Wallace and Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death


Wallace and Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death

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# If I knew you were comin'

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# I'd have baked a cake Baked a cake... #

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BAKER HUMS

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Huh?

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Oh! It's you.

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Eh?!

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No...!

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THUMP!

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GROMIT GULPS

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ALARM BELLS RING

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BEEP!

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KLAXON WAILS

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Mmm... Lovely cheese!

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RATTLE!

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I could just wash it down with a nice...

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Oh! Ooh...!

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I was just coming, lad!

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Up, away, Gromit!

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With you in a jiffy!

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Tally-ho!

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Oh, no!

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Thanks, lad!

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Whoa! Oh!

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Fill 'er up, lad!

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Ah. Lovely cuppa, Gromit!

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But...a slightly diesel-y aftertaste, perhaps?

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How's that breakfast coming on?

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Well done, lad.

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Very well done!

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Thanks, chuck!

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Whoa! Oh, dear. Another baker, battered with his own rolling pin.

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Would you credit it?

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Still, looking on the bright side, I suppose it means

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more business for us, eh, Gromit?

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We're on a roll, lad!

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Good day's work, lad! We're bang on...

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..target.

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# I'm light as a feather I'm the Bake-O-Lite girl... #

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-BELL RINGS

-Coo-ey!

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Gromit! Did you see who that was?

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-SHE CRIES OUT

-She's in trouble!

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Ooh, help! Argh!

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Here, Gromit. Take the wheel.

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Help! Help!

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Don't fret, Madam!

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Teacakes, lad. The wholemeal fruit, on me knees!

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Whoa...!

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I should have tried the granary rolls...

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Oh, 'eck!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Oh... Oh, dear! Are you all right, Miss... Madam?

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Oh, I do apologise!

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Oh! It's an honour to be of help.

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I must get those brakes seen to.

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We're so grateful, aren't we, Fluffles?

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-Fluffles!

-Oh, it was nothing!

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Oh... What a lovely little doggy!

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My name's Piella. Piella Bakewell.

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Oh! I know who you are, miss!

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# Light as a feather You're the Bake-O-Lite girl! #

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Oh! That's me!

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I'm Wallace. I'm in bread myself.

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Oh, really?

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Are you still ballooning, Miss...?

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I do beg your pardon?!

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Oh, no, no! I mean the Bake-O-Lite balloon.

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-Do you still fly it?

-Oh!

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Oh, I see. No. Not any more.

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Well, back to the grind, as it were.

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-Goodbye, Miss Bakewell.

-Oh, I'd rather say "au revoir".

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Oh... Oui, oui, Madame!

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And bon appetit!

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-Bye-ee!

-CYCLE BELL RINGS

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Oh...

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The Bake-O-Lite girl!

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Fancy that, Gromit!

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It's not every day you meet the girl of your dreams, is it?

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Oh, well. This isn't going to put bread on the table, is it?!

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh...

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Oh! Hello.

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We were just passing by, going for a walk,

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and Fluffles insisted on dropping in,

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hoping you would join us. Please say yes, she'll be so disappointed,

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wouldn't you, Fluffy?

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Wouldn't you, Fluffy?

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FLUFFY WHIMPERS

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Oh! Well, if you insist, but I'm in me work things.

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I like a man in uniform. Come on!

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-Walkies!

-Manage without me, won't you, lad?

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GROMIT SIGHS

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THEY LAUGH TOGETHER

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Oh, crumbs!

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OVEN PINGS

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DOORBELL RINGS

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PIELLA GIGGLES

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-Oh, Mr Wallace, you are cheeky!

-Ooh, am I?

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MUSIC: "O Solo Mio"

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SPANISH-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

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MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers

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PIELLA GIGGLES AND LAUGHS

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MUSIC PLAYS AND PIELLA GIGGLES

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ALARM CLOCK RINGS

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Oh, makes a change, doesn't it, my fudge cake?

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Gromit's gonna love this!

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Well, I thought you could do with a woman's touch around the house,

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you naughty, slovenly boys!

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What do you think, Gromit?!

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You wouldn't know it was our place, would you, lad?

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-DISTANT:

-Care for another sausage, you greedy thing?

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Don't mind if I do.

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-PIELLA LAUGHS

-My, what an appetite!

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FLUFFLES GIGGLES

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Fluffles! Where are you?

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FLUFFLES WHIMPERS

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Same time tomorrow, my apple strudel!

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THUNDER CRACKS IN DISTANCE

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Oh, love is a many-splendoured thing, Gromit,

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but it doesn't half tire you out!

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I'm cream-crackered!

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Oh, 'eck!

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Piella's purse! I must return it forthwith.

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Oh... Erm, Gromit...?

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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DOOR CREAKS

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TELEVISION ON, INAUDIBLE

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DOOR SLAMS

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LIGHTNING CRACKS, THUNDER RUMBLES

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STAIR SQUEAKS

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MANNEQUINS CLUNK

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DOOR OPENS

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Funny... I'm sure I heard something.

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FLUFFLES SNIFFS

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Oh! There it is.

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It must have been there all along.

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Early night, Fluffles.

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Big day tomorrow.

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Our final baker is nicely buttered up!

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Good night, Fluffles.

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Sweet dreams!

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FLUFFLES WHIMPERS

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PIELLA SNORES

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CAR SCREECHES TO HALT

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CAR DOOR OPENS, SLAMS

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Oh! Hello, stranger! Where have YOU been?

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Hey! Wait! Hold your horses!

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I've got something to tell YOU first, old pal.

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Haven't we, dearest?

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Of course, my little cheesecake!

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Wallace and I...are engaged...

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to be married.

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Till death do us part!

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I think congratulations might be in order, lad.

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Oh, I can see he's dying to give me a great big kiss!

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Mmmmmmm-wah!

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I know we're going to get on like a house on fire.

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One big happy family!

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SAWING

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DRILLING

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HAMMERING

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BELL TOLLS

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hello, my vanilla slice!

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Ha-ha! Come in, my sponge cake!

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Oh!

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-What's going on?!

-You'll have to forgive him, my petal.

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-Ooh!

-He's been a bit security-conscious of late.

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Well, you can't be too careful these days, can you?

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-What, with a serial killer on the loose!

-Oh, yes!

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Now...how about a nice pot of cock-a-leekie soup?

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Ho-ho, smashing! I've got just the bread to go with it.

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Eh?

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What the...?

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That dog!

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< Smells delicious!

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< Oh, I do hope you like it, my shortcrust.

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< It's my own special recipe.

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What the...?! Hey!

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What are you playing at, lad?! This is getting ridiculous.

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Oh, Wallace, he just wants a bit of attention, that's all.

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Now, my little poochie-woochie,

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let Auntie Piella sort you out.

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Gr-r-r-r! Ow! Ow! He bit me!

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-Eh?!

-I was just trying to help, and he bit me, Wallace!

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-Gromit!

-Oh!

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How dare you bite my betrothed!

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That's very impolite.

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Oh, don't be TOO hard on him, Wallace, please.

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Just a little punishment, that's all.

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I'm surprised at you, Gromit, I really am.

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Oh, Wallace, my sugar dumpling, have you got a mo? >

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Oh! On my way, my cupcake!

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You'll not leave this kitchen till you've done every last one.

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I don't know! Taking a bite out of my beloved fiancee!

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It really is the limit!

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I'm such a silly sausage.

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It just sort of fell off my foot.

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Stay well back, my precious. Leave it to me.

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Oh, you're so brave, Wallace...

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my minced pie.

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Huh?

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Got it! Huh?

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Oh!

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PIELLA COUGHS

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Are you all right, my flower?

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Oh - "flower"! Get it? Flour?

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Get your hands off me!

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I hate flour...

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I hate bread...

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and I hate bakers,

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-you utter and complete fruitcake!

-Oh!

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That's a bit steep, isn't it, my sweet?

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Fluffles, I want a word with you...

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back 'ome.

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DOOR SLAMS

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Oh, thanks, old pal.

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I just don't get it.

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One minute they love bakers

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and the next minute, they hate them.

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And I'm not a fruitcake, am I, lad?

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I suppose you can't be everybody's cup of tea, can you?

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CLINK!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh...!

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I'm so sorry, Wallace, so, so, sorry.

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I don't know what came over me.

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-Apart from the flour, of course!

-SHE LAUGHS

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Oh. Ha-ha! Yes.

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Let's forget about it. Here's a cake to celebrate.

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-ALARM SOUNDS

-Oops! Must be my keys.

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-Celebrate?

-Us - getting back together again, you gooseberry fool.

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Oh, y... Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Of course.

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We could have that with our four o'clock tea. Won't you join us?

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Oh, I would, but Fluffles isn't feeling too well.

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Why don't you two celebrate?

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Must fly!

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-FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-Ooh, roll on four o'clock, eh?

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This'll go down a treat!

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FAINT WHIMPERING

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WHIMPERING

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MONKEY WHIRS AND CRASHES

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Got you, you meddling mutt!

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So nice of you to come.

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Pity you'll miss your master's tea party.

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It'll go off with a bang!

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Ooh, I say!

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Get the kettle on, Gromit.

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PIELLA CACKLES, FLUFFLES WHIMPERS

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I'll deal with you two later.

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PIELLA CACKLES

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Come on, lad!

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Hah! What's keeping you?

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-CLOCK CHIMES

-At last...

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my 13th...

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my baker's dozen!

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RUMBLING >

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Huh?

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What?!

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Curse that balloon!

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And curse that prevailing south-westerly -

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they'll be there in no time!

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CLOCK STRIKES THE HOUR

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Doh!

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Strike a light!

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CLOCK STRIKES A SECOND TIME

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CLOCK STRIKES A THIRD TIME

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Ah-ha!

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-CLOCK STRIKES A FOURTH TIME

-Oh, there you are!

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I think these matches are a bit...

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damp.

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Oh, yes, it's one of those joke candles, lad!

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Oi! Where are you going with that...

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DISTORTED: ..ca-a-a-a-ake?

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Gromit! It's a bomb!

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The cake's a bomb!

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Wait a minute. You...don't think...Piella could be...?

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The serial killer?

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Well done, Wallace. Sharp as a brick!

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Now, do exactly as I say or Fluffles gets snuffled.

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Ow!

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FLUFFLES YELPS

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You've crossed me once too often, you treacherous little...!

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Get that thing away, lad!

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QUACK! QUACK!

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MEOW! MEOW!

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That's it, lad - use your loaf!

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Oops!

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Oh...!

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That HAS put a spanner in the works.

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But, Piella, you're the Bake-O-Lite girl!

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WAS the Bake-O-Lite girl. I ate too much, you see.

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Oh, really?

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I couldn't ride the balloon any more.

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-Oh, dear!

-So they dropped me.

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What a blow. ..Ooh!

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Me! A curse on bakers and their loathsome confections!

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Gromi-i-it!

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Uh?

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Wha...?

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Oh! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!

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-MECHANICAL WHIRRING

-Huh?

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Well done, lad! Uh?

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Lass?

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Come to Mummy, Fluffy-Wuffy!

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Ooh!

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-Ooh!

-Attagirl! Go for the knockout.

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Ow!

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Don't worry about me, lad -

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I'm fully in control.

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A-a-argh!

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Yes!

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No!

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-Ah!

-Oh, dear!

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SHE GROANS WITH EFFORT

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Oh... >

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< Oh. Ha-ha...

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Anyone seen the bomb?

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What? ..What?

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SHE YELPS

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Bon voyage, Wallace!

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Your buns are as good as toasted!

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Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh...!

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Gromit, I've got a bomb in me pants!

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Help me, Gromit! Do something!

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Oh!

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Ooh! Aah!

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Oh! Ooh! It tickles!

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Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

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A-a-argh!

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BOOM!

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Oh, what a relief!

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Oh, evening, Sisters!

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THEY GASP

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I will be back to get you, Wallace! I will have my baker's dozen!

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But, Piella, the balloon won't hold you.

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They can't just drop ME!

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I'm as light as a feather!

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I'm the Bake-O-Lite gi-i-i-rl!

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No!

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SPLASH!

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SNAPPING, RIPPING

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LOUD BURP

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Farewell, my angel cake.

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You'll always be my Bake-O-Lite girl.

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Ha! I think I need a cup of tea after all that.

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Care to join me, you two?

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Aw! Never mind, lad.

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We've both been through the mill this week, haven't we?

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But at least yours

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wasn't a bread-hating, baker-murdering serial killer, eh?

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Like mine!

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Tell you what, lad, let's go and deliver some bread, eh?

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That'll cheer us up!

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-A-a-argh!

-TYRES SCREECH

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Hey, hey! Aw!

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Always room for a small one!

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# And they called it puppy love... #

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Whoa! Both paws on the wheel, lad! Concentrate!

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