Compilation Show The Dog Ate My Homework

-Blah, blah, blah.

-Blah, blah, blah.

PTERODACTYL SCREECHES

SHARK CRUNCHES

BOY SCREAMS

DRAGON ROARS

ZOMBIE GROANS

BOING

DOG MUNCHES

FAST PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

This is incredible. It should be there but it's not.

Ah, ooh.

I'm sorry, Dr Smashson, your brain appears to be missing.

Ah, ooh, ha.

Don't worry, Dr Smashson, you've coped without it this far,

and besides, that's not why we're here.

I, Stirling Holmes, am here to solve the greatest mystery of all time -

The Strange Case of the Missing Homework.

DUN DUN DUN

Good title. And we're going to solve the case in this house.

-Ha-ha-ha, hoo-hoo-hoo.

-OK, Dr Smashson, let's go.

Heh, hoo-hoo-ha-ha-hoo.

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hoo.

You, sir!

I am Stirling Holmes, the greatest detective of all time,

and pieces of the CBBC show The Dog Ate My Homework,

presented by the greatest TV presenter of all time,

have gone missing and I'm not leaving here

until you tell me where the missing pieces are.

What's that? The silent type, eh?

Well, I'm going to look on your personage for clues

and there's nothing you can do about it, because you've not got any arms.

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Woohoo, hoo-hoo, ha-ha-ha.

Dr Smashson, we must stick to the point

if we're to find these missing clues.

Ha, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, hee.

You're right, this is tougher than I expected. There are no clues here.

-Hmm? Hoo.

-We need to go further on inside.

HE GRUMBLES

Hoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's the point of the show where I get to use a pointy stick -

-it's Stick To The Point.

-ANNOUNCER: Stick To The Point.

So listen up, teams, this round moves fast.

I'm going to ask a question. They've got lots of answers

and I want quickfire answers. When I point to you, you have to

give them as quickly as you can, no repeating yourself.

The first topic is "things in the sky".

-Romesh.

-Clouds.

-Ooh-hoo! Ashleigh.

-Planes.

-James.

-Birds.

-Gabriel.

-Tree leaves.

-Louisa.

-Eggs.

-Eggs.

-Eggs.

-Eggs.

-Eggs.

-I support...

A bird flying and then, oopsie, forgot, then drops one.

-Like a...

-Eggs.

-"Oh, I see somebody I don't like.

"There, have an egg in your face, mate. How do you like that?"

-Chris.

-Superman.

-Very good answer. Gold star for a comic book reference.

-Yes.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-James Acaster.

-Hang-glider.

Whoa, it's left of field.

I'm going to give you a gold star,

cos I picture the hang-glider dressed as Superman.

Correct. COOING AND LAUGHTER

-Louisa.

-Rain.

Rain, yes, for a very short time and then on your head.

-Chris.

-UFOs.

Yes. Romesh.

A lost kite was flying about, bumped into a bird,

-bird got so scared, dropped an egg.

-LAUGHTER

Gabriel.

-BUZZER

-Oh, shush position, young man.

-Louisa.

-Flies.

-Flies. Ashleigh.

-Pluto.

-James.

-Pie.

-Like the popular phrase...

-"..A sky of pie."

-Chris.

-My gran skydiving. LAUGHTER

-Romesh.

-Chris' gran's parachute.

LAUGHTER

-Ashleigh.

-Mars.

-Louisa.

-Hmm.

BUZZER

LAUGHTER

Louisa just went... "Nah."

-Ashleigh.

-Moon.

-Ashleigh.

-Ah, something...

The other planets in the sky.

-BUZZER

-Oh, get in the shush position.

-Romesh.

-Bats.

Don't know why you were so aggressive with it

-but I'll accept your answer.

-Thank you.

-Chris.

-Romesh being fired out of a cannon, flying through the sky.

That happened ONCE, all right?

-Chris.

-Oh...

Romesh being fired out of a cannon, flying through the sky...

laying an egg. LAUGHTER

-Get in the shush position.

-BUZZER

The points go to Louisa's team for that one.

CHEERING

Dr Smashson, look at all these books.

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

And all the history locked inside their pages.

I believe history should be brought back to life

but we need someone who is an incredible actor.

Hoo, ha-ha-ha.

With enough of an ability that a few subtle nuances in performance,

-a simple prop...

-Oh-ho!

..can transform into a character from history.

Hmm, hmm, hoo-hoo-hoo.

Dr Smashson, do you know anyone that fits that description?

Oh, ugh, ooh, hoo-hoo.

Of course you don't.

-Anyway, let's talk about the missing homework.

-Hoo?

This has got all the hallmarks of evil dog genius Professor Dogiarty.

Ooh-hoo? Ooh.

We must find him.

Ooh-hoo. Hoo?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But now it's time for a round that's so good,

it's already gone down in history.

It's time for everyone's favourite part of the show -

it's Who Do You Think I Am?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CONTESTANTS GROAN

OK, yes, prepare to be astounded

as I use my incredible acting talent

to bring to life famous characters from the past.

And it's your laughably easy task

to guess which historical figure I've become. Here we go!

CHEERING

OK, here we go, ahem. Get into character.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-I am an Italian man.

I'm from Italy.

-Are you?

-Yes.

-Yeah!

-You sound like you're from Estonia.

-No,

I sailed across the seas with Santa

-and all my mates are called Maria.

-BELLS JINGLE

No, wait, sorry.

Sorry, I sailed across the sea in a ship called the Santa Maria.

-Right.

-Oh, right, I get it now.

-Right.

-Any ideas, guys?

Who am I? Who am I?

-I'm Italian. Italian.

-Is it Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumbledore's cousin?

-Well, it could be.

-So, you're a woman with a very big beard.

-I'm a man!

-Are you a bearded lady, or is that...?

-I'm an Italian man.

-That could be...OK.

Here we go. Get back into character, cos otherwise I'll look stupid.

Men peoples think I set out to prove the Earth wasn't flat.

-Right, that-that...nothing there made any sense whatsoever.

-No, no.

You're going to have to repeat that.

-Yeah.

-Is it because of the beard

-or just because you're not a very good actor?

-I got nothing there.

Many peoples think I set out

to prove the world isn't flat.

But I didn't.

I thought the Earth was shaped like a pear

and I was put in charge of many ships.

-Is that a ship? I'm in charge of it.

-LAUGHTER

Are you Captain Birdseye?

-I've got a drumstick. No, I'm not him.

-Ha-ha-ha!

I'll give you my final clue. So I'm an Italian man.

-That's quite nice.

-I'm holding a pear, but why?

Some people say I discovered something

when I was looking for something else. Some say I discovered America.

-I did not discover America.

-No, you discovered a pear.

-I have no idea where I'm from right now, OK...

-OK.

It was not my fault that it was somewhere else.

It's very confusing when you're going round and round the world

-and it all goes a bit pear-shaped.

-Got it.

But my question to you is "Who am I?"

Is it Christopher Columbus?

Let's find out. I can tell you all right now, that I am...

Boo, I'm Christopher Columbus!

-Yes!

-Yay!

-CHEERING

Yeah!

Italian explorer and master of navigation,

who opened the way for European exploration.

But sadly he didn't discover America as the Vikings got there first -

five centuries earlier.

-Oh, wow.

-Did you know that? Madness.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Clue number one.

-OK.

-OK, here we go.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Ah, hee-hee.

I'm one of the most beautiful ladies there's ever been in history.

And I've been played by some of the world's most beautiful actors.

Even now, I'm being personified by the hunk thespian, Iain Stirling.

-LAUGHTER

-He's such a good actor.

-Hmm.

Who am I?

ALL THREE: Wow.

It...do you know? It's a very similar accent

to the English man that you played.

-Oh, no, this is a beautiful lady accent.

-Oh, because of the hair?

-Yes.

-Because that's what all women do when they're being a woman.

-Yeah, they do this.

-They do that...?

-They walk into home, they go "Hello!"

-Could you do...Iain?

-I'm a lady!

-Iain, could you do me a favour, just so I...?

Cos I'm just not quite getting it.

Could you just walk around a bit as a woman,

-so I can see how she moves as a woman?

-Thanks for asking, Susan.

It's OK. Just give me a...

Oh, hello! I'm a lady!

-Right.

-A marching lady.

-Right, I'm going to give you clue two.

-Right.

-Clue two.

-Two.

I'm dead good at make-up but I need someone to practise on.

-Come over here.

-Hoo-hoo.

-Oh, hello, slave.

-KNOCK ON COCONUT

-How are you? Nice to meet you.

-HE GRUMBLES

-Don't breathe on me, OK...

What I like best is to use crushed beetles,

and I used to put them on like lipstick.

Bit of crushed beetles there, there you go.

-Crushed beetles on the lips, like that.

-Are you Madonna?

-I am not Madonna.

-Are Lady Gaga?

-No, I'm not Lady...

-Are you Rita Ora?

-Stop mentioning ladies.

-No, I've got it, I've got it.

Can you do me a favour, though? Can you try and moonwalk?

-Moonwalk...

-That's definitely MJ. If that's not Michael Jackson,

-then I don't know how to play this game.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Michael Jackson? I'm a lady!

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Apart from that small, small detail.

-You are Michael Jackson.

-I am not Michael Jackson!

I was the first peoples to do this, and hopefully the last.

-IN OWN VOICE:

-Stop! I mean, stop finding it funny.

Do you think this is funny, do you? Yeah?

-LAUGHTER

-This isn't funny!

What's funny about this? Stop laughing.

This isn't funny.

Iain, are you Davina McCall?

You do look quite like Davina McCall.

Last clue of this section. Here we go...

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-It's rumoured that I may have been bathed in milk.

Oh, milk.

-Milky, milk, milk.

-Yeah, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-AS IAIN:

-I am so sorry.

-AS WOMAN:

-Milky, milk, milk.

Who am I?

-OK, hold on, right. Do you think you know who it is, Pavan?

-Yeah.

-Do you? Are you confident?

-Yeah, yes. Cleopatra.

Oh, I can tell you now that I am in fact...

-Cleopatra!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you Smashy, off you go, mate. Thank you!

Yes, I was Cleopatra, the last ever Queen of Egypt.

MUSIC: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

# Ha, hoo ha Hoo-hoo-hoo ha hoo ha. #

Dr Smashson, the violin helps me concentrate.

Ha-ha, hoo-hoo-ha.

HE PLAYS VIOLIN

HE PLAYS VIOLIN

# Hoo, hoo-hoo Ha-ha-ha hoo-hoo-hoo... #

-How am I meant to sort this case with all these distractions?

-Hmm...

-If it's not you, then it's your partner, Mrs Mashson.

-Hmm? Ooh?

Honestly...although I do suppose two heads are better than one.

Mm-hmm, ha-ha-ha.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

# Ha, ha-ha Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Ha, hoo-ha Hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Ha-a-a-oo-ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER: It's time for Smashy-oke.

-# La-la-la-la-la-la-la. #

-Oh...

Guys, what an exciting treat we have in store for you.

Mr Smash is doing some Smashy-oke.

You can get a bonus gold star here

if you can guess what it is Mr Smash is singing.

-You're a very talented singer, aren't you, Mr Smash?

-Ha-ra!

OK, Smashy, take it away.

# Ha-ya La-la-la-la-la-la

# Ha, la-ha

# Ha-ha, la-la-la-la-la-la

# Ha, ha, ah-ha-ha

-# Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, hoo... #

-LAUGHTER

# Hoo-ha, hoo-ha

# Hoo-ha, hoo Hiya-ha

# Ha

-HE YODELS LIKE TARZAN

-OK, OK, OK.

HE HOWLS

We-we-we got the idea. Thank you. Give it up for Mr Smash, everybody.

-What a lovely little rendition.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Luckily, that is not available for download.

But, Callum's team, quickly,

what do you think Mr Smashy was singing there?

-It-it was actually a song?

-It was a song, yeah.

-A song, OK.

-Was it his own song?

-No, it was a very popular, popular pop hit.

I was just so dazzled by the dance move

-that I wasn't really listening.

-Do you want to see the drop again?

-Yes, do it.

-Do the drop one more time, please.

-Do it, go.

-Go on, do it. Work it.

-Whoo!

-HE HOWLS

Very gorgeous. All right, I'll have to push you for an answer.

-What is your answer? What you think it was?

-OK.

-I'm going to say I Will Always Love You.

-I Will Always Love You.

Thank you, Callum. What's your answer? I'm joking.

OK, Grace's team, what are you thinking?

-Hit Me Baby One More Time.

-All right, Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Right, Mr Smash, what were you singing? Take it away.

MUSIC: I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift

# I knew you were trouble when you walked in

-# So shame on me now

-Hoo-ha-ha-hoo

-# Flew me to places I'd never been

-Ha-hoo-hoo, ha-hoo

# Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground

-# Oh... #

-Ooh, ah!

-Ah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Mr Smash. Good day, sir. Good day, sir.

All right, guys. Well done.

Don't worry, always got the homework from Nina's team. So, Nin...

ANNOUNCER: Schoo-oo-ool Disco.

Classical school disco.

MUSIC: Dance Of The Little Swans by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

MUSIC CUTS OUT

Dr Smashson, we are close to solving this case, I can feel it.

I have done some more clues to lead us towards the homework.

I've got a dictionary of unusual words,

a big book of science facts with words blanked out,

and this marker pen.

-I'm sure they will help us solve this case.

-Mm-hm.

Dr Smashson, you found another clue.

Let me just check it.

Hmm, yeah, it's still warm. That means Professor Dogiarty

is still in the building. We must find him.

Toilet flushes

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, it's time to put the fizz into Physics

and the BO into Biology.

-Oh, dear. It's Weird Science.

-AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

Let's see if you can make sense of these amazing scientific facts.

All you have to do is fill in the blanks.

I want answers that are odd as your Physics teacher's socks

or funnier than a Chemistry teacher's jumper.

Here comes the first fact.

One in three people need to blank after they look at the blank blank.

-Mark.

-Need to wee after they look at a waterfall.

-BUZZER

-You must... You must be a nightmare to go on holiday with.

Just your girlfriend going, "Oh, what a lovely waterfall."

-You're like, "Yeah, I need to change my trousers."

-I need to wee...

-Naomi.

-One in three people need to have a little lie down

-and fan themselves after they look at Sam Nixon.

-Oh...eh? Cheeky!

If that had been Iain Stirling, you would have got yourself a gold star.

-Oh...

-Darn it!

-Yes, Nina.

-One in three people need to

calm themselves down after they look at Iain Stirling.

-Well done.

-Gold star to Nina.

Any more? Luke.

One in three people need to cry after they look at their mirror.

HE SOBS

Ah!

-Got it, come on.

-What, what? Dodge, go.

One in three people need to sneeze after they look at the sunshine.

I'm going to give you that. It's one in three people need to sneeze

-after they look at bright light. It's correct.

-Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, it is time for Say Wha-a-a-at?

ANNOUNCER: Say Wha-a-a-at?

Weird and mysterious words will appear on the screens

and the teams have to tell me what they mean.

A serious bit of bling for the best and funniest guesses.

Right, here we go. Our first one.

Here it is here, but what does it mean? Leah.

-I think it means, like, cos it's got "fart" then "kontrol".

-Yeah.

It's when you fart but you keep it, like, on, like, a high pitch.

Instead of going pffffft. It goes pffffff.

So you, sort of, tune yourself.

Whooooo. Like, you can play Let It Go.

Pfft pfft pfft.

-Wait, I know what it is.

-What, what is it?

-Am I allowed to buzz the thing?

-Buzz in, yeah.

-Yeah, you're in the show, of course...

-Can I?

-Stop it!

Is it a type of officer

who comes to control the type of...farts

that people are doing? So, it's like, you would call 999.

They'd say, "Which service do you need?"

And you'd say, "I need Fartkontrol." LAUGHTER

-What, like pest control?

-Yeah, like pest control.

Like, you'd call the council, but it's like fart control.

-HORN HONKS

-Oh, Sam.

-Honk honk.

Mine's on similar lines to Dominique's.

You know how, like, NASA has Mission Control?

Ha-ha-ha-ha, yes!

Well, Fartkontrol is the name of the hub.

All farts that have ever happened have been recorded...

in Fartkontrol.

I'm going to give you the answer.

It is a Danish word

-and it means "speed control" in Danish.

-Oh...

-Ah.

What's that, Sam? How's it pronounced?

-Oh, yeah, how's it pronounced?

-Thanks for asking me.

It's pronounced a little something like this.

IN DEEP VOICE: Fartkontrol.

-Ha-ha.

-Ha-ha.

Three, two, one, go! What are they drawing? What are they drawing?

A sun. A flower, sunflower.

Fish? A fish?

Projectile vomit.

A man? A parrot? A parrot.

-A parrot.

-Parrot, parrot.

-Vomit, vomit parrot.

-So why would the parrot vomit?

-Why vomit?

-Why would it vomit?

-Why would a parrot vomit?

-Sick as a parrot! Sick as a parrot!

-Sick as a parrot, correct!

Take them down, take them down.

-Lloyd's team get a point.

-CHEERING

OK, here we go. Three, two, one...draw!

-What are they drawing?

-OK, erm...

-Oh...oh, oh.

-A shoe...

-What's that, then? What is this?

-Driving around the bend.

-It's misspelled.

-No, it's not round the bend.

-Christmas, something...

-Christmas?

-Is that a stocking...face?

-What is it?

-What is this?

-Sock! It's a sock!

-Where's...?

-Sock, sock...

-Foot in the mouth.

-Sock!

Sock in the mouth.

Like, the red, the colour red.

You have to be quiet. It's got to be quiet.

Put...a sock in it! Put a sock in it.

-Put a sock in it!

-Yes!

Time's up. We've got it right.

Three, two, one...get going!

-Banana!

-Banana?

-Sunflower, erm...

-Tree.

-Tree...

-Tree, is it a tree? Is it a jungle tree?

-Leaf, tree.

Tree, swan, a bird. I know.

I know, I know, I know.

Feather boa, feather...

-Feathery.

-The dove thing? Is it a dove thing?

-Bird. Feather, bird wing.

-No, it's not that.

-Birds of a feather!

-Yes, Inel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Birds of a feather.

-Birds of a feather?

-Ha-ha-ha.

-I've been sick on the page, Johnny.

-LAUGHTER

-Sausages.

-Hmm-hmm-hmm.

-Underpants.

-Hmm.

Volcano.

All of these words are seemingly unconnected

but they're linked in some way.

-Squirrel?

-Hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo.

Hmm, I thought I'd solved this case but Professor Dogiarty

seems one step ahead. Come on, let's investigate further.

-Cabbages?

-Hmm, blurgh.

Take a thing off of a dad. Name!

-Andy.

-What's your word, Andy?

Kebab. LAUGHTER

-What are you having for tea tonight, Andy?

-Kebab.

-I thought as much.

-Sir, what's your name?

-Yossi.

-Yossi, what a great name.

-And what's your word?

-Antidisestablishmentarianism.

That's easy for you to say. OK...

-What's your name?

-Kayla.

-Kayla, what's your word?

-Broccoli.

-Ugh. Do you like broccoli?

-Yeah.

-No way...how?

-Cos I do.

Give me one reason for liking broccoli.

-Because it tastes nice.

-It tastes like evil trees.

Coming over. I'm...

-Don't look at my bum!

-LAUGHTER

-What's your name?

-Erin.

-And what's your word, Erin?

-Poppycock.

Poppycock.

-That's a very posh word. Is this your mother?

-Yeah.

-What's your name, Mother?

-Claire.

-What is your word, Claire?

-Scrumptious.

-Oh, poppycock, scrumptious.

We're all going to go down the meadow, come on!

-What's your name, buddy?

-Marcellus.

Marcellus? I did not see that coming.

Good name. What's your word?

-Erm, swagilicious.

-Swagilicious?

We could be like a boy band, couldn't we?

You guys need to cheer up,

we're not going to have a number one looking all miserable and all that.

Oh, aye, it's the old man and the three miserable lads.

Look, come stand here.

Look, go up a bit higher, will you?

-Look, it's me, 50 years ago.

-LAUGHTER

-Trendy Dad, what's your name?

-Patrick.

You look like Wolverine's dad.

-Are you going to stare at me?

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-I'll not be the first one to blink, young man.

-Daargh! Nightmare!

-APPLAUSE

Dr Smashson, now we have all this evidence

we will surely capture Professor Dogiarty.

We just need to make sure none of it is destroyed.

-Achoo!

-GNOME SMASHES

Come with me.

OK, guys. I am going to give you a maths problem.

You act it out using your props to try and get the correct answer.

Here we go. Ahem.

Jermain has a feather boa,

-as he's going to a party.

-There you go, got one.

Sarah has twice as many feather boas as Jermain,

as she's going to a feather boa festival.

Katherine has two more feather boas

than Jermain and Sarah put together.

She didn't get invited to the festival but wants to show

she doesn't need other people to have fun with some feather boas.

Percelle needs to take a massive pencil into school

so that he can doodle cats whilst the teacher is talking.

Mizzi needs twice as many pencils, as she likes to doodle

even bigger cats than Percelle.

Susan needs to take one more pencil than Mizzi -

two for doodling and one to use as a stake,

in case of a vampire attack.

Susan does not like vampires.

Michael has two gnomes,

which will hopefully scare off his neighbour's dog.

Nihal has no gnomes because he thinks they look weird.

Bobby has three gnomes more then Michael

because he thinks Nihal looks weird and wants to scare him off.

JP notices it might rain so takes an umbrella.

Dan is also worried about the rain,

so takes three times as many umbrellas as JP.

But because he's a nice guy,

-he shares those umbrellas between his team-mates.

-Here you are.

Percelle has History,

so takes a pair of glasses so that he can see the board.

Mizzi sits twice as far away from Percelle,

so needs twice as many pairs of glasses.

Susan takes four times as many glasses as Percelle.

She wears one pair to look cool,

keeps one pair to use as a disguise in case of a vampire attack,

and gives the other pairs to her team-mates, to keep them safe too.

She picks up the thing that fell off of her head.

Michael has two giant foam hands, one for each hand.

Bobby has twice as many foam hands as Michael -

one on each hand and one on each foot.

Nihal has half as many foam hands as Michael, times two,

plus an extra two, plus an extra three,

minus one, and then halved.

-You know...

-On you go, Nihal.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ah!

-Grr.

-Professor Dogiarty... and the missing homework.

We've caught you red-handed, or should I say, red-PAWED.

Hand it over, come on. Give it here.

-Dr Smashson, please look after that.

-Mm-hm.

-I think we can consider...

-Grr.

..The Strange Case of the Missing Homework solved.

And you, sir, are going to the doghouse.

-SMASHSON MUNCHES

-What do you mean, no, you're not?

The evidence is in the safe hands of Dr Smashson.

DOGIARTY GIGGLES

the evidence is in the safe mouth of Dr Smashson.

HE GULPS AND BELCHES

The evidence is in the stomach of Dr Smashson.

Now, this is awkward, now, cos we're going to end it on...

Just have to end the show.

-See you all next time on...

-..Hoo-ha-ha-hoo-hoo.

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

-Hoo-hoo.

See you! (You're an idiot.)