Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jo Brand.

In the news this week...

At the European Parliament,

as Theresa May explains the British government's position

on trade tariffs and post-Brexit import restrictions,

security struggles to cope.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

In London, one disgruntled commuter decides to put his dispute

with the rail company behind him and move on.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

And following viewers' complaints that EastEnders is too bleak,

scriptwriters come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell.

LATIN DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrat party,

who is appearing on the show just two weeks after Nick Clegg,

which means the Lib Dems have had almost as many seats in this studio

as they have in Parliament. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Please welcome Tim Farron.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit

who's famous for not knowing what's going on on the pitch.

Which makes him favourite to be the next England manager.

LAUGHTER

Please welcome Chris Kamara.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you likely to be the next England manager?

No, I'm not likely to be the next England manager.

OK, I'm just checking.

I've got too many skeletons in my closet!

LAUGHTER

How about President of the United States of America?

LAUGHTER

That's a possibility. I cannot believe for one minute

that they'd want to replace a black president with an orange one!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Tim, take a look at this...

Prime Minister, do you know what's going on? Nope, nope.

-Slippery animal there.

-With a fish.

LAUGHTER

-That's Davis and Fox.

-Looking like the pound.

Oh, the Chancellor takes on allcomers.

Yeah, Fox hunting, maybe.

This is Brexit, isn't it?

And there's civil war breaking out in the Tory party.

It's going to be messy.

-It is.

-It's going to be a party that falls apart.

Riven by factions. It's just...

-How can anyone do that?

-We have none of that, it's marvellous!

-LAUGHTER

-Well, there's only 11 of you.

-Yeah, well...

-LAUGHTER

-It's not quite that yet.

-Is it not?

Obviously, after Witney, we'll have gained three MPs, probably.

LAUGHTER

-In one seat?

-I think so.

-God, you're good.

LAUGHTER

Well, this is indeed the news that Brexit still means Brexit,

and we have to keep talking about it FOR EVER.

Pretty much forever, yep.

What secret document from Boris's past was revealed this week?

He has a column in the Telegraph,

-and he couldn't make his mind up, so he wrote two.

-Mm.

One saying we definitely should leave

and the other saying we definitely should remain.

And people have suggested this is...

you know, indication that he's a bit two-faced,

and wasn't sure which way to jump, or is a bit of a hypocrite,

or an opportunist, or, you know...

LAUGHTER

People are very, very rude about Boris,

I think, you know,

he's just on the make, really!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Have you had a chance to reconsider

your public call for him to be arrested?

LAUGHTER

-No.

-"No"!

LAUGHTER

I stick by every word of it.

Except I've got another column

where I said I thought he should be let off.

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at what his secret one actually said.

The secret one!

Also, he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit,

arguing that it could lead to economic shock,

Russian aggression

and a new Scottish referendum.

In fact, the only thing he didn't see coming

was Will Young dropping out of Strictly.

LAUGHTER

In his pro-remain article, Boris wrote...

Which is a strange coincidence

because those are the exact words he said to me

in a nightmare that's costing me a fortune in therapy.

LAUGHTER

Now, how did Boris Johnson wreak revenge

on his old pal, Michael Gove, this week?

-Ooh.

-Didn't see it.

Well, according to the Mail,

Boris's father, Stanley, helped blackball Gove

from joining the exclusive Beefsteak Gentleman's Club

as a revenge for destroying Boris's prime ministerial hopes.

LAUGHTER

They're a tough bunch, those Tories, aren't they?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, I can't join the Beefsteak!

LAUGHTER

The Beefsteak Club has a very clever way

of easing communication between its members and the waiting staff.

Does anyone know what that is?

Is that ear trumpets?

LAUGHTER

SPOTTED DICK!

LAUGHTER

You'll have to see the doctor.

LAUGHTER

There's a bell underneath the table.

-Bing!

-No.

If only it was that prosaic.

LAUGHTER

Great.

Is that also adopted by the Royal family?

LAUGHTER

-Charles, Charles...

-Charlie, Charles...

If I was one of the Charleses,

I'd probably just have one name for all the members, too.

LAUGHTER

-Does that begin with T?

-LAUGHTER

No, Chris, it begins with C.

LAUGHTER

What did Elmar Brok, chairman of... LAUGHTER

..EU's Foreign Affairs Committee

have to say about our Brexit ministers?

Do you know?

He said that one of them was extremely good-looking.

LAUGHTER

This is a very thin disguise, what's Boris up to?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's one of those glasses, nose, moustache, comes-off-in-one-go,

-isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

He did say...

Oh, dear. LAUGHTER

What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Mr Brok?

I wake up every morning

wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say next.

LAUGHTER

I have a special tea towel embroidered "What would Jacob do?"

LAUGHTER

Let's hear about the wonderful Jacob Rees-Mogg,

who looks like he's propagated in a greenhouse.

-What has he got to say?

-LAUGHTER

-Jacob who?

-Jacob Rees-Mogg.

-LAUGHTER

The finest halfback line West Ham ever had!

LAUGHTER

-Bobby Rees, Nickey Mogg.

-LAUGHTER

He was the ball winner.

-I remember him well!

-Nicky Mogg.

If you don't know who he is, you'll have quite an experience.

Here we go. LAUGHTER

Elmar Brok is clueless, he's a know-nothing blowhard.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, the first of around 300 migrant children

with family already living here

have been arriving from the Calais Jungle.

Why has this been controversial?

Some of them, according to some observers,

don't look as young as they wanted them to look.

The Tories are concerned that some of the refugees we're letting in

might not be quite desperate enough.

Which is very big of them.

On the whole, we prefer children to be either drowning

-or being dragged from a building in Aleppo.

-Yes.

Well, David Davis tweeted a picture of some of the children, saying...

-There are 14 of them, there are hardly any of them.

-Yeah.

But people don't like the idea that there's lots and lots

of young men, cos they're the people who come,

because it's young men who get... shipped this way.

The family say, "Oh, we'll give you the money, you go there first."

-They're going to be young men, that's what they look like.

-Yeah.

The Daily Mail are keen, would you believe,

on checking the ages of these people.

They've aged this man using a computer programme

as aged 38.

LAUGHTER

According to Microsoft, the app the Mail used is...

So we've done it to you, Ian and Paul.

LAUGHTER

Ian, 26.

-LAUGHTER

-What?!

And Paul, 28.

Don't get too pleased with yourselves.

This is what happened with Norman Tebbit.

LAUGHTER

23!

Yeah.

Obviously, it's quite tricky to distinguish adults from children,

as the Mail themselves pointed out

on page 13 of the same newspaper.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

Cindy Crawford, 50, and her daughter, 15.

-Oh, but which is which?

-Which is which? Oh...

Moving on, quickly... LAUGHTER

So, Theresa's in Brussels now, as we record the programme...

That's exciting, isn't it?

..hoping for...

Yes, we mustn't say hard or soft any more.

-Smooth.

-It's like boiled eggs. Got to be smooth.

And I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning

which I made in my Nutribullet.

LAUGHTER

What is she not allowed to talk about over dinner?

-And I can vouch for that, I was sat in the next room!

-Now, now...

LAUGHTER

-You as well?!

-LAUGHTER

I was told to hide in the airing cupboard.

LAUGHTER

She gets to tell the other leaders

what her plans are, but they won't respond, as Donald Tusk has said

there will be no pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered.

You go way back, you and Theresa, don't you?

We do, yeah. Once upon a time, we both had Rick Astley's haircut.

LAUGHTER

We stood for North West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992.

Let's have a little look at you in happier times.

Here you are in a synthpop duo in the '80s.

LAUGHTER

Am I right or am I right?

APPLAUSE

During that election, you were competing for the same seat.

-We were.

-And you both lost to the Labour candidate,

to Hilary Armstrong. Who'd have thought back then

that you two total losers could go on to such great things?

LAUGHTER

-Actually, Tim, you were in a band, weren't you?

-Yes.

Tell us what's going on here.

LAUGHTER

So...that is Robert on the right and David on the left.

And we were utterly, utterly dreadful.

Was that the name of the band?

LAUGHTER

We were terrible, but we had a great time.

Which sort of sums up my life, really!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.

Let's have a little look at some footage

from the Lib Dem party conference

a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.

Went very well.

Do you know which political party's having a conference here this week?

-I don't know.

-LAUGHTER

-Couldn't tell you.

-Really?

I didn't realise there was one. Is there?

The TUC were here.

LAUGHTER

Do you know which political party's got its conference

-going on here at the moment?

-Oh...

-Yeah, that one there.

LAUGHTER

What do you think of them?

What do I think of them? Who are they?

LAUGHTER

It's going well! It's going well.

Aww! Who's been using the referendum result

to further her own aims this week?

Go up the country to the top bit.

The Queen?

No. LAUGHTER

-Nicola Sturgeon.

-Nicola Sturgeon, that's right.

-What's she threatening?

-Another vote on Scottish independence.

A second one in a generation.

-Well, let's just have a look at how the BBC reported it.

-Yeah.

We're going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon...

LAUGHTER

..talking about plans for a second referendum on independence.

I'm sorry, we've very clearly run the wrong pictures.

LAUGHTER

My apologies there.

LAUGHTER

Come on, to be fair, none of us are at our best

that early in the morning.

LAUGHTER

He looked all right to me!

LAUGHTER

This is the bleating of bitter Remoaners

who refuse to accept the democratic verdict of the British people.

There, that's the balance taken care of.

Let's lay into the idiots that got us into this mess.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

If you clap, the complaints will just flood in!

LAUGHTER

In the post-referendum fallout,

The Sunday Times revealed that at one point...

The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Many have questioned Boris Johnson's diplomatic skills,

and feel he should be replaced by someone

who has a deeper cultural understanding

of our European neighbours.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, the Independent reported

that the first unaccompanied children

from the Jungle in Calais...

Well, you can't make the transition from squalor

and deprivation too abrupt!

LAUGHTER

Paul and Chris, take a look at this.

Here we are, the magnificent idiot, Trump.

That's Bill with his wandering hands.

LAUGHTER

That's probably her e-mails.

That's Julian Assange, who's become a burglar, not very successfully.

So, Donald Trump, American President, as he still keeps going.

He's losing lots of votes now as it becomes more and more obvious

-what he's like. That's basically it, isn't it?

-That's basically it, yes.

-The US election, as it struggles to an unedifying climax...

-Yes.

I've experienced a few of those.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, have you?

-Yes, yeah.

-Oh.

-Sorry to hear that.

-Thanks, Paul.

LAUGHTER

Were any of them your own, or was it sort of...?

LAUGHTER

The final debate was...

LAUGHTER

..on Wednesday.

How did the debate kick off?

-With a right hook.

-LAUGHTER

-No handshake.

-No.

Well, you don't want him touching you, do you?!

LAUGHTER

That's the sort of thing most women wouldn't volunteer for.

LAUGHTER

Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins.

He said...

LAUGHTER

What else has Trump whinged about, according to Hillary?

-The Grammys.

-Yes.

He lost the Grammys cos they're rigged, too, apparently.

Yes. His show didn't win.

Absolutely. Let's have a little look, shall we?

There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme

three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged.

Should have gotten it.

LAUGHTER

Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row

and make Hillary feel weird?

Was it Putin?

-Barack's half brother.

-Yes, indeed. That's right.

He doesn't like his brother, the President.

Do you know why?

Sibling rivalry.

LAUGHTER

Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.

Malik Obama told ITV...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And says to me, what have you done?!

To be fair, though, he is the President!

LAUGHTER

What rule did Trump try and impose on last night's debate?

No sense.

LAUGHTER

No facts.

He thought Hillary was on some kind of performance-enhancing drugs.

A drugs test!

So, yes, he tried to insist they both be drug tested.

He'd have tested positive for Spray Mount.

LAUGHTER

I just read that, actually.

I was reading the paper, and I thought it said a rug test.

LAUGHTER

What were the latest Hillary Clinton e-mails to emerge from WikiLeaks?

Stuff about infighting with her staff.

Well, Hillary's campaign chairman, John Podesta, called Hillary's

Democratic rival-turned-supporter Bernie Sanders...

-I'm not sure I know what a doofus is.

-Is it Latin?

LAUGHTER

-Doofus... Yes.

-I'm sure it is.

A doofus.

Well, the plural's doofae.

LAUGHTER

Dooforum.

Doofis, doofis...

LAUGHTER

Just declining it for my own pleasure.

LAUGHTER

I don't know. What, because he was getting a lot of votes

against her, because he had policies that made sense? People liked him?

He's too environmental.

-OK.

-Ah, that won't wash.

Can't have that.

I mean, it is a pity that Hillary is such a terrible candidate.

Anyone else would have won by now!

LAUGHTER

-If Michelle Obama was standing, it'd be all over!

-Be all over, yeah.

Got the wrong President's wife.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Obviously, a lot of liberals were upset

that WikiLeaks and Julian Assange,

whom they all admire, appears to be helping Donald Trump.

How did Assange respond?

Did he go and hide in the cupboard?

LAUGHTER

Did he have a further asylum inside his own asylum?

LAUGHTER

He said he's on nobody's side.

He sent this message from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London...

LAUGHTER

Any preference, guys?

Just lemon in mine, thanks.

LAUGHTER

Do you know that, in the four years since he's been hiding

in the Ecuadorian Embassy,

Julian Assange has only seen direct sunlight for 20 minutes...

..leading to many letters from people in Manchester

asking if they can stay with him.

LAUGHTER

This is the US election, and the third presidential debate.

One of the latest allegations of Trump's misogyny

came from a former Swedish supermodel who said...

Unfortunately for her, she ended up next to Bill Clinton.

LAUGHTER

It's been revealed that Hillary Clinton's code name

used by her secret service protection team is...

Whereas, if someone attacks Donald Trump,

his code name will be "never mind".

LAUGHTER

Comparing the work of their respective charities,

Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation...

Apparently, it's very realistic.

The hands seem to follow you round the room.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And so to round two... the one-armed bandit of news.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

BUZZER

This is the reconstruction of the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

As you can see, the battlefield's changed somewhat over the years.

LAUGHTER

Roughly where the coal-effect fire is is where Harold fell...

LAUGHTER

..and the drinks cabinet represents where William the Conqueror

made his victory speech.

Near as dammit, Paul.

-Is it?!

-LAUGHTER

It's the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings.

And if you don't want to know the result, look away now...

LAUGHTER

Who won?

Who won the Battle of Hastings?

LAUGHTER

-It was a score draw.

-Wasn't it West Ham?

LAUGHTER

Looked like an away win at one point.

Well, one Battle of Hastings fan built this wonderful castle

out of balloons...

APPRECIATIVE MURMURING

And they even did a balloon Harold.

LAUGHTER

What else happened to commemorate the big day?

Well, they had a re-enactment, didn't they, in Battle?

1,000 history aficionados recreated the battle in full costume. Twice.

Here's one of them practising at home. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

That's how I open the door on Halloween.

LAUGHTER

How did the guy playing Harold get the gig? Do you know?

I'll tell you.

-Go on.

-The very Mediaeval-sounding...

..told the Guardian he got the role of Harold because he's tall, and...

LAUGHTER

So, nothing like Harold at all, then.

LAUGHTER

According to the Guardian, those involved in the reconstruction...

What is the chivalric code of battle reconstruction?

When you're reconstructing a battle, you shouldn't kill other people.

LAUGHTER

Cos that really takes the fun out of the whole day.

Well, it means anyone struck hard with a blunted sword or axe...

LAUGHTER

I think I'd just lie down and close my eyes

as soon as the whistle went, really. It's easier, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

The Week Magazine busted a few myths about the Battle of Hastings.

Can anyone guess what they were?

It didn't happen in Hastings.

It wasn't a battle.

LAUGHTER

-Wasn't in 1066.

-No-one called Harold involved.

And the words "of" and "the" are under suspicion.

LAUGHTER

It wasn't actually in Hastings, was it?

-It was, in fact, in Battle.

-Yeah.

They thought that was a good name for a place.

-We're having a battle anyway.

-Exactly.

-Let's go there.

-It's called Battle, let's go there.

-LAUGHTER

But then they thought, if they called it the Battle of Battle,

-people would think they were silly.

-LAUGHTER

They nearly had a fight in a northern town called Skirmish.

LAUGHTER

Well, according to The Week...

And then, when all the Anglo-Saxons gave chase,

they turned round and killed them all.

It's a very old tactic.

LAUGHTER

Has that been the Lib Dem's tactics?

LAUGHTER

Not until now.

But it's important to learn. Yeah.

As the local MP Home Secretary Amber Rudd attended the re-enactment,

where she spent most of the day

asking the Norman army how many foreigners they employed.

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BUZZER

Sir Philip Green.

The House of Commons are debating whether he should be

stripped of his knighthood or not.

-Correct.

-It's very unfortunate,

losing your knighthood in this country,

cos I looked into it when Fred Goodwin

from the Royal Bank of Scotland lost his.

And the people who've been stripped of their knighthood before these two

are Mussolini...

LAUGHTER

..Ceausescu and Robert Mugabe.

LAUGHTER

So, they're in very distinguished company!

LAUGHTER

What are they called when they lose their knighthood?

-Well, it's another title.

-Yes.

-You referred to it earlier.

LAUGHTER

Does that begin with a T?!

LAUGHTER

Philip Green had a two-pronged approach for dealing with the press

when he was in Monaco. What was that?

He never answered any questions.

Well, here's tactic one.

Evading a photographer using his highly prized skills

as a sneaky little hider.

LAUGHTER

And here's tactic two.

When the hiding doesn't quite go according to plan.

Sir Philip, people want to know why you're on holiday

when they think that you're supposed to be sorting out

-the pension deficit?

-Will you go away?

-Why won't you talk to people?

-Will you go away?

-I will go away. You can squirt me with water but...

-Go away!

-Why won't you just answer a couple of questions?

-Go away!

-Have you got a message for...

-Which bit are you not understanding?

-Go away.

-Hang on, hang on. There's no need for any violence...

-Just go away.

-We are asking you questions.

-That's going to go in the

-BLEEP

-drink.

SOUND CUTS OUT ABRUPTLY PEOPLE GASP

Oof!

Oh, leave him alone, you monsters(!)

LAUGHTER

This is the vote to take away Sir Philip Green's knighthood.

Philip Green's legal team includes...

LAUGHTER

..presumably from Sir Philip's favourite law firm,

Pannick, Squirm and Grovel.

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.

It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford

for the last five years, and...

It's not its card. It's using someone else's.

Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.

-Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane!

-LAUGHTER

This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort

to nervous flyers on a flight across America.

The duck has an official title.

Does anyone know what it is?

Steward Ducky McDuck.

LAUGHTER

He quacks to soothe his nervous owner, and is called an...

LAUGHTER

Someone has made this up.

A greater source of pride to Mr and Mrs Duck

than his poor brother, Toilet.

LAUGHTER

Does anyone know what an emotional support duck

actually wears?

It's not even a real thing.

LAUGHTER

-An emotional support DUCK.

-What's he wearing?

According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing...

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,

the sight of a duck in little red boots...

LAUGHTER

..would not calm me at all!

LAUGHTER

And also, hang on, he had a sign saying...

-LAUGHTER

-Aww!

-And...

LAUGHTER

Why does Captain America need to wear a diaper?

LAUGHTER

I don't know, maybe he's got IBS or something. Who knows, Paul?

That's not usually considered a superpower, is it?

LAUGHTER

Actually, no, I think...

"Stand back, citizen, my bowel is irritable!"

LAUGHTER

How did he pass the time mid-flight, for example?

How did he pass the time? Sudoku!

Given that we'd never heard of him before this quiz...

He looked out of the window.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Having a gander!

LAUGHTER, GROANS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Daniel also had a snack before boarding.

I hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten,

-but go on.

-Quackers?

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

According to one eyewitness, he had...

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

I've no idea what chicken fries are,

but I'm pretty sure ducks shouldn't be eating them.

LAUGHTER

Shall we move onto other animal news?

-Why not?!

-Yes.

-Let's do that.

-Yes.

We know Kombuka the gorilla escaped from London zoo last Thursday.

But what was the first thing he did with his freedom?

-Drank Ribena.

-Yeah.

-Neat. Drank neat Ribena.

-That's right.

-I thought he appeared on the telly as Nicola Sturgeon.

-That's true!

LAUGHTER

He drank five litres of undiluted squash.

What will his teeth be like now? He'll never get in the country.

LAUGHTER

-There, there.

-Finally, what record has a Peterborough hen set

-this week?

-Most eggs?

-Yeah, got to be.

No, it laid the biggest ever egg.

-Here it is.

-Wow.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

Do we have a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?

No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.

LAUGHTER

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's Ian and Tim have two, Paul and Chris have four.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the odd one out round.

Ian and Tim, your four are...

Liam Fox, Ken Clarke, Sam Allardyce

and the ghost in Anthony Dunleavy's trousers.

Is this to do with being caught on film?

It is to do with that.

So, Liam Fox was caught calling businesspeople fat and lazy.

Ken Clarke was caught calling Theresa May

"that bloody difficult woman".

Sam Allardyce was caught all ends up.

And the ghost wasn't.

Yeah... No.

LAUGHTER

You're in the right area, but you just got the question wrong.

Is Liam Fox the odd one out?

That is the right answer.

-Yes.

-Yes. They've all been filmed without their knowledge,

apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know his voice was being recorded

when he called a British businessman fat and lazy.

Now, Anthony Dunleavy claimed to film a ghost moving his trousers.

According to the Mirror,

Anthony had got home and had taken off his trousers,

thrown them over the edge of the sofa,

when the trouser leg began to move all of its own accord.

CHATTING IN BACKGROUND

Is anyone there?

LAUGHTER

Is that it?

LAUGHTER

I am convinced, and beyond doubt.

I wish I hadn't insulted the duck with the red boots so highly.

LAUGHTER

That is the worst bit of film we've ever been asked to comment on, ever.

LAUGHTER

Was there a window open, or was it a ghost?

What's making your washing move in the garden?

LAUGHTER

Is it Oliver Cromwell?!

LAUGHTER

-In other news...

-Other news, yeah. There's a... Yeah, go on.

A thief was caught on camera this week how?

-Oh, he had the Roman blind down his back?

-That's it.

-The police released...

-It was a Venetian blind.

-Yes.

Venetian blind, sorry!

Here we are. Police released CCTV images of a thief trying to steal

a seven foot long venetian blind.

See if you can spot where he hid it.

-LAUGHTER

-That's it!

Now, Sam Allardyce lost his job as England manager when he was secretly

filmed by undercover reporters

pretending to be wealthy businessmen.

He's probably finished in football now, isn't he, as a manager?

-No, not at all.

-Don't you think?

LAUGHTER

He'll be back next week.

According to the Sun, one person who's lost a lot of work because

of Allardyce's departure

is Steve Wallbank, Sam Allardyce's lookalike.

Surely anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression

with their hand over their face, Ian.

I don't look like Sam Allardyce.

-You might do with your hand over your face.

-He looks like Ed Balls.

You know him, he's a dancer.

LAUGHTER

Chris, you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you?

Second half is just about underway. Who started the better, Chris?

LAUGHTER

Well, the second half is just underway down at Upton Park.

West Ham - 1, Southampton - 1.

Who started the better, Chris?

LAUGHTER

Second half is well underway at Upton Park now.

Southampton back on level terms against West Ham.

Who started the better, Chris?

LAUGHTER

He has not got a Scooby-Doo.

LAUGHTER

That's not fair. I couldn't hear him.

I really should watch Sky.

You should. Only 40 quid a month.

We could have the fitters round tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

-Would you actually come round and fix it yourself?

-I would.

I'm fitting two tomorrow, so I can fit Ian in as well.

Oh, I can't wait!

Does Mr Murdoch come with you?

I don't know.

I keep asking the question but they say he's in the States somewhere.

Perhaps he'd like to come round to my house

and then I can answer the door with a sword.

They've all been filmed without their knowledge

apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded

when he called British businessmen fat and lazy.

According to the Mirror, a man has claimed to have footage of a ghost

when his trousers started to move of their own accord.

When asked if he considered a medium, he replied,

"No, I'm definitely an extra large."

LAUGHTER

-Ken Clarke...

-That's why the story was in...

-Yeah, that joke.

Paul and Chris, here are yours.

The actor Michael Caine, Keith Vaz,

12 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester

and Chris Kamara.

LAUGHTER

Well, I think the 12 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester

is probably the clue because they would be celebrating

their team winning the Premiership last year.

Michael Caine, we know, that's not his real name.

He was Maurice Micklewhite, I think was his real name.

Keith Vaz was telling people that his name was Jim or John

and he sold washing machines.

So that seems to me pretty much, it's about people changing...

-Have you changed your name, Chris, at any point?

-I have indeed.

-Have you?

-Yes, I did, for the 2010 World Cup.

-What did you change it to?

-By deed poll.

-To Chris Cabanya.

-Why? Why?

What's Cabanya?

It's a Zulu warrior name in South Africa.

-Did you change your name by deed poll?

-I did.

I think then all the other...

Michael Caine, the Leicester bakers,

the pizza makers and Chris changed their name by deed poll

and Keith Vaz clearly hasn't changed his name by deed poll,

but just tells people his name is John.

Correct.

APPLAUSE

I did exactly the same thing as you for a period.

I changed my name in honour of a Zulu warrior.

I was Shaka Hislop.

LAUGHTER

Chris, of course, you told us you changed your name to Cab...

-What, Cabanya, was it?

-Yes.

Because we have got Cabanga here.

Oh, that was it.

LAUGHTER

Hey, the things you do for money.

Have you changed your name back, though?

Did you have to change it again?

I did it as soon as England got knocked out, that was it.

So you were only there for a couple of hours, then.

Do you know what Cabanga translated as?

Zulu warrior?

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

-Twat.

-Twat!

Hard cash!

No, it was "imagine", apparently.

-Imagine?

-Imagine.

-Oh.

And can anyone guess what event led to 12 Pizza Hut workers

to change their name? I think you...

Leicester winning the Premiership.

Absolutely.

12 members of staff at the chain changed their names by deed poll,

including manager Charlotte Smith,

who has taken the name of Leicester manager

Claudio Ranieri.

LAUGHTER

Michael Caine legally changed his name to match his stage name

after being hassled at airport security.

Who did he blame for the confusion? Do you know?

He blamed it on...

It's the same reason one of his fellow actors no longer

wants to be known as Alan Akbar.

Michael Caine, of course, would make a terrible terrorist.

He'd only blow the bloody doors off!

Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Tim two,

Paul and Chris six.

APPLAUSE

Getting there.

Can I just say that this coalition is a disaster?

-6-2?!

-Terrible, isn't it?

Well, not for you. It's quite good, but...

Do you think the scoring is rigged, Ian?

If I haven't won by the end, this is rigged.

I think it's rigged.

I'll see what I can do.

Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication ScaffMag,

the scaffolding magazine.

Great!

It's a great magazine, they do set the bar very high(!)

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

And we start with...

Poles.

Using an impact wrench.

This article from ScaffMag details advice

from the National Access and Scaffolding Confederation

highlighting a considered list of arguments

concerning the use of the more efficient impact wrench.

One of the comments below puts the counter argument.

LAUGHTER

Next...

Giving away free coffee!

-Oh, yes, indeed.

-Yeah.

Waitrose are stopping giving out free coffee to take away

unless shoppers have actually bought something.

These items can't be...

Hang on, that's three of my five-a-day.

Next...

-Sweats.

-But it's actually...

This is a Japanese robot that artificially sweats,

meaning it can keep on doing press-ups

at a relentless pace without burning out.

Despite sweating like a human, the robot can't shower,

which has led to the other robots calling him C-3-BO.

According to scientists,

the robot can run for a whole day on just half a cup of water.

As a result, he's been offered a job at Sports Direct.

Next...

Accidentally signal to an enemy U-boat in the harbour.

Entire plot of Last Of The Summer Wine.

Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry.

-TIM:

-Of course!

And lastly...

The highly credible Liberal Democrat result in Witney.

LAUGHTER

Rappers' obsession with mustard centres on the luxury brand...

The first time I had a Grey Poupon,

I assumed it was a niche adult website.

Of course, we've mainly brought up rapping just to share this.

MUSIC: World In Motion by New Order plays

LAUGHTER

# You've got to hold and give, and do it at the right time

# You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line

# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack

# There's only one way to beat 'em - get round the back. #

APPLAUSE

And THAT is why we won the referendum.

Ian's doing his Sam Allardyce impression - look.

-Sam Allardyce!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As I live and breathe!

No, it's a terrible moment for me

cos I've just changed my opinion about Brexit.

So, the final scores are - Ian and Tim have two,

Paul and Chris have eight.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

Defeat!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Tim Farron, Paul Merton and Chris Kamara.

And I leave you with news that, arriving in Brussels

for a mini-break, one woman gets a nasty surprise

as she tries to change her pounds into Euros.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt

by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next.

And as the Foreign Secretary arrives at Buckingham Palace

to brief the Queen on international matters,

he finds there's strangely no answer,

no matter how many times he rings the doorbell.

Goodnight.