A Beginner's Guide Give My Head Peace

# With your bombs and your bullets and your goings on

# I'm right, you're wrong

# Too many mourning it won't be long

-# You can see it but I'll be gone. #

-MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS

Hello! And welcome to A Beginner's Guide to Give My Head Peace,

with me, Da.

Give My Head Peace without a doubt made my career.

It certainly taught me a lot!

And, erm, I had the best time of my life on it.

I loved the whole buzz of doing it

and the whole thing of being with the Hole In The Wall gang,

who are, even then, were really, really iconic.

You know, from 15 onwards, you know, I was watching this.

And because of the seriousness of Belfast,

it was great to have some Friday night fun, you know?

The newsroom, you know, serious journalists would say,

"Oh, I wouldn't watch that." Glued to it, glued to it,

because they had met those individuals in their walk of life.

Now, Give My Head Peace was a very serious political programme

that challenged British propaganda from a Republican perspective.

PHONE RINGS

Phone!

Somebody answer the ph... Sake!

Hello? Gerry!

Gerry, I've told you, will you stop worrying?

I'm just going to shake the man's...

HE SNIFFS ..hand.

And that'll be that!

Anyway, come on in and sit yourselves down,

and I'll make a wee cup of tea...

Oh!

SHE RETCHES

I don't mean to be rude, Ma, but that looks like a bucket of sh...

Surely to God he hasn't...

Several days' worth, by the looks of it.

What?

Why is there a bucket of...?

That's mine!

Don't be so bloody nosy.

I always knew he was full of it, but did he have to show us it as well?

I am, of course, the best loved character in Give My Head Peace.

Everybody adores me!

All right, Jimmy?

You didn't tell me that bollocks was in!

Ignore him. I always do.

You got something for me?

Sure, you can't even read, you beardy gobshite.

Let's get in the car and drive like frig!

-I'm coming, too!

-No, you're too heavy, you'll slow us down!

Excuse me, Da, there was more to Give My Head Peace

than you just making a tube out of yourself.

You don't respect me very much, do you?

Well, you're a painter.

Look, I'll tell you what,

we'll discuss it in the morning.

Shut up and sit down!

Excuse me! Is there a Catholic in the room?

There is now!

The whole thing started back in 1995,

with two ceasefires and a wedding.

When his stupid daughter married my even stupider nephew.

And your name is...?

HARP MUSIC

Emer.

That's a beautiful name.

-Emer.

-What's your name?

Billy.

I think I'm in love with you, Emer.

I love you too, Billy.

When I first came across Give My Head Peace, I thought,

these are vastly overdrawn characters, one-dimensional,

in, you know, pantomime,

farcical situations.

And I loved it immediately.

Mammy, Daddy, this here's Billy.

Cal! It's a peeler!

Quick, where's my gun? Where's my gun?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

What did Gerry say?

"The gun is now out of Irish politics."

When Billy's introduced to the Catholic family

in his police uniform...

How do you do?

VASE SMASHES

Sorry, force of habit.

Nobody had done that before.

I was out of the chair and on the carpet.

When Emer left Billy, he was devastated.

I knew he'd never get over it.

I'm an empty shell without her.

I'm never going to look at another woman.

-Who's that, Ma?

-There is no point in you moping about, Billy.

-You'll never find somebody...

-Well, hello.

Hiya.

-Who are you?

-I'm Dympna, Emer's sister.

She's moving in?

I've moved in, I've been here a week.

But I got fed up living in the attic.

These characters who, OK,

are supposed to be caricatures of certain individuals in our society,

but as the years have gone on, you actually believe that they're real.

When I'm stuck in this chair,

I just can't do the things that normal people take for granted.

So, when's the DLA man coming about your motability car, then?

I'm not sure, I think I put it...

I love Ma, of course I love Da.

Excuse me, Commandante,

I don't want to interrupt, but I must speak on behalf of myself

and my campaneros.

-Commandante?

-Yeah...

It's just a wee nickname they have for me.

You should've asked me, love, I've a few nicknames for him and all.

I see.

It's like you told us, your mother, she makes jokes at your expense.

Mother?!

Their dim but delightful son, Cal.

Yes, this is Gerry and he's my puppet!

And even though I've got my hand up his arse,

we're not connected.

And then, sin of all sins, Daz, this great Republican,

his daughter, Dympna, was married to the policeman.

Not only a Prod, but a policeman.

We'll have to name the baby after where he was conceived.

You know, like Brooklyn?

Aye, you call ours

back of an RUC Land Rover in a lay-by in Ballyhackamore.

The Hole In The Wall Gang were not the first comedians

to take the sacred cows of Northern Ireland out

and have a laugh at them,

but this was the first time anyone had done it in our living rooms.

Hang on, the judge, he'd be on my side.

I remember him saying, er, Troubles made people like me.

To be fair, Luke, I think what he actually said was,

"People like you made the Troubles."

To have dyed-in-the-wool Loyalists and dyed-in-the-wool Republicans

laughed at was an enormously refreshing experience.

It was a refreshing breath of foul air, you know?

HE SCREAMS

-What?

-English mustard! English mustard!

In this so-called Irish Republican house.

It's only mustard.

It starts with "only mustard", and before you know it,

you have ceasefires and agreements and Gerry Adams in Downing Street

copper-fastening partition over tea and scones.

Well, that's where your English mustard gets you.

As Ulster's leading Loyalist,

I attract hugely intelligent followers.

Like big Mervyn.

Billy's applied to be a sergeant.

THEY LAUGH

-What?

-You're going to be a sergeant!

There's more chance of Mervyn being admitted to Mensa.

HE LAUGHS

What?

I can't live like this for six weeks.

It's all right, Andy, I'll help you.

-When I need to eat?

-I'll be there.

-When I need a drink?

-I'll be there.

-When I have to do a shi...?

-I'll be going now, then.

Good luck there!

Another close friend was Red Hand Luke.

He was very close.

Sometimes too close.

Something happened to me when I was in the jail.

It changed me.

I don't want to hear this.

It happens to a lot of the men in the prison.

You know?

I'm sorry to hear that, Luke.

No, don't be sorry, Andrew. I think you should try it.

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather...

I think you should turn...

..to God, like what I done.

Oh! God!

Any episode that involved, er, Pastor Begbie.

He's an animal, he's a Neanderthal.

He's behind you!

The toing and froing was just wonderful.

Memorable stuff.

I am not an an-animal, nor a nander-ball.

These boys are, though.

Because unlike me,

they have not taken the Lord Jesus Christ into their hearts,

which is very bad news for their souls.

But even worse for you, for your kneecaps, son.

Politicians, I'm not sure they loved it to bits.

The Sinn Fein candidate kit.

It's all here. The black coat,

the suit with the metal green ribbon.

Has it got the Lingua Gerry tapes?

It has.

In 14 days, you too can be fluent in Gerry Adams.

Coming from Divis, everybody watched Give My Head Peace.

It was one of the first things that we kind of could watch

and make fun of the Troubles about.

-VOICE ON TAPE:

-Repeat after me, Sinn Fein is not the IRA.

-What?!

-Shut up!

Sinn Fein is not the IRA.

Now, I noticed you didn't interrupt David Trimble.

Now, I noticed you didn't interrupt David Trimble.

I am absolutely pissed off.

But it all mirrors our society, the tribal thing that we have here.

There's a problem here, Andrew. There's nowhere to put Santa.

Well, take that flag down!

You'd be taking sides there.

You'd be making a bit of a political statement.

Take that one down!

Then you'll upset the other side.

Well, take both of them down.

Then you'll annoy everybody.

Don't be silly, it's Christmas for God's sake,

they're not going to miss a couple of flags.

SHOUTING

Basically, we, the viewers, are laughing at ourselves.

It's not easy, Mervyn!

Hold on. I'll give you a hand.

# Oh...

# My love...

# My darling...

# I've hungered for...

# Your touch... #

THEY SCREAM

BOTH: We're just making pots!

Whatever.

My official title was a second assistant director, eventually,

which basically meant I tried my best

to coordinate everything for all of our artists

and the logistics of getting everybody from A to B.

The glamorous world of television.

Give My Head Peace, of course, attracted all the big A-list stars.

George Clooney? Jennifer Lawrence?

Well, no, more the ones who were available

for the sort of money we were paying.

I was in this sort of Twilight Zone episode.

Julian?

All right, darling?

They made a real "mawn" of me,

you know, coming in with the peace box and everything.

The audience really were quite shocked, I think.

Come on, lads, the party's over, sling your hook!

You married him?

That poncey presenter?

What are you talking about?

My Julian's a riveter down in Harland and Wolff.

Passing building sites and everything,

and instead of fellas shouting, "Hey, you big Jessie, you,"

they were going, "Hiya, Julian, what about you?"

So I thought, I've arrived at last.

Well, come on.

'I robbed the Northern Bank with a wonderful actor'

called Michael Condron,

and Billy, the cop, helped us, by accident, to steal the money,

which he ended up in jail over.

-Thanks very much, Officer.

-Billy. Call me Billy.

I don't know how we could've done it without you.

Well, that's the Police Service of Northern Ireland.

-We're here to help.

-And you certainly have.

Yous actually did give me my first pop on TV

and I deeply appreciate it.

This is a normal medical procedure, nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

I am a nurse.

Argh!

'I didn't realise how big the show was'

until after I'd done the episode,

because everybody was stopping and asking me about it.

Did you have a good evening?

Very disappointing, Andrew.

I went for to see Shugo Duncan.

The way he got the Shugo part

was from one of his children at school, going to school,

and he said that was the way they said "Shugo".

You know, sometimes I'd be sitting there in my cell all alone,

just thinking about...things,

getting angrier and annoyed, and then the screws would play...

HIGH PITCHED # Come down from the mountain, Katy Daly... #

And everything would be all right again.

Cos I knew my Uncle Shugo loved me.

The boys were making some sort of a movie, some sort of film.

GENTLE MUSIC

I was...

Da's love interest type.

GUNSHOTS

Goddammit, Blair! Just give me 24 hours!

24 hours and I can stop this war.

At one stage, I had to cry because I thought I was going to lose Da.

Don't do it, Da. They'll shoot you down like a dog.

Maybe.

But I got to try.

Please don't go, Da, I couldn't live if something happened to you.

MUSIC: As Time Goes by Herman Hupfeld

So long, kid. We'll always have Paris.

I played Tonto,

who was the local driving instructor-joyrider, er, for Ma.

CAR ENGINE SCREECHES

Quick, Ma! Get in.

Could you not have got something in green?

Come on.

It's a tenner a lesson, non-refundable if I get caught.

Nice try! Right, Charlie, I've got one of them.

It was my first TV part. I'll never forget it.

Stop! Stop!

Stop the car!

-CAR ENGINE SCREECHES

-Stop, will you?

HE RETCHES AND SPLUTTERS

Well, I appeared on it with George Best at one time,

and, er...

It really ended my career in many ways.

The argument's been raging for years,

who was the best player in the world? Was it you? Was it Pele?

Well, actually, Jackie, it was neither of us.

It was a kid I saw in the '70s.

His name was...

Colin, Cal...?

Cal, that was his name, yeah.

George had a superb Belfast-Ulster humour.

-He just loved it.

-He was a genius, he was...

Why he didn't turn professional, I'll never know.

I suppose he didn't want the money, the fame and the birds,

but, er... I don't understand it. You've got to admire it, I suppose.

-I suppose.

-GIGGLING

Don't listen to him.

Geordie Best, what does he know about football?

I was the nun and I came in chewing gum, I think,

if I remember correctly,

and was really nervous about it, cos I was always behind the camera.

To suddenly be on the set of Give My Head Peace was a really big deal.

Da goes to Downing Street.

But the officials insist it's just a get-to-know-you meeting

to try and improve future relations...

Well, let me tell you, Blair...

HE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

See that Cherie Blair? She's one cheeky wee bitch.

Well, I've worked with Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks,

Terry George, James Marsh, Yann Demange, but I think

working with Tim McGarry,

Damon Quinn and Michael McDowell was, without doubt,

the highest I've ever got to in my life.

It was intimidating, actually.

-AMERICAN ACCENT

-Hi, Da,

I've been practising my Belfast accent with Cal here.

-Would you like to hear it?

-Oh, aye.

-OK.

HE STRAINS

AMERICAN ACCENT

Listen, mucker, do you think I came up the Lagan in a bubble?

Is this black hack going up the Falls Road?

Or what?

-Whenever you're ready.

-No, that was it.

And I have to hand it to the guys for the writing.

That's just three guys turning out an awful lot of sketches,

an awful lot of comedy,

and an awful lot of programmes over a fair clatter of years.

What is Denis Murray on about?

He said somebody actually writes this?

Nobody could write this.

Is that my line now? Right, OK.

It was the best time in my professional life, by a long shot.

And I just hope that you get a series.

-Thank you very much. Gentlemen...

-That must be extra money.

That MUST be worth extra money.

# Oh, marching season, marching songs

# Hitting drums all summer long

# Sun is out, weather's fine

# Balaclavas on the line

# Ah, she says that I says

# Why don't you give my head some?

# She says that I says

# Why don't you give my head some peace! #