L'Enclume The Trip

-'Hello?'

-Hey, Rob, it's Steve.

-'Oh, hiya. How are you?'

-Good. Good.

Listen, are you free next week to go away?

-'Where?'

-It's kind of a tour, a restaurant tour, good restaurants.

'Right. Why me?'

Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people but they're all too busy.

It's a job, I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me

or anything weird.

It's for the Observer Magazine. So, do you want to come?

This programme contains some strong language

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

It's incredible, everybody wants to work with you.

I get a call from Wes Anderson, Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne, all of them.

-They're all auteurs.

-Yeah. And they're all geniuses who want to work with The Genius.

I want to do mainstream movies.

Well, Farrelly brothers want to work with you, OK?

The Scotts - Tony and Ridley, want to do a movie together.

They want to do a thing with you where it's 500 years in the past

and you're some guy who's like a warrior who came out of,

I don't even know what it's like but they want to do it with you. OK?

Coens calling up. Wachowskis, both of them want to work with you.

All the brothers, my man, all the brothers... It's like...

Want a piece of Coogs.

I can't believe it's happening.

Well, Steve, guess what?

Wake up. Smell the coffee.

The dream is happening right now.

You're living the dream, Steve.

It's all a dream.

Come back! Wait. Come back.

Can't, I've got a thing.

I don't think I'll talk to you later, but at some point. OK?

Bye.

Bye.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

I thought we'd go up to Dunsop Bridge, up to through the Trough

of Bowland, through Abbeystead, get on the M6 at Junction 33

and then off at Junction 36 a bit further up, and that will take us almost all the way to Cartmel.

Did you ah, did you cement Anglo/Polish relations?

There was a summit in my bedroom.

I won't go into detail but there were more than talks about talks.

In fact, I'd go as far to say there was an historic accord.

"What joy it was to be alive, but to be young was very heaven."

That's Wordsworth I think, going on about the French revolution.

That was when he was younger, before he started going on about daffodils.

< SHEEP BLEAT

-This is a wild and windy moor.

-It is. Misty moor, but you know.

-Christy Moore.

-Christy Moore.

Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.

-Roger Moore.

-Dudley and Peter. Peter and Dudley.

-Oh, god.

# Out on the wild and windy moor

# We'd roll and fall in green

# You had a temper like my jealousy

# Too hard, too greedy. #

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-'Hi.'

-Hi.

-'It's me. Where are you?'

I'm, er... We're just in the Trough of Bowland, heading towards...

-Cartmel.

-Cartmel.

-To...

-'Can you talk to Joe?'

-What?

-'It's just that he's getting a bit out of hand...'

-Is he?

-'He was drinking last night.'

-For Chrissakes.

-'One of his friends' parents called me to complain about his behaviour

'and he's been really ill this morning and won't go to school...

So I need you to talk to him because he doesn't listen to me at the moment.'

OK, I will do that today.

-'Can you do that today?'

-Yeah. Yes, I will do that today.

-How's Mi-mi?

-'Well, I've got to go.'

-OK.

-Right, bye.

-'Bye. Thanks.'

Well, it's none of my business, but I thought she was very unreasonable.

Catherine manages to put me on the back foot from "hello" with extraordinary skill.

This is what they say about L'Enclume.

-"Chef Simon Rogan has moved from his original pledged allegiance to Marc Veyrat."

-Who's he?

Don't know.

"Delivering instead in rapid succession, dishes that have

"left reporters mightily impressed, not only by the tastes, textures and often bizarre combinations,

"but also by the extraordinary level of innovation and technical skill."

-See technical skill because it's a taster menu.

-Interesting.

-Do you like taster menus?

-I'm not sure.

I do. I think when they're good they're really good.

And when it's not done well it's very frustrating.

FRENCH ACCENT: There we have some little canapes to begin with.

A little duet of tapioca based crackers,

spiced popcorn and the lollipops are made out of duck fat with peanuts.

-Thank you very much.

-Check on two covers, lunch menu please.

-Oh, that's a big piece of popcorn, isn't it.

-Very nice.

I like that as well. An enormous green quaver.

-Duck fat lolly.

-Well, why not?

It's just like my comedy, it's familiar,

we all know what a lolly is, but something very different about it.

And, like lollipops, something we enjoyed a long time ago.

Hmm.

CLATTER OF KITCHEN UTENSILS

Listen to this. It's about Warren Beatty, right.

"Peter Biskind, Beatty's new biographer, estimates that the famously seductive star

"of Bonnie and Clyde has notched up 12,775 sexual conquests.

"He slept with an average of 246 women a year."

Well, 365 days a year, that's what?

120 days a year off, that's every weekend off

if he does it every week day and gets his weekends off it's...

-Yeah.

-Achievable.

-Well, Port Talbot has a population of 30,000.

That means he slept with half the women in Port Talbot.

Well, half the population are men so...

-So he slept with all the women in Port Talbot.

-Mmm.

-Which I wouldn't wish on anybody.

-No. No.

There we are, gentlemen. To begin with we have a nice little appetiser.

We've got liquor made out of mallow leaves, topped with a fizz which

is made out of ginger beer, whiskey, as well as chilli.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

That's nice, that's, um...

Tastes of a childhood garden.

Well, it's got a bit of alcohol in it so it tastes...

was there a lot of alcohol in your garden as a child? I'm sorry, Rob.

I use my tweezers for this.

-Everything is all right?

-Lovely.

-Delicious.

-Very, very different. Very interesting, yeah.

-Yes?

-It's lovely, yeah.

-Cheers.

Mmm, it's got... It is a bit, I was going to ask you, the consistency is a bit

like snot, but it tastes great.

Imagine Ray Winstone has coughed it up.

THEY RETCH & HACK

-AS WINSTONE:

-Drink it.

-FRIGHTENED:

-I don't want to drink it, Ray. I don't want to.

-Drink it.

I don't want to drink it, please don't make me drink it.

I'm fed up with all your excuses.

I want the money next Wednesday, but before that you're going to drink a goblet of my sputum.

All right, I'll drink it, Ray.

That's right, drink it down, nice and good.

They say it was delicious.

What can I say?

I can't get the image of snot out of my head now.

Every time I look at... That was lovely! Really nice.

Thank you.

It's a Cote du Rhone, Guigal winemaker, 2006.

Will be a blend of Viognier, Roussanne and Marsanne

a fresh floral, rounded,

and you will find nice crisp finish as well. Nice to follow.

Thank you.

Was he speaking French?

Because I didn't catch a lot of it.

-Mmm, very nice.

-Now that...

is a glass of white wine.

-There's a sort of a melony, do you get melon in that?

-Melanie?

-Don't. Don't. Don't lower yourself!

-All right, I won't do the joke.

There's melon, there's a suggestion of celery.

You should be writing this down, this is gold.

There we are gentlemen, at the bottom of those little sacks you've

got some diced smoked kale as well as shredded radishes, covered with very smooth duck foie gras mousse.

-Enjoy.

-Thank you very much.

Very rare for me that I can enjoy bread in a restaurant because normally it's got yeast in it.

-What exactly...

-I don't digest it.

It ferments in my stomach

and it produces toxins that manifest themselves as blemishes on my otherwise pristine skin.

Would you eat one just once so I can see what happens?

Be a good laugh, wouldn't it?

Amuse you. It's a medical thing. Do I laugh at your grey hair?

Let's not talk about hair because I'll win that one hands down.

-What are you saying?

-That you've had intervention.

-Woah, woah, woah!

Follicular intervention.

I don't care I've got grey hair.

-Not bothered at all.

-Aren't you?

Still got the sun roof.

Yeah. Don't dip your hair in the frigging butter.

You have a go. See if you can do it better!

Would you ever have anything done?

-To my hair? No, I don't need to.

-Your hair is fine.

Your face though. You must be thinking about your chin.

It does look a bit weird.

-Supposed to do that aren't you.

-That's right.

What do you when you're being photographed, with your chin, how do you compensate for it?

I clench my jaw like this.

Wait.

-That's good. That's very nice.

-And lean forward a bit.

-Yeah.

Or, another technique, models use this is just to...

Just turn your head so it pulls that taut so it's like this.

That's a good look for you.

You can put a bit of a smile on but not too much.

-And pull the neck...

-Do them both together.

That's good. That's very good, yeah.

I mean I do that, just by nature does that to me. Look.

I know. I know.

-Your chin's like an ironing board.

-Mmm.

In a good way.

What would you have done?

If I did anything, and I would do it with a heavy heart,

I might just get a little tuck under here.

Do they cut away some of your throat?

-They just tighten it...

-Show me what it would be.

Just pull it back with your fingers.

-Hi.

-That actually does take years off you.

-See the lines on my face, see these ones here?

-Yeah.

They're still there. They're quite hard to shift.

They used to do that.

That's good. You look like Steven Segal,

as he looks now. Now, smile at me.

That's sinister!

You could play villains. Try and be charming with that face.

Try and imagine I'm a young lady.

Hello, do you come here very often?

Yes, but I won't be coming again.

A bad photograph of me in the paper would be something like this.

You could do the Stephen Hawking story.

SPEAKS AS HAWKING: The Stephen Hawking story.

Years ago the universe was a very big place

and when there were some stars and big black holes.

If you took all the material Rob Brydon has done

on Radio 4 panel shows and laid them end to end they would still not be funny.

AS MAN IN A BOX: They'd still not be funny but you asshole.

HE PLAYS POPCORN BY HOT BUTTER

I can do loads of things.

I don't draw on my arsenal of weaponry.

I have things there but I don't use them.

And there we are, gentlemen. Your next course is what we call the Humphries Pool.

It's a shellfish broth made out of mussels, clams, cockles, which are

-cooked in their own juices before to be garnished with shredded local seaweed.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy that.

Never eaten a "selfish broth" before.

He mentioned cooking in their own juices. Imagine that, eh?

Lovely thought, isn't it?

Being cooked in your own juice.

I'll be honest, I don't think I could muster more than a thimbleful.

So what we have at the base of the dish, we've got a goat cheese mousse

and a globe artichoke puree

and that is garnished with deep-fried globe artichoke leaves as well as baby Jerusalem artichokes.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

I don't like artichoke. I should just say that.

Drinking the wine makes me feel quite sophisticated.

A bit like James Bond ordering a martini.

-AS SEAN CONNERY:

-I'd like a... I'd like a martini, shaken

not stirred.

I want it now.

Don't make me wait.

I'll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.

I'll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.

-I'll have a vodka...

-I'll have a vodka...

-You look very worried.

-So do you. You should take a look at your face.

I'd like a vodka martini, shaken but not stirred.

You look like you're recovering from a stroke!

I'd like a vodka martini, shaken but not stirred.

I can feel my legs, it's a miracle!

I'd like a vodka martini, shaken but not stirred.

-AS ROGER MOORE:

-I'd like a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

-AS SCARAMANGA:

-"Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do."

"Come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure..."

-I was saying that bit!

-Well, don't caricature, try and do it real.

-Come, come, Mr Bond...

-Shut up! Don't tell me how to act.

-I bloody should do.

-Why?

Because sometimes you tend to crank it up a bit...

Whereas you are widely regarded as the king of understatement(!)

I'd do it like this. "Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as..."

-Try and get the lines right. As a rule it's more effective if you don't fluff the lines.

-OK.

I'll deliver it with understatement.

Come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

-That was the worst of the lot.

-All right, OK, this is it.

Come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

-Fucking yeah!

-No, you went up at the end.

-Like you watch Australian soaps.

-But you see what I did on my face?

..You get as much pleasure as I do?

Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

When I kill, I kill for Queen and country, though I admit killing you...

Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure...

Pierce Brosnan, he'd say, "The name's Bond, James Bond.

"When I kill I kill for Queen and country, although I admit killing you would be a pleasure."

-IRISH ACCENT:

-I've never liked artichokes and there's nothing I...

You could do Liam Neeson.

If you let her go that'll be the end of it but if you don't I will hunt you down,

I will find you, and I'll kill you.

-Liam Neeson.

-I do this for a living.

If you let her go now that'll be the end of it.

One man, searching for his daughter.

But if you don't, I'll hunt you down.

-I will find you...

-What was his job?

-And I will kill you.

-What's he do for a living?

-He worked for the CIA.

-Supply teacher.

-No!

I do this for a living, now get out your textbooks.

Who's your favourite actor?

-Al Pacino.

-Hmm.

-Charles Grodin.

-Ah...

-Anthony Hopkins.

It's a cold dish, this one. You've got some little baby queen scallops.

They are resting on griddled baby gem and a parsnip coulis

-as well as a light creamy horseradish sauce.

-Thank you.

Rather optimistic to say they're resting.

Their days of resting have been and gone, they are dead.

Um, what were we talking about?

Scallops!

I learn a lot from actors.

Do you know what I learned from Anthony Hopkins?

Never be afraid to touch your face.

He does a lot of that.

He does...

Does this, conjuring nightmares all the time, don't know why.

-Touch your face.

-Touch your face...

-Pacino, I lean.

-Yeah.

Look around. Do this, do this.

-Who do you learn from?

-I go for Jack Lemmon.

-Because he manages to walk that line between comedy and tragedy.

-Like you.

Pathos and truth and make people laugh and cry in the same instant.

That's what I strive for, that's the benchmark for me.

AS LEMMON: I have a stinking cold, could you please...

Would you just please do the thing I want you to do. That's Jack Lemmon.

Richard Gere does a very interesting technique in his films.

He'll listen and then smile enigmatically and then

he'll smile away into the distance as if he's remembering something from the past,

laugh about it, and then return to the dialogue...

-Let me say something and you respond that way.

-OK. Go on.

-OK.

Malcolm... He'd never play a character called Malcolm.

Um...

-Joshua.

-Joshua.

-It's a costume drama. Continue.

Joshua, folk in the village are saying you're never going to come back.

Pa, I...

Woah, I'm not your bloody father. Hang on a minute!

I'm about four months older than you.

You're not slipping that one under the fence!

-You're a character actor.

-Yeah I know, I could play it.

A little bit of make up. I'll do it again.

Joshua...

I'm listening to you in an interesting way. Continue.

Joshua. Oh, Joshua.

Oh, Joshua.

There are folk round here thinking... Oh, son...

..thinking you ain't never coming back.

I guess I'm not.

-Very good.

-Cos I thought, "There's a little subtext there we didn't know about.

"What's going on over there? Why did he look over there?"

-I thought for a minute you'd forgotten your line, but you hadn't.

-No.

It was simply acting.

-Thank you.

-To follow with that, a red, which is from France.

Loire Valley in the northwest of France. Cabernet from grape 100%.

Light, fruity, easy to follow.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

"Easy to follow." That's rather ironic.

Bit of a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act there.

-One no mushroom.

-OK.

-Here is your next dish, gentlemen.

-Thank you.

-Which is a cut of skate,

pan-seared, served with a little langoustine, which are resting on

a base of cauliflower puree and some baby celery stems.

-There you are. Enjoy.

-Thank you kindly.

-Thank you.

-What do you think?

-Mmm, it's nice, it's very, it's very, it's lovely actually.

MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

Ah, it's Mischa.

I've got to go and call Mischa.

RINGING

-Hello.

-'Hi.'

-Hey.

-'Hey.'

-It's me.

'Hey, how's it going?'

It's great, it's great. It's... Yeah, yeah.

-'Where are you now?'

-I'm in L'Enclume.

-No way.

-'Yeah. I'm at the fancy schmancy restaurant.'

Oh, I really wanted to go there.

And what's happening with that editing thing, the job with the guy you know in the...

It's going really well, I think. They gave me an assignment in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas? What, you're going... What are you going there for?

-'For work, I just told you...'

-To do what?

-'..I'm going to go and write there.'

-What are you going to write about?

'I'm going to go do this really interesting piece on prostitutes in Vegas,

'a kind of like "good girls gone bad Vegas-style" story.'

What if you become a good girl gone bad?

'Oh, Jesus, Steve.'

'What, do you think, I'm going to go to Vegas and become a prostitute?'

Thank you very much.

-I have a Ribston Pippin apple sorbet.

-Yes.

Served with an apple cake, a butterscotch powder

-and a roasted quince.

-Thank you.

God, I wish you were Mischa.

God, I'm glad I'm not.

All clear?

-More little goodies for you.

-Never ending story.

-Thank you very much.

-Kendal mint cake.

CRACKING

Very, very nice. Very nice actually.

It's not too sickly sweet.

No, which is what I thought it would be.

Oh, that's bloody lovely, that.

Oh, it's very, it's so sexy. Chocolate and raspberry.

-Mmm! Gorgeous, isn't it?

-Mmm.

-That's the ninth course.

-That's wonderful.

-I don't drink coffee,

but I didn't want to rock the boat.

-Ah, thank you very much.

-Thank you.

How much?

£180.

It's quite a lot, isn't it?

If we had that every day for breakfast, that would be excessive.

Hey, Joe, it's Dad.

Just wanted to have a chat and see what's happening,

so give me a call when you can, right?

Love you. Bye.

Hello, it's Ken Bruce calling.

Popmeister Sally is on the line now and Sally calls us

all the way from London. What sort of music do you like, Sally?

'The phone was on vibrate, that gave me a shock.'

-HE GIGGLES

-Was it?

Vibrating phone. Are you all right?

-'Yeah, fine.'

-Yeah. All good, Chloe OK?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-'Hi, Steve.

'I've got Matt on the line for you, do you want to talk to him?'

Yeah, yeah, stick him on.

-"It's Ste-e-e-eve Coogan, eh?"

-Ha-ha. Hey, Matt, how are you doing?

-'I'm doing good, man. How are you?'

-Good, good. Yeah, great.

Speaking of boiled eggs, I'm not wearing any pyjama bottoms.

-'Aww, you saucy boy.'

-Don't say, "Aww".

-You should say, "Oooh".

-"Phwoar!"

-Yeah, "Phwoar". Thank you.

-'It's like I keep telling you...'

-I just...

-It's like the tortoise and the hare.

-So I'm a tortoise. Great(!)

I'm not saying that. I'm...

'Right now I'm being passed by an awful lot of hares.'

I feel like I'm being trampled by hares.

Would you be up for a bit of er... bit of phone sex?

-Would you be interested in that?

-'Yeah, I might be, mmm. Yes.'

-AS HUGH GRANT:

-Could I interest you in some rather salacious,

-if I sort of do this Hugh Grant, might that get you...

-'No.'

-..Get you, as it were, going?

-'He doesn't do it for me.'

WOMAN GIGGLES

Someone overheard Nick Stevens at an endeavour meeting or whatever,

someone brought my name up and he said, "I wish I'd got hold of Steve Coogan when he was 35."

I mean, I feel... I thought,

"Crikey, is that it? Is it game over?"

-I mean I'm 41, you know, and...

-You're not 41.

I'm not, no, I'm 44. I've been 41 for three years.

I've been telling people I'm 41 for three years.

You know how old Jack Lemmon was when he won the Oscar for Save The Tiger?

-No.

-He was 48.

Yeah, and he'd been a movie star for fucking 20 years, dude.

You get yourself off to er, off to Noddington and I shall er,

I shall bed down here with a rock as my pillow, the stars as my canopy

and this...local barmaid as my duvet.

WOMAN LAUGHS

I like the way you laugh at that like it's not a possibility.

-'I know it's not going to happen.'

-What do you mean it's not going to happen?

-'Well, I mean, it could.'

-I pulled you.

'It's a good time for you. It's a good time to be Steve Coogan.'

OK, good, that all sounds great. Thank you. I hope so.

'But I can't do anything when you're stuck over there.'

-'So get your ass back here.'

-OK. We'll do that. Thanks for calling.

-'Ciao.'

-OK, bye.

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