Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
I'm Jo Brand. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:41 | |
In the news this week... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
At the European Parliament, | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
as Theresa May explains the British government's position | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
on trade tariffs and post-Brexit import restrictions, | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
security struggles to cope. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
In London, one disgruntled commuter decides to put his dispute | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
with the rail company behind him and move on. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
And following viewers' complaints that EastEnders is too bleak, | 0:01:16 | 0:01:20 | |
scriptwriters come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
LATIN DANCE MUSIC | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrat party, | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
who is appearing on the show just two weeks after Nick Clegg, | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
which means the Lib Dems have had almost as many seats in this studio | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
as they have in Parliament. LAUGHTER | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
Please welcome Tim Farron. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
who's famous for not knowing what's going on on the pitch. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
Which makes him favourite to be the next England manager. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
Please welcome Chris Kamara. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Are you likely to be the next England manager? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
No, I'm not likely to be the next England manager. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
OK, I'm just checking. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
I've got too many skeletons in my closet! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
How about President of the United States of America? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
That's a possibility. I cannot believe for one minute | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
that they'd want to replace a black president with an orange one! | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Ian and Tim, take a look at this... | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
Prime Minister, do you know what's going on? Nope, nope. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
-Slippery animal there. -With a fish. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
-That's Davis and Fox. -Looking like the pound. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Oh, the Chancellor takes on allcomers. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Yeah, Fox hunting, maybe. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
This is Brexit, isn't it? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
And there's civil war breaking out in the Tory party. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
It's going to be messy. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
-It is. -It's going to be a party that falls apart. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Riven by factions. It's just... | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
-How can anyone do that? -We have none of that, it's marvellous! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
-LAUGHTER -Well, there's only 11 of you. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
-Yeah, well... -LAUGHTER | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
-It's not quite that yet. -Is it not? | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
Obviously, after Witney, we'll have gained three MPs, probably. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
-In one seat? -I think so. -God, you're good. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Well, this is indeed the news that Brexit still means Brexit, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
and we have to keep talking about it FOR EVER. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Pretty much forever, yep. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
What secret document from Boris's past was revealed this week? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
He has a column in the Telegraph, | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
-and he couldn't make his mind up, so he wrote two. -Mm. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
One saying we definitely should leave | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
and the other saying we definitely should remain. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
And people have suggested this is... | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
you know, indication that he's a bit two-faced, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
and wasn't sure which way to jump, or is a bit of a hypocrite, | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
or an opportunist, or, you know... | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
People are very, very rude about Boris, | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
I think, you know, | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
he's just on the make, really! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Have you had a chance to reconsider | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
your public call for him to be arrested? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
-No. -"No"! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
I stick by every word of it. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
Except I've got another column | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
where I said I thought he should be let off. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
Let's have a look at what his secret one actually said. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
The secret one! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
Also, he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit, | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
arguing that it could lead to economic shock, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Russian aggression | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
and a new Scottish referendum. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
In fact, the only thing he didn't see coming | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
was Will Young dropping out of Strictly. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
In his pro-remain article, Boris wrote... | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Which is a strange coincidence | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
because those are the exact words he said to me | 0:05:04 | 0:05:05 | |
in a nightmare that's costing me a fortune in therapy. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Now, how did Boris Johnson wreak revenge | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
on his old pal, Michael Gove, this week? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
-Ooh. -Didn't see it. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
Well, according to the Mail, | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
Boris's father, Stanley, helped blackball Gove | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
from joining the exclusive Beefsteak Gentleman's Club | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
as a revenge for destroying Boris's prime ministerial hopes. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
They're a tough bunch, those Tories, aren't they? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-LAUGHTER -Oh, no, I can't join the Beefsteak! | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
The Beefsteak Club has a very clever way | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
of easing communication between its members and the waiting staff. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Does anyone know what that is? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
Is that ear trumpets? | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
SPOTTED DICK! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
You'll have to see the doctor. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
There's a bell underneath the table. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
-Bing! -No. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
If only it was that prosaic. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
Great. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:13 | |
Is that also adopted by the Royal family? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
-Charles, Charles... -Charlie, Charles... | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
If I was one of the Charleses, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
I'd probably just have one name for all the members, too. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
-Does that begin with T? -LAUGHTER | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
No, Chris, it begins with C. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
What did Elmar Brok, chairman of... LAUGHTER | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
..EU's Foreign Affairs Committee | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
have to say about our Brexit ministers? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Do you know? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
He said that one of them was extremely good-looking. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
This is a very thin disguise, what's Boris up to? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:54 | 0:06:55 | |
It's one of those glasses, nose, moustache, comes-off-in-one-go, | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
-isn't it? -LAUGHTER | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
He did say... | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
Oh, dear. LAUGHTER | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Mr Brok? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
I wake up every morning | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say next. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:17 | 0:07:18 | |
I have a special tea towel embroidered "What would Jacob do?" | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
Let's hear about the wonderful Jacob Rees-Mogg, | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
who looks like he's propagated in a greenhouse. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
-What has he got to say? -LAUGHTER | 0:07:27 | 0:07:28 | |
-Jacob who? -Jacob Rees-Mogg. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
The finest halfback line West Ham ever had! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
-Bobby Rees, Nickey Mogg. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
He was the ball winner. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
-I remember him well! -Nicky Mogg. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
If you don't know who he is, you'll have quite an experience. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Here we go. LAUGHTER | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
Elmar Brok is clueless, he's a know-nothing blowhard. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
Meanwhile, the first of around 300 migrant children | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
with family already living here | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
have been arriving from the Calais Jungle. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
Why has this been controversial? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Some of them, according to some observers, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
don't look as young as they wanted them to look. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
The Tories are concerned that some of the refugees we're letting in | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
might not be quite desperate enough. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Which is very big of them. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:15 | |
On the whole, we prefer children to be either drowning | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
-or being dragged from a building in Aleppo. -Yes. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Well, David Davis tweeted a picture of some of the children, saying... | 0:08:20 | 0:08:25 | |
-There are 14 of them, there are hardly any of them. -Yeah. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
But people don't like the idea that there's lots and lots | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
of young men, cos they're the people who come, | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
because it's young men who get... shipped this way. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
The family say, "Oh, we'll give you the money, you go there first." | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
-They're going to be young men, that's what they look like. -Yeah. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
The Daily Mail are keen, would you believe, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
on checking the ages of these people. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
They've aged this man using a computer programme | 0:08:50 | 0:08:56 | |
as aged 38. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:58 | 0:08:59 | |
According to Microsoft, the app the Mail used is... | 0:08:59 | 0:09:04 | |
So we've done it to you, Ian and Paul. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
Ian, 26. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
-LAUGHTER -What?! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
And Paul, 28. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
Don't get too pleased with yourselves. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
This is what happened with Norman Tebbit. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
23! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:30 | |
Obviously, it's quite tricky to distinguish adults from children, | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
as the Mail themselves pointed out | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
on page 13 of the same newspaper. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
-Mm. -Yeah. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
Cindy Crawford, 50, and her daughter, 15. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
-Oh, but which is which? -Which is which? Oh... | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
Moving on, quickly... LAUGHTER | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
So, Theresa's in Brussels now, as we record the programme... | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
That's exciting, isn't it? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
..hoping for... | 0:09:54 | 0:09:55 | |
Yes, we mustn't say hard or soft any more. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
-Smooth. -It's like boiled eggs. Got to be smooth. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:03 | |
And I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
which I made in my Nutribullet. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
What is she not allowed to talk about over dinner? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
-And I can vouch for that, I was sat in the next room! -Now, now... | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
-You as well?! -LAUGHTER | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
I was told to hide in the airing cupboard. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
She gets to tell the other leaders | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
what her plans are, but they won't respond, as Donald Tusk has said | 0:10:26 | 0:10:30 | |
there will be no pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
You go way back, you and Theresa, don't you? | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
We do, yeah. Once upon a time, we both had Rick Astley's haircut. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
We stood for North West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:46 | |
Let's have a little look at you in happier times. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
Here you are in a synthpop duo in the '80s. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Am I right or am I right? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
During that election, you were competing for the same seat. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
-We were. -And you both lost to the Labour candidate, | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
to Hilary Armstrong. Who'd have thought back then | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
that you two total losers could go on to such great things? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
-Actually, Tim, you were in a band, weren't you? -Yes. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Tell us what's going on here. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
So...that is Robert on the right and David on the left. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
And we were utterly, utterly dreadful. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
Was that the name of the band? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
We were terrible, but we had a great time. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Which sort of sums up my life, really! | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:32 | 0:11:33 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
Let's have a little look at some footage | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
from the Lib Dem party conference | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
Went very well. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:49 | |
Do you know which political party's having a conference here this week? | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
-I don't know. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
-Couldn't tell you. -Really? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:57 | |
I didn't realise there was one. Is there? | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
The TUC were here. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
Do you know which political party's got its conference | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
-going on here at the moment? -Oh... -Yeah, that one there. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
What do you think of them? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:09 | |
What do I think of them? Who are they? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
It's going well! It's going well. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
Aww! Who's been using the referendum result | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
to further her own aims this week? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
Go up the country to the top bit. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:22 | |
The Queen? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
No. LAUGHTER | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
-Nicola Sturgeon. -Nicola Sturgeon, that's right. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
-What's she threatening? -Another vote on Scottish independence. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
A second one in a generation. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
-Well, let's just have a look at how the BBC reported it. -Yeah. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
We're going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon... | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
..talking about plans for a second referendum on independence. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
I'm sorry, we've very clearly run the wrong pictures. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
My apologies there. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
Come on, to be fair, none of us are at our best | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
that early in the morning. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
He looked all right to me! | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
This is the bleating of bitter Remoaners | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
who refuse to accept the democratic verdict of the British people. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
There, that's the balance taken care of. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Let's lay into the idiots that got us into this mess. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:14 | 0:13:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
If you clap, the complaints will just flood in! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
In the post-referendum fallout, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
The Sunday Times revealed that at one point... | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
Many have questioned Boris Johnson's diplomatic skills, | 0:13:43 | 0:13:47 | |
and feel he should be replaced by someone | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
who has a deeper cultural understanding | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
of our European neighbours. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
Meanwhile, the Independent reported | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
that the first unaccompanied children | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
from the Jungle in Calais... | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
Well, you can't make the transition from squalor | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
and deprivation too abrupt! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:09 | 0:14:10 | |
Paul and Chris, take a look at this. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Here we are, the magnificent idiot, Trump. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
That's Bill with his wandering hands. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:21 | 0:14:22 | |
That's probably her e-mails. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
That's Julian Assange, who's become a burglar, not very successfully. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
So, Donald Trump, American President, as he still keeps going. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
He's losing lots of votes now as it becomes more and more obvious | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
-what he's like. That's basically it, isn't it? -That's basically it, yes. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
-The US election, as it struggles to an unedifying climax... -Yes. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
I've experienced a few of those. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
-Oh, have you? -Yes, yeah. -Oh. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
-Sorry to hear that. -Thanks, Paul. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:50 | 0:14:51 | |
Were any of them your own, or was it sort of...? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
The final debate was... | 0:14:55 | 0:14:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
..on Wednesday. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
How did the debate kick off? | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
-With a right hook. -LAUGHTER | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
-No handshake. -No. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
Well, you don't want him touching you, do you?! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:08 | 0:15:09 | |
That's the sort of thing most women wouldn't volunteer for. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
He said... | 0:15:18 | 0:15:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
What else has Trump whinged about, according to Hillary? | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
-The Grammys. -Yes. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
He lost the Grammys cos they're rigged, too, apparently. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Yes. His show didn't win. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Absolutely. Let's have a little look, shall we? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme | 0:15:45 | 0:15:49 | |
three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
Should have gotten it. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:54 | 0:15:55 | |
Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
and make Hillary feel weird? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Was it Putin? | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
-Barack's half brother. -Yes, indeed. That's right. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
He doesn't like his brother, the President. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
Do you know why? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
Sibling rivalry. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:13 | 0:16:14 | |
Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Malik Obama told ITV... | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
And says to me, what have you done?! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
To be fair, though, he is the President! | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
What rule did Trump try and impose on last night's debate? | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
No sense. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:45 | 0:16:46 | |
No facts. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
He thought Hillary was on some kind of performance-enhancing drugs. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
A drugs test! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
So, yes, he tried to insist they both be drug tested. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
He'd have tested positive for Spray Mount. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
I just read that, actually. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
I was reading the paper, and I thought it said a rug test. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
What were the latest Hillary Clinton e-mails to emerge from WikiLeaks? | 0:17:10 | 0:17:15 | |
Stuff about infighting with her staff. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
Well, Hillary's campaign chairman, John Podesta, called Hillary's | 0:17:17 | 0:17:21 | |
Democratic rival-turned-supporter Bernie Sanders... | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
-I'm not sure I know what a doofus is. -Is it Latin? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
-Doofus... Yes. -I'm sure it is. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
A doofus. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Well, the plural's doofae. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Dooforum. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
Doofis, doofis... | 0:17:40 | 0:17:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
Just declining it for my own pleasure. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:46 | 0:17:47 | |
I don't know. What, because he was getting a lot of votes | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
against her, because he had policies that made sense? People liked him? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
He's too environmental. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
-OK. -Ah, that won't wash. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
Can't have that. | 0:17:58 | 0:17:59 | |
I mean, it is a pity that Hillary is such a terrible candidate. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Anyone else would have won by now! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
-If Michelle Obama was standing, it'd be all over! -Be all over, yeah. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Got the wrong President's wife. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
Obviously, a lot of liberals were upset | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
that WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
whom they all admire, appears to be helping Donald Trump. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
How did Assange respond? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Did he go and hide in the cupboard? | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
Did he have a further asylum inside his own asylum? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
He said he's on nobody's side. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
He sent this message from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London... | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Any preference, guys? | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Just lemon in mine, thanks. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
Do you know that, in the four years since he's been hiding | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
in the Ecuadorian Embassy, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
Julian Assange has only seen direct sunlight for 20 minutes... | 0:18:57 | 0:19:02 | |
..leading to many letters from people in Manchester | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
asking if they can stay with him. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
This is the US election, and the third presidential debate. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
One of the latest allegations of Trump's misogyny | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
came from a former Swedish supermodel who said... | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Unfortunately for her, she ended up next to Bill Clinton. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
It's been revealed that Hillary Clinton's code name | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
used by her secret service protection team is... | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
Whereas, if someone attacks Donald Trump, | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
his code name will be "never mind". | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
Comparing the work of their respective charities, | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation... | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
Apparently, it's very realistic. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
The hands seem to follow you round the room. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:01 | 0:20:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
And so to round two... the one-armed bandit of news. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
BUZZER | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
This is the reconstruction of the Battle of Hastings in 1066. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
As you can see, the battlefield's changed somewhat over the years. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
Roughly where the coal-effect fire is is where Harold fell... | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:29 | 0:20:30 | |
..and the drinks cabinet represents where William the Conqueror | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
made his victory speech. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
Near as dammit, Paul. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
-Is it?! -LAUGHTER | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
It's the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
And if you don't want to know the result, look away now... | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Who won? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Who won the Battle of Hastings? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
-It was a score draw. -Wasn't it West Ham? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:56 | 0:20:57 | |
Looked like an away win at one point. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Well, one Battle of Hastings fan built this wonderful castle | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
out of balloons... | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
APPRECIATIVE MURMURING | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
And they even did a balloon Harold. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
What else happened to commemorate the big day? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
Well, they had a re-enactment, didn't they, in Battle? | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
1,000 history aficionados recreated the battle in full costume. Twice. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:22 | |
Here's one of them practising at home. Yeah. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:24 | 0:21:25 | |
That's how I open the door on Halloween. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
How did the guy playing Harold get the gig? Do you know? | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
I'll tell you. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
-Go on. -The very Mediaeval-sounding... | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
..told the Guardian he got the role of Harold because he's tall, and... | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
So, nothing like Harold at all, then. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
According to the Guardian, those involved in the reconstruction... | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
What is the chivalric code of battle reconstruction? | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
When you're reconstructing a battle, you shouldn't kill other people. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:01 | 0:22:02 | |
Cos that really takes the fun out of the whole day. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
Well, it means anyone struck hard with a blunted sword or axe... | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:15 | 0:22:16 | |
I think I'd just lie down and close my eyes | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
as soon as the whistle went, really. It's easier, isn't it? | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
The Week Magazine busted a few myths about the Battle of Hastings. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
Can anyone guess what they were? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
It didn't happen in Hastings. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:27 | |
It wasn't a battle. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
-Wasn't in 1066. -No-one called Harold involved. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
And the words "of" and "the" are under suspicion. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
It wasn't actually in Hastings, was it? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
-It was, in fact, in Battle. -Yeah. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
They thought that was a good name for a place. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
-We're having a battle anyway. -Exactly. -Let's go there. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
-It's called Battle, let's go there. -LAUGHTER | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
But then they thought, if they called it the Battle of Battle, | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
-people would think they were silly. -LAUGHTER | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
They nearly had a fight in a northern town called Skirmish. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:54 | 0:22:55 | |
Well, according to The Week... | 0:22:57 | 0:22:58 | |
And then, when all the Anglo-Saxons gave chase, | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
they turned round and killed them all. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
It's a very old tactic. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
Has that been the Lib Dem's tactics? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:08 | 0:23:09 | |
Not until now. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
But it's important to learn. Yeah. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
As the local MP Home Secretary Amber Rudd attended the re-enactment, | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
where she spent most of the day | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
asking the Norman army how many foreigners they employed. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
BUZZER | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Sir Philip Green. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
The House of Commons are debating whether he should be | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
stripped of his knighthood or not. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
-Correct. -It's very unfortunate, | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
losing your knighthood in this country, | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
cos I looked into it when Fred Goodwin | 0:23:44 | 0:23:45 | |
from the Royal Bank of Scotland lost his. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
And the people who've been stripped of their knighthood before these two | 0:23:47 | 0:23:51 | |
are Mussolini... | 0:23:51 | 0:23:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
..Ceausescu and Robert Mugabe. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
So, they're in very distinguished company! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:00 | 0:24:01 | |
What are they called when they lose their knighthood? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
-Well, it's another title. -Yes. -You referred to it earlier. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
Does that begin with a T?! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:11 | 0:24:12 | |
Philip Green had a two-pronged approach for dealing with the press | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
when he was in Monaco. What was that? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
He never answered any questions. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
Well, here's tactic one. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:20 | |
Evading a photographer using his highly prized skills | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
as a sneaky little hider. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
And here's tactic two. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:33 | |
When the hiding doesn't quite go according to plan. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
Sir Philip, people want to know why you're on holiday | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
when they think that you're supposed to be sorting out | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
-the pension deficit? -Will you go away? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
-Why won't you talk to people? -Will you go away? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
-I will go away. You can squirt me with water but... -Go away! | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
-Why won't you just answer a couple of questions? -Go away! | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
-Have you got a message for... -Which bit are you not understanding? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
-Go away. -Hang on, hang on. There's no need for any violence... | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
-Just go away. -We are asking you questions. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
-That's going to go in the -BLEEP -drink. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
SOUND CUTS OUT ABRUPTLY PEOPLE GASP | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
Oof! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:04 | |
Oh, leave him alone, you monsters(!) | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:06 | 0:25:07 | |
This is the vote to take away Sir Philip Green's knighthood. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
Philip Green's legal team includes... | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
..presumably from Sir Philip's favourite law firm, | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
Pannick, Squirm and Grovel. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:29 | 0:25:30 | |
A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
for the last five years, and... | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
It's not its card. It's using someone else's. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
-Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane! -LAUGHTER | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
to nervous flyers on a flight across America. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
The duck has an official title. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:51 | |
Does anyone know what it is? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
Steward Ducky McDuck. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:55 | 0:25:56 | |
He quacks to soothe his nervous owner, and is called an... | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Someone has made this up. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
A greater source of pride to Mr and Mrs Duck | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
than his poor brother, Toilet. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
Does anyone know what an emotional support duck | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
actually wears? | 0:26:16 | 0:26:17 | |
It's not even a real thing. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
-An emotional support DUCK. -What's he wearing? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing... | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
-LAUGHTER -Brilliant. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane, | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
the sight of a duck in little red boots... | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:32 | 0:26:33 | |
..would not calm me at all! | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:35 | 0:26:36 | |
And also, hang on, he had a sign saying... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
-LAUGHTER -Aww! -And... | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:46 | 0:26:47 | |
Why does Captain America need to wear a diaper? | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:49 | 0:26:50 | |
I don't know, maybe he's got IBS or something. Who knows, Paul? | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
That's not usually considered a superpower, is it? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
Actually, no, I think... | 0:26:58 | 0:26:59 | |
"Stand back, citizen, my bowel is irritable!" | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:01 | 0:27:02 | |
How did he pass the time mid-flight, for example? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:07 | |
How did he pass the time? Sudoku! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
Given that we'd never heard of him before this quiz... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
He looked out of the window. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
Having a gander! | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
LAUGHTER, GROANS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
Thank you! | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
Daniel also had a snack before boarding. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:26 | |
I hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten, | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
-but go on. -Quackers? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
According to one eyewitness, he had... | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANS | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
I've no idea what chicken fries are, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
but I'm pretty sure ducks shouldn't be eating them. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Shall we move onto other animal news? | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
-Why not?! -Yes. -Let's do that. -Yes. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
We know Kombuka the gorilla escaped from London zoo last Thursday. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:53 | |
But what was the first thing he did with his freedom? | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
-Drank Ribena. -Yeah. -Neat. Drank neat Ribena. -That's right. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
-I thought he appeared on the telly as Nicola Sturgeon. -That's true! | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
He drank five litres of undiluted squash. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
What will his teeth be like now? He'll never get in the country. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
-There, there. -Finally, what record has a Peterborough hen set | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
-this week? -Most eggs? -Yeah, got to be. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:16 | |
No, it laid the biggest ever egg. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
-Here it is. -Wow. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND GASPS | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
Do we have a picture of the chicken that laid that egg? | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
No, it's in intensive care, I imagine. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:27 | 0:28:28 | |
Which means, at the end of this round, | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
it's Ian and Tim have two, Paul and Chris have four. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:35 | 0:28:38 | |
Time now for the odd one out round. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
Ian and Tim, your four are... | 0:28:48 | 0:28:50 | |
Liam Fox, Ken Clarke, Sam Allardyce | 0:28:50 | 0:28:54 | |
and the ghost in Anthony Dunleavy's trousers. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
Is this to do with being caught on film? | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
It is to do with that. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
So, Liam Fox was caught calling businesspeople fat and lazy. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:07 | |
Ken Clarke was caught calling Theresa May | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
"that bloody difficult woman". | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
Sam Allardyce was caught all ends up. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
And the ghost wasn't. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
Yeah... No. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:20 | 0:29:21 | |
You're in the right area, but you just got the question wrong. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:25 | |
Is Liam Fox the odd one out? | 0:29:25 | 0:29:26 | |
That is the right answer. | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
-Yes. -Yes. They've all been filmed without their knowledge, | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know his voice was being recorded | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
when he called a British businessman fat and lazy. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
Now, Anthony Dunleavy claimed to film a ghost moving his trousers. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:43 | |
According to the Mirror, | 0:29:43 | 0:29:44 | |
Anthony had got home and had taken off his trousers, | 0:29:44 | 0:29:47 | |
thrown them over the edge of the sofa, | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
when the trouser leg began to move all of its own accord. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:53 | |
CHATTING IN BACKGROUND | 0:29:53 | 0:29:54 | |
Is anyone there? | 0:29:59 | 0:30:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:01 | 0:30:02 | |
Is that it? | 0:30:03 | 0:30:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:04 | 0:30:06 | |
I am convinced, and beyond doubt. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
I wish I hadn't insulted the duck with the red boots so highly. | 0:30:08 | 0:30:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:11 | 0:30:12 | |
That is the worst bit of film we've ever been asked to comment on, ever. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:15 | 0:30:16 | |
Was there a window open, or was it a ghost? | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
What's making your washing move in the garden? | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:22 | 0:30:23 | |
Is it Oliver Cromwell?! | 0:30:25 | 0:30:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:26 | 0:30:28 | |
-In other news... -Other news, yeah. There's a... Yeah, go on. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:32 | |
A thief was caught on camera this week how? | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
-Oh, he had the Roman blind down his back? -That's it. | 0:30:36 | 0:30:39 | |
-The police released... -It was a Venetian blind. -Yes. | 0:30:39 | 0:30:41 | |
Venetian blind, sorry! | 0:30:41 | 0:30:42 | |
Here we are. Police released CCTV images of a thief trying to steal | 0:30:42 | 0:30:46 | |
a seven foot long venetian blind. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
See if you can spot where he hid it. | 0:30:48 | 0:30:50 | |
-LAUGHTER -That's it! | 0:30:51 | 0:30:54 | |
Now, Sam Allardyce lost his job as England manager when he was secretly | 0:30:55 | 0:30:59 | |
filmed by undercover reporters | 0:30:59 | 0:31:01 | |
pretending to be wealthy businessmen. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
He's probably finished in football now, isn't he, as a manager? | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
-No, not at all. -Don't you think? | 0:31:06 | 0:31:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:08 | 0:31:10 | |
He'll be back next week. | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
According to the Sun, one person who's lost a lot of work because | 0:31:13 | 0:31:17 | |
of Allardyce's departure | 0:31:17 | 0:31:18 | |
is Steve Wallbank, Sam Allardyce's lookalike. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:23 | |
Surely anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression | 0:31:23 | 0:31:26 | |
with their hand over their face, Ian. | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
I don't look like Sam Allardyce. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:29 | |
-You might do with your hand over your face. -He looks like Ed Balls. | 0:31:29 | 0:31:32 | |
You know him, he's a dancer. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:34 | 0:31:36 | |
Chris, you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you? | 0:31:36 | 0:31:41 | |
Second half is just about underway. Who started the better, Chris? | 0:31:41 | 0:31:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:46 | 0:31:48 | |
Well, the second half is just underway down at Upton Park. | 0:31:50 | 0:31:52 | |
West Ham - 1, Southampton - 1. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
Who started the better, Chris? | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
Second half is well underway at Upton Park now. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
Southampton back on level terms against West Ham. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
Who started the better, Chris? | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
He has not got a Scooby-Doo. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:16 | 0:32:18 | |
That's not fair. I couldn't hear him. | 0:32:18 | 0:32:20 | |
I really should watch Sky. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
You should. Only 40 quid a month. | 0:32:22 | 0:32:25 | |
We could have the fitters round tomorrow. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:30 | 0:32:35 | |
-Would you actually come round and fix it yourself? -I would. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:38 | |
I'm fitting two tomorrow, so I can fit Ian in as well. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:42 | |
Oh, I can't wait! | 0:32:43 | 0:32:45 | |
Does Mr Murdoch come with you? | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
I don't know. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:49 | |
I keep asking the question but they say he's in the States somewhere. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:52 | |
Perhaps he'd like to come round to my house | 0:32:52 | 0:32:54 | |
and then I can answer the door with a sword. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:57 | |
They've all been filmed without their knowledge | 0:32:58 | 0:33:01 | |
apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded | 0:33:01 | 0:33:04 | |
when he called British businessmen fat and lazy. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
According to the Mirror, a man has claimed to have footage of a ghost | 0:33:07 | 0:33:11 | |
when his trousers started to move of their own accord. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:15 | |
When asked if he considered a medium, he replied, | 0:33:15 | 0:33:18 | |
"No, I'm definitely an extra large." | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
-Ken Clarke... -That's why the story was in... -Yeah, that joke. | 0:33:22 | 0:33:26 | |
Paul and Chris, here are yours. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:29 | |
The actor Michael Caine, Keith Vaz, | 0:33:29 | 0:33:32 | |
12 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester | 0:33:32 | 0:33:35 | |
and Chris Kamara. | 0:33:35 | 0:33:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
Well, I think the 12 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester | 0:33:39 | 0:33:42 | |
is probably the clue because they would be celebrating | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
their team winning the Premiership last year. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:48 | |
Michael Caine, we know, that's not his real name. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
He was Maurice Micklewhite, I think was his real name. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:54 | |
Keith Vaz was telling people that his name was Jim or John | 0:33:54 | 0:33:58 | |
and he sold washing machines. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
So that seems to me pretty much, it's about people changing... | 0:34:00 | 0:34:02 | |
-Have you changed your name, Chris, at any point? -I have indeed. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
-Have you? -Yes, I did, for the 2010 World Cup. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:08 | |
-What did you change it to? -By deed poll. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:10 | |
-To Chris Cabanya. -Why? Why? | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
What's Cabanya? | 0:34:12 | 0:34:13 | |
It's a Zulu warrior name in South Africa. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:17 | |
-Did you change your name by deed poll? -I did. | 0:34:17 | 0:34:19 | |
I think then all the other... | 0:34:19 | 0:34:20 | |
Michael Caine, the Leicester bakers, | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
the pizza makers and Chris changed their name by deed poll | 0:34:22 | 0:34:24 | |
and Keith Vaz clearly hasn't changed his name by deed poll, | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
but just tells people his name is John. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:28 | |
Correct. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:34:30 | 0:34:34 | |
I did exactly the same thing as you for a period. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:37 | |
I changed my name in honour of a Zulu warrior. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
I was Shaka Hislop. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:42 | 0:34:45 | |
Chris, of course, you told us you changed your name to Cab... | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
-What, Cabanya, was it? -Yes. | 0:34:48 | 0:34:50 | |
Because we have got Cabanga here. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:52 | |
Oh, that was it. | 0:34:52 | 0:34:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:53 | 0:34:58 | |
Hey, the things you do for money. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:00 | |
Have you changed your name back, though? | 0:35:01 | 0:35:03 | |
Did you have to change it again? | 0:35:03 | 0:35:04 | |
I did it as soon as England got knocked out, that was it. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:06 | |
So you were only there for a couple of hours, then. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:09 | |
Do you know what Cabanga translated as? | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
Zulu warrior? | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
SCATTERED LAUGHTER | 0:35:15 | 0:35:17 | |
-Twat. -Twat! | 0:35:17 | 0:35:20 | |
Hard cash! | 0:35:20 | 0:35:22 | |
No, it was "imagine", apparently. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:25 | |
-Imagine? -Imagine. -Oh. | 0:35:25 | 0:35:26 | |
And can anyone guess what event led to 12 Pizza Hut workers | 0:35:26 | 0:35:30 | |
to change their name? I think you... | 0:35:30 | 0:35:31 | |
Leicester winning the Premiership. | 0:35:31 | 0:35:33 | |
Absolutely. | 0:35:33 | 0:35:34 | |
12 members of staff at the chain changed their names by deed poll, | 0:35:34 | 0:35:37 | |
including manager Charlotte Smith, | 0:35:37 | 0:35:39 | |
who has taken the name of Leicester manager | 0:35:39 | 0:35:42 | |
Claudio Ranieri. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
Michael Caine legally changed his name to match his stage name | 0:35:45 | 0:35:49 | |
after being hassled at airport security. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
Who did he blame for the confusion? Do you know? | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
He blamed it on... | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
It's the same reason one of his fellow actors no longer | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
wants to be known as Alan Akbar. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:05 | |
Michael Caine, of course, would make a terrible terrorist. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:13 | |
He'd only blow the bloody doors off! | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Tim two, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:23 | |
Paul and Chris six. | 0:36:23 | 0:36:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:36:24 | 0:36:25 | |
Getting there. | 0:36:27 | 0:36:29 | |
Can I just say that this coalition is a disaster? | 0:36:29 | 0:36:32 | |
-6-2?! -Terrible, isn't it? | 0:36:34 | 0:36:37 | |
Well, not for you. It's quite good, but... | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
Do you think the scoring is rigged, Ian? | 0:36:42 | 0:36:44 | |
If I haven't won by the end, this is rigged. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:47 | |
I think it's rigged. | 0:36:47 | 0:36:48 | |
I'll see what I can do. | 0:36:48 | 0:36:50 | |
Right, time now for the Missing Words Round, | 0:36:50 | 0:36:53 | |
which this week features as its guest publication ScaffMag, | 0:36:53 | 0:36:56 | |
the scaffolding magazine. | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
Great! | 0:36:58 | 0:37:00 | |
It's a great magazine, they do set the bar very high(!) | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANS | 0:37:04 | 0:37:06 | |
And we start with... | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
Poles. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:11 | |
Using an impact wrench. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:17 | |
This article from ScaffMag details advice | 0:37:18 | 0:37:21 | |
from the National Access and Scaffolding Confederation | 0:37:21 | 0:37:25 | |
highlighting a considered list of arguments | 0:37:25 | 0:37:28 | |
concerning the use of the more efficient impact wrench. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
One of the comments below puts the counter argument. | 0:37:31 | 0:37:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:34 | 0:37:36 | |
Next... | 0:37:40 | 0:37:42 | |
Giving away free coffee! | 0:37:46 | 0:37:48 | |
-Oh, yes, indeed. -Yeah. | 0:37:48 | 0:37:50 | |
Waitrose are stopping giving out free coffee to take away | 0:37:50 | 0:37:53 | |
unless shoppers have actually bought something. | 0:37:53 | 0:37:56 | |
These items can't be... | 0:37:56 | 0:37:58 | |
Hang on, that's three of my five-a-day. | 0:38:03 | 0:38:05 | |
Next... | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
-Sweats. -But it's actually... | 0:38:11 | 0:38:15 | |
This is a Japanese robot that artificially sweats, | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
meaning it can keep on doing press-ups | 0:38:21 | 0:38:23 | |
at a relentless pace without burning out. | 0:38:23 | 0:38:26 | |
Despite sweating like a human, the robot can't shower, | 0:38:26 | 0:38:29 | |
which has led to the other robots calling him C-3-BO. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:33 | |
According to scientists, | 0:38:35 | 0:38:36 | |
the robot can run for a whole day on just half a cup of water. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:39 | |
As a result, he's been offered a job at Sports Direct. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:43 | |
Next... | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
Accidentally signal to an enemy U-boat in the harbour. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:53 | |
Entire plot of Last Of The Summer Wine. | 0:38:53 | 0:38:56 | |
Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry. | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
-TIM: -Of course! | 0:39:09 | 0:39:11 | |
And lastly... | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
The highly credible Liberal Democrat result in Witney. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:19 | 0:39:21 | |
Rappers' obsession with mustard centres on the luxury brand... | 0:39:26 | 0:39:30 | |
The first time I had a Grey Poupon, | 0:39:31 | 0:39:33 | |
I assumed it was a niche adult website. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:35 | |
Of course, we've mainly brought up rapping just to share this. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:41 | |
MUSIC: World In Motion by New Order plays | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:46 | 0:39:47 | |
# You've got to hold and give, and do it at the right time | 0:39:49 | 0:39:52 | |
# You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line | 0:39:52 | 0:39:56 | |
# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack | 0:39:56 | 0:40:00 | |
# There's only one way to beat 'em - get round the back. # | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
And THAT is why we won the referendum. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:08 | |
Ian's doing his Sam Allardyce impression - look. | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
-Sam Allardyce! -LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:40:13 | 0:40:15 | |
As I live and breathe! | 0:40:15 | 0:40:17 | |
No, it's a terrible moment for me | 0:40:17 | 0:40:19 | |
cos I've just changed my opinion about Brexit. | 0:40:19 | 0:40:22 | |
So, the final scores are - Ian and Tim have two, | 0:40:24 | 0:40:28 | |
Paul and Chris have eight. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:30 | |
-APPLAUSE -Well done. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:32 | |
Defeat! | 0:40:34 | 0:40:35 | |
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
Ian Hislop and Tim Farron, Paul Merton and Chris Kamara. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
And I leave you with news that, arriving in Brussels | 0:40:43 | 0:40:47 | |
for a mini-break, one woman gets a nasty surprise | 0:40:47 | 0:40:50 | |
as she tries to change her pounds into Euros. | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:40:56 | 0:40:58 | |
At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:07 | |
And as the Foreign Secretary arrives at Buckingham Palace | 0:41:11 | 0:41:13 | |
to brief the Queen on international matters, | 0:41:13 | 0:41:16 | |
he finds there's strangely no answer, | 0:41:16 | 0:41:18 | |
no matter how many times he rings the doorbell. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:20 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 |