Museum Piece Dad's Army


Museum Piece

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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'May 15th, a special day for the citizen army, the LDV!

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'Though it's only a few days since they answered their country's call,

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'after a brief inspection the men prepare an ambush for enemy armoured cars.'

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CINEMA AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

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'Shortage of weapons is no handicap.

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'Whatever can be used to harass the enemy is pressed into service.'

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CRUNCH

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AUDIENCE LAUGH

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'Veterans of many campaigns, now they are fighting for their homeland. They know every street, every bush,

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'and every inch of their own country.'

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'For strenuous exercises like these, the men must be really fit.'

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AUDIENCE LAUGH

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'Of one thing we can be sure...

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'If Hitler tries his tricks here,

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'Britain's Local Defence Volunteers won't be caught with their pants down.'

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# 'I saw you in the light of seventeen candles... ' #

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He's ages late, ain't he? Perhaps yesterday's LDV manoeuvres were too much!

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Like kids playing soldiers. "Let me tell you..."

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Morning, Miss King. Morning, Pike.

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-Has Mr Mainwaring signed the reconciliations?

-The out tray, sir.

-Would you get his mail, Pike?

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-Oh, Lord...!

-Morning, Pike!

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-Dear, oh, dear!

-We're not spreading alarm and despondency are we?

-It doesn't look good, sir. Have a look.

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-Oh, dear, it doesn't.

-I think General Galt is letting the Boche extend his lines of communication,

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-then BANG! Right in the underbelly.

-Funny - someone told Mrs Pike that.

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That sounds like a case of careless talk, to me! Sit down, Wilson.

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-Thank you, sir, very much.

-I wanted to chat about those manoeuvres.

-Yes.

-We learned lessons.

-I'm sure.

-Yes.

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-But we didn't get the unthinking obedience of an efficient fighting unit.

-Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.

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-I would! When I ordered them across the river, did I get unthinking obedience?

-Perhaps some did have...

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-a thought about it, sir.

-Precisely. And put it into words!

-Did they?

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Unless I misheard, when I gave the order, someone said, "Get stuffed!"

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Er, probably that bolshie Scotsman, sir.

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-It was an English voice.

-Yes, well,

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he's very crafty, sir, you know. Very crafty... I'll watch him, sir.

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-The point is this - nobody crossed the river!

-Yes, well, I...

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-Some of us had on our best clothes.

-It wasn't YOUR best suit.

-It was my father's. I'm rather attached to it.

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-Pike did attempt, and fell flat on his face, of course.

-I would have welcomed some co-operation from YOU

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-as second in command.

-I was first to cross the bridge.

-I explained it was demolished.

-But it wasn't, sir!

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-You're supposed to PRETEND it was demolished.

-We all PRETENDED it was.

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We just used it to help us pretend that we were crossing the river... You see? ..without getting wet.

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I'm sure, sir, with uniforms, you can send us charging through every river in the county with impunity.

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-I'll remember that, Sergeant.

-Any news of the uniforms, sir?

-Another six weeks at least. And the rifles.

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I see. Six weeks. Until then, we fight Hitler's parachutists

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with a shotgun, 15 carving knives,

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and Lance Corporal Jones' assegai.

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You're forgetting Bracewell's No.3 iron.

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I think he'd do rather better to take a wood, if you ask me.

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-Here's the post, sir.

-Oh, thank you, Pike.

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-Well! You survived your ducking.

-Yes, sir. At home, I wallowed in a hot bath.

-Wallowed?

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-That's not very patriotic. You're only allowed six inches of water.

-I worked it out.

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7 6-inch baths a week means 42 inches of water. I do better!

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With 2 15-inch baths I save 12 inches!

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-Save your mathematics for your work, Pike. That's all!

-Yes, sir.

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-Oh, dear!

-What's that, sir?

-Account closed for the duration.

-What one?

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The Peabody Museum Of Historical Army Weapons. The curator's joined the Navy.

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It's closed down. We're to transfer the funds to a deposit account.

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-Make a note, will you?

-Sir. What was the name of it?

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-Peabody Museum Of Historical Army Weapons.

-Right, sir. I'll see to it.

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-Excuse me. ARMY weapons?

-By Jove! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

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-I doubt it, sir.

-It may be of use.

-I wouldn't get too excited, sir.

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-Their chief exhibit is a full-scale replica of Boadicea's chariot.

-They go for the Crimean and Boer wars.

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-Surely such things are no use to US, sir?

-Nonsense! The rifle pattern hasn't changed since the flintlock.

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-What was Ladysmith relieved with?

-I really hadn't given it thought, sir.

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-Carbines! 303 carbines, or I'm a Dutchman.

-I'll attend to it.

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-I'll get it touch with GHQ.

-No! Wilson!

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We can't wait for bumph from GHQ. Before another dawn, the sky may be black with parachutists!

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We must have them today! ..PIKE!

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-Yes, sir.

-Go and get a handcart.

-Handcart, yes... Where?!

-A builder, grocer, Boy Scouts. Use initiative!

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-Yes, sir.

-Well, go on - move, boy.

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-Wilson. Parade the men at 1600.

-The shops don't close until 5.30, sir.

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-They can still be ready by 6.

-That would be

-1800,

-sir.

-Er, quite.

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-Right, 1800, then. Operation Gun Grab.

-I'll see to it, sir. Oh...

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If we just breeze along into this museum, take these guns, and, you know... Won't that be stealing?

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-There's a WAR on!

-I'm fully aware of it. Nevertheless, it is still stealing.

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I'm a commissioned officer. I shall requisition what I think fit to defend this town!

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Take this down, Miss King.

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Under the emergency powers vested in me by His Majesty the King, I, Capt George Mainwaring, hereby...

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# '..He adore that little king without a crown... ' #

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Oh, Mum, I wish you hadn't come here tonight. It makes such a fool of me!

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I'm not having you come home like you did on Sunday, wet through!

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Mr Mainwaring ought to be ashamed! Mum!

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Evening gents. And ladies! Ah! I got ten minutes before parade to show you a few essentials in short supply.

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Come here. Hair grips, chocolate biscuits... Oh, and elastic.

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How about that? Ooh, how much? Five bob a yard.

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It ain't been in the shops so long, you ladies must be getting desperate.

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Evening! Here, Mr Fraser, your chump chop. ..Here. I'll get the money in a minute.

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Mr Godfrey, here's your sausages. Thank you!

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What on earth is going on in here?

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Just distributing some essentials.

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Schweinhund Englander. Deutschland uber alles! Achtung!

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BANG!

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You fools! You're dead, every one of you!

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That is a German grenade.

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-Is it?

-I am a German paratrooper. And you are all dead.

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-Now! Why wasn't a sentry posted?

-The parade doesn't start for five minutes.

-Sir, we wasn't ready!

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-If you think the Nazi hordes will wait, think again.

-Mr Mainwaring, I won't have Frank getting wet again.

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-You're not wading through any more rivers?

-We may, if Hitler flings himself upon us.

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That's different. You expect it. But not just to please YOU. I'm surprised someone didn't tell you...

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They DID, Mrs Pike.

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-Shall I, er, get the men to fall in, sir?

-Thank you, Sergeant.

-..Would you mind sort of falling in,

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-in three neat rows? All right...?

-I'll be off, Mr Mainwaring.

-..Thank you very much...

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-(Don't be late tonight, Arthur.)

-Mavis, please, for heaven's sake.

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Everybody...? All right, squad, come on... Squad, atten-shun!

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Where's he GOT to, for...?

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Ah! The men are all present and correct, sir.

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-No, sir. Bailey's not present and correct, sir.

-Why not?

-I got him counting the coupons.

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Had I not done so, I would not also have been here present.

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-We always count coupons on Monday. Monday, sir...

-Thank you, Corporal.

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..or there wouldn't be no meat.

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-Stand the men at ease.

-All right, sir. ..Er, would you mind just...

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standing at...?

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-In the form of an order!

-Sorry, sir.

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Platoon...stand at EASE!

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Ah, that was VERY...!

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-But they ARE at ease, if you see what I mean, sir.

-STAND EASY!

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I won't beat about the bush, men. We'll requisition the arms we need

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-from the Peabody Museum Of Army Weapons.

-Permission to speak, sir?

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-Yes?

-They won't let you have nothing, sir.

-Why not? The museum is closed for the duration.

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-There's only some old fool of a caretaker.

-That's my father.

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Oh...

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Your dad?! Blimey, he must be getting on. What? He's only 88!

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Mind you, he was very young when he had me. He married again last year,

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for the third time. Between you and me, I think he had to.

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We shall put in an official requisition. Anyway, he's too old to stop us.

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He's very ugly when he's roused. Runs in the family.

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-There's no call for that! I'll have you for insubordination.

-That'll do!

-I'll fizz 'im!

-I think not.

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Well, he's had it for offal! I was only joking!

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Quiet in the ranks! ..Pike, got the handcart?

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-No, sir, but Henry'll lend his horse and milk float.

-Who?

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-Henry, sir. The milkman.

-Oh? Very generous.

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-He's come himself. He's over there.

-Ah!

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That's right, cock! See, Flash, my horse, he won't shift for no-one but me.

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Oh, I see. Capital!

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-Fall the men in outside. Quick march to the Peabody Museum.

-All right, sir.

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THEY COUNT TIME

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Squad...

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halt! Now, get into line, all of you men. Quick march!

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Left, left, left...

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Squad, halt!

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Get in line, all of you. Quick march!

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Left...left. Left, right, left.

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-Capt Mainwaring wants to know why there are so many hold-ups.

-It's our round. He stops at every house.

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Come on, Flash! Come on. I think something's upset him. See, I always carry a basket.

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Come on, Flash.

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Squad, halt!

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-Fall out! Sgt Wilson!

-Sir?

-Ring the bell.

-All right, sir.

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-I-I think it's stuck, sir.

-Well give it a jerk!

-A jerk, right.

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FAINT RING Blimey, look what you've done, sir!

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When my dad sees this, he'll go absolutely ber-esk.

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-Shove it back, Wilson.

-Yeah, do try and shove it back, sir, please!

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Ooh! NOW look what you've done, sir.

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Now, when he sees that, he'll go off properly, he will, sir.

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He'll get UGLY eh? Don't start, young Joe!

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-I hear someone.

-Ah.

-Better let me, sir.

-Carry on.

-Sir!

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-What you want?

-Hello, Dad!

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It's me, young Jack.

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Took you long enough to come round.

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-Don't be like that, Dad. There's a war on.

-A what?

-THERE'S A WAR ON.

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Oh. I wondered what the noise was. How's Elsie?

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-Well, it's her legs.

-Her what?

-HER LEGS ARE TROUBLING HER.

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They never troubled nobody else(!)

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Great fat, bulging things. Like an elephant!

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No need to get personal. We never done YOU no harm.

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-Never done me no good, neither.

-You never deserved none, you randy old drunk!

-Sh!

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INCOHERENT SHOUTING

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-Corporal!

-Well, sir...!

-I'll take over.

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-Mr Jones, I've come to requisition weapons.

-Who are you?

-Capt Mainwaring of the Swallow bank.

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-Captains don't manage banks!

-Anyone in town will tell you I'm manager. I'm now in command of...

-You liar!

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-I've used that bank for years. You never served me!

-I'm in my office.

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Afraid to show your face, eh? You won't get nothing here. Clear off!

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-Mr Jones! Open this door at once!

-There, sir. I told you he'd get ugly.

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-By the powers vested in me by His Majesty King George VI, I demand you open this door.

-That's no good.

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-He still thinks Queen Victoria's the king.

-Right! You asked for it!

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-Very well, men, we shall have to force our way in.

-SHOULD we, sir?

-As CO I'll take responsibility.

-Sir.

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Look, we found a scaling ladder. Round there they got battering rams, siege catapults...

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-Couldn't we catapult someone onto the roof?

-Are you volunteering, Godfrey(?)

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-I-I thought one of the YOUNG gentlemen might be suitable.

-Yes.

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Just as a last resort. Put it against the wall.

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-Now, then, Sgt Wilson, you will follow me.

-Right, sir.

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I shall lead the assault. The troops will follow

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Are you, er...? Are you all right, sir?

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Not very safe, is it(?)

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Well, what d'you expect? It's 300 years old!

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-Did you say there was a battering ram round there?

-Yes, sir.

-Right! Come on, men! Follow your commander.

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MUSIC: "In The Mood" by Glenn Miller

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Cha-a-a-rge!

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-Ch-a-a-rge!

-Cha-a-arge!

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Charge!

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LOUD THUDS

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-Against the wall, men!

-Take it easy.

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Huh!

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-Sergeant! Take the men up.

-Corporal, take the men up.

-Sir!

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Sorry, you'll have to have it cold!

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All right, everybody, stand at attention for the officer.

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Stand easy.

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Well, men, we've tried force. Now we're going to try cunning.

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The plan. We proceed to the museum. We conceal ourselves by the door.

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Then Private Fraser... disguised as an ARP warden,

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will knock on the door until that old fool... until Cpl Jones' father...answers.

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You'll tell him that he's showing a light. When he comes out to see where it is, we will go in

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-and shut the door behind us.

-Supposing he won't open it, sir?

-We must MAKE him.

-But we TRIED that.

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-Permission to speak, sir?!

-Yes?

-Show him half a bottle of whisky.

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-That will ameli-ate him and stop him getting ugly.

-I don't doubt it(!) Where do we get whisky?

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Hang on!

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There you go!

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-30 bob!

-It's only 15 in the shops!

-Yeah, but you can't GET it in the shops, can you?

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-Very well. Hand it over.

-Here, Taffy(!)

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It's OK, I'll put it on your account.

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Oh, yes...!

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-Don't look at it like that. Fraser!

-I cannae help it.

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-Don't drink unless you're forced.

-No, sir.

-Just show it.

-Trust me.

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Not a drop but in the line of duty, sir.

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-Remember, Fraser...

-Yessir!

-It's your job to keep old Jones occupied while we get the weapons we need.

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-We'll then load them on the transport. ..Pike, did you get the Scout cart?

-Yes, sir!

-Good...

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-Who is this?!

-Oh, the patrol leader, sir. He's gotta come.

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-It's more than his job's worth to let the cart out of his sight.

-I see.

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Synchronise your watches, gentlemen.

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The time is now...

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17... No. Ahem!

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19...

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The time is 9.15!

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That's two whiskers past Mickey Mouse's nose.

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If everything goes well, gentlemen, the platoon will be fully armed.

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# '..For a while we must part But remember me, sweetheart...' #

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Remember, men - keep well hidden.

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Fraser, tell him he's showing a light.

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No, no...

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-What d'you want?

-I'm an ARP warden. You've a light showing.

-I have not!

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-Come out, see for yourself!

-I'm not opening the door in my nightshirt.

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-Didnae know you had a door in your nightshirt.

-Ha, ha(!) You should be with ITMA(!) Buzz off.

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-What's that? Whisky?

-Aye. Just to keep the cold out. A nip now and then. Like some?

-I'll have a drop.

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-Ah-ah! You've got tae open the door and come out.

-Hold on.

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BOLTS RATTLE

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Where's the whisky?

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Ah-ah-at-at-at!

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-Now, where's this flaming light?

-This way. I'll show you...

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You look after the cart.

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-There's no light showing.

-Look there! Can you not see?

-No.

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I'm going in.

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I can't open the door!

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I'll get my death of cold!

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Ah-ah-ah!

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Flaming idiot, you are!

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I'll have to get in the lavatory window. Come on - give us a hand.

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-Sergeant, how about taking these halibuts?

-No, no, no.

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In any case, they're HALBERDS.

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Sir, what about this?

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"Elephant musket by Putt and Putt, Bond Street. 1835." If it killed them, it'll go through a tank.

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Don't - you'll break something.

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-CRASH

-Pike, put it away.

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Give it to me!

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Hey, come over here a minute!

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Here you are - a tin liberty bodice!

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It's a breastplate to protect the top. How d'you protect your BOTTOM?

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Don't turn your back on the enemy.

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Sir, sir! It's what we want. 303 carbines.

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-"Infantry weapons from the South African war."

-How many?

-It's empty.

0:24:060:24:11

-Empty?

-There's another notice.

-What is it?

0:24:110:24:15

-"Requisitioned by ENSA, March 5th, 1940."

-ENSA?!

0:24:150:24:19

-What on earth do ENSA want with rifles?!

-They have awkward audiences sometimes.

0:24:190:24:25

-All right, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir.

-Time to withdraw to base.

-Right, sir.

0:24:250:24:30

What's this? "Chinese rocket gun, 1901. Used against the Boxers."

0:24:300:24:37

Poor little creatures! They never paid heed to animals, east of Suez.

0:24:370:24:43

That'd liven up manoeuvres, eh? Here, what's this?

0:24:430:24:47

It's got a grenade thing on it. Ooh, those yellow fiends! That'd make a mess of you. Come on!

0:24:470:24:54

Steady!

0:24:540:24:55

-Now, don't push hard. I've gotta find something to stand on.

-Right.

0:24:550:25:00

-Oh...I've put my foot in something.

-Good!

0:25:000:25:04

-Oh, pull me back, pull me back!

-What is it?

-My foot's stuck down the whatsit.

0:25:040:25:11

Here... Oof! Get a hold of that. Go on.

0:25:110:25:15

FLUSH

0:25:160:25:18

That was very clever, wasn't it(?)

0:25:220:25:25

Well, it FLUSHED you out, didn't it?

0:25:250:25:29

# '..For a while, we must part, but remember me, sweetheart..' #

0:25:300:25:35

Ah! I've got it! You'd put the powder in there,

0:25:350:25:39

run it along there, and it'd fire each one in turn. Psshht! Here's the horn for the fuse powder.

0:25:390:25:46

Here's the spare rockets. They lit it here. Son, come here.

0:25:460:25:51

Get out your scout knife and unbung those ports. We'll get it working.

0:25:510:25:56

Right, General! Get unbunging. Listen...

0:25:560:26:00

-Corporal, Walker.

-Sir?

-Don't think initiative is unappreciated. That's the spirit to get Jerry on the run.

0:26:000:26:07

-But I do think this weapon's too antiquated. We'll send it back tomorrow.

-We don't have much else!

0:26:070:26:14

No, but even if you do get it working,

0:26:140:26:18

-modern warfare has progressed a little beyond the rocket(!)

-Sir.

0:26:180:26:23

-I think I'll have a talk with the men.

-Come on, everybody.

-Walker! Corporal! Leave that.

-Around here.

0:26:230:26:31

Well, men, as you know, GHQ will send weapons to us just as soon as they possibly can.

0:26:350:26:42

Meantime, we must exercise our own ingenuity.

0:26:420:26:46

I've an idea, an example of the sort of thing we need.

0:26:460:26:50

On the top of every hill we'll station large drums of old sump oil.

0:26:500:26:56

At the sign of an emergency, we'll spread this oil all over the road. Now, we can imagine the result.

0:26:560:27:04

-As enemy vehicles can't grip the road, the war machine will grind to a halt.

-Permission to speak, sir!

0:27:040:27:11

-Yes?

-Tin tacks! Why don't we all have packets of tin tacks to spread on the road?

0:27:110:27:17

-Yes! Punctured vehicles can't get far! ..Get all the tacks you can, Wilson.

-Permission to speak, sir!

0:27:170:27:24

-You can get 'em at Woolies.

-Are you going to requisition it again, sir?

0:27:240:27:30

-No, I think we'd better pay cash, Wilson.

-Ah.

0:27:310:27:35

We won't leave till we've made an effort to improve our own arsenal.

0:27:350:27:40

We'll set to and finish making these petrol bombs.

0:27:400:27:44

Now, Walker has sold us a very fine selection of empty wine bottles.

0:27:440:27:49

-Fraser!

-Aye, sir!

-You empty them. ..Corporal!

-Sir!

-You do the funnel.

0:27:490:27:54

-..Sergeant, pour the petrol.

-Right, sir.

-I'll do these cork-and-string fuses. We'll work in teams.

0:27:540:28:02

-When we get exhausted, the second wave will come in.

-Excuse me, sir. This petrol can is empty.

-Walker?!

0:28:020:28:09

..Ah, yes... See, sir, I had to use it in the car to get the bottles.

0:28:090:28:14

-Done it, sir.

-Oh, jolly good. ..Done what?

0:28:140:28:18

-Cleared the ports in the gun.

-Good.

0:28:180:28:20

-Powder's fizzing beautifully.

-Oh, really? ..Look! We must get our priorities... What?!

0:28:200:28:27

POPS AND WHOOSHES

0:28:270:28:30

Take cover! Take cover!

0:28:300:28:33

MORE LOUD WHOOSHES

0:28:330:28:36

Imagine those fireworks going off after all these years! Good Lord!

0:28:390:28:44

Yes. Damn clever, these Chinese!

0:28:440:28:47

Thank goodness they're on our side.

0:28:470:28:50

Subtitles by E Kane BBC Scotland - 1998

0:29:320:29:37

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