take the


opportunity to thank the good people at BT. Yes, the volunteers and staff


have been with us since the very beginning and without them you


wouldn't be able to make your generous donations that have changed


so many lives. Take a look at this. This spring, Sport Relief presents


an epic journey through four decades. The 1980s. It's time. Thank


you for calling, how much would you like to donate? Through the 1990s.


Have we got anything? We have nothing.


We are good to go? Yeah, guys. And into the noughties.


Let's do this. Now in 2014 powerful forces must join together for the


sake of charity. An army of staff raising


unbelievable amounts of money. A Legion of volunteers helping normal


people make extra ordinary donations. Critics are calling them


epic, heroic, sensational. Coming soon to a call centre near you.


APPLAUSE Brilliant. That's not all, BT also


donated through their Speaking Clock campaign and Dial for Davina days


and the staff have been fundraising like crazy. Let's see how much


they've raised. Wow!




Congratulations and thanks to everyone for doing their bit. If you


haven't done anything yet, why not start right now? And you know what,


you don't even need to pick up the phone to make a difference. If you


are sat at home with your tablet or laptop in front of you it couldn't


be simpler to donate. Do it now. That video of a water-skiing


squirrel can wait. Type in Relief, follow the


instructions online and have your debit or credit card at the ready.


Coming up a special version of one of my favourite shows, Strictly Come


Dancing. Gary, there's only one real way to introduce this. Dancing the


American Smooth, will Gary Lineker and his life partner David Walliams


please take to the floor. No chance! You heard the man Gary. But that was


you just doing the voice. No, it wasn't, Gary. Seriously, this is


awe-inspiring. Our British Paralympic heros in a truly unique


Strictly Come Dancing. From London, this is Sport Relief


does Strictly Come Dancing! Woo-hoo!


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you very much. Good evening


and welcome to this very special Yes, we missed you so much


that we're back for one night only and tonight we have got four of


the country's top Paralympians who are swapping the track,


field, pitch and court for the Strictly ballroom. Between


them they've got gold medals, championship titles


and world records galore. to get their hands on


the glitterball medal. My name's David Clarke,


I play football for England and Great Britain. Scored 128 goals


and loved every minute of it. I am part of Great Britain's


sitting volleyball team. Listen to the noise


for Martine Wright! My name is Nathan Stephens,


I'm a Paralympic javelin thrower. And that's a huge throw


from Nathan Stephens! I'm Hannah Cockroft,


I'm a wheelchair racer. It seems all a bit surreal now,


when I think about it. Literally my dreams came true


in 18.05 seconds. The margin of victory is huge.


It's like watching Bolt. A gold medal for Great Britain,


Hannah Cockroft. Hannah Cockroft and her partner,


Pasha Kovalev. David Clarke and his partner,


Karen Hauer. Martine Wright and her partner,


Ian Waite! And Nathan Stephens and his partner,


Iveta Lukosiute! We're thrilled to have you here,


well and truly Strictlified. Good sequin action, Martine.


I like it a lot. Now, they're going to be performing


together tonight, but our judges will be looking at their


individual performances and the couple they deem to have


danced the best will win a coveted Sport Relief


glitterball medal. OK, Martine, obviously, as athletes,


you're all very driven. What do you think about


the competition tonight? Tonight you've got four Paralympians


on the floor, Nathan, clearly


you are a strapping lad. Show us the guns. Check that out.


He's a strong boy. He's a very strong boy. I believe you.


Thank you, Iveta. Right, well, it wouldn't be Strictly


without some glamorous judges to match our dazzling dancers


And you'll notice that we have a very special guest judge tonight.


He's competed in four Paralympic Games


and has won no less than, wait for it, ten gold medals.


Please welcome dressage legend Lee Pearson!


Welcome, judges. Lovely to see you all as ever.


And Lee, have you been practising your dance critique?


Well, it is called Strict-Lee, isn't it? It is.


And I am replacing a very strict person sat here.


doesn't mean you have to be horrible tonight, OK?


I'll try and behave. Right, let's see


how these seriously competitive athletes got on in training.


When I was born, I had two cardiac arrests within 24 hours,


which damaged two different parts of my brain.


My ninth birthday, a slow freight train was going past,


and me being the adventurous, silly child that I was


decided to jump on one of the ladders.


Sadly I slipped and my legs got caught under.


I had a little bit of sight from the start,


but then it kind of deteriorated over time.


I got on the tube and then about ten minutes after that,


just had a huge white flash in front of my eyes.


I thought at the time that we'd had a crash,


but obviously it was one of the suicide bombers


that decided to hit London that morning.


I looked down this hospital bed, but nothing was there.


I've lived all my life now with no legs. This is who I am.


I don't think I would be here talking to you


if it wasn't for rediscovering sport again.


Everything that I have today, I owe it to sport.


When I had legs, I always used to be the first one up on the dance floor,


and to be able to dance again is absolutely amazing.


My wife helped me dance for the first time on our wedding day.


So my dancing experience is probably three minutes.


I've always wanted to know how to dance.


because I don't really know what to do.


I'm actually really looking forward to my outfit.


For someone who has no feet, I'm addicted to shoes.


So I'm really intrigued to see what footwear I'm wearing.


I'm getting very close to Pasha's feet,


It's a good job you've got the moves -


you can scoot out the way and it's all right.


I texted one of my friends this morning and said my brain's frazzled


But that's because I want to get it right.


We had a few flyaway legs earlier on. Yeah.


Because I would have lost my crown jewels. Sorry, yeah.


I can feel the world champion spirit.


It's a real arm work-out getting pulled around by you!


I'm sorry! I get pulled around by you.


It's going well. He's not done a runner,


I definitely can't do a runner, so...can't be that bad.


I never thought I would actually be able to get up on my legs and dance.


It's an amazing feeling, but the pain isn't!


I was very sceptical at the start of the week,


You never know, my Saturday nights might be different from now on!


Please welcome to the Strictly dance floor Hannah and her partner Pasha,


David with Karen, Martine with Ian and Nathan with his partner Iveta.


Standing ovation in the studio and from our judges - good sign, guys.


That was superb, an Olympic effort from all of you, truly.


While you get your breath back, let's see what our judges thought.


Head Judge Len, what do you make of our sports stars?


Well, I tell you what, the music was Firework


and I felt there was plenty of fireworks going on out there. Yes


But I must just talk a moment about Nathan.


Fun, personality - I tell you what, I thought you were terrific.


Well done to you. Thank you. Bruno, did they put you in a spin?


Oh, I tell you, my head is racing like you have no idea.


I have to say, you're all champions to my eyes.


But somebody took my eye, and it's you, Hannah!


Ooh, she went all touchy-feely with Pasha.


Really participating in the performance.


Caught Bruno's eye! Lee, it's your debut in the Ballroom tonight


as well as theirs - were you impressed?


I didn't know what to expect, to be perfectly honest.


I didn't know if it was going to be very static


or a little bit like Wacky Races gone mad, with the wheelchairs.


Nathan might have the muscles, but David managed a spectacular


balanced, powerful lift, and that was very good.


I think what blows me away is that none of you showed any nerves.


But I suppose what stood out for me is Martine.


You know, I think you gave a feeling and a passion


and all the way through you focused on Ian,


It's very difficult to take your eyes off Ian.


Formidable team, those two, lots of chemistry.


Right, thank you, judges. We'll leave you to confer and deliberate


Hannah, you looked like you were genuinely loving


every single moment of that. How much fun did you have out there?


It's been phenomenal working with all these guys,


and Pasha's been amazing with me, so I've loved every second of it.


David, as a footballer, was that dance


one of the hardest thing you've ever had to tackle?


We really need to remember why we've been working so hard all week,


and it's for Sport Relief and it's such a privilege to be involved,


and to work with this lady has been an absolutely pleasure.


Martine, how have you found it, dancing and twirling


Oh, it's been absolutely amazing, and the team have been fantastic,


"swung round the dance floor by a 6'5 dancer"?


You haven't put him down yet, Martine! I loved it!


She hasn't put you down yet, Ian. Who can blame her.


You know, it's been absolutely amazing this week


and now I'm going to be the first one on that dance floor. All right!


Do you think you did your wife proud?


I hope I have, but she's in the audience, ask her yourself!


It's a thumbs-up from your wife, your new wife, congratulations!


Right. It's time now to see who is going to take home


Head Judge Len, have you all chosen your Sport Relief champion?


So Len, would you please reveal who you, the judges,


have chosen as your Strictly Sport Relief champion 2014!


Well, let me say, it was a very, very close-run thing.


You could make a case for any one of our four couples winning.


But after a long debate, we have come to a decision.


I missed a few moves there, so I'm glad they didn't notice!


Huge commiserations to the rest of you. Have you had fun?


Well, congratulations, Hannah and Pasha!


If you'd like to wear these glitterball medals with pride.


You are the Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing champions.


and a big thank-you to all of our wonderful couples.


Thank you so much for taking part tonight. You have been great sports.


And thank you to you at home for watching and donating.


Please, please do give everything that you can.


Are you ready for this, people? Remember...


was Strictly brilliant. Loved every Thank you so much! Goodnight! That


was Strictly brilliant. Loved every move. What could be for mitting than


the current champion to introduce the next film. Here is Abbey Clancy.


50% of the money you donate tonight goes on projects here in the UK. I


can't help but think the money couldn't go to any better families


than the ones you are about to meet. The Jones' are very lovely and very


brave. This is our sister Cara. She's very


little. They were over the moon when we told them they've got another


sister. We were running up and down the stairs getting ready for her to


come home. They were fighting over who'd get to hold her first. They


were like, can we see, can we hold her. Doing a video of Cara shouting


like mad. When Cara was seven months old, she was diagnosed with spinal


muscular atrophy, a disease that affects the spine and muscles. She


had the most severe form. The doctor explained that there is no cure and


she will not make it to one. That wasn't acceptable to us. As a mum,


you want to put plasters on and deal with it and figure out the problems


and help solve it. To see your children, their sister, who you've


brought into the world, to make your family, is going to die, it was the


hardest thing ever. Explaining to them that it wasn't


their fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, we all tried our hardest and


will make the best life that we've got with her the best time ever.


Love you, Cara... Da-da...


Against the odds, Cara made it to her first birthday.


Cara had a huge dress. She always had a smile, didn't she?


Four months later, Cara was rushed to hospital with a serious


infection. We knew she wasn't getting any stronger or better. Took


her off the hospital bed and sat her in our arms. As she looked up, she


smiled and closed her eyes. The smile she gave before she closed her


eyes. On the 25th January, 2011, Cara lost her battle. She was 16


months old. OK, guys, we are going to go into


our room... This is Jeremiah's journey, a bereavement group


supported by Sport Relief. They were worried about going back to school,


if people were going to say things. They were worried about what to say


to us because they didn't want to hurt us. It was really nice. You


could talk to whoever you wanted and you knew that they would understand


because they've been through the same thing. Each different colour


represent who is we are here to remember.


Projects like this can make a huge difference at a time of unbearable


sadness. Who needs a red piece of card for


their sister? I was having really bad nightmares and they gave us a


dream catcher and it took all my bad dreams away. They'd come out with a


huge smile. I'm so proud to show them off and to be able to talk


about Cara. We can't take away the pain, but with your help, we can be


there for families when they need it most.


Please call: Thank you.


That project really made a difference to those brilliant young


girls' lives. Tonight, you can make a difference. It costs ?20 for one


of those children attend the sessions, to help the children put


their lives together again. If you can afford ?20, that's great,


but we are grateful for whatever you can give.


We don't mind how you donate, we'd just love you to do it. Thank you.


Every year, wonderful people up and down the country do all sorts of


amazing things for Sport Relief. I, for example, once swam the Thames


whilst Gary spent a week sunning himself in Barbados with his wife.


It's all right, I saw you there the other week with Simon Cowell. I


think you are mistaking me with Sunita. Sorry about that. We both


have the same leaf bikini. Anyway, this isn't about us, it's about you.


Yes, every Sport Relief, the Great British Sport Relief take part in


the most amazing fund-raising events. We are so, so grateful for


the effort you put in and the incredible amount of money that you


raise. Thank you. Here is a taste of what you've all been up to.


For the thousands of incredible fund-raisers, the length and breadth


of the UK, from Penzance to Inverness, Cardiff to Scarborough,


this thank you is for you. The Sport Relief 2014, you have all


excelled yourselves like never before.


Some have been getting sporty. Some have been dressing up. And


others have just been having a whole lot of fun.


Whatever you've been doing, and however you've done it, you've all


helped raise such an incredible amount of money for Sport Relief.


So from the North to the South, East to West, to each and every fantastic


fund-raiser, you're quite simply the best. We couldn't do it without you.


Thank you, thank you, thank you. Come here, Great Britain. I want to


give you all a kiss. Mwah! In the time it takes David to dish out 65


million kisses, let's see what is still to come tonight: Coming up:


Beckham is in Peckham. Why are you wearing them glasses? These? To be


honest, I thought that if I was to wear these, no-one would recognise


me and I could be a little bit incognitive! Clash of the Titans


continues with synchronised swimming. It is really difficult.


And the rhythmic gymnastics. John doesn't stand a chance. Now it is


time to settle this like men! APPLAUSE


Now, look, Gary, I don't really know how to say this, but I think things


need to change between us. What do you mean? It is just - you have


become quite clingy. Clingy? Yes. I think it is about time we introduced


a woman into our relationship. What? A woman, Gary. Not just any woman, a


super woman. She swam, cycled and ran 500 miles in seven gruelling


days. Through gale force winds, through the wettest winter on


record, ladies and gentlemen, that woman is, of course, Davina McCall


and she went Beyond Breaking Point. Morning, Scotland. I'm so tired and


I have only done 30 miles. I have 470 miles to go. If it wasn't


raining, or windy, it wouldn't be that bad.


Will I be OK? You will be absolutely fine. Come on, Davina!


This is really, like, the toughest thing I've ever done and the


toughest thing I possibly will ever do.


Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the hero of the hour,


it is Davina McCall. A standing ovation. Congratulations.


Thank you. It looked so brutal. Have you fully recovered? My knees are a


bit iffy. I did try and do three miles this morning for Sport Relief.


Why? You have already done your bit! I know. I went with a load of mums


from school. It was good. I'm OK. There were moments. It was really


hard, but there were moments. I'm sure you will know what I'm talking


about where it was amazing, really beautiful. The end! Yes. It was


incredible. What was the hardest thing? Lake Windermere was my


nemesis. I was so petrified. That was terrifying? I found one of the


hardest days was the first day, four hours in I wanted to stop and I


thought I have another six-and-a-half days to go. Then,


just the wind coming into Birmingham. The wind, yes. LAUGHTER


The wind. The really bad wind? You had very bad wind? Not THAT wind!


OK. Tell us about Lake Windermere. You had to swim in water that was


four degrees. Five degrees. That is easy then(!) How was that? What


happened was I got in and straightaway I just started


panicking. It was so cold. And I started shallow breathing. Then


everything started going wrong. It took me longer than it should have


done. Because it took me longer... It's the cold water that hits your


face. It is so painful. Even the shock of getting in the water... He


is nodding like he knows what it is like! You are next, Lineker! Have


you got another question, Gary? Or shall I ask one? It was your turn. I


have a million questions. He's ruined tonight! How did it feel when


you saw the finish line? You know what was lovely? I watched that bit


of footage, when I was going over the bridge and I worked very hard to


keep my kids off camera. The guys were amazing. So they squirrelled


them away and hid them. I could see them at the end of the bridge so


before I saw Matthew, I had a quick cuddle with the kids and I was


running towards them so when I'm smiling and putting my hands up, I'm


like, "I can see you!" It was amazing. Davina, I can speak on


behalf of the nation when I say, congratulations for going beyond


breaking point. Thank you. For Sport Relief. Amazing. Thank you.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I have been - thank you - I have


been really lucky. I have been working with Comic Relief and Sport


Relief for 15 years now and lives are being changed. They are being


changed all around the world and, as you have seen, here at home.


Basically, of the amazing donations that you have made, you are amazing.


You are about to meet a young girl who totally changed my life but it


was you who changed her life. This is a quarry in Nairobi. It's no


place for children but every day, children come here to work alongside


their mothers. As it is the only way for the families to earn enough


money to survive. It was here that I met a little girl called Anne who


works here with her Mum. Do you hurt? Your hands? Yes. What things


make you happy? The evening. That's because it's the only time that


she's not here in the quarry doing this desperate work. Meeting Anne


did remind me of a little girl that broke my heart 15 years ago. She was


called Eunice. It was 6.30, she was making breakfast and every night she


went to sleep fearing that her home was going to get bulldozed. She


lived in fear constantly. That night, they came when we are


sleeping and started beating us. They demolished our house. When you


go to sleep at night here, are you frightened? Are you afraid? Of


course, yes. So, Eunice, what would it mean to you to have your own


piece of land? I could be very happy. That's exactly what happened.


Your money went to work and Eunice and her family moved into a new


home, away from the dangers of the slum. In that house, she was able to


do her homework and eventually made it to university. You changed her


life. I have always remembered Eunice as clear as day. My kids know


Eunice. My husband knows Eunice. She's part of us. I'm not leaving


this country without seeing her. Hey, Eunice!


Oh God! You look exactly the same. You, too. I never thought I would


recognise you. LAUGHTER


How old are you now? I'm turning 26. Oh my God! That is amazing. I met


you 15 years ago. Yes. You need someone to give you this period to


show you that there is a better life. That's you. That is where I


am. Oh God. Tell me what you are doing? Actually, what you did to me


really turned my life. I grew up a girl with high spirit. Knowing one


day that life would change and it is not going to remain like this. I


decided to do a home, but not just any home, I decided to do one for


kids with special needs. You have become such a strong, independent


young woman. It is so far away from the little girl that I met. I'm


proud because of what you planted in me. That seed has grown and I'm -


girls need help. Girls need help for real. Yeah. To empower one another.


So at least we can go far. Like you have? Yeah, sure. It's all because


of you. No, it's not. It's because of YOU! Eunice's life was


transformed because of the money you gave. But there are other girls out


there, just like Anne, that desperately need your help. Let's do


it again tonight. Please give what you can. 03457 910 910. Thank you.


That 11-year-old girl that I met in the slum, you changed her life


because you sent her to school. She went to university and because of


your generosity, she is changing so many children's lives. She has


started on orphanage for kids with special needs. That is an amazing


circle. It started with YOU. There are other girls just like Eunice and


Anne, so please give whatever you can. 03457 910 910. You are


brilliant. Thank you so much. Please do. Please call. That is amazing. A


great story. Wonderful. I will say that number again. 03457 910 910.


Davina, you did go through a week of hell. I do think it is time we found


out how much you and your epic challenge has raised. You have no


idea? No idea. Let's see how much you have raised so far. Are you


ready? Yes, yes! OK. Davina, you have raised... Oh yes!


Well done. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Davina. That is


incredible. That total includes ?537,082 from BT who supported


Davina's challenge. There is more brilliant news. The Government will


match up to ?10 million of your generous donations to help one


crucial area of work we support in Africa. The cash will fund projects


that train people in the skills required to earn a living that lend


people the small amount of cash they need to start their own business and


that ensures that farmers get a fairly traded price for their crops.


Working your way out of poverty is not rocket science. It's a really


effective way of making lasting change. The results will help kids


go to school and make sure families have enough to eat and they can get


medical help if they need it. Big thanks to the Department for


International Development for matching your generosity.


So, Davina, let's add that new money to see, for the first time tonight,


where we are on the Sport Relief 2014 totaliser. I love this bit!


Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one!


Amazing. You, guys, you lot, you are amazing! All of you.


CHEERING Yes, I'm talking to you, with the


things on your head! Give whatever you can. Injure donation takes just


seconds. But I'm telling you, it will last a lifetime. Then you can


sit back and really enjoy the evening then. Indeed you can. We've


got so much more to come, including the first play of England's official


World Cup video. Plus, of course, Only Fools and Horses meets David


Only Fools and Horses meetsDavid David Beckham. So excited about


that. Now it's time for some more sport.


Get your goggles at the ready. We're going over to Clare Balding at the


Aquatic Centre for a treat. We give you synchronised swimming. Shall we


do it together? You ready? This is Clash of the Titans.


Thank you and welcome back to the Aquatic Centre and my wonderful


crowd here. The Clash of the Titans started in dramatic fashion. At the


velodrome we saw the men's elimination in which freny --


Freddie Flintoff fell off his bike and then he won. Team Bishop won.


They lead team Co, who are on ten points. That will inevitably change.


The next event required a different skill all together. The next event


in this pool is synchronised swimming. We are going to see two


routines, luckily both individuals from the Clash of the Titans teams


are going to be helped out by the wonderful women from Aquabatics. The


first by Patrick, the second from Greg James. Three judges, who know


what they're looking for will give their scores. Those scores will be


turned into points and we find out which team wins. This is something I


was not allowed to do at the Olympics, go back stage into the


changing room. Here we find our competitors. Patrick is looking


terrified. I'm sorry? You're looking terrified. Yes, terrified. About


finesse, glamour, you have all of that? This is the finesse and


glamour. This is the rest. Indeed. Remember to hold your breath. Greg,


have you recovered from the cycling? Just about. I can barely walk, but


that was a man's event. This is a danty event. I am ready. I'm


bringing it home for Coe. These girls are amazing. I've trained so


hard for this. Have you? Yes! I really have. Everybody's laughing.


That's what training has been like. I've been going, "Right, let's do.


It" They've just been laughing at me. We're getting on really well.


We're going to give it our best go. The definition of team spirit. I'm


heading back out here because this crowd cannot wait to see the


competitors. CHEERING


You are in for a treat. A huge roar and a huge welcome please for the


first of our synchronised swimming competitors. For Team Bishop, it's


Patrick Kielty. APPLAUSE


Oh, my word! But before the commentary team take over. Let's see


how Patrick enjoyed his training. I'm really looking forward to the


synchronised swimming. John Bishop has ruin today for everybody. Used


to be you could do a sponsored walk and everybody was happy. It's going


to be a shambles. Let's do. It I'm ready. Start the car. Start the car.


We're going to teach you on land. Apparently this is the most basic


routine you can do. Five, six, seven, eight. This isn't good. Good


spiky fingers, so we don't look like a teapot. I thought it was going to


be like lying on a lilo and all this stuff, it's like, it jazz hands. I


don't know! Basically this is like the Titanic. It is not going to get


any bet were water. I am a disgrace. I am an embarrassment and I'm still


going to beat Greg James. APPLAUSE


So we have Patrick Kielty representing Team Bishop. He's


taking this very seriously indeed. Nice use of props by the team.


They're in the water. Now watch. As the girls get into position, as does


Patrick, he chose this music himself. It's Happy by Farell. He


thought he would create an upbeat move. What he forgot is it would be


fast as well. Good leg work by Patrick. He's selling this routine.


He's got to be synchronised. That's what the judges are looking for .


Here comes the big lift. He sold that brilliantly. The girls look


like they were doing all the work under water. But Patrick needed good


core strength, good finish. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


He got the crowd behind him for everybody moment of that routine.


Well done to Patrick. It's fair to say, he has never


performed in a costume like that. It may be a costume like that has never


been seen in the Aquatic Centre. That was timed really well. All the


hard work that goes on under water, as you can see, the girls sculling


with their hands. You can't touch the floor when you're doing


synchronised swimming. This is the lift. That was good.


The judges have been analysing the under water cameras, watching from


above, assessing the reaction of the crowd. The scores are in: You have a


nine, a nine and a ten for a total of 28 points! Well done.


APPLAUSE Ladies and gentleman, we are now


ready for our second performance. It comes from a man who likes to think


of himself as the apprentice of synchronised swimming. We give you


Greg James of TeamCoe. Here is how Greg got on in training


with help from a local legend. I'm Greg James, Radio 1 DJ and not a


very good water baby. You might go oh, diving board, oh, and then Tom


Daley. He's actually here. No pressure. Gonna meet my team. Hi


everyone. My worry is make up. Is it water proof? I'm not very


coordinated. My limbs are too long and I can't dance we volcano. --


Very well. Can you straighten your leg? I want advice. Pointy toes.


Impossible. It's really difficult. I am out of my depth. But seeing Tom


there on the diving board has inspired me. Tom, I won't let you


down. This is the dance of the knights.


Greg is channelling Lord sugar. I don't think Lord sugar has ever


had a business suit quite like that. The entry into the pool looked neat


here. Greg gets into position. Dynamic control, this performance.


He told me the hardest thing for him is remembering everything, getting


everything in the right order, getting his legs, arms in sync with


the girls. That was good synchronisation. Maybe his toes were


not very pointy there. The arm sequence there, that was good. He


looked in time with the girls. We're building up to the big lift. Watch


as they prepare to push him out of the water. Good presentation by


Greg! He got up really well there. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


That was mean, that was moody. Here was the start. Every business suit


should have velcro trousers. You need to have extraordinary breath


control and stamina to do this sport. They say it's like running


the 400 metres while holding your breath and smiling at the same time.


Well done. Do you think you made Tom proud? I think so. When we talked


about the Olympic legacy I feel like me checking I hadn't fallen out in


the water was definitely in Seb Coe's mind. Have you made him proud?


I hope so. Lord, I hope I've made you proud. These girls are


incredible. Round after plauz for my wonderful dancers.


-- Round of applause for my wonderful dancers.


APPLAUSE Let's see if you've done enough to


overtake Patrick. The judges have scored you with an eight, a ten and


a nine. That means ape total of 27 points.


BOO I'm sorry, we can see Team Bishop


celebrating. Patrick is giving you the big I am.


I can tell that Greg looks absolutely gutted with that. That


means that Team Bishop score four points for the win.


I think it's fair to say that here, didn't we love Greg's routine? We


want to say a big well done to you. Thank you very much much.


CHEERING Well done guys.


Those costumes were wrong on every level. They're quite difficult moves


they're trying to execute. I thought they were really good. Yeah. There


is a fine line between synchronised swimming and synchronised drowning.


Davina, did that bring back memories of that Lake Windermere by any


chance? No, no. That was nice, warm, it was pretty, light. Lovely. Very


nice. So, after the second event, Team Bishop has 15 points and Team


Coe has 12. The competition is really hotting


up. It's about to get hotter, because the third event, ridge make


gymnastics, what -- rhythmic gymnastics is coming up. You will


love it. Lord Coe in a leotard, woof, woof. Calm down. It won't


surprise you on Sport Relief we are keen on sport and really hope that


you've been inspired by tonight's proceedings. If when the Sport


Relief weekend is over you need more inspiration on how to get more


involved in loads of different sports, then do check out

:58:45.:58:51., where there's a load of things to do. This is


exciting. It's another Sport Relief gem, performing this pop classic for


the first time on UK television, in 25 years, this is especially for


you, and this is Kylie Minogue. # I wanna let you know


what I was going though # I wanna tell you


I was feeling that way too # Forget the loneliness


and the sorrow # And now we're back


together, together # I wanna show you


my heart is oh so true # Forget the loneliness


and the sorrow # And now we're back


together, together # I wanna show you


my heart is oh so true # And now we're back


together, together # I wanna show you my


heart is oh so true Your teeth, look at them. Smile!


Amazing. That was a dream come true. It was 30 seconds before I spotted


the difference between you. Kylie and Jason! And Jason! You know what,


Kylie, they are not worth it. So, listen, that picture as well, that


is terrifying! LAUGHTER


The teeth. It was amazing. They are YOUR teeth! Kylie will be back to


perform later without David Walliams, you will be glad to hear.


Now, the amazing Kylie Minogue. Thank you.


Now, doing a challenge for Sport Relief changes your life. I know


that. And Cheryl Cole does, too. She also knows about the horrendous


illness that is malaria. Five years ago, I was part of a team that


helped climb Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief. We were all climbing because


we wanted to raise money for mosquito nets to help protect people


from malaria. Then, the next year, I got malaria myself. It was one of


the scariest things I have ever experienced, as you can imagine, but


I got the best possible treatment fast. And I know how lucky I was to


do that. Many people, particularly young children, aren't so lucky and


they desperately need your help. Every morning at this hospital in


eastern Uganda, a steady stream of desperate parents join the queue


with their severely-ill children. Almost all of these kids have


malaria. The problem is I don't have enough beds. Four-year-old Moses has


been brought in by his Dad. He has got severe malaria. Sharing the bed


with him is Ben, rushed in by his mother. He's unconscious. He's got


severe malaria. In the next bed along is a boy who was brought in


after having seizures caused by severe malaria. The list of victims


of this horrible disease is never-ending. This girl has malaria,


John has malaria, Jonah has cerebral malaria, this brother and sister


also have malaria. It is like an epidemic. This is just an ordinary


day in this hospital. Another child suddenly becomes critical. Another


mother is helpless as she watches her daughter suffer the effects of


malaria. And outside, the queue doesn't stop growing. Throughout


this hospital, too many children are losing the battle against this


terrible disease. And the reality is too many of them won't survive. It


makes us sad. Malaria is a preventible disease. In Africa, a


child dies from malaria every single minute. I'm asking you tonight if


you can to help us change this. ?15 buys a mosquito net which could save


a child's life. Please call 03457 910 910. Or go online at

:06:30.:06:40. Thank you. Please do pick up the phone - 03457


910 910. It is time for another huge thank you. Sainsbury's has been


selling all the official Sport Relief merchandise and fund-raising


like never before. Please can I take those for a minute? Thank you. So,


Winter Olympic gold medallist Amy Williams headed off to do the


honourable thing. Thank you. A polite expression used


when acknowledging a gift, a service or a compliment. Simple. That is why


I'm here today. And here. And here. To say thank you to the wonderful


people who shop and work at Sainsbury's. Thanks. Cheers. Some


have done really silly things. Loads of people have been doing something


sporty, but wherever they are, they have all been doing their bit.


Thousands of people in hundreds of stores have been raising a shed-load


of cash. Then there's the special Sport Relief gear that all of you


lovely customers have been buying by the trolley-load. Thank you. There's


the Sport Relief T-shirt, this lovely headband and an all in one.


Woah! Why am I the only one wearing one of these? Come on, chop, chop.


All over the UK, the army of fundraisers and customers have been


getting active in their thousands and helping add to the incredible


amount of money raised. Much better! You have been snapping up


deelyboppers, sports bags and pin badges - and soft balls! Sorry,


guys. All in all, to everyone who shops and works in Sainsbury's, you


have been truly amazing. There is only one thing left to say - thank


you! So, let us have a look at how much


the fantastic Sainsbury's team and their customers have raised. It is:


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That is an incredible amount of


money! I want to say massive pats on the backs and huge round of applause


to all of you who purchased merchandise and to Sainsbury's.


Thank you so much. Thank you. Now, this summer, all eyes will be on


South America as Brazil goes nut for the FIFA World Cup. I can't wait. I


love croquet! Nowhere is the excitement more palpable than in the


Match of the Day studio. Take a look at this. Another exciting Saturday


in the Premier League. The title race is hotting up. It is proving to


be the perfect appetiser to this year's main course, England at the


World Cup. Good night. We are off air, thanks, guys. Here we go again.


England haven't won anything yet and they never will. It will be tough.


At least we have qualified, unlike Scotland. And Wales! And Republic of


Ireland. That may be true, but the only thing coming back with England


this year is an all-over tan! I remember 2010, England were almost


home. He was still putting his World Cup wall chart up. It will be


different this time. In what way? I have had an idea. I will put


together a World Cup song, a song that will inspire the nation, a song


to bring people together, a song the fans can sing on the terraces and


help ensure that England DO win the 2014 FIFA World Cup! LAUGHTER What a


joke that is! Make it to the quarterfinals then! Get out the


group stage? No. I will bring together some legendary footballers,


musicians and entertainers. It will be like Band Aid! We will use the


same recording studio. That is a good idea. We will do it for Sport


Relief, because if it is rubbish, we can play the charity card. You know


nothing about making records. I know a Gary that does! The legend that is


Gary Barlow. What, you know Gary Barlow? Yes. You don't. Course I do.


All us showbusiness Garies know each other. Prove it. I will call him,


right now. Under B. PHONE RINGS Hello? It is Gary. Hey,


Gary. So, Gary, what you been up to? Chilling out, laying down some


tracks. That's cool. Sounds dench! You what? What you talking about?


Nothing! I'm putting together an England World Cup song for Sport


Relief. I need your musical know-how? I would do anything for


Sport Relief. You have to do something in return. You want World


Cup tickets? No problem. Can you get me Alan Hansen's autograph? LAUGHTER


I suppose so. Brilliant. I'm in. This could be Sport Relief's


Greatest Day! # Tonight this could be


the greatest night of our lives # Can you see it, can you see it


in my eyes? # Can you hold it


in your arms tonight? # Yeah, the world starts to come


alive when you stay close to me # Today this could be


the greatest day of our lives # Stay close to me


And the world comes alive # Stay close to me


Hold on # Stay close to me


and the world comes alive # Today this could be


the greatest day of our lives That was great. If England don't win


the World Series, after that, they never will. The World Cup. Yeah that


too, the double. That was brilliant. Let's hear it for the legendary Gary


Barlow. And the newest and most tone deaf member of Take That.


APPLAUSE Thank you very much, David. Too


kind. The real stars are our footballers and our musicians and we


must thank the Football Association for their support.


Brilliant. I thought that was really good.


Here is the wonderful Sue Johnson. I'd like you to meet a wonderful man


called Bob. He's 92 years old. He's led a full and happy life. And I


think what makes Bob's story so very touching is that unlike some of the


films we show you on nights like tonight, what's happened to Bob is


something that could happen to each and every one of us.


You're going back to 1937, I met my Cath. She was lovely. One of the


guys said to me, "Hey, she fancies you." I said, "Well, I certainly


fancy her." Unfortunately, in 1939, the war separated us. But whilst I


was over there, I thought, I need to write to her and ask her to marry


me. Family life in those days was a happy life. I can remember one


occasion, we were in bed, cuddling as one does, and she said, "Oh,


aren't your legs hairy." I said, "Well no, I've still got my socks


on! " One evening, she turned around and


she looked at me and said, "Where's Bob? And I'm Bob and the bottom


dropped out of my world then. The doctor said she's in the early days


of Alzheimer's disease. As she got worse, it became more difficult to


nurse her. She stayed here until the end. Eventually, she passed away at


1am, by my side. I couldn't believe it. She's gone.


It was impossible to say goodbye or I love you, any more. Bob's wife


Cath died three years ago. He's now 92 years old and lives on his own.


Last year, Sport Relief helped set up the Silverline, a free 24 hour


help line that gives older people a friendly voice to talk to, whenever


they need it. Silverline is not only a Silverline, but a lifeline. When I


wake in the middle of the night, you can't ring the family, but you can


pick up the phone and talk to somebody. For 65 years, we was


together all the time. And you realise that there is nobody you can


say to, "About a cup of tea? Have you got some of that cake left over


from yesterday? There is no way to do it. You get up and make your own


cup of tea. That's when you realise that you are alone. Loneliness is


heart breaking, so tonight, please, give what you can to help wonderful


older people like Bob. Call 03457 910 910. Thank you.


If you are watching that film and you thought, oh, do you know what, I


must call my mum, my dad, granny or granddad, then please do that, but


could be call us too, please? 03457 910 910. And make a donation, so we


can try and make sure there's always somebody at the end of a phone for


everyone. Loneliness is terrible. It's a terrible thing. Let's do what


we can to help. I'm going to say it again: 03457 910 910. Thank you.


Coming up, the superstar pairing of Jack Whitehall and Claudia Winkleman


w, a plethora of Sport Relief goodies. You will not want to miss


this: Yes, an hillarious celebrity


Mastermind starring Premier League footballers. I'm in it too! And


talking of unmissable, David Beckham stars in a very special Only Fools


and Horses. It is just 20 minutes away, people!


CHEERING Very exciting. Now it's time to


reveal the lineup for the next must-see event, rhythmic gymnastics.


In the blue conner, team cab tin Seb Coe, Ole myrrhs and Sally Philips.


In the red corner, captain, John Bishop, Helen Skelton and Nick


Grimshaw. Sport Relief, this is Clash of the Titans! Welcome back.


Next up you're going to see something nifty with one of these.


Let's look at the leaderboard, as it stands. It is Team Bishop who are


narrowly in the lead. Team Coe trailing at the moment. It


could all change. Income tax up, a sport -- next up, a sport which


sorts the men from the boys, rhythmic gymnastics and there's


fighting talk from the captains. Tonight, it's all about one evening,


and two men can stand face to face. Yeah I've heard John Bishop is


pretty competitive. For me sport has always been about taking part and


the medals, the big gold, shiny medals. I think it's brilliant that


he has a couple of gold medals. Let's bear in mind it was Moscow,


where probably I could have won a race. Funny, but what's he ever won?


Now it's time to settle this, like men. ?


At the end of the day, we'll go back to where we're from. John doesn't


stand a chance, but don't tell him Training looks like it's been going.


It's tough, isn't it? This is the halfway stage, you're doing all


right. You're doing OK. You have your nose in front. Yeah the team's


got their nose in front. Everyone will know I'm personally


disappointed with my own performance. I feel I can contribute


more. We've had e-mails from the kids in Africa saying that was


appalling, the cycling. This was the event for me to get my pride back.


It's the sport I think of when I think of you. You have a bit of work


to do. Yeah, we have actually. We've got to get into this now. This is


the moment. Cometh the moment, cometh the team. You have to get in


the zone and reveal what's under the tracksuit. The nation awaits. That's


not the first time you've said that to me! Off you go. You're the man


who brought the Olympics to London. You were an MP. You're a man that


the country admires and respects. CHEERING


You're about to do rhythmic gymnast nicks lycra. It's a really tough


sport. I'm not telling you that, you know. It's complicated. All for a


very good cause. Jo and the number is: 03457 910 910. Dig deep.


Absolutely do what the man says. Let's join our commentary team now.


We're on the edge of our seats here, Chris. We are. Down there are three


very experienced rhythmic gymnastics judges to assess the performances.


They will judge each team out of ten. The winning team will get the


maximum points. Such a good rehearsal. Let's hope they can


reproduce it here. It's time for the first performance.


They look repleb dent. Make -- resplenden. Make some noise for Team


Bishop. They stride onto the mat, full of


confidence. It's Team Bishop, what an opener.


Oh, yes! Football skills to the fore here.


There's the mover of the trio. Death throw and death catch. Good


work. Helen a bit unsure with the ball


there, but she's away now. The action woman really being tested


here. Nice little pivot. Well done, Helen.


Here he comes. He's snaking his way through.


Using that rhythm. Preparing for the big throw.


Well, a little snag. And the big finale, and she's missed it. What a


pity for Helen. Smile through adversity. Well, that was a little


bit of a disappointment. The aim is to finish with the apparatus but


what a great expressive, fun performance that was. Nick Grimshaw


took to that sport. Well, Snakes with the ribbon, then the throw.


What do you think? Well, full of confidence and that throw was well


caught. The ball is probably one of the more difficult apparatus. Nice


cart wheel there. Here the man himself, John Bishop, snaking his


way through with the ribbon. Look at the focus on his face!


Look at the tight buttocks when you did that turn there! The body


position was almost perfect. I know, this is the thing that I really care


about most. Cycling is one thing, this is really what matters to me.


Me and the ribbon. We felt like one. I mean, to be fair, Nick was


wonderful. I couldn't almost perform because I was in tears watching you


two. Natural. You brought such masculinity to it. I think we're the


most masculine of sport. I say forget gymnastics, grimnastics.


Shame about the not finishing with the ball. No, that was intentional.


Modern twist. Throw the ball away. Throw your money away. Make a


donation. . Let's see p if that -- let's see if that made any


difference to the scores. They are in: Are you happy with that? Look,


we don't know what the other team have got in their locker. All I can


say is I'm proud of our performance. If the judges aren't up with the


modern gymnastics, that's not my fault. You've set the benchmark very


high. Let's see what the others have got to offer. It's Team Coe.


Look at the focus. Look at the focus on Seb Coe. Now you see the smile.


He's focussing on this. This is important for Seb. And his team.


They can see a little opportunity here.


There we are, we're away. Ribbon and hoop in unison. Oh, nice


little turn right at the start from Olly Murs. Look at him move! Rs He's


loving it. High up on his feet.


Pivots, and a cartwheel to boot! Sally Philips there. Looking good.


Lively, vital performance here. Just what Team Coe needed. She kicks the


hoop away, but she doesn't care. Now Seb Coe with the focus. Stand by for


something special, look at that! And a flourish.


Snaking and spiralling to a good score, he hopes.


Team Coe! That was impressive. Very impressive performance. They


packed it in there. Seb Coe showing, his sister's a ballerina, showing


early training there. Just as graceful as he was on the


track. Olly Murs, a great favourite with the crowd. Plenty of rhythm,


plenty of moves. Sally had a bit of a bump. She enjoyed this bit.


Selling the routine. It is all about performance. Here comes Seb Coe.


That is the trademark jump. Very steely. Lots of confidence. Who new


that middle distance running would be such great preparation for this


sport? I was once described as the Nuryev of the track! Shall we see if


it managed to get you scores which beat Team Bishop? Let's have a look.


The judges have made their decision. Wow! Three nines. 27. That is an


incredible result. Let's see what the commentators have to say. They


will sum it up. That was fabulous. Here we have Team Coe taking the


four points ahead of Team Bishop. Another event wrapped up here. Join


us later. It is the Women's Time Trial. We have two Olympians, one


super-fit television presenter - some new Lycra - and Sally Phillips


as well! An amazing spectacle. I will never watch rhythmic gymnastics


in the same way again. That leaves the leaderboard looking like this:


I thank you. Team Bishop 17 - Team Coe 16.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up, the ladies get on their bike for the


Women's Time Trial. You don't want to miss that.


Next a film from Nepal and it might upset you. We wouldn't show you


these things if we didn't know that together, we can change them. Here's


Emma Willis. In our world today, 850 million


people don't have enough to eat. You might be surprised to hear that more


than half of that number live in Asia. Malnutrition is one of the


biggest killers of children throughout the developing world.


What you are about to see may be difficult to look at, but it is


important that you understand that this is real and it's happening now.


A lack of proper nutrition can cause children's bodies to waste away.


They become vulnerable to disease and, in extreme circumstances, it


can be fatal. These images are taken from a Sport Relief-funded


malnutrition centre in Kathmandu, Nepal. Children from desperately


poor families are referred here for specialised care. As long as they


can get here, the centre has everything to help children who are


suffering with malnutrition. Extreme poverty in rural areas means that


many parents simply cannot afford to get to the centre. If help does


come, often the situation is already critical. A mum and her baby girl


have been found by a rural care worker. They are from a desperately


poor village with no access to healthcare. At six-weeks-old, she


weighs 4lb. Her Mum is unable to produce milk so the staff try to


feed her. Your support is vital, not only to keep this malnutrition


centre running, but to help educate people to bring their children here


sooner rather than later. Here is the good bit. As long as children


can reach this place in time, the staff here can work miracles.


These children were the fortunate ones. For this girl, it was too late


and she lost her battle with malnutrition. It didn't need to be


this way. 03457 910 910. Thank you. I'm sorry, I know it's unbearable.


Have you got a bonny baby sleeping upstairs? That is happening and, as


you have seen, we are helping but we need to do more. For ?30, we can


feed five severely-malnourished babies for a whole month. You can


donate online - - or you can


call us on 03457 910 910. Do call and remember standard geographic


charges from landlines and mobiles will apply. Now, it is time we said


a thank you to British Airways and to do the thanking for us is good


friend and British swimming legend, Sharron Davies.


SpoR BA staff and customers raised more money than ever. This is Sue


and her friends and they walked from Brighton to Big Ben and raised more


than ?18,000. These are some of the hundreds of wonderful cabin crew


that have been collecting all your spare change that you have been


giving. Thank you. This lot got dressed up as Bear Grylls. When they


came down from the mountain, they have raised over ?12,000. This


bunch, they are the muscles. A huge team of them decided to pull an


airplane down the Gatwick runway. By the time they had finished, they


made over ?2,000. Strong! Paula and these ladies raised over ?2,500.


Well done, ladies. That's not all. The super staff from Gatwick to


Edinburgh have been getting sporty and raising an incredible amount of


money for Sport Relief. You are all amazing. So to all the wonderful


staff and fantastic customers, thank you very much.


Excellent stuff. You could say a real runway success! Let's see how


much BA have raised for Sport Relief. It is:


That's fabulous. Thank you very much. Time to make TV history. Yes,


it's the moment we've all been waiting for. The return of Britain's


best-loved sitcom. Come on, hurry up and get in! It is like Top Gear!


Hello. Here it is, starring the second best-looking David in


showbusiness, it is Only Fools and Horses. This is what happened when


Beckham came to Peckham. Stick the radio on!


All right, come on, then! Gather round, everybody!


Gather round here! Come along, I am not contagious.


Listen, I've got a very special offe for you today.


This is a once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated offer


Now, listen, before you rush in and tear me limb from limb,


and just to give you a better idea of what we're talking about,


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it, eh?


These are 100% man-made cotton and they're fully elasticated.


And as you can see, they've got a very handy button-up fly


Right. But just to show you what makes these very special,


Yes, each one of these has been personally signed


by none other than Goldenballs himself.


Because it just so happens that Beck is a personal friend of mine.


No, you see, he owed me a favour because it was me what arranged


the bouncy castle for his son Brookside's 12th birthday party.


You see... No, this is absolutely true, straight up!


Now come on, this is a special offer you won't see this again.


They normally retail at ?10 but I'm knocking them out for you, ?4.50.


Tell you what - two for ?9. Two for ?9.


get down the caff, have a bacon sarnie, eh?


You better take those off, you look like a right dipstick.


MUSIC: "Waterloo Sunset" by the Kinks


That is the last time, Del. And I mean it this time.


That is the last time I let you talk me into degrading myself


all for the sake of one of your little schemes.


We've all got to make little sacrifices here and there.


All right, then. If we've all got to make sacrifices,


next time you can wear them. Don't be stupid!


And did you at any moment think about MY reputation?


You know, I honestly thought you'd changed.


But no, you're just the same old Del,


ploughing through life without the slightest consideration


when I have ignored you or hurt your feelings.


And don't go on about that painting competition.


Or the time I turned the knob up on the sunbed


All right, then. What about when I was 11,


and you and your mates was bored so you asked me to play hide and seek


and I hid in that big chest thing you'd bought.


Oh, yeah! That was a good place to hide.


Nobody thought of looking in there, did they?


No. And you all sodded off down the pub in the end, didn't you?


Yeah, well, we got fed up looking for you, didn't we?


Four and a half hours, I was in that thing.

:43:28.:43:29. took the game too seriously.


No-one thought to tell me, though, did they?


No, because we didn't know where you was hiding!


There was a dodgy lock on that thing.


Well, how was I supposed to know that?!


Because then you would have known where I was hiding!


I'm sorry that you got locked in that chest.


But we've got more important matters to focus on, eh?


Like the fact that we are currently lumbered with 200 pairs


of men's pants that some git has scribbled over.


And if I asked you to go out into the high street wearing a sarong,


It's all right, David, he's not blaming you. Are you, Del.


I just don't know what the world is coming to. Really, I don't.


"Ex" being the operative word there. And I've got you, with two GCEs,


and a footballing legend who makes Boycie look like a pauper,


and we can't flog a pair of pants between us!


I'm just glad that we're not in that Dragons' Den,


because God knows what Alec Sugar would have made of all this.


It was your idea to have Rodney model them.


Look, I didn't want to wear the stupid bloody things


You know, he's got a point there, Rodney.


You could have shown a bit more enthusiasm.


It's always been your problem, that has.


I am a middle-aged fly-pitcher who drives a three-wheel van,


and above all else, I do not look like that.


It's just any old excuse with you, though, isn't it, eh?


Anyway, I only suggested you do it because he wouldn't.


But Del, I can't go walking around in public


The last time I did that, Fergie almost killed me.


Anyway, why are you wearing them glasses? These? Yeah.


To be honest, I thought that, you know,


if I was to wear these, no-one would recognise me,


and I could be a little bit, you know...incognitive.


Rodders, have you really got two GCEs?


Yeah. I've got one in maths and one in art.


Er, I'd probably have to say Matisse,


because I don't think anyone could get near the way he could


convey intensity through the use of pure colour, you know?


I mean, Matisse did for colour what Picasso did for form.


we're going to have to accept that we are in a classic case


of bouchee a la Rene, as they say in the Alsack.


Why don't you get Damien to model them? He's young.


Rodney, do you really expect me to ask my son


to go and stand in the market out there looking like a slab of mea


while people gawp at him? I mean, that kind of humiliation


could scar him for the rest of his life.


You're already scarred, so one more wouldn't hurt, you see.


What about Trigger? Hmm? Oh, leave it out.


Asking Trigger for help's like asking Ozzy Osbourne


I'm sorry, Rodney, but you are stuck with the pants.


most people think modelling is all about standing there looking great.


Actually, it is, but there's more to it than that.


Just remember - a good model doesn't just walk...


Right, come on, gather round, everybody!


Derek... Hmm? I am going to kill you.


I don't want to draw any attention to myself, all right?


# And miles and miles of carpet tiles... #


All right, come on, let's clear out of here.


# ..Ball games, gold chains Whatsernames and then I'll push


# Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush


Wonderful stuff. There will be a chance to see how we made that


sketch on BBC Two shortly. Don't miss it. The next film is a tough


one, I promise you, we don't show tough films just to upset you. We


show them to you because there are some things we simply have to


change. To do that we need your help. Here's David Tennant.


This is the only children's hospital in the whole of Sierra Leone. I've


come here to meet Margaret, who works for a project funded by Sport


Relief. This is the emergency room? This is


the emergency room. This is where we have patients coming in, who are


very sick. Yeah. He was admitted on Monday with severe malaria and


anaemia. That was two days ago. He's on oxygen? He is. Buff we are very


short of oxygen. That mean the children have to share? Yes, we do.


Who's this here? Hello? Hi. Have they had a diagnosis yet? It's


pneumonia. Right. Who have we got here? Oh, hi. What's wrong? He was


admitted yesterday with severe Newham Mona. Do you -- New


Pneumonia? A little boy is brought in by his grandma. He's showing all


the signs of pneumonia. The nursing staff are immediately concerned.


He's been brought in with a complaint of press irtridisease. --


Respiratory disease. He's struggling breathe. He needs oxygen urgently.


As the hospital staff try to stabilise him, his grandma can only


look on. Since his mum died in child birth, she's spent every day by his


side. Suddenly, there's a problem with the oxygen machine. The main


problem is the oxygen is not enough. There are four, fi connections. This


child is not getting anything now. The child need oxygen. We have to


move the child to ICU. Intensive care is full. There's no choice but


to stay in this ward and continue sharing oxygen. It's a desperate


time for his grandma. Just one week ago, she was in this same ward with


his twin brother. He sadly passed away. It's hard. Because you're a


parent, you're a grandparent yourself. And something like this,


you know, it just, it's too upsetting. Too upsetting. His


fighting spirit has touched the hearts of the nurses here. But now


they're becoming increasingly concerned. Whenever I see them


suffering, from a disease that can be prevented, it pains me. It hurts


me. I know if early on, it could have been prevented. I'm praying he


will recover. But the condition is not good.


I just spray that nothing happens to him. There's this connection between


me and him and it's really, as soon as I go near him, he knows that I'm


there. I just hope that he gets better. I'm sorry to tell you this


but he did not make it. That's tragic. But what makes it


worse, is that it's not a one-off. Between the time that I'm standing


here and the time that you end up watching this, it's likely that


hundreds of children will have lost their lives from conditions that can


be totally prevented. This can't be a normal thing. Children dying,


can't be normal. Their lives are not disposable. So, please, if you've


ever even considered giving on a night like this, please, do it now.


Anything you give has the power to do something incredible. I promise


you, we'll keep trying to stop this. The number is: 03457 910 910. Thank


you. Here is Boyzone. They have asked, if


you can, please phone and donate whilst they perform. Thank you.


# Where are the years I had with you?


# You never said too much but still you showed the way


# And they don't hear the words you long to say


Thank you so much Boyzone. It's almost time for us three to say


goodbye. We can't leave without seeing how much has been raised so


far tonight. Would you do the honours? I'd love to. The total so


far is an incredible... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


That is an absolutely amazing amount. Thank you. Thank you. Thank


you so much for all of your donations. If you haven't already,


give us a little call now and then enjoy the rest of the show. We have


the women's time tribal, celebrity Mastermind, Mock the Week. And my


life partner, Kylie is back, performing Town Into the Blue. After


all that, I'm joined by Fearne Cotton and the teams of Bishop and


Coe for the chat of


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