Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

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Transcript


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'Ladies and gentlemen,

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'please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican!'

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APPLAUSE

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# Dude look like a lady

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# Dude look like a lady

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-# Dude look like a lady. #

-Hello.

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Hello.

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Thank you very much for coming. Welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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APPLAUSE

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It was lovely the way I was introduced there.

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It's a really nice thing to get used to in a new job

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when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer.

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It's lovely! It was a little bit weird at the doctor's the other day.

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LAUGHTER

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Cos nobody clapped.

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Every time I said "clap", they thought that's what I had.

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LAUGHTER

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But I decided, a lot of people do this in January...

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I decided in January to try to sort of better myself.

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I'm not bothered about losing weight, but I like the idea of getting fit,

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so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD.

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You know when your partner goes shopping and asks, "Do you want anything?"

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and you're supposed to say, "No", but instead you give them a list?

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I love doing that.

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Sometimes I make shit up I don't even need just to see his face.

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And he looks at the list and he goes,

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"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"

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Ha-ha! It's a test!

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And I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"

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That's what I thought I'd do, get an exercise DVD.

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I said, "Just get a bog-standard, like a beginner's guide,

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"a very basic exercise DVD."

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And he said, "No problem." He came home with Davina's Buff Your Abs.

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I'll have to lose three stone before I can find me bloody abs.

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I swapped it for the one that I wanted,

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which was, you know, just Fat Lass Has A Go. You know.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Or the sequel, Fat Lass Tries Again.

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LAUGHTER

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I watched the first few minutes.

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It's always a celebrity and a trainer.

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A celebrity sells the DVDs and the trainer knows what they're doing.

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In the first few minutes, they were laughing at nothing.

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It was very unnerving.

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And the trainer said to the celebrity...

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SHE LAUGHS

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"Why don't you tell the viewers at home

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"what weight you were when you started this regime?"

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And the celebrity went...

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SHE LAUGHS

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"When I started this regime, I was 10 stone."

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LAUGHTER

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I realised then that I'm aiming for her start weight.

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LAUGHTER

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But I like to eat. Is that so bad? I like to eat.

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Sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm, but that it's just full.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm trying to eat more healthily. I had an apple the other day.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

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I put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday.

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And by the Thursday, there weren't any KitKats left.

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And I was starving. I thought, I'm gonna have to find it.

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So I rooted around in me handbag and I found it.

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It was prematurely bruised and battered.

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It had pen on it.

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LAUGHTER

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But I was starving. So I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it.

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GROANING

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APPLAUSE

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And it was all right. It was all right.

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It reminded me of something I'd had years ago that I liked.

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I was like, "What does it remind me of?" Toffee apples.

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LAUGHTER

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And we've got some recognisable faces in.

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We've got Olympic medallist, Colin Jackson in!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, love! So, Colin Jackson, you've got a safety net.

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If things ever get tight money-wise,

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you can just take your medals to Cash4Gold.

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LAUGHTER

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Who else have we got in? We've got Kerry Katona in.

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CHEERING

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Did you bring the buffet, pet? Cos that was the deal.

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You lot can divide the prawn rings between yourselves,

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but keep your hands off the bloody Viennetta, right?

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We've got Andrew Castle in. Give us a cheer for Andrew Castle.

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CHEERING

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Former professional tennis player, Andrew Castle,

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I believe. It's so nice to meet a bloke for whom 15 love is a score

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rather than an idea of how long you should leave it after he's been in the bathroom.

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Give it 15, love.

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And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from the One Show!

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CHEERING

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You guys are on Twitter, aren't you? I like Twitter.

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-Cheer if you're on Twitter.

-CHEERING

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Loads of you. I like it, but it can sometimes be a little bit weird, can't it?

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I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said,

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"I've got a bit of spare time on me hands

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"and I don't know whether to watch some porn...or you."

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-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

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-SHE LAUGHS

-He's in!

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LAUGHTER

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That struck me as being a little bit odd.

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I don't know much about porn,

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but from what I can gather, it's fantasy, isn't it?

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It's supposed to be unachievable things.

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Like having sex with two women at the same time.

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-Or one. Er...

-LAUGHTER

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He's fine, he's fine.

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But I put myself firmly in the bracket of "achievable."

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LAUGHTER

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By that laughter, so do you, you shits!

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LAUGHTER

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So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,

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slightly-overweight woman who witters on.

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Just wander around ASDA. There's hundreds of me!

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LAUGHTER

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Look along at the end of your sofa. You might be married to one of me.

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LAUGHTER

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But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone.

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CHEERING

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A few of you. You sound very happy about it. Well done.

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Something you might not know, people who live on their own,

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is that you can still have breakfast in bed if you live on your own.

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Listen up, bitches.

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LAUGHTER

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If I want breakfast in bed, what I do before I go to bed

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is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.

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LAUGHTER

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And then when I wake up the next day, as me eyes are focusing,

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I think, "There's a bloody Twix just there!"

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LAUGHTER

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But sometimes, there's just a wrapper.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I've obviously got up for a wee in the night and gone, "Aah"!

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Either that or the Tooth Fairy's moved over to the dark side.

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LAUGHTER

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But I'm in a relationship at the moment.

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Give us a cheer all the couples in.

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CHEERING

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I've been with my fella for four years.

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He's lovely. He bought a suit recently.

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I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit. Quite fancied him in the suit.

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I did. I think it was just the prospect of a regular income.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you get sick pay? Shut up!

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I told him, I said I quite fancy you in the suit and he said, and I quote,

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"If you like, I'll leave it on and sort you out all good and proper, all posh and that."

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I said, "You forgot to say 'Miss Moneypenny' on the end".

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We only have problems at present-giving time.

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Christmases, birthdays, that sort of thing.

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Cos my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises.

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And I really don't like...surprises.

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Anybody else who doesn't really like surprises? A few of you.

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See, what we've done is we've got a happy medium now.

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I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.

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LAUGHTER

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Five or six things. He picks one.

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I don't know which one it is, so technically, it's a surprise.

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It was my birthday at the end of May.

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He came home a few days before and said, "You'll never guess what I've done!"

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I said, "What have you done?" He said, "I've gone off-list."

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LAUGHTER

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He said, "I'm not sure you'll like it."

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I said, "Why the hell did you buy it, then?

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-LAUGHTER

-"..thank you."

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LAUGHTER

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A friend who doesn't know us well said, "That sounds like an engagement ring!"

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I said, "No, it sounds like Kerplunk."

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LAUGHTER

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A couple of years ago, I had really bad flu,

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couldn't get out of bed, felt terrible.

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My boyfriend said, "I'll get you a present to cheer you up."

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Now, I'm quite easy to cheer up.

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I like flowers, chocolates. I'm a walking cliche.

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My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time,

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and were everywhere in buckets for £1.00.

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LAUGHTER

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Chocolate-wise, I'm happy with a Twix or a Twirl,

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so you're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.

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LAUGHTER

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He chose to disregard that relevant information

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and bought something he thought was appropriate,

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which was a Mr Potato Head.

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LAUGHTER

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I still don't really know why.

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But, ironically, when I opened the box,

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I wanted to re-arrange his bloody face.

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LAUGHTER

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But because we don't live together - we live 90 miles apart - perfect relationship...

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LAUGHTER

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..We often have times, three or four days a week, maybe, where we're alone. I quite like that.

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I like sleeping in my own bed, alone. I like to do the starfish. I love it.

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I absolutely love it. We all love our partners, but when they're there, they're all...

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breathing, and that, and it's irritating.

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LAUGHTER

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My boyfriend snores. Have we got snorers in?

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CHEERS

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Not that many. What about people who think they're sitting beside a snorer?

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-CHEERS

-Quite a lot more.

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My boyfriend snores and we got some of those strips that you put across the bridge of your nose?

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they're supposed to open your nostrils and make your airways clearer so that you don't snore.

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In theory, they work. They worked until Christmas Day came. Something you need to know about me...

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is that I really love Brussels sprouts.

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LAUGHTER

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Some of you are a little bit further ahead than others.

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my boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts, so at Christmas, we get a big bag and I ate the lot.

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I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty toxic..

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just before we went to bed on Christmas night, my boyfriend said,

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"Do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight?

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"I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger than they absolutely have to be."

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Another thing he does, he puts his arm across me in bed.

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I quite like that, I feel quite safe and protected.

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But then sometimes, he'll put his leg across and I think, "Oh, now you're taking the piss."

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Last time he did it, he rubbed his foot up and down my leg.

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Yeah, and he hasn't got terrific feet, they're just feet, you know?

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They're just a little bit crusty.

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There's...hard skin and long nails and hairs.

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I said, "You look like you could pick up mice with those". They've got a...

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..slightly owl-like quality to them.

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So he rubbed his foot up and down me leg and I went,

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"What you doing?"

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LAUGHTER

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And he went, "I'm being tender".

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I said, "No, love - you're exfoliating".

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But because we don't see each other as much as we'd like, we miss each other. So sometimes,

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obviously we speak a lot on the phone and we text each other a lot,

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but sometimes we send e-mails to each other

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with photographs attached.

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Not THOSE kind of photographs!

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"Look what YOU'RE missing." No!

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LAUGHTER

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No, you might think this is a bit sad, but I think it's quite sweet

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and I'm slightly wearing my heart on my sleeve even telling you this.

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I'll give an example. The last one I sent was a photograph of a sad kitten,

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and above it... This was the Friday, we were seeing each other again on Monday, and I'd written above it,

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"This is how I feel".

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-ALL:

-Aaah.

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And he sent back a picture of a happy dog,

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and above it he'd written,

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"But this is what you'll be like on Monday".

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And I looked at the bottom of the photograph and the dog had its leg in a cast.

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LAUGHTER

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It went straight from being quite a sweet message to an actual physical threat.

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LAUGHTER

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When you've been together a few years, you get to know each other a bit better,

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and there are new things that pop up about each other

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that turn each other on and you don't know this.

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New things can pop up that turn you on

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and they can pop up in the most unusual of places.

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We were having a carvery.

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(I love a carvery.)

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And with his pudding, he got a jug of custard.

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And he poured the custard onto his pudding

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and then he licked the spout of the custard jug

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and I was genuinely aroused!

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LAUGHTER

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I just leaned over to him and I went, "Get in the car."

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LAUGHTER

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Bring the custard.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But I've always been quite a late developer.

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You know when you find out about sex, about the birds and the bees...

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Give us a cheer if you found out via your family?

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-FAINT CHEER

-A few of you.

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-And what about if you found out via friends?

-CHEERING

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So quite a lot of you unaccounted for.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you just not know?

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LAUGHTER

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My mam bought me a book. I've still got it now. It's a book by Claire Rayner.

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And it's got all of the parts of the body. It describes puberty.

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And in it, they call your vagina...

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LAUGHTER

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..they call it a "baby-making hole".

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I don't have babies and I don't have any plans to have babies,

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so I cannot call mine that, can I?

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So I call mine my "cock cheerer-upperer".

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And I've always been quite cautious by nature.

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I've got a friend who's got what I call a very dangerous lifestyle.

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He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.

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To me, "exciting" is when you start a new tea towel.

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LAUGHTER

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Love it, love it. Ah! It's all been folded in the cupboard.

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No? No? Just me.

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But my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.

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He's quite open about his sexual exploits.

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He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?

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"I've had sex on a kitchen sink." And I said, "No."

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I thought, "Am I a prude?" I don't think I am, but maybe I am.

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So I said to me boyfriend, "Would, I mean, would you...

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"Would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink?"

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I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment,

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rather than just, "When you've done the dishes, get your arse on there."

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LAUGHTER

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He said, "Why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink?

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"That would be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."

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LAUGHTER

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And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"

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He said, "I've had sex on a plane."

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And I said, "No."

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And he said, "That's dangerous. That's exciting."

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I said, "Well, I suppose it is,

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"but I think having a massive shit

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"with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."

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LAUGHTER

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And I've definitely done that.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And from the clapping, I can tell I'm not the only one.

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We're all members of the Pile-High club.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What an absolutely glorious audience you are this evening.

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Thank you so much for coming. You've got an amazing night ahead of you.

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It's time to introduce our first act.

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He's a good friend. I've gigged with him many times.

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You're gonna absolutely love him.

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Give him a warm welcome and welcome to the stage, Steve Hughes!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

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Hello!

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-London.

-CHEERING

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All right. Excellent. How are you? My name's Steve.

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I'm from Australia, actually.

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CHEERING

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Some of you have probably been, or thought about going to Australia

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and then went, "H-H-How long does it take to get there?

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LAUGHTER

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"27 hours?

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"In a plane?"

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"27 hours in a tube of farts?"

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LAUGHTER

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That's a reality none of you really want to take on board, but that's what's really happening.

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you're sitting there for a day and a half with 600 other people,

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eating airline food - I'm telling you, someone is farting. Understand?

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LAUGHTER

0:19:060:19:08

When you get to Australia, you think you've got jetlag -

0:19:080:19:10

I'm just telling you, it's not jetlag. Understand?

0:19:100:19:13

You've been basting.

0:19:130:19:15

It's a ridiculous distance for any place to be on earth - the next stop is the moon.

0:19:190:19:23

LAUGHTER

0:19:230:19:24

That's what it's like growing up there - you're standing there,

0:19:240:19:27

going, "What's the rest of the world doing? What are they up to? Can we join in?"

0:19:270:19:31

"No."

0:19:310:19:32

"Why not?" "Cos it's 12 hours' drive to the airport. Sit down."

0:19:320:19:36

LAUGHTER

0:19:360:19:38

And there's no one there.

0:19:380:19:39

It's a continent twice the size of Europe - there's 22 million people there. That's no one.

0:19:410:19:45

You want to see a queue, in Australia?

0:19:450:19:48

LAUGHTER

0:19:500:19:51

That's it.

0:19:530:19:55

They think it's crowded. And I've been to Mumbai, in India.

0:19:560:20:01

28 million people, one city.

0:20:010:20:04

That's crowded.

0:20:040:20:05

That's traffic.

0:20:050:20:07

Try putting health and safety regulations on these people.

0:20:070:20:11

They're selling raw chickens on a piece of cardboard in the sun.

0:20:110:20:14

It's a brilliant place. We're told in the West that we live in free countries,

0:20:170:20:20

but I don't think that's necessarily true all the time,

0:20:200:20:23

because freedom is a multi-faceted construct...

0:20:230:20:26

which extends beyond political ideology.

0:20:260:20:28

-Whoo!

-Yes.

0:20:280:20:30

And I've been to Mumbai. You can do whatever you want.

0:20:300:20:33

Break the law? Do whatever you want. Want to sell some socks on a bridge? Sell some socks on a bridge.

0:20:330:20:38

"Where's your shop, mate?" " Here."

0:20:400:20:42

"What do you want? I've got three socks, a battery and a hand grenade. You want it?"

0:20:440:20:47

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:49

It's brilliant. You want hang out of the train? You hang out of the train!

0:20:500:20:54

LAUGHTER

0:20:540:20:56

Get on the roof.

0:20:560:20:58

Want to go to the doctor? You don't have to. Why? There's an old bloke in the street with medicine.

0:21:000:21:05

You don't have to wait in a queue and ring up,

0:21:060:21:08

"Can I get an appointment, see a doctor and get a prescription?" No.

0:21:080:21:11

You buy it off THIS bloke in the STREET.

0:21:110:21:13

My mate in North London goes to me, "You'd buy MEDICINE off an old Indian bloke in the STREET?

0:21:130:21:19

I went, "For sure". He goes, "Why?" I said, "I'll tell you why, mate.

0:21:190:21:22

"Cos he's 300 years old, he's got one tooth and he lives in a bin. He's still alive!"

0:21:220:21:27

LAUGHTER

0:21:270:21:29

APPLAUSE

0:21:290:21:30

That's why.

0:21:300:21:32

He knows shit. Should I trust him or some bloke in Muswell Hill with six mortgages?

0:21:350:21:39

LAUGHTER

0:21:390:21:41

It's good to be here. Hammersmith Odeon.

0:21:450:21:47

I know it's the Apollo, but I call it the Odeon cos I'm old school.

0:21:470:21:50

LAUGHTER

0:21:500:21:51

I grew up with Motorhead, No Sleep Till Hammersmith. No Sleep Till Hammersmith Odeon. Exactly.

0:21:510:21:56

Whoo!

0:21:560:21:57

Old school. That's what it is.

0:21:570:21:59

I used to play in heavy metal bands. That's why I left Australia.

0:21:590:22:03

It doesn't like that stuff. I never suited Australia.

0:22:030:22:05

It's a weird place. My parents are British

0:22:050:22:07

and it's strange being a white man in a black man's country in the middle of Asia.

0:22:070:22:11

LAUGHTER

0:22:110:22:13

And the culture's strange. I never suited it, you know?

0:22:170:22:19

It's all based around sport and...racism. And, er...

0:22:190:22:23

LAUGHTER

0:22:230:22:25

I wasn't very good at either of them.

0:22:250:22:27

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't know what to kick.

0:22:270:22:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:300:22:34

And so I've played in bands. I've played here, in 1989.

0:22:380:22:41

A heavy metal band. See, I love all forms of heavy metal.

0:22:410:22:43

I love heavy metal, thrash metal, black metal, death metal and, er...

0:22:430:22:48

Enya, actually.

0:22:480:22:50

LAUGHTER

0:22:500:22:52

I know you all think it's a bit of a joke. It's not a joke.

0:22:520:22:55

Most of you haven't listened to Slayer for eight hours in one day.

0:22:560:22:59

You get up to that type of nonsense, you do need something to relax in the afternoon.

0:22:590:23:03

LAUGHTER

0:23:030:23:05

I did that joke in London one night at the comedy store. This big geezer stands up and he goes,

0:23:070:23:11

"I bloody hate Enya".

0:23:110:23:13

You hate Enya?

0:23:150:23:17

That's a bit intense.

0:23:180:23:20

George Bush is alive...

0:23:240:23:27

LAUGHTER

0:23:270:23:29

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Tony Blair, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger...

0:23:310:23:36

See, these are global demons...

0:23:360:23:38

..and this is Enya.

0:23:390:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:43

APPLAUSE

0:23:430:23:46

Know what I'm talking about?

0:23:460:23:48

If you're going to hate, hate positively.

0:23:480:23:52

How can you be upset with Enya, really? It's just silence, coloured in.

0:23:530:23:58

LAUGHTER

0:23:580:23:59

That's all it is. It's like being upset with a waterfall.

0:24:010:24:04

Looking at a flower open and going, "That's disgusting".

0:24:080:24:11

Recently, we had a brilliant time. Recently, I just did a gig,

0:24:140:24:17

a comedy gig at a heavy metal festival in Derbyshire, called Bloodstock.

0:24:170:24:20

I don't even know why they bothered getting comics to do the festival.

0:24:200:24:24

Like most things, they've become corporate.

0:24:240:24:26

They stuck a theme park, like rides, within the confines of the grounds,

0:24:260:24:30

so that people would have something to do besides bands.

0:24:300:24:33

That made me think, "Why bother getting comedians?"

0:24:330:24:36

I got to tell you, there is nothing funnier than a Goth on a dodgem.

0:24:360:24:41

LAUGHTER

0:24:410:24:42

Get it?

0:24:440:24:45

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:24:450:24:48

And it got us out of London for the weekend

0:24:570:24:59

because that was the time you were having your riots, running around.

0:24:590:25:04

-Yeah. It was funny.

-LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:07

Just listening to the reporting, that's what I found funny.

0:25:070:25:10

"Look at them!

0:25:100:25:12

"Looting!

0:25:120:25:14

"Bloody looters!

0:25:140:25:16

"Running around, looting!"

0:25:160:25:19

I'm going, "Yeah? Well, you know, ever been to the British Museum?"

0:25:200:25:24

LAUGHTER

0:25:240:25:26

APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:29

"Where'd you get that Sphinx from - Norwich?"

0:25:320:25:36

LAUGHTER

0:25:360:25:37

"Is that your pyramid?" "Yeah, we found it in the Cotswolds!"

0:25:380:25:42

LAUGHTER

0:25:420:25:43

"It was under a hedge. Who'd have thought?"

0:25:430:25:46

LAUGHTER

0:25:460:25:48

You wouldn't have a museum if you didn't go looting.

0:25:480:25:51

Come to the British Museum and look at our...squirrel exhibit.

0:25:510:25:56

LAUGHTER

0:25:560:25:59

Put it in a Spitfire, make it look more interesting.

0:25:590:26:02

LAUGHTER

0:26:020:26:04

And help yourself to a Yorkshire pudding on the way out.

0:26:060:26:09

-LAUGHTER

-You know what I mean?

0:26:090:26:12

The lies we're inflicted with.

0:26:120:26:13

The War On Terror is the ultimate one.

0:26:130:26:15

How can you have a war on terror? This doesn't even make sense.

0:26:150:26:18

When's this going to end? When they've got the terror?

0:26:180:26:22

LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:24

Relax. It's all gone.

0:26:240:26:26

We're moving on to horror next.

0:26:270:26:29

LAUGHTER

0:26:290:26:31

And get those Goths out of the dodgems for starters.

0:26:310:26:34

LAUGHTER

0:26:340:26:36

This is insanity. You can't have a war on terror.

0:26:380:26:40

"Having a war on terror, are you?" "That's right."

0:26:400:26:43

"What does war create?"

0:26:430:26:44

"Er...terror."

0:26:440:26:49

"Exactly!"

0:26:490:26:51

"So you're having a war against the consequence

0:26:510:26:53

"of the actions you're involved in."

0:26:530:26:56

LAUGHTER

0:26:560:26:57

APPLAUSE

0:26:590:27:00

"Yeah."

0:27:020:27:03

"But, er...ours is good terror."

0:27:030:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:070:27:09

"It's good, peace, freedom-loving terror. You know?"

0:27:090:27:13

"Kind of like terror-light. You know?"

0:27:130:27:16

LAUGHTER

0:27:160:27:17

"Sort of a diet terror."

0:27:170:27:20

"Sort of, I Can't Believe It's Not Terror, you know?"

0:27:200:27:23

LAUGHTER

0:27:230:27:26

We deal with that, and then next, what do we deal with, while this is all happening?

0:27:280:27:32

"Oh, by the way, the planet's broken!"

0:27:320:27:36

"It's all warmed up.

0:27:360:27:39

"And, er, yeah, we have to fix it."

0:27:390:27:41

"Cos we've broken it."

0:27:410:27:43

"And, er...you know, we've done tests."

0:27:430:27:45

"Who has?" "You know, experts."

0:27:450:27:48

LAUGHTER

0:27:480:27:49

"Who are they?" "Oh, don't worry about it. They're here."

0:27:490:27:53

I don't even believe in it. People freak out. "You don't believe in it?!"

0:27:530:27:56

"I don't believe in it." "You have to believe in it. It's the law!"

0:27:560:28:00

"Well, it's not yet. I'm sure it will be. But until then, no."

0:28:000:28:03

Why should I believe in it?

0:28:030:28:05

They're dropping depleted uranium all over the Earth,

0:28:050:28:08

letting nuclear weapons off underneath the sea

0:28:080:28:11

and what are we gonna do?

0:28:110:28:12

Sit at home with a special light bulb and a shopping bag for life.

0:28:120:28:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:19

That's all you have to do.

0:28:230:28:25

And at the end of the day,

0:28:280:28:30

while all this goes on, what else is happening?

0:28:300:28:34

Well, the X Factor's on the news.

0:28:340:28:36

LAUGHTER

0:28:360:28:38

This is not normal. It's a TV show.

0:28:410:28:44

Why is it on the news?

0:28:440:28:45

LAUGHTER

0:28:450:28:47

It's not normal!

0:28:470:28:50

When I grew up, The Price Is Right wasn't on the news.

0:28:500:28:53

No, this is not news. This is rubbish.

0:28:530:28:55

And I'm here to tell you people, being English,

0:28:570:28:59

the X Factor, what have you done?

0:28:590:29:02

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

0:29:030:29:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:050:29:07

You started it.

0:29:070:29:10

You could stop it!

0:29:100:29:12

I know all countries now have got stupid shows, but you especially.

0:29:120:29:16

America are too far gone, it doesn't matter about them.

0:29:160:29:19

But you, what are you up to?

0:29:190:29:22

You can't have the X Factor.

0:29:220:29:23

You can't watch the X Factor. This is England!

0:29:230:29:26

You made Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden,

0:29:260:29:29

Venom, Motorhead,

0:29:290:29:31

Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones,

0:29:310:29:34

The Who, The Beatles, The Smiths, The Cure, The Damned,

0:29:340:29:37

The Jam, The Police, The Sex Pistols,

0:29:370:29:39

The Crush, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Jarvis Cocker,

0:29:390:29:43

David Bowie, Queen,

0:29:430:29:44

Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Supertramp, Chemical Brothers and The Prodigy.

0:29:440:29:48

And if you're watching the X Factor after a resume like that,

0:29:480:29:51

I'm just telling you, you are a bit of a bastard.

0:29:510:29:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:540:29:57

You've been glorious. I hope you had an excellent time.

0:30:030:30:06

-See you soon. Cheers.

-APPLAUSE

0:30:060:30:09

Give it up for Steve Hughes!

0:30:140:30:17

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:30:170:30:19

You've been an awesome audience. We've got one more act for you now.

0:30:230:30:27

I know you'll love him. He's one of my favourite comedians.

0:30:270:30:31

Please give a warm welcome to Russell Kane!

0:30:310:30:34

APPLAUSE

0:30:340:30:36

Hello. How you doing?

0:30:470:30:49

Give a wonderful round of applause for your host Sarah Millican.

0:30:490:30:53

I love you! CHEERING

0:30:530:30:55

Some of you are struggling to recognise me.

0:30:560:30:58

I couldn't look more different from last time.

0:30:580:31:01

So deep has the crisis in my life gone. Look at the state of me!

0:31:010:31:04

Look at me. I've gone from... My crisis is so bad,

0:31:040:31:07

I've gone for a makeover and come out the other end

0:31:070:31:10

looking like the aborted triplet of Jedward.

0:31:100:31:12

That's how serious it is. LAUGHTER

0:31:120:31:15

"Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours!"

0:31:150:31:19

Single for the first time, ladies and gentlemen.

0:31:190:31:22

Single. For the first time in my life.

0:31:220:31:24

Half the room understanding, the other half going,

0:31:240:31:26

"How can you be single for the first time now?" Self-heckle, post-modern, relax.

0:31:260:31:31

Well, because like half the room, I'm a serial monogamist.

0:31:310:31:35

Pathetically going from one long-term relationship to the other

0:31:350:31:38

without an appropriate break

0:31:380:31:40

cos I can't watch a movie on my own, I can't have a meal on my own.

0:31:400:31:43

I need a partner at all times, never having a proper break.

0:31:430:31:46

The complete opposite to you annoying, emotionally-strong people.

0:31:460:31:49

Being single was exactly what I needed. It was good for me.

0:31:490:31:52

I got hobbies, friends, I saw my family,

0:31:520:31:54

and by the end, I was ready to love again. Bleurgh! All right?

0:31:540:31:57

LAUGHTER Be weak, like normal people!

0:31:570:32:00

Look at Kerry applauding that one. LAUGHTER

0:32:000:32:03

One relationship to the other.

0:32:030:32:05

"I'll never recover! It's only been three months since Kerry."

0:32:050:32:08

"Wait! You're showing me rudimentary kindness. Let's move in together!"

0:32:080:32:12

LAUGHTER

0:32:120:32:15

No break, no gap, just going from one...

0:32:150:32:18

It's a very different business, being a single guy.

0:32:180:32:20

I am straight. I should just clarify that.

0:32:200:32:23

Some of the larger men in the room are going, "Well, he's one of them. I can't laugh.

0:32:230:32:27

"He's definitely one of them."

0:32:270:32:28

"So heterosexual, I'm a bit disabled from it, I can't move."

0:32:280:32:31

"I'm so heterosexual, my bones are going for how much I want to smash his quiff!"

0:32:310:32:37

I'm straight, unit in the front row.

0:32:370:32:39

This is heterosexual masculinity. It's fine in London.

0:32:390:32:42

I like Liza Minnelli and a vag. I like a bit of both.

0:32:420:32:45

LAUGHTER

0:32:450:32:47

Yeah. Look at the...

0:32:480:32:51

Thank you, feminism. This is what's come out the other end for men!

0:32:510:32:54

And the lies. At least women have the emotional literacy to moan about it.

0:32:540:32:59

"It's so horrible being objectified. What if I wanna be single?" Men lie.

0:32:590:33:03

Listen to the PR we put out, "What you talking about? It's great being single."

0:33:030:33:07

Thrusting while they talk. "You do what you like, whenever you like,

0:33:070:33:10

"with whichever girl, into whichever sock

0:33:100:33:12

"cos you don't get out the house cos I still love her, Gary!"

0:33:120:33:15

LAUGHTER

0:33:150:33:17

"I've been shitting in a carrier bag for a week, I'm so lonely!"

0:33:170:33:21

That's the reality of being the single guy.

0:33:240:33:27

Where's the support network?

0:33:270:33:28

If you and I were best mates, I can't turn up at your front door sobbing

0:33:280:33:32

and be assured of reassurance.

0:33:320:33:34

Girls have a much better support network.

0:33:340:33:37

If I hit a full kitchen floor reset,

0:33:370:33:39

I can't turn up at my best mate Scott...

0:33:390:33:41

I should define that term.

0:33:410:33:42

Because quite a young audience tonight, people at home.

0:33:420:33:45

A lot of people won't actually know

0:33:450:33:47

what a "kitchen floor reset" is, so I'll explain.

0:33:470:33:50

Who's aged between 17 and 21? Give me a cheer?

0:33:500:33:52

CHEERING

0:33:520:33:54

That's why. Kerry and I know, we know what a kitchen floor reset is.

0:33:540:33:57

Some of you are going, "Mum, do you remember when you used to see me cry?

0:33:570:34:01

"Not any more. I'm moving out. Here's my flat, here's my boyfriend."

0:34:010:34:04

# I'm an adult now I'm so grown up. #

0:34:040:34:07

LAUGHTER

0:34:070:34:09

In the next five to ten years, you'll have your first kitchen floor reset.

0:34:090:34:12

That's where you end up back at your mum's house on the floor like that.

0:34:120:34:16

HE SOBS

0:34:160:34:18

"I'm crying so much. Why does it hurt so much, Mum?

0:34:180:34:20

"I love him."

0:34:200:34:22

You'll see your own string of snot like that... HE SOBS

0:34:220:34:26

LAUGHTER

0:34:260:34:29

Girls can turn up no problem, with a double Elizabeth Duke of snot at the door.

0:34:290:34:33

Even if it's a reason.

0:34:330:34:35

"It's been seven years, I'm not ready to hold hands."

0:34:350:34:37

A good female friend. When my life went tits-up, Sarah was one of the people I called.

0:34:370:34:42

A good female friend is what you need.

0:34:420:34:44

Girls are much better. "Don't worry about it, tonight's not about boys.

0:34:440:34:47

"We're gonna go clubbing. If there's boys there, great, if not, who cares?

0:34:470:34:51

"Stop thinking about boys. We're gonna get drunk,

0:34:510:34:54

"have a dance. There's a boy, don't look at him! Tonight's about the girls.

0:34:540:34:58

"We'll go home, we'll make a pizza, put Bridget Jones on,

0:34:580:35:00

"you'll take my knickers off, I'll take yours off, we'll start lezzing." I'm sorry!

0:35:000:35:05

LAUGHTER Lost it.

0:35:050:35:07

APPLAUSE

0:35:070:35:08

Guys don't get trained by our dads, us heterosexual, single men, right.

0:35:100:35:14

We don't get trained about how to cope if we're single.

0:35:140:35:17

We get drenched in misogynistic, testosterone images.

0:35:170:35:20

"You must shag at all times." What if you can't?

0:35:200:35:22

What if you're emotionally incapable, if that makes sense?

0:35:220:35:27

I am straight. sometimes I look at myself and go, "WTF, but totes am, so..."

0:35:270:35:31

"Random. Why's he being so random? Say badger."

0:35:310:35:33

"Badger." "Oh, my God, he's so ground-breaking!"

0:35:330:35:36

LAUGHTER

0:35:360:35:39

Every girl, whether you were brought up by your mum,

0:35:390:35:41

your nan or an aunt, you had a female figure that always sat you down and went, "Babe?"

0:35:410:35:46

"I don't need the talk." "I want you to have fun tonight,

0:35:460:35:48

"but if at any point you change your mind, you call me,

0:35:480:35:51

"I will come out and get you in the Nissan Micra."

0:35:510:35:54

"Mum!" "Get a taxi, I will pay for it.

0:35:540:35:56

"I'll be in the cupboard, checking you're safe."

0:35:560:35:59

LAUGHTER

0:35:590:36:00

How many guys, especially if you're from my background -

0:36:000:36:03

white, working-class, shaven-headed, racist, Cockney dad.

0:36:030:36:07

My dad's got not one, not two,

0:36:070:36:08

but three ripples of meat between head and neck, yeah.

0:36:080:36:11

An Essex triple-ripple.

0:36:110:36:13

"Want me to carry a breeze block? Stick it in my triple ripple."

0:36:130:36:16

It's unthinkable that, if by some miracle,

0:36:180:36:21

I'd pulled a girl when I was 16,

0:36:210:36:23

my dad had sat me down and gone,

0:36:230:36:25

"I do want you to have fun tonight, son,

0:36:250:36:27

"but do not feel any pressure whatsoever to do anything sexual."

0:36:270:36:31

"Even though your virginity shames me on a daily basis, right."

0:36:310:36:35

"And down the pub, they call me Dave, the dad of the gayer."

0:36:380:36:42

LAUGHTER

0:36:420:36:43

That's the only thing which trumps my dad's racism,

0:36:430:36:46

is his virulent homophobia.

0:36:460:36:48

His fear that his eldest son might be gay. That's made me more camp.

0:36:480:36:52

There were streams of thin men running up to my bedroom.

0:36:520:36:54

I was into Dungeons And Dragons until I was 21.

0:36:540:36:57

"I'm gonna be a wizard tonight!"

0:36:570:36:59

He was like that downstairs, "They're up there bumming. I know they're bumming."

0:36:590:37:04

"Take it out of my son!" "What does expelliamus mean?"

0:37:040:37:07

LAUGHTER

0:37:070:37:09

The last time I did the Apollo, it was a couple of years ago.

0:37:110:37:14

It goes out... It was on TV in December and I had to face my dad that Christmas

0:37:140:37:18

having brought him to life like this on stage and I thought he was going to be angry.

0:37:180:37:23

I wasn't prepared for the softening of the Alpha's face,

0:37:230:37:27

tears glistening his silver back as he waited for me in the kitchen...

0:37:270:37:30

HE GRUNTS

0:37:300:37:32

I had to chuck a poo to show he was dominant.

0:37:350:37:37

LAUGHTER

0:37:370:37:41

This is what really happened. It was almost touching, Apollo.

0:37:410:37:44

You know what these dads are like. They suddenly show emotions once every eight Christmases,

0:37:440:37:48

they have too many Stellas and they do the wobble, like that.

0:37:480:37:51

"You're my boy, I never tell you I love you", that kind of thing. "Where's this coming from?!"

0:37:510:37:55

My dad had never said it and he's got the five-Stella wobble, the Christmas hat, he went "Come here".

0:37:550:38:00

He gets the programme name wrong all the time. "I saw you on that Live FROM The Apollo" just to wind me up.

0:38:000:38:04

"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut" - three-syllable Essex - "why d'you make ee-ah-ut...

0:38:040:38:09

Ee-ah-ut!

0:38:090:38:10

Why d'you make ee-ah-ut, right?

0:38:100:38:13

"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut I'm not a loving father?

0:38:130:38:16

I'm like, where is this coming from?

0:38:160:38:18

This is quite late in my childhood for this type of closure

0:38:180:38:21

and us men, we have to pretend we don't want it, but you do want to hear it.

0:38:210:38:24

If you're 50 and your dad's 70, you'll cry like a bitch if he uses the L word.

0:38:240:38:28

"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?" and I leant in for what I thought was going to be my closure.

0:38:280:38:32

D'you know what came out of his mouth as his masculinity kicked back in?

0:38:320:38:35

"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?

0:38:350:38:38

"I never bloody hit ya." That was it!

0:38:380:38:41

That's the total skills it takes to be Father Of The Year,

0:38:410:38:44

just don't beat your offspring in the face, that's all.

0:38:440:38:47

"I've not smashed my son's head in." Here comes Cilla with an award.

0:38:470:38:50

LAUGHTER

0:38:500:38:52

But he backed it up - it got better. "D'you know why I never hit you?"

0:38:520:38:55

"D'you know wh-uh-oo-ah?"

0:38:550:38:57

"D'you know why?"

0:38:570:38:59

And I leant in, "Why, Dad?"

0:38:590:39:01

I could've almost said DADDY, I'd regressed so much this point.

0:39:010:39:04

If you've got a dad like mine, you're eight when he looks at you.

0:39:040:39:07

You'll always be eight until he dies.

0:39:070:39:09

"D'you know why I never hit you, boy?" Why, Dad?

0:39:090:39:12

And this is what came out of his mouth - I was waiting for the love.

0:39:120:39:14

"It's cos if I'd started, I wouldn't have effin' stopped."

0:39:140:39:17

LAUGHTER

0:39:170:39:19

Murder! That's murder!

0:39:190:39:23

So one of the main problems... Is anyone else locked on this cycle

0:39:250:39:28

of get together every three years, break up, get together,

0:39:280:39:30

three years, break up, never get past three years, break up.

0:39:300:39:33

Starts to slowly dawn on you it might be you that's the nut job.

0:39:330:39:36

You'd never guess it to look at me, would you?

0:39:360:39:38

LAUGHTER

0:39:380:39:40

Maybe that's my curse. You've got to see the positive side - I'll always be meeting new people

0:39:400:39:44

and falling in love over and over again. Trouble is, as English people, it's not entirely pleasurable, is it?

0:39:440:39:49

We're not very good at it. We're not like the Americans and the French.

0:39:490:39:53

We're kind of rubbish. Especially guys - how difficult, trying to hide

0:39:530:39:56

that slightly psycho toddler temper for the first three months.

0:39:560:39:59

The first time you lose it like a nut job - "I'm nothing like your ex.

0:39:590:40:02

"I've done Buddhism in Thailand. I'm so chilled out, babe.

0:40:020:40:05

"Oh look, my car keys are missing. No reason to smash up the lounge, hah hah hah!"

0:40:050:40:10

"Oh look, a traffic jam - good! Let's play I Spy!"

0:40:100:40:14

"Let's kick the effin' sat-nav off the window, rrrr!"

0:40:140:40:18

That's what you secretly want to do. You go a few months till the first time you lose it. It's horrible.

0:40:180:40:22

That phase at the beginning where you're too shy to even poo

0:40:220:40:25

at a new girlfriend or boyfriend's house. "There's no poo in me, just Baudelaire and Beaujolais - look!"

0:40:250:40:30

LAUGHTER

0:40:300:40:31

I don't even have a bum hole - I've evolved it away.

0:40:310:40:34

There's a cubic zirconia where my rectum once was.

0:40:350:40:38

"For a QVC price..."

0:40:380:40:40

LAUGHTER

0:40:400:40:42

Do you know the moment where you've moved from love and romance into long-term love?

0:40:420:40:46

If you can pass this threshold, you are in long-term love.

0:40:460:40:50

Not many relationships can survive it and we've all been through it.

0:40:500:40:53

When your partner farts in the kitchen and you think they're speaking to you.

0:40:530:40:58

"Eh?"

0:40:580:40:59

PFT! "What was that?"

0:40:590:41:01

LAUGHTER

0:41:010:41:03

"Did you say you love me?"

0:41:030:41:05

No, I didn't.

0:41:050:41:06

I'm walking the dog! (I hate her so much.)

0:41:060:41:10

Do you know the prejudice? I'm now in one of the jobs where I'm not allowed to moan.

0:41:120:41:16

There's certain jobs you can do where you can't moan because everyone thinks your life must be brilliant.

0:41:160:41:20

It's fantastic doing this, but I'm not allowed to moan about being single.

0:41:200:41:24

I don't know if it translates at home, but in the audience,

0:41:240:41:26

you can feel the female laughter rising as the male laughter falls - they can't quite identify.

0:41:260:41:31

"What're you moaning about being single for? If I was in your position..."

0:41:310:41:35

Do girls not find it worrying that men will grit their teeth and thrust as they talk about sex?

0:41:350:41:41

What kind of Neanderthal is buried...?

0:41:410:41:43

"If I was in your position..."

0:41:430:41:45

At the bar, like that. "If I wasn't married to that...

0:41:450:41:50

"If I wasn't married to thaaaaat...

0:41:500:41:53

"I'd be..." Why're you gritting your teeth? We're talking about sex.

0:41:530:41:56

One of the most beautifully sensual...

0:41:560:41:59

"I went out on a date last night." "Did you bang her?"

0:41:590:42:03

"I'd have smashed her head in with a brick."

0:42:030:42:06

That's what my face says.

0:42:060:42:08

LAUGHTER

0:42:080:42:09

I don't want to be one of that team, girls.

0:42:090:42:11

Must be like a lesbian in a man's body or something.

0:42:110:42:14

Like you know the lowest moment?

0:42:140:42:17

I don't know if any of the people here that have been single have gone through this,

0:42:170:42:21

and it's not a male ailment. I'm not saying this to be misogynistic.

0:42:210:42:25

I'm sure girls get it. When your confidence goes so low,

0:42:250:42:28

you can only be aroused by someone with low self-esteem.

0:42:280:42:31

What a pathetic moment in a man or woman's life,

0:42:310:42:34

when the only person who can sexually arouse you has got no confidence whatsoever and they're broken.

0:42:340:42:39

You've got a funny walk, do you wanna go out for a Sloppy Giuseppe?

0:42:390:42:43

If there are any single girls with low self-esteem in The Apollo,

0:42:430:42:46

if you could just arrange yourself by the bins afterwards?

0:42:460:42:50

"I've got no confidence since I've split up with my husband.

0:42:500:42:53

"I hate the way I look." "Get in the van! You'll do, get in!"

0:42:530:42:58

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:42:580:43:01

I hope it's not too long before I'm here again.

0:43:010:43:03

I've been Russell Kane. Good night!

0:43:030:43:06

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:060:43:08

-Give it up for Russell Kane!

-APPLAUSE

0:43:130:43:16

Thank you so much for coming out and joining us on Live At The Apollo.

0:43:190:43:23

You guys have been brilliant.

0:43:230:43:25

Please give a round of applause for tonight's acts. Steve Hughes!

0:43:250:43:28

APPLAUSE

0:43:280:43:31

Russell Kane.

0:43:310:43:33

APPLAUSE

0:43:330:43:34

And I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Good night!

0:43:340:43:37

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:370:43:40

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0:43:590:44:03

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