Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You,

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I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week -

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in the middle of the Twitter storm over Calais,

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BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty shows her support for Gary Lineker.

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LAUGHTER

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After a crate of Prozac washes up on a beach,

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conservationists are concerned over its possible effect

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on local wildlife.

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And in Moscow,

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a KGB target survives an unusually subtle assassination attempt.

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On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter and stand-up

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from New Zealand who described the audience

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of her first-ever Edinburgh Festival show

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as "full of drunk, angry Scottish men".

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Well, if you insist on doing a morning show...

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Please welcome Rose Matafeo.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who recently resigned

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from the Shadow Cabinet and says that

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"In election terms, Labour is not match-ready."

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Unlike the bonfire in his garden

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with an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on top.

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Please welcome Chris Bryant MP.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Chris, take a look at this.

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Well, that looks like Heathrow.

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This is a bulldozer that Boris Johnson is obviously going to

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-lie in front of, as he promised.

-Oh, no, he's driving it.

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He's looking for Michael Gove now, I think.

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That is Zac Goldsmith with a crab.

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And...those are some weird people outside the Palace of Varieties.

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-So, yes...

-Good news. Good news for people who live near Gatwick.

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I looked at all the arguments and they are quite complex for

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should it be Heathrow or somewhere else? And Boris has promised

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to lie in front of a bulldozer if it's Heathrow.

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So it's gotta be Heathrow, really.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So this is the final, final decision, is it?

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There's going to be legal objections, though.

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People are going to fight this.

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It's not a forgone conclusion at the moment.

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Yes, there's going to be legal objections and also,

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MPs get to vote on it next year.

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Oh, really, we get to vote on something(?)

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It'll probably just be, MPs get to chat about it,

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like Philip Green's knighthood.

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Are you trying to suggest that politicians

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have no real value in society?

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Bit early for that. We'll do that later.

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There are other objections - environmental objections,

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and it might not happen.

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It's got to meet all these requirements.

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But aren't they European requirements?

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-So that's not really going to be...

-No, that's not a problem.

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The aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere.

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-So it might still be a European thing.

-Oh, yes, absolutely.

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It might just be internal flights after Brexit.

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I don't think anyone's going anywhere

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and they're certainly not coming here!

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Depends how big it is.

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Maybe you get a flight from Terminal 6 to Terminal 1.

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If the runway's long enough, they don't even have to take off.

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-Well, it's going to be a ramp, isn't it?

-A ramp?!

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It's an amazing design, isn't it?

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The idea we're going to have a runway and suddenly it's announced

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they're not going to put the M25 in a tunnel,

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-they're going to put the runway on a bridge over the M25.

-Yeah.

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Why wasn't it more part of the discussion that there wasn't room

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for the runway inside the M25?

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You'd think that would be a real clincher for Gatwick.

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Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment?

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-Oh, God, is this the Rhondda?

-Yes, it is.

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I'm sorry! Just for the rest of the country,

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I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London.

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It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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How much do you think we'll make from it, financially?

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-Bazillions.

-Sorry, how many?

-Bazillions.

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I thought you said Brazilians!

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It was just a random thought, you were sitting there...

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We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing.

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Whether they want it or not.

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It's the future for our economy.

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We'll be the waxing hub of the world.

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We could become the rip-off merchants of the world.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANING

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You'll all be using it tomorrow.

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You're getting it now.

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Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you?

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Who's the guy with the crab?

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-Zac Goldsmith.

-I don't know why I did that.

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-Zac Goldsmith?

-Yeah.

-OK. And he has...resigned? No? Yeah?

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He has resigned.

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Cos his constituency elected him on the grounds

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there wouldn't be a third runway at Heathrow.

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-Right.

-So he's resigned.

-OK.

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-He tried to be Mayor of London.

-Yes, OK.

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So now he has a lot more time to catch up on all

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the Bollywood films he hasn't seen, right?

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-Ah, you got that?

-I did get that, that is the worst.

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I've seen 100% more Bollywood films than him. Which is one.

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He's running as an independent, right?

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But because politics in this country is so mad,

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the Conservative Party's not going to stand against him.

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The slightly weird thing is that Ukip aren't standing against him

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either, because Nigel Farage is now backing him.

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I don't know how Nigel Farage has got time out from supporting

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Donald Trump in the United States of America...

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He can really pick 'em, can't he? Trump. Zac. God!

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Do you reckon Zac's just like, "Nige, no!"

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Yes, Boris has been vocal against it. Has he resigned, too?

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No.

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Has he not?!

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He's written a couple of pieces, one pro...

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LAUGHTER

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Didn't David Cameron say that it was in their manifesto?

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It was kind of, "No ifs, no buts, there will not be a third runway,"

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-as well?

-Yes, he did, yeah.

-Yeah.

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Unfortunately, the time for blaming him for everything

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has come to an end.

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-Not really.

-I think we should extend it.

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Listen, I'm still blaming Mrs Thatcher for an awful lot.

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It's just kind of quicker, you just get right in there.

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People can agree on blaming someone who's no longer at all relevant.

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Or alive.

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Has David Cameron died?!

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No, I didn't hear the good news!

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Oh.

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No, I don't hope David Cameron's dead.

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I just wouldn't mind if he did.

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"We interrupt this programme..."

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"There's been a chillaxing accident in Cornwall."

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He relaxed so much his whole bowel fell out.

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What have the Dutch been sending to Heathrow

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every year for the last five years?

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Dutch people.

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Liquorice.

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No. It's a foodstuff, though.

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- Oh? - Guinea pig.

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I suppose, in a way, it's a foodstuff once slaughtered.

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Cheese. It must be cheese.

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Cheese is a foodstuff even when not slaughtered.

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No, it's cake.

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-Cake.

-Cake.

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Schiphol Airport have been sending Heathrow a cake every year,

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thanking them for the delay in expanding,

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as every delay helps promote Schiphol

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as an alternative European hub.

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According to the Telegraph,

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the latest cake from Schiphol was a fine one...

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Oh, that's disgusting.

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They are endangered birds, OK?

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I thought it was actual people on the cake!

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This is the news that the Government has given the go-ahead

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for a third runway at Heathrow, ending half a century of delay.

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Boris Johnson is on record as saying that if a third runway at Heathrow

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went ahead, he would lie down in front of the bulldozers.

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I think the only word of that that any of us believe

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is "lie".

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The row over Heathrow may yet prove to be the Government's undoing.

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So it's come to this - a two-mile strip of concrete

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is now providing more opposition than Jeremy Corbyn.

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According to the Mail,

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one consequence of the third runway at Heathrow is that...

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I don't mean to be overly pessimistic,

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but if it's not opening till 2025,

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it may not be her problem.

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That's an appallingly unpatriotic thought.

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I didn't think the day would come when someone on the BBC

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would assert that the Queen is not immortal.

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Ian and Rose, take a look at this.

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It's our Prime Minister.

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That's the French for "get lost"!

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Trying to do a dad joke in Parliament, there we go. No.

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That's Juncker. Oh, in, out.

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Oh. Pick-up artist, there we go.

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Nicola does not understand roulette.

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This is about our attempts to forge a new deal in the bright dawn,

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that is overtaking the country, even as we speak.

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You see? I'm not a boring Remoaner.

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I'm being positive. There are things that are cheery.

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LAUGHTER

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It was slightly sad that our Prime Minister

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went over to the EU meeting and was only allowed in

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at one o'clock in the morning to make a five-minute speech at dinner.

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And apparently she was met in dead silence,

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and then she left again.

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Do you know what Jean-Claude Juncker had to say after that?

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Someone from the BBC said, you know,

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"What do you think about Theresa May?"

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And he went, "Pfff."

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-We have that clip...

-Oh, good.

-..in fact, it's worth seeing.

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Mr Juncker, Ros Atkins, BBC News. Good to see you again.

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-How did the evening go with Theresa May?

-Pfff.

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It's quite a catchphrase, actually.

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You nailed that, as well!

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Yeah, no, I've been watching him for years. "Pfff!"

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Do you think he thinks he's got one of those, you know,

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Christmassy things that you blow and go, "Parp!"

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in his mouth, and just forgot to put it in?

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He's been trying to come out all jolly, "Parp!"

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and went, "Pff!"

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Oh, forgot again!

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But I'm amazed she managed to fill the five minutes.

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Because she says she doesn't want to keep up a running commentary

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on what the policy is, or plan, or strategy...

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There could be a reason for that.

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-Cos there ain't one.

-ROSE:

-Yeah.

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She keeps on saying she doesn't want to show her hand.

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But, like, in poker, you can't, like,

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just pretend there are cards in your hand.

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I mean, you can't just be like,

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"I've got a good one here. Watch out!"

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-CHRIS:

-And she keeps on saying,

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"We're going for the best possible deal."

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And basically, she's not going to say what she wants because she knows

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that whatever deal she's got at the end will have been

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the best possible deal that she could have possibly got.

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-So she's saying, "Just see what happens..."

-Yeah.

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"..because that's what I'm going to do."

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LAUGHTER

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"By the way, if you're a room full of bankers,

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"I'm quite happy to come along and tell you exactly what I'm about."

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Well, yes. This week, she suffered an embarrassing bit of leakage,

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didn't she?

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A recording of a secret speech that Theresa gave

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to Goldman Sachs bankers a month before the referendum

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was leaked to the Guardian.

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In it, she warned that companies would leave the UK if the

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country voted for Brexit,

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and that the country would be less safe outside the EU.

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But why is it... She was against Brexit,

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so why is it a big deal that it turns out she meant that?

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Cos she was a bit half-hearted,

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and there were other people in other parties,

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-weren't there, Chris, who were...

-A BIT half-hearted?

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-She wasn't a BIT half-hearted, she...

-No, I was thinking of Jeremy.

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I'm still talking about Theresa May, I think you'll find.

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Let's stick with Theresa May.

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-Was she more or less half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yes.

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These politicians!

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-OK. Was...?

-I gave you a direct answer!

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It was a yes-no question, I gave a...

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-Yeah. OK. I'm wise to this.

-All right.

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-Was she more half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yes.

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Oh, so you like Jeremy Corbyn?

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He's leading Labour into the wilderness, you fool!

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He came up with a joke, though, at Question Time.

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Oh, yeah. It was kind of awkward, though, that joke, wasn't it?

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Was very, just, like, dad joke-y.

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-What was it?

-He said that, like Baldrick,

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Mrs May has got a cunning plan but it isn't a plan.

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-ROSE:

-And then she came back to him and was like,

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"Well, the guy who played him was Labour!"

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That's exactly what she said, right?

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The thing about her is, she's very...

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She doesn't believe in Brexit.

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People thought maybe secretly she believed in Brexit,

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and so it's OK for her to lead a government that's doing Brexit.

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Maybe she's changed her mind.

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Or maybe she doesn't care what the Government does.

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She just wants to be Prime Minister of it.

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-Ah.

-So she'll do, you know...

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Well, at least she's not like Jeremy in that sense,

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cos he certainly doesn't want to be Prime Minister.

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Or maybe not.

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You know, they're the perfect opponents, aren't they?

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The person that will be Prime Minister of ANY government...

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-And the one who'll be Prime Minister of none.

-Yeah!

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If Labour wins, she could say,

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"Jeremy, don't worry, I'll be Prime...

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-"I'll just do the Labour stuff!"

-Yeah!

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"I didn't believe in Brexit, I did the Brexit stuff. I can do it all.

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"I'm a session musician politician."

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So far, we've had hard Brexit,

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soft Brexit, smooth Brexit, proper Brexit.

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My personal favourite, dirty Brexit.

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How does Nicola Sturgeon like her Brexit?

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Continental.

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No, she wants a flexi-Brexit that would keep Scotland

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in the single market, even if the rest of the UK left.

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The Sun and the Mail spotted a sure sign

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that Sturgeon meant business at the meeting. What was that?

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Shoes. It was about shoes. It's got to be shoes, hasn't it?

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It was about shoes.

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According to the Sun, Sturgeon tried...

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Here they are.

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Whereas the Mail reported...

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So, snakeskin or crocodile?

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This can only mean, that for once,

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either the Sun or the Mail has got its facts wrong.

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And there are also signs she was trying to do

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Theresa May's famous power stance.

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-Oh, no.

-She didn't quite get it right.

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Come on, Theresa, show her how it's done.

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LAUGHTER

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Very nice.

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What has Theresa promised

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the devolved governments' leaders to help keep them sweet?

0:14:350:14:39

A say.

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Oh, God, no! No, no, no.

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You're going to have to think of the most worthless gesture imaginable.

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George Osborne?

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She's...

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Why might they have to watch

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what they say when speaking to him on the Brexit Hotline?

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Is it bugged?

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Yes, apparently Davis has been warned that all of the other

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27 EU governments are spying on him and intercepting his calls

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in an attempt to discover his strategy for Brexit.

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It's really amazing they think he's got one.

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LAUGHTER

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Not much cooperation if all 27 countries are spying on him.

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Can't they just get together

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in some sort of union and decide, "You do it"?

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How has Michael Gove been trying

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to worm his way into her affections this week?

0:15:260:15:28

Well, he gave an interview on The World Today,

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-in which she said she was marvellous.

-Yes.

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He said he was in...

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..with much of what the Prime Minister has said so far,

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and added that she's carrying out her role...

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Well, talk about damning with faint praise!

0:15:460:15:48

How did Gove respond to questions about his betrayal

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of David Cameron over Europe?

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He said he didn't stab him in the back.

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I think he stabbed him in the ankle or something.

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I can't remember, what did he say?

0:15:580:16:00

Well, what I've got him as having said is...

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Which is very good of him, as the stabber.

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Stab. I forgive you.

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LAUGHTER

0:16:120:16:14

He gave an interview, probably two weeks ago, in which he said,

0:16:140:16:18

"My judgment on all sorts of issues in the entire period

0:16:180:16:21

"was completely faulty."

0:16:210:16:22

And now he's been put onto a committee to look into Brexit.

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Why should we listen to anything Gove says?

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Sorry, rhetorical questions are very boring.

0:16:280:16:31

Because there's something magnetic about his loathsomeness.

0:16:310:16:35

LAUGHTER

0:16:350:16:39

And he's the sort of person, you know, in a Bond film,

0:16:390:16:41

he'd be really watchable,

0:16:410:16:43

and then there'd be a great bit where he is dissolved in acid.

0:16:430:16:45

Who other than Gove has been singing Theresa's praises this week?

0:16:470:16:51

Oh, gosh...

0:16:510:16:53

It was the respected author and journalist Hunter Davies.

0:16:530:16:57

-Did you hear about this?

-No.

0:16:570:16:59

This is quite a quote. He said...

0:16:590:17:00

What, these guys?

0:17:210:17:23

LAUGHTER

0:17:230:17:25

LAUGHTER

0:17:250:17:27

LAUGHTER

0:17:270:17:29

I suppose number three looks a bit, you know, interested.

0:17:290:17:34

This is the news that Brexit will make us less attractive

0:17:340:17:37

to foreign investors, less wealthy and less safe.

0:17:370:17:40

That's according to Theresa May, five months ago,

0:17:400:17:43

speaking at Goldman Sachs.

0:17:430:17:45

According to a poll quote in the Sun,

0:17:450:17:47

47% would still back Leave in another referendum...

0:17:470:17:50

Ah, yes, fluctuations.

0:17:530:17:54

One day it's down, the next day it plummets,

0:17:540:17:57

the next day it's merely down again!

0:17:570:17:59

According to the Daily Telegraph,

0:17:590:18:02

Microsoft is set to increase its prices by 22%...

0:18:020:18:05

Makes a nice change for Microsoft to look at something and say,

0:18:080:18:11

"Oh, no, it's crashed!"

0:18:110:18:14

And so on to Round Two.

0:18:150:18:17

And as Halloween season enters its fourth week

0:18:170:18:20

and we cover ourselves in spray-on cobwebs

0:18:200:18:22

out of respect for our American trading partners,

0:18:220:18:25

let's enter into the spirit of it with the Haunted House of News.

0:18:250:18:30

Fingers on buzzers.

0:18:300:18:31

See if you can guess what's scaring you.

0:18:310:18:33

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:330:18:35

MAN SCREAMS

0:18:350:18:37

BUZZER

0:18:380:18:39

Oh, no, don't buzz, it means we'll have to talk about it.

0:18:390:18:42

That's just a... It's a wonderful fantasy creation.

0:18:450:18:48

The legs of a woman, and the head of an Oxford English Dictionary.

0:18:480:18:51

What more could anyone want?

0:18:510:18:53

So this is a book that's literally been walking out of the shops,

0:18:560:18:58

is that what we're seeing here?

0:18:580:19:00

-Oh, is it Essex women?

-That's it, yes.

0:19:000:19:03

The term "Essex girl" is in the dictionary.

0:19:030:19:06

And this is the news that two girls from Essex

0:19:060:19:09

are trying to get that term removed.

0:19:090:19:11

Collins defines it as...

0:19:110:19:13

-Doesn't seem too bad.

-That's all right.

0:19:150:19:18

Why would anyone have a problem with that(?)

0:19:240:19:27

And according to Natasha Sawkins and Juliet Thomas,

0:19:270:19:31

who are behind the campaign...

0:19:310:19:32

Not heard that one before.

0:19:340:19:36

I just love this idea of them complaining.

0:19:390:19:41

Does Neanderthal man have a say?

0:19:410:19:43

Does he say, "I think I've been ridiculously stereotyped"?

0:19:430:19:46

Yes, but he's not really around any more,

0:19:460:19:48

whereas women from Essex might consider that if they're born

0:19:480:19:51

in the county of Essex, they shouldn't all be stigmatised

0:19:510:19:53

-with the same stereotype.

-You're probably right.

0:19:530:19:55

You can't libel the dead, let alone the extinct.

0:19:550:19:58

Don't tell me about libel, Mitchell.

0:19:580:20:01

I'm giving you a tip!

0:20:020:20:04

Say what you like about Neanderthals.

0:20:040:20:06

Why can't they just take it out?

0:20:060:20:08

-Because who's campaigning to keep that in?

-It would be...

0:20:080:20:10

It's not how things work, is it?

0:20:100:20:12

It's in the dictionary because it's a term people use.

0:20:120:20:14

And if people started taking... People might think,

0:20:140:20:16

"Can we take the word 'poo' out of the dictionary?

0:20:160:20:19

"It's not very nice, poo, is it?

0:20:190:20:20

"You know, I don't really want to be reminded of poo."

0:20:200:20:22

Then you just have a dictionary that's got nice words,

0:20:220:20:25

like "peacefully" and "flower".

0:20:250:20:27

Who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?

0:20:270:20:31

The Archbishop of Canterbury.

0:20:310:20:33

No, it was in fact a star of Ian's favourite show,

0:20:330:20:36

Gemma Collins. Here she is.

0:20:360:20:38

It is absolutely outrageous

0:20:380:20:40

in today's society

0:20:400:20:42

that the dictionary, which...

0:20:420:20:44

I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.

0:20:440:20:46

We should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway

0:20:460:20:49

because, like, it is such an amazing, like,

0:20:490:20:52

historical British thing, isn't it?

0:20:520:20:54

Every story ever written's in the dictionary.

0:20:580:21:01

You've just got to put the words in the right order. All there!

0:21:010:21:05

This is the story about two ladies from Essex

0:21:050:21:08

who want the term "Essex girls"

0:21:080:21:10

scrubbed from the Oxford English Dictionary.

0:21:100:21:12

The main thing about this story is it gives the Sun the chance

0:21:120:21:14

to recycle some old Essex girl jokes, including...

0:21:140:21:17

That's interesting. The label in my pants says

0:21:210:21:24

"D Mitchell, class 5C".

0:21:240:21:26

I've never lost a single pair.

0:21:260:21:29

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:21:290:21:31

What horror is this?

0:21:310:21:33

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:330:21:36

MAN SCREAMS

0:21:360:21:37

BUZZER

0:21:370:21:39

-CHRIS:

-This is the Ed Stone,

0:21:390:21:41

the heaviest suicide note in history.

0:21:410:21:44

Which, bizarrely, considering how much money we spent on it,

0:21:440:21:48

looks as if it's made of foam

0:21:480:21:50

and somebody forgot to put it on the return of election expenses

0:21:500:21:53

and so the Labour Party has been fined.

0:21:530:21:56

Yes, you were quite right. The Ed Stone was quite expensive.

0:21:560:21:59

Do you know what it cost, exactly?

0:21:590:22:00

The general election.

0:22:000:22:01

APPLAUSE

0:22:050:22:08

Yes, it was...

0:22:080:22:09

Labour say they did originally get a receipt from the stonemason's,

0:22:110:22:14

but it was too heavy to get in the car.

0:22:140:22:16

The Spectator quoted a source as saying

0:22:160:22:19

that when the image of the stone first appeared on TV...

0:22:190:22:22

I wonder if he had any inkling that

0:22:310:22:33

that wasn't the low point for Labour.

0:22:330:22:36

Do you think Ed took too much flak for losing that election, Chris?

0:22:360:22:39

He's a good man.

0:22:390:22:40

-You can tell you were a vicar.

-Bless you, my child.

-Thank you.

0:22:400:22:44

I'm not so sure you could quite so easily tell you were a vicar

0:22:440:22:46

-when you said about Ed...

-Oh, yes?

0:22:460:22:48

He's a very modern vicar.

0:22:550:22:58

That was the night of Brexit.

0:22:580:23:00

I was very, very upset about Brexit.

0:23:000:23:02

Chris, how much do you blame Corbyn for the referendum result?

0:23:020:23:06

You even thought Corbyn voted Leave, didn't you?

0:23:060:23:09

I think a lot of the arguments that Jeremy put

0:23:090:23:11

helped the Leave campaign.

0:23:110:23:13

Do you still think...

0:23:130:23:15

-As you said.

-Well, everything's to...

0:23:180:23:20

The Labour Party's got to be mended, that's the truth,

0:23:230:23:25

and I don't like Mrs May and the way she's leading the country,

0:23:250:23:28

so I hope that Labour can pull itself together.

0:23:280:23:31

That's definitely not a straight answer.

0:23:310:23:35

That was about as skew-whiff an answer as I could possibly give.

0:23:350:23:38

AUDIENCE MEMBER GUFFAWS

0:23:380:23:41

Oh, Jeremy's in!

0:23:430:23:45

I think people know you think Jeremy Corbyn's an idiot.

0:23:450:23:49

You've said it so many times. Why stop now?

0:23:490:23:53

There's plenty of people who move in and out of the Shadow Cabinet,

0:23:530:23:56

and they've said even worse things than Chris has,

0:23:560:23:58

-so don't try and restrict his future career...

-No, no.

0:23:580:24:01

..just by trying to get him to confirm what he's already said

0:24:010:24:05

many times is pretty underhand.

0:24:050:24:08

Leave him alone.

0:24:080:24:10

I'm a bit worried that Ian Hislop is supporting me.

0:24:100:24:13

-I'm not!

-No...

0:24:130:24:16

Yes, this is the news that Labour has been fined for failing

0:24:160:24:20

to declare a string of election expenses,

0:24:200:24:22

including the cost of Ed Miliband's so-called Ed Stone.

0:24:220:24:25

Here is the notorious object of ridicule...

0:24:250:24:28

standing next to his disastrous stone.

0:24:280:24:30

Since Ed Miliband's defeat, the Ed Stone has reportedly

0:24:330:24:36

been destroyed and broken into pieces.

0:24:360:24:38

As has the Labour Party.

0:24:380:24:41

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next nightmare.

0:24:410:24:44

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:440:24:46

MAN SCREAMS

0:24:460:24:48

BUZZER

0:24:480:24:50

They've discovered a snail who goes the wrong way round.

0:24:500:24:53

Cos all snails' whorls go clockwise.

0:24:530:24:56

This one goes anticlockwise.

0:24:560:24:58

Why is it wearing a hat?

0:24:580:25:01

He's become a bit of a celebrity and doesn't want to be photographed!

0:25:010:25:05

Yes, he's absolutely right.

0:25:050:25:06

This is the news that a one-in-a-million snail

0:25:060:25:09

has been found with a rare mutation that makes him a leftie,

0:25:090:25:12

as his shell spirals the wrong way.

0:25:120:25:14

What do you think the leftie's been called?

0:25:140:25:16

Jeremy.

0:25:160:25:17

-Correct. ROSE:

-Huh!

0:25:170:25:20

And why is it causing trouble?

0:25:220:25:23

Because it's in the dictionary, and a number of snails have objected.

0:25:230:25:27

I don't know how much you know about the mating practices of snails.

0:25:270:25:30

So I'll flatter you and assume it's not very much.

0:25:300:25:33

As I understand it, snails have their genitalia on the right,

0:25:330:25:37

and sort of slide against each other.

0:25:370:25:40

As Jeremy is topsy-turvy,

0:25:400:25:42

he can only indulge in what scientists term the dry hump,

0:25:420:25:46

so needs another one-in-a-million lefty to get intimate.

0:25:460:25:50

The Telegraph had a helpful diagram.

0:25:500:25:52

But why might it not be the end of the world

0:25:540:25:56

if Jeremy doesn't find love, according to Dr Angus Davison?

0:25:560:26:00

Because he's a snail, and we don't care.

0:26:000:26:03

There's lots of other snails around?

0:26:030:26:05

Well, yeah...

0:26:050:26:06

There's not a big snail problem, is there?

0:26:060:26:08

They're not an endangered species.

0:26:080:26:10

The problem is quite easily solved, because, as Jeremy

0:26:100:26:12

is a hermaphrodite, he can reproduce without a mate, but...

0:26:120:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:19

In other news, what's this woman doing?

0:26:190:26:22

She's trying to surprise a Yorkshire terrier

0:26:220:26:24

because the kitchen's been redecorated and he doesn't know.

0:26:240:26:27

Mary Burgess is the woman.

0:26:290:26:31

She's a dog hypnotist.

0:26:310:26:32

What will she do for 60 quid?

0:26:320:26:35

LAUGHTER

0:26:350:26:36

Take your poodle back to a previous life?

0:26:360:26:39

Yeah, basically. An hour's hypnosis with naughty dogs.

0:26:390:26:42

She puts them in a trance and persuades them to behave better.

0:26:420:26:46

Her techniques include...

0:26:460:26:48

I think that would work on me, to be fair!

0:26:540:26:57

And, finally, what do you think dogs dream about?

0:26:570:26:59

Running through the fields,

0:26:590:27:01

their hair brushing against the tops of dandelions,

0:27:010:27:04

as they sniff the sea air...

0:27:040:27:06

-It's a very small dog.

-Well, yeah.

0:27:060:27:09

Could be running in a trench.

0:27:090:27:11

They probably dream about you, if you're their owner, that is.

0:27:110:27:16

The reason we know this is thanks to Dr Deirdre Barrett

0:27:160:27:19

from Harvard Medical School. She said they're dreaming about...

0:27:190:27:23

Of course, sometimes they must be dreaming about

0:27:280:27:30

chasing things likes cats and rabbits,

0:27:300:27:32

as we can see from this classic clip.

0:27:320:27:34

I imagine that dog has an active inner life.

0:27:510:27:55

Is that your dog dreaming about you?

0:27:550:27:58

Yes, cos I chase my dog(!)

0:27:580:28:00

-Do you?

-No. I haven't got a dog.

0:28:000:28:03

Not now you've chased him away.

0:28:030:28:07

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:28:070:28:09

Ian and Rose, your four are...

0:28:090:28:11

Larry the Downing Street Cat. Napoleon Bonaparte.

0:28:110:28:15

Michael Heseltine.

0:28:150:28:16

And Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi.

0:28:160:28:20

Larry had a fight in Downing Street. With another cat.

0:28:200:28:23

-With...

-You're getting warm.

-With a cat called Palmerston.

-That's right.

0:28:230:28:27

Napoleon and Lord Palmerston? Was there a problem there?

0:28:270:28:30

-No.

-No.

-You're right with fight.

0:28:300:28:33

-Had a fight.

-But you want to move away from Lord Palmerston.

0:28:330:28:37

No, I don't, I love Lord... I'm sorry.

0:28:370:28:39

Did the other guys have a fight?

0:28:390:28:40

There was a story this week... Michael Heseltine...

0:28:400:28:43

And he was declaring he'd shot a load of bats,

0:28:430:28:46

or birds, or badgers, or starlings...

0:28:460:28:48

-Yeah, this is all in the right area.

-..rhinos.

-Yeah.

0:28:480:28:51

Combat with birds! The Italian Prime Minister's the odd one out

0:28:510:28:56

because he said to the pigeons of Rome, "You've got an amnesty,

0:28:560:28:58

"nobody'll kill you, we'll look after you."

0:28:580:29:01

-You've got the right answer but for the wrong reason.

-Ah.

0:29:010:29:04

-It's they've all fought with animals...

-Yes.

0:29:040:29:06

..apart from the Italian Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi

0:29:060:29:09

who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.

0:29:090:29:13

The Chinese president had taken a group of leaders,

0:29:150:29:18

including Renzi and Theresa May,

0:29:180:29:20

on a night-time cruise on a nearby lake,

0:29:200:29:23

as a cultural outing,

0:29:230:29:24

when it was reported that...

0:29:240:29:26

According to the Sun, Renzi...

0:29:280:29:30

A spokesman for Renzi's office, on the other hand,

0:29:370:29:40

denied that the PM had kicked the fish, explaining...

0:29:400:29:43

He avoided it with his shoe.

0:29:470:29:48

Larry the Downing Street cat,

0:29:500:29:52

he's recently had a fight with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat.

0:29:520:29:55

-Whoa!

-Yeah!

0:29:550:29:57

How has Theresa May settled in with Larry?

0:29:570:30:00

She's wearing him as a coat.

0:30:000:30:02

More like shoes! Kitten heels!

0:30:040:30:06

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:30:060:30:09

-She's not that keen on Larry.

-No.

0:30:090:30:11

She said in an interview with The Times...

0:30:110:30:13

And they had to dream about her.

0:30:150:30:18

Yeah.

0:30:180:30:20

Maybe that's her dog trying to run through a wall.

0:30:200:30:24

Napoleon. Do you know Napoleon's animal scuffle story?

0:30:260:30:29

It's after he signed the Treaty of Tilsit in 1807,

0:30:290:30:32

he was encouraged to do some celebratory rabbit shooting

0:30:320:30:35

in a park with friends and colleagues.

0:30:350:30:37

-How many rabbits do you think were laid on for him to shoot?

-75.

0:30:370:30:42

-Higher.

-175.

0:30:420:30:43

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-75.

0:30:430:30:44

APPLAUSE

0:30:470:30:49

It was 1,000.

0:30:530:30:54

The Napoleonic general, Paul Thiebault,

0:30:540:30:58

who was there, said the rabbits...

0:30:580:31:01

And...

0:31:010:31:02

They also...

0:31:050:31:06

..and forced Napoleon...

0:31:080:31:09

More than the Austrian Army could do.

0:31:120:31:15

Michael Heseltine has admitted to killing 400 grey squirrels

0:31:150:31:20

in his garden in just nine months. He said...

0:31:200:31:23

He wants to watch that that doesn't get taken out of context.

0:31:320:31:35

Could end up with a job in the Cabinet.

0:31:370:31:40

Yes, they have all fought with animals

0:31:400:31:43

apart from Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi

0:31:430:31:46

who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.

0:31:460:31:49

Theresa May was shocked to be confronted by the slippery,

0:31:490:31:52

thick-lipped, clammy, glass-eyed creature.

0:31:520:31:55

She didn't think Michael Gove had been invited.

0:31:550:31:57

The Heseltines occasionally open their gardens to the public,

0:31:570:32:01

where it's been revealed...

0:32:010:32:02

It's not entirely clear why the squirrels were killed,

0:32:040:32:07

but the gift shop has got 200 pairs of novelty slippers.

0:32:070:32:11

According to one report of Napoleon's rabbit scuffle...

0:32:110:32:15

To which the surgeon general at Paris A&E replied,

0:32:180:32:22

"If you say so Monsieur Bonaparte, I'm not here to judge."

0:32:220:32:26

Paul and Chris, here are yours.

0:32:260:32:27

-Robert Mugabe. Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.

-Yes.

0:32:270:32:32

Brendan Cole and David Gest.

0:32:320:32:36

First of all, the one I would know most about would be Brendan Cole,

0:32:360:32:39

he's in Strictly Come Dancing.

0:32:390:32:41

He wasn't in the last week, because he was ill with something.

0:32:410:32:43

They reported that he was dead, didn't they?

0:32:430:32:46

On Twitter and Facebook and stuff,

0:32:460:32:48

which was obviously wrong, inaccurate.

0:32:480:32:49

Ah. Maybe it's about that, then.

0:32:490:32:51

And who is the woman at the top, she's Portuguese nobility?

0:32:510:32:54

No, that's Mugabe.

0:32:540:32:55

LAUGHTER

0:32:550:32:57

Yes, Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.

0:32:570:33:00

Was she reported dead and she wasn't?

0:33:000:33:04

And Mugabe, there have been rumours of his death.

0:33:040:33:06

-You're in the right area.

-But David Gest is actually... Or is he?

0:33:060:33:09

David Gest is now dead.

0:33:090:33:11

I'll give you a clue, so is Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.

0:33:110:33:15

LAUGHTER

0:33:150:33:16

Queen Ines de Castro is the odd one out,

0:33:160:33:19

because they were all rumoured to be dead apart from her,

0:33:190:33:23

but she attended her own Coronation, even though she really was dead.

0:33:230:33:27

SILENCE

0:33:270:33:29

Whoa...

0:33:290:33:30

This is like it's news just in, and it happened in the 14th century!

0:33:300:33:33

We didn't even know she was ill!

0:33:330:33:36

-Yeah, how did...

-It's been a shock to some of us.

0:33:360:33:39

It's a very sad story.

0:33:390:33:41

Ines arrived in Portugal in 1340 to be lady-in-waiting to her cousin,

0:33:410:33:45

who was due to marry the heir to the throne Dom Pedro.

0:33:450:33:48

But when Dom Pedro set eyes on Ines,

0:33:480:33:50

he fell desperately in love with her instead.

0:33:500:33:53

Dom Pedro eventually married Ines,

0:33:530:33:55

against his father King Alfonso's wishes.

0:33:550:33:57

So the King had assassins brutally

0:33:570:34:00

murder Ines in front of their children.

0:34:000:34:03

I think that was the plot in last week's Hollyoaks.

0:34:030:34:06

Pedro eventually became king,

0:34:060:34:09

so what did he do with his dead wife's body?

0:34:090:34:12

He made her attend the coronation.

0:34:120:34:14

Yeah. Dead. He dug her up,

0:34:140:34:16

dressed her in royal robes and propped her up in the throne room.

0:34:160:34:20

The king ordered that nobility of the kingdom to pledge

0:34:200:34:22

their obedience and loyalty to the Queen corpse

0:34:220:34:25

and demanded that they kiss her dead hand.

0:34:250:34:27

AUDIENCE: Oh...

0:34:270:34:29

That's a re-enactment. LAUGHTER

0:34:290:34:32

But the other three were all rumoured dead and weren't dead.

0:34:320:34:37

Rumours started circulating that

0:34:370:34:38

Robert Mugabe had died when a plane he was on was diverted to Dubai

0:34:380:34:41

when he has previously received medical attention. He explained...

0:34:410:34:44

Yes, once the stake has been removed from your heart.

0:34:500:34:54

What has Mugabe recently been criticised for?

0:34:540:34:56

Everything.

0:34:560:34:58

Specific, recent criticism of many is as Zimbabwe suffers

0:34:580:35:02

its worst economic crisis ever

0:35:020:35:04

Mugabe unveiled a 12-foot high statue of himself.

0:35:040:35:08

Let's have a look.

0:35:080:35:10

He doesn't seem chuffed about it.

0:35:100:35:12

Well, look at it.

0:35:120:35:13

LAUGHTER

0:35:130:35:14

According to the Telegraph, he said,

0:35:140:35:16

on seeing the work by local sculptor Dominic Benhura...

0:35:160:35:20

LAUGHTER

0:35:270:35:29

Start the car, Dominic.

0:35:290:35:31

LAUGHTER

0:35:310:35:33

-And David Gest.

-Yes.

0:35:330:35:35

American reality TV star Tiffany Pollard got the wrong end of

0:35:350:35:39

the stick when fellow contestant on Big Brother Angie Bowie told her...

0:35:390:35:44

..when she was actually talking

0:35:460:35:47

about her ex husband, the late David Bowie.

0:35:470:35:49

David Gest was just asleep at that point.

0:35:490:35:52

And Brendan Cole, do you know about the rumours of his death?

0:35:520:35:58

-Yes, so he was on Strictly, he's

-on

-Strictly and he was ill,

0:35:580:36:02

so he wasn't able to partner Anastasia at the weekend.

0:36:020:36:05

Yes, Brendan, he pulled out of Saturday' performance, due to a

0:36:050:36:08

lung infection, which led to the daily Star cautiously concluding...

0:36:080:36:12

How did Brendan react?

0:36:160:36:18

-"Am I?!"

-And tweeted...

0:36:180:36:20

LAUGHTER

0:36:240:36:25

Incidentally, the BBC would like to make it absolutely clear -

0:36:250:36:29

Brendan Cole is not dead.

0:36:290:36:30

Only behind the eyes.

0:36:300:36:33

Ed Balls managed to survive another week. But what did he fail to do?

0:36:330:36:37

You must have seen this.

0:36:370:36:39

Dance.

0:36:390:36:40

There was a lift that went horribly wrong.

0:36:400:36:43

It was going wrong in instalments, really.

0:36:430:36:46

-Have we got it?

-We have. Let's have a look.

0:36:460:36:48

SONG: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo

0:36:480:36:51

AUDIENCE CHEERS, THEN GASPS

0:36:510:36:54

Yes.

0:37:000:37:03

But he must win! He must win!

0:37:030:37:06

Labour's got to win something this year!

0:37:060:37:09

You could spend 1,000 years trying to choreograph

0:37:090:37:13

something that amusing.

0:37:130:37:15

The moment with the real jeopardy,

0:37:150:37:17

and the moment when he has to grab her boob.

0:37:170:37:19

It's either that or she smashes her skull on the floor.

0:37:190:37:23

Yes, they've all been rumoured to be dead

0:37:230:37:26

apart from Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal,

0:37:260:37:28

who, in 1357, attended her own coronation,

0:37:280:37:31

even though she really was dead.

0:37:310:37:33

Her body was dug up, sewn back together, covered in powder

0:37:330:37:36

and face paint, clad in finery and presented to the nation

0:37:360:37:40

in a grotesque spectacle.

0:37:400:37:41

Just like Sharon Osbourne on the X Factor.

0:37:410:37:44

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

0:37:440:37:47

as its guest publication...

0:37:470:37:49

-Yes!

-Uh-huh.

-..and publications of the slide-rule circle.

0:37:500:37:53

I get this. I get this one.

0:37:530:37:55

A good magazine but all of its readers are calculating bastards.

0:37:550:37:59

We start with...

0:37:590:38:01

-Mates with Jeremy the snail?

-Yeah.

-Oh...

0:38:050:38:08

"I love the way your circles go the other way."

0:38:080:38:13

It's in fact...

0:38:130:38:14

Here he is in action.

0:38:190:38:20

LAUGHTER

0:38:220:38:25

I always wondered why people are filming these incidents

0:38:280:38:31

before they happen. Maybe it's part of an experiment or something.

0:38:310:38:34

Is it an experiment to see whether frogs can...

0:38:340:38:36

-Do you think they got him drunk?

-Pick the pissed frog?

0:38:360:38:39

See that's what they do in laboratories, isn't it?

0:38:390:38:41

Let's get all the frogs drunk. Next...

0:38:410:38:44

Um... I've no idea what a slide rule is, so...

0:38:480:38:51

It's the thing you used to calculate on before calculators.

0:38:510:38:54

OK, and calculators were before phones?

0:38:540:38:57

Turn to the centrefold.

0:38:570:38:59

-Yeah.

-Turn to the centrefold immediately for further guidance.

0:38:590:39:03

It is...

0:39:030:39:04

People who use slide-rules always felt superior to those

0:39:100:39:13

who used calculators.

0:39:130:39:15

Fine, but if you turn a slide-rule upside down,

0:39:150:39:17

you can't get it to make the word "boobies".

0:39:170:39:19

Next...

0:39:210:39:22

-High self esteem.

-SNIGGERING

0:39:250:39:27

Is it bringing your top lip over your head

0:39:270:39:30

and using it as a bathing cap?

0:39:300:39:31

It's...

0:39:310:39:33

Here's what it looks like.

0:39:350:39:37

-Oh, that's rather good.

-So...

0:39:370:39:39

-Uh, well...

-I don't know.

-In what sense is that a living plant?

0:39:390:39:42

It's a succulent.

0:39:420:39:44

It looks like a fungal infection that's really gone to work.

0:39:440:39:47

Anyway, now you can say it with flowers.

0:39:470:39:50

And finally...

0:39:530:39:54

Dave.

0:39:570:39:58

I beg your pardon?

0:40:000:40:03

BBC Parliament! See how you like it, yeah?

0:40:040:40:08

LAUGHTER

0:40:090:40:11

Nothing wrong with Dave.

0:40:110:40:13

A new streaming video service, Napflix, aims to lull viewers

0:40:190:40:24

to sleep by streaming the least thrilling footage they can find.

0:40:240:40:27

Programmes will include the 1964 documentary...

0:40:270:40:30

-Now available as a box set.

-Oh-ho-ho! Boom, boom!

0:40:330:40:37

The final scores are Ian and Rose have 4 points,

0:40:370:40:40

-but Paul and Chris are the winners with

-9. Wahey!

-Oh, well done.

0:40:400:40:44

Thank you, thank you.

0:40:440:40:45

I'm so sorry, Ian.

0:40:450:40:47

And I leave you with news that, in Liverpool,

0:40:490:40:52

on John McDonnell's orders,

0:40:520:40:54

a security dog sinks its teeth into a rival's backside.

0:40:540:40:57

After a fleet of Russian warships is spotted in the English Channel,

0:41:000:41:04

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson issues an immediate response.

0:41:040:41:08

And as auditions begin for a remake of the film

0:41:100:41:14

Tarka The Otter, one young hopeful waits to see if he's got the part.

0:41:140:41:18

Goodnight.

0:41:210:41:23

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