Museum Piece Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

'May 15th, a special day for the citizen army, the LDV!

'Though it's only a few days since they answered their country's call,

'after a brief inspection the men prepare an ambush for enemy armoured cars.'

CINEMA AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

'Shortage of weapons is no handicap.

'Whatever can be used to harass the enemy is pressed into service.'

CRUNCH

AUDIENCE LAUGH

'Veterans of many campaigns, now they are fighting for their homeland. They know every street, every bush,

'and every inch of their own country.'

'For strenuous exercises like these, the men must be really fit.'

AUDIENCE LAUGH

'Of one thing we can be sure...

'If Hitler tries his tricks here,

'Britain's Local Defence Volunteers won't be caught with their pants down.'

# 'I saw you in the light of seventeen candles... ' #

He's ages late, ain't he? Perhaps yesterday's LDV manoeuvres were too much!

Like kids playing soldiers. "Let me tell you..."

Morning, Miss King. Morning, Pike.

-Has Mr Mainwaring signed the reconciliations?

-The out tray, sir.

-Would you get his mail, Pike?

-Oh, Lord...!

-Morning, Pike!

-Dear, oh, dear!

-We're not spreading alarm and despondency are we?

-It doesn't look good, sir. Have a look.

-Oh, dear, it doesn't.

-I think General Galt is letting the Boche extend his lines of communication,

-then BANG! Right in the underbelly.

-Funny - someone told Mrs Pike that.

That sounds like a case of careless talk, to me! Sit down, Wilson.

-Thank you, sir, very much.

-I wanted to chat about those manoeuvres.

-Yes.

-We learned lessons.

-I'm sure.

-Yes.

-But we didn't get the unthinking obedience of an efficient fighting unit.

-Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.

-I would! When I ordered them across the river, did I get unthinking obedience?

-Perhaps some did have...

-a thought about it, sir.

-Precisely. And put it into words!

-Did they?

Unless I misheard, when I gave the order, someone said, "Get stuffed!"

Er, probably that bolshie Scotsman, sir.

-It was an English voice.

-Yes, well,

he's very crafty, sir, you know. Very crafty... I'll watch him, sir.

-The point is this - nobody crossed the river!

-Yes, well, I...

-Some of us had on our best clothes.

-It wasn't YOUR best suit.

-It was my father's. I'm rather attached to it.

-Pike did attempt, and fell flat on his face, of course.

-I would have welcomed some co-operation from YOU

-as second in command.

-I was first to cross the bridge.

-I explained it was demolished.

-But it wasn't, sir!

-You're supposed to PRETEND it was demolished.

-We all PRETENDED it was.

We just used it to help us pretend that we were crossing the river... You see? ..without getting wet.

I'm sure, sir, with uniforms, you can send us charging through every river in the county with impunity.

-I'll remember that, Sergeant.

-Any news of the uniforms, sir?

-Another six weeks at least. And the rifles.

I see. Six weeks. Until then, we fight Hitler's parachutists

with a shotgun, 15 carving knives,

and Lance Corporal Jones' assegai.

You're forgetting Bracewell's No.3 iron.

I think he'd do rather better to take a wood, if you ask me.

-Here's the post, sir.

-Oh, thank you, Pike.

-Well! You survived your ducking.

-Yes, sir. At home, I wallowed in a hot bath.

-Wallowed?

-That's not very patriotic. You're only allowed six inches of water.

-I worked it out.

7 6-inch baths a week means 42 inches of water. I do better!

With 2 15-inch baths I save 12 inches!

-Save your mathematics for your work, Pike. That's all!

-Yes, sir.

-Oh, dear!

-What's that, sir?

-Account closed for the duration.

-What one?

The Peabody Museum Of Historical Army Weapons. The curator's joined the Navy.

It's closed down. We're to transfer the funds to a deposit account.

-Make a note, will you?

-Sir. What was the name of it?

-Peabody Museum Of Historical Army Weapons.

-Right, sir. I'll see to it.

-Excuse me. ARMY weapons?

-By Jove! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-I doubt it, sir.

-It may be of use.

-I wouldn't get too excited, sir.

-Their chief exhibit is a full-scale replica of Boadicea's chariot.

-They go for the Crimean and Boer wars.

-Surely such things are no use to US, sir?

-Nonsense! The rifle pattern hasn't changed since the flintlock.

-What was Ladysmith relieved with?

-I really hadn't given it thought, sir.

-Carbines! 303 carbines, or I'm a Dutchman.

-I'll attend to it.

-I'll get it touch with GHQ.

-No! Wilson!

We can't wait for bumph from GHQ. Before another dawn, the sky may be black with parachutists!

We must have them today! ..PIKE!

-Yes, sir.

-Go and get a handcart.

-Handcart, yes... Where?!

-A builder, grocer, Boy Scouts. Use initiative!

-Yes, sir.

-Well, go on - move, boy.

-Wilson. Parade the men at 1600.

-The shops don't close until 5.30, sir.

-They can still be ready by 6.

-That would be

-1800,

-sir.

-Er, quite.

-Right, 1800, then. Operation Gun Grab.

-I'll see to it, sir. Oh...

If we just breeze along into this museum, take these guns, and, you know... Won't that be stealing?

-There's a WAR on!

-I'm fully aware of it. Nevertheless, it is still stealing.

I'm a commissioned officer. I shall requisition what I think fit to defend this town!

Take this down, Miss King.

Under the emergency powers vested in me by His Majesty the King, I, Capt George Mainwaring, hereby...

# '..He adore that little king without a crown... ' #

Oh, Mum, I wish you hadn't come here tonight. It makes such a fool of me!

I'm not having you come home like you did on Sunday, wet through!

Mr Mainwaring ought to be ashamed! Mum!

Evening gents. And ladies! Ah! I got ten minutes before parade to show you a few essentials in short supply.

Come here. Hair grips, chocolate biscuits... Oh, and elastic.

How about that? Ooh, how much? Five bob a yard.

It ain't been in the shops so long, you ladies must be getting desperate.

Evening! Here, Mr Fraser, your chump chop. ..Here. I'll get the money in a minute.

Mr Godfrey, here's your sausages. Thank you!

What on earth is going on in here?

Just distributing some essentials.

Schweinhund Englander. Deutschland uber alles! Achtung!

BANG!

You fools! You're dead, every one of you!

That is a German grenade.

-Is it?

-I am a German paratrooper. And you are all dead.

-Now! Why wasn't a sentry posted?

-The parade doesn't start for five minutes.

-Sir, we wasn't ready!

-If you think the Nazi hordes will wait, think again.

-Mr Mainwaring, I won't have Frank getting wet again.

-You're not wading through any more rivers?

-We may, if Hitler flings himself upon us.

That's different. You expect it. But not just to please YOU. I'm surprised someone didn't tell you...

They DID, Mrs Pike.

-Shall I, er, get the men to fall in, sir?

-Thank you, Sergeant.

-..Would you mind sort of falling in,

-in three neat rows? All right...?

-I'll be off, Mr Mainwaring.

-..Thank you very much...

-(Don't be late tonight, Arthur.)

-Mavis, please, for heaven's sake.

Everybody...? All right, squad, come on... Squad, atten-shun!

Where's he GOT to, for...?

Ah! The men are all present and correct, sir.

-No, sir. Bailey's not present and correct, sir.

-Why not?

-I got him counting the coupons.

Had I not done so, I would not also have been here present.

-We always count coupons on Monday. Monday, sir...

-Thank you, Corporal.

..or there wouldn't be no meat.

-Stand the men at ease.

-All right, sir. ..Er, would you mind just...

standing at...?

-In the form of an order!

-Sorry, sir.

Platoon...stand at EASE!

Ah, that was VERY...!

-But they ARE at ease, if you see what I mean, sir.

-STAND EASY!

I won't beat about the bush, men. We'll requisition the arms we need

-from the Peabody Museum Of Army Weapons.

-Permission to speak, sir?

-Yes?

-They won't let you have nothing, sir.

-Why not? The museum is closed for the duration.

-There's only some old fool of a caretaker.

-That's my father.

Oh...

Your dad?! Blimey, he must be getting on. What? He's only 88!

Mind you, he was very young when he had me. He married again last year,

for the third time. Between you and me, I think he had to.

We shall put in an official requisition. Anyway, he's too old to stop us.

He's very ugly when he's roused. Runs in the family.

-There's no call for that! I'll have you for insubordination.

-That'll do!

-I'll fizz 'im!

-I think not.

Well, he's had it for offal! I was only joking!

Quiet in the ranks! ..Pike, got the handcart?

-No, sir, but Henry'll lend his horse and milk float.

-Who?

-Henry, sir. The milkman.

-Oh? Very generous.

-He's come himself. He's over there.

-Ah!

That's right, cock! See, Flash, my horse, he won't shift for no-one but me.

Oh, I see. Capital!

-Fall the men in outside. Quick march to the Peabody Museum.

-All right, sir.

THEY COUNT TIME

Squad...

halt! Now, get into line, all of you men. Quick march!

Left, left, left...

Squad, halt!

Get in line, all of you. Quick march!

Left...left. Left, right, left.

-Capt Mainwaring wants to know why there are so many hold-ups.

-It's our round. He stops at every house.

Come on, Flash! Come on. I think something's upset him. See, I always carry a basket.

Come on, Flash.

Squad, halt!

-Fall out! Sgt Wilson!

-Sir?

-Ring the bell.

-All right, sir.

-I-I think it's stuck, sir.

-Well give it a jerk!

-A jerk, right.

FAINT RING Blimey, look what you've done, sir!

When my dad sees this, he'll go absolutely ber-esk.

-Shove it back, Wilson.

-Yeah, do try and shove it back, sir, please!

Ooh! NOW look what you've done, sir.

Now, when he sees that, he'll go off properly, he will, sir.

He'll get UGLY eh? Don't start, young Joe!

-I hear someone.

-Ah.

-Better let me, sir.

-Carry on.

-Sir!

-What you want?

-Hello, Dad!

It's me, young Jack.

Took you long enough to come round.

-Don't be like that, Dad. There's a war on.

-A what?

-THERE'S A WAR ON.

Oh. I wondered what the noise was. How's Elsie?

-Well, it's her legs.

-Her what?

-HER LEGS ARE TROUBLING HER.

They never troubled nobody else(!)

Great fat, bulging things. Like an elephant!

No need to get personal. We never done YOU no harm.

-Never done me no good, neither.

-You never deserved none, you randy old drunk!

-Sh!

INCOHERENT SHOUTING

-Corporal!

-Well, sir...!

-I'll take over.

-Mr Jones, I've come to requisition weapons.

-Who are you?

-Capt Mainwaring of the Swallow bank.

-Captains don't manage banks!

-Anyone in town will tell you I'm manager. I'm now in command of...

-You liar!

-I've used that bank for years. You never served me!

-I'm in my office.

Afraid to show your face, eh? You won't get nothing here. Clear off!

-Mr Jones! Open this door at once!

-There, sir. I told you he'd get ugly.

-By the powers vested in me by His Majesty King George VI, I demand you open this door.

-That's no good.

-He still thinks Queen Victoria's the king.

-Right! You asked for it!

-Very well, men, we shall have to force our way in.

-SHOULD we, sir?

-As CO I'll take responsibility.

-Sir.

Look, we found a scaling ladder. Round there they got battering rams, siege catapults...

-Couldn't we catapult someone onto the roof?

-Are you volunteering, Godfrey(?)

-I-I thought one of the YOUNG gentlemen might be suitable.

-Yes.

Just as a last resort. Put it against the wall.

-Now, then, Sgt Wilson, you will follow me.

-Right, sir.

I shall lead the assault. The troops will follow

Are you, er...? Are you all right, sir?

Not very safe, is it(?)

Well, what d'you expect? It's 300 years old!

-Did you say there was a battering ram round there?

-Yes, sir.

-Right! Come on, men! Follow your commander.

MUSIC: "In The Mood" by Glenn Miller

Cha-a-a-rge!

-Ch-a-a-rge!

-Cha-a-arge!

Charge!

LOUD THUDS

-Against the wall, men!

-Take it easy.

Huh!

-Sergeant! Take the men up.

-Corporal, take the men up.

-Sir!

Sorry, you'll have to have it cold!

All right, everybody, stand at attention for the officer.

Stand easy.

Well, men, we've tried force. Now we're going to try cunning.

The plan. We proceed to the museum. We conceal ourselves by the door.

Then Private Fraser... disguised as an ARP warden,

will knock on the door until that old fool... until Cpl Jones' father...answers.

You'll tell him that he's showing a light. When he comes out to see where it is, we will go in

-and shut the door behind us.

-Supposing he won't open it, sir?

-We must MAKE him.

-But we TRIED that.

-Permission to speak, sir?!

-Yes?

-Show him half a bottle of whisky.

-That will ameli-ate him and stop him getting ugly.

-I don't doubt it(!) Where do we get whisky?

Hang on!

There you go!

-30 bob!

-It's only 15 in the shops!

-Yeah, but you can't GET it in the shops, can you?

-Very well. Hand it over.

-Here, Taffy(!)

It's OK, I'll put it on your account.

Oh, yes...!

-Don't look at it like that. Fraser!

-I cannae help it.

-Don't drink unless you're forced.

-No, sir.

-Just show it.

-Trust me.

Not a drop but in the line of duty, sir.

-Remember, Fraser...

-Yessir!

-It's your job to keep old Jones occupied while we get the weapons we need.

-We'll then load them on the transport. ..Pike, did you get the Scout cart?

-Yes, sir!

-Good...

-Who is this?!

-Oh, the patrol leader, sir. He's gotta come.

-It's more than his job's worth to let the cart out of his sight.

-I see.

Synchronise your watches, gentlemen.

The time is now...

17... No. Ahem!

19...

The time is 9.15!

That's two whiskers past Mickey Mouse's nose.

If everything goes well, gentlemen, the platoon will be fully armed.

# '..For a while we must part But remember me, sweetheart...' #

Remember, men - keep well hidden.

Fraser, tell him he's showing a light.

No, no...

-What d'you want?

-I'm an ARP warden. You've a light showing.

-I have not!

-Come out, see for yourself!

-I'm not opening the door in my nightshirt.

-Didnae know you had a door in your nightshirt.

-Ha, ha(!) You should be with ITMA(!) Buzz off.

-What's that? Whisky?

-Aye. Just to keep the cold out. A nip now and then. Like some?

-I'll have a drop.

-Ah-ah! You've got tae open the door and come out.

-Hold on.

BOLTS RATTLE

Where's the whisky?

Ah-ah-at-at-at!

-Now, where's this flaming light?

-This way. I'll show you...

You look after the cart.

-There's no light showing.

-Look there! Can you not see?

-No.

I'm going in.

I can't open the door!

I'll get my death of cold!

Ah-ah-ah!

Flaming idiot, you are!

I'll have to get in the lavatory window. Come on - give us a hand.

-Sergeant, how about taking these halibuts?

-No, no, no.

In any case, they're HALBERDS.

Sir, what about this?

"Elephant musket by Putt and Putt, Bond Street. 1835." If it killed them, it'll go through a tank.

Don't - you'll break something.

-CRASH

-Pike, put it away.

Give it to me!

Hey, come over here a minute!

Here you are - a tin liberty bodice!

It's a breastplate to protect the top. How d'you protect your BOTTOM?

Don't turn your back on the enemy.

Sir, sir! It's what we want. 303 carbines.

-"Infantry weapons from the South African war."

-How many?

-It's empty.

-Empty?

-There's another notice.

-What is it?

-"Requisitioned by ENSA, March 5th, 1940."

-ENSA?!

-What on earth do ENSA want with rifles?!

-They have awkward audiences sometimes.

-All right, Sergeant.

-Yes, sir.

-Time to withdraw to base.

-Right, sir.

What's this? "Chinese rocket gun, 1901. Used against the Boxers."

Poor little creatures! They never paid heed to animals, east of Suez.

That'd liven up manoeuvres, eh? Here, what's this?

It's got a grenade thing on it. Ooh, those yellow fiends! That'd make a mess of you. Come on!

Steady!

-Now, don't push hard. I've gotta find something to stand on.

-Right.

-Oh...I've put my foot in something.

-Good!

-Oh, pull me back, pull me back!

-What is it?

-My foot's stuck down the whatsit.

Here... Oof! Get a hold of that. Go on.

FLUSH

That was very clever, wasn't it(?)

Well, it FLUSHED you out, didn't it?

# '..For a while, we must part, but remember me, sweetheart..' #

Ah! I've got it! You'd put the powder in there,

run it along there, and it'd fire each one in turn. Psshht! Here's the horn for the fuse powder.

Here's the spare rockets. They lit it here. Son, come here.

Get out your scout knife and unbung those ports. We'll get it working.

Right, General! Get unbunging. Listen...

-Corporal, Walker.

-Sir?

-Don't think initiative is unappreciated. That's the spirit to get Jerry on the run.

-But I do think this weapon's too antiquated. We'll send it back tomorrow.

-We don't have much else!

No, but even if you do get it working,

-modern warfare has progressed a little beyond the rocket(!)

-Sir.

-I think I'll have a talk with the men.

-Come on, everybody.

-Walker! Corporal! Leave that.

-Around here.

Well, men, as you know, GHQ will send weapons to us just as soon as they possibly can.

Meantime, we must exercise our own ingenuity.

I've an idea, an example of the sort of thing we need.

On the top of every hill we'll station large drums of old sump oil.

At the sign of an emergency, we'll spread this oil all over the road. Now, we can imagine the result.

-As enemy vehicles can't grip the road, the war machine will grind to a halt.

-Permission to speak, sir!

-Yes?

-Tin tacks! Why don't we all have packets of tin tacks to spread on the road?

-Yes! Punctured vehicles can't get far! ..Get all the tacks you can, Wilson.

-Permission to speak, sir!

-You can get 'em at Woolies.

-Are you going to requisition it again, sir?

-No, I think we'd better pay cash, Wilson.

-Ah.

We won't leave till we've made an effort to improve our own arsenal.

We'll set to and finish making these petrol bombs.

Now, Walker has sold us a very fine selection of empty wine bottles.

-Fraser!

-Aye, sir!

-You empty them. ..Corporal!

-Sir!

-You do the funnel.

-..Sergeant, pour the petrol.

-Right, sir.

-I'll do these cork-and-string fuses. We'll work in teams.

-When we get exhausted, the second wave will come in.

-Excuse me, sir. This petrol can is empty.

-Walker?!

..Ah, yes... See, sir, I had to use it in the car to get the bottles.

-Done it, sir.

-Oh, jolly good. ..Done what?

-Cleared the ports in the gun.

-Good.

-Powder's fizzing beautifully.

-Oh, really? ..Look! We must get our priorities... What?!

POPS AND WHOOSHES

Take cover! Take cover!

MORE LOUD WHOOSHES

Imagine those fireworks going off after all these years! Good Lord!

Yes. Damn clever, these Chinese!

Thank goodness they're on our side.

Subtitles by E Kane BBC Scotland - 1998