We're Doomed! The Dad's Army Story


We're Doomed! The Dad's Army Story

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Transcript


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WARPLANE ENGINES ROAR

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# I'm on my own

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# Nowhere to roam

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# I tell you, man

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# Don't need a home

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# I wander round

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# Feet off the ground

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# I even go from town to town

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# I say I'll be your man

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# You know I'll be your man

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# Don't bring me down

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# Don't bring me down

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# I met this chick

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# The other day

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# And then to her

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# I said I'll stay

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# She had this pad

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# Just like a cave... #

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Jimmy Perry?

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C'est moi!

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# I say my feet are off the ground

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# Say I'll be your man

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# Don't bring me down

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# Don't bring me down... #

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INTERCOM BUZZES

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Mr Croft, Tom will see you now.

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Thank you. Thank you very much.

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And, no, I said to my father, I didn't need exams,

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I was going to be a great actor or a famous comedian,

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and... HE LAUGHS

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..he looked at me... He looked at me, like so, and said, "You stupid boy."

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He did, just like, "Stupid boy."

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So... Anyway. Um...

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Do you know what I did when I first got this job?

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I lost Tony Hancock.

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Impossible demands. Nobody could've kept him.

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It wasn't my fault. I got the blame.

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And it's not my fault we're losing Benny bloody Hill.

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"And then he pretends to be a hunchback..."

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No, pas de probleme.

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Let's... So, shall we give it a spinola?

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Um...

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IRISH ACCENT: "So I'm not going up there!

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"What do you tink I am, a squirrel?"

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Um... Came out a bit dark, didn't it? Comedy laugh, come on.

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WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "I'm not going up there.

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"What the flaming 'eck do you think I am,

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"bloody hellfire, woman, a squirrel?"

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I mean, that's too much.

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WELSH ACCENT: "What do you think I am, a squirrel?"

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I can hear him now see... HE CHATTERS LIKE A SQUIRREL

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GEORDIE ACCENT: "I'm not going up there, man.

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"What do you think... What do you think...?"

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HIGH-PITCHED: "Neither my wife nor I..."

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Benny was impossible. He didn't even want a producer.

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Sometimes you need to bow to the talent.

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Are you questioning the quality of my work?

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This is the BBC. It's a very competitive environment.

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SLOWLY: "I'm not a man! I'm not a beast!

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"I'm like the man in the moon!"

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"I'm so ugg-er-ly."

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You've seen the Steptoe recordings. You know how high the bar's set.

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With respect, Tom, I've not chosen my projects.

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Innovators! That's what we need.

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You don't want to play it too safe.

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Well, I'm sure my work will be more...distinctive

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when I have control of the scripts. I'm confident of that.

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Good.

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You need to kick on, or...

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Trevor Eve?

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LAUGHING FROM THE ROOM

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DOOR SLAMS

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# Don't bring me down

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# But until then I'll stay as I am

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# Say I'll be your man

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# Don't bring me down

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# Don't bring me down. #

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Every scene on a sofa, they're dull characters,

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mishaps that wouldn't happen... It's utter tosh!

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Oh, not again. Do stop.

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And they think I'm repping!

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# La-la-la-la-la! Laa-laa-laa-laa-laa-laa...#

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You never get TV jobs. Don't do it to yourself.

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Stop auditioning.

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Stop?! I can't do that. I'm an actor.

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-What else would I do?

-I've told you.

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No, I'm not going into antiques, relying on family at my age.

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No. Writing. You'd be good. You're funny, strict with yourself.

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I'd write myself a part better than that.

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Well, exactly.

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Oh, please, let's not go broke.

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Write. Write anything.

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TAPS PIPE

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I need an idea.

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I make myself indispensable. That's the plan.

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Well, you do that by doing your own show. That's the plan.

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All I need is a first-rate idea.

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# No milk today

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# My love has gone away

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# The bottle stands forlorn

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# A symbol of the dawn

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# No milk today

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# It seems a common sight

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# But people passing by

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# Don't know the reason why

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# How could they know

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# Just what this message means?

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# The end of my hopes

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# The end of all my dreams... #

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MUSIC: Fugue In D Minor by The Swingle Singers

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HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

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A juicy part, not the crumpet,

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but cut your hair and wear a short skirt just in case.

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Four o'clock. Bye, darling.

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I've written a comedy.

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-Reg Varney's brother in Beggar My Neighbour?

-A regular?

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A scene. You don't have to audition and the money's not bad.

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I'll do it.

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I don't know what to do with this now I've finished.

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I'll read it. If it's any good, I'll give it to Michael Mills.

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Mm!

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Who's he?

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He's Head of Comedy at the BBC.

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Written myself a nice little spiv part. My ticket.

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Sorry, a spiv? What's it about?

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The war. Well, the Home Guard. I was in it before I was called up.

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David's producing Beggar My Neighbour. Give him a copy.

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Oh, can't you?

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I could. Better from you.

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Hattie! Hello. Jimmy, cough and a spit, playing Harry's brother.

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Morning, everyone.

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Major Croft. Feel the hush.

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Ah, Jimmy, delighted you could join us.

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So am I. Thank you, Mr Croft.

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David.

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Bit grim. Does he turn nasty?

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Not that I've seen. Doesn't say much, but he's usually spot-on.

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Right, this episode of Beggar My Neighbour is called

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My Fair Harry Butt.

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David...

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I've got a script.

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All actors have a script.

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Not like this one, they don't.

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-"The Fighting Tigers."

-Yes.

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Ann? It's Jimmy. Hello! Um, look, I gave it to David.

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Do you think he'll read it tonight?

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Hang on.

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Will you read Jimmy's script tonight?

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He says, "Yes, definitely."

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HE SIGHS

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He wouldn't dodge you if he hated it. He's not like that.

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He could've dropped a hint.

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Oh. Got it wrong. He is dodging you. Cheerio!

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Bye.

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Oh, bugger this.

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Jimmy?

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I've been trying to get you on your own all day.

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I read your script.

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It's a terrific idea. Terrific.

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Do you think so? Thank you, thank you.

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-Really? What do you like? I knew...

-Leave it with me.

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I'll speak to Michael Mills and be in touch.

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Now, look here, I don't think you should do this.

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Bad time, politically. Tom Sloan...

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Oh, Tom wants me to do more. He wants me to be more innovative.

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Not only Tom.

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New BBC One Controller, Paul Fox, he's an ex-paratrooper,

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-takes the War pretty damn seriously, you know?

-So do I.

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Not like Foxy. Doesn't even like chaps driving German cars.

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THEY LAUGH

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War's old hat anyway. Look out the window. It's different times.

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I think just enough time's passed for this to really land.

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It'll be a battle to get this through. Battles mean casualties.

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I'll take the flak, Michael. I want to do this.

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You're absolutely sure?

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We've discussed my ambitions. This is what I've been waiting for.

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Good man! Back you to the hilt.

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Can't save you if you foul up, though. Understood?

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Promising stuff. Not there yet. Some suggestions...

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MUSIC: Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison

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-Come on!

-CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY

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Ah, Jimmy.

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All right, everyone, all aboard.

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Not all mine. Not quite.

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I thought we could talk while I drop them off at...

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Well, all over, really.

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Climb in.

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If anyone's going to be sick, what's the code?

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-I know! I know!

-THEY KNOCK ON THE GLASS

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Ann's car. Want to know why she got it?

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Her idea to spray it white, too.

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We hire it out for weddings.

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Pays for itself.

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-Very clever lady, my agent.

-Good news.

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Michael Mills likes it. The BBC will pay for a script.

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Not the one you've written, a new one.

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And Michael wants some changes.

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He doesn't like the title. He wants to call it Dad's Army.

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There's more. Michael wants you to have a co-writer.

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Who?

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He suggested me.

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JIMMY LAUGHS

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I didn't know you were a writer, as well.

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CHILDREN LAUGH

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So, what do you think?

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-In theory, yes.

-Good!

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Well, there's something else... I...

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-Oh, God, it's like asking someone out.

-Steady on.

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I wrote it to give myself a part.

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I want to play Walker.

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Michael approves all casting.

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-I need a guarantee.

-Jimmy, I don't want to start our partnership

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telling you I can do something that I can't.

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We could make something brilliant.

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You'll at least consider me for the role?

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Yes, I can do that.

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He was in my Home Guard platoon,

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and he used to say, "They do not like the cold steel."

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"They do not like it up 'em.'

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-HE LAUGHS

-Who would like it?

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-JIMMY CHUCKLES

-I don't think this bit's funny.

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Well, I do.

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You'll see me do it sometime. I'm being "considered", remember?

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Oh, there's really no need, Jimmy.

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You read Mainwaring.

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-Well, yes...

-I don't like...

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That's very funny.

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COCKNEY ACCENT: Well, I'm a wholesale supplier, aren't I?

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HE LAUGHS

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I supply essential supplies.

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Any previous military experience?

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I got a girlfriend in the ATS.

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I'll keep doing it until you cast me. HE LAUGHS

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Well, shall we send it in?

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I suppose so.

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Will they like it?

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HE CHUCKLES

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SILENCE

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Now, look here, Tom Sloan's lukewarm and Paul Fox is very uneasy.

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What don't they like?

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-Foxy thinks you're taking the piss.

-Not even nearly.

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Newswallah, needs a few comedy lessons off me.

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-He also asked, "Why now?"

-So that's it? We're done.

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No. I'm Head of Comedy and I want a series!

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Write me another five!

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-What, you can do that?

-Yes.

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-But they might not show it.

-They will if it's very, very good.

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Exactly! Make it good enough for Foxy. No-one likes wasting money.

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How long do we have to write it?

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Slightly less time than you need.

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Hodges reminds me of a man I worked with at Butlin's,

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a real lout.

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I worked at Butlin's.

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No, hi-de-hi.

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Ho-de-ho!

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Fabulous Joe Walker line!

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# Hey, little hen

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# When, when, when will you lay me an egg for my tea? #

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I wonder if he's a bit Richmond Nicks in this episode.

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What if I...

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-..move the comma here?

-Keep that, lose that.

-Yes, terrible idea.

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Who wrote that?

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TOGETHER: # When, when, when

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# Will you try to supply one for me-e-e-e? #

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Do you think we should try and get them in uniform?

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No, running gag. Uniforms don't arrive.

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Read that back.

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"End of Episode Six."

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Casting!

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That's what'll make it.

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Yes! Easy to misjudge these characters.

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Walker the spiv, for instance,

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could be horribly over the top with the wrong actor.

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Hm. It's a gang show.

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The gang has to work together or the whole boat sinks.

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No mistakes. Not one.

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Now, look here, there's only one actor in Equity to play Mainwaring.

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One actor!

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Thorley Walters!

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Yeah.

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-Sure.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

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Yeah.

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Thorley Walters says no.

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Jon Pertwee!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Jon Pertwee says yes.

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Tell him what we're paying.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Jon Pertwee says no.

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Well...I wondered, um...

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Arthur Lowe?

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In the northern thing?

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Coronation Street.

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Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

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Well, he's done two comedies since then.

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No, we don't know him at the BBC.

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I've seen him in rep, he can be very funny.

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No, we don't know him here.

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You really think Arthur can do it?

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-I can judge an actor, you know.

-You're sure?

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His comic timing is perfect.

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Well, if you're sure.

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I'm sure.

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Let's meet him.

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The devilled kidneys, are they made with cream?

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-Yes, they are.

-Double cream?

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Yes.

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You don't sound too sure?

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I am. It's definitely double cream.

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-And you use English mustard?

-Of course.

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Just a touch. It should never overpower.

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I'll make sure Chef knows.

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Very well. I'll try them.

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I'd also like two fried eggs, two Cumberland sausages,

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mushrooms and extra toast with butter.

0:17:290:17:32

Thank you for asking me to lunch,

0:17:360:17:39

although I'm wary of putting myself into another situation comedy.

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Captain Mainwaring's a very different part to Leonard Swindley.

0:17:430:17:47

All the same, I wouldn't want to be in something silly...

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something like, like that dreadful Hugh And I.

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I directed and produced every episode of Hugh And I,

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and I'm very proud of it.

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Of course,

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a lesser man could be embarrassed in a situation like this.

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This wine's rather good, you know.

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There's no way out of this?

0:18:250:18:27

Arthur said yes on the spot.

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Michael, I'm absolutely sure that he's the very best we can get.

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Definitely! I guarantee it.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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John Le Mesurier. Big man, small man, that'll work.

0:18:490:18:51

-He always does the same thing.

-Exactly! You know what you're getting.

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And he suffers so beautifully. Always cast an actor who's like the role and you won't go far wrong.

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COCKNEY ACCENT: Not wrong there, guv! My card!

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Jimmy Perry, actor, spivs a speciality.

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Yes.

0:19:050:19:06

It's not all about bloody Walker.

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I'm wounded you're sending this out.

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Is this the best you can do?

0:19:190:19:22

We know the character isn't fully rounded.

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A Scotsman? That's the character description? Nothing else?

0:19:250:19:30

Nothing on God's Earth could persuade me to accept this insult.

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I'm sorry to hear that, John.

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But for one thing.

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I never turn a job down if I'm available. And I am.

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So, I accept.

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I'm delighted to be asked.

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I should like to do it very much,

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but I do worry about letting people down.

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I'll do my best to protect you, Arnold,

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but I should warn you there may be some running around.

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Oh... Well, I expect I'll manage.

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Thought I was getting showered in tea there,

0:20:250:20:27

that's arthritis in his hand.

0:20:270:20:29

No. German bayonet. The Somme.

0:20:290:20:31

Cripes, can he use it?

0:20:310:20:32

Well enough to join up for the Second World War and get invalided out of that, too.

0:20:320:20:37

I should think a bit of light comedy's attainable.

0:20:370:20:40

John Le Mesurier's stalling.

0:20:400:20:43

We offered to Jack Haig for Corporal Jones

0:20:430:20:45

but he's a friend of Tom Sloan's.

0:20:450:20:47

Tom told him we'd only get one series so he said no.

0:20:470:20:51

What?! You didn't tell me that!

0:20:510:20:53

-So we approached Clive Dunn.

-Good thinking.

0:20:530:20:55

We're fighting the enemy within!

0:20:550:20:57

David's done a hundred shows. He can navigate the rum business.

0:20:570:21:00

I know Tom has doubts, but that's sabotage.

0:21:000:21:02

Jimmy, we're on our own.

0:21:020:21:04

If Dad's Army bombs, many people will enjoy saying they told us so

0:21:040:21:08

as they escort us from the building.

0:21:080:21:10

That's why the casting has to be the very, very best we can get.

0:21:100:21:14

-Now, look here, Paul Fox is coming for a tour of the department so, chaps...

-Right.

0:21:200:21:26

Paul! Jimmy Perry, Paul Fox, BBC One Controller.

0:21:320:21:38

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

0:21:380:21:39

The sixth floor has grave doubts about your show.

0:21:390:21:42

Well, I hope you'll change your mind when you watch it, Paul.

0:21:420:21:45

So do the accountants, yes. And we're all their slaves. Excuse me.

0:21:450:21:49

Michael, how are you?

0:21:490:21:51

You can't protect Michael.

0:21:510:21:52

It's his neck as well as yours, you know.

0:21:520:21:55

Well, what about my neck?

0:22:000:22:01

Let's talk about it later, Jimmy. Yeah. No, I know, I know. No.

0:22:040:22:09

Hello.

0:22:110:22:12

No, you didn't see me in that last thing. I was bad.

0:22:120:22:15

Never been worse.

0:22:150:22:17

Really, Clive, don't exaggerate.

0:22:170:22:19

I can't play another old man. I'm only 48.

0:22:190:22:23

I've read it a few times now

0:22:230:22:24

and can't help thinking it's rather good.

0:22:240:22:27

You know, funny. Almost.

0:22:270:22:30

And I could get out more.

0:22:320:22:34

And I should probably get out less.

0:22:340:22:36

Are you going to do it?

0:22:360:22:38

Are you?

0:22:380:22:39

-Money's not great.

-No.

0:22:390:22:42

Well, if we get the money up, will you do it?

0:22:440:22:48

OK.

0:22:480:22:49

Deal. Cheerio.

0:22:490:22:51

Cheerio.

0:22:510:22:54

-Clive, you're on in ten!

-I'm coming.

0:22:550:22:59

You're not going to cast me.

0:23:320:23:33

I'm sorry.

0:23:350:23:37

I wrote the bloody thing to be in it!

0:23:400:23:42

DOOR SLAMS

0:23:450:23:47

So, I've played spivs for 20 years.

0:24:040:24:09

It's a character role, it's not the lead.

0:24:090:24:12

This was going to set me up.

0:24:120:24:14

Well, am I not good enough? Do you think I can't do it?

0:24:180:24:21

You know, tell me the truth, I can take it.

0:24:210:24:23

This will be hard to hear, Jimmy.

0:24:230:24:27

I think you're every bit good enough.

0:24:270:24:29

Then cast me.

0:24:290:24:30

Come on, you went against Michael for Arthur. Do it for me.

0:24:300:24:33

It's my decision not to cast you.

0:24:330:24:35

It wouldn't be good for the show.

0:24:350:24:37

How?

0:24:380:24:39

It's an ensemble, a company. If the company works, the show works.

0:24:390:24:46

These are difficult older actors.

0:24:470:24:49

Having the writer in the company would be divisive.

0:24:490:24:52

They'd think you were giving yourself the best lines.

0:24:520:24:55

Now, you have to decide which side of the camera you want to be on.

0:24:550:25:00

The other side - I'm an actor!

0:25:000:25:02

It's too late, Jimmy. You've written the series.

0:25:020:25:05

You're behind the camera.

0:25:050:25:07

I need you with me.

0:25:070:25:10

I resent this.

0:25:130:25:15

I resent this...more than I can say.

0:25:160:25:19

I never wanted to be a writer!

0:25:190:25:21

Look at the work.

0:25:220:25:24

You ARE one.

0:25:240:25:26

It's for the benefit of the show.

0:25:290:25:31

HE SCOFFS

0:25:310:25:34

The greater good! Yeah!

0:25:340:25:37

The bloody war again!

0:25:370:25:39

I'm completely powerless. I...

0:25:430:25:45

I should just walk away.

0:25:480:25:49

Jimmy...

0:25:540:25:55

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:26:110:26:13

A chance like this might not come again.

0:26:210:26:24

Oh, you're not going to bugger it up over a part, are you?

0:26:250:26:29

You know how much it means to me.

0:26:290:26:32

I'm an actor - I'll be one till I die.

0:26:320:26:35

A jobbing actor, till you die in poverty.

0:26:350:26:38

-That's bloody rude.

-You need to hear it!

0:26:380:26:41

You've written something tailored to your strengths

0:26:410:26:43

and it's still, "No, thanks."

0:26:430:26:45

What does that say?

0:26:450:26:46

It says you're a...

0:26:460:26:47

..pretty decent actor.

0:26:510:26:53

But if it's a good part, there's someone better.

0:26:530:26:56

And it IS a good part, because you wrote it.

0:26:560:27:00

You're a good writer, not an average actor.

0:27:000:27:02

That's the real you!

0:27:020:27:04

-Unless you need to fail.

-Of course I don't!

0:27:050:27:08

Then forget acting.

0:27:080:27:09

Think about the show, your show, you've written.

0:27:090:27:12

Seize it!

0:27:120:27:14

-On or off?

-Off.

0:27:200:27:22

You've never been a stupid boy.

0:27:290:27:31

Now, I don't want to overstate it,

0:27:390:27:41

but I think this is the kind of role that could really make a career.

0:27:410:27:44

Right. That's good news.

0:27:440:27:46

I'm so sorry, I'm late.

0:27:480:27:49

Hello. Hello.

0:27:490:27:50

Jimmy Perry, the creator and co-writer.

0:27:510:27:54

James Beck.

0:27:540:27:55

Well, I'm a Jimmy, too.

0:27:550:27:57

Shall I go?

0:27:590:28:00

Oh, when you're ready.

0:28:000:28:01

Evenin', gents.

0:28:070:28:08

Name?

0:28:080:28:10

My card.

0:28:100:28:11

Joe Walker, wholesale supplier.

0:28:110:28:14

I suppose you won't be with us very long.

0:28:140:28:16

You'll be called up any day now, I should think.

0:28:160:28:19

No, guv. No, no, no.

0:28:190:28:20

I'm a...whatsitsname... reserved occupation.

0:28:200:28:24

How do you make that out?

0:28:240:28:25

Well, I'm a wholesale supplier, aren't I?

0:28:250:28:27

I supply essential supplies.

0:28:270:28:28

HE CHUCKLES

0:28:280:28:29

Any previous military experience?

0:28:290:28:32

Well, I got a girlfriend in the ATS.

0:28:320:28:34

HE LAUGHS

0:28:340:28:36

Very good.

0:28:370:28:38

Very good.

0:28:390:28:40

Well, he blew a lot of laugh lines.

0:28:410:28:44

Look, I'm sorry, I'm turning my life upside down for this show -

0:28:440:28:48

everything I've been for 30 years!

0:28:480:28:49

I'm not putting my life on the line,

0:28:490:28:51

just my career and my house.

0:28:510:28:53

Oh, Bill Pertwee and Ian Lavender have said yes, too.

0:28:530:28:56

So, we're cast, then.

0:28:560:28:58

Let's hope they get on.

0:28:580:28:59

We'll get them on location in Norfolk,

0:28:590:29:01

drinking and swapping stories.

0:29:010:29:03

If we can just forge a tightknit unit before the live recordings,

0:29:030:29:07

-we'll be all right.

-No gang, no show.

0:29:070:29:10

Well, I've seen the weather forecast.

0:29:100:29:12

At least the elements are on our side.

0:29:120:29:14

What a relief!

0:29:140:29:15

Well, it's only a little shower,

0:29:200:29:21

it'll pass in a minute.

0:29:210:29:23

I'd like a car like this.

0:29:230:29:25

One with a whiff of vomit?

0:29:250:29:27

Shouldn't be beyond the bounds of possibility.

0:29:270:29:29

Not a chance, on our wages.

0:29:290:29:32

Eh?

0:29:320:29:33

Eh?

0:29:350:29:36

You want to know what we're making?

0:29:400:29:42

How much?!

0:29:430:29:45

But that's... Both of you?!

0:29:450:29:47

MUSIC: Tin Soldier by The Small Faces

0:29:470:29:49

Fall in, everyone!

0:29:570:29:59

Fall in?

0:29:590:30:00

Really, old chap,

0:30:000:30:01

we're only pretending to be soldiers this time, you know.

0:30:010:30:04

You all right, Arthur?

0:30:050:30:06

I had some rather upsetting news.

0:30:060:30:08

I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur.

0:30:090:30:11

Is there anything I can help with?

0:30:110:30:13

For the good of the show, I have shaken the upset off -

0:30:130:30:17

but, if there is a second series, I will not shake it off.

0:30:170:30:22

Is that clear?

0:30:220:30:24

Good for you, Arthur.

0:30:240:30:26

Thank you.

0:30:290:30:30

Right, let's get ready for a take.

0:30:320:30:35

You come to wish David luck?

0:30:350:30:36

No, I've come to wish you luck.

0:30:360:30:38

I need it.

0:30:380:30:39

You do.

0:30:390:30:40

Scene 28, take one.

0:30:400:30:41

And...action.

0:30:430:30:45

Squad 'shun!

0:30:460:30:47

Left turn!

0:30:470:30:49

Men, you may wonder why I've brought you here.

0:30:490:30:52

I'm placing this unit under the command...

0:30:520:30:55

..under the command of...

0:30:580:30:59

HE MOUTHS

0:31:020:31:03

Colonel Square.

0:31:030:31:05

-Colonel Square.

-Let's go again.

0:31:050:31:06

-Colonel Square, Colonel Square.

-Cut. Take two.

0:31:060:31:09

Squad 'shun!

0:31:090:31:10

Right turn!

0:31:100:31:12

-Oh, it's left, isn't it?

-Cut.

0:31:120:31:13

Left, right, left, right - it's left, not right.

0:31:130:31:15

-Again.

-Why has...?

0:31:150:31:16

Standing by.

0:31:160:31:17

Colonel Square.

0:31:200:31:21

Colonel Square.

0:31:210:31:22

You're probably thinking, "Why has he...?"

0:31:220:31:25

I'll go again.

0:31:250:31:26

-Resetting, please, ladies and gents.

-Men...

0:31:260:31:29

you may be wondering, why I brought you here.

0:31:290:31:33

-Dammit!

-Thank you, ladies and gentlemen...

0:31:330:31:34

Well, you're not REALLY worried, are you?

0:31:340:31:37

Well, with television,

0:31:370:31:38

I find that anything can go wrong, any time.

0:31:380:31:41

LAUGHTER

0:31:420:31:43

MUSIC: Stranger On The Shore by Acker Bilk

0:31:430:31:45

-What's it called?

-I call it a Gin Amazon. My own invention.

0:31:450:31:50

Rather a well-balanced aperitif, I think you'll find.

0:31:500:31:53

Nice.

0:31:530:31:55

There's too much ice and cucumber, though.

0:31:550:31:57

I'm going to have a word.

0:31:570:31:59

It's all right -

0:31:590:32:00

we all don't need to have the same drink to get on.

0:32:000:32:03

I want my men to enjoy this drink as it should be enjoyed.

0:32:030:32:06

-THEY LAUGH

-"My men"?! Really, Arthur.

0:32:060:32:09

Every company has a leader.

0:32:090:32:11

The pips are only on the costume, old boy.

0:32:110:32:14

Er, look, I just thought you were all marvellous today,

0:32:200:32:23

I really did. I couldn't be more delighted.

0:32:230:32:26

Sod this. Let's get some fish and chips.

0:32:350:32:37

Good idea.

0:32:370:32:38

Oh, thank you so much.

0:32:420:32:43

Sheer gluttony.

0:32:460:32:48

Arthur's teeth are going to kill him!

0:32:480:32:51

Thank you, Matilda, that's awfully kind of you.

0:32:510:32:55

That's quite all right, John.

0:32:550:32:57

Ahem...

0:32:570:32:58

Any other favours while she's down there?

0:32:580:33:01

-MIMICS JOHN:

-Matilda, sweetheart, I was wondering

0:33:010:33:03

if you could take the top off my eggs,

0:33:030:33:05

and maybe cut my toast into soldiers.

0:33:050:33:07

THEY LAUGH

0:33:070:33:10

We could all tip fivers, we wouldn't get that level of service.

0:33:100:33:13

Stop being tiresome - she's just an awfully sweet girl.

0:33:130:33:16

ALL: Ooh!

0:33:160:33:18

-Morning, everyone.

-Morning, Arnold.

0:33:180:33:20

Ah, you made it through the night!

0:33:200:33:23

Hardly seems worth your while eating.

0:33:230:33:25

LAUGHTER

0:33:250:33:26

Morning, Arthur.

0:33:280:33:29

-Morning, Jimmy.

-Morning.

0:33:290:33:32

Ah, Arnold, mind if I join you?

0:33:320:33:34

Not at all! Please do.

0:33:340:33:36

Yes, how's everyone getting on?

0:33:400:33:42

Hm!

0:33:420:33:43

I haven't had the chance to say,

0:33:430:33:45

but your scripts are very good, you know.

0:33:450:33:47

Oh, gosh, Arnold, thanks. That means a lot, coming from you.

0:33:470:33:51

Now, I'm a great admirer of your plays.

0:33:510:33:54

The Ghost Train, I've seen it so many times.

0:33:540:33:56

I've often thought I'd like to have your royalties!

0:33:560:34:00

Yes, I've often thought I'd like my royalties, too.

0:34:000:34:04

I ran a film company that went bust before the war,

0:34:040:34:08

and I made the very bad decision

0:34:080:34:10

to sell off the rights to all my plays

0:34:100:34:13

so I could pay everyone off quickly.

0:34:130:34:15

Never, ever do this.

0:34:150:34:19

Writers must always hold on to their bloody rights!

0:34:190:34:23

Well, why didn't you write more plays?

0:34:260:34:28

The ideas dried up.

0:34:280:34:30

The ones I had were mucked about with.

0:34:300:34:33

You're lucky - you're on set, in charge.

0:34:330:34:36

Make the most of it.

0:34:360:34:38

Some writers can end up as old actors.

0:34:410:34:44

A terrible, terrible fate!

0:34:440:34:46

Hodges is a bully, Bill.

0:34:500:34:52

ALL CHATTER

0:34:520:34:53

Welcome aboard, welcome aboard.

0:34:560:34:58

OK, have a wonderful day.

0:34:580:35:00

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no. Jimmy, Arthur's not here.

0:35:000:35:03

He's not?

0:35:030:35:04

Thanks.

0:35:040:35:05

LAUGHTER

0:35:060:35:07

Who's that?

0:35:130:35:14

Arthur, it's Jimmy. Are you all right?

0:35:140:35:16

You've missed the bus, love.

0:35:160:35:18

I can't go yet.

0:35:180:35:20

Why not?

0:35:200:35:21

I can't "go" yet.

0:35:250:35:27

I'll give you a lift. I'll wait outside.

0:35:290:35:32

Have you considered All-Bran?

0:35:360:35:37

All-Bran?

0:35:370:35:39

That's like mattress stuffing!

0:35:390:35:41

Well, people swear by it, give it a try.

0:35:410:35:43

I certainly won't.

0:35:430:35:44

Well, I'll get you some anyway, just in case you change your mind.

0:35:440:35:48

That girl that does the cakes - Carole.

0:35:480:35:51

What about her?

0:35:510:35:53

I like Mr Kipling cakes - could you let her know?

0:35:530:35:58

You could tell her yourself.

0:35:580:36:00

Very well.

0:36:000:36:01

Buxom little thing.

0:36:020:36:04

Who's poking her, do you know?

0:36:050:36:07

I've no idea, Arthur.

0:36:070:36:09

Of course, Joan would never put up with that sort of thing.

0:36:120:36:15

Someone needs to decide on footage for the titles.

0:36:280:36:31

I'll do it.

0:36:310:36:32

Oh, and Derek Taverner's sent more music.

0:36:320:36:34

NEWSREEL: '..begins its fruitless march of conquest

0:36:390:36:42

'and sets the stage for World War II.

0:36:420:36:44

'Poland's 34 million inhabitants crushed, scattered and enslaved.

0:36:450:36:50

'Tens of thousands of square miles of territory shrink

0:36:500:36:53

'before the movement of lightly-armoured columns...'

0:36:530:36:55

-TEARFULLY:

-Turn it off, Jimmy.

0:36:550:36:57

'..learn the meaning of a grim new word - Blitzkrieg.

0:36:570:37:01

'Here...'

0:37:010:37:04

Thank you.

0:37:070:37:09

Anyway, swimming...

0:37:170:37:19

Sorry, Arthur.

0:37:190:37:20

I did like that voice of yours.

0:37:210:37:23

-AS PIKE: Oh, did you, Mr Mainwaring?

-Mm!

0:37:230:37:25

Well, you won't hear it for a while - I've hardly any lines.

0:37:250:37:27

Don't worry about the lines, they'll come.

0:37:270:37:29

Get a funny costume and stand next to me.

0:37:290:37:32

Thanks, Arthur.

0:37:330:37:35

Niagara Falls! That's what he said!

0:37:350:37:37

LAUGHTER

0:37:370:37:39

No-one else for a Gin Amazon?

0:37:390:37:41

Oh, no, thank you, Arthur.

0:37:410:37:42

That's very kind, I had one last night.

0:37:420:37:44

More for me.

0:37:440:37:46

It's revenge, for me, this show.

0:37:460:37:47

Oh, why? What did you do in the war?

0:37:470:37:49

..Daddy?

0:37:490:37:50

He did nothing. He sat on his arse.

0:37:500:37:52

I got captured. Four years as a POW,

0:37:520:37:55

and actually they kept me very busy.

0:37:550:37:57

Jimmy!

0:37:570:37:58

ALL CHEER

0:37:580:38:00

Come and sit down.

0:38:000:38:01

Jimmy, Jimmy, come and sit down, come on!

0:38:010:38:03

No, thanks, John, I shouldn't really - work to do.

0:38:030:38:06

Let me put something behind the bar, stand my round.

0:38:060:38:09

-Come on!

-No, I must, I must.

0:38:090:38:11

You all have a good night.

0:38:110:38:12

-Oh, God bless you, Jimmy. Good night.

-Jimmy... Jimmy, write well.

0:38:120:38:16

LAUGHTER

0:38:160:38:17

Anyway, as I was saying, so the big hand was on the three...

0:38:200:38:23

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:38:230:38:25

Oh, Jimmy, how's the gang?

0:38:250:38:28

-I understand why I can't play Walker.

-Good.

0:38:300:38:33

I'll continue to resent it, though.

0:38:330:38:34

I know.

0:38:360:38:37

Those the rewrites?

0:38:370:38:38

Yes. They're very funny.

0:38:380:38:40

Was there something else?

0:38:440:38:46

John Laurie saw some of the title footage.

0:38:460:38:49

It's not too close to the war for this show, is it?

0:38:510:38:55

No.

0:38:550:38:56

It's a bit late if it is, Jimmy.

0:38:560:38:59

-Hello.

-Hello, Jimmy.

0:38:590:39:01

Come along, lovely boys, lovely boys.

0:39:010:39:04

See you down there.

0:39:060:39:08

Just a minute, just a minute -

0:39:080:39:09

wait we haven't got Arthur, Mr... Mr...

0:39:090:39:11

Don't panic!

0:39:110:39:12

Don't panic, Mr Perry, don't panic!

0:39:140:39:17

Did you get the All-Bran?

0:39:200:39:22

I did. It worked a treat.

0:39:220:39:24

A revelation. Thank you.

0:39:240:39:26

Well, if it worked, why didn't you get the bus?

0:39:260:39:29

Aren't you driving me every day?

0:39:290:39:31

I'm the writer. I'm the writer!

0:39:360:39:40

I'm not your bloody chauffeur.

0:39:400:39:43

Oh, God!

0:39:470:39:49

That's the ticket, Lavender Blue!

0:39:540:39:56

Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.

0:39:560:39:58

Mum knitted it - she used all her coupons.

0:39:580:40:00

Hilarious, boy, hilarious. Well done.

0:40:000:40:03

Oh, thanks.

0:40:060:40:08

-Bud Flanagan's agreed to sing your song.

-No!

0:40:100:40:13

Then Derek and I will record it - now, we've have a theme tune!

0:40:130:40:16

Hoo-hoo!

0:40:160:40:18

TAPS MIC

0:40:190:40:20

Is this mine, Marsha?

0:40:200:40:22

We all set up for you OK in there, Mr Flanagan?

0:40:220:40:25

Perfectly, along as the money's all right. Is it?

0:40:250:40:28

Oh, good, then call me Bud.

0:40:280:40:31

Right! Right, you sure you don't want to hear the tune again first?

0:40:310:40:35

No, it sounds like something I've been singing for years.

0:40:350:40:39

In a good way.

0:40:390:40:41

Recording.

0:40:460:40:48

-A CAPPELLA:

-# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:40:500:40:55

# If you think we're on the run?

0:40:550:41:00

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

0:41:000:41:05

# We are the boys who will make you think again

0:41:050:41:10

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:41:100:41:15

# If you think old England's done?

0:41:150:41:19

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

0:41:190:41:24

# But he comes home each evening

0:41:240:41:27

# And he's ready with his gun

0:41:270:41:30

# So, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:41:300:41:35

# If you think old England's done? #

0:41:350:41:39

Will that do?

0:41:410:41:42

TEARFULLY: That's...

0:41:430:41:45

It's perfect, Bud. Thank you.

0:41:450:41:49

BUD SNIFFS

0:41:490:41:51

Good song. Good luck with the show.

0:41:510:41:54

-SINGS TO HIMSELF:

-# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler...? #

0:41:550:42:00

THEME PLAYS

0:42:000:42:03

HE MIMICS MILITARY DRUMS

0:42:070:42:09

Oh, I think we might be all right, after all.

0:42:140:42:16

What?

0:42:170:42:19

What, you don't think so?

0:42:190:42:21

The live recordings will make this.

0:42:220:42:24

Cast get on.

0:42:240:42:25

It's just...

0:42:270:42:29

Goulash, goulash...

0:42:350:42:36

It'll be great.

0:42:360:42:37

OK, chaps, let's run the lines.

0:42:370:42:39

Oh, yes, sorry.

0:42:390:42:40

Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape, erm...

0:42:400:42:44

..hordes of parachutes, erm...

0:42:450:42:48

And again.

0:42:520:42:54

Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape.

0:42:540:42:56

Hordes of parachutes disguised as nuns

0:42:560:42:59

will drop out of the sky...

0:42:590:43:01

..into Wiltshire?

0:43:040:43:06

Try that line again, please, Arthur.

0:43:070:43:09

-And all the others.

-Christ.

0:43:090:43:11

Oh, Wilson, this is no time for red tape.

0:43:110:43:14

Hordes of parachutes have got it

0:43:140:43:16

and are wrapping it round buildings.

0:43:160:43:18

-You're very good, Arthur.

-Oh...

0:43:200:43:22

Well, he's a lovely man, John, but he's got a head like a sieve.

0:43:220:43:25

You wanted something, John?

0:43:260:43:27

Yes.

0:43:270:43:28

Help!

0:43:280:43:30

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:43:300:43:31

DOOR OPENS

0:43:310:43:32

Got a minute, Arthur?

0:43:350:43:36

Joan's waiting. We're dining out.

0:43:360:43:38

Erm...got you another script.

0:43:380:43:40

Hm?

0:43:400:43:42

Well, I thought you could leave one copy here

0:43:420:43:44

and put the other one under your pillow.

0:43:440:43:45

Perhaps the lines will seep through while you're sleeping.

0:43:450:43:49

I couldn't have that sort of thing in the house.

0:43:490:43:51

That would never do.

0:43:520:43:54

Ridiculous.

0:43:540:43:55

It's completely ridiculous.

0:43:570:43:59

Arthur...

0:43:590:44:00

Arthur, please. Arthur.

0:44:010:44:03

David, Jimmy, sorry to bother you.

0:44:030:44:06

Erm, this line, here - I don't want to say it. It's rude.

0:44:060:44:09

What, "They don't like it up 'em"?

0:44:090:44:11

It's on the gentle side of rude, surely?

0:44:110:44:14

Corporal Jones has no idea it's rude.

0:44:140:44:16

It's only rude to you.

0:44:160:44:18

Think about it, Clive. I'd really like you to say it.

0:44:180:44:20

So would I.

0:44:200:44:22

Oh, God, bloody actors!

0:44:230:44:25

Hello, Paul. Tom.

0:44:250:44:27

So, what do you think, did you enjoy the rehearsal?

0:44:270:44:31

Hard to tell, when the lead can't remember his lines.

0:44:310:44:33

Shame it's too late to recast.

0:44:330:44:35

Well, fear of a live audience helps some actors.

0:44:350:44:38

Yes, I've heard that.

0:44:380:44:39

Still, good that you can be so positive in the face of everything.

0:44:390:44:43

Well, fear isn't helping me.

0:44:460:44:48

I don't need any bloody All-Bran, I can tell you.

0:44:480:44:51

I hope we haven't made a mistake casting Arthur.

0:44:510:44:54

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:44:540:45:01

# If you think we're on the run... #

0:45:010:45:05

AUDIENCE MEMBERS COUGH

0:45:050:45:07

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

0:45:070:45:10

# We are the boys who will make you think again... #

0:45:100:45:14

APPLAUSE

0:45:140:45:16

See, now we're getting to know each other.

0:45:160:45:19

Can we give a big rousing BBC welcome, a good old friend of mine, Arthur Lowe? There he is.

0:45:190:45:24

CHEERING

0:45:240:45:25

Wonderful, Arthur.

0:45:290:45:30

'Playing the wonderful Sergeant Wilson, he's playing,

0:45:300:45:33

'and that's a dear old friend of mine. John Le Mesurier!

0:45:330:45:36

-'There's John. Out you come, John.'

-APPLAUSE

0:45:360:45:39

Playing Private Frazer, John Laurie.

0:45:390:45:42

-This is Arnold Ridley playing Private Godfrey. Come on out, Arnie.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:45:420:45:46

Wonderful, wonderful. Well, my name's Bill Pertwee and I'm playing the warden

0:45:460:45:51

and I wish you all... I hope you have a wonderful evening.

0:45:510:45:55

Oh, well.

0:45:550:45:56

Not much we can say now.

0:45:590:46:01

Apart from fingers crossed.

0:46:010:46:03

Clear the set.

0:46:090:46:11

Ready to record.

0:46:110:46:12

'And...action.'

0:46:120:46:14

-Oh, there you are, sir. Did you get the enrolment forms?

-No.

0:46:160:46:19

Haven't they got any at the police station?

0:46:190:46:22

They wouldn't let me have any without putting in an application form.

0:46:220:46:26

-Oh, why didn't you, sir?

-They haven't got any.

0:46:260:46:28

-I got those, however.

-But these are paying-in forms, sir.

0:46:370:46:42

Don't keep putting obstacles in the way, Wilson!

0:46:420:46:44

LAUGHTER

0:46:440:46:47

Arthur's marvellous.

0:46:540:46:56

My casting is marvellous!

0:46:570:47:01

HE LAUGHS

0:47:010:47:04

PARTY CHAT

0:47:060:47:07

-..That woman laughed over your line.

-That was the wife.

-The wife?!

0:47:110:47:14

John, thank you. That was gorgeous. Arthur, you were brilliant!

0:47:140:47:19

-No need to sound quite so surprised, Jimmy.

-Well, no. But didn't he?

0:47:190:47:22

-He remembered nearly every line.

-He was wonderful.

0:47:220:47:25

Jimmy, that's not actually a compliment.

0:47:250:47:27

I thought you used to be an actor.

0:47:270:47:30

Yes, I...used to be an actor.

0:47:300:47:32

-Well, only five more to go.

-Yes, well, keep up the rewrites.

0:47:320:47:36

Get rid of the drafts. There's not a lot, but there's enough.

0:47:360:47:39

ALL YELL

0:47:400:47:41

-Where were you, back in...

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

0:47:430:47:46

..up and down the village all morning, as for you...

0:47:460:47:49

Pike!

0:47:500:47:51

..From the left bank or the right bank...

0:47:510:47:54

Ten'shun!

0:47:540:47:56

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

0:47:560:47:58

-Pike!

-Yes, Captain Mainwaring.

0:47:590:48:01

Get that stupid scarf off, you stupid boy.

0:48:010:48:03

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

0:48:030:48:05

They don't like it up' em, Mr Mainwaring!

0:48:050:48:08

They don't like it up 'em!

0:48:080:48:10

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

0:48:120:48:14

Hello, Paul.

0:48:150:48:17

-I've watched it.

-Ah.

0:48:200:48:22

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

0:48:340:48:36

Now, look here, Tom...

0:48:360:48:38

I see.

0:48:390:48:40

-They don't like it?

-No-one's saying that.

0:48:420:48:44

-Well, what precisely don't they like?

-All sorts.

0:48:440:48:47

Everything.

0:48:470:48:49

Now, look here, this is what we do.

0:48:490:48:51

OK, chaps. Gather round.

0:48:510:48:53

So...

0:48:550:48:56

We're going to film a scene for the start of the episode of all

0:48:560:49:01

of you looking back on your time in the Home Guard with pride.

0:49:010:49:04

Looking back?!

0:49:040:49:05

-Yes.

-From when?

0:49:070:49:09

From...now?

0:49:100:49:12

-30 years later?!

-Yes...

0:49:140:49:17

LAUGHTER

0:49:170:49:19

There is a time when you have to stand firm.

0:49:190:49:22

That is what this show is about. Remember?

0:49:220:49:24

Standing firm against a seemingly stronger enemy.

0:49:250:49:29

-MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

-Bravo!

-Well said, Arthur!

0:49:290:49:32

Yes. Well... We'll do it this once.

0:49:330:49:36

But no more.

0:49:360:49:38

The new scene helps, but Paul would like you to change the titles.

0:49:380:49:42

No!

0:49:420:49:44

Absolutely not!

0:49:440:49:45

It stops here!

0:49:450:49:47

I've been uneasy with this project from the start.

0:49:530:49:55

-You made that very clear.

-The titles reinforce that unease.

0:49:550:49:58

They mix fact with fiction.

0:49:580:50:00

The point of the series is to contrast the pathetic,

0:50:000:50:02

brave, yet comic Home Guard against the Nazi hordes.

0:50:020:50:05

Exactly. That's what we're getting at.

0:50:050:50:07

I understand the point of the series.

0:50:070:50:09

I don't agree that it needs underlining with real footage.

0:50:090:50:13

-It's a comedy. The Nazis weren't funny.

-Now, look here.

0:50:130:50:18

Comedy is about more than laughing.

0:50:180:50:20

-Nearly all the cast served in the war, Jimmy and David served.

-We did.

0:50:200:50:23

India, both of us.

0:50:230:50:25

Most of us laughed more in the war than any time since.

0:50:250:50:27

Are you saying we don't know what's serious?

0:50:270:50:30

Comedy defines this generation.

0:50:300:50:33

Wit, irony, humanity in the face of the impossible.

0:50:330:50:36

Everyone who lived through it will understand it and those who didn't.

0:50:360:50:40

What I wonder is

0:50:400:50:41

if the clowns are supposed to stay clowns in your new BBC One?

0:50:410:50:44

Can we not be serious or push in to new areas?

0:50:440:50:47

This channel showed Till Death Us Do Part. Hardly conservative. Hm?

0:50:500:50:55

And I'm not sure that Dad's Army will push us into new areas.

0:50:550:50:59

Yes. Er, what do we do about the titles?

0:51:000:51:03

It appears we've reached an impasse.

0:51:030:51:05

Of course, if you're not happy, Paul, they'll change it.

0:51:070:51:10

MUSIC: All Or Nothing by The Small Faces

0:51:140:51:17

You're supposed to be on our side, Tom. He was going to concede.

0:51:170:51:20

-I know.

-Then why back down?

0:51:200:51:22

Especially when we'd won the argument?

0:51:220:51:24

So he doesn't hate this show.

0:51:240:51:26

He's had his little victory.

0:51:260:51:27

He'll feel better about it.

0:51:270:51:28

Or do you want to go out after Match Of The Day

0:51:280:51:30

in the middle of the night?

0:51:300:51:31

I have to change my titles.

0:51:310:51:33

Nobody watches a show for the titles.

0:51:330:51:35

Change it for something better.

0:51:350:51:36

He has a point.

0:51:380:51:39

THEME TUNE PLAYS

0:51:410:51:43

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:51:430:51:47

# If you think we're on... #

0:51:470:51:49

"No, no, it's ruined, it's ruined.

0:51:490:51:52

"I could never watch a show with titles like that,

0:51:520:51:55

"it's absolutely..."

0:51:550:51:57

You know, every beat of this has been

0:51:570:52:00

a compromise for me and it's still bloody good.

0:52:000:52:03

Now all we need to know is when it goes out.

0:52:030:52:06

If it goes out.

0:52:060:52:07

What? Are you serious?

0:52:070:52:09

I'm afraid so. Research department is very keen apparently.

0:52:090:52:13

Testing is the future of television.

0:52:130:52:15

They're going to turn programming into a science.

0:52:150:52:18

Testing? What's testing?

0:52:180:52:20

Well, they invite an audience of typical viewers...

0:52:200:52:24

THEME TUNE PLAYS

0:52:240:52:25

..play them an episode and ask them what they think.

0:52:250:52:28

That doesn't sound too bad.

0:52:290:52:31

Relax, Jimmy. It'll be fine.

0:52:310:52:33

I thought it was just daft.

0:52:330:52:35

I didn't really follow it from the start.

0:52:350:52:37

Was that supposed to be now?

0:52:370:52:38

That little bald fella didn't even know his lines.

0:52:380:52:42

I didn't laugh out loud once.

0:52:420:52:44

I thought it was rubbish.

0:52:440:52:45

I quite liked it. I think it'll be a hit.

0:52:470:52:49

Oh, thank God for that dear little man. I could've kissed him.

0:52:550:52:58

He's our audience.

0:52:580:53:00

Here's to Dear Little Man.

0:53:000:53:01

Let's hope there's a few more like him.

0:53:010:53:03

"With more than a hint of taking the mickey out of the Home Guard,

0:53:040:53:09

-"I enjoyed it."

-KNOCK AT DOOR

0:53:090:53:11

Now look here, we've got a provisional date for Dad's Army.

0:53:110:53:14

Wednesday, 31st July, 20 past eight.

0:53:140:53:17

-Good slot.

-Mm. How was testing?

0:53:170:53:19

-Interesting.

-That bad? Got the report?

0:53:190:53:23

-Not yet.

-If it's hostile, Foxy will push us into a late-night slot,

0:53:230:53:27

but it will go out...

0:53:270:53:28

..I think.

0:53:290:53:30

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:53:330:53:34

Tom Sloan's secretary asked after the audience report on Dad's Army.

0:53:350:53:39

What about it?

0:53:390:53:40

They want me to pass it on after you've read it.

0:53:400:53:43

-Why?

-It's the only copy.

0:53:430:53:44

It goes on to Tom Sloan and then on to Paul Fox.

0:53:440:53:47

A month till transmission...

0:53:500:53:52

-Morning, Mr Sloan.

-Maggie.

0:54:370:54:39

Has that, er, audience research still not come through?

0:54:410:54:43

Not that I've seen, Tom.

0:54:440:54:46

Pass it on when it does.

0:54:460:54:47

Will do. Although...

0:54:470:54:48

hardly seems worthwhile, what with the show coming out tomorrow.

0:54:480:54:52

No, I suppose not. Good luck, by the way.

0:54:520:54:54

Thanks, with luck we'll an find audience...

0:54:540:54:57

..if not the research.

0:54:580:55:00

I look at Walker and...

0:55:010:55:03

see a perfectly cast brilliant actor.

0:55:030:55:06

HE LAUGHS

0:55:060:55:08

Mm.

0:55:080:55:09

It's not my dream but sitting in a room,

0:55:100:55:13

laughing and thinking up absurd stuff with a...

0:55:130:55:17

a chum, it isn't the worst way to spend your days.

0:55:170:55:21

No, it's not. I think we're a pretty effective partnership.

0:55:210:55:27

Yes. The happy couple.

0:55:280:55:29

And if by some marvel of fate, we do get a second series,

0:55:310:55:34

then let's make the characters...

0:55:340:55:36

-TOGETHER:

-More like the actors.

0:55:370:55:39

'Tatty bye.'

0:55:410:55:42

-ANNOUNCER:

-'Coming up next on BBC One, attention, it's...'

0:55:460:55:49

-Here we go.

-'..brand-new comedy, Dad's Army.'

0:55:490:55:52

Ian! Come on, it's about to start, Ian!

0:55:520:55:55

Put that light out. That's one of the things I say in the show.

0:55:550:55:58

You'll see it a bit later on. "Put that light out."

0:55:580:56:00

Drinks, Joan!

0:56:000:56:02

You'll need them to watch this.

0:56:020:56:04

SHE LAUGHS

0:56:040:56:06

THEME TUNE PLAYS

0:56:060:56:08

I did rather enjoy doing it in the end.

0:56:090:56:12

I just hope to God I get a bit more telly off the back of it.

0:56:120:56:15

I'm fed up doing these parts.

0:56:150:56:16

You're clearly destined to play old codgers.

0:56:160:56:19

What's that? Speak up!

0:56:190:56:21

What's...what's... Oh, they don't like it up 'em, the... John?

0:56:210:56:24

It's a launch part. Type of thing that gets you noticed.

0:56:270:56:31

People will see what I can do.

0:56:310:56:33

# And he's ready with his gun

0:56:330:56:35

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

0:56:350:56:40

# If you think old England's done? #

0:56:400:56:44

It's doomed!

0:56:490:56:50

Doomed, I tell you.

0:56:510:56:54

MUSIC: Days by The Kinks

0:56:540:56:56

# Thank you for the days

0:57:000:57:04

# Those endless days

0:57:040:57:06

# Those sacred days you gave me

0:57:060:57:08

# I'm thinking of the days

0:57:080:57:14

# I won't forget a single day, believe me

0:57:140:57:17

# I bless the light

0:57:180:57:21

# I bless the light that lights on you

0:57:210:57:23

# Believe me

0:57:230:57:25

# And though you're gone

0:57:250:57:28

# You're with me every single day, believe me

0:57:280:57:32

# Days I'll remember all my life

0:57:330:57:37

# Days when you can't see wrong from right

0:57:380:57:42

# You took my life

0:57:420:57:44

# But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me

0:57:440:57:48

# But it's all right

0:57:490:57:52

# Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me

0:57:520:57:56

# I wish today

0:57:560:57:58

# Would be tomorrow

0:57:580:58:01

# The night is dark

0:58:010:58:03

# It just brings sorrow, let it wait

0:58:030:58:06

# Thank you for the days

0:58:090:58:14

# Those endless days

0:58:140:58:15

# Those sacred days you gave me

0:58:150:58:18

# I'm thinking of the days

0:58:180:58:24

# I won't forget a single day

0:58:240:58:26

# Believe me

0:58:260:58:28

# Days I'll remember all my life

0:58:290:58:33

# Days when you can't see wrong from right

0:58:340:58:38

# You took my life

0:58:380:58:41

# But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me

0:58:410:58:44

# But it's all right

0:58:450:58:48

# Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me

0:58:480:58:51

# Day-ay-ay-ay-ays

0:58:530:58:57

# Thank you for the days... #

0:58:570:59:00

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