The Family Reunion Asian Provocateur

This programme contains strong language.

I always wanted to go to America with you to see the family.

It's going to be shit.

Waaaah!

I am going on a trip of a lifetime.

Except I've got to take my mum.

This trip is about getting to know the part of my family

that ended up settling in North America.

Seeing what my life might have been like

if my mum and dad hadn't selected the delights of Crawley.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Come on.

Last time, when we went to Sri Lanka,

I did what my mum told me to do.

But, this time, we're doing what I want to do.

Yeah, ha, ha!

-Do you feel like you're in control?

-No.

There's no more mad, religious ceremonies.

Ooooh!

There's no more me getting beaten up.

There's no more me falling victim to family pressure.

Would you prefer that your mother was not on this trip?

This time, I'm in charge.

We're doing what I want to do on this trip.

I mean, obviously, I haven't actually told my mum that.

I'm the Asian Provocateur.

-Well, who the hell am I, then?

-The Asian Provocateur's mum.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

SHOT FIRED

-Jesus!

-Shut up!

-Can I ask a question?

-Yes, darling. What is it?

-Why are we going to Canada?

-There's a family reunion.

Everybody's coming to Canada.

Did they organise the reunion, and we happened to be there,

or did we happen to be there,

and you told them and now they've organised a reunion?

I told them, they're organising the reunion.

You could have gone to Canada any time.

But you've decided to... HE CLICKS

..our America trip. Do you know what I mean?

-Well, don't just do that face.

-I have told them.

They are organising it. We should be there.

That's it, end of the story.

OK? You take it or leave it.

-Leave it.

-You're not going to leave it.

-OK, so, it's just take it, then?

-Take it. Yeah, take it.

# When it's shut down that's not me, and it's shut down

# Ring ring, it's shut down Fashion week and it's shut down... #

We're in Toronto, Canada, to see my family.

I love my family in Canada, and I do like Canada.

Having said all that,

it wouldn't be on my top five list of things to do in America.

Because it isn't in America.

# She rolled in, and it's shut down

# Boy better know when it's shut down... #

-Yo!

-Hi!

Hey!

My mum's lined up for me to basically spend the day

with my cousin doing some breakdancing.

How old is he?

He's seven.

-Hello. Sean, how are you?

-How are you?

-I'm good, thank you.

So, what is the plan for today?

We are going to Sean's school,

and they going to have, you know, a show with you,

and Sean's going to do a breakdance.

The problem we have is that I can't actually...

-I can't actually breakdance.

-I'll teach you.

You'll teach me?

-Yeah, I'll teach you how to do

-breakdance. OK, here we go.

Drop it low.

Sean's a great kid. I really like him.

I am worried about how this performance is going to go down.

You know, he's got a lot of enthusiasm,

he's got a lot of energy.

-You're saying that in a way that makes you think...

-No, I'm not.

I'm just saying he's got loads of enthusiasm,

loads of energy.

He's going to do a performance in front of his school this afternoon.

My concern is we might have bitten off

more than we can body pop.

We are hiring a local group to come and teach you...

dancing, breakdance or the hip-hop or whatever.

Do a good job, man.

-Don't muck it up.

-Why do you think I'm going to muck it up?

Knowing you, you might do it.

MUSIC: Breathe And Stop by Q-Tip

OK, so these are the guys that are going to teach us, apparently.

-Romesh. How you doing?

-Nice to meet you.

-Hey,

nice to meet you, man.

We're going to learn a basic combo this way.

So, we're down here.

We go right. On the other side.

Fourth one is here.

A crossover this way, yeah.

One, two, three, four. Right, left.

Back, right.

Right, turn, and...

Hey!

There you go.

-You guys want to try with music?

-Yes!

Yeah, I've absolutely mastered it, mate, no worries. I'm ready.

Speed it up, if anything.

We are not prepared, are we?

What they showed us, that we struggled to do,

lasts about ten seconds. We weren't even doing it in time together.

So, essentially, the show will be two people

who are shit at a routine,

practising it over and over again in front of an audience.

That's like the beginning of my stand-up career.

Let's just dance, let's just dance. Dance.

Let's just party.

So, now, we've got however long we've got

until the performance to turn what is, I would say,

a disaster, into some sort of - not success -

just a situation where he can continue to go to school

without there being massive issues.

We've got about an hour.

There are going to be massive issues.

-Sean? We need to practise our routine.

-OK.

-Do you remember how it starts?

-Like...this.

-Step here.

-Yeah.

Then step here.

-Yeah.

-Then one step back, like the cross.

'When we were given the training,

'they did the bit where they all gathered around in a circle,

'and I was watching Sean, and I realised'

when he's doing that, that's when that little guy's free.

I don't think we're going to do well just doing that little routine.

I think we need to do what you do best.

-Random dancing, yeah?

-Yeah!

-But you've got to go really big, do you know what I mean?

-Like...

Yeah, even bigger than that.

OK, less...

Not as big as that, not as big as that, but that's good. That's good.

-We're going to do that, right?

-Yeah.

Forget the routine.

Just let the music take you.

And I'll follow you.

Boys and girls, we have a very special treat today.

We have Sean and his cousin Romesh.

They're going to teach us breakdancing.

-Who's excited for breakdancing?

-We are!

That's great.

Three, two, one. Go.

MUSIC: Lean Back by Terror Squad

# Throw your hands in the air right now, man

# Feel this right here... #

OK, Go crazy.

# We just pull up our pants And do the Roc-away

# Now lean back, lean back

# Lean back, lean back... #

What would you call that sort of dance that you both did today?

I don't think it has a name.

It's the physical movement equivalent

of speaking in tongues.

You know, the music just takes you over.

And you just go for it.

OK, everybody, gather round.

Basically, I have smashed today.

Three, two, one, pose.

He went into the classroom, impressed in front of his class.

High five, yo!

He's going to get so much action now, as a result of that.

In a few years' time, when it's appropriate.

By action, I mean...

Let's leave it.

I mean, like holding hands,

going to get an ice cream together or something...

Today, you know, nice location, in the middle of Toronto.

I've brought my mum here. She's in a good mood.

And it's good she's in a good mood,

because this is where I'm planning to leave her.

So, you're going to be all right for two days, yeah?

Of course I will be.

Make sure you ask uncle to get your phone sorted out, yeah?

I thought you are getting me a new phone?

No, but I think if you've got two days, you can ask him to get

you the phone, can't you?

I'm very excited. I've got a relative visiting who's taking me,

and me and him are going to hang out for a couple of days.

Who are you meeting?

He's a man with connections all around the world.

He's sort of like an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle,

wrapped in a weird-shaped box.

He says things that don't really make a lot of sense,

but he says them in a really cool way.

Uncle Rags, mate.

# Return of the Mack

# Return of the Mack Come on... #

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Oh, my God!

Hello! How's it going?

-You know Rags is coming to Canada, right?

-Huh?

-Who invited him?

-I did.

-Why?

-Rags is a legend. Everybody knows that.

Spending time with Ragu, you won't have time to spend

-with the other rest of the family.

-I will have time!

I'm going to go see them, but I'm just saying...

"OK, I'm here, bye!

"Uncle Ragu I have invited, and I'm going to spend time with him."

We're having a family reunion.

I've invited another member of the family.

And somehow I've done the wrong thing. HE MIMICS: What?

What? You invited family to a family reunion? You prick!

Rags has got a couple of days of cool shit planned.

-Do you know what he's got planned?

-Well...

I say cool shit, I use that term very loosely.

He's sort of, like, banging on about outdoorsy stuff.

All right, shall we do it?

-All right, so our plan is to take him to the wilderness, yeah?

-Yeah.

And then we'll see you at the reunion, yeah?

-Yeah, we have a reunion, Ragu.

-On Friday, is it?

-On Friday.

The whole family's coming. So, look after yourselves.

-OK, no, we will be fine. Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

See you, Mum. Love you.

-Ragu, see you.

-All right, take care. Good seeing you.

Look after yourself and look at you soon, OK?

-All right, let's roll.

-Bye.

You know what? We're not going to the wilderness.

-We're going to do something else.

-Are you serious?

I've got something planned for you. I never let you down, right?

# He's jus' a rascal

# He's jus' a rascal

# He's jus' a rascal

# Dizzee Rascal

# He's jus' a rascal

# He's jus' a rascal

# He's jus' a rascal. #

Remember that you wanted to break into the North American scene?

-Yeah.

-This is the Canadian on the net sort of TV station.

-Online TV?

-Online, online, that's it. Yeah?

-I managed to get them to interview you today.

-Oh, OK.

OK, so, you're going to be interviewed

-by a couple of ladies...

-About what?

-..who are going to be actually not

wearing any clothes. That's the only difference, right?

I'm going to get interviewed by two women

-who are not wearing any clothes?

-Yeah, have you heard of...

Yeah, I've heard of it, Porn Hub, yeah?

They're just not wearing clothes, that's all the difference.

It's a perv's... It's a perv's news thing.

We had this in the UK years ago. Topless darts.

You got me an interview with a perv network.

Rom, let me ask you this...

Basically, what I'm going to be doing is,

I'm going to be ruining some pervert's hard on.

Are you embarrassed about taking your clothes off,

-is that what it is?

-Yes, yeah, yes.

-Why?

-What do you mean...

-Hold on, what do you mean taking my clothes off?

-Action.

If you like people who make you laugh your ass off,

then stick around because I'm schmoozing

with BBC host and stand-up comic Romesh Ra...

Sorry. Rang... Rang...

Ranganathan, but it doesn't matter.

Say it however you want, I don't care.

Stick around, because I'm schmoozing with BBC host

and stand-up comic, Romesh Ra...

Sorry! Your name's scaring me.

That was really close. You got the first syllable,

and then it was just after that it became difficult.

-How was that?

-Well, how do you think it was?

It's insane. It's for perverts to watch the news.

WEIRD VOICE: I want to find out what's going on with Isis,

but I want to have an erection at the same time.

I'm schmoozing with BBC host and stand-up comic,

Romesh Ra-Rang...

Why did you put two dashes?!

Ran-ga-nathan, Ranganathan!

-But Ranga's one word.

-Well, Ranganathan's one word.

But you struggled with that, didn't you?

So we tried to break it up to make it easier.

And, still, you're still fucking it up.

The one thing I would say is I'm glad that I did go naked, in a way,

because I think, if you're sitting there fully clothed as a dude

and the woman's naked, that is truly exploitative.

Having said that, it was a horrible, horrible experience,

and I never want to do it again.

Stick around, because I'm schmoozing with BBC host

-and stand-up comic Romesh...

-Ranganathan!

Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Can we just have a five second interview with you?

-Pardon?

Can we just do a quick interview?

We always do a little chat afterwards, don't we?

I don't want to do a little chat, mate.

-Where the hell have you been?

-So, how did it go?

I'm so angry with you, I can't even begin to explain it.

Yeah, hopefully, mate,

I'm just hoping you appreciated what happened tonight.

Being one with nature, all right? So that was the lesson.

Sitting on the sofa with the naked girl?

Yeah, that is being one with nature.

I do not want any surprises tomorrow. OK?

Please.

Yeah, sure, mate. I won't stitch you up with anything.

Are we cool, bro?

-We're cool, yeah.

-I love you, man, seriously.

Cheers, Rom.

Thanks for the drink, man.

-How did you find out about this place, by the way?

-This place?

I've got friends, mate, everywhere.

Yeah, and they said to you good thing to do in Toronto,

get a can of lager and sit on a street corner.

Do you do this in the UK?

Yeah, you do it if you're homeless.

MUSIC: Welcome To The Jungle by Jay Z & Kanye West

# Welcome to the jungle

# Welcome to the jungle, well

# Yeah

# Welcome to the jungle

# Welcome to the jungle, yeah... #

Rags booked an extreme survival course where you stay overnight

in the woods having been shown some skills by these two weirdos.

Good day. Good day to you. How are you, mate?

Basically, they dump you in the woods

and you've got to fend for yourselves.

All right, follow me, we've got to go and survive.

Have you ever done any survival training before?

Yeah, it's one of my hobbies.

Yeah, I like to go every weekend and do some...

Oh, no. That's right, I've got a life.

Jesus!

-So, if the bugs really are tormenting you...

-Yeah, they are.

..you take these and you put 'em inside your shirt, like this,

and you wear them like that.

And they won't bother you at all.

Yeah, you look great, man.

See, we're surrounded by food here.

We're surrounded by things you can use to make shelter. Check this out.

Oh, hello!

Here's one I made earlier, huh?

Let me tell you something.

People survived here for thousands of years.

-Not in that, though, have they?

-Way worse than that. This is luxury!

All right, well...

Where are you going?

Are we going with you?

No, you're going to build your shelter.

And you need a fire.

For me, it's a piece of piss. No worries at all, mate.

You know, I've done this shit before, you know? All right.

We need to build this piece of shit.

All right, let me show you. You know, pick it up like this.

You're building the shelter with other parts of the shelter!

That's still the shelter!

Can't you see there's a hole in there?

You don't know what the fuck you're doing, do you?

Rom, let me show you. The shelter is over here.

So, what do you think this is, a naturally occurring mound?

Go and have a look in there, then come back and apologise.

Oh, shit! I know what you mean, man.

Oh, shit! Where's your campaign spirit?

This is the shittest thing I've ever done.

It's so crap!

Jesus!

Those guys are nice guys but I've got no interest in doing this.

Is the fire lit?

I gain no satisfaction from it.

I don't know why we've had this...

Shit!

Can we not just sack this off?

It's not up to me, it's up to Rags.

Yah!

Right we're going to get the crew some dinner. Will you be all right?

I'll be all right. I'm having a fantastic time.

(You're going to come back and I'll have killed Uncle Rags.)

And be sleeping beside his carcass like Luke fucking Skywalker, mate.

How are you guys getting on?

Great.

-Have you guys got food?

-We've got food for us, yeah.

Can't we have some of that?

Look, we've been bitten to shit.

We're staying the night.

I'm hanging out with Rags. We're having a good time, aren't we? Yeah.

Yeah, and we'd have had a better time if we'd have had some

drinks and a bit of food.

We're not going to ask for any more help.

Please, can we have some food and drink?

And we're not going to ask again.

And we might burn the forest down.

MUSIC: Livin' It Up by Ja Rule

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# We all my

# Uh, yeah

# C'mon, c'mon, uh

-# To everybody that be livin' it up, we say...

-What?

# And all my ladies that be givin' it up, ah

# What you do

# To everybody that be livin' it up, we say...

# What...

# Do I do...? #

Oh, fucking hell!

WOLVES HOWL

SLEEPING BAG UNZIPS

Ugh!

Oh!

HE GASPS

How was your sleep?

Shit, mate.

Hold on, you should be thanking me.

I let you sleep in our tent.

I am grateful, but it was still shit.

Rags, we need to get to this reunion thing.

How long do you reckon it will take us to get back to the car?

The next ten minutes, we should be there.

At the most, 20 minutes.

Are we going the right way?

I don't recognise any of this.

Do you?

I remember seeing trees like this.

You know, like, trees like that. I remember seeing them.

We're in a fucking wood!

We haven't got time for this shit.

Don't panic yet.

There's plenty of daylight left.

Daylight?! We need to be at the bloody reunion at one o'clock.

I don't give a shit about daylight.

We are actually lost here, aren't we?

Oh, my God!

I think we are in trouble, mate.

Look, if you've got an idea, please help me out, Rom.

I don't know what to do.

-Do you know where we're going?

-I know you're not going the right way.

OK, can you tell us which is the right way, please?

It feels cheating. It feels like we're cheating.

I...I don't care, mate.

-We're going to miss the reunion and then what happens?

-Right.

Fine, thank you. Which way?

This way.

Right, Rags, come on.

Mum is going to kick both our arses, you know that.

So, we've got out of the woods, I'm feeling euphoric,

but then Rags had one last shitty surprise.

It sort of...

How do you explain what happened next and make it sound normal?

What's going on? Oh, my God!

Get down on the ground!

Jesus!

Merry Christmas!

Oh, my God!

What... What would you call that?

I would call it a kidnap.

I've got to say, in hindsight, Rags' behaviour was unusual.

Come on, boys. What have we done? I want to know.

One of the things he said was, "We haven't broken any of your laws!"

I mean, it's not that...what?!

How do you think the police operate in this country, mate?

Argh!

Jesus!

Argh!

Fucking hell.

Surprise!

Ha-ha!

Hello! How are you?

What's happened?

Are you joking?

I thought you wanted to learn all the skills of surviving.

What skill is this, how to shit yourself while tied up?

..cking hell, mate.

You can't be upset with this.

What is wrong with you?

All this is about an experience.

Like, what if it actually happens in real life?

If it actually happened in real life, I'd still be tied up.

What have I learned from this?

It's fucking terrifying!

Yeah, that's what you've learnt.

Hope you're not upset with me, man.

No, no, it's great. Fun times(!)

So, you didn't like your uncle's surprise, then?

Do you know what a surprise thing is?

Somebody pops out of a cake on your birthday.

What a surprise isn't, is being bum-rushed and kidnapped,

thrown into the back of a van and then tortured in a hut.

That's not a surprise.

What, did he think I was going to go, "For me?!"

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Is that what you thought my reaction was going to be?

It feels like it's put a dampener on...

I swear to God, if you say the word "dampener"...

Oh, brilliant. We've basically missed the reunion.

I can't exactly tell my mum I've been kidnapped, can I?

I don't actually know what I'm going to do.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's Rom.

Hi, Mum. I'm so sorry.

I don't want to talk to you.

Mum, we got... I prom... We got lost.

I'm sorry. Were they pissed off?

Of course they are.

I'm really sorry, Mum.

Anyway. OK.

Goodnight.

See you in the morning.

-Goodnight.

-Night.

Are there tips you've got to see in Canada?

Yeah, there are a lot of places.

You can see, the summertime, the magic lights and, yeah...

What's the magic lights?

-Northern lights.

-Northern lights.

Oh, northern lights!

Yeah. It's a lifetime...

Once-in-a-lifetime that you should see.

I've never had experience, seeing it.

I heard people talking about it.

Would you like to see that?

Er... It's...

It's...

MUSIC: Cold As Ice by M.O.P

# You're as cold as ice

# You're willing to sacrifice

# You're as cold as ice... #

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

We are about to give my mum a treat, basically.

She's banging on about seeing the northern lights,

the magic in the sky.

So, basically, I've bought a 14-hour trip to a glacier

so we can try and see them.

Ta-da!

This is what we're doing today. Happy?

I'm still upset.

OK. Well, good. Thanks, Mum.

You're welcome. Any time.

I do feel guilty for missing the reunion.

I do feel really bad about that, so I'm hoping this is going to be

a lovely sort of end, and she's going to go,

"Oh, my God! I love you!"

That's good, isn't it?

I'm not talking to you.

Shanthi, he's been really good, right?

But he didn't turn up for that.

He understands the mistake, so...

Guys, come on.

Oh, shut up!

I mean, when I think about it,

it has actually been a pretty good week.

I enjoyed doing the dancing with Sean.

Actually, on reflection, I did enjoy my time with Rags.

You know, it was pretty crazy, what we did,

but it was pretty cool of him to organise that, and I did have fun,

but this isn't the ending I was hoping for.

Mum isn't being any nicer to me as we go up.

Pretty incredible, isn't it?

Don't ask me anything, OK? Shut up!

It is freezing cold. It's starting to rain.

-So, we wait.

-We wait.

-Yes.

And also, the guide has told me that...with the cloud cover,

there is actually a 0% chance of seeing the northern lights tonight.

Er...Mum?

-Mum?

-Yeah?

-I've got two things to tell you.

-Yeah?

The first thing is...I have known for a while now...

..that we have 0% chance of seeing the northern lights tonight.

So, why did you bring me here, then?

-Well, thing number two...

-Yeah.

..I've got to tell you...

Have you got chocolates?

What's that?

This is for you.

You bought me a phone?!

Yeah!

Oh! Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, thank you SO much!

-And the best thing is...

-Yeah?

-Check this out.

-Yeah.

The northern lights.

Oh, my God!

It's beautiful, Romesh.

It's like someone dancing, isn't it?

Oh, my God! Is it actually happening?

No, I'm just... SHE LAUGHS

Thank you so much. I forgive you, Son.

-Happy?

-I'm happy.

-Let's just get the shit out of here now.

-OK.

I mean, I could have just bought you the phone in Crawley.

-BOTH:

-# Hate the van, hate the van.

# Oh, we hate this shitty van! #

We're sort of heading all over the Deep South

and this is where we meet my younger brother, Dinesh.

He's younger, better-looking, slimmer.

-It does bother you.

-It doesn't bother me.

You don't believe in him.

I DO believe in him. He does exist. He's not Santa!