Episode 5 Common Sense

Great Britain. The Queen has become the first British monarchy to reach

her sapphire Jubilee. She's been on the throne for 65 years. First

monarchy ever. The longest reigning monarch. The only thing Prince

Charles is going to get at this rate is the shortest rain ever. Hackers

threatening to leak back's personal e-mail... I expected nothing less.

Who in their right mind would blackmail golden balls? Marine Le

Pen has laid out her vision for the country if she wins the up coming

presidential election. She's started her campaign for the French general

election. We've had Brexit here, are we going to get Frexit? Trump

continued his criticism of around saying on Twitter the country was

playing with fire. He tweeted, what is our country coming to? President

Trump has taken to Twitter. He says he doesn't know President Putin, he

has no deals in Russia but the "Haters" are going crazy. You can do

more damage with words. Just say, we need your fine, we'll give you the

nuclear codes but we need Joe Fanning. You can do less damage with

the nuclear codes than the mobile phone. He is upsetting everyone. If

he ever did launch a nuke, he would just tweaked, just launch nuke. --

he would just tweet. This one is ?25. I might do you a discount if

you buy more than one. They are market traders. Frank has just

returned from a two-week cruise in the Caribbean. The best part of my

holiday was the food on the ship. Going down every day to dinner,

seeing different menus being served a la carte. The nearest cart I've

been to is the one I push up and down this road! You've got to stop

shaking! I think last night I had a bit too much to drink! It's been a

difficult week for Nigel Farage. There's a picture here of this

childish dimwit holding up his silly signs. First he was humiliated in

the European Parliament. He doesn't even know there is a sign behind his

back. Then the mail on Sunday run a bold exclusive suggesting he was

sharing his flat with a foxy French friend, 15 years his junior. Nigel

Farage has been sharing his bachelor pad with a glamorous French

politician, who is being probed over illegal funding of the party. She's

not a bad looking bird as it happens. Grainy paparazzi photos

captured them leaving the flat at different times the following

morning. He's shacked up with her. I've seen that. I wonder if she's

going to remain? She will, went she? ?4 million house. It depends if he

is giving her the single market! Did you see that idiot Child MEP in the

European Parliament the other day, with his silly sign next Nigel

Farage? He rejoices in the title of, what is it, the climate change

spokesperson or something for the Labour Party. Absolutely pathetic

behaviour. He is a London MEP. It embarrasses us all. When I saw it I

thought, it's going to be the French or the Germans, someone who is a bit

disgruntled we are leaving the EU. When I realised it was one of our

own, I thought it was a disgrace. I'd seen how our people behave in

the house of parliament. I've watched one or two debates. The way

they carry on, the way they heckle each other, the way they disrupt

each other's conversation. I find it disgusting. It looks as if Europe is

no better. Nigel Farage will have enjoyed the fact that person did it

because that makes in global news. You know what, it plays into his

hands. He loves it. Look how ridiculous these people are, these

remain. And do you know what, they aren't British. They're not British,

no. Can you go? I can't go. He's been shacking up with this other

bird. Well, have you seen this other bird? She ain't a bad looking sort,

is she. 15 years his junior, right. What a sort. He comes out and he

says, I've known her for years. She doesn't trust anyone in London. She

asked for a place to stay. It's totally platonic. If he's getting

some, surely there's hope for all of us. He's no van Gogh, is he? You

know what makes me laugh? He's married to a German woman. He

sharing a house with a Frenchwoman, but he wants to leave the EU. How

does that make sense? He'll be lending money off a Greek woman

soon! This week the daily Mirror ran without revealing exclusive about a

shocking plot to extort money from David Beckham. I think

cybercriminals have hacked into his e-mails and blackmailing him. And

Good Morning Britain made headline news. E-mails were released to the

media after an alleged blackmail attempt on his PR team.

Cybercriminals said to be using Russian service, it doesn't mean

they are Russian. He's used the C word! Really?! Yes. It looks like

he's only doing charity work to further his campaign for a

knighthood. The firm refused to pay nearly ?1 million to the hackers.

That's a lot of money but it's not much to him. You can't pay it

because then everyone will come begging. He's gone from one extreme

to the other. One minute he's on a pedestal, the other minute we hear

he's swearing at the committee who choose who gets what. So he was up,

he went down. And then you get another report saying that he was

blackmailed. These people know what they are doing. The people who have

been hacked or the PR company who represents David Beckham. They know

how to manage a crisis. What they'll do, on Friday Belsay actually, did

you know the back and is paid ?22,000 a day in tax? -- on Friday

they will say. That's like a year 's salary! The next day we hear about

him being bribed the ?1 million and he's been calling everyone the C

word. What is going to happen next? He'll get knighted. After he's done

all that he'll get knighted. They've been playing us, the PR team. I

should be Max Clifford. Well, not exactly Max Clifford. He deserves a

knighthood! That's what he believes in any way. Blimey. He can't

understand why he hasn't got one. He's been on Desert Island discs,

I'd have thought that was enough anybody really. All the way, all the

way. He looks like a night. He acts like a night. He might not sound

like a knight... I can overlook that. Calling them a bunch of Cs is

a bit much. He's got an OBE, what more does he want? Don't you think

people get hung up about the C word? You can talk to people and they say,

I do mind swearing but I don't like the C word. I think it is an

underrated word. It does hit the spot. He's probably hot-headed and

said something angry. Look at the rest of the public, they get angry

and savings. You know? Look at us, when we get angry we say things. We

don't really mean it but we say it. And then we regret it. You can't

make him look bad, even on a bad day he's going to look great in his

Brylcreem, here, stubble... Any haircut he pulls off. That's why he

has nothing to worry about. He's got an impeccable jawline. I think the

beckons, to give them their due, they are not a talented couple in

any way. But they've obviously been quite clever the way they've managed

their image and the way they promoted their businesses, because

they earn such an enormous amount of money. One must admire that, loss

one? I don't know about admire... Well, respect. No admiration, no

respect? What comes, envy and hatred? LAUGHTER Guess who I'm going

to see? Celine Dion! I'm over the moon! Good friends Jonathan and

Johnny have known each other since school. Both work for different

branches of a well-known supermarket, and take their weekly

games of dominoes very seriously. Do you know what I always wanted to go

and see? Tina Turner. I'd love to have gone and seen Tina Turner but I

never did. I absolutely adore Tina Turner. I love her. I love Tina.

Absolutely. # Rolling on a river #

I've seen them using a computer. They're quite clever. This

particular one, it could do sums. This week press reports included an

extraordinary and curious photo that showed how modern technology is

helping in courage breeding of captive apes. NEWSREADER: The zoo

keeper will show them different pictures and they will swipe left or

right. It's like Tinder the apes. They all look the same! I can't

think what they are looking for. Animals mines are different to ours,

aren't they? I mean, they can't touch them or smell them... I wonder

how they identify each other? Licking each other's eyes. They've

got big soppy big eyes. -- looking in each other's eyes. They see

something... He goes, I like the red bomb. So they double-click on the

red bum. Swipe left is rejection, swipe right is accepted. I've not

used Tinder. In our days it was different. You'd meet somebody

face-to-face, if you liked them, that was it. There was none of this

going around meeting of the girls and other guys. Look at us, look how

we met. We met here. We met in the launderette and now we're married!

Have you never used Tinder? You hear those stories, when they're not the

same person as they are in the picture. Catfish? Yeah. Are you an

Tinder? People show pictures and if you want to go out with them you go

from left to right, if you don't, you go from right to left. Good

heavens! You know a lot about this! There's no romance. Romance is dead.

It's gone backwards. It's very primal. It is, I like the look of

you and what your body has got going on. I wouldn't mind a slice of that.

You know what I mean? Put your electric blanket on, I'll see you in

20! That's really, really erotic! You worked with him? Yes, I worked

with him, I had just left school, and he was 17. Did you like him

straightaway? Yes. Otherwise I would not have gone out with him! . Would

you go on, seriously check how many people is on this planet? The only

reason is, I'll find a girl that panics, she'll think, I'm not going

to find anyone, so I'll just settle for that creep! Drink up and I will

get the next one. So I need to look out for a girl that's Anichebe. You

mean vulnerable. It's nice and warm anyway. It's quite nice out there,

isn't it? Keen keep fit fanatics, all three of them are great

grandmothers. I like your scarf. Alice and Sheila both married

sailors. Phyllis met her husband at a rubber belt factory in 1952. This

is a spongy one. It's lovely. Is it? We'll have that one, then. Do you

want a drink? Go on, then. I'll have two, please. Are you all right? The

papers were full of reports this week that Donald Trump's

controversial travel ban was to be blocked following a ruling by a US

district judge in Seattle. He's doing his job, he's holding up the

American constitution. The executive order preventing people from seven

million Muslim countries travelling to the United States IS

unconstitutional. Donald Trump described the ruling as ridiculous

and has promised to overturn it. You can't change the law that been there

for 230 years! George Washington would turn over in his grave! Just

cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something

happens, blame him and court system... Someone says, he's willing

it to happen, just to say, I told you so. No-trump, and OK Kaikai,

best placard I saw was fragile, racist, sexist, Nazi... What do you

mean? It's the rhyme off Mary Poppins, isn't it? I know that, but

what you mean, what is it about, Trump? Yes. About three weeks ago,

that man stood with his hand on the Bible, saying, he's going to uphold

and defend the constitution. And now he is challenging that same

constitution that he said he would uphold. He thinks, a bit of power in

the White House, reality check, isn't it? Definitely. Like a slap in

the face. He wants to do what is right for the American people, he

does not give anything about the constitution. You have got to do it

within the law. I think he's quite strong minded man and I don't think

he takes no for an answer. Just in case you get a lunatic in the White

House, so you'd have someone who you could control, you know what I mean?

They have certainly got a lunatic in him, because he's upset everybody.

That's what he's saying, he's not defending the constitution, he stood

in front of all those people, the biggest crowd in American history,

LOL! And now they're saying, he is not defending it, he's basically

doing what he wants with it. It's ironic that that judge won't have a

job for much longer. His credibility has gone down the pan very fast.

America will follow suit. We'll wait for the next instalment, it's like a

soap opera, isn't it? Yes! Yes, nice cup of tea for you. This week, there

was a helpful report in the papers and online. They're always talking

about sex, aren't they? It proved that for women over 50, the key to a

good night with your partner is to sleep more. My Mrs slips for 16

hours, so I'm going to be in for a rough time later! Makes me laugh,

though, this, because that's everyone's excuse, I'm too tired.

All they need now is another study to say actually, people perform

better in sex when they've got a headache, and then they've covered

all bases, haven't they? Getting up at six in the morning. Even less

sleep! Yes, obviously! Men like sex, you know, so do women. But I think

men like more than women. Do you reckon? I think men like sex more

than women. No, I think it's both compatible. Women are always tired.

But women need rest. You can't just jump right in there and do what

you've got to do and walk away. You need a bit of rest, a bit of love, a

bit of intimate time, not just what men want all the time. Men and women

are different. Women will just use this as an excuse because women only

want sex when they're drunk, it is like a kebab, you only want want

want when you're drunk. Like a social smoker? Yes. I'm hoovering,

and cleaning, I even cook, while she's resting. But she still goes,

I'm tired. If she was to wake you up over sleep... You're the worst

person in the morning to be talking to, you're not a morning person. I

don't talk to you in the morning, so how do you know? Exactly, that's why

I don't bother myself waking you! Do you think some women need rest, and

then...? And then have sex? May be the following day, when they feel

like it, but but what happens if they're tired the following day? Do

you not think sleep is important to a mature woman of that age? Sleep is

important to anybody, mate. Not just for your sex life, for everything,

make. But do you think somebody should tell these women that once

they die, they sleep for a very long time? Please me a capacity? Morty,

for? These two have known each other since the 1970s. They enjoy dining

together once a week in London, something they have done for the

past 16 years. Occupational hazard, isn't it, tea for the vicar. This

week, the papers reported on a survey which found Brits spend the

equivalent of 52 days of their life in a queue. Week you to go in a

queue. Queues never bothered me. It is the people that cushion that

bother me. I reckon in Morrisons, if people get their pension, they will

not queue a lot in there. I just go to the Post Office, and then I'm out

in two minutes. I don't mind queueing because I'm British and

civilised. I don't mind queueing as long as it's not too long. But I

hate people who don't queue. Honestly, it's just infuriated. I

think English people we like queueing in a sense because we like

order and we like dignity. We don't like MLA, and pushing and shoving.

No queueing, no frowning, no aggro. And make sure you move along? Do you

know what I mean? In an orderly manner. I think we like to queue so

much, sometimes we do it without even knowing why we are chewing. You

see a queue and everybody just joins it. The people who go to the Post

Office, in the queue for 20 minutes, and say, can I have one first-class

stamp, please? Instead of buying a book of six, because it would save

you having to put yourself through this experience? But I don't need

six! You're going to need them again, aren't you, save them till

Christmas?! In England, people get really mad if people push into the

queue, because it undermines orderliness and fairness. Abroad,

they don't mind at all. Abroad, they will push you out of the way, they

won't queue! They're terrible for that! They will, they'll push you

out of the way! They ain't got it in them. That little bit of class that

we have. I look round at ladies, who speak in queues. They'll say, excuse

me! Excuse me! And sometimes they'll speak for you, if somebody's pushing

in front of you, the lady will say, excuse me, he was here first! I like

that, I really like that. Men are awful for queue jumping. They'll

say, I didn't know there was a queue! I think we would have had

revolutions on the streets if we didn't love queueing. Instead of

making barricades, we'd four you. It's the whole basis of English

history, the queue. The reason we've only had one revolution. That's

lovely, thank you very much. All the best, bye. Married butchers Michael

and dawn have been supplying the community for more than 22 years.

You're not going to spoil these stakes, are you? Do you know how to

cook them?! Brilliant. So what are you having? Short and

round, please. Just like my ex. This week, we saw images of a bedraggled

looking Johnny Depp. It is terrible. In an illuminating report, it was

suggested that the star was on the brink of financial ruin. $30,000 on

wine alone each month. Is that red or white? On ITV, they marvelled at

his extravagant lifestyle. He spends ?1.6 million each month, he owns 14

homes and spent ?2.4 million to shoot Hunter as Thomson's Ashes into

space. Whose Ashes were they? There were an author's. Johnny Depp is

living beyond his means. Oh, yes. Well, if he will insist on spending

?2.5 million flying your dead friend's Ashes, I suppose it's not

surprising thank you very, really. Not surprising if he does a thing

like that. What's the point? It would be very interesting how much

cash was in there. Obviously, just to fire ash... How big was the

fella? He must have been about 35 stone! I wonder what was in him, to

do a thing like that? He must have had a mad moment! He must have!

Blowing him out of a cannon! Yes. To infinity and beyond! Johnny Depp is

blessed. He's one of the most talented, finest actors this

century, no doubt about it. The man has got a gift. But unfortunately,

we go back to simple basics, like my late father taught me, God rest his

soul. If you've only got 10p, you can't spend 20. Apparently, that's

what he's doing, but it's not 20p, its $30,000 he's spending a month,

on wine! He must be having a good time! Must be some great wine. I

would not know a good wine from a bad one, would you? I get a bottle

of, visit Echo Falls? Yes, I get that one. I think the most expensive

wine I bought was ?6. I wouldn't mind having dinner with Johnny Depp,

if all his bottles cost $1000, I'd be quite happy to try his wine. But

I would insist that if I died at the dinner table, I do not want to be

fired out of a cannon at my funeral! Are you a burner, or a burier? I

don't really mind, as long as I'm kept together for the resurrection

of the body!