Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week, at an England training session,

Gareth Southgate tries to win over his young squad

by showing how much he's improved his penalty technique.

At a Leave campaign reunion, David Davis hears that Michael Gove

is about to throw himself off a balcony.

And in Islington, on her first day in a new job,

a Polish cleaner is given somewhat brusque instructions.

Nice to see you here this morning. This is my house, by the way.

Goodbye.

On Ian's team tonight, a German comedian who presented

Channel 4's An Immigrant's Guide To Britain.

Good luck getting a second series.

Please welcome Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party,

who's described herself as a tough old bird

and a short-haired, flat-shoed, shovel-faced lesbian.

Who writes your speeches, Donald Trump?

Please welcome Ruth Davidson, MSP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Ruth, take a look at this.

The pound is falling.

-That's them falling.

-As demonstrated by the falling pound there.

Don't know who he is, but he's very happy to have...

PG Tips, PG Tips. Marmite.

PG Tips and Marmite, and this is the danger of hay

can suddenly explode at a moment's notice.

-This is just typical BBC whingeing.

-Is it?

-Yes.

I mean, the suggestion the pound has crashed.

I mean, it's gone down a lot and hit the bottom...

-But it's bounced back up.

-No, it hasn't.

-Hasn't it?

-No. Boomph!

Anyway, we're not allowed to say that,

because then we're boring old sneery, liberal Remoaners.

-No, come on, it's just a government ploy, isn't it?

-Mm.

To make the UK as unattractive as possible for migrant workers.

What they want to do is send stuff home, yeah,

so dispose of the money, and if that only buys you a loaf of bread,

well, obviously they'll stay in Poland, then, won't they?

-Well, you're still here.

-Well, if I had any transferable skills, Ian...

I just said that, in case Amber Rudd comes round with a clipboard.

My team has a foreign worker on it.

I...

Yeah, but for who knows how much longer?

-I'm considering the citizenship test.

-Can you queue?

-If I have to.

-I try to get to the front as quickly as possible.

-Er, yes...

I wasn't even booked to be on here this evening.

It's the first one to get their towel down on the chair essentially.

This is the news that the pound

-has been subject to terrible fluctuations.

-Yes.

Would you like to see this expressed in musical form?

-Er, no. No.

-OK.

-Yeah, go on.

-Are you sure? Ian wants to.

-Oh, if you've made the effort, go on, then.

-Here you go.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS IN SLOW MOTION

Was somebody employed to do that?

To put the drop in the pound's value into context,

shall we play a little game called...

-Yeah.

-HENNING:

-Yeah.

-..What Can You Buy For A Pound? HENNING:

-Yes!

PARTY HORN TOOTS

You can buy ten of those graphics for a pound, for a start.

Last Friday, could you have brought this for a pound?

-Erm...no.

-Is the correct answer, yeah.

In fact, I've got them here. Look.

These are High Five puppets.

And they retail at 1.19

and last Friday, the pound was only worth 1.15.

-Donald Trump's welcoming hands, are they?

-Yes.

What about a cap that says "Bad Ass"?

-Can you buy that for a pound?

-Yes.

-No.

-No, you couldn't.

-Oh.

-That's...

-No, I tried.

-Did you?

1.22, that cap.

What about this? Could you have bought this for a pound?

-Yes.

-Well, actually, no.

It went below for a while, didn't it?

It did, indeed, especially if you went to Moneycorp

at Gatwick Airport, as Martin Lewis, the money-saving man did.

Moneycorp were offering 97 cents for every pound

and, helpfully, selling euros for £1.35.

What is Brexit Minister David Davis particularly cross about?

Is he cross about the fact that people are going on

about the pound, as you have been doing?

It was Ed Miliband and all the other MPs on all sides

who've asked for a debate on the deal

that the government is going to negotiate with the EU,

but David Davis is refusing to allow any room for "micro-management",

as he calls the workings of the Houses of Parliament.

Are you a fan of David Davis?

Erm, I didn't really know him particularly well, but I'm getting

to know him now in his new role and, you know,

hopefully, he can do a job for us.

We're going to need him to.

You'll go far in this politics lark.

What about the rest of the government? Theresa May - like her?

-Absolutely.

-I'm not going to go through the entire Cabinet.

I was thinking, this is going to be a really long show

and not a terribly amusing one, I have to say.

Oh, I don't know, I think it might get...

Who's been the chief winder-upper

-of David Davis this week?

-Keir Starmer.

-Correct, yes.

He was the former Director of Public Prosecutions,

or as Iain Duncan Smith called him...

Said the third-rate politician, but, er...

Keir Starmer, as the Shadow Spokesman for Brexit, had presented

the government with 170 questions about the plans for leaving the EU.

But I think 140 of the 170 questions from Labour

were, "Who's now in our Shadow Cabinet?"

-Who are the new big beasts in the Shadow Cabinet?

-Diane Abbott.

-Yes.

-She's a big beast.

-She's the Shadow...

She's the Shadow Foreign Secretary.

I'm not sure you're allowed to say that.

-She's the Shadow Foreign Secretary.

-I know, I'm not.

Shadow Home Secretary.

Who were the other surprises in the Shadow Cabinet?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes! No. Shami Chakrabarti.

-Oh, yes.

She's been appointed Attorney General.

Now, why are these surprising choices for Jeremy Corbyn?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn said, I mean, repeatedly during his career

that you shouldn't just parachute people into the House of Lords

that you want to put into government

and the House of Lords is a disgrace.

And then he appointed Shami Chakrabarti

to be in the House of Lords,

despite having said that,

and then immediately, appointed her to the Shadow Cabinet,

which he also said was appalling, when other Labour leaders did it.

I'm not suggesting he's inconsistent or hypocritical,

I'm just laying out the facts.

How did Shami Chakrabarti respond when asked about justifying

sending her kids to an £18,000-per-year private school?

This is when she said

-that she lives in a nice house, so it's OK.

-Yes, she said...

It's disgraceful, isn't it?

Like seeing how something as basic as public infrastructure,

like education, how can that be...?

How can it be privately run?

Surely it has to be run by the state?

It should be the monopoly of the state.

It's just not a level playing field

and whoever takes advantage of such an unfair system

-should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

-Oh, I don't know.

APPLAUSE

Don't applaud, don't applaud. I'm an absolute hypocrite

because, given half a chance, I always use the M6 Toll!

At the poor man's turn-off, "Bye-bye!

"I worked hard for the right to drive straight. Brr-rr-rr-rr!"

There is even a service station on the M6 Toll.

Always go in there. It's just...

a completely different class of people.

Well, this is the news that, following the Brexit vote,

the pound is now worth roughly the same as a euro.

Just as we leave the single market,

we join the single currency. Great(!)

As a result of the pound's collapse,

Wednesday saw certain brands running low at Tesco's, including...

..which really put the romantic dinner I'd planned for Mrs Mangan

up the spout.

Michael Gove did an interview with the Times this week.

In the article, Michael Gove talks about David Cameron saying...

He says Education Secretary Nicky Morgan is "fantastic"

and Boris Johnson is a "great guy."

Michael, it's too late, nobody's coming to your birthday party.

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

-Yeah, there he is.

-That's Boris.

Putin, checking on the end of the world.

-Yeah. Hippies.

-Stop the War, I think.

-Yeah.

And Jeremy having a good old time.

Has he joined a band?

HENNING LAUGHS

-This is the war in Syria.

-Yes.

Boris's first intervention as Foreign Secretary.

He has had one idea, which is a no-fly zone.

There should be nobody flying over Aleppo or over Syria.

But the only people flying there at the moment are the Russians.

-So, we need to shoot them down.

-Yes.

Which, again, could trigger a world war,

which will make Brexit look quite amusing.

Boris is a bit like the political equivalent

to death by misadventure, isn't he?

He's just saying something.

"Oh, let's see what happens when I say this.

"Oh, bloody hell! World War Three!"

Yes, this is the news that Boris Johnson has made

his front-bench debut as Foreign Secretary.

He made a blistering attack on Moscow,

accusing Vladimir Putin of being guilty of war crimes

by the deliberate targeting of civilians,

humanitarian convoys and hospitals in Aleppo.

Weirdly, he and the government haven't made a similar attack

-on Saudi Arabia's behaviour in Yemen.

-Hm.

But that must be coming soon, I'd imagine, wouldn't you say?

-Next week, now you've mentioned it.

-Yeah, yeah.

The thing was, when he said about, he said, "Great...

"A once-great country on the brink on becoming a pariah state",

I thought he was referring to the UK.

And, then, "Oh, Russia! Oh, I see. Yeah, them, too. Yeah."

Boris made another controversial suggestion during a speech...

-How did the Russian Embassy respond?

-It was furious.

They did what any self-respecting diplomatic mission should do -

they got very sassy on Twitter.

Within minutes of Boris's comments,

Russian envoys in London tweeted the Ministry of Defence, saying...

-Hm.

-Oo-ooh!

What did Major General Igor Konashenkov

have to say about Boris' accusations?

"They're not going to stop us"?

He called them...

-Nobody insults our rivers!

-Yeah, muddy London water?

-Piss off, Igor!

-Yeah!

Say what you like about our government, leave our water alone!

The Russians are much keener when they fill it with polonium.

But in terms of Stop the War, it does appear to be that it has

stopped some wars, just not any wars that involve Russia.

Russia walks into the Crimea, absolutely fantastic, so let's be

on the side of the Russians. The Russians are bombing Syria,

let's not raise our voice about that. Seumas Milne in Pravda today

backing it up, is just... It really is Stop the West,

and I think they are a bunch of shameless hypocrites

-and they should be called out for it.

-The problem is that,

if you have a statement from Stop the War, who are against wars...

-Just some wars.

-..and saying it's very important for us

to unite against the West,

you think, "Have you been watching this, at all?"

It isn't the '70s.

I wish it was the '70s.

-The Cold War was a lot easier to get your head round, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

There was the Russians and there was everyone else.

Exactly.

That's how I liked it.

LAUGHTER

Boris recently revealed some of his other dealings with the Russians.

-Did anyone see that?

-No.

At a meeting with the Russian Foreign Minister at the UN recently,

Johnson had asked British diplomats and their Russian counterparts

in the room for a show of hands in favour of democracy.

Anyone here know what that is?

A very, very poor bar snack.

LAUGHTER

Ruth, you ever felt Nicola Sturgeon's hairy eyeball?

LAUGHTER

Ruth, what do you think of Boris?

I think that he's got a tough job

and he's giving it his best.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Fantastic endorsement.

-Cos you're friends again now.

You did accuse him of peddling lies during the whole Europe thing?

There was a very big debate

and we've yet to see whether the £350 million a week

-is going to go to the NHS.

-Oh, I think we know.

-Yeah.

Do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

I, er...

Do you have confidence in the role of Foreign Secretary?

Cos you seemed quite equivocal in a recent interview.

How about saying, "I have confidence in Boris Johnson"?

I've always had confidence in the role of the Foreign Secretary.

That's what I said!

That's not the same as saying my sentence.

I suggested you say, "I have confidence in Boris Johnson."

We know you love the post of Foreign Secretary.

I sat down with Boris, we had a very good meeting.

-He's taking the role incredibly seriously.

-Why won't you say it?

I have more confidence in Boris Johnson now I've sat down with him

than I had before. There you go!

LAUGHTER

So, Ruth, do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

My confidence in Boris Johnson increases every day.

From a very low base.

Is this like the pound increasing in value?

The debate on the unspeakable horror of Syria

was obviously very important, but what did one group of MPs decide

was an even more pressing topic for discussion

at the exact same time?

What's for lunch?

Was it expenses?

-No.

-It was the Royal Yacht.

-It was exactly that.

It was bringing back the Royal Yacht. I don't know whether

it's taking the Royal Yacht that's currently in Edinburgh,

two miles from my constituency, and they're not having it back,

and press-ganging Britannia back in, or having a whole new Royal Yacht.

It's a real passion, the boat, for Sir Gerald Howarth,

who described Tony Blair's government's decision

not to replace Britannia in 1997 as...

Well, it does put the whole Syria thing into context.

Poor Sir Gerald.

What else has Putin been up to this week?

-He's moved some missiles closer to the Baltic states.

-He has, indeed.

He's moved some nuclear-capable missiles to the European border,

which means they're in range of Berlin.

That's your mob, isn't it, Henning?

Bring it on, then, mate.

LAUGHTER

Let's be having you.

This is Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson taking on Russia

-over the bombing of Syria.

-Yeah.

The Daily Star claims Putin is planning World War III

and they offered a helpful map of the top nuclear targets in Europe.

Portsmouth?

LAUGHTER

Why are they bombing Dresden?

-It's been done.

-Yeah, that's what I thought.

Actually, Amsterdam's not a target,

that's just the cloud of smoke that normally floats above it.

One man who could save us from all this global turmoil

is the newly appointed UN Secretary-General,

-Antonio Guterres.

-Yes!

-Although that does mean a sad goodbye

to the wonderful Ban Ki-moon.

# I'm making a list Checking it twice

# Going to find out who's...

# Going to find out who's...naughty or nice

# Ban Ki-moon is coming to town. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It sounds like a kind of Wild West term, doesn't it?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"He won't come out in the desert tonight. It's a Ban Ki-moon."

This is Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson taking on Russia

over the bombing of Syria. A Russian firm has just launched

a child bed in the shape of a missile-launcher.

You just put it up in your child's bedroom

and before you know it, he's annexed the bathroom.

A Russian lawmaker and key ally of Vladimir Putin has told Americans...

..which has left many Americans asking,

just how bad can nuclear war be?

And so to round two. It's the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes, Paul?

-It's obviously Donald Trump.

You can't help but feel that his opponents have been keeping

these leaked recorded messages back until they make maximum impact.

There was another one just today about him making a remark

about a ten-year-old girl on an escalator.

"I'll be dating her in ten years' time," sort of thing.

His attitude towards women is very much

his attitude to the rest of humanity, really, I suppose.

He's a dickhead.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Does that answer the question?

-Fair enough, yeah.

His basic problem is he's confusing the role of President of America

with 1970s light entertainment comedian at the BBC.

The fact that everyone's tolerated him up this moment,

suddenly they've said,

"Well, look, Donald Trump, he's awful, how could we have told?"

"He's been campaigning for months and months

"and we've never had any indication

"that he might be thoroughly ghastly, in any number of ways.

"I mean, how were we to know? This is unfair."

I'm slightly disappointed how that's all developed.

Like, now it's just, "Oh, yeah, but Clinton did this and that."

It's boring, isn't it?

I much preferred it when he still had his blue-sky thinking period.

"Let's build a wall to Mexico and we make them pay for it

"and Muslims aren't allowed in" and all that.

That was a lot more entertaining,

than harping on what Clinton did 20 years ago.

I think that whole contest has gone down the pan, to be honest with you.

The only highlight was, "If I win, I'll stick you in jail."

Now, that was good.

LAUGHTER

At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter

of The Apprentice in America could become the commander-in-chief?

It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News For You

could become...Foreign Secreta...

Anyway, erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm sure that loyalty will be rewarded.

Yes, Donald Trump has had a difficult week,

he's finally said something even HE thinks he needs to apologise for.

Publication of a video showing him discussing preying upon

married women and kissing and groping women without their consent.

Is it fair to judge someone on comments they made ten years ago?

I mean, this is surely just youthful high jinks, from when he was...59.

LAUGHTER

But he was even condemned by his wife, wasn't he?

Which is sort of pushing it, when the future First Lady says,

"No, he's appalling!"

To be fair, that was Michelle Obama's speech she just stole.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

His supporters leapt to his defence.

What sort of thing did they come up with?

"We're too thick to know any different."

Trump-loving radio host Bill Mitchell reassuringly tweeted...

LAUGHTER

Ian and Paul, you both know a lot about trains.

How long does it take to change the tyres?

Now, we mustn't forget about Hillary.

What's the latest accusation that's been levelled at her?

-She's not Donald Trump.

-No, that's her campaign.

-She's quite unpopular, isn't she?

-She's incredibly lucky,

there were some more e-mails this week released about Hillary,

in which she'd gone to a private bankers' do and says,

"Don't worry what I say in public, I think you guys are great

"and the only people who know about banking is you."

That's quite damning for a politician, but she's very lucky.

This week, Donald has, literally, trumped it...

by being the worst candidate ever recorded in electoral history...

-Yes.

-..in any country, at any time...

-ever.

-In any contest.

-And I'm including Vlad the Impaler's run.

Well, it's not quite a two-horse race,

because there is a third option.

-Gary Johnson is the Libertarian candidate.

-He's great.

-Fingers crossed that he's the sensible choice.

-Yes.

-Let's have a look at him in action.

-He's great.

What would you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?

-About...?

-Aleppo.

-And what is Aleppo?

LAUGHTER

-You're kidding?

-No.

-Aleppo is in Syria.

It's the epicentre of the refugee crisis...

OK, got it, got it.

Why is he wearing an earpiece?

Cos obviously it's not connected to anything,

-cos otherwise somebody would have told him.

-Mmm.

That's not an earpiece, it's keeping his brain in.

This is the news that Donald Trump has had another difficult week.

There is one Briton who likes Donald Trump -

Nigel Farage compared him to...

Where's a trigger-happy zookeeper when you need one?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is crazy, freaky clowns that are going around terrorising people.

-Yup.

-But they've been coming a cropper, because some people

are fighting back and, now, a man dressed as Batman is now

being a vigilante, beating up people dressing up as clowns.

Yes, that's correct.

Let's look at the Daily Star's soothing map of where

incidents have taken place so far.

-HENNING:

-OK, most of that up north.

Where they've got bugger all else to do.

LAUGHTER

Can I become Foreign Secretary?

So, from the clowns' point of view, what are the dangers of this craze?

Well, people stop finding them funny.

Yes, true, but it could be more physically dangerous than that.

-One clown was left with a bloodied nose...

-A red nose?

Yes. An actual red nose,

after one of his victims head-butted him in revenge, saying...

You've got a tattoo that says that, haven't you, Ian?

Yes, but to be fair, it is on his butler.

It's on the butler, isn't it?

It's a dangerous pursuit, scaring people, as we see...

-Of course it is!

-..in this classic clip.

-Are you going trick-or-treating?

-No, probably...

Argh!

LAUGHTER

This is the news that people around the UK are dressing up

as clowns to scare people. According to the Daily Star...

He said he was from the Home Office Immigration Department.

One local paper in Cornwall wrote about the sad case of Coz the Clown,

who claimed the killer-clown craze could put him out of business.

Wah-wah-wah.

LAUGHTER

Four years at clown school.

-There were a spate of...

-You should have done five.

LAUGHTER

There were a spate of sightings in Manchester,

one of a clown with a chainsaw, whose grotesque features

were terrifying passers-by,

but it just turned out to be Mick Hucknall trimming his hedge.

Mick Hucknall?!

Topical news quiz(!)

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes.

-It's a Samsung phone. Galaxy 7 or something?

It's catching fire. It's one of the things it's not meant to do.

It's got a fire app on it.

That's the right answer, basically.

This is the news Samsung have scrapped its Galaxy Note 7

after the phones keep exploding.

Why is this particularly damaging for Samsung?

-Well, they're a phone company.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

And they make them.

If you were a big bomb maker, it'd probably be good.

They said last summer it was the batteries. But they've changed it

and they said they shut down production

and then brought it out again. And the phone still explodes.

Samsung have recalled their Galaxy Note 7 smartphone,

which costs £739.

And, literally, burns a hole in your pocket.

Samsung also supplied customers with

an elaborate kit to return their phones, which included...

And they thoughtfully provided...

Or a hotline...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other technology news,

how could your house be able to understand you better?

Well, according to the Times, researchers at MIT have created

a device that uses radio waves and algorithms to...

You couldn't make it up.

-Your house thinks you're in a bad mood so it puts the kettle on?

-Yeah.

Maybe if you're smashing stuff or shutting doors quickly or...

-Smashing teacups up.

-Yeah.

-Putting the kettle on would just be

an aggressive thing cos that would be a sarcastic remark on the fact...

LAUGHTER

I certainly would be in a right foul mood if all the white goods

in the rest of the house,

if they all lived their own life and would be doing things

on their own account, with you asking them to do it.

-And you get the bill.

-Yeah.

You find out your fridge has been down a nightclub all night.

Dancing with the ladies.

This is the best news for Apple since their last UK tax bill.

The Galaxy Note 7 has introduced a new, innovative twist

to smartphone technology,

because if you're holding one when it explodes,

you're the one that's hands-free.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, one data specialist...

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, one data specialist has been tweeting about...

We've all got one those. You just go, "Put the kettle on, love!"

Could be a woman saying that, you sexists.

Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Henning on 2,

-Paul and Ruth have got 5.

-No! Outrageous.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Ian and Henning, your four are

Ed Balls, Andy Murray,

Mrs Troffea from 16th-century Strasbourg,

and Black Lace singer Dene Michael.

-It's got to be dancing.

-Yes.

-Ed Balls is still on Strictly Come Dancing...

-Still in there.

..unless this is a repeat, in which case he won.

-The man from Black Lace...

-Did they not invent the conga?

They didn't invent the conga. Surely the conga had been going...

right back.

When did you start doing the conga, Ian?

I think Ian has home movie footage of Lloyd George doing it, in 1921.

-HENNING:

-The painting has never danced.

Was she put to death for dancing?

Which one is the odd one out?

Oh, yeah, we still haven't got that one solved.

Andy Murray is the odd one out,

cos all the others have got involved in dancing and he hasn't.

Is the correct answer.

They have all led a dance, apart from Andy Murray,

who broke with years of tradition, by refusing to dance

with Serena Williams at the Wimbledon Champions' Ball.

What accident befell Murray, as he made his escape

from the dance floor?

Did his phone catch fire?

-Did he trip and fall over?

-Is the right answer. He said...

According to the Telegraph, after his Wimbledon victory,

Andy Murray partied into the night...

Or "Nice Granny" as she's known.

Ed Balls has made it through to the third round of Strictly Come Dancing

after winning the nation over with his samba.

Balls told the Mail On Sunday:

Which was all going fine, till he tripped over some miserable

old bloke sitting on the floor, moaning about the lack of seats.

You wonder why politicians

see the need to be on any light entertainment formats.

What is the appeal?

If there only was someone here that could enlighten us.

You should ask the Foreign Secretary that question.

Do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

I think he'd be excellent on Strictly Come Dancing, yes.

Not the question I asked, but moving along.

What nickname has Ed been given?

-Glitter Balls.

-That would be good.

-Yeah.

-It's actually slightly more

unpleasant than that. The crew have started calling him...

Since appearing on the show,

Ed has lost half a stone, due to the intense training and strict diet

and cutting out booze. Due to this, the BBC costume team have had to

take his costume in by a couple of inches, hence Shrinking Balls.

What tradition hasn't he got involved in? Dance tradition.

Donald Trump has done this, but not Ed.

It's getting a spray tan.

-Oh.

-Oh, yes.

-His partner Katya tried to convince him. Ed's main concern

was the fact he'd have to wear...

Ed Balls in paper knickers.

Sleep well, everyone.

LAUGHTER

Is he planning to dance just in his underpants?

If he's got paper knickers and he's got a Galaxy 7 phone...

LAUGHTER

Frau Troffea of Strasbourg was the first victim

of the 1518 Dancing Plague.

She began dancing in the street. According to parish records,

within four days, she'd been joined by 33 others. And...

Do you know what caused this mania?

-Poison mushrooms.

-Well, almost, yeah.

The latest theory points to a poisonous ergot fungus.

LAUGHTER

It's only when I come on this programme, I realise I know stuff!

-It's like an organic version of LSD.

-Lovely.

According to Wikipedia, the plague began in 1518,

when Mrs Troffea began...

Egged on by a young Mick Jagger.

At the peak of the Strasbourg Dancing Plague,

every 12 hours seven people died from exhaustion.

Or to put that in modern terms...

SEVEN!

LAUGHTER

Black Lace singer Dene Michael Betteridge

revealed that, during his time in prison, he led a 60-man conga line

-around the prison yard.

-I know their records were pretty bad,

but I didn't know he'd been sent to prison.

Doing the conga in prison. It's less a dance, more a trust exercise.

I'd like to be the one right at the back, to be honest.

Black Lace's albums include...

And after the court case - Guilty Party.

-Ruth and Paul, here are yours.

-Yes.

People called Gary, the Bullingdon Club,

the Japanese in the year 3776,

and Diego, the giant tortoise.

Gary, I think, there's a preponderance of Garys,

it's become quite a popular name.

The Bullingdon Club is going out of fashion

-cos they can't get anyone in, so that's demise.

-OK, yes.

They're all dying out except the tortoise.

Is the correct answer, yes.

APPLAUSE

They are all on the verge of extinction

except Diego, the giant tortoise,

-who has almost singlehandedly saved his species from oblivion.

-Ah.

Can anyone guess how many offspring Diego has fathered?

-872.

-Yeah.

Very, very close to the right answer.

In total 2,000 new tortoises have been released from a breeding centre

and they estimate that 800 of these babies have come from Diego.

-Go on, Diego.

-So he's father to at least 40% of the island.

Yeah, get stuck in.

LAUGHTER

The name Gary is apparently on the way out.

According to the Office of National Statistics...

All with the surname Barlow, all in the Cayman Islands.

LAUGHTER

What name is more popular than Gary in the UK,

with 32 baby boys and girls sharing that name?

Lesley.

River Rocket.

Adolf.

LAUGHTER

Accident. Mistake.

Liberty. Freedom.

-How many babies?

-32, both boys and girls.

-Both being called this.

-Francis.

-32 babies have been called...

-Hillary.

That isn't a name. That isn't a name, that shouldn't be allowed.

32 people were called it last year. A German couple named their son

after one of the biggest news stories of the year.

Do you know what the baby was called?

-Brexit.

-Yes!

They did not.

And 15 babies were named after a British politician last year.

-Any idea who?

-Boris. No. Although he might be the father, though.

LAUGHTER

-Corbyn.

-Corbyn is the right answer. There were 15 Corbyns.

One reason the Bullingdon Club is dying out

is that the official uniform costs over £3,000.

Another is that, if you want to eat a meal while surrounded by people

fighting and smashing up furniture,

it's cheaper to go to a Wetherspoons.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication, FishPal.

FishPal! Pals of fish!

On the subject of fish, we would like to make an apology.

In last week's show, Nick Clegg told you that Dr Steve Simpson received

£300,000 to study whether cod had regional accents.

This was wrong. Dr Simpson carries out this research for own enjoyment

and the greater good of humanity.

Serves us right for trusting Nick Clegg.

We start with...

-HENNING:

-White heterosexual men.

Salmon. Fish. Haddock. Bream.

Brown trout!

This is an article from FishPal about the brown trout winning a vote

to become Britain's favourite fish. Next:

-HENNING:

-Casually.

No, the answer is:

Oh, yes.

According to reports, the German set off from the French coast,

trying to get across the Channel to Britain.

You didn't manage it in 1941, Fritz, you're not doing it now.

Boring!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next:

HENNING LAUGHS

Britain and the European Union.

-No.

-Steve Watson and cod.

Getting closer.

John Watson and cod.

That's so good I've got to give it to you.

Next:

A really successful Tory Party Conference.

The answer is...

-You don't think that's true? You don't agree with that?

-No.

Absolutely rubbish. Especially mine.

-Where do you live?

-Legoland.

LAUGHTER

Next:

Man's intimidating trousers

cause consternation in local village.

-That was pretty much it, yeah.

-Oh, no, it can't be!

This is a county council meeting where one councillor's trousers

were called intimidating. Here he is.

Mr Dowson says he owns 41 pairs of camouflage trousers.

He needs that many because they're very difficult to find.

Next:

When he wrote Halibut Prince Of Denmark.

Er...Pilchard III.

-Midsummer Night's Bream.

-Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The answer is:

-This is Shakespeare, the rod company...

-Ah!

..as featured in FishPal magazine.

-Shakespeare and fishing have got quite a lot in common.

-Here we go.

You sit around for hours getting bored and, then, everyone dies.

And, finally:

There's no word missing.

No, the answer is:

Here is the cheeky mutt.

The incident happened at the Vatican as the Pope met with members

of the Dog Agility Group.

The Pope blessed the dogs, by making the sign of the cross

and, after one of them defecated on his shoes,

he made the sign of the very cross.

So, the final scores are - Ian and Henning have 5

but Paul and Ruth are this week's winners, with 9.

Well done.

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

-RUTH:

-Theresa May going, "Now, that's what I call a hard Brexit."

LAUGHTER

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Henning Wehn, Paul Merton and Ruth Davidson.

And I leave you with the news that senior figures in the Labour Party

hierarchy deny that MPs disloyal to the leader are being abused.

In Cornwall, one pensioner struggles to understand why he's not

getting any reception on his phone.

And as more revelations about BHS emerge, Philip Green poses

for a photoshoot, in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good night.