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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week - | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
in the middle of the Twitter storm over Calais, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty shows her support for Gary Lineker. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:50 | 0:00:54 | |
After a crate of Prozac washes up on a beach, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
conservationists are concerned over its possible effect | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
on local wildlife. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
And in Moscow, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
a KGB target survives an unusually subtle assassination attempt. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:13 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter and stand-up | 0:01:19 | 0:01:23 | |
from New Zealand who described the audience | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
of her first-ever Edinburgh Festival show | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
as "full of drunk, angry Scottish men". | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Well, if you insist on doing a morning show... | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Please welcome Rose Matafeo. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:36 | 0:01:40 | |
And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who recently resigned | 0:01:42 | 0:01:46 | |
from the Shadow Cabinet and says that | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
"In election terms, Labour is not match-ready." | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Unlike the bonfire in his garden | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
with an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on top. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Please welcome Chris Bryant MP. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Paul and Chris, take a look at this. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
Well, that looks like Heathrow. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
This is a bulldozer that Boris Johnson is obviously going to | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
-lie in front of, as he promised. -Oh, no, he's driving it. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
He's looking for Michael Gove now, I think. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
That is Zac Goldsmith with a crab. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
And...those are some weird people outside the Palace of Varieties. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:29 | |
-So, yes... -Good news. Good news for people who live near Gatwick. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:34 | |
I looked at all the arguments and they are quite complex for | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
should it be Heathrow or somewhere else? And Boris has promised | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
to lie in front of a bulldozer if it's Heathrow. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
So it's gotta be Heathrow, really. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
So this is the final, final decision, is it? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
There's going to be legal objections, though. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
People are going to fight this. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
It's not a forgone conclusion at the moment. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Yes, there's going to be legal objections and also, | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
MPs get to vote on it next year. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Oh, really, we get to vote on something(?) | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
It'll probably just be, MPs get to chat about it, | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
like Philip Green's knighthood. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Are you trying to suggest that politicians | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
have no real value in society? | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Bit early for that. We'll do that later. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
There are other objections - environmental objections, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
and it might not happen. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
It's got to meet all these requirements. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
But aren't they European requirements? | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
-So that's not really going to be... -No, that's not a problem. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
The aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
-So it might still be a European thing. -Oh, yes, absolutely. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
It might just be internal flights after Brexit. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
I don't think anyone's going anywhere | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
and they're certainly not coming here! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Depends how big it is. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
Maybe you get a flight from Terminal 6 to Terminal 1. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
If the runway's long enough, they don't even have to take off. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
-Well, it's going to be a ramp, isn't it? -A ramp?! | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
It's an amazing design, isn't it? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
The idea we're going to have a runway and suddenly it's announced | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
they're not going to put the M25 in a tunnel, | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-they're going to put the runway on a bridge over the M25. -Yeah. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:10 | |
Why wasn't it more part of the discussion that there wasn't room | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
for the runway inside the M25? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
You'd think that would be a real clincher for Gatwick. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
-Oh, God, is this the Rhondda? -Yes, it is. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
I'm sorry! Just for the rest of the country, | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
How much do you think we'll make from it, financially? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
-Bazillions. -Sorry, how many? -Bazillions. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
I thought you said Brazilians! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
It was just a random thought, you were sitting there... | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
Whether they want it or not. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
It's the future for our economy. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
We'll be the waxing hub of the world. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 | |
We could become the rip-off merchants of the world. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANING | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
You'll all be using it tomorrow. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
You're getting it now. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Who's the guy with the crab? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
-Zac Goldsmith. -I don't know why I did that. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
-Zac Goldsmith? -Yeah. -OK. And he has...resigned? No? Yeah? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
He has resigned. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
Cos his constituency elected him on the grounds | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
there wouldn't be a third runway at Heathrow. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
-Right. -So he's resigned. -OK. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:31 | |
-He tried to be Mayor of London. -Yes, OK. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
So now he has a lot more time to catch up on all | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
the Bollywood films he hasn't seen, right? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
-Ah, you got that? -I did get that, that is the worst. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
I've seen 100% more Bollywood films than him. Which is one. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:46 | |
He's running as an independent, right? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
But because politics in this country is so mad, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
the Conservative Party's not going to stand against him. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
The slightly weird thing is that Ukip aren't standing against him | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
either, because Nigel Farage is now backing him. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
I don't know how Nigel Farage has got time out from supporting | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Donald Trump in the United States of America... | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
He can really pick 'em, can't he? Trump. Zac. God! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
Do you reckon Zac's just like, "Nige, no!" | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Yes, Boris has been vocal against it. Has he resigned, too? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:16 | |
No. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:17 | |
Has he not?! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
He's written a couple of pieces, one pro... | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Didn't David Cameron say that it was in their manifesto? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
It was kind of, "No ifs, no buts, there will not be a third runway," | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
-as well? -Yes, he did, yeah. -Yeah. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Unfortunately, the time for blaming him for everything | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
has come to an end. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
-Not really. -I think we should extend it. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Listen, I'm still blaming Mrs Thatcher for an awful lot. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
It's just kind of quicker, you just get right in there. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
People can agree on blaming someone who's no longer at all relevant. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
Or alive. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Has David Cameron died?! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
No, I didn't hear the good news! | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Oh. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:57 | |
No, I don't hope David Cameron's dead. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
I just wouldn't mind if he did. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
"We interrupt this programme..." | 0:07:04 | 0:07:08 | |
"There's been a chillaxing accident in Cornwall." | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
He relaxed so much his whole bowel fell out. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:17 | |
What have the Dutch been sending to Heathrow | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
every year for the last five years? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Dutch people. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Liquorice. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
No. It's a foodstuff, though. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:28 | |
- Oh? - Guinea pig. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
I suppose, in a way, it's a foodstuff once slaughtered. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:35 | |
Cheese. It must be cheese. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:36 | |
Cheese is a foodstuff even when not slaughtered. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
No, it's cake. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
-Cake. -Cake. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Schiphol Airport have been sending Heathrow a cake every year, | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
thanking them for the delay in expanding, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
as every delay helps promote Schiphol | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
as an alternative European hub. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
According to the Telegraph, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
the latest cake from Schiphol was a fine one... | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Oh, that's disgusting. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
They are endangered birds, OK? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
I thought it was actual people on the cake! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
This is the news that the Government has given the go-ahead | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
for a third runway at Heathrow, ending half a century of delay. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
Boris Johnson is on record as saying that if a third runway at Heathrow | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
went ahead, he would lie down in front of the bulldozers. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
I think the only word of that that any of us believe | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
is "lie". | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
The row over Heathrow may yet prove to be the Government's undoing. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
So it's come to this - a two-mile strip of concrete | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
is now providing more opposition than Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
According to the Mail, | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
one consequence of the third runway at Heathrow is that... | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
I don't mean to be overly pessimistic, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
but if it's not opening till 2025, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
it may not be her problem. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
That's an appallingly unpatriotic thought. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
I didn't think the day would come when someone on the BBC | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
would assert that the Queen is not immortal. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
Ian and Rose, take a look at this. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
It's our Prime Minister. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:09 | |
That's the French for "get lost"! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Trying to do a dad joke in Parliament, there we go. No. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
That's Juncker. Oh, in, out. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
Oh. Pick-up artist, there we go. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
Nicola does not understand roulette. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
This is about our attempts to forge a new deal in the bright dawn, | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
that is overtaking the country, even as we speak. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:30 | |
You see? I'm not a boring Remoaner. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
I'm being positive. There are things that are cheery. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:37 | 0:09:41 | |
It was slightly sad that our Prime Minister | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
went over to the EU meeting and was only allowed in | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
at one o'clock in the morning to make a five-minute speech at dinner. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
And apparently she was met in dead silence, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
and then she left again. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Do you know what Jean-Claude Juncker had to say after that? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Someone from the BBC said, you know, | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
"What do you think about Theresa May?" | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
And he went, "Pfff." | 0:10:01 | 0:10:02 | |
-We have that clip... -Oh, good. -..in fact, it's worth seeing. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Mr Juncker, Ros Atkins, BBC News. Good to see you again. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
-How did the evening go with Theresa May? -Pfff. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
It's quite a catchphrase, actually. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:16 | |
You nailed that, as well! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Yeah, no, I've been watching him for years. "Pfff!" | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
Do you think he thinks he's got one of those, you know, | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
Christmassy things that you blow and go, "Parp!" | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
in his mouth, and just forgot to put it in? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
He's been trying to come out all jolly, "Parp!" | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
and went, "Pff!" | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Oh, forgot again! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
But I'm amazed she managed to fill the five minutes. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
Because she says she doesn't want to keep up a running commentary | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
on what the policy is, or plan, or strategy... | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
There could be a reason for that. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
-Cos there ain't one. -ROSE: -Yeah. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
She keeps on saying she doesn't want to show her hand. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
But, like, in poker, you can't, like, | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
just pretend there are cards in your hand. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
I mean, you can't just be like, | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
"I've got a good one here. Watch out!" | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
-CHRIS: -And she keeps on saying, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
"We're going for the best possible deal." | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
And basically, she's not going to say what she wants because she knows | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
that whatever deal she's got at the end will have been | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
the best possible deal that she could have possibly got. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
-So she's saying, "Just see what happens..." -Yeah. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
"..because that's what I'm going to do." | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
"By the way, if you're a room full of bankers, | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
"I'm quite happy to come along and tell you exactly what I'm about." | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Well, yes. This week, she suffered an embarrassing bit of leakage, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
didn't she? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
A recording of a secret speech that Theresa gave | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
to Goldman Sachs bankers a month before the referendum | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
was leaked to the Guardian. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
In it, she warned that companies would leave the UK if the | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
country voted for Brexit, | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
and that the country would be less safe outside the EU. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
But why is it... She was against Brexit, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
so why is it a big deal that it turns out she meant that? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
Cos she was a bit half-hearted, | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
and there were other people in other parties, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
-weren't there, Chris, who were... -A BIT half-hearted? | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
-She wasn't a BIT half-hearted, she... -No, I was thinking of Jeremy. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
I'm still talking about Theresa May, I think you'll find. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Let's stick with Theresa May. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
-Was she more or less half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn? -Yes. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
These politicians! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
-OK. Was...? -I gave you a direct answer! | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
It was a yes-no question, I gave a... | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
-Yeah. OK. I'm wise to this. -All right. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
-Was she more half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn? -Yes. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:19 | |
Oh, so you like Jeremy Corbyn? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
He's leading Labour into the wilderness, you fool! | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
He came up with a joke, though, at Question Time. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Oh, yeah. It was kind of awkward, though, that joke, wasn't it? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Was very, just, like, dad joke-y. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
-What was it? -He said that, like Baldrick, | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Mrs May has got a cunning plan but it isn't a plan. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
-ROSE: -And then she came back to him and was like, | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
"Well, the guy who played him was Labour!" | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
That's exactly what she said, right? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
The thing about her is, she's very... | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
She doesn't believe in Brexit. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
People thought maybe secretly she believed in Brexit, | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
and so it's OK for her to lead a government that's doing Brexit. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Maybe she's changed her mind. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
Or maybe she doesn't care what the Government does. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
She just wants to be Prime Minister of it. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
-Ah. -So she'll do, you know... | 0:13:00 | 0:13:01 | |
Well, at least she's not like Jeremy in that sense, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
cos he certainly doesn't want to be Prime Minister. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Or maybe not. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
You know, they're the perfect opponents, aren't they? | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
The person that will be Prime Minister of ANY government... | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
-And the one who'll be Prime Minister of none. -Yeah! | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
If Labour wins, she could say, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
"Jeremy, don't worry, I'll be Prime... | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
-"I'll just do the Labour stuff!" -Yeah! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
"I didn't believe in Brexit, I did the Brexit stuff. I can do it all. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
"I'm a session musician politician." | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
So far, we've had hard Brexit, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
soft Brexit, smooth Brexit, proper Brexit. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
My personal favourite, dirty Brexit. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
How does Nicola Sturgeon like her Brexit? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
Continental. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
No, she wants a flexi-Brexit that would keep Scotland | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
in the single market, even if the rest of the UK left. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
The Sun and the Mail spotted a sure sign | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
that Sturgeon meant business at the meeting. What was that? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Shoes. It was about shoes. It's got to be shoes, hasn't it? | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
It was about shoes. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
According to the Sun, Sturgeon tried... | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
Here they are. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Whereas the Mail reported... | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
So, snakeskin or crocodile? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
This can only mean, that for once, | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
either the Sun or the Mail has got its facts wrong. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
And there are also signs she was trying to do | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
Theresa May's famous power stance. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
-Oh, no. -She didn't quite get it right. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
Come on, Theresa, show her how it's done. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:29 | 0:14:33 | |
Very nice. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:34 | |
What has Theresa promised | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
the devolved governments' leaders to help keep them sweet? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:39 | |
A say. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Oh, God, no! No, no, no. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:42 | |
You're going to have to think of the most worthless gesture imaginable. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
George Osborne? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
She's... | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
Why might they have to watch | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
what they say when speaking to him on the Brexit Hotline? | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Is it bugged? | 0:15:01 | 0:15:02 | |
Yes, apparently Davis has been warned that all of the other | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
27 EU governments are spying on him and intercepting his calls | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
in an attempt to discover his strategy for Brexit. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
It's really amazing they think he's got one. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Not much cooperation if all 27 countries are spying on him. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
Can't they just get together | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
in some sort of union and decide, "You do it"? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
How has Michael Gove been trying | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
to worm his way into her affections this week? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Well, he gave an interview on The World Today, | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
-in which she said she was marvellous. -Yes. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
He said he was in... | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
..with much of what the Prime Minister has said so far, | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
and added that she's carrying out her role... | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Well, talk about damning with faint praise! | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
How did Gove respond to questions about his betrayal | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
of David Cameron over Europe? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:53 | |
He said he didn't stab him in the back. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
I think he stabbed him in the ankle or something. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
I can't remember, what did he say? | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
Well, what I've got him as having said is... | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
Which is very good of him, as the stabber. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Stab. I forgive you. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
He gave an interview, probably two weeks ago, in which he said, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
"My judgment on all sorts of issues in the entire period | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
"was completely faulty." | 0:16:21 | 0:16:22 | |
And now he's been put onto a committee to look into Brexit. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
Why should we listen to anything Gove says? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Sorry, rhetorical questions are very boring. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Because there's something magnetic about his loathsomeness. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
And he's the sort of person, you know, in a Bond film, | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
he'd be really watchable, | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
and then there'd be a great bit where he is dissolved in acid. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Who other than Gove has been singing Theresa's praises this week? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
Oh, gosh... | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
It was the respected author and journalist Hunter Davies. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
-Did you hear about this? -No. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
This is quite a quote. He said... | 0:16:59 | 0:17:00 | |
What, these guys? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I suppose number three looks a bit, you know, interested. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
This is the news that Brexit will make us less attractive | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
to foreign investors, less wealthy and less safe. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
That's according to Theresa May, five months ago, | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
speaking at Goldman Sachs. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
According to a poll quote in the Sun, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
47% would still back Leave in another referendum... | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Ah, yes, fluctuations. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
One day it's down, the next day it plummets, | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
the next day it's merely down again! | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
According to the Daily Telegraph, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Microsoft is set to increase its prices by 22%... | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
Makes a nice change for Microsoft to look at something and say, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
"Oh, no, it's crashed!" | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
And so on to Round Two. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
And as Halloween season enters its fourth week | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
and we cover ourselves in spray-on cobwebs | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
out of respect for our American trading partners, | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
let's enter into the spirit of it with the Haunted House of News. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:30 | |
Fingers on buzzers. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
See if you can guess what's scaring you. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
MAN SCREAMS | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
BUZZER | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
Oh, no, don't buzz, it means we'll have to talk about it. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
That's just a... It's a wonderful fantasy creation. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
The legs of a woman, and the head of an Oxford English Dictionary. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
What more could anyone want? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
So this is a book that's literally been walking out of the shops, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
is that what we're seeing here? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
-Oh, is it Essex women? -That's it, yes. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
The term "Essex girl" is in the dictionary. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
And this is the news that two girls from Essex | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
are trying to get that term removed. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
Collins defines it as... | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-Doesn't seem too bad. -That's all right. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Why would anyone have a problem with that(?) | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
And according to Natasha Sawkins and Juliet Thomas, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
who are behind the campaign... | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
Not heard that one before. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
I just love this idea of them complaining. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Does Neanderthal man have a say? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Does he say, "I think I've been ridiculously stereotyped"? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Yes, but he's not really around any more, | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
whereas women from Essex might consider that if they're born | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
in the county of Essex, they shouldn't all be stigmatised | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
-with the same stereotype. -You're probably right. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
You can't libel the dead, let alone the extinct. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Don't tell me about libel, Mitchell. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
I'm giving you a tip! | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Say what you like about Neanderthals. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Why can't they just take it out? | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
-Because who's campaigning to keep that in? -It would be... | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
It's not how things work, is it? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
It's in the dictionary because it's a term people use. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
And if people started taking... People might think, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
"Can we take the word 'poo' out of the dictionary? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
"It's not very nice, poo, is it? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
"You know, I don't really want to be reminded of poo." | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Then you just have a dictionary that's got nice words, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
like "peacefully" and "flower". | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
Who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
The Archbishop of Canterbury. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
No, it was in fact a star of Ian's favourite show, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
Gemma Collins. Here she is. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
It is absolutely outrageous | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
in today's society | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
that the dictionary, which... | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
I'm a massive fan of the dictionary. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
We should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
because, like, it is such an amazing, like, | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
historical British thing, isn't it? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Every story ever written's in the dictionary. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
You've just got to put the words in the right order. All there! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:05 | |
This is the story about two ladies from Essex | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
who want the term "Essex girls" | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
scrubbed from the Oxford English Dictionary. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
The main thing about this story is it gives the Sun the chance | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
to recycle some old Essex girl jokes, including... | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
That's interesting. The label in my pants says | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
"D Mitchell, class 5C". | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
I've never lost a single pair. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
What horror is this? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
MAN SCREAMS | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
BUZZER | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
-CHRIS: -This is the Ed Stone, | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
the heaviest suicide note in history. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Which, bizarrely, considering how much money we spent on it, | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
looks as if it's made of foam | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
and somebody forgot to put it on the return of election expenses | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
and so the Labour Party has been fined. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Yes, you were quite right. The Ed Stone was quite expensive. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
Do you know what it cost, exactly? | 0:21:59 | 0:22:00 | |
The general election. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
Yes, it was... | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
Labour say they did originally get a receipt from the stonemason's, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
but it was too heavy to get in the car. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
The Spectator quoted a source as saying | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
that when the image of the stone first appeared on TV... | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
I wonder if he had any inkling that | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
that wasn't the low point for Labour. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
Do you think Ed took too much flak for losing that election, Chris? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
He's a good man. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:40 | |
-You can tell you were a vicar. -Bless you, my child. -Thank you. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
I'm not so sure you could quite so easily tell you were a vicar | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
-when you said about Ed... -Oh, yes? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
He's a very modern vicar. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
That was the night of Brexit. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
I was very, very upset about Brexit. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
Chris, how much do you blame Corbyn for the referendum result? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
You even thought Corbyn voted Leave, didn't you? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
I think a lot of the arguments that Jeremy put | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
helped the Leave campaign. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
Do you still think... | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
-As you said. -Well, everything's to... | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
The Labour Party's got to be mended, that's the truth, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
and I don't like Mrs May and the way she's leading the country, | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
so I hope that Labour can pull itself together. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
That's definitely not a straight answer. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
That was about as skew-whiff an answer as I could possibly give. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
AUDIENCE MEMBER GUFFAWS | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
Oh, Jeremy's in! | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
I think people know you think Jeremy Corbyn's an idiot. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
You've said it so many times. Why stop now? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
There's plenty of people who move in and out of the Shadow Cabinet, | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
and they've said even worse things than Chris has, | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
-so don't try and restrict his future career... -No, no. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
..just by trying to get him to confirm what he's already said | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
many times is pretty underhand. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Leave him alone. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
I'm a bit worried that Ian Hislop is supporting me. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
-I'm not! -No... | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
Yes, this is the news that Labour has been fined for failing | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
to declare a string of election expenses, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
including the cost of Ed Miliband's so-called Ed Stone. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
Here is the notorious object of ridicule... | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
standing next to his disastrous stone. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Since Ed Miliband's defeat, the Ed Stone has reportedly | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
been destroyed and broken into pieces. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
As has the Labour Party. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next nightmare. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
MAN SCREAMS | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
They've discovered a snail who goes the wrong way round. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
Cos all snails' whorls go clockwise. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
This one goes anticlockwise. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
Why is it wearing a hat? | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
He's become a bit of a celebrity and doesn't want to be photographed! | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
Yes, he's absolutely right. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:06 | |
This is the news that a one-in-a-million snail | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
has been found with a rare mutation that makes him a leftie, | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
as his shell spirals the wrong way. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
What do you think the leftie's been called? | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Jeremy. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:17 | |
-Correct. ROSE: -Huh! | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
And why is it causing trouble? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
Because it's in the dictionary, and a number of snails have objected. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
I don't know how much you know about the mating practices of snails. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
So I'll flatter you and assume it's not very much. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
As I understand it, snails have their genitalia on the right, | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
and sort of slide against each other. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
As Jeremy is topsy-turvy, | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
he can only indulge in what scientists term the dry hump, | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
so needs another one-in-a-million lefty to get intimate. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
The Telegraph had a helpful diagram. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
But why might it not be the end of the world | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
if Jeremy doesn't find love, according to Dr Angus Davison? | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
Because he's a snail, and we don't care. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
There's lots of other snails around? | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
Well, yeah... | 0:26:05 | 0:26:06 | |
There's not a big snail problem, is there? | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
They're not an endangered species. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
The problem is quite easily solved, because, as Jeremy | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
is a hermaphrodite, he can reproduce without a mate, but... | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:15 | 0:26:19 | |
In other news, what's this woman doing? | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
She's trying to surprise a Yorkshire terrier | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
because the kitchen's been redecorated and he doesn't know. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
Mary Burgess is the woman. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
She's a dog hypnotist. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
What will she do for 60 quid? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:35 | 0:26:36 | |
Take your poodle back to a previous life? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Yeah, basically. An hour's hypnosis with naughty dogs. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
She puts them in a trance and persuades them to behave better. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
Her techniques include... | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
I think that would work on me, to be fair! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
And, finally, what do you think dogs dream about? | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Running through the fields, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
their hair brushing against the tops of dandelions, | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
as they sniff the sea air... | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
-It's a very small dog. -Well, yeah. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
Could be running in a trench. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
They probably dream about you, if you're their owner, that is. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:16 | |
The reason we know this is thanks to Dr Deirdre Barrett | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
from Harvard Medical School. She said they're dreaming about... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
Of course, sometimes they must be dreaming about | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
chasing things likes cats and rabbits, | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
as we can see from this classic clip. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
I imagine that dog has an active inner life. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
Is that your dog dreaming about you? | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
Yes, cos I chase my dog(!) | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
-Do you? -No. I haven't got a dog. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Not now you've chased him away. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out round. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
Ian and Rose, your four are... | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
Larry the Downing Street Cat. Napoleon Bonaparte. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
Michael Heseltine. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:16 | |
And Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
Larry had a fight in Downing Street. With another cat. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
-With... -You're getting warm. -With a cat called Palmerston. -That's right. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
Napoleon and Lord Palmerston? Was there a problem there? | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
-No. -No. -You're right with fight. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
-Had a fight. -But you want to move away from Lord Palmerston. | 0:28:33 | 0:28:37 | |
No, I don't, I love Lord... I'm sorry. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:39 | |
Did the other guys have a fight? | 0:28:39 | 0:28:40 | |
There was a story this week... Michael Heseltine... | 0:28:40 | 0:28:43 | |
And he was declaring he'd shot a load of bats, | 0:28:43 | 0:28:46 | |
or birds, or badgers, or starlings... | 0:28:46 | 0:28:48 | |
-Yeah, this is all in the right area. -..rhinos. -Yeah. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
Combat with birds! The Italian Prime Minister's the odd one out | 0:28:51 | 0:28:56 | |
because he said to the pigeons of Rome, "You've got an amnesty, | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
"nobody'll kill you, we'll look after you." | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
-You've got the right answer but for the wrong reason. -Ah. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 | |
-It's they've all fought with animals... -Yes. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
..apart from the Italian Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:13 | |
The Chinese president had taken a group of leaders, | 0:29:15 | 0:29:18 | |
including Renzi and Theresa May, | 0:29:18 | 0:29:20 | |
on a night-time cruise on a nearby lake, | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
as a cultural outing, | 0:29:23 | 0:29:24 | |
when it was reported that... | 0:29:24 | 0:29:26 | |
According to the Sun, Renzi... | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
A spokesman for Renzi's office, on the other hand, | 0:29:37 | 0:29:40 | |
denied that the PM had kicked the fish, explaining... | 0:29:40 | 0:29:43 | |
He avoided it with his shoe. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:48 | |
Larry the Downing Street cat, | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
he's recently had a fight with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
-Whoa! -Yeah! | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
How has Theresa May settled in with Larry? | 0:29:57 | 0:30:00 | |
She's wearing him as a coat. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
More like shoes! Kitten heels! | 0:30:04 | 0:30:06 | |
AUDIENCE GROAN | 0:30:06 | 0:30:09 | |
-She's not that keen on Larry. -No. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
She said in an interview with The Times... | 0:30:11 | 0:30:13 | |
And they had to dream about her. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:18 | |
Yeah. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:20 | |
Maybe that's her dog trying to run through a wall. | 0:30:20 | 0:30:24 | |
Napoleon. Do you know Napoleon's animal scuffle story? | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
It's after he signed the Treaty of Tilsit in 1807, | 0:30:29 | 0:30:32 | |
he was encouraged to do some celebratory rabbit shooting | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
in a park with friends and colleagues. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
-How many rabbits do you think were laid on for him to shoot? -75. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:42 | |
-Higher. -175. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:43 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED: -75. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
It was 1,000. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:54 | |
The Napoleonic general, Paul Thiebault, | 0:30:54 | 0:30:58 | |
who was there, said the rabbits... | 0:30:58 | 0:31:01 | |
And... | 0:31:01 | 0:31:02 | |
They also... | 0:31:05 | 0:31:06 | |
..and forced Napoleon... | 0:31:08 | 0:31:09 | |
More than the Austrian Army could do. | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
Michael Heseltine has admitted to killing 400 grey squirrels | 0:31:15 | 0:31:20 | |
in his garden in just nine months. He said... | 0:31:20 | 0:31:23 | |
He wants to watch that that doesn't get taken out of context. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:35 | |
Could end up with a job in the Cabinet. | 0:31:37 | 0:31:40 | |
Yes, they have all fought with animals | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
apart from Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi | 0:31:43 | 0:31:46 | |
who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:49 | |
Theresa May was shocked to be confronted by the slippery, | 0:31:49 | 0:31:52 | |
thick-lipped, clammy, glass-eyed creature. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
She didn't think Michael Gove had been invited. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
The Heseltines occasionally open their gardens to the public, | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
where it's been revealed... | 0:32:01 | 0:32:02 | |
It's not entirely clear why the squirrels were killed, | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
but the gift shop has got 200 pairs of novelty slippers. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:11 | |
According to one report of Napoleon's rabbit scuffle... | 0:32:11 | 0:32:15 | |
To which the surgeon general at Paris A&E replied, | 0:32:18 | 0:32:22 | |
"If you say so Monsieur Bonaparte, I'm not here to judge." | 0:32:22 | 0:32:26 | |
Paul and Chris, here are yours. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:27 | |
-Robert Mugabe. Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal. -Yes. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:32 | |
Brendan Cole and David Gest. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:36 | |
First of all, the one I would know most about would be Brendan Cole, | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
he's in Strictly Come Dancing. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:41 | |
He wasn't in the last week, because he was ill with something. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
They reported that he was dead, didn't they? | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
On Twitter and Facebook and stuff, | 0:32:46 | 0:32:48 | |
which was obviously wrong, inaccurate. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:49 | |
Ah. Maybe it's about that, then. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:51 | |
And who is the woman at the top, she's Portuguese nobility? | 0:32:51 | 0:32:54 | |
No, that's Mugabe. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:55 | 0:32:57 | |
Yes, Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:00 | |
Was she reported dead and she wasn't? | 0:33:00 | 0:33:04 | |
And Mugabe, there have been rumours of his death. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
-You're in the right area. -But David Gest is actually... Or is he? | 0:33:06 | 0:33:09 | |
David Gest is now dead. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:11 | |
I'll give you a clue, so is Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:15 | 0:33:16 | |
Queen Ines de Castro is the odd one out, | 0:33:16 | 0:33:19 | |
because they were all rumoured to be dead apart from her, | 0:33:19 | 0:33:23 | |
but she attended her own Coronation, even though she really was dead. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:27 | |
SILENCE | 0:33:27 | 0:33:29 | |
Whoa... | 0:33:29 | 0:33:30 | |
This is like it's news just in, and it happened in the 14th century! | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
We didn't even know she was ill! | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
-Yeah, how did... -It's been a shock to some of us. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
It's a very sad story. | 0:33:39 | 0:33:41 | |
Ines arrived in Portugal in 1340 to be lady-in-waiting to her cousin, | 0:33:41 | 0:33:45 | |
who was due to marry the heir to the throne Dom Pedro. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:48 | |
But when Dom Pedro set eyes on Ines, | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
he fell desperately in love with her instead. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:53 | |
Dom Pedro eventually married Ines, | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
against his father King Alfonso's wishes. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:57 | |
So the King had assassins brutally | 0:33:57 | 0:34:00 | |
murder Ines in front of their children. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:03 | |
I think that was the plot in last week's Hollyoaks. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
Pedro eventually became king, | 0:34:06 | 0:34:09 | |
so what did he do with his dead wife's body? | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
He made her attend the coronation. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
Yeah. Dead. He dug her up, | 0:34:14 | 0:34:16 | |
dressed her in royal robes and propped her up in the throne room. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:20 | |
The king ordered that nobility of the kingdom to pledge | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
their obedience and loyalty to the Queen corpse | 0:34:22 | 0:34:25 | |
and demanded that they kiss her dead hand. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
AUDIENCE: Oh... | 0:34:27 | 0:34:29 | |
That's a re-enactment. LAUGHTER | 0:34:29 | 0:34:32 | |
But the other three were all rumoured dead and weren't dead. | 0:34:32 | 0:34:37 | |
Rumours started circulating that | 0:34:37 | 0:34:38 | |
Robert Mugabe had died when a plane he was on was diverted to Dubai | 0:34:38 | 0:34:41 | |
when he has previously received medical attention. He explained... | 0:34:41 | 0:34:44 | |
Yes, once the stake has been removed from your heart. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:54 | |
What has Mugabe recently been criticised for? | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
Everything. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:58 | |
Specific, recent criticism of many is as Zimbabwe suffers | 0:34:58 | 0:35:02 | |
its worst economic crisis ever | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
Mugabe unveiled a 12-foot high statue of himself. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:08 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:10 | |
He doesn't seem chuffed about it. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:12 | |
Well, look at it. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:13 | 0:35:14 | |
According to the Telegraph, he said, | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
on seeing the work by local sculptor Dominic Benhura... | 0:35:16 | 0:35:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:27 | 0:35:29 | |
Start the car, Dominic. | 0:35:29 | 0:35:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:31 | 0:35:33 | |
-And David Gest. -Yes. | 0:35:33 | 0:35:35 | |
American reality TV star Tiffany Pollard got the wrong end of | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
the stick when fellow contestant on Big Brother Angie Bowie told her... | 0:35:39 | 0:35:44 | |
..when she was actually talking | 0:35:46 | 0:35:47 | |
about her ex husband, the late David Bowie. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
David Gest was just asleep at that point. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
And Brendan Cole, do you know about the rumours of his death? | 0:35:52 | 0:35:58 | |
-Yes, so he was on Strictly, he's -on -Strictly and he was ill, | 0:35:58 | 0:36:02 | |
so he wasn't able to partner Anastasia at the weekend. | 0:36:02 | 0:36:05 | |
Yes, Brendan, he pulled out of Saturday' performance, due to a | 0:36:05 | 0:36:08 | |
lung infection, which led to the daily Star cautiously concluding... | 0:36:08 | 0:36:12 | |
How did Brendan react? | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
-"Am I?!" -And tweeted... | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:24 | 0:36:25 | |
Incidentally, the BBC would like to make it absolutely clear - | 0:36:25 | 0:36:29 | |
Brendan Cole is not dead. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:30 | |
Only behind the eyes. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
Ed Balls managed to survive another week. But what did he fail to do? | 0:36:33 | 0:36:37 | |
You must have seen this. | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
Dance. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:40 | |
There was a lift that went horribly wrong. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:43 | |
It was going wrong in instalments, really. | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
-Have we got it? -We have. Let's have a look. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
SONG: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo | 0:36:48 | 0:36:51 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS, THEN GASPS | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
Yes. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
But he must win! He must win! | 0:37:03 | 0:37:06 | |
Labour's got to win something this year! | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
You could spend 1,000 years trying to choreograph | 0:37:09 | 0:37:13 | |
something that amusing. | 0:37:13 | 0:37:15 | |
The moment with the real jeopardy, | 0:37:15 | 0:37:17 | |
and the moment when he has to grab her boob. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
It's either that or she smashes her skull on the floor. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:23 | |
Yes, they've all been rumoured to be dead | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
apart from Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal, | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
who, in 1357, attended her own coronation, | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
even though she really was dead. | 0:37:31 | 0:37:33 | |
Her body was dug up, sewn back together, covered in powder | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
and face paint, clad in finery and presented to the nation | 0:37:36 | 0:37:40 | |
in a grotesque spectacle. | 0:37:40 | 0:37:41 | |
Just like Sharon Osbourne on the X Factor. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:44 | |
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features | 0:37:44 | 0:37:47 | |
as its guest publication... | 0:37:47 | 0:37:49 | |
-Yes! -Uh-huh. -..and publications of the slide-rule circle. | 0:37:50 | 0:37:53 | |
I get this. I get this one. | 0:37:53 | 0:37:55 | |
A good magazine but all of its readers are calculating bastards. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:59 | |
We start with... | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
-Mates with Jeremy the snail? -Yeah. -Oh... | 0:38:05 | 0:38:08 | |
"I love the way your circles go the other way." | 0:38:08 | 0:38:13 | |
It's in fact... | 0:38:13 | 0:38:14 | |
Here he is in action. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:22 | 0:38:25 | |
I always wondered why people are filming these incidents | 0:38:28 | 0:38:31 | |
before they happen. Maybe it's part of an experiment or something. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
Is it an experiment to see whether frogs can... | 0:38:34 | 0:38:36 | |
-Do you think they got him drunk? -Pick the pissed frog? | 0:38:36 | 0:38:39 | |
See that's what they do in laboratories, isn't it? | 0:38:39 | 0:38:41 | |
Let's get all the frogs drunk. Next... | 0:38:41 | 0:38:44 | |
Um... I've no idea what a slide rule is, so... | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
It's the thing you used to calculate on before calculators. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
OK, and calculators were before phones? | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
Turn to the centrefold. | 0:38:57 | 0:38:59 | |
-Yeah. -Turn to the centrefold immediately for further guidance. | 0:38:59 | 0:39:03 | |
It is... | 0:39:03 | 0:39:04 | |
People who use slide-rules always felt superior to those | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
who used calculators. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:15 | |
Fine, but if you turn a slide-rule upside down, | 0:39:15 | 0:39:17 | |
you can't get it to make the word "boobies". | 0:39:17 | 0:39:19 | |
Next... | 0:39:21 | 0:39:22 | |
-High self esteem. -SNIGGERING | 0:39:25 | 0:39:27 | |
Is it bringing your top lip over your head | 0:39:27 | 0:39:30 | |
and using it as a bathing cap? | 0:39:30 | 0:39:31 | |
It's... | 0:39:31 | 0:39:33 | |
Here's what it looks like. | 0:39:35 | 0:39:37 | |
-Oh, that's rather good. -So... | 0:39:37 | 0:39:39 | |
-Uh, well... -I don't know. -In what sense is that a living plant? | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
It's a succulent. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
It looks like a fungal infection that's really gone to work. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:47 | |
Anyway, now you can say it with flowers. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:50 | |
And finally... | 0:39:53 | 0:39:54 | |
Dave. | 0:39:57 | 0:39:58 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
BBC Parliament! See how you like it, yeah? | 0:40:04 | 0:40:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:09 | 0:40:11 | |
Nothing wrong with Dave. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:13 | |
A new streaming video service, Napflix, aims to lull viewers | 0:40:19 | 0:40:24 | |
to sleep by streaming the least thrilling footage they can find. | 0:40:24 | 0:40:27 | |
Programmes will include the 1964 documentary... | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
-Now available as a box set. -Oh-ho-ho! Boom, boom! | 0:40:33 | 0:40:37 | |
The final scores are Ian and Rose have 4 points, | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
-but Paul and Chris are the winners with -9. Wahey! -Oh, well done. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:44 | |
Thank you, thank you. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:45 | |
I'm so sorry, Ian. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:47 | |
And I leave you with news that, in Liverpool, | 0:40:49 | 0:40:52 | |
on John McDonnell's orders, | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
a security dog sinks its teeth into a rival's backside. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
After a fleet of Russian warships is spotted in the English Channel, | 0:41:00 | 0:41:04 | |
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson issues an immediate response. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:08 | |
And as auditions begin for a remake of the film | 0:41:10 | 0:41:14 | |
Tarka The Otter, one young hopeful waits to see if he's got the part. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:18 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:23 |