The Farce Awakens Give My Head Peace


The Farce Awakens

A special chance to catch up with Northern Ireland's most famous dysfunctional family.


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Transcript


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# With your bombs and your bullets and your goings-on

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# I'm right, you're wrong

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# Two-minute warning It won't be long

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# You can stay, but I'll be gone

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# Oh, marching season marching songs

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# Beating drums all summer long

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# Sun is out, weather's fine

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# Balaclavas on the line

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# She says that I says

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# Why don't you give my head some...

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# She says that I says

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# Why don't you give my head some peace? #

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# I'm just an old-fashioned girl with an old-fashioned mind

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# Not sophisticated I'm the plain and simple kind

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# I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence

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# And an old-fashioned millionaire

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# I like music by Bizet... #

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Oh, yous are back, are yous?

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We didn't go away, you know.

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It is all change now in 2016.

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The women have taken over.

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Theresa May - Prime Minister.

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Arlene Foster - First Minister.

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Me...

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Well, I got new curtains.

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Gerry, Gerry.

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For the last time, I do not have Jamie Bryson's mobile number!

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Here, you. How do you delete contacts on this?

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But he's still the same.

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Oh, talking to yourself now, are you?

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That's great. That'll help me get you committed.

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I would love to be committed.

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It would get me away from you for a while.

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Will you stop cleaning things?

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Will you stop that?!

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Listen, Ma. I've actually got some very bad news.

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If this is about you not having long to live, don't worry, I can cope.

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No, but it's not about that. It's about our son, Cal.

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I'm going to have to sack him.

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What?!

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Cal has a job?

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I've never seen him doing a day's work in his life.

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Well, it's up at the Assembly. Nobody does a day's work up there.

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Cal is my Spad. Sorry - was.

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He can't be my political adviser any more.

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-Why not?

-Oh, new Sinn Fein rules. No more jobs for the boys.

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When he says "the boys", he means the Ra.

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Anyway, they're making me take this new political adviser.

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-Who's that?

-Joe.

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Joe something or other. DOOR OPENS

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Hello, Da. Oh, sorry, but you left your iPad in the car.

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Was I supposed to see this photograph?

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I think it was meant for your doctor, yes?

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I think, love, he's Photoshopped that!

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Well, thanks for bringing it back, Jo.

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Jo?

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This is Jo?

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Yes, I am Da's new Spad.

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He's told me all about you.

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Has he now?

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Anyway, Jo has a lot on...

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Yes, he told me you were his cleaning lady.

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Cleaning lady?!

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Ah, you're right, everything above four foot nine is filthy.

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Well, thanks for popping by, Jo.

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See you back at the office.

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-What?

-How did you get a Spad from Poland?

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It's a Sinn Fein thing.

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We are anti-Brexit, showing European solidarity.

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Well, I'm sure she doesn't want anything to do with your...

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solidarity.

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Excuse me, Jo is highly experienced.

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She used to be Gerry Kelly's Spad.

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-What happened?

-Mrs Kelly saw her.

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And you are giving her Cal's job?

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How could you do that to my son?

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Cal, my favourite child!

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The boy who makes me so proud!

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Listen, don't be using the bog for a couple of days.

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I left a floater in there and it's going nowhere fast.

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LOUD SINGING

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BOTH: # Your defence is terrified

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# Will Grigg's on fire

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# Your defence is terrified... #

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THEY LAUGH

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Yes, Pastor Begbie,

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it's the new Northern Ireland

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and Will Grigg is on fire.

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And it's not because of a petrol bomb.

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You're a Loyalist community worker

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who is actually doing some work in the Loyalist community.

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Indeed. Poor wee Mrs Bell needed her house painted, couldn't afford it,

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but we did it for her.

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Yeah, but to be fair now,

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I think she wanted her front room done magnolia,

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rather than have "UVF, No Surrender" painted above her mantelpiece.

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Sure she was that happy, she gave us 200 quid.

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Aye, that's only because you threatened to have next year's boney

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stuck outside her front door.

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Oh, here, Pastor Begbie,

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I want a word with you about that mural you painted last week.

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-The what?

-The mural.

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Not with you.

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The big painting on the gable wall.

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Oh, the Muriel.

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No, mural.

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-Muriel.

-Mural.

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Muriel.

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-All right, Muriel.

-Why didn't you say that in the first place?

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Big peeler and all, and you can't even speak the Queen's English!

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What's the matter with the Muriel?

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Well, apparently you got an EU grant to create a public work of art

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that would move away from paramilitary images

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-and promote peace.

-Yes that's right, and we did that there.

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No, no, no, no. Your mura... Your Muriel is sectarian.

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No, it is not. It is dedicated to the great East Belfast writer

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CS Lewis, it is The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

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And you tell me what is sectarian

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about The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe?

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Well, the lion's wearing a sash,

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the witch looks like Gerry Adams,

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and the wardrobe says,

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"You are now entering Protestant Narnia, Taigs beware!"

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I know. Brilliant, isn't it?

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WOMAN YELLS

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What is that noise?

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-It's Dympna.

-She's not auditioning for The X Factor again, is she?

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She's still upset at Bake Off going to Channel 4!

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No, but it's her bake she's squealing about.

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Oh, she's got this awful toothache.

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-She is in agony.

-Personally, I don't mind the sound.

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Always nice to hear a Catholic in pain.

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PHONE RINGS

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You know, I would send her to the dentist, you know,

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but I'm skint and it's all your lot's fault.

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What are talking about?

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Well, 2016 was pathetic!

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You know? Call that a marching season?

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There were no stand-offs, no confrontations, no riots.

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And Twaddell Avenue, it's been settled.

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I got no overtime at all.

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All I got were the words every peeler hates to hear.

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-What words?

-"Passed off peacefully."

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Fer feck's sake!

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I'm getting me European Union money grant taken off me.

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-But why?

-Because we voted for Brexit.

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I can't believe you guys voted for Brexit.

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Of course you did. I am a Unionist.

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So I wanted out of that union as quick as possible.

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I wanted freedom, I wanted independence,

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so I voted Brexit.

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Oh, look. Me Irish passport's arrived!

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What?!

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You lucky duck. How did you get yours before I got mine?

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I got Da to sign me application form.

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Always quicker with a Shinner.

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So hang on a second. You lot got Irish passports?

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Of course! When I go to Spain,

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I don't want them to muck about with my brew.

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What's Spanish for DLA?

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So, you voted for Brexit and you were getting EU grants. Smart!

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Arlene said it would be all right.

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Anyway, I'm not worried. I'm going to have to get a job.

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There's no need for that kind of talk.

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What's wrong with getting a job?

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That's what happened to Big Mervyn.

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He got a job.

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And now look at him.

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Last I heard, he was in London,

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-running a very successful technology business.

-Exactly!

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He's a disgrace!

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He's turned his back on his Protestant roots!

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He's dead to me.

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I never want to hear of Mervyn

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or see Mervyn ever again in my entire life.

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Mervyn?

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Andrew, I'm back!

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EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

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It is no use.

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I still can't shift it.

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I can't believe you're sacking me, on today of all days.

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It's my birthday!

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-It's your birthday?

-Of course it's my birthday!

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Did you not even get me a cake?

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Listen, son, I tried to get you a cake.

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-Really?

-Yes. I went into Ashers, right?

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And I says, "I want a cake with green, white and orange icing,

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"and the words,

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"'Happy 100th birthday, Easter Rising, Brits out.'"

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Tell you what, they're awful sensitive in there.

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And I'll bet you didn't even get me a present neither.

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-Aye, I did.

-Well, what did you get him?

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I got him... I got...

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I got you three scratchcards.

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Thanks.

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You didn't win anything, by the way.

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Oh, I'm sick of this. You've ruined my life, you have.

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-Me?

-You made me join the Republican movement.

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For years, I dedicated my life to the Republican struggle,

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and what did we achieve?

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The A5 to Derry?

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Hardly a united Ireland, is it?

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Ah, come on, nobody wants a united Ireland. You wouldn't want to be

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stuck with all them Southerners. You couldn't stand them.

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And when I had a chance of happiness with Tina, you ruined that, too.

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I was only thinking of you, son.

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What are you doing with your clothes on?

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Well, it's only our first date.

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No, there's a blanket man protest at The Busy Bee.

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Come on! Let's go! Now!

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DOOR CLOSES

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In fairness to your da, son, you and Tina were never going to work out.

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-Why not?

-She was good-looking.

-You're as bad as he is.

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I am not as bad as him. I am not the one who told Christine Bleakley

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to clear away off whenever she took a shine to you.

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Wait, what? Christine Bleakley fancied me?

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Christine Lampard now, son.

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She married Frank, the multimillionaire footballer,

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has houses in London, Los Angeles, New York.

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And Newtownards. Christine insisted on it.

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Christine Bleakley fancied ME?

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She used to climb up the outside of the flats,

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just to get a wee look at you in through your bedroom window.

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Your da?

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He had to take a hosepipe to her and he told her to clear away off

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and she'd never make anything of herself.

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And I was right.

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Did you see Dancing On Ice?

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And when her and Frank...

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get it on...

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she screams your name.

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Frank gets very upset.

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That's it! I'm finished with this family!

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I'm going to make a brand-new life for myself.

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Are you running away from home, son?

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-Yes.

-Well, you're in your 40s, it's a bit late for that.

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Yous two will never, ever see me, ever, ever again.

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Uh...

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You couldn't lend us a couple of quid for the bus?

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Billy, did you get me a dentist like you promised?

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Look, I've spoken to this guy in Newry

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and he can see you in six weeks.

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Am I going to have to use the hair straighteners on you again?

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I'll sort it out! I'll sort it out!

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Oh, Mervyn, it's great to see you!

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-Mwah!

-Mwah!

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Dympna!

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Ah, you see what I mean?

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You spend a mere nine years in London and the next thing you know,

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mwah, mwah, you're hugging Fenians!

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For goodness' sake, Andy, listen to yourself.

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It's 2016.

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Sectarianism is so last century.

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It's time for to move on.

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In London, we embrace diversity.

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In London, the lampposts don't even have flags on them.

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Are they mad?

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I mean, how do they know if they're in a Protestant or a Catholic area?

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Nobody cares. It's London!

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Oh, London! London! London, London!

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Shut up about London!

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I never want to hear the word London ever again!

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Except for when you go to Derry.

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So, here, Mervyn, how long are you staying?

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Just the one night, Dympna.

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I have a meeting with the development people

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from Microsoft and the Google, first thing in the morning.

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Oh, don't tell me, it's in London!

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No, actually, it's in Derry.

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I just came back here to see what I wasn't missing.

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My life has moved on, Andy.

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I'm just sad that yours hasn't.

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So long!

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No, Mervyn, you can't go like this. Stay and have a wee drink with us.

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Thank you, Billy, but no. I have given up the drink.

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Alcohol and Loyalism is not a good combination.

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Billy's right, Mervyn.

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Have one tinny with us, for old times' sake.

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No, thank you, I won't.

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Oh, come on, Mervyn.

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It's just one wee tin of beer.

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Well, all right!

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I mean, what harm can one wee tin of beer do?

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HE SCREAMS

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No surrender!

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I don't think he's going to make

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that meeting in Derry.

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Londonderry!

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I've got the flag back flying up on City Hall!

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The best bit is he doesn't even know

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today's a designated day!

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Hey, Belfast! The future's bright cos the future is orange!

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Do you see that? That is a disgrace.

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That is nothing but a provocative sectarian display designed to offend

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the Nationalist people. And what is the PSNI doing about it?

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Nothing! I demand that you go up there and take that flag down

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right now.

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HE LAUGHS

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I can't do anything unless there's a breach of the peace.

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-It is!

-No, there's not.

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Oh, slash.

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Mervyn is just loudly and proudly

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expressing his sacred British culture.

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-Ma!

-Oh, Dympna, Cal has been missing for a full week.

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Oh, don't be worrying.

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Sure, he's probably got lost playing Pokemon Go.

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No, he has vanished.

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Here, your Billy's a cop. What's he doing about it?

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Probably playing Pokemon Go, too.

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Sure, Billy's useless.

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Couldn't even get a dentist for his long-suffering wife.

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Your da has ruined everything.

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He ruined Cal's life.

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He's ruined my life.

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Why don't you divorce him?

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I'm Catholic. It's not allowed.

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I would slit his throat whenever he was asleep,

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only it would ruin the new duvet.

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Well, so, what are you going to do?

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I'm going to change religion.

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My mind is completely open.

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I could become a...

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a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Scientologist.

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Or a Protestant.

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I'm not that desperate!

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And anyway, I've actually made up my mind.

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I found this lovely fella online.

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Jihadi Mickey, you call him.

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Jihadi Mickey?

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Yeah, he wants me to become a Muslim and go to the Middle East

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-and marry him.

-Ma, the Middle East is full of terrorism

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and civil wars, air strikes.

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Aye, but I would be getting away from your da for a while.

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I wonder, is Jihadi Mickey good-looking?

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Do you not know?

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No, well, you see, he always has had his balaclava on.

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And I do not want to make the same mistake I made 40 years ago.

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-That's it, back away. Back away.

-To me.

-In you go.

-To you.

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To me. Watch it. Watch it.

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Easy.

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Oh, I am knackered!

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Pastor Begbie, you can't have joined in and helped us?

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No, no, no, yous two are the manual labour, I'm the management.

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We've been carrying this thing for miles!

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It was your fault. You shouldn't have got us thrown off the bus.

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I didn't like that bus anyway.

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All the passengers was giving us funny looks.

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Especially when the body fell out of the coffin.

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Ooh, the screams of them women,

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you'd think they'd never seen a dead body before.

0:19:060:19:09

Well, they have, just not on the top deck of the 42A

0:19:090:19:13

going up the Newtownards Road.

0:19:130:19:15

Oh, God, if there wasn't somebody in that coffin already,

0:19:150:19:18

I'd jump in there myself for a wee lie-down.

0:19:180:19:21

Here, Pastor Begbie, why did you become an undertaker?

0:19:210:19:23

I had to get a new job, and anyway, sure, I'm a natural at this here.

0:19:230:19:27

Sure, I've been at funerals for half of my life.

0:19:270:19:29

But, like, did you have to open your funeral parlour in my front room?

0:19:290:19:33

I wasn't going to open it in mine. Dead bodies give me the willies.

0:19:330:19:38

So...

0:19:380:19:40

who's in there?

0:19:400:19:42

Lenny Fat Boy Lennox.

0:19:420:19:45

Is that why the bucking thing's so heavy?

0:19:450:19:48

-What killed that boy there was a frying pan.

-Oh, right.

0:19:480:19:52

All that cholesterol clogging up the arteries.

0:19:520:19:55

No, somebody whacked him over the head with a frying pan.

0:19:550:19:59

What?

0:19:590:20:00

Sconed him over the head with a frying pan

0:20:000:20:02

and then, cool as you like, went and made himself an omelette

0:20:020:20:05

and then just disappeared into the middle of the night.

0:20:050:20:08

-You mean there's a murderer amongst us?

-It's East Belfast, Andy.

0:20:090:20:13

There's dozens of them.

0:20:130:20:15

-Billy, what about ye?

-Hey, Billy.

-What the hell's that doing there?

0:20:170:20:20

What doing where?

0:20:200:20:22

Why is there a coffin on my dining room table?

0:20:220:20:25

Well, we couldn't leave him on the floor.

0:20:250:20:28

Have a bit of respect for the dead, Billy.

0:20:280:20:30

Do you mean there's a body in there?

0:20:300:20:32

What's he doing in there?

0:20:320:20:35

Well, not much, Billy.

0:20:350:20:37

He's dead.

0:20:410:20:43

Yes, Billy, these are the last remains of...

0:20:440:20:47

Lenny The Fat Boy Lennox.

0:20:470:20:51

Oh, here, I'm investigating his murder.

0:20:510:20:53

-Have you made any progress?

-Oh, aye, me and the lads down the station

0:20:530:20:57

have come up with a great nickname. The Frying Pan Killer.

0:20:570:21:01

Inspired!

0:21:010:21:04

Here, nobody knows this but, apparently,

0:21:040:21:07

after he brained Fat Boy,

0:21:070:21:08

the killer sat down and made himself a cheese and onion omelette.

0:21:080:21:13

With mushrooms.

0:21:130:21:14

That's right. With mushrooms.

0:21:140:21:17

Ma!

0:21:180:21:20

Ma! I searched the Armalite and ballot box again,

0:21:200:21:23

still no sign of Cal.

0:21:230:21:25

Ma!

0:21:250:21:27

What the hell are you wearing that for?

0:21:370:21:40

I have converted to Islam.

0:21:400:21:42

This is my burkini.

0:21:420:21:44

Well, if you were going to become a Muslim,

0:21:460:21:48

why didn't you wear the full burka?

0:21:480:21:51

Then I wouldn't have to look at your face.

0:21:510:21:54

I am going for a swim.

0:21:540:21:58

Aye, well, you'll not get into the Andytown Leisure Centre

0:21:580:22:00

looking like that.

0:22:000:22:02

Did you know, in France, the burkini is banned?

0:22:020:22:05

And in Millisle, it is compulsory.

0:22:050:22:08

I have just been talking online to my new boyfriend,

0:22:100:22:13

Jihadi Mickey.

0:22:130:22:15

Jihadi Mickey?

0:22:150:22:17

He's in Damascus.

0:22:170:22:18

No, he's in Damascus Street off the Ormeau Road, love.

0:22:180:22:22

It's the internet, his real name's probably Mickey Muldoon.

0:22:240:22:28

What the hell are you doing now?

0:22:300:22:32

I'm taking a selfie for Mickey.

0:22:320:22:35

He wants to see if I'm a virgin.

0:22:350:22:37

Are you sure about this?

0:22:400:22:43

100% sure.

0:22:430:22:45

This is the only religion that I could be a swimwear model.

0:22:450:22:49

-Ma.

-Mm.

0:22:520:22:53

I'm back, and guess what?

0:22:530:22:55

You're a priest!

0:22:550:22:57

Yeah, how did you know?

0:22:570:22:58

Oh, oh, my son a priest!

0:22:580:23:01

It is a miracle!

0:23:010:23:03

Oh, thank you, God!

0:23:030:23:05

Wait a minute. I thought you were becoming a Muslim?

0:23:050:23:08

Ah, forget about that. Get me my rosary beads.

0:23:080:23:10

Wise up, he's not a priest.

0:23:120:23:14

You have to study for years to become a priest.

0:23:140:23:16

Not no more, you don't.

0:23:160:23:18

They're so desperate for priests now,

0:23:180:23:20

all you have to do is fill in the application form,

0:23:200:23:22

convince them you're not a Prod and give them a tenner.

0:23:220:23:26

Makes sense, you being a priest.

0:23:270:23:29

I mean, let's be honest,

0:23:290:23:30

celibacy's never been an issue for you, has it, son?

0:23:300:23:33

Now I can devote my life entirely to God.

0:23:330:23:37

Oh, no!

0:23:370:23:39

We've got the male version of Martina Purdy.

0:23:390:23:42

This is so holy!

0:23:440:23:47

I am surrounded by an atmosphere of spirituality and holiness!

0:23:470:23:54

Here, can you get me an annulment?

0:23:550:23:58

Well, I can try. What's your grounds?

0:23:580:24:00

Insanity.

0:24:000:24:02

I must have been mad to marry him.

0:24:030:24:06

I'm afraid we're going to need a wee bit more to go on than that, Ma.

0:24:060:24:09

He's an ugly, bearded bastard?

0:24:090:24:11

-EMER:

-Billy! Where's the dentist?

0:24:140:24:16

He's coming here now. He'll be here in a minute.

0:24:160:24:18

He's coming here?

0:24:180:24:20

Aye, I bumped into Red Hand Luke,

0:24:200:24:22

and he knew this great dentist who's dirt cheap.

0:24:220:24:24

He's coming here right now.

0:24:240:24:26

EMER WAILS

0:24:260:24:30

Oh, God, you hear that?

0:24:300:24:32

I'm looking forward to going to work.

0:24:320:24:33

EMER WAILS

0:24:330:24:36

SHE CONTINUES WAILING

0:24:360:24:39

Ah, will you shut up?

0:24:390:24:41

You're a bigger screamer than Jamie Bryson!

0:24:410:24:44

HE LAUGHS

0:24:440:24:46

All right, Andy!

0:24:460:24:48

APPLAUSE

0:24:480:24:51

All right, Luke.

0:24:510:24:52

Now is not a convenient time,

0:24:520:24:54

we're waiting for the dentist.

0:24:540:24:57

ANDY GASPS

0:24:570:24:59

It's me!

0:24:590:25:00

Red Hand Luke?

0:25:000:25:02

You're a dentist?

0:25:020:25:03

Oh, aye. Send her down.

0:25:030:25:06

You can't just operate on somebody, you need qualifications.

0:25:060:25:09

Relax, Andrew.

0:25:090:25:10

I studied dentistry for years in the jail.

0:25:100:25:14

I must say, that's very forward thinking

0:25:140:25:17

of the prison authorities, like,

0:25:170:25:19

to provide training so that inmates can get a job or a profession

0:25:190:25:23

on the outside.

0:25:230:25:24

Yeah, well, now, my training would be a little less formal than that.

0:25:240:25:29

I mean, I mainly practised on cheeky screws, touts,

0:25:290:25:33

and people that took too many turns on the pool table!

0:25:330:25:35

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll not hang around for this.

0:25:350:25:39

Yes, you will.

0:25:390:25:40

I'm going to need you for to hold her down.

0:25:400:25:43

Oh!

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, thank God you're here!

0:25:450:25:48

My tooth is agony, pure agony!

0:25:480:25:52

Have a seat, madam.

0:25:520:25:53

I can promise you this will all be over in a few minutes.

0:25:530:25:57

Oh, please, just take the pain away!

0:25:580:26:01

Don't worry, you're not going to feel a thing.

0:26:010:26:05

Now, which tooth is it?

0:26:070:26:10

Oh, I'm not sure.

0:26:100:26:11

You see, it's sore all up here.

0:26:110:26:14

I think we'll take them all out, just for safety.

0:26:150:26:18

Right, then.

0:26:180:26:20

I'm just going to start off with a little bit of drilling.

0:26:200:26:23

DRILL WHIRS

0:26:230:26:26

Oh, God, I hate that sound.

0:26:260:26:28

Still, I suppose it sounds worse than it feels, eh?

0:26:280:26:33

No, actually, it doesn't.

0:26:330:26:34

Right, I think we're good to go here.

0:26:360:26:38

SHE WHIMPERS

0:26:380:26:39

Are you not going to use an anaesthetic?

0:26:410:26:43

I always forget that bit.

0:26:430:26:45

So what do you normally use, injections or gas?

0:26:470:26:51

It's more of a general anaesthetic.

0:26:510:26:55

Right! Head back, love, just relax and count backwards from five.

0:26:550:27:00

Five, four...

0:27:000:27:03

Your voice sounds awful familiar.

0:27:030:27:05

Just relax.

0:27:050:27:07

Three... Ooh, if I need a filling, do you use mercury or quartz?

0:27:070:27:13

Polyfilla.

0:27:130:27:15

Two...

0:27:150:27:16

Polyfilla?!

0:27:160:27:18

Andrew, are you all right?

0:27:230:27:26

Look what you have done, you silly cow.

0:27:260:27:28

You've killed Andrew.

0:27:280:27:29

Just forgot my...

0:27:310:27:32

What's going on here?

0:27:320:27:34

You got Red Hand Luke to be my dentist!

0:27:340:27:38

Never mind all of that.

0:27:380:27:40

She just killed Andrew!

0:27:400:27:42

If I were you, I'd get that wiped for prints.

0:27:420:27:45

Och, it wasn't me, you dough-brain, it was Luke.

0:27:470:27:50

Luke's the frying pan killer!

0:27:510:27:53

You're under arrest, Luke.

0:27:530:27:54

You, you'll never take me alive.

0:27:540:27:56

-Don't make me shoot you, Luke.

-I mean...

0:27:560:27:58

you'll never be alive to take me...

0:27:580:28:00

..cos I am never going back to the jail.

0:28:020:28:05

Ow.

0:28:070:28:08

Oh, my God, Billy, look at Uncle Andy,

0:28:110:28:13

he's turning blue!

0:28:130:28:15

You'll have to do the kiss of life.

0:28:150:28:18

No, it'll be all right.

0:28:180:28:20

Oh, for God's sake.

0:28:200:28:22

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:28:230:28:26

He's definitely still alive, Billy.

0:28:280:28:30

Well, how do you know?

0:28:320:28:34

He poked my tooth out with his tongue.

0:28:340:28:37

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

0:28:380:28:40

It is wonderful having a son a priest.

0:28:480:28:51

It is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

0:28:510:28:55

My life has been a trail of tears,

0:28:550:28:59

a life of misery and torture,

0:28:590:29:03

like a never-ending Stephen Nolan Show.

0:29:030:29:07

And my son a priest.

0:29:090:29:12

Life is worth living again.

0:29:120:29:15

Ma, I've got something to tell you.

0:29:150:29:17

Oh, my beautiful, wonderful boy.

0:29:170:29:20

I'm not a priest no more.

0:29:200:29:22

You stupid wee shite!

0:29:220:29:25

You are nothing but an embarrassment.

0:29:270:29:31

The day you were born I should have left you exposed

0:29:310:29:35

on the top of Black Mountain, like the doctor said.

0:29:350:29:38

No, no, Ma, you see, I'm not a priest no more because...

0:29:380:29:42

-..I'm a bishop.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:29:460:29:48

A bishop! My son is a bishop!

0:29:480:29:51

Oh, Your Holiness, Your Worshipful,

0:29:510:29:52

Your... Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

0:29:520:29:54

Da! Da!

0:29:540:29:56

There is a bishop in the house.

0:29:560:29:59

Come in and kiss his ring.

0:29:590:30:02

Kiss his what?

0:30:050:30:07

His ring.

0:30:070:30:09

Wise up, he's not a bishop.

0:30:090:30:11

It takes years and years to become a bishop.

0:30:110:30:13

Aye, well, Pat Buckley made me one at lunchtime, so there.

0:30:130:30:17

Hello.

0:30:170:30:18

Tina?

0:30:200:30:22

Can I have a word with you, Father Cal?

0:30:220:30:24

I think you'll find it is Bishop Cal.

0:30:240:30:28

Here, you have to take me to the bingo.

0:30:280:30:30

Why?

0:30:300:30:31

Well, Loretta McBride will be there

0:30:310:30:34

and she is always going on about her kids.

0:30:340:30:36

"Oh, my Seamy passed the eleven-plus.

0:30:360:30:39

"Brandy, he's got a job in Tesco's."

0:30:390:30:42

Wait till I tell her that my son is a bucking bishop.

0:30:420:30:46

She'll not know where to look.

0:30:470:30:49

-Here, come on.

-Oh, for God's sake.

0:30:490:30:51

-DOOR CLOSES

-So, you're a bishop now?

0:30:540:30:57

-Yeah.

-Oh, that makes things even more awkward.

0:30:570:31:00

Cal, will you marry me?

0:31:020:31:04

-Marry you?

-I know it's a big thing to ask.

0:31:050:31:08

I mean, you're a bishop

0:31:080:31:09

and we haven't seen each other for years,

0:31:090:31:11

and then I just turn up out of the blue

0:31:110:31:13

asking you to risk everything for me.

0:31:130:31:16

I'll understand if you say no.

0:31:160:31:19

Marry YOU?

0:31:190:31:20

You don't have to tell me now.

0:31:200:31:23

Sleep on it.

0:31:230:31:24

I'll come back tomorrow and you can tell me then, OK?

0:31:240:31:27

-PASTOR BEGBIE:

-Another frying pan killing.

0:31:290:31:32

You know he's up to 13 victims now.

0:31:320:31:34

No, no, no, it's 11.

0:31:340:31:35

I think you'll find there's been another two

0:31:350:31:37

since the PSNI have been sitting on their arse.

0:31:370:31:40

According to the papers,

0:31:400:31:42

there was a spate of these frying pan killings a while back

0:31:420:31:45

and then, suddenly, it stopped about nine years ago.

0:31:450:31:49

Nine years ago?

0:31:490:31:51

That's when I went to London.

0:31:510:31:53

That's right.

0:31:530:31:54

And then, inexplicably, they started up about two weeks ago.

0:31:540:31:58

-That's when I came back.

-HE LAUGHS

0:31:580:32:01

What a coincidence!

0:32:010:32:02

Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

0:32:030:32:07

-What?

-It's Big Mervyn.

0:32:070:32:09

-Mervyn what?

-It's him.

0:32:090:32:11

-Him what?

-The frying pan killer.

0:32:110:32:13

What about the frying pan killer?

0:32:130:32:15

Oh, God, now I know why the PSNI cannot catch Jamie Dornan

0:32:150:32:19

in The Fall.

0:32:190:32:20

It's Big Mervyn, he's the frying pan killer.

0:32:210:32:25

Wise up, he's no motive.

0:32:250:32:27

Really? Wait till you hear this.

0:32:270:32:30

And his latest victim is wee Sandy Beadie.

0:32:300:32:33

Aye? I always hated Sandy Beadie.

0:32:330:32:36

He used to bully me at school, saying I was as thick as chump.

0:32:360:32:40

Well, he'll not be saying that any more now, will he?

0:32:400:32:43

Not with his head stoved in with the frying pan.

0:32:430:32:46

HE LAUGHS

0:32:460:32:49

What are yous all looking at me like that for?

0:32:500:32:53

Mervyn, you're under...

0:32:530:32:56

Oh, where is it?

0:32:560:32:58

Oh, thanks. You're under arrest.

0:32:580:33:00

Dear Lord,

0:33:000:33:02

guide me.

0:33:020:33:04

Help me to choose between right and wrong.

0:33:040:33:07

Do I stay with the Church?

0:33:070:33:09

CHEERING

0:33:090:33:12

Or marry Tina?

0:33:170:33:18

Stay with the Church...

0:33:240:33:27

CHEERING

0:33:270:33:29

..or marry Tina?

0:33:390:33:41

-TINA:

-Cal? Cal?

0:33:510:33:53

Sorry, Tina. He's been like this for ages.

0:33:530:33:56

He is thinking holy thoughts.

0:33:560:33:59

Cal?

0:34:010:34:02

Yes, Tina, I will marry you.

0:34:060:34:09

Oh!

0:34:090:34:11

I can't tell you how happy you've made me.

0:34:110:34:13

And I can't tell you how happy you've made me.

0:34:130:34:15

And Siobhan will be delighted.

0:34:150:34:17

And Siobhan will be...

0:34:170:34:20

Wait a minute, who the frig's Siobhan?

0:34:200:34:22

My partner.

0:34:220:34:24

Uh, you're marrying us.

0:34:240:34:26

Remember?

0:34:260:34:27

You're marrying... Siobhan?

0:34:290:34:31

Och, I know, same-sex marriages are against Church teaching,

0:34:310:34:34

but it's 2016.

0:34:340:34:36

It'll be legal here soon and I trusted you, Cal.

0:34:360:34:40

I knew you'd help us out.

0:34:400:34:41

Cal?

0:34:430:34:44

Cal?

0:34:460:34:47

Say something, Cal.

0:34:470:34:49

Bah, faaaa!

0:34:490:34:52

Frying pan killer, Big Mervin,

0:34:520:34:55

I mean, it's inconceivable.

0:34:550:34:58

You see, the murderer's left no evidence,

0:34:580:35:01

he's baffled police and he's clearly...an evil genius,

0:35:010:35:06

whereas Mervin is just as thick as a brick.

0:35:060:35:09

You just never know what some people do, Andy.

0:35:090:35:13

See, being around all this death, too, is making me terribly hungry.

0:35:130:35:17

Have you anything in your kitchen?

0:35:170:35:19

Oh, aye, work away.

0:35:190:35:21

Here, strange thing about all these frying pan murders...

0:35:220:35:28

What's strange?

0:35:280:35:29

Well, every one of the victims was known to you.

0:35:290:35:33

Lucky for them to have me as a mate.

0:35:330:35:37

And every one of them was found in their own homes, like,

0:35:370:35:40

but there was no sign of forced entry.

0:35:400:35:43

You'd think they knew who their attacker was.

0:35:430:35:46

Mm-hm.

0:35:460:35:47

Here, and you ended up doing all of the funerals.

0:35:470:35:51

Coincidence.

0:35:510:35:53

And a couple of times, like,

0:35:530:35:55

you were at the scene of the crime even before the peelers arrived.

0:35:550:35:58

Yeah, you know what they say, Andy, the early bird catches the worm.

0:35:580:36:02

Pastor Begbie, I've been thinking.

0:36:030:36:07

I warned you about that before.

0:36:070:36:09

You're going to give yourself a sore head.

0:36:090:36:11

ANDY SCREAMS

0:36:110:36:13

I'm not interrupting, am I?

0:36:130:36:15

Billy! Billy, Billy, arrest him, he's the frying pan killer!

0:36:150:36:19

He's the frying pan killer.

0:36:190:36:21

Well, he can't be, it's Big Mervin.

0:36:210:36:22

No, it's not, it's him.

0:36:220:36:24

Why do you reckon that?

0:36:250:36:26

Because he's a psychopath,

0:36:260:36:28

and he's got a bloody big frying pan in his hand.

0:36:280:36:31

Shoot him, Billy, shoot to kill.

0:36:310:36:33

I can't shoot him, he's unarmed.

0:36:330:36:34

Don't worry, you're a cop, you can cover it up later.

0:36:340:36:37

Shoot him, Billy, and then Taser him to make sure he's dead.

0:36:390:36:43

PASTOR BEGBIE CHUCKLES

0:36:430:36:45

Here, what's so funny?

0:36:450:36:47

You think that I'm the frying pan killer?

0:36:470:36:51

He is, Billy, he is.

0:36:510:36:52

He crept up behind me with that big frying pan in his hand.

0:36:520:36:55

Yes, to see if you wanted

0:36:550:36:57

some fish fingers.

0:36:570:36:58

Fish fingers, Andy, that proves he can't be the frying pan killer.

0:37:000:37:04

Well, how's that?

0:37:040:37:05

Well, the frying pan killer doesn't make fish fingers,

0:37:050:37:07

he always makes an omelette.

0:37:070:37:09

Oh.

0:37:090:37:10

Oh, dear.

0:37:100:37:12

I think I may have made a wee bit of a faux pas.

0:37:120:37:16

I'm so sorry, Pastor Begbie.

0:37:160:37:18

I hope I didn't offend you

0:37:180:37:19

by calling you a psychotic, blood-soaked maniac.

0:37:190:37:21

Don't worry about it. Sure, I get that all the time.

0:37:210:37:25

So, would you like some fish fingers?

0:37:250:37:27

Yes, thank you.

0:37:270:37:29

That's great, because you're completely out of eggs.

0:37:290:37:32

HE WHIMPERS

0:37:340:37:36

Are you definitely staying a bishop this time?

0:37:360:37:40

100%, Ma.

0:37:400:37:42

I've had my brush with temptation

0:37:420:37:44

and I've made my decision and I'm going to stick by it.

0:37:440:37:47

Cal...

0:37:510:37:53

I've left Frank.

0:37:540:37:56

I cannot live without you.

0:37:560:37:58

Will you marry me?

0:37:580:38:01

Oh, for...sake.

0:38:010:38:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:040:38:06

# She says that I says

0:38:150:38:18

# Why don't you give my head some...

0:38:180:38:20

# She says that I says

0:38:200:38:22

# Why don't you give my head some peace?

0:38:220:38:25

# Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

0:38:250:38:28

# Give my head some peace

0:38:280:38:30

-# Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

-Give my head some peace! #

0:38:300:38:33

A special chance to catch up with Northern Ireland's most famous dysfunctional family.


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