Three Men in a Boat: The Best Bits

'A time ago when Rory McGrath and Dara O'Briain knew less about boats than they do now,

'everything started with a short jaunt up the Thames in a skiff.

'Since then we have journeyed around the south coast where

-'we took part in a race in Griff's yacht.'

-Get the pole in.

The pole went in the sea, which I don't think is a good thing.

'And lost badly. To Cornwall where Rory nearly killed us in his boat.

'Twice.

'To Ireland where Dara ended up in a paddy.'

-Top of the morning to you!

-THEY LAUGH

'To Scotland where we nearly drowned.

'And to the Balkans and Venice where we blended in with the locals.'

-Seven!

-I can only give you five.

-Oh!

'We've been under sail, motor and the whip.

'Through storms, fog and conditions that would test even the most resilient sailor.'

We are locked in a battle with them at one mile an hour.

'We've sailed around some of the most breath-taking scenery in the British Isles, Ireland and further afield.

'Here are some of our favourite moments.'

'In 1889, Jerome K Jerome,

'wrote up the exploits he and two of his friends had had on the Thames.

'Three Men In A Boat became a bestseller.'

'I'm not quite sure how we've been persuaded to repeat the exercise,

'but anyway, like them we begin in Kingston.'

-Just keep the dog away from me.

-Like them, we take a dog.

My God, it's a very small boat, isn't it?

'Like them, we have a wooden skiff. And, like them, we're three grown men who should know better.'

Exactly how are we going to get enough gear for a week into that?

We've discovered that Griff has extremely strong opinions on how to load a boat.

-He's in charge of packing.

-OK.

-We have to do everything he says.

-Has already become exasperated with us and decided to do it himself?

-No, we're being really lazy.

-That didn't have to be laid that heavily down.

-No.

-For a start, we're not taking the water.

-I thought we'd decided...

-No.

-You're in charge.

I can't remember what we agreed.

-Actually, that's not looking bad.

-It's not looking bad at all.

-What's he doing?

-I don't know but he's loving it.

You know, genetically, Griff is very close to the human being.

His DNA is only slightly different.

-99.8%.

-He can reason, he can use tools.

He uses a rudimentary language.

THEY LAUGH

Dara, as you may have noticed already, is the Long John Silver of this trip.

He's on a crutch.

Rory is just fat and incapable.

So, one way or another, there's going to be some sort of argument about who rows this boat.

He can't be worried that we're talking behind his back

and I'm sitting in HIS seat.

Cast off, bosun. This is it, boys. Good luck.

I can't row with the dog here.

OK, Lolly... Lol.

Get the scruff of the neck and push it up there.

It's going to jump in.

Lol, come up here. Lol.

Apparently the river becomes very beautiful for a while.

-Can I say, Dara and I are rowing very well, Griff.

-You are, I'm impressed.

You've caught a crab.

-I find it easier to row if I'm rowing on my own.

-OK.

Boys! Stop this. It's a team effort.

Every time the rowing starts, you start saying,

"You stop rowing, I want to row on my own."

If you're going to do it on your own...

Dara and I want to say you have to row faster and better than you're doing at the moment.

-Exactly!

-It's pathetic.

-I'm practising.

Can you put a camera, just for a second, on this rowing.

Rory, it sort of goes...

Make up your mind, Rory, in or out.

You row in fits and starts.

Sometimes I row slowly, sometimes I row fast.

What is wrong with you, get a life!

'Having mastered the skiff and the art of bickering,

'it's time to graduate to a larger boat.

'My boat...

'a classic sailing yacht.

'Mistakenly, I put Rory at the helm.

'The Swale is a bit narrow for Griff's yacht.'

You're heading towards other boats!

Keep going... Slow down.

'With everyone concentrating on not hitting other boats

'and putting the mainsail up for the first time, I was not paying attention to the depth meter.'

CRUNCHING AND GRATING

Take the power off.

Take the power off, take the power off. We've gone aground.

'We've ploughed into a sandbank.'

It was either that or hit that boat, Dara.

There's no-one on the boat. What's your problem? Do you know the people in the boat?

No... Hit the boat.

We've gone aground, but pull our centreboard up and I hope we'll come off. I hope...

'Luckily, Undina was built with a raising keel, or centreboard

'which, once wound up, should free us.

'Unless we'd hit a really big sandbank.

'As we had.'

We're now completely static!

You've actually stopped the boat!

You can't teach that, some people just have that.

-It's almost evolutionary, you just wanted to be...

-On dry land.

It's amazing.

Not too powerfully round. That's it, ease off now.

Take her into the wind...

'With the keel up, and the tide rising, Griff calmed down and we were free.'

Can you take her into the wind a bit more, Rory?

Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying.

Keep going.

Give yourself a bit more power until it turns.

That's all the power we get.

-Hello!

-Yeah, we're going.

-We're moving.

Go into the deep water and stay in the light blue.

Stay deep! For once in your career, out of the shallows.

'Captain Rory's boat handling skills continued on his own boat in Cornwall.

'All he had to do was get us across Plymouth harbour. Safely...'

Whoa! No!

Christ!

THEY LAUGH

Turn her round.

Turn her round... Hard...

That's it. Hard to port.

Hard to port... No!

Not so fast! No...

-No, Rory...

-What's he saying?

Not so fast.

'Five minutes later, and Rory had the difficult task

'of getting a six-foot vessel through a 50-foot wide lock.'

This is very nerve-racking.

Difficult to see with Dara's bum in my face.

It's not great when you're trying to get in a dark, narrow...

We've stuck every single fender we have out, Rory. OK?

-Which side, just in case?

-Both sides.

-That's fantastic.

It's quite difficult to navigate a boat...

He's going in the other side.

OK, you're going in that side?

Rory, pull yourself round.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! You're going to hit the side.

CRUNCH!

-OK, so far so good.

-Are we?

'But even an expert sailor, like Griff, has an off day.

'In Scotland on the pilot cutter, Mascotte, he had a little run in with a lobster pot.

'It takes years to learn how to sail her properly.' Pull harder.

'But, luckily, we're just motoring out of the harbour.

'And skipper, Richard, has left me in charge.

'Nothing too difficult here.'

That's good.

Take another gear, you've run over a buoy.

Yeah, we've...

Griff ran into some sort of marine thing.

I think it's too early to blame Griff 100%.

-It's never too early to blame Griff.

-OK, fair enough.

It's caught around the prop.

Did you get the shot of Griff leaning over with his arse in the air?

He ran over something.

'That something is a lobster pot, attached to a buoy.

'And, all of that, is now attached to our propeller.'

Yeah, well this is just a standard day in a boat, to be honest.

OK, if you can pull from here, please.

If we let him go, we own the boat.

That's the rules...

If you can manage to pull slightly forward.

'But there were times when even our expert handling couldn't have saved us.

'Off the Scottish coast, lies a very dangerous body of water.'

'This is the stretch of water,

'described by the Royal Navy as the most violent and dangerous in the UK.

'George Orwell, who wrote 1984, whilst staying on Jura

'nearly drowned by rowing too close.'

Is that it there?

That's a whirlpool!

-That's whirling around. It doesn't look as if it's going to suck us under, does it?

-No, it doesn't.

Do you know what, I don't think it's a whirlpool. I think he's just driving around in a circle.

I think we should drive around until it stops.

'Perhaps the legendary Corryvreckan was having an off day.

'It was quiet.'

Look at this up ahead.

'Too quiet!

'Griff, I'm not sure that's the best thing to say near a dangerous sea anomaly.'

The whirlpool is angry with us!

We've insulted the whirlpool!

-ALL:

-Argh!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Oh, land!

That'll teach you to slag off the whirlpool!

-The Gods were angry. We were just saying...

-So childish...

-What kind of whirlpool is this?

-Just because he didn't get a whirlpool, you had to drown us.

'With not one, but two, gung-ho, real pot-bellied He-men aboard

'it naturally falls to me to do everything.

'One time was in Montenegro, aboard the sail training ship, Jadran.

'The fundamental part of cadet training is climbing the 100-foot mast.

'No... Really.

'Thanks!'

The others don't want to do this

because they don't like heights.

How is his technique, is that right?

No, his technique is not right.

Your technique's not good, Griff.

Yeah...

I wonder...

..if you can hear the slight tremor...

in...my...voice?

-Because...

-HE LAUGHS

Do you see the hard wood?

OK, understood.

This is called a lover's hole

because on other boats they used to go outside

and there was a little stretch of ratlines

which goes outside and then you hang upside-down.

This is quite easy by comparison

with some boats.

It's now... It's now blowing about 40 knots up here.

I haven't got enough hair to blow in the wind to show you how blowy it is.

We're setting off into the teeth of a howling gale.

'And, as we head out of port, the weather doesn't get any better.

'In fact, it gets a lot worse.'

We're going down now. It's wet and I'm cold

and I'm not wearing waterproof trousers.

SAILOR SPEAKS MONTENEGRIN

OK... Everybody's saying I've got to go down, so I'm going down.

Not before time!

-Griff is still up there with him.

-I bet he's frozen.

He's actually appealed for waterproof trousers.

Griff could be frozen to the rigging.

MUSIC: from Pirates Of The Caribbean

Argh!

Sorry!

Forgive me.

I'm just going as low as I can possibly go.

Ah, that feels secure, that feels safe now.

That's good.

That's where I want to be from now on. I'm not getting up from here.

Just sail on and I'll stay here.

'In Ireland, on the way to Limerick we had to pass through Ardnacrusha,

'the country's largest and rather imposing hydro-electric power station.

'It's a 100-foot drop with a wall of water behind it.

'If we'd been in a rented boat, we'd have to turn around at this point.

'The power station drop is considered too dangerous for most vessels.

'Quite why we're being allowed through, remains a mystery.'

They may press the magic button.

I'm disappointed with the architecture.

-Did you want more horns and lights and wa, wa, wa?

-Yeah.

I wanted more Rococo decoration on the...

Rococo decoration on the Ardnacrusha...

-ALARM BEEPS

-There's your horns and lights.

'It supplied the electricity for 95% of the entire country.

'Although, today, that figure is more like 5%.

'At 100-foot it's Europe's deepest lock.'

This is like descending into hell.

Or, as far as I can remember, it's a bit like this.

It's going back a few years.

Are we all getting the stench, the all-enveloping smell of stagnant water?

-What is alarming is what is behind you now, Dara?

-Yeah.

I'm glad we didn't sit on that.

No, I was talking about your career.

THEY LAUGH

-This is quite spooky, isn't it?

-It's spooky, isn't it?

It is very unnatural.

It's like being in a concrete grave, isn't it?

A concrete grave, geez, what a horrendous notion.

Apparently, they do have a traditional of asking women to get off the boat

-because they get so freaked out by it.

-Really?

-Is that a tiny bit sexist in this day and age?

-A little bit.

'The lock has two chambers.

'The first is 60 foot...'

It would be nice to be back in sunlight for a couple of minutes, at least.

'And that's followed by another of 40 foot.

'Essentially it's like a big, watery, mossy lift.'

-MIMICS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

-Interesting plant life. Even here, 40 feet down,

in what is essentially a cave,

forms of fern find a way of living.

'After nearly an hour in the dank, dripping gloom,

'we finally rejoin the original River Shannon.'

That's it.

There it goes, look at that. Fantastic!

'Where we're in a 100-foot deep lock

'or a howling gale,

'there's nothing I like better than a cup of tea.'

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Hello... Hello and welcome to Cooking In A Force 9 Gale.

Today, I'd like, I'd like to show you how to make an infusion

of tea leaf and boiling water.

For this you'll need a kettle full of water...

It's slightly more complicated than I thought!

Now, while your water is coming to the boil,

why not save a bit of time by taking...!

By burning your elbow on the kettle.

Pour the boiling water onto the teabag...

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-..and the result, a warm, comforting mug of Earl Grey...

Earl Grey tea.

'In Penzance, Cornwall, with bad weather preventing us from leaving harbour,

'we found some entertainment.

'In fact, we became the entertainment!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our very special co-production

between the Penzance Amateur Operatic Society

and the Three Men In A Boat.

Today we'll be performing segments of the Pirates Of Penzance.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oo-arrr!

Very good with the "oo-arrr". Congratulations.

With the song that's about the most famous one in this musical,

please, ladies and gentlemen, Griff Rhys Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I am the very model of a modern Major-General

# I've information vegetable, animal and mineral

# I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical

# From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical... #

The lad's doing well.

Going all right... Unfortunately.

# ..Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century

# But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral

# I am the very model of a modern Major-General

# But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral

# He is the very model of a modern Major-General. #

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, carry on!

# When a felon's not engaged in his employment

# His employment... #

Oh, I've just remembered something. Sorry. Hang on.

LAUGHTER

Sorry about this, one more time. One more time.

Wait till... Wait, wait, wait...

LAUGHTER

Otherwise, you'll know what will happen.

You liked it before.

Don't tell everybody.

I like the way you're stood like this, going...

# When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling

# Not a-burgling... #

He's milking this.

# When constabulary's duty's to be done

# To be done

# A policeman's lot is not a happy one

# Happy one. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, indeed.

'In Croatia, it was Dara's turn to get into character.

'We've motored through the night to arrive at Korcula.

'It's famous today, as the birthplace of Marco Polo -

'although that's contested by the Venetians - and for its sword dance, the Moreska.'

'Today they're practising under the watchful eye of master dancer, Tony.

'The solid steel swords are designed to spark when struck hard

'and produce the distinctive sound and rhythm of the dance.'

'This, by the way, is an antecedent of Morris dancing.'

'Swords, fighting... It'd be rude not to give it a go.'

Thank you, thank you.

Who will fight me?

Oh, them. Yeah, them, probably. Are you marking this?

Yeah... I like the Arsenal strip.

Yeah.

OK, orchestra!

I'm trying to find a way out of this now.

Hurray!

Come to the judges.

To be honest...

I was kind of toying with him a bit there.

-AS LEN GOODMAN:

-Dara, first of all, well done, son. When you come on the floor, I thought,

"He's not going to be a Moreska dancer."

But when you got into the dance, the brief there, you done a passable impression of a Moreska dance.

You did a few stumbles, you weren't pointing your toes.

But, you did a cracking good performance. Well done, sir.

Bruno...

-AS BRUNO:

-Well, I...

I liked it, but he was all over the place.

There was no passion from the Moreska.

You have to dance the Moreska with passion and precision.

-It was just a mess.

-He's a beginner, Bruno.

-I think he's done all right.

-No.

-He's a beginner!

Give the boy a break. Anyway, let's score him.

-Seven!

-I can only give you five.

Oh... Boo, boo.

Boo, boo.

Boo, boo.

More!

That's why I think of you and your marks.

We didn't get marked when we were fighting the Moors,

slashed the Turks, can't remember which. Didn't get marked back then!

'With costumes like that, sometimes less is more.'

Where do you stand on nudism?

-I don't. Have you ever been one?

-No.

Come on, let's go! There's supposed to be dozens of them.

-Up here is Europe's largest nudist colony called Koversada.

-Yeah.

Apparently there's room for 15,000

fat, rich, naked Germans with big bellies and tiny willies.

So it says in the tourist guide.

We're sitting, as it happens, on the old boat.

There's nothing else around, it's our boat. And we're passing a tourist bit.

What we can do is just sit here, completely naked. Right?

Just the two of us and see what it feels like.

-Quite honestly...

-Join us after this break.

Oh, my God!

We've got some hungry seagulls looking for that chip.

THEY LAUGH

No, you see. We are mad, that's the trouble with us.

Repressed Englanders, we just associate nudity with sex.

If you're a normal German or Austrian,

or even a Czechoslovak or Croatian, you sit on the beach with no kit on

and you think this is as nature intended me to be.

Pass me that fig leaf, would you?

You don't need a fig leaf, you want a caper.

-Thank you.

-That should do it.

That should cover it.

Nut? No fear!

HE LAUGHS

BAGPIPES PLAY

'At a Scottish Highland Games, Dara was challenging the hammer against a female champion.'

-What are we going to have on this wager?

-A fiver.

Fiver, fiver it is.

It's as if he was born to this, he looks so authentic.

Not bad, Dara.

That's really, really bad.

Short of practice, that's the first one.

-That was rubbish. That was really bad.

-That was great.

Let the Games commence.

Hold a bit back, D, hold a bit back.

Good luck, Dara.

20 quid, Dara.

This is for Ireland.

-Yes!

-Very good.

Oh, now, that was good.

It's all to play for.

Where does he get the strength in his wrists from?

No, it doesn't get me any further. That's shattering. The last one wasn't good at all.

I've given her a window of opportunity. It's that tight.

Well, maybe...

Ho, ho!

'Dara has only thrown half the distance a professional could achieve

'but nonetheless the final is too close to call

'and the measure is out.'

Dara, it's yours. You've won!

There's my competitor.

It's never been seen on television before - Griff handing over money.

They've got this the wrong way round.

I was...

I was only taking bets on D.

-There's your original stake...

-Plus the 20.

-The 20, OK.

You see.

'On the island of Vis, in Croatia, a cricket match. Three men, versus the Germans.

'A strange place to play cricket but not as strange as the kit.'

Oh, I'm not wearing that one!

-Where does that come from?

-This has had a lot of runs.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-It's had a lot of runs, that one. Aye, that box has seen some trouble, that box.

Forward to new victories.

Are you ready? This is the tradition here.

-Argh!

-There you go.

-It's come out the back.

Here we go.

Thank you.

'So, here off the coast of Dalmatia,

'where the ancient Greeks and Romans first left traces of their civilisation.

'Where the galleys of Venice plied their trade, where the Ottoman Empire came knocking at the door,

'where Serbs, Montenegrins, Bosnians and Croatians struggled for their identity,

'the British have left a perfect way of wasting a sunny afternoon.

'And Dara's first to bat.

'Let's see what he can do against the German attack.

'Oh, that's a good first ball.

'He needs to find his line and length.'

Just toying with them. Good.

'And Dara just needs to find where the wicket is.'

'It's not there.'

-Don't let them suck you in, Dara, you know what they're doing.

-Yeah, I can see what he's doing.

'Ooh! Bugger me.

'And a little cheeky hook goes for the four.'

'He's got his eye and this one goes sky high

'over the boundary for a six. Who'd have thought it?'

We're going nowhere, Dara, today.

Get some sandwiches, folks, we're bedding in.

'The bowler changes ends and McGrath faces his first ball.

'And, his second...

'his third...

'and his fourth.'

Lunch?

'Well, no score there but the first ball does the damage!'

'Out for ten.'

Lovely!

'So Rhys Jones at the crease to face his first ball.

'Look at the authority!

'Show 'em who's boss.

'Down to McGrath, he makes contact!

'Oh, the Germans have caught him! Wunderbar!

'Das war wunderbar. McGrath ist kaput!'

'But Rhys Jones is making a stand, he's putting runs on the board.'

'How long can he last in the midday sun?

'That's how long! He's out, he's out.

'He's gone. One of the great innings is over.'

Thank you.

'Meanwhile, Rory displays a liking for sport of a different kind.'

Excuse me, my friend was wondering whether your boat

was named after the Italian referee, Pierre Luigi Collina? No?

I didn't know it was called, Pierre Luigi Collina.

Oh, you didn't buy it off a strange looking bald Italian, with bulging eyes? No.

It's always embarrassing to listen to Rory

with his red face and huge pot belly chatting up girls along the way.

Well, I mean, it's an embarrassment for the girls, amusing for the rest of us!

'Well, in my experience it's much more fun on a boat with some female crew.'

We actually would love to have some expert crew on board,

especially if they're pretty girls.

-Would you be up for joining us?

-Yeah, that's OK.

The bad news is, you have to share a berth with me.

How big's the berth?

-Well, we'd have to lie on top of each other, obviously.

-OK.

And Dara's in it as well. Did I tell you that?

-It'll be cosy.

-It'll be very cosy.

-Sounds a lot of fun.

-We can give him a fiver and send him to the cinema.

'Time to get comfy.'

-Look at this, this is fabulous. Can you believe this bed?

-Come and have a sit?

I hope no animals died making this acrylic fur.

-Have a lie down.

-I will. Can you get a good night's sleep on here?

-Pretty good.

Let's try it. It is comfy. Lie next to me.

Oh, look, there's a door as well. Let's just...

KISSING AND LAUGHTER

'At a Croatian boat show, what's the best way to get a boat?

'Get the PR girl.'

I'm looking for... Ah...

-Excuse me?

-Yes.

-You are the organiser?

-Yes.

-Ah.

-Nice to meet you.

-I'm with the BBC.

-Ah-ha.

I was wondering if somebody could show me around the show.

Around the fair? Of course, why not.

So we need a boat to take us...

-Do you think I'd be able to find a boat here that would take me to Venice?

-Of course.

-I've got ten Kuna on me.

-You have ten Kuna?

-Yes.

-Enough.

-Are you sure?

-OK.

-We'll find something for you.

-You can do the haggling.

'The lovely Dea has a contact she thinks could help me.'

SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE

"Is this boat going to Venice?" she's saying.

She might be ordering a pizza for all I know.

'That's thin crust, extra pepperoni, no anchovies.'

You're very good at this, have you been on television?

-Maybe on a set...

-You should be on television.

You'd be good, you could read the news. You could present a quiz show.

'Rory seems to believe that the best way to a woman's heart

'is through his stomach.'

Bacon?

-It wasn't a bad night's repose, really.

-No.

-That's probably enough bacon for one.

-I'm thinking of Rory, who eats a lot of bacon.

-Does he?

-Is he not up yet?

-No, he's in the tent, I think.

Argh! Argh!

-Did you burn yourself?

-No.

No, but... Argh! Just a second...

We need, erm...

It's not burning, it's charcoal blackened bacon.

-Cajun bacon?

-It is, yeah.

I'm just going to put the Cajun bacon on there.

Lovely, look at that.

That's not bad at all.

TENT UNZIPPING

Good morning, Rory, how are you?

We can't do this any more, we can't have another night, I've had a terrible night's sleep.

-Did you want some eggs?

-No.

There was something flying around the tent keeping me awake. I think it was a swan.

DARA LAUGHS

-Erm...

-What?

-You're now rubbing the bacon things off into...

-Yeah.

-What exactly?

-I'm making blackened eggs with bacon scrapings.

Christ, it's my signature dish.

-I'm OK.

-Badly cooked breakfast.

-I'm really... I'm OK.

-You haven't tasted it yet, honestly.

It's perfectly delicious, it just looks nasty.

-What's this?

-It's Cajun eggs.

Good girl, Lol, you've used your shit.

-What is that?

-It's scrambled egg.

'Some of us will go the extra mile to make sure the ingredients are fresh.'

-Wow!

-Dara O'Briain... Look at this.

Scallops in their own shells with bacon and black pudding.

Even better than that, I think the term is hand-dived scallops.

I've dived these myself. These are the ones I went down for.

-Let's see, shall we?

-Do, please.

-The taste test.

If I've ruined them in the way I've cooked them, I'd be really...

-Mmm.

-Mmm. Mmm.

-That's a plateful of flavour.

-Nicely seasoned.

-Thank you very much.

-I like those.

-The presentation is beautiful.

-They're cooked very beautifully.

-In their own shell.

-Mmm.

The physical I had to do in order to get health and safety clearance to do the dive,

took an hour and a half.

I am now cleared to dive on an oil rig.

Was there any health and safety involved going to the distillery?

-No.

-They didn't take your blood pressure, check whether you could drink it?

No hard hats, no steel toecaps...

-Did you have to wear any luminous gear?

-Only my face.

'Rory's face got even redder when Griff cooked crayfish from the Thames.'

-Griff, we're going to be on an Environment Agency poster.

-Ah!

-All of us dead by the riverbank.

-You've burned yourself!

Griff...

We're going to end up on an Environment Agency poster...

-Do you...

-For

-BLEEP

-sake!

-That's the first thing I've

-BLEEP

-said all week. Shut up!

-First thing(?)

-You haven't shut-up all week!

-Just a minute... The first?!

-Shut up, Griff!

-I'm fed up of your

-BLEEP

-voice!

We've nearly wrapped.

We're going to be on an Environment Agency poster, Griff.

Three of us dead after eating crayfish out of the Thames.

It's a great line. I'm glad you could deliver it four times.

-I'll do it again with pauses, for the interruptions.

-The first thing he said...

I like that, you've been mute. It's a miracle! Helen Keller, the rower, has finally spoken!

You can tell Griff doesn't drink, can't you?

It's done! It's finished.

Griff, I'll be the first.

DARA LAUGHS

Yeah... Yummy! Yum, yum, yum!

Euch, give me some of that brandy.

-Oh, Griff.

-No, I'm just trying to protect myself.

-It's like being out with you at university.

-Anybody that might be

tempted to follow my recipe.

Cook the crayfish until they're properly cooked.

Reduce the sauce until it's properly reduced.

-Don't throw the purges out of the crayfish in...

-Into the sauce!

Into your sauce. Otherwise, it's a little bit self-defeating.

And, enjoy!

'And now, to more harmonious times.'

THEY MIMIC DRUMS AND BAGPIPES PLAYING: "Scotland the Brave"

'Occasionally we did try to aim a little higher, musically.'

BANJO PLAYS: "Sirtaki" from Zorba the Greek

We'll write a song, OK?

# Here I am on a rowing skiff

# With Irish Dara, Welshman Griff

-# And Rory... #

-No, that was...

# Here I am on a rowing skiff

# With Irish Dara, English Griff And our little dog, Lol... #

It's an accumulation song.

-Shall I do...?

-It'll give us time to think what they could be.

So, here I am on a rowing skiff with Irish Dara and Welshman Griff.

We've got a fireplace to make the dog scared stiff.

And Rory!

And now the English entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, it's the Three Men In A Boat.

-ALL:

-# We're doing a trip with Jerome K Jerome

# It's going to take us far from home

# That won't stop us complaining and moaning about Rory. #

Thank you!

'Time to get the professionals in.'

CROATIAN FOLK SONG

'In Croatia, some onboard entertainment in the form of local folk singers.'

Bravo!

Beautiful... Can we offer you a glass of wine?

You sing another song and I'll get some glasses.

I'll get some glasses.

# We all live in a yellow submarine

# A yellow submarine

# A yellow submarine

# And the band begins to play

Band... Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...

# We all live in a yellow... #

'What we lack in vocal skills, we make up for in practicality.'

That is the tent bit, I think.

I recognise that. I think this is a porch for entry.

Hm, hm... Argh!

It's like the Chinese carnival, it's the dragon parade.

What's that there, that poley bit of thing?

I've never camped!

-A few drawings wouldn't go amiss.

-We had a huge intention that this wouldn't turn

into comedians who can't put up a tent.

I've just put the tent on, upside-down.

Which is a complete and utter pain in the arse, because the whole thing has to come off and be turned round.

I don't even know how important that is because it's just whether you tie it up a bit.

That's the fly-sheet... What the hell's that?

What I can't help noticing is that the director is helping Rory put his tent up.

-Are we doing it wrong?

-I don't want to be here all night.

-I've never camped!

'In Ireland, Griff's epic battle to get a barge engine started

'was almost as historic as the barge itself.'

How is it going, Griff?

Have you started the engine yet?

No! It's just heating up.

Nothing about this, Griff, inspires me with any confidence whatsoever.

-A very old, rusty machine.

-Yeah.

-A gas torch aimed at it.

-I've got my hand on a fuel valve.

-Yeah.

-And you're playing with that wheel.

-Yeah.

This could be the last Three Men, ever.

A one...a two.

A one, two,

three, four,

five...

GRIFF GRUNTS

I can't get it going.

'At least the barge had entertainment in the form of Griff losing his temper.'

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE STOPS

GRIFF SIGHS

That...is enough...of that.

'I'm a man of more sophisticated tastes.

'THIS is more my style.'

Whoo!

I've driven bigger, by the way.

HE LAUGHS

We're turning.

And, I haven't hit anything yet.

But, you know, it's early days.

'Now all I have to do is persuade Griff to buy one.'

-Hello...

-Dara, this Mike.

-Mike, how are you?

My wife and I are interested in buying a boat.

-I wonder if you could show us any of your boats.

-Absolutely!

'First on Mike, the boat agent's list, was a French built Beneteau.

'Eau, meaning water and benet, a large, plastic shower cabinet with a metal stick attached.'

OK, this is nice.

Plenty of space, isn't it?

Yeah, in comparison, we could do laps of this.

-You could hold a dance on your aft deck, can't you?

-Yeah.

This is nicer than Griff's, it's clean and bright,

and airy and spacious.

Why aren't we on this boat?

Why didn't Griff buy this boat?

His fetish for old things.

Look at this, this is fantastic!

There's a drinks cabinet.

This is so much nicer than your boat.

Your boat doesn't do this!

I know, it's all thought out, it's what production does for you.

It's not... Dara, is it NOT nicer than my boat.

You just think it is. Anyway, coming up here, look here.

-You see...

-A walk-through kitchen.

-Look at this!

-You see, my God!

-Lovely fridge. Look at that!

Look at that!

That's magic! Oh! Oh!

There's a proper bathroom!

-With a shower!

-I can't believe it, can you?

I can roll from side to side.

Oh, I'm tired of sleeping on my left, I'll try sleeping on my other side.

That's nice. Oh, hello, back over here again.

I can sleep diagonally!

I can sleep like Superman! It's great.

-I should never have brought...

-Star jumps in bed in the middle of the night!

-I can't do that in your boat.

-I should never have brought you aboard this.

In Montenegro, we got a glimpse of the lifestyles of the rich and dictatorial.

Jadranka was the personal yacht of Tito, President of Yugoslavia.

Look, people with serious uniforms on this boat.

THEY GREET IN MONTENEGRIN

Rory, go ahead, because you speak the language and do the introductions, please.

-Commandant.

-Welcome aboard. My name is Goran.

-Goran?

-Goran.

'Comrade Tito had a yacht built 40 years ago for the entertainment

'of foreign dignitaries to show off his socialist utopia.

'Nowadays, they use it to show off the new Montenegro.

'Say what you like about the strict socialist, ex-partisan womaniser

'and leader of the non-aligned nations of the world,

'Tito certainly knew how to spend it.'

-Go and look around and see if we can find any hints of Tito still on the boat.

-Like Sophia Loren?

-Hello, Captain, how are you?

-Fine, you?

-I'm very well, this is our first boat.

-How are you feeling?

-I haven't got this back yet.

-You don't have a problem with sea sick?

-No, I don't get sea sick.

Who's been here from our part of the world. Who's been here from Britain?

-Prince Andrew was here.

-And, who else?

-Gaddafi.

-Gaddafi? Very topical at the moment.

Very hot right now, Gaddafi.

-Who else?

-Haile Selassie.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Elizabeth Taylor.

Hang on, what is Elizabeth Taylor's military or governmental role?

-I believe that Tito loves...

-Beautiful ladies.

-Yes.

He did love the beautiful ladies, didn't he?

And where would President Tito make love to all those famous actresses like Sophia Loren?

It would be here in the lounge.

If you're a Communist leader what you want most of is, let's face it, fridges.

Look at this.

And these peculiar...

They're shot glasses.

Everywhere you go on this boat, there are shot glasses.

Shot glasses... You imagine how much raki you can get in those.

Shot glasses, everywhere you look on this boat.

This drawer is actually a shot glass in itself.

You pour the brandy into that and put your head in here, like this.

'Back to reality, and one way or another we always end up in a boat race.'

I can't believe this. We row innocently into the middle of Wallingford Regatta.

We get off the boat we're rowing, averagely as we do, me and Dara.

We get off and some bloke says, "Good rowing, boys. Nice timing, in sync, superb, very smooth,

"better than some of our crews."

I think, "That's fantastic. We can now go to our graves thinking we once rowed very well."

Dara says, "Great, we'll enter the race, we'll beat you. Come on."

The fighting Irish takes over and he's got us into a race at three o'clock.

Racing I don't know... I hope it's the Wallingford, one-armed, elderly women's society.

So, you know, there's money on it, as well. I've just been shouting my mouth off.

We're racing a team they're putting up against us.

I thought we were lucky to have just managed to row there.

We got under the bridge and, "Thank God we got away from that."

But, no, no, no, no, let's come back and really humiliate ourselves.

-TANNOY:

-This is novice ladies, select four.

Have a good one, 59.

Good luck, 59.

Don't pretend you can't see us.

-TANNOY:

-OK, both teams ready?

Attention...

Go!

Together! Follow Rory.

That's it, we're going well.

Keep that pace!

Back and row.

-And row!

-Shit!

And in!

In!

In!

In!

In! Row together...

Backs into it!

Put your backs into it and row like crazy.

In! Let's have it forward. In! Come on!

Row it hard! Follow through!

Pull!

They've beaten you, mate.

Yeah, we noticed that.

Thanks very much(!)

Hurray!

Three cheers for the ladies!

-Hip hip...

-ALL:

-Hurray!

-Hip hip...

-ALL:

-Hurray!

-Hip hip...

-ALL:

-Hurray!

We can't even get the cheering in time.

Not a bead of sweat on the four of you.

LAUGHTER

I think next time we need to change our cox.

I don't want to blame the manager, but after such a humiliating defeat,

it's customary to sack the manager.

'In Venice, for a gondola race up the Grand Canal,

'Dara and I did indeed ditch Griff in an attempt to win

'and left him rowing with the ladies.

'The course is simple, right down the straightest bit of the Grand Canal

'and under the Rialto Bridge to finish.'

'Since we're novices, it's going to be a rolling start.

'When both boats are neck and neck, we're off.'

Avanti...

Uno, due, tre!

Avanti! Go, go, go!

-Come on!

-Come on!

-It's a long...

-Hey, Giuseppe, due. Uno, due.

'While Griff's boat gets into a rhythm, our boat gets into an argument.'

-They're all over the place.

-They are not fast enough.

-They're not fast enough to keep up with us?

-No.

I'm not hearing any uno, due, Rory.

Uno, due... You start, then.

Avanti! Avanti!

We are miles behind. We're not within spitting distance.

-We're second, Dara, don't lose the inner game.

-You're right.

We'll still qualify for next year's event.

'Rory and Dara have now mastered the technique or air rowing

'which doesn't involve getting the oars wet.'

-Un...

-Uno, due...

-Why do you have to make that noise, Rory?

I'm cutting out the uno, I'm just doing the "un".

I've spent every uno looking forward to due.

Uno, due...

Uno, due...

'Griff's boat have found their rhythm.

'There's less internal debate going on and the Rialto Bridge looms overhead.

'Rightfully and easily, they win and take the acclaim of the tourists looking on.'

Hurray!

Hurray!

-OK?

-Better than "OK" I think.

-Bellissima!

-Bellissimo.

Bellissimo. Si!

'Griff won that one, but when the three men come together

'we're a force to be reckoned with on the waves.

'It's all in the preparation.'

-Shall we practise tacking?

-Practise tacking.

-Are you releasing?

-I'm releasing.

-And I'm looking into the wind...

-And release.

-I've released.

I've released. I've released.

-Good tack.

-Excellent tack.

-We look like a theatre group from 1970.

-Not a very good theatre group.

And more of a physical thing... Oh, I'm trapped in the box.

Oh, let's do our tacking mime again.

We cracked that one.

Four, three, two, one...

HOOTER BLARES

'We're off and we all pull together.

'As talk turns to action, it appears that Rory and Dara do want to win as much as me

'but perhaps not as dementedly.'

Set the cursor to the position timer. Ease off, ease off, ease off!

Ease a bit, ease a bit, ease a bit, ease a bit.

Ease that main, ease that main, ease that main.

Ease it, please. Ease it, please.

-Are you ready back there?

-Are you ready?

Yes, please. Hoist the spinnaker!

'Our secret weapon was out, the spinnaker!'

Furl, furl, furl, furl that main.

It's a big sail.

'This is a winning streak.

'It's massive, it's dangerous and it needs utter concentration.'

Oh, my sheet. What is it? OK.

-THUD

-Oh, Christ!

-What's happened?

-I don't know. The uphaul has come off.

The uphaul has come off?

Darling, it's over there.

What happened then?

Something happened, the pole went in the sea.

Which, I don't think is a good thing.

This is just utterly infuriating.

'Sometimes old boat bits just give up the ghost.'

Why not? It's gone up the mast.

'It looks like Griff's had enough, too.'

'Onward and upwards, time to get the gennaker out.

'We're still behind.'

We can use our gennaker and we'll overhaul them on the next tack.

-If we can get that gennaker ready.

-That should do the trick.

Stand by... Yeah. Don't haul it any further!

'No! We can only use it after we've turned the next buoy.'

And, now haul, please.

'Fortunately this is a sail we've actually practised with.'

Are we ready for the gennaker? Stand by to furl that. That's it.

It's working, it's working. Furl that jib, furl that jib.

Furl that jib.

She's gaining on us!

We can still win this race.

'Josephine turns the final buoy.'

Get that mainsail in. Get it in!

'The wind picks up which helps us some more.'

Let's chase this boat. We can do it.

HOOTER BLARES

-ALL:

-Hurray!

'You know, I've never won a race on this show.

'Luckily, I've other memories.'

-Am I eating this?

-No.

That's incredible!

You look like you're a children's television presenter. Let's go to Rory for a song.

Hi, kids.

That's the native look.

We don't want to go there.

UTTERS THEATRICALLY

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Is it open mic night?

-Yeah, it is.

-Next!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd