09/05/2016 The One Show


09/05/2016

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Hallo und herzlich willkomen zur Der Eine

:00:17.:00:19.

Heute Abend auf dem Sofa, der deutsche Comedy

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Very good. You have got more than I thought. Anyway... You've appointed

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yourself as a German comedy ambassador. What does this role

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involve? Being myself really and giving myself a grant and a title. I

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thought about it, what are the chances of somebody appointing me

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the German comedy ambassador? That's not going to happen so I might as

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well do it myself. It is a political party. . I went for the cheap route.

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We're not the only ones trying to speak German today. Here is Boris

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Johnson a few hours ago jeering a referendum speech. Anyway, you know

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it. What was that? I can really embarrass myself. I'm not going to

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say who it was by. But... It was Beethoven, wasn't it? The ode to

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Joy. He knows all the languages. He has got all the bloods. He has some

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German, Turkish, born in America. Drop a cosmopolitan. His family

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above but he says Britain should leave the European Union. We are

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going to do talk about Henning's tour later in the programme. Plus,

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we are going to go live to Orlando to get the latest on the Invictus

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Games after the spectacular opening ceremony last night.

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Well, our German might not be quite up to scratch but how

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Earlier today he took a sample English language SAT

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meant for ten or 11-year-olds and the result

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It's these Standard Assesment Tests that caused more

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than a thousand parents to keep their children out of school

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last week protesting that they put too much pressure on kids.

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We sent Trish Adudu to St Peter's Primary School to investigate.

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This primary School in Whetstone, Leicestershire.

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This primary School in Whetstone, schools where children will be

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setting the standard assessment schools where children will be

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tests. Compos three as part of the national curriculum, the government

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insists that they keep standards national curriculum, the government

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up. Critics claim they are in danger of sucking the joy out of

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up. Critics claim they are in danger for kids leaving them are

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up. Critics claim they are in danger overworked. The children aren't

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happy, they are crying overworked. The children aren't

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stressed. They are not enjoying learning any more. To find out how

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stressful they really are, we are putting the tests to the test. Are

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you smarter than a ten-year-old? I'm about to find out. Kids as young as

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six in year to take Sats. But we are testing the older children. How do

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they feel about it? I've been hearing on the news that people have

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been stressed out by it and have been taken out of school because of

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the stress levels. Seven tests in one week and I try my hardest. I get

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stressed at home a lot. I can't really help it. It's annoying me and

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I don't really like it. People are overreacting about it. It is a big

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thing but you just need to do your best. Trying to keep confident and

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not be as stressed. My dad says, it doesn't matter if you are low as

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long as you try your hardest. I've been summoned to the headteacher 's

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office. Michael Bailey reckons we need a rethink. Why are you so

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worried about Sats? I don't feel they are pitched at the right level

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for students. I love English but the need for that level of grammar isn't

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relevant to them. The new arithmetic test, 26 questions in 30 minutes.

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Why does it have to be done in 30 minutes? Are we testing their maths

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or ability to time manage? We are starting a learning journey and we

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don't want to put them off. Unlike the 11 plus, there are no passes or

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fails in Sats. Yet, the teachers union maintains they are causing

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chaos and confusion. The government insists gave grounding is vital for

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young children and some parents are backing a boycott but not here. So,

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just how hard our Sats? We invited ourselves to test themselves with

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the children. Also involved our parents and grandparents. You've

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been practising and we haven't. It's a long time since I've had a test

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like this. You will find it the hardest? I think Trish is cheating!

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It is so hard. I've no idea what a relative clauses. Just finished the

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answer you are doing and close your booklet. So, do you know you're

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subordinating conjunction from your coordinating conjunction? I found it

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really difficult. Some things I couldn't remember and some things

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were so obscure I had never heard of them before. Are you any good with

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modal verbs? There were words in there, I didn't even understand what

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the question meant? Can you pinpoint a possessive pronoun? Hands up if

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you think you did better than the kids? At least they got something

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right. Could adult concerns be misplaced after all. The kids beat

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the parents and grandparents by a healthy margin. The highest mark of

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90% went to a ten-year-old. How did I do? Trish, use good 49%. -- you

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scored. It just shows how difficult it is. We will be revealing

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Henning's results later. I found it very stressful. It was meant to be

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done in 45 minutes. I gave myself 35 minutes. My palms were sweating and

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it put me under stress. Here we are. It is a new system. The first time

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it has been done. Given as the background on this. We are hearing a

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lot about it because May is the time that Sats are taken. You have ten

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and 11-year-olds sitting them this week. Essentially, a new curriculum

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came in two years ago in 2014 which was supposed to be a bit more

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demanding, tougher, these are the Sats that follow. They are supposed

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to be more demanding in terms of punctuation, grammar, and

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arithmetic. It comes from a fear that we are falling behind as a

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country. It is based on a study from the commission for economic

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co-operation and development. They looked at 15-year-olds in 65

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countries in core subjects. We did not farewell at all. 26 in maths, we

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weren't making the top 20 in any core subject. China is on top. Also,

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European neighbours are doing better. Germany, Ireland, Estonia,

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Finland. This caused real concern in the government. They made these

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changes and that is why we are seeing the first cohort from the new

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curriculum going through these tougher tests. Lots of the parents

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are against the changes. Some of them have started a campaign called

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Let Kids Be Kids. They think it is too dry, turning schools into exam

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factories. They think these tests are killing creativity. They also

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fear that there is a danger that kids will feel like failures. That

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they are judged too regularly and if they are not up to standard, it is

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not good for self esteem. The National union of teachers are

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worried about the level of testing at primary level. I think that's the

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point. I understand that we want to progress and be up there in the

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league tables. I understand also that at some point in school, you

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should be able to underline the verb form that is the present perfect in

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the passage below. Should you be able to do that at ten? It is a lot

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of stress on young shoulders. The government say that this isn't just

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about testing children, it is about checking what schools and teachers

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are up to. They need some way of checking standards. The campaign for

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real education would say that it is important to get a health check for

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children. Where they are at. Where their progress is. Henning, how long

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have you been speaking English? What? How many years? I came over 14

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years ago. I did come over with school English. That doesn't mean

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much. You don't know idioms or colloquialisms, you have next to no

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vocabulary. You only know grammar. You say everything exactly the way

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it is in your grammar book. Living in London for some time you say we

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was instead we were. Let's get your results. There we are. 73%! APPLAUSE

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When I get deported, or will I not? That is the question. You can be a

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reporter on the show. And it's your second language! Stop patronisingly!

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reporter on the show. And it's your It's my second language as well, so

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I understand. According to a certain

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Swedish flat pack company - But nearly the same amount of people

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fear that they could lose years of precious pictures

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if technology failed them. So we sent Lucy out

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to print some memories. We will take one of you. It feels

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these days like we are constantly taking pictures. On our phones and

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our tablets. Does anybody feel the need to print them? Do you have an

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album? Are they on your phone? Both. On my phone. My Mrs has loads of

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albums. What happens to your pictures on the phone? The memories

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are gone unless you print them out. I've got a great one here. Very

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nice. You didn't blow it up. There is a limit to what we can do. Much

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better than photos, aren't they? I take lots of pictures on my phone. I

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don't use a camera any more. Do you print them out and put them in an

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album for the future? An album? What an album? When I was growing up, we

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used to have a photograph album. My mum has one of them. The only time

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the photo album comes out is when mum wants to embarrass you. That is

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my older sister's baby. Good quality? No. It looks better on the

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phone. How many pictures have you taken of this lovely little girl

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since she was born? In the thousands. She is in a memory box

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for her. Hardly anyone is printing them out but you are. Yes. I

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enjoyed. It is old-fashioned, as well. Look at that! What is this?

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This is my old camera. It is my fail-safe. We want a record of our

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lives to pass on to our grandchildren. This is going to be

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new for us. We have only done phones so far. Here we go. Memories. Our

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grandparents had photographs. We have still got those. Well, we did

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manage to find the last photo on Mr Baker's phone. A good one from last

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night. Congratulations, BAFTA winner. Brilliant team effort.

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Unbelievable. It was those see otters. We were up against Tim

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Peake. Sorry if you can hear is up there.

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The company I was working for in Germany, it was about to go under.

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What company - a comedy company? It was a company to do with golf

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courses. It was sports marketing. So, I looked at my CV. It looked all

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right. I did not speak English rather than basic school England. I

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thought I should go to England for a good few months and learn some

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English. God knows how I managed to end up with a job in the marketing

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department of Whickham Wanderers. Come on, the chair boys and I wanted

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to stay a few months, but somehow I am still here. Into the comedy I

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got, once I had been here for a year-and-a-half. Walked past a pub.

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A sign said, stand-up comedy. I was intrigued. Went inside. Enjoyed what

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I saw. And got started. Wow! Your last tour was incredible popular,

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Ein, Zwei, DIY - did I say it all right? Let's see a moment from that

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tour. Oh, yes. There was a tournament last

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summer... I might be able to jog your memory.

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Let me have a look... Everyone's got one back home. Now,

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come on, have a look. Have a look... This is the closest... Classic! That

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is out to buy now on DVD. And very topical as you can see.

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And the new tour then, Westphalia Is Not An Option, what can we expect?

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Well, that is actually a show about me being, essentially that was

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triggered by me being asked to hold An Immigrant's Guide To Britain. A

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guide for immigrants by immigrants. That was an eye-opening experience

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to me that I was considered an immigrant. I never considered myself

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an immigrant at all, for many reasons - the lack of hardship in my

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story. I think there is something extreme to be qualified as an

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immigrant - not just to go to Dortmund airport and an hour later

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you land in lieu on the and you can work. I -- Luton and you can work. I

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thought to qualify as an immigrant you had to move somewhere better.

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Good... Very good... Somewhere worse I always associate with becoming an

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ex-pat, or more extreme cases a relief worker. Anyway, essentially

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it is the, the whole show is a look at the topic of immigration - a

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fluffy topic for comedy. And then, on the show that I am putting

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together at the moment. And the show immigrant's guide to Britain is on

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Channel 4. The tours for Henning's latest tour, Westphalia Is Not An

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Option, are on sale now. The 2016 Invictuses kicked off today. It

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started with a challenge from the White House to the palace.

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Oh, message... From Michelle. Shall we watch it together? Yes.

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Remember you told us to bring it to the Invictus games. Careful for what

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you wish for. Oh, really, please. Her Majesty not phased at all there.

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The games are now in full swing and we can go live to Gabby and Ade in

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Orlando, where the time is coming up to 2. 20pm. Good afternoon.

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Good afternoon, spot on, Matt. Hello to Alex and Henning from sunny

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Orlando. The games are under way and we will bring the highlights on BBC

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One all this week. Last night Prince Harry launched the games. To all of

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those watching at home and who are suffering from mental illness in

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silence, whether a veteran or a civilian, a mum or a dad, a teenager

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or a grandparent, I hope you see the bravery of our Invictus champions,

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who have confronted invisible injuries and I hope you are inspired

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to ask for the help that you need. Powerful stuff and Prince Harry will

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be live for a chat with us later on. With us now are two competitors,

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Luke Sinnot, from the Armed Forces team and as you have Henning in

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there, from the German team we have Lieutenant Colonel Ralf Kleindienst,

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who has come in for a chat as well. Good afternoon.

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Ralf, first of all welcome, and Henning will be listening in from

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the studio. What are the key German characteristics that you think will

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lead the German team to success here at the Invictus Games? As always the

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Germans are serious, disciplined. That is the reason why we will win

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gold medals. It is of course friendly, Ralf. There is great

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friendship, let's not forget that. Everybody walks around with a smile

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on their face. The UK topped the medal table in 2014, so we would

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like a large haul of medal as well. We have been training hard. We have

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top guys competing. The Americans obviously - we have a few guys to

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beat out there. I hope Germany does well, but not too well. We want to

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rub it in their faces. There 's no football yet. Ralf, what

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events are you competing in Swimming and archery. How is the prep going?

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Pretty good. We have two weeks training in Germany. So, we are, I

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guess because of the wonderful atmosphere in the training camp, a

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good preparation for the games. Tell us about your preparations and where

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you are competing? Tennis and athletics, in fact I am running

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tomorrow morning at 8am for the 100 metres. I spend a lot of time on the

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track in the UK in the cold and the wet.

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You may knock a few seconds off your time.

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The best of luck you both. Enjoy it. It will be fantastic. Remember

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straight after The One Show we will talk to James Blunt and Gareth

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Malone who both performed at the Opening Ceremony last night. And

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Prince Harry. Don't forget him. We will stay tuned for that.

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Henning, we understand that you are a fan of the seaside. Have you heard

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of or been to Frinton-on-Sea? John Cooper Clarke, poet lives there. He

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has written a poem for The One Show, inspired be I the Essex Riviera.

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I have lived in Essex for the last 27 years.

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I see myself as an Essex bloke, yes. I have no plans on moving.

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Essex, home, sweet, swinging home. Thank you, Pauline.

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Around sort of 1976, when punk rock thing happened, I was advised

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Around sort of 1976, when punk rock perform my stuff at the punk venues.

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I figured out, yeah, I could fit in with that. I think poetry should be

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performed. It was always written in order to be

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performed. It was always written in Music made out a language. So you

:24:21.:24:20.

Frinton to me is the Essex Riviera, should hear it.

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Frinton to me is the Essex Riviera, it has a beautiful place of art deck

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co-houses, which are indicative of the way they were back in the '30s.

:24:40.:24:41.

It was going to be the Miami beach of the East Coast.

:24:42.:24:47.

A beautiful place. of the East Coast.

:24:48.:24:52.

I don't want to talk it up too much, otherwise, you know, everybody will

:24:53.:25:02.

want in. And now, get all fabulous, my poem

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Department A, the whole town is on for The

:25:06.:25:15.

Department A, the whole town is on holiday.

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Department A, the whole town is on I'm living in a show place, in a

:25:16.:25:21.

dream home ghetto. I'm living in a show place, in a

:25:22.:25:26.

Hands off the threads, this level of drapery don't come cheap. When do we

:25:27.:25:31.

sleep? I get my bread from a cake boutique. No pressure on the street.

:25:32.:25:33.

The gates give out boutique. No pressure on the street.

:25:34.:25:41.

embezzlement and disrepair. I boutique. No pressure on the street.

:25:42.:25:43.

take you there, somewhere boutique. No pressure on the street.

:25:44.:25:50.

People try to sell you stuff, you only think you want to buy. Extend

:25:51.:25:54.

your reach to the outside world, it is time you want to cry.

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I'll help you pack, I'll be right here when you get back. Here where

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things are kind of slack, in fact a dream home ghetto.

:26:06.:26:10.

There is a social road block, where the brakes are set to screech. Stick

:26:11.:26:20.

your cameo beach. Here is an avenue, of invisible worth. It is the nicest

:26:21.:26:21.

place on earth.ly give a wide Bert of invisible worth. It is the nicest

:26:22.:26:30.

to the white surf and I will take this ghetto. Cream coloured and

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streamlined. There's a balconed terks e and a

:26:38.:26:43.

place to hang your fishing net. You bet a dream home ghetto.

:26:44.:26:48.

The nearest neighbour is a guy with a gut, and a moo-moo. We've got

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gates which stay real shut. No buts, a real home ghetto. So, room number

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blue, apartment A, old towns on holiday. But I'm going no place. I'm

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living in a show place. Dream home ghetto. One more time, this time

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with echo, a dream home ghetto. Dream home ghetto.

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Beautiful. And the art deck co-houses are beautiful. A lot of --

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art Deco houses are beautiful. As we spent so much time speaking about

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English, we thought we would speak more English. We sent our cameras

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out to test the British public with the longest and most difficult

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German words. Henning you have to decipher what they are trying to

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say. Any idea? It is something along the

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lines of... So that is the Danube steam ship

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company captain. Yes. I thought it was the captain's

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hat. Wow! One more really quickly then.

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This is Raj. Here we are. Have we got it?

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Here we go. OK.

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Well... That's all we have time for. There we are. Insurance companies

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provide legal protection. Henning, thank you.

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We are off air for the Invictus Games tomorrow.

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But we'll be back on Wednesday night when our studio will be

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