The Man and the Hour Dad's Army


The Man and the Hour

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our guest of honour,

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one of Walmington-on-Sea's most distinguished citizens.

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A banker, soldier, magistrate and secretary of the Rotary Club.

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A good fellow all round.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring.

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APPLAUSE

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Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen,

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when I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight,

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at the launching of Walmington-on-Sea's "I'm Backing Britain" campaign,

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I accepted without hesitation.

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-I

-have always backed Britain.

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ALL: "Here, here!"

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I got into the habit of it in 1940,

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but THEN, we ALL backed Britain.

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It was the darkest hour in our history.

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The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there,

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defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win.

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Here, here!

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The news was desperate, but our spirits were always high.

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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'The massive Nazi war machine is pushing its way across Europe,

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'laying waste neutral countries with a savagery unmatched in history.

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'When Hitler comes up against British troops,

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'it's a different story.

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'They fight him every inch of the way, giving as good as they get.

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'Is Tommy Atkins downhearted? We'll say he's not!

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'Why should he be with a leader like this?

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'To make Tommy's task more difficult, a new menace has been added to an already brutal struggle.

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'Parachutists trained to sabotage lines of communication.

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'And who knows? Even our own shores may not long be spared this, Hitler's latest trick.

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'We all have our part to play.

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'Every effort is being made to confuse the enemy.'

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CRASH! SPLASH!

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'So look out, Adolf. Every day, our defences are strengthened.

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'And if they do come, let's give them a sharp welcome.'

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AIR-RAID SIREN WAILS

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Ah, going home, are they?

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-Sir!

-Well done, Pike. By Jove, these things are heavy.

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The sand's wet, sir. If the tide had been out, it would have been easier.

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-They'll do. Don't take so long the next time.

-That's not my fault, sir. I had to pick the shrimps out.

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Ah, Mr Wilson. On there, please.

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It's a reasonable field of fire. It covers most of the High Street.

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Oh, yes, I think we can happily say that Jerry's parachutists

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will be dead as mutton from Stead And Simpson's to Timothy White's.

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We'd see the pavilion if that woman would get out of the phone box.

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It's Mrs Hoskins calling her sister.

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Let's hope Hitler stays his hand till Mrs Hoskins gets the pips.

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And until we get a machine gun.

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-Last one, sir.

-They're not high enough.

-There's no more sand, sir.

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-There's a beach full of it.

-The tide's in! The water's up to here. It went over my mum's wellingtons.

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Your mum's wellingtons are of little consequence

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when Europe is writhing under the Nazi heel.

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Mum won't see it like that.

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-We could get some more sand at low tide.

-Time is not on our side.

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How much copper have we got?

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-Copper?

-Yes, copper, pennies.

-About ten £5 bags.

-Go get 'em, Pike.

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Lay them out along here.

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I don't think we ought to do that, sir. It'll cause a penny shortage. It'll be inconvenient.

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-They'll have to bear it. There's a war on!

-Head Office won't like it.

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This is no time for red tape.

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At any moment, hordes of German parachutists may drop on us.

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They use disguises. They could come dressed as nuns, set up in that church and you'd never notice.

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-I

-would, sir. That's the Methodist chapel.

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-Two bags, sir.

-Ah, well done, Pike.

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The cashier says shall we open an account in your name and give you an overdraft?

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I'll talk to him later.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-See who that is, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

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-Pike, take this paper, lick it, and stick it in crosses on the windows.

-It's an Army dispatch rider, sir.

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-He's got a packet.

-Poor devil. Was it a sniper?

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-It's for you, sir.

-Ooh, ah! This is the moment I've been waiting for.

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Pipped them to the post, did I?

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I sent a letter to GHQ, asking for instructions in case of an invasion.

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-I told them I'd served in the last conflict.

-The Orkneys, wasn't it?

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I was a commissioned officer, Wilson, and I served in France... during the whole of 1919.

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-Yes, but the war ended in 1918!

-Somebody had to clear up the mess.

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-Where were you during the war?

-Mons, Gallipoli. I was a sergeant.

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Never mind that now.

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"Dear Sir, In view of the danger of enemy parachutists landing,

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"a force of local volunteers will be formed to guard strategic points.

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"This force will be the Local Defence Volunteers."

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-Miss King?

-It's Anthony Eden!

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-In person?

-On the wireless. They say it's important.

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INTERFERENCE

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'We want large numbers of such men in Great Britain, who are British subjects,

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'between the ages of 17 and 65 - 17 and 65.

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'The name of the new force will be the Local Defence Volunteers.

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'This name describes its duties in three words.

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'Here, then, is the opportunity for which so many of you have been waiting.

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'Your loyal help will make and keep our country safe.'

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Right! Let's go to it! Back to work, Miss King.

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We've got to set up an invasion committee.

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-Pike!

-Yes, sir?

-Whatever's the matter, boy?

-I feel sick, sir, licking all this paper.

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Now listen, we three are the invasion committee.

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-We appoint a properly appointed commander.

-A what, sir?

-Appoint a properly appointed commander - me.

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-..All right?

-All right.

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-You will be my second in command.

-Thank you, sir.

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What next? Means of conveying information to the public.

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An information officer will be appointed. Pike, that's you.

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The information officer will be supplied with a megaphone. ..Oh.

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Ah!

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-Hold that, Wilson.

-Yes, of course.

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Like that?

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You'll find that improvisation is the keynote to...

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-..success.

-Well done, sir.

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There's your megaphone, lad.

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You're to jump on your bicycle and go round the town delivering this message.

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"All local defence volunteers, report to the church hall at 6pm." Try that.

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(All defence...)

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Oh, come here. Let me show you.

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ALL LOCAL DEFENCE VOLUNTEERS

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TO REPORT TO THE CHURCH HALL AT 6 O'CLOCK TONIGHT!

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There we are.

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I don't know how you do it.

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History repeats itself, Wilson.

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Times of peril bring great men to the fore. Wellington, Churchill...

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-Al Jolson.

-Al J...

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# There's a boy coming home on leave

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# There's a girl wants him home on leave... #

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The meeting was for 6. It's 6.20.

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I could have had time for a round of golf...

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-Excuse me.

-Do you mind? We're waiting for the appointed commander.

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-I am the appointed commander.

-Oh, sorry.

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Ah, there you are, sir.

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-Did you get the enrolment forms?

-No.

-Had the police station run out?

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-I would have had to put in an application form.

-Why didn't you?

-They'd run out.

-Oh.

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-I got those, however.

-Paying-in forms?

-Don't keep putting obstacles in the way. Get the first man in.

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Would you mind stepping this way, please?

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-Wilson, come here.

-What, sir?

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I intend to mould those men out there

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into an aggressive fighting unit.

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I'll lead them, command them, inspire them to be ruthless killers.

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I won't get very far if you invite them to step this way!

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-It's quick march!

-Quick march!

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Not much point. I'm here already.

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-Name?

-James Fraser.

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-Occupation?

-I keep a philatelist's shop.

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-How do you spell that?

-S-H-O-P.

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S... Thank you very much(!) I imagine you've not had previous Army experience.

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-No!

-We can tell. Once a soldier, always a soldier.

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I'm a sailor. Chief Petty Officer, Royal Navy - retired.

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Sign there.

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Are you swearing?

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-I never said a word.

-You Army types. Swearing an oath of allegiance!

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Oh...yes, yes, of course. We'll do that later. Wait outside.

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The Boys' Brigade isnae in it(!)

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-Watch that man.

-Yes, sir.

-Bolshy Jack Tars.

-I agree.

-Next man.

-Right.

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Next one, please. All right, quick march!

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..Halt.

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-How do you do?

-How d...?

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Name?

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Godfrey - Charles Godfrey.

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-Occupation?

-Retired, but I was 25 years in the Civil Service.

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-Really? Indian or British?

-Civil Service Stores.

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Any previous military experience?

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I was in the sports department. That meant archery and air guns.

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Yes, well, no doubt your specialist knowledge will be of great use.

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-Sign there, would you?

-I'd love to!

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-Is that all?

-For the moment.

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-Don't I get a receipt?

-This is a fighting unit, not a dry-cleaner's!

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Do that, would you, please?

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I'm sorry. Right turn! Quick march! And just bear round to the right.

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-Evening, gents!

-Name?

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My card.

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"Joe Walker, wholesale supplier."

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I suppose you won't be with us long. You'll be called up any day.

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Oh, no, guv. I'm whatsitsname? Reserved occupation.

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-How do you work that out?

-I supply central supplies.

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-Any previous military experience?

-A girlfriend in the ATS!

-Sign here.

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Oh, by the way, any time you gents require anything, just give us a tip.

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-We'll bear it in mind.

-Right turn! Quick march!

-Pardon?

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-Right turn! Quick march!

-You might wait for the ink to dry!

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Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, halt, stand at ease!

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Evening, Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson. You know me.

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-Mr Jones the butcher!

-That's right, sir!

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-Isn't Mr Jones a little old?

-Old?! Who are you calling old?!

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Let me at those Jerry parachutists. I'll sort them out.

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-Keenness counts, not age.

-I'm as keen as mustard.

-Any previous military experience?

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Now you're talking. I signed on as a drummer boy in 1884.

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Later, I saw service in the Sudan, fought the fuzzy-wuzzies.

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Their great long knives zip you open. They soon know if you've got guts.

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The fuzzy-wuzzies were the only ones that could break the British square.

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Those Jerries couldn't break the skin off a rice pudding.

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They don't like the cold steel. They don't like it up 'em...

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Get him a chair, Wilson.

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-Do sit down, Mr Jones.

-They don't like it, you see.

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Thank you, sir. I'm not as young as I was.

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But that won't stop me being in there with bayonets, cold steel...

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-I think you've made your point. Sign there.

-Certainly, sir.

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When did you leave the Army?

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1915, sir! I was invalided out, sir. The old minces.

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-I couldn't focus.

-Presumably that's why you signed the table.

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I beg your pardon, sir.

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Right. Thank you, Mr Jones.

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-Oh, sir?

-Yes?

-There's...

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-There's a couple of pounds of steak, sir. Compliments of the house.

-Oh!

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-By the way, sir, what about my stripe?

-Your stripe?

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-I was a lance corporal for 14 years. Can I keep it?

-I'm afraid you can't.

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In that case, I'll keep the steak.

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Let's not be too hasty about this.

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-We shall be needing NCOs.

-Yes, sir.

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Jones's previous experience could stand us in very good steak...stead.

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-Oh, yes.

-Right. That's all...Lance Corporal Jones.

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Thank you, sir! Well, TTFN. About turn!

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Left, right, left, right, left...

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Can I do you now, sir?

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Yes, very good, very funny. Awfully good.

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Oh, we'll share this later.

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MAN SHOUTS >

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-Who's in charge here?

-I am. Why?

-Get this hall cleared out at once.

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-History is taking place in there.

-In five minutes, an ARP lecture is taking place in this hall!

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-I'll requisition this hall for military purposes.

-Too late, mate.

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It's already been requisitioned for the civil defence. Get them out.

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-You're asking the Army to retreat?

-You've had practice!

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-Stop.

-We don't want to get excited. I've got my job and you've got yours.

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If you want to carry on in this office, fine, but get this lot out quick sharp!

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-We've only enrolled four.

-We'll have to dispense with formalities. Get them all in here.

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-Right, come on!

-At the double.

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All right, gather round.

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Quickly, please. We all in?

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Now, men, you answered your country's call today.

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We're all here to defend our homes and our loved ones. I know you will not shirk that duty.

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With no guns, we are naked, but we have one invaluable weapon -

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-ingenuity and improvisation.

-That's two.

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I want you all to go to your homes,

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gather what weapons you can and come back here in an hour's time.

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From tonight, whatever the odds, we Englishmen...

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we British...

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we here are going to be able to say,

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"Come on, Jerry, we're waiting for you!"

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Don't forget gas masks. Dismissed.

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# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

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# Cheerio, here I go, on my way... #

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Squad, attention!

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Try to get it right. Stand at ease!

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Attention!

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All right, sir. The men are all ready for your inspection.

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Very smart, Corporal.

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..What's that supposed to be, boy?

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-You said tie a knife to a broom handle.

-I didn't say keep the brush!

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-You should've said!

-Insubordination. Take his name, Sergeant.

-Name?

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YOU should know. You've been my mum's friend since before I was born.

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Well, see it doesn't happen again.

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-Where did you get that gun?

-Eh?

-THE GUN, where did you get it?

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-It belongs to my friend, actually.

-I see...

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-He's got a friend...a gun!

-Yes, I can see that, sir.

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-I'm the officer.

-Yes.

-You're the sergeant.

-Yes.

-We ought to have that.

-I agree.

-Ask him for it.

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-It would have more authority coming from you.

-No.

-Right.

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Um, excuse me...

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-Mr Mainwaring would rather like your rifle.

-Who?

-Captain Mainwaring.

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-He can't have it.

-Godfrey, hand over that gun.

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-Why should I?

-Are you refusing to obey an order?

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We could have you shot for this.

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Tricky. He's the one with the gun!

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-Permission to speak, sir!

-Permission granted, Corporal.

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-Why don't we take it in turns to have the gun, sir?

-Excellent idea!

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-Draw up a rota. Put my name at the top.

-Well done.

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-That's looks formidable.

-I pull him in with that then gie him that.

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You needn't have bothered to dress.

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As a matter of fact, it's my wife's birthday. We're going out for dinner.

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-Do you think you'll be long?

-That depends on Jerry.

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-We don't want to interfere with... social arrangements.

-It's all right.

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-We haven't really been introduced.

-No.

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-May I introduce Captain Mainwaring? I didn't catch your name...

-Wilson!

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-What are you doing?

-I don't know. I thought he might ask me too.

-Oi!

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-Your wife's birthday today?

-Yes.

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-Got her a present?

-I haven't had time.

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Hang on. ..Hold that, Taffy.

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Anything there you fancy?

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I say!

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There's a nice little thing. 15 jewels, 18 carat, Swiss-made.

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Ten quid and it's yours.

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-That's extraordinarily generous of you. Thank you very much.

-Ta.

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Can I interest you? ..Thought not.

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Squad, stand at ease! Stand easy.

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Splendid turnout, men. Splendid.

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If in one hour, we can achieve this formidable fighting potential,

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think what we could do with a week's training.

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-GHQ are rushing weapons and uniforms down here.

-That's good!

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Meanwhile, time is not on our side. The enemy may strike tonight.

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-We must learn how to deal with it. Squat on the floor.

-At the double!

-How can they squat at the double?

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Now...

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Sgt Wilson has kindly drawn this representation of a German tank.

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I want you to observe the following points. Heavy armour at the front, usually four inch plating.

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40, 50 or 60mm repeating canon here. Heavy machine guns here and here.

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Light machine guns here, here and here.

0:22:180:22:22

High pressure flame-thrower here in the front.

0:22:220:22:26

And I'm told on very good authority two hand grenade throwers.

0:22:260:22:31

A formidable opponent, but we're going to tackle it.

0:22:310:22:35

-The question is - how?

-How about some sugar, sir?

0:22:350:22:39

-Sugar?

-Yes.

-How would you use it?

-Stick it in the petrol tank and the engine fizzles out.

0:22:390:22:46

-I see. A very good idea.

-Yes. Shall I apply for an extra sugar ration?

0:22:460:22:51

Yes, if it doesn't work, we can put the rest in our tea.

0:22:510:22:55

-How about some spuds?

-Spuds?!

0:22:550:22:59

Yes. You stuff one up the exhaust pipe and that stops gases coming out of the engine and the engine stops.

0:22:590:23:06

I see.

0:23:060:23:08

These Nazi tanks are equipped with very long, thin exhaust outlets.

0:23:080:23:14

We could use long, thin spuds.

0:23:140:23:17

-Charnock beauties are long and thin.

-King Edwards.

-What about a carrot?

0:23:170:23:20

-Shall I order potatoes?

-Yes.

-If it doesn't work, we can have chips.

0:23:200:23:26

Your suggestions have stimulated a very lively discussion, but today we'll concentrate on my methods.

0:23:290:23:34

Now, here are the weapons.

0:23:340:23:36

Blanket, tin of petrol, crowbar, petrol bombs and a box of matches.

0:23:360:23:42

Now, this is the procedure.

0:23:430:23:46

First of all, we take cover, concealing ourselves from the tank.

0:23:460:23:51

-Here, here.

-We hear the tank coming, and as it draws level,

0:23:510:23:56

the first man soaks the blanket in petrol and rushes towards the tank.

0:23:560:24:01

We need a tough, commando-like boy. Pike.

0:24:010:24:04

The second man will light the matches and set fire to the blanket.

0:24:060:24:11

-Sir, can I volunteer for that?

-Very well, Corporal.

0:24:110:24:15

-Do you think that's wise, sir?

-..All clear so far?

0:24:150:24:19

Fraser, you'll prise open the lid of the tank with the crowbar.

0:24:190:24:24

Walker will have bombs which will be pushed into the aperture.

0:24:240:24:30

-Any questions?

-What are you going to be doing?

0:24:300:24:34

I shall be observing from behind cover and deciding whether or not to send in a second wave.

0:24:340:24:41

Now, you must understand that the most important part of the whole operation is the decoy.

0:24:430:24:50

It is essential that one man draws the attention and fire of the tank gunners to him and away from us.

0:24:500:24:58

You'd better be the decoy. Bracewell - you, you.

0:24:580:25:02

Let's try it. Get your weapons.

0:25:030:25:06

Right, decoy, over here. You work over here in this corner.

0:25:070:25:12

Godfrey, you're in charge of the tank at the other end of the room.

0:25:120:25:17

Sgt Wilson will blow a whistle when we're ready.

0:25:170:25:21

-Sarge, can I put the petrol on now?

-This is a dummy run.

0:25:210:25:26

-Stand by!

-WHISTLE TOOTS

0:25:260:25:29

I-I say!

0:25:290:25:32

That's no good! Draw their fire. Do it again.

0:25:320:25:36

I-I say, you Fascist beasts!

0:25:360:25:40

-Where's the blanket?!

-Sorry, I didn't hear them coming.

0:25:410:25:46

Start again, start again.

0:25:460:25:49

-This time, make a noise like a tank.

-WHISTLE TOOTS

0:25:490:25:53

-Vroom, vroom...

-I say, you Fascist beasts!

0:25:530:25:56

Blanket! ..Right, set fire to it!

0:25:580:26:01

I can't get the matches to light, sir!

0:26:010:26:05

-Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

-Right, back to the start. Start again.

0:26:050:26:12

Here we are, sir.

0:26:120:26:13

Pike, take charge of the matches.

0:26:160:26:18

-All right, sir?

-I'll have the blanket, sir.

0:26:180:26:22

WHISTLE TOOTS

0:26:220:26:24

Vroom, vroom, vroom...

0:26:240:26:26

# We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line... #

0:26:260:26:29

Now, sir!

0:26:290:26:31

Walker, get the bombs in! Pike, light the...

0:26:340:26:37

FRANK! It's your bedtime!

0:26:370:26:40

Mum, I'm blowing up a tank.

0:26:400:26:42

You'll have to blow it up tomorrow.

0:26:420:26:45

Arthur! I'm surprised at you. You know what time he goes to bed.

0:26:450:26:49

Go along, Frank.

0:26:490:26:51

-Yes, go along, Frank.

-Mum!

0:26:510:26:53

-Will you be round later, Arthur, for your usual?

-Mavis...

0:26:550:26:59

Please! Later. All right, fall in.

0:26:590:27:01

A lorry! A lorry from GHQ, sir.

0:27:010:27:05

Ah, this is it, men! Our weapons and uniforms have arrived.

0:27:050:27:10

-Captain Mainwaring, sir!

-Yes.

-Just sign there, sir.

0:27:100:27:14

-Sergeant, get the men to unload.

-That won't be necessary, sir.

0:27:140:27:19

Your uniforms and your weapons.

0:27:190:27:22

-..Thank you, sir.

-Good Lord. Pepper.

-Pepper?!

-Pepper - enemy, for throwing in the face of. Five feet.

0:27:220:27:29

Perhaps not quite what we expected, but every weapon in our armoury is another nail in the enemy's coffin.

0:27:310:27:39

Hand out the armbands, Corporal. Sergeant, dish out the pepper.

0:27:390:27:44

Have it with you always. If you see parachutists, let them have it.

0:27:480:27:53

-That and the cold steel, sir.

-That's the spirit. We're making progress.

0:27:530:27:58

A short time ago, we were undisciplined. Now we can deal with tanks.

0:27:580:28:04

We could kill with our pikes and make them sneeze with our pepper.

0:28:040:28:08

Even the Hun is a poor fighter with his head buried in a handkerchief.

0:28:080:28:14

But remember, men, we have one invaluable weapon on our side.

0:28:140:28:19

We've an unbreakable spirit to win,

0:28:190:28:21

a bulldog tenacity that will help us to hang on while there's breath left in our bodies.

0:28:210:28:28

You don't get that with Gestapos and jackboots.

0:28:280:28:32

You get that by being British.

0:28:320:28:35

Come on, Adolf! We're ready for you.

0:28:350:28:38

HURRAH!

0:28:380:28:40

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