Alex Insert Name Here


Alex

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Insert Name Here,

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the show where we discover surprising facts about people with just one thing in common,

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they've all got the same name.

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Joining me are six of my favourite people, all differently named,

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but all equally easy on the eye.

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They are Danny Baker and Kate Williams and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.

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And over on the other side, Gabby Logan,

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Adil Ray and their captain, Richard Osman.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, Danny, let's start with you,

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it's fair to say that you've come across some very odd names in your

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-journey of life. What's the strangest?

-Mine?

-Most exotic.

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I did, on the radio,

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and I have been doing a thing we called the exotic register, where we

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ask people to call up and say the names that they envy.

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There was a woman and she was in the Philippines and she said my name is

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Usanavy and I said, OK.

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She went but the point is we lived by the docks

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and my dad spoke no English but you'd see these big ships coming in

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with USA Navy on the back.

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He named her Usanavy. That was her name!

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Well, so to the all-important question of the evening,

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which name we'll be featuring tonight?

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Usanavy.

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Well, they can have the force of a hurricane or just give you

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the hairdryer treatment because tonight's name is...

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Alex.

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Oh!

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Of course, Alex tonight is going to include Alexander, Alexandra and Alexis.

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Along the way, our teams are going to be collecting as many Alexes as they can.

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At the end the winning team will have the honour of deciding who is

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officially the greatest Alex of all time,

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and that person will then be inducted into our

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Insert Name Hall of Fame.

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There isn't a living thing... I don't know why I'm gesturing, I just wanted to do it.

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I was hoping for a sound effect and a lighting change.

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I actually turned around then!

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So, any early thoughts who might be the greatest Alex of all time.

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-Josh?

-Well, there's a guy who carries an afternoon quiz show.

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-Oh, he's good.

-He is good.

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Oh, he's got it all, he's got it all.

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Alexander Armstrong.

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-RICHARD:

-I tell you what, if that got sold to Channel 4 he would stay,

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I guarantee that.

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He would. He'd take the money. I'd be at the BBC.

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Now, Richard, who is your favourite Alex of all time?

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There's a certain Alex who absolutely carries,

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I don't know if there's a Channel 4 late night comedy show called

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The Last Leg...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Right. Time to crack on with the show.

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Time to pick an Alex, any Alex.

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Our panellists will choose a category

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behind which lurks a famous face

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which our teams must then attempt to win.

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So, what have we got? We've got a great Alex, a really great Alex,

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the greatest Alex, and grated Alex.

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So, Richard's team, care to pick a category?

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Let's go for great Alex, please.

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You've gone for a Macedonian leader, horseman and drinker,

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Alexander the Great. Any relation, Josh?

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OK, let's have a look at Alexander's stats.

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Alexander had it all, he's been immortalised in many sculptures,

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like this one. And this one.

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-Oh, hello.

-Hello.

-And this one.

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-Whoa!

-That's Howard from Take That, I think.

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The one on the right reminds me,

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-do you remember the video to Lionel Richie, Hello?

-LAUGHTER

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At its peak, the fourth century BC,

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Alexander's Empire crossed three continents

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and covered around two million square miles,

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but what unusual form of transport did Alexander pioneer?

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Segway!

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-The bendy bus.

-A bendy bus?

-A bendy bus!

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I'll give you a clue, it was underwater.

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-JOSH:

-Submarine.

-RICHARD:

-Underwater space hopper.

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-It was a submarine.

-No.

-What?

-I'm telling you it was a submarine.

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Let's have a look.

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This is a picture from 1402, I've seen it.

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And that's his unfaithful wife trying to cut the cord so he drops down,

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so he's at risk of dying but he's got his secret weapons,

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which is the dog, the cat and the cock.

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Hah!

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-Here we go.

-He's got the cat because it's meant to be a re-breather so...

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Kate, Kate, you said cock, no-one's listening any more.

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Sorry, the cat was a re-breather?

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-The cat was a re-breather.

-What, like an inhaler?

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Like the way trees take in CO2 and breathe out oxygen,

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that's what the cat was doing.

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So they thought that cats breathed in carbon dioxide

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-and breathed out oxygen.

-Pretty much, yes.

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-Oops.

-And so the dog,

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what happens is as the air-quality gets bad,

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if the cat's not breathing hard enough, the dog will die,

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so Alexander will realise it's time to come up.

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-So they're like the canary.

-Yes.

-The canary down the mine.

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The canary, Sue, that's it! The cock is supposed to be the compass.

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-Oh...

-Oh...

-Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

-LAUGHTER

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You got that all right!

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-Yours is pointing due north, innit, mate?

-Exactly.

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Anyfink you want, love!

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The cat's the re-breather and the dog's the canary so in this picture,

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because she, the evil wife, is trying to cut Alexander adrift

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so he drowns in that very deep sea...

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-Yes.

-Alexander is too wise to this woman so he kills the dog

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and as a consequence the bathysphere pops up and he lives forever,

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so that is the medieval version of Alexander's submarine.

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-Wow.

-Oh.

-And he's here tonight...

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Alexander, a famously heavy drinker.

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Part of Macedonian life to worship the God Dionysus and Macedonia was

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famous for its all-male drinking clubs called symposia.

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Now, some members of these symposia had special drinking privileges.

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What did they have to do to get them?

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Nobody knows because the first rule of Macedonian drinking club...

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What happens stays...

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I mean, I'll give you a clue,

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they were hunting, shooting, fishing types,

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-so what would you do to...

-Hunt, shoot, fish?

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Yes! They would have to hunt.

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-What would they have to kill?

-A boar.

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-Fish.

-Fish.

-A boar, correct.

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I've got a reputation kind of being, you know...

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sort of butch. Anyway...

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Nothing could be...

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Never has anyone backed out of a sentence more than...

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Nothing could be further from the truth.

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You know you're not Danny Dyer, don't you, you know that?

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I have no traditional masculine skills at all

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and it's actually notorious in our family. My wife used to say,

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you must be able to put that up and it was a little bedside table,

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which I thought, I ain't that useless,

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so I'm sitting on the floor in the end and I've turned it upside down

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to put in the very last...and I've done it and I've shouted "when"!

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And it was pretty good, it was solid, it was pretty good,

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and I sat beside it and she come down and I said...

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And I went to stand up and I'd screwed my sock into the floor.

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Alexander died in 323 BC.

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-Oh, spoiler!

-Sorry.

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Two years before his body was brought back from Babylon to Macedonia,

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-how did they preserve the body?

-Was it Oil Of Olay?

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Oh, no, sorry, it would have been Oil Of Ulay at that point.

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Yes. Guaranteed to get rid of the seven signs of ageing, but not death, sadly.

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-It's one of the key signs of ageing, death.

-It is.

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I read that, sorry, it may or may not be true,

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but that after 80, you stop, you've lost all your elasticity by then,

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so any kind of sagginess and wrinkles that you have at 80,

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it won't get any worse.

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-Oh!

-Which is good news, because I'm from a family of centurions.

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I've got three relatives who've gone over 100.

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-Centurions or centenarians?

-I'm calling them centurions.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In my mind, I thought you were raised by those people

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who were half man, half horse.

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Centaur!

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Do you know how many people in United Kingdom are aged over 105?

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I do, yeah.

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Go on, how many?

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-850.

-850!

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Really? Oh, no, I've got some bad news for you.

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848.

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So, come on, let's get back to how they preserved the body?

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-How do you think?

-Fat. I know this one, vat of fat.

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-Urine.

-Honey.

-Honey it is.

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A vat of honey which is still available today

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if you go to the Co-op and order the Winnie the Pooh funeral plan.

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Now it's time to play for the Alex.

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What did Alexander first come across at the Battle of Gaugamela in 331 BC?

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At a battle? What would you come across?

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-Persians with spears.

-Elephants.

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-Elephants it is!

-Whoa!

-Well done. Boom, sir.

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I backed the wrong horse!

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-Elephant.

-Elephant, of course.

-It was indeed.

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-He'd never seen them before.

-Yeah.

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He decided when he saw them to create his own magnificent elephant army.

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Here is a depiction of Alexander being presented with a herd of elephants.

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LOUD GUFFAWS

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Literally, what?

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Yes, that was painted by someone with only the vaguest idea

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of what an elephant might look like.

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Literally, the first thing he said was,

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we're going to need a bigger submarine.

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Well done, Josh's team, you win the Alex.

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-There you go, boom!

-Well done, Danny.

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Well done.

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Right, Josh, it's your turn, time to pick an Alex.

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We've got a really great Alex, the greatest Alex and grated Alex.

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I'm going to go with a grated Alex.

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-Oh!

-So you have chosen grated Alex,

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it is Blur bassist turned Oxfordshire cheeseologist,

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Alex James.

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So let's have a look at his stats.

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And as we all know Alex found fame with Blur.

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There he is. Now, you consider yourself a bit of an expert on Blur.

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Oh, yeah, they were my Mastermind subject, Blur.

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-No!

-Yeah.

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Really? When did you win? You won?

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Only Celebrity Mastermind, not like normal.

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-That is...

-Not like clever people Mastermind.

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No. They make it a lot easier!

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I beat someone from Emmerdale and then afterwards she said to me,

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-"Your questions were easier."

-Oh!

-Does she?

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No-one likes a sour farmer.

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-No.

-So you went on Mastermind, I know this,

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-and you scored 11 points on Blur.

-I scored 11/13.

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But we are going to have our own mini Mastermind.

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-Uh-oh.

-Oh, no.

-Now.

-Oh, wow.

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MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS

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Oh, I wasn't told about this and I don't approve of it...

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So, your specialised subject is your very own appearance on Mastermind.

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Oh, my God!

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Your question is...

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What did you say when you were told you'd scored 11 points?

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Oh. I don't know and I don't want to know!

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Would you,

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would you like us to illuminate you as to what...

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You're not going to show the clip, are you?

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Well, I think we might.

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There we are. You got 11 points.

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Bah!

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LAUGHTER

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Well, what's that? That's not a word.

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It's not a word, it's an ejaculation.

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-It is.

-Well, that would have been far worse on Mastermind!

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Although, to be honest, when I won, I was close.

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Did he say you've started so you can finish?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So in the early days Blur obviously went by the name of...

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-Seymour.

-Seymour, exactly.

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What did the band do before they went on stage?

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-What was their...?

-Was it an enormous amount of cocaine?

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That may have featured but it's not on the card.

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I don't know.

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-You don't know.

-It's not drinking lots of champagne?

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-No, well, they got drunk and they...

-Alcohol is involved.

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Oh, did they just do an antiseptic hand wipe?

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Did they have an alcoholic footbath they walked through, like you do the

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swimming pool to stop veruccas?

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You know what, I'm going to give you that because it's actually not too far off it.

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They basically poured wine all over themselves.

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-Oh!

-Really?

-Alex said...

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So, Alex James and Graham Coxon were absent for a performance on Italian TV.

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-Who replaced them?

-Was it Mel and Sue?

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That time may well come.

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There's a few windows in the diary, unexpectedly.

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If Alex and Graham ring me and say we're supposed to be on Italian TV,

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we can't be arsed, Mel and I will go, we're there.

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Oh, so you're going to ITALIAN TV, that's fine, is it?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Think inanimate objects.

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One of their replacements was inanimate.

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-Oh, Paul McCartney?

-That's not fair.

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It was a roadie and a cardboard cutout.

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Alex James always insisted on three bottles of champagne

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being put in his dressing room before a gig, that was his rider.

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What did he demand go with it?

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Another three bottles of champagne.

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Is it a carrot?

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-It is a carrot!

-It's a carrot.

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How do you know this stuff?!

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-Bravo.

-I'm an expert and I don't know this stuff.

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He thought that it would get rid of any kind of breath smells

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-if he would eat a carrot.

-He did indeed. Absolutely right.

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He basically said that drinking champagne made your breath smell,

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but a carrot, grated carrot after it, neutralised it.

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Have you ever met a drunk rabbit?

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-Never!

-No.

-You just don't know though, do you, Gabby?

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You don't know what they're masking.

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Maybe they're not meant to hop like that.

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Right. Alex spends a lot of his time in the company of women.

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What was his chat up line to supermodel Helena Christensen?

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Fancy a carrot?

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She's from Denmark, so did he say something along the lines of

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I've always fancied a Danish?

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Oh!

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-Smooth!

-If he was going for the Denmark puns did he offer her a leg-over?

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Wa-hey!

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-Lego.

-That got less than it deserved, Josh.

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Do you know what, I thought this was the best thing I've ever said,

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-and it didn't prove to be the case.

-I enjoyed it!

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She'd have said though, you go and Lurpak your bags.

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-Hooray!

-Are you kidding me?

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I'll tell you what he said, he said, "God, I think you're beautiful.

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"Do you like cheese?"

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Time now to play for the Alex.

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James, famous for creating Artisan cheeses from his Oxfordshire farm,

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as a tribute to Alex we'll have a little cheese tasting.

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Here it is... There you go, one for you, my lovely.

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And...

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-Thank you so much.

-That's for you, darling.

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Now, according to the makers...

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Is one of the words "cheese?"

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-It's not cheese.

-A hint of cheese.

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Is it Earth, wind, with a hint of fire?

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It's boozy.

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Think of booze, what could the booze be?

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-Vodka.

-Vodka.

-Think Napoleonic.

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-Brandy.

-Brandy.

-Correct.

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There is a nut in there, can you give us the nut?

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-Walnut.

-Nutty.

-Walnut.

-Almonds, Almonds.

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-Indeed. Oh, indeed!

-Bloody hell.

-Just the last one.

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There's something musty that could give you a rise.

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-Yeast.

-Yeasty.

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Well done. Correct.

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Yeasty, almondy, with a hint of brandy.

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That is exactly right. OK, well done,

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by finishing it off you got the Alex!

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Well done, Richard.

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Richard, your turn.

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Your turn to pick an Alex, a really great Alex or the greatest Alex.

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I think we'll go for the greatest Alex.

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You've picked the most successful Premier League manager ever,

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with 49 trophies, Sir Alex Ferguson.

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Let's have a look at his stats.

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The legend that is Sir Alex Ferguson,

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or, as this guy remembers him,

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Sir Alex FEGUSON...

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Off you pop to Tattoo Fixers.

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He was born on New Year's Eve, 1941, brought up in Govan, Glasgow,

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struggled at school, especially, this will come as no surprise,

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with authority. And in 2001,

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what did his teacher, Bill Dobie,

0:17:370:17:39

sell to an antiques dealer for 55 quid?

0:17:390:17:42

Was it Jaap Stam?

0:17:420:17:45

-His bad report?

-No.

-His homework?

-No.

0:17:490:17:52

Was it an art, a bit of art?

0:17:520:17:53

-No, it's not.

-Like a detention record?

0:17:530:17:56

It was something to do with punishment, it is punishment.

0:17:560:17:59

-Was it his cane?

-I'll give you that, yes, indeed.

0:17:590:18:02

Colour of buttocks, bright red, as it goes.

0:18:020:18:05

It was the belt, actually, that he used to beat Alex Ferguson with.

0:18:050:18:10

Isn't that horrific? It is horrific.

0:18:100:18:12

At Aberdeen his players gave him the nickname Furious Fergie.

0:18:120:18:16

Ferguson fined one of his Aberdeen players, John Hewitt,

0:18:160:18:19

for an unusual transgression.

0:18:190:18:20

-What had he'd done wrong?

-Was it on the pitch or off the pitch?

0:18:200:18:23

No, it was off the pitch actually.

0:18:230:18:25

-Oh...

-He didn't leave his things tidy enough?

0:18:250:18:27

No. He overtook Ferguson on a public road.

0:18:270:18:30

-Just overtook him.

-He fined him?

-What, for overtaking him?

0:18:320:18:35

-For overtaking him.

-Was he speeding?

0:18:350:18:37

Well, nowadays they would kill for three points, Man U.

0:18:370:18:40

GROANS AND CHEERS

0:18:400:18:43

You must have had dealings with him, Gabby, did you?

0:18:470:18:49

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Was he scary?

0:18:490:18:51

I sat next to him once at a charity dinner and Roy Keane was there,

0:18:510:18:54

he still played for Manchester United.

0:18:540:18:56

Oh, my God, that is my nightmare table.

0:18:560:18:59

Turn up at a wedding and you are between Alex Ferguson and Roy Keane.

0:18:590:19:03

-RICHARD:

-They probably wouldn't be delighted either.

0:19:030:19:06

1999, Ferguson was found not guilty of illegally driving

0:19:080:19:11

on a motorway hard shoulder. What was the excuse that he gave?

0:19:110:19:15

He needed the toilet, he had some bowel condition.

0:19:150:19:17

He had some bowel, he had a bowel.

0:19:170:19:21

And a need to evacuate it.

0:19:210:19:23

-No.

-Yes, that is absolutely right.

0:19:230:19:25

He said he was caught short?

0:19:250:19:27

So you are saying that Alex Ferguson had a shit on the hard shoulder?

0:19:270:19:31

-No.

-Imagine driving past that.

0:19:310:19:33

You're not going to believe what I've just seen...

0:19:330:19:37

There's a seven mile tailback because people are looking at Alex Ferguson.

0:19:370:19:41

-RICHARD:

-The traffic stops because no-one is allowed to overtake him.

0:19:410:19:45

They're all just waiting him out...

0:19:450:19:47

As he's foraging for leaves on the hard shoulder...

0:19:470:19:51

Oh, that's my favourite thing we've ever talked about on this show.

0:19:530:19:56

He told Bury magistrates, because it went that far,

0:19:560:19:58

it did go to Magistrate's Court,

0:19:580:20:00

he had been experiencing stomach cramps the night before,

0:20:000:20:03

when he got on the M602 he started to feel the cramps again

0:20:030:20:06

and he had no choice but to use the hard shoulder

0:20:060:20:08

to get off the motorway.

0:20:080:20:09

M602 of course is now rhyming slang.

0:20:090:20:12

Now time to play for the Alex.

0:20:220:20:24

We will return to Fergie's legendary hairdryer treatment,

0:20:240:20:27

specifically the famous dressing room incident

0:20:270:20:29

in which he kicked a boot, which cut David Beckham's eyebrow.

0:20:290:20:33

How did they mark this event in Hong Kong?

0:20:330:20:36

Is there some kind of tableau, waxwork?

0:20:360:20:39

A waxwork is exactly right, well done, Danny.

0:20:390:20:41

This was at the Hong Kong Madame Tussaud's,

0:20:450:20:48

the plaster and fake blood were removed once Beckham's wound had fully healed.

0:20:480:20:51

Congratulations and well done,

0:20:510:20:54

because Josh's team, you win the Alex.

0:20:540:20:57

So, time now to fire up our Alex flavoured fruit machine.

0:21:000:21:03

Each spin will reveal three faces.

0:21:030:21:05

Our teams must then match the extraordinary fact

0:21:050:21:08

to the extraordinary Alex. Right, let us spin.

0:21:080:21:11

First up we have got Princess Alexandra,

0:21:110:21:13

mystic and mentalist Alexander the crystal seer and Obi-Wan Kenobi,

0:21:130:21:19

Alec Guinness.

0:21:190:21:21

Who predicted that James Dean would die in a car crash

0:21:210:21:25

one week before he died in a car crash?

0:21:250:21:27

Now, Josh's team, you're going to get to choose this one.

0:21:270:21:30

-Oh, that's spooky, isn't it?

-Ooh...

0:21:300:21:31

I'd suggest it's got to be Alec Guinness.

0:21:310:21:34

-Because...

-He's like Yoda.

0:21:340:21:37

It's too obvious...

0:21:370:21:39

I mean I'm not an expert on Star Wars

0:21:390:21:41

but I'm pretty sure the character he plays isn't Yoda.

0:21:410:21:44

Yeah.

0:21:440:21:45

I would suggest it's Alec Guinness because he's in the same profession.

0:21:450:21:48

And it's too obvious to have the middle one, is that what we are saying?

0:21:480:21:51

It's too obvious... The Queen's cousin, why would she be talking about James Dean?

0:21:510:21:55

I don't know, but I can imagine Alec Guinness saying, "Son, you had better be careful in that car."

0:21:550:21:59

All right, you want to go with Alec Guinness, who are you going to go for, guys?

0:21:590:22:02

I don't know, the one in the middle does seem a bit too obvious.

0:22:020:22:05

-A bit obvious.

-And Princess Alexandra,

0:22:050:22:06

we don't know much about her, she's not one of the most prominent royals,

0:22:060:22:09

maybe that's because she's got an embarrassing habit

0:22:090:22:12

of predicting high-profile deaths.

0:22:120:22:14

Possible, possible. The Queen in the '50s famously had

0:22:140:22:17

an affair with James Dean.

0:22:170:22:19

Very famously.

0:22:190:22:20

And so perhaps Princess Alexandra got a whiff of that and just said,

0:22:200:22:24

you know, "He's going to die within a week."

0:22:240:22:26

They found one of his leather jackets, didn't they, in the Palace.

0:22:260:22:28

-Yeah, in the Palace.

-That's how they knew.

0:22:280:22:31

Yeah, and Philip said "Whose is this?"

0:22:310:22:33

And she went, "Oh, I think it's the Chinese ambassador."

0:22:330:22:35

And he was like, "Hmm, I don't know."

0:22:350:22:37

The following week James Dean was spotted on a chat show in the States,

0:22:370:22:40

it was Here's Johnny or something,

0:22:400:22:41

just wearing his white T-shirt with no leather jacket.

0:22:410:22:44

Yeah, and Johnny Carson said, "Where's your jacket, boy?" And James Dean had no answer.

0:22:440:22:47

-He went, "Erm, er..."

-"Don't know."

0:22:470:22:49

And then rushed home and then the rest is history.

0:22:490:22:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:56

All right, so you are saying Alexandra, let's see - the correct answer is...

0:22:570:23:02

CHEERING

0:23:020:23:05

He went out to dinner with Dean, who showed him his brand-new car.

0:23:090:23:12

Alec Guinness said to James Dean, to his face,

0:23:120:23:15

that if he went out in that car he would be dead in a week,

0:23:150:23:17

and sure enough he died a week later.

0:23:170:23:20

Spooky, that is.

0:23:200:23:23

Josh. Congratulations, you win the Alex.

0:23:230:23:26

So, we're spinning, we're spinning, we're spinning,

0:23:290:23:32

and we have got Scottish political firebrand Alex Salmond.

0:23:320:23:37

The other one off Pointless, Alexander Armstrong,

0:23:370:23:40

and cage fighter and Katie Price ex-husband Alex Reid.

0:23:400:23:44

The question is which Alex was such a big fan of Star Trek

0:23:440:23:47

that they used to stand in front of the mirror with a clothes peg

0:23:470:23:51

on their eyebrow whilst perfecting their impersonation of Mr Spock?

0:23:510:23:54

Interesting that all three of those are ex-husbands of Katie Price.

0:23:540:23:57

Is it likely to be Alexander Armstrong?

0:24:010:24:03

I think it wouldn't be because he will crack open an impression

0:24:030:24:07

at any time and he's never done a Mr Spock.

0:24:070:24:10

Or has he? Oh, no, hold on, he does it a lot.

0:24:100:24:12

No, he does Mr Spock a lot and he has always got the clothes peg,

0:24:120:24:15

-but I don't think we'll go for him.

-Alex Salmond would be...

0:24:150:24:19

-Right age group.

-I'd be leaning towards him.

0:24:190:24:21

-Shall we go for Alex Salmond?

-Yeah, I think it's Alex Salmond.

0:24:210:24:24

Alex Salmond, although Xander, I'm telling you now for a fact...

0:24:240:24:27

-Always does it.

-Does a lot of impressions of Spock.

0:24:270:24:29

So you're saying Alex Salmond.

0:24:290:24:31

Josh's team? Who are you going for?

0:24:310:24:33

Well, it's Xander, we've got all the facts.

0:24:330:24:35

Well, Richard tried put us off the scent.

0:24:350:24:37

If it was Alexander Armstrong he might have,

0:24:370:24:39

rather than put us off the scent he might have gone with it himself.

0:24:390:24:42

Exactly, that's what I mean.

0:24:420:24:43

He's not trying to close the game out for a 0-0!

0:24:430:24:47

You know what,

0:24:470:24:49

I'm going to go with Alexander Armstrong

0:24:490:24:51

just to double bluff the double bluff.

0:24:510:24:53

Let's see what the right answer is?

0:24:530:24:56

Alex Salmond.

0:24:560:24:59

Richard, you, congratulations, win the Alex.

0:24:590:25:03

Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.

0:25:030:25:05

I'm going to start by reading out an Alex-based gem.

0:25:050:25:08

You have to buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

0:25:080:25:11

First up, Three Musketeers writer, Alexandre Dumas.

0:25:110:25:15

BELL

0:25:200:25:23

Was it only to discover

0:25:230:25:24

that all Americans pronounced his name "dumb ass?"

0:25:240:25:28

-BELL

-Did he discover the real duel was against Shadow from Gladiators

0:25:280:25:32

using pugil sticks?

0:25:320:25:34

No, but I'll give you that because actually...

0:25:340:25:37

Will you?!

0:25:370:25:38

No, I'll give it you because it's true that they didn't use pistols.

0:25:400:25:44

Dumas won the fight despite...

0:25:440:25:47

-BELL

-Despite what? Danny?

0:25:470:25:49

The other man having a pen, so there goes that phrase.

0:25:490:25:53

What was the worst thing that can happen during a duel,

0:25:530:25:55

apart from being killed?

0:25:550:25:57

-BELL

-Oh, is it despite being French?

0:25:570:26:01

-RICHARD:

-That is the worst thing.

-Didn't he drop his sword?

0:26:010:26:03

He didn't drop his sword, he dropped something else.

0:26:030:26:06

-His trousers.

-His trousers.

-Indeed, his trousers fell down

0:26:060:26:10

because despite...

0:26:100:26:13

Oh, it was that kind of sword fight.

0:26:130:26:15

Despite the cold weather, Dumas agreed to remove his cloak

0:26:150:26:18

and upper clothing for the duel,

0:26:180:26:20

only to have his braceless trousers fall down,

0:26:200:26:23

causing bystanders to laugh out loud.

0:26:230:26:25

Congratulations, Josh, you win the Alex.

0:26:250:26:29

Next up, fashion design Alexander McQueen.

0:26:320:26:35

-BELL

-A bespoke potato.

0:26:390:26:42

-BUZZER

-It was Prince Charles, I think.

0:26:430:26:46

It was Prince Charles. Absolutely was Prince Charles.

0:26:460:26:49

And, as I say, Prince Charles,

0:26:520:26:54

and hand sewn into the lining, the phrase...

0:26:540:26:57

-BUZZER

-Made in Bangladesh.

0:26:570:27:01

I actually do know the answer to this but don't want to say the word

0:27:010:27:04

because I'm collecting an OBE and I really love Prince Charles.

0:27:040:27:06

-I'll say it.

-Let me... What, do you want to say it?

0:27:060:27:09

-Oh.

-No, I don't want to say it.

-Let's nobody say it.

0:27:090:27:11

He actually hand sewed into the lining this phrase...

0:27:110:27:13

-No!

-Wow!

0:27:140:27:17

That is absolutely outrageous,

0:27:170:27:19

it should have said, "One is", not "I am".

0:27:190:27:22

Absolutely disgusting.

0:27:230:27:26

Wow.

0:27:260:27:28

But when Charles noticed,

0:27:280:27:30

he immediately phoned Prince Andrew and said, "I think I've got your jacket."

0:27:300:27:35

Congratulations, Richard, you win the Alex. Well done.

0:27:350:27:39

So, we've come to the end of the show and I can now reveal

0:27:420:27:45

the team with the most Alexes is...

0:27:450:27:48

Richard's team!

0:27:480:27:50

Well done.

0:27:520:27:53

Richard, you of course get the big prize,

0:27:560:27:58

you get to name the greatest Alex of all time.

0:27:580:28:01

-It is hard, I think.

-What about the...

0:28:010:28:04

-Graham Bell.

-Graham Bell, we haven't talked about him at all.

0:28:040:28:07

That's a really good one, he invented the phone.

0:28:070:28:09

-Alexander Graham Bell.

-Without that, where would we be?

-Exactly.

0:28:090:28:12

That's a really good one.

0:28:120:28:13

We wouldn't be listening to PPI calls every five minutes!

0:28:130:28:16

See, I was going to say Alex Higgins but I think actually will say Alexander Graham Bell.

0:28:160:28:20

Richard, that is a perfect choice,

0:28:200:28:22

not least because he was the really great Alex that you didn't get round to picking in round one,

0:28:220:28:26

so I am delighted to say that Alexander Graham Bell

0:28:260:28:29

is the greatest Alex of all time.

0:28:290:28:32

APPLAUSE

0:28:320:28:34

So let's put him up in the Insert Name Here Hall of Fame.

0:28:370:28:40

Up they go.

0:28:400:28:42

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:28:420:28:43

Yeah. It really is... It really is just that.

0:28:430:28:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:470:28:50

Thank you to all my guests.

0:28:500:28:53

Special thanks to all the Alexes here, there and everywhere

0:28:530:28:55

and thanks most of all to you at home for watching.

0:28:550:28:57

See you soon, goodnight.

0:28:570:29:00

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