Episode 1 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

-What have I let myself in for?

-Not the first time you've said that.

This programme contains very strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Nick Clegg.

In the news this week -

on the train to Newcastle, Jeremy Corbyn's claim that all the

seats were taken is further undermined by

what his advisers were up to in the next carriage.

After a decisive Brexit Cabinet meeting, Theresa May is

relieved to have settled on a clear direction for the nation.

And at his constituency in Surrey, Michael Gove reflects on the

possibility of anyone in politics trusting him ever again.

Never. Never. Never.

On Ian's team tonight

is a comedian who has given advice to anxious school kids, saying,

"People need to relax and try not to get too stressed out over results."

I could have done with you in May 2015. Please welcome Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who admits she's not great at

timekeeping, saying, "Minutes sneak away from me.

"They leave in groups of ten."

You call them minutes, I call them voters.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Roisin, take a look at this.

This is the Ukip clock, which moves very, very quickly.

She's winding it up with her hands.

This is Nigel Farage, who finds everything funny.

This is the man who may or may not have been in a fight.

Collapsed. He's all right now.

He's in hospital, but he's got his European health insurance card.

Exactly.

Yes, who's the man who was involved in the altercation?

-His second name's like...

-Mike.

-..hook...

-Hooker..

-..jab, punch.

-Mike Head-butt.

-ROISIN:

-Jimmy "The Hand".

Ricky "Scarface" Fritzini.

Ukip MEP Mike Hookem, who's also Ukip's defence spokesman...

APPLAUSE

..and there was speculation that Hookem had gone on the run from French police.

Triggs on Twitter tweeted...

APPLAUSE

It's good that they're literally having a leadership battle,

though, isn't it?

Yeah, other parties do it in metaphors.

Ukip, they smack each other in the head.

We should say that Mike Hookem denies there was any violence

or that he was pursued by the police.

But why are they still going?

They're called the United Kingdom Independence Party. You've done it.

Go away. What are they doing on a day-to-day basis?

What... What's in their... What's in their to-do list?

You could ask that of any pol...politician.

Politicians sometimes ask themselves, actually.

They're there to make sure that there's no backsliding,

that there's not some huge resurgence lead, say, by Nick.

Why on earth did Diane quit as leader after 18 days?

The way she was waving there,

she found it hard to maintain for 18 days.

Repetitive strain injury. Is that right?

No, according to the BBC, she cited...

So that pretty much covers everything.

She also felt she didn't have the support of her colleagues.

Is there any evidence to support this?

Well, the fact that Farage was basically hanging...

waiting to come back in.

-He must have wanted her to go.

-He's on a bungee rope, essentially.

They don't seem a harmonious bunch. Just basing that on Mike Hookem...

beating that guy to a pulp.

Allegedly.

One political commentator tweeted a senior Ukip source who was

blaming it on a rift between James and Ukip MEPs, adding...

-What does that even mean?

-I know.

So, they were at one table and she was at another table?

-Completely on her own.

-Like the kids' table?

That's horrendous.

We've got to get rid of these goons.

There was one pretty clear giveaway that Diane wasn't too keen to

do the job. What was that?

"I don't want the job," she said.

Apparently, when she signed the official forms to take over

the party leadership, Diane had added, in Latin, the words...

Are you serious? Are they like the Mafia?

-What is Latin for "under duress"?

-Underus duressenum.

APPLAUSE

You should be in Harry Potter.

It's vi coactus.

Vi coactus. Fantastic.

-Or, in Diane's case, vi coactare.

-Vi coactare.

I'm going to write that under everything I write from now on.

"Amber Rudd was involved in a number of failed businesses before

"becoming Home Secretary.

"Vi coactare."

This is quite a bleak story, isn't it?

A woman is writing "under duress", like, sort of...

She hasn't got a friend in the world.

The only thing she can do is write a help message in Latin.

Someday, somebody will pick up on it and be able to figure out

what had happened to this poor woman.

She must have hoped that Boris would read it somehow.

Charge in to the rescue.

One reason suggested for Diane quitting was an unpleasant incident

where she was spat at at Waterloo station.

But it's not the first time she's been faced with

a thuggish man's spittle.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-KEVIN:

-Looks like a Listerine advert, doesn't it?

So, Farage is back as leader.

Or is he? Sky News had a good way of dealing with any confusion.

They captured an interview with Farage like this.

What did Farage say when asked if

he would return permanently as leader?

He said, "Never, no, absolutely not."

Did somebody not say, would he do it for ten million, and he said no?

Asked if he'd do it for 20 million, he replied...

Sod it, I'll do it if they're offering that much.

Farage has got more exciting things to do these days.

What's he up to this weekend?

This is the debate with Trump.

He's going to offer his advice.

He's off to support fellow demagogue and post-truth moron

Donald Trump in the second presidential debate.

There are rumours that Nigel...

It's all right now, saying it like it is, isn't it?

-Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?

-Anyway, moving on.

Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?

APPLAUSE

Nigel will be giving Trump tips on how to defeat Hillary.

What does the Daily Mail think specifically qualifies him to

-do that?

-Because he's won a huge referendum.

-No, it's not quite...

According to the Mail...

-Thanks for that, chaps.

-So it's all your fault?

-Yeah, most things are.

Or were. What sort of advice will he give Trump?

"Just go out there and enjoy yourself."

"Get in there early, go for the big lie first.

"If you vote for me, 350 billion will be given."

"Each child in America will be given an extra leg."

I think... I don't know how you feel about this, Nick, but I think

if you make promises and you get elected based on them...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no, not being...

I don't think people should be allowed to say things and huge

events happen because of what they said. It's fraud. Do you agree?

Especially with £350 million on the side...

If you put it on the side of a bus, then...

I don't want to live in a world where you cannot trust what

is written on the side of a bus.

Farage and Trump feels like, you know when, in movies,

where they use two bad guys from two separate franchises

and then put them in one film?

-It feels like Predator versus... What's the one?

-Alien.

-Alien. But with racism.

-Oh, no, he's not very keen on aliens.

It's an interesting dynamic because Trump is always very,

very angry about stuff, he's always really angry,

and Nigel Farage is always laughing.

So I think, together, it's a good on-screen partnership.

You can find out what Nigel Farage finds so funny,

and we can find out why Donald Trump's so angry.

-It's a great sitcom.

-Yeah.

Trump, yesterday, said he wanted...um... Sorry.

..the terminally ill to vote for him because they are the only

people whose futures he can't make worse.

He said, "You're going to die anyway, just get out there and vote for me."

Why does he need help at the moment, Donald Trump?

Because he's a psychopath and... It's not funny.

The whole campaign feels like being tickled -

at the beginning it was a lot of fun, and now it's really sickening.

He's going to get in, I really think he's going to get in.

-No! Don't be so miserable.

-Brexit!

APPLAUSE

No, I... I think if Donald Trump becomes President,

it's not a surprise attack, they've seen him coming for some time.

He'll have a heart attack or something will happen.

He won't get past February.

It sounded like you were going to do it, Paul.

"Don't worry, I've got this."

Let's just say that plans have been put into place.

The American system has a very good way of just neutralising

presidents they don't like anyway. Obama came in, that was it.

The entire machinery just blocked him for eight years.

So I'm sure the same will happen with Trump.

Hillary's not very popular either, of course.

-What rumours have been circulating about her this week?

-She's sick?

-That's always been the big one. She's got a cold, boo!

-No.

Some people have seriously started to think and claim

that Hillary Clinton might actually be a robot.

Oh, no!

I was thinking of saying that,

but I thought it's just such a ridiculous thing to say,

I censored myself.

A robot that gets pneumonia.

Incredible advances in technology, isn't there?

-They're so lifelike these days, Paul.

-Computer virus.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I can see Bill Clinton's behaviour in a different light now.

If he was married to a robot,

I could understand he might seek solace in the middle of the night,

instead of reaching out for... somebody with a tin arse.

He can sort of...reach out for a real woman somewhere.

President of the United States, got a robot woman at home,

you know, I don't blame him.

It might have been his one reason for getting into politics.

Get a girlfriend away from robot woman.

With her flashing eyes.

This will be replayed as part of Trump's campaign.

I'm willing to go over and speak.

-Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Have you met Donald Trump?

-Never.

-What do you think of him?

I don't know. Sometimes he's sort of... The way his hair...

Something like that.

And his mouth - small.

APPLAUSE

The Independent revealed that Donald Trump has told terminally ill

people...

..which has resulted in bad headlines for Trump,

but a surge in bookings at Dignitas.

According...

According to the Times, Tim Kaine

the Democrat vice presidential candidate, is...

He insists on "harmonica" because Hillary panics when she

hears the words "mouth" and "organ" too close together.

Mind you, " 'ar-monica" brings back bad memories as well.

Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.

This is our new Prime Minister. Not him, don't have a heart attack.

He's putting on a stupid hat.

Someone's trying to put on a rosette. That's a tough one.

Oh, no, he can't do it. Bang.

It looks a bit like KK Klan-hood,

doesn't it? Is this the Tory party conference?

-Yes.

-Well, there were two conferences, weren't there?

The first one, which was basically the Ukip conference,

where she said, "Boo to immigrants and foreigners and people who

"work in firms who are foreign. We'll cut them all down."

And then there was the Labour Party conference on the last day, when she

said, "Oh, tax avoiders, we'll get them,

"big business, capitalism, boo."

So, she's got the right, she's got the left,

-and if you're in the middle, she think she's got you as well.

-Yeah.

So this is the first Conservative Party conference with

Theresa May as leader and Prime Minister.

-What was the big announcement?

-She's set a date for Brexit.

-That's it.

And, amusingly, she said it will be right at the end of March,

which means we'll leave the EU on April 1st.

I haven't even read Article 50, and she's prepared to trigger it.

And it's very soon. It took me about six months to get out of

a Vodafone contract. This is...

..getting stuff moving.

She's going to indeed trigger Article 50 by March 2017,

whatever that means.

Some European thing, I've lost interest completely.

There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out the EU, but

Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit

will definitely be sorted.

And, Conference, mark my words, we will

make breakfast...Brexit a success.

APPLAUSE

Could it be that the entire nation has voted under

a slight misapprehension?

They were merely wanting breakfast.

Now, should we be allowed to discuss Theresa May's clothes?

-I suppose so, yes.

-We don't discuss Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond.

Yes, we do. We discuss Boris's hair, his ties,

whether his trousers are off or on.

Anyway, she said

it's fine to talk about her shoes because then she can buy some more.

-Yes.

-They were great shoes. She had a pair of crackers on yesterday.

They were very rock and roll.

She came out to the Stones, and it was like all this

appropriating this kind of cool hip, and she kept quoting Sam Cooke,

like, "A change is going to come."

And it's like, what?! That's like a civil rights anthem.

And you're using it like, "A change is going to come,

"foreigners getting out."

There was a pair of steel-tipped shoes.

And these are the issues that really matter.

I'm not interested in workers' representation on boards,

let's have the shoes.

There we go. Steel-capped.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

They're the real front of a nuclear sub, aren't they?

Killer shoes.

Theresa May may have severed most ties with David Cameron,

but some things never change.

Who did she find the time to meet on a 36-hour whistle-stop visit

-to the United Nations in New York last month?

-Justin Bieber.

It was Rupert Murdoch.

Because obviously she hasn't been elected yet...by him.

And then she flew back...to give someone a kicking in those heels.

Probably Michael Gove.

She... I mean, you were there.

-She didn't really like many of the Tories, did she? The old ones.

-No.

-Neither did I, actually, but anyway.

-Did you like her?

-Did you like Theresa May?

-Y-Y-Y... I-I-I...

Anyway, the answer?

-It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job.

-No.

No, I doubt that very much. Now, Boris Johnson made a speech.

What did he say were the two sides of liberty's golden coin?

Was it heads and tails?

No. He said...

CHEERING

By which he meant the embodiments of economic and political...

I mean, you must have been welling up at that point, Ian.

I was certainly throwing up.

I seem to remember that shortly after the vote,

a senior public figure appeared on Question Time with

David Dimbleby, calling for Boris Johnson to be arrested.

Can you remember who that was, Ian?

Yes, and I stick by it.

-Now, Liam Fox was waving the flag for British business.

-Yes.

Which business is he particularly interested in supporting?

-These are tough questions, Nick.

-Yeah.

It's like we've gone into University Challenge.

-Can we get a clue?

-Yeah...

-British.

-Breakfast.

-The breakfast business?

-ROISIN:

-Bacon.

The innovative jam business.

His department sent out this tweet during the conference.

-Seriously.

-How innovative can you be with a jam? It's only...

Don't use any fruit.

No-one in Fox's team has the conviction or passion of

former Food and Environment Minister Liz Truss.

We import two-thirds of our cheese.

That...is...a...disgrace.

Oh, well, the environment's loss

is now the Justice Department's loss, too.

What does Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt want to do?

He wants to create more home-grown doctors,

which is brilliant, if late, and there was some confusion

about whether foreign doctors had to go home straightaway.

So, you're in the middle of a consultation - "Oh, they've gone."

But he's also doing a thing, instead of keeping them,

luring them to stay, he's making it that they have to work for the NHS

for four years after they graduate, so they can't go somewhere else.

After spending £70,000 each to train for five years,

I imagine junior doctors will think that's pretty fair.

Perhaps one of them took this photo of Jeremy Hunt.

APPLAUSE

Jeremy Hunt definitely does have one fan. Now, who is that?

It's not me!

Is it Jeremy Hunt?

Who absolutely loved his own speech, as we can see here?

..And we must recognise it today.

..Fighting this horrible disease.

..We will launch the campaign you want.

Wow!

-And none of you have mentioned Philip Hammond yet.

-No...

What an appalling error!

How could we have forgotten Philip Hammond?

Someone said, during his speech,

they really did lose the will to live.

Now, that's actually a bit unfair,

because he actually did tell a few jokes in his speech.

Would anyone like to hear one? It was about Ed Balls.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-Yeah? OK.

By the way, you know Ed wasn't their first choice for Strictly?

They were going to ask Corbyn to do it, but then someone...

..someone told him...someone told them that he had two left feet.

GROANING

And this is his own party!

"Boo! Get off!"

Politicians and jokes, eh? Anyway, um...

I don't know, some of them are quite good at it, in the end.

-Not deliberately.

-What's Jeremy Corbyn...

-Would you ever go on Strictly Come Dancing, Nick?

-No!

-No?

-No.

All right. Sorry, mate, I was just asking.

Well, that's top of the range.

It's Strictly, then I'm a Celebrity...

Have I Got News For You.

I'm starting at the bottom rung!

Now, what's Jeremy Corbyn been doing while all this has been going on?

He's been rambling at Hadrian's Wall.

Is that just a bit of gossip, or...?

No, he put photos up, because he bought some sort of jumper. Um...

Some Sort Of Jumper - that could be the title of an autobiography.

He's had a bit of a reshuffle and he was also doing this last week.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

In the background, there is a sweet little model of Rome...burning.

It's the Conservative Party conference,

where Theresa May has called on the Tories to embrace the centre ground.

The Prime Minister criticised the liberal elite for belittling

the intellectual capacity of ordinary voters.

Quite right - the time to do that is with an exam

when they are 11 years old.

According to the new Home Secretary, Amber Rudd,

every taxi driver is going to be questioned on whether or not

they are supposed to be here, to which they will reply,

"You're right, mate, I should have been in Finchley ten minutes ago."

Theresa May has constantly reminded us

that the people have voted for Brexit.

She's less quick to remind us that people didn't vote for her

to be Prime Minister, and let's face it, she only got the job

because she was against a buffoon, a total git and Andrea Leadsom.

Didn't work for everyone, though, did it?

And so, to round two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

BELL

Ian and Kevin?

Fish - someone has found out that they talk to each other

in regional accents.

-They talk to each other in regional accents?!

-They do.

This is the news that scientists have been given £300,000

to study whether cod have regional accents.

Why does it matter that some cod sound different to other cod?

If they think the cod's a bit rough for them or

a bit too posh for them, they won't go with them, you know.

Like, a Midlands cod wouldn't go with an Ascot cod.

They can't find each other.

-MIDLANDS ACCENT:

-I love you, but I can't help but feel

that we shouldn't be together.

You swim in deeper waters than I do.

That is, extraordinarily enough, basically right. According...

It can't be!

How can that be right?!

Global warming is pushing southern cod populations north,

so Cornish cod could be mingling with Scousers.

According to the Daily Star...

Would anyone like to hear the romantic crooning of a smitten cod?

-Yes, please.

-Here is an American cod.

-Right.

LOW-PITCHED HONKING

"Vote Trump," it seems to be saying.

And here is a cod from Norway.

LOW-PITCHED HONKING

"Help, I'm drowning!"

-Can anyone tell the difference?

-No!

-Which one is sexier?

-Well, I fancied the Norwegian.

-Did you?

-Yeah, he sounded friendlier.

Do you think? Did you think the American was a bit of a braggart?

-Yeah, he didn't sound like he had read as much.

-No.

What will Dr Simpson do if his £300,000 study into

UK cod accents proves successful?

He'll do another one for £500,000!

His next mission will be...

-Ker-ching!

-This is a wind-up!

He's going to go through every species, isn't he?

And no-one could ever prove him wrong,

because that would mean them spending £300,000,

so he could just be like, "Oh, these cods, they speak, this one..."

"This octopus has a Scouse accent."

-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Look at how many arms I've got, love! 'Ey, darlin'!

Watch where that one's going, it's around here behind your back!

Here we are, oh!

I really hope they do have Scouse accents now.

Well, we've been told it by the former leader of...

Who are you, again?

Sticking with regional accents,

how have Ofcom upset the Scots this week?

I don't know, but I want to know, Nick. Why?

What's happened?

They've said that while calling a Welsh person a Taff is offensive,

calling someone from Scotland Jock was merely...

Other mild words, according to Ofcom, are...

..and...

I'll need to remember that for when I meet Prince Harry.

This is indeed the news that a study has been conducted

-into whether cod have regional accents...

-They haven't!

-The report...

-They don't speak!

And another thing, do dogs fly helicopters? Ooh, um...

Maybe...

Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is Jamie Oliver, he's got into trouble because he's come up

with a recipe for paella, which the Spaniards don't agree is paella,

-so he's got into trouble because of that.

-Because he's added chorizo.

-Chorizo!

-Uh-oh, chorizo! Bad. I don't know why that is!

-Sorry!

-Plus, some people don't find it very appetising,

because it's got a picture of his face right in the middle of it.

Some of the abuse was pretty bad. They said,

"Why don't you go and make chicken nuggets out of your own fingers?"

A Spanish man, Antonio Villarreal, tweeted...

And one Daily Mail commenter added...

But why? Why are people so angry?

This is cultural appropriation, which, you know, essentially...

But I've had chorizo in paella, in Spain, like, lots of times.

Yeah, but you are not allowed to say,

"This is my recipe for paella," because you're not Spanish.

Like, if you cook spaghetti Bolognese,

anyone who cooks it tonight is guilty of cultural appropriation.

The only thing we are allowed to cook is fish fingers.

That is Britain in Brexit future.

He should have just called it Paella alla Gibraltar, and then...

APPLAUSE

-Your wife is Spanish, Nick.

-Yes.

What would happen if you put a bit of chorizo in the paella?

There are very strict rules of what should and shouldn't go into paella.

Finally, something Nick's expert on!

Well, what can be added, other than chorizo,

-according to Spanish dogma?

-Rabbit.

-Yeah, rabbit, duck...

-Chicken.

-Chicken, snails...

-Donkey.

Depends on the region.

Have to be a pretty big pan, to cook a donkey in there.

Can anybody name any other food-related sacred cows?

-What, certain things that can't be changed?

-You can't do, yeah.

Haggis, I suppose, is a pretty traditional recipe.

I had an Edinburgh burger this year,

-which is a beefburger with haggis on top. That's brilliant!

-Was it nice?

Yeah, fantastic!

Just a sample of my life.

I've never seen you so proud!

Really delicious.

In Italy, you mustn't have Parmesan on seafood,

pineapple on pizza or ketchup on pasta.

And in Scotland, you mustn't have salad on a plate.

HOLLOW CHUCKLE

Can anyone tell me what Jamie has named his newborn son?

-Is it food related?

-Yeah.

-Basil?

-Oh...

-Nonstick Frying Pan.

George Foreman.

His name is River Rocket.

So, there you go, putting the chorizo in the paella

isn't the oddest choice he's made this year.

Jamie Oliver has outraged the people of Spain, several of them,

by adding chorizo to his version of paella.

One Spanish chef said that Jamie had landed in hot water.

Now the Spanish are arguing about how long

he should be in hot water for,

and whether the lid should be on or off.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

BUZZER

This is Kim Kardashian, who, up to this point,

I had no idea what she looked like.

She has been robbed in Paris,

they've taken away jewellery worth millions, and that's the story.

I didn't know who it was,

because I haven't usually seen her from this angle.

Would you like to elaborate on that?

She seems to have a front.

Anyway, it's a very, very exciting story.

They are reality TV stars, and this is reality TV.

That's an episode I would have watched!

Do you keep up with the Kardashians, Ian?

I certainly do. There is very little about them I don't know.

Married to Kanye West.

Y... Indeed.

And divorced from Kanye East.

They've got a son, Saint.

-Saint?

-And a daughter called North. Saint and North West. I know.

Whatever happened to traditional names, like Fred or Rosemary?

That's what I was...

As she was tied up like a sausage,

Kim Kardashian was the victim of what French police call a classic...

..or...

Wasn't that what Keith Vaz ordered? But anyway...

Faced with masked jewel thieves breaking into her apartment...

We are seeing you in a different light, Nick.

You've lost your damn mind!

Faced with masked jewel thieves breaking into her apartment

and pointing guns at her, Kim Kardashian said...

..to which the robbers replied, "No, thanks, we'll take the jewels."

Time now for the odd one out round. It's just one between you this week.

Michael Gove, Gary Lineker, Nigel Farage

and canoe man, John Darwin.

BUZZER

-Is it about beards?

-No.

BELL

It's about how much you hated Michael Gove.

Mmm...not quite.

-No, it's about underpants.

-Yes.

-ROISIN:

-What?!

Lineker - when Leicester City won the league,

-he promised...

-He promised to appear in his underpants.

The canoe man was found selling underpants

when they finally found him in...

Was he in Panama? Or was that Amber Rudd's family?

Er...

Thanks very much!

I hope that Amber Rudd marries somebody called Green,

then she'd be like a traffic light - Amber Rudd Green.

Just occurred to me, that's all.

Nigel Farage went skinny-dipping,

or the papers said he went skinny-dipping,

and he jumped off the end of the pier, which again, when you

first read it, seemed a more positive story than it turned out.

But then he said,

"No, I wasn't skinny-dipping, I had my underpants on."

So, they had underpants on. Gove...

Come on, you've worked with Gove, tell us about his underpants.

-Well...

-We've got nothing out of you this evening.

Well, they have all exposed their underwear in public,

except for John Darwin, the canoe man, who now sells underwear.

So, when did Gove expose his underwear in public? Come on!

-Was it in a Cabinet meeting?

-No, he did it while...

Was it in an argument over education?

He did it when he was a student at Oxford.

I think we can have a look at this.

I'm going to let you know what's underneath my kilt.

Now, just bear with me, ladies and gentlemen.

Ordinarily, people have to pay for this pleasure.

And I have, underneath my kilt,

a pair of Oxford Union boxer shorts.

What rumour from Gove's student days was recently revealed?

I mean, anything, based on what I've just seen there.

The university student newspaper, Cherwell, reported

that Gove took part in a...

..with two male and two female students.

What explanation did Gove allegedly give for taking part in the romp?

He was horny?

He fancied the other four.

He didn't have his glasses on,

he thought he was applying for a work permit.

Sources claim that Gove took part in the romp as he was...

Well, to be fair, it is a national sport in Aberdeen,

to beat up Michael Gove on Boxing Day.

They have all exposed their underwear in public,

except for John Darwin.

According to the Daily Mail, when he was a student at Oxford...

"Who's stabbing me in the back?" said one.

"Ah, sorry," said Gove, and turned the other way.

On his last night as leader of Ukip, Nigel Farage went

skinny-dipping in the English Channel,

the sight of which convinced a dinghy full of desperate

immigrants that they'd be better off in Calais.

And as soon as Mr Farage was seen floating in the sea,

the beach lost its blue flag status.

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

as its guest publication the Village Sign Times.

And we start with...

-KEVIN:

-Sandwich.

Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.

-KEVIN:

-New-look Spice Girls are back.

The answer is...

Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching

Britain's best old-fashioned swear words,

also including nippy, tarse and wittol.

And before you write in to complain, I can use these words,

as it's after the 1648 watershed.

Next...

-KEVIN:

-Get out of the house.

Spread ill will at every opportunity.

Wow, I wondered what Edward Snowden was up to these days.

Next...

-KEVIN:

-Lizard scales.

Don't go out in the day and only leave the crypt at night.

This is from the story of Brexit,

as told by Cameron's communications adviser.

Apparently, Mandelson warned Craig Oliver that coffee

was bad for his skin, and when Oliver replied,

"I've got lovely skin," Mandelson said...

Next...

Inevitably, things turned to cannibalism.

Just outside Falkirk.

The answer is...

Rather than visit Scotland to look at Scottish signs,

Ken spent an evening browsing the internet.

Though remarkably, his article failed to mention this one.

Next...

-KEVIN:

-Gave her a buzz.

To say sorry.

-Brilliant.

-Thank you, that guy that clapped in there.

The answer is...

The lady in question tweeted a picture of the cake...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next...

Eating something nice at the same time.

Chorizo!

-KEVIN:

-Watching the movie Alive.

Oh, yeah.

Scientists believe the white noise from aeroplanes may affect

how we perceive flavour. And finally...

They've had plastic surgery to resemble the motorway.

The answer is...

And that's what happens when you move from grass to skunk.

Why did you take your glasses off so coolly there?

Like, "That's what happens when you go from grass to skunk."

He's done that before, hasn't he?

That was well-practised, that move, wasn't it?

Definitely, I imagine you say that a lot.

-Yeah.

-Did you smoke skunk back in your uni days, Nick?

-What...

-Sorry!

Come on, we're bringing up Michael Gove's student days,

what about yours?

People have done worse.

-Have they?

-Your mate, he fucked a pig.

Allegedly!

-Allegedly.

-Allegedly.

So, the final scores are Paul and Roisin, 4

and Ian and Kevin, 5.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Kevin have this.

Big dog and small dog...

LAUGHTER

Let me finish!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Let me finish, please!

You were on a roll, I'd leave it there.

..have lovely evening marred as food fails to show.

-ROISIN:

-I preferred "big dog and small dog".

Paul and Roisin get that.

Big panda and big panda!

"Apparently, the Lib Dems are nearly extinct."

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

Oh, it's too late for that!

And here's a bonus one for you all.

The Empire Strikes Bake.

They're just bodyguards, don't you think?

To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.

They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.

Paul Hollywood - little droid.

Mary...

HE HUMS THE IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS

You having one of your turns again, Ian?

You wanted me to point out the next time it happened, remember?

Thanks, thanks, sorry.

He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.

Has this been a worthwhile experience for you, then, do you reckon?

-Hasn't quite finished yet.

-Oh, really?

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Kevin Bridges,

Paul Merton and Roisin Conaty,

and I leave you with news

that during final practice for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing,

Ed Balls decides to end his quickstep by trying the splits.

In Syria, as Russian warplanes go on yet another illegal bombing raid,

the United States finally hit back.

And there's drama in the grounds of Balmoral,

as Prince Philip loses control of the barbecue.

Good night.