Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely stuff! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Are you in good form?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

This is a proper gig, ladies and gentlemen,

this isn't like your TV show where we can take things again or...

If something goes weird, we've got to go with it.

This is live stand-up, this is the joy of live stand-up,

you've just got to commit to the craziness no matter what

face you see in the crowd or what weird thing gets shouted out.

It's a proper gig, it's one of the joys of doing this.

There are very few things in the arts in which

you've just got to commit to it.

In a play you've got to stick to the script,

you're in a band you've got a setlist,

if you're a comedian you've just got to change everything.

Very few things in life where

you have to just commit to it! One thing - one thing in life.

When you rent a car in a foreign country.

Where they drive on the other side of the road.

And you're fecked if you're taking any instruction from the kid

who gives you the keys,

cos he's 17 and you've been driving longer than he's been alive.

So, let's go, Mary,

the first place you're driving is a roundabout to a motorway,

and you don't even know which way round the roundabout

they drive in this country.

But you're going to go for it, so let's get into gear -

Jesus, where's the gear stick? Why's the window going down?

It's here, what's it doing here? What are you doing here? No, abort, abort!

Get off the roundabout!

Any exit, that one. Oh, Jesus, we're back at the airport, it's yer man.

Head down, head down...

LAUGHTER

But you've just got to go for it, ladies and gentlemen,

that's the joy of it.

It's a pleasure to be here with so many people from around the world.

It is all human life gathered here. Both extremes of human achievement.

Five medallists from Team GB

are in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

But also, half the cast of Made In Chelsea, so essentially...

MIXED CHEERS AND BOOS

Why, the universe is in balance here, isn't it?

I've... Listen now, I'm very proud. Well done, you guys. Congratulations.

I'm Irish, obviously, so it's kind of secondary pride

in how well you all did. Are there any Irish people in?

CHEERING Good to have a few in.

More Irish will be arriving over in the next little while.

Things a little tight for cash in Ireland at the moment.

Many Irish may be arriving on your shores.

Beware, by the way.

It's been a very IT-type economy in Ireland for the last while.

Not been a lot of building work done by these people,

but they will take the work. LAUGHTER

In fact, they will stand on your doorstep and go,

"Oh, yeah, we'll do that. No problem.

"Oh, we'll lift that and we'll move that and we'll take that over

"and we'll rise it up. No problem at all, we'll get that done for you.

"Don't you worry, we'll get that done, no problem at all.

"Google it. Google it for Jesus' sake!"

"There's bound to be a website somewhere with that information."

"Ha-ha-ha. I don't know, translate it FROM Polish."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You...

You will be crying out for the Poles in about a year's time

when you see the mess we're about to make of your houses.

Ho-ho, it's funny the first time you flush the toilets

and the lights go off, but eventually that joke wears thin, right?

In about a year's time, every DIY store in the UK,

every Wickes, every Homebase, every B&Q

is going to be rammed with Irish "builders" trying to describe tools

they vaguely remember from a generation ago.

LAUGHTER

"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"

LAUGHTER

"I have a gap and a plank and I can't quite get the plank into the gap!

"While I have you there, I have a tin of paint and a wall.

"How do I transfer the paint from the tin?

"I have tried smearing it, I have tried lifting...

"In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head. Do you have...?"

LAUGHTER

You can just dip it in and run along the wall.

Who else is here, who else is here?

Would you look at David Seaman? A pleasure to have you here, sir.

Looking fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Despite my love of Mr Seaman on a club level for many years,

may I compliment you on the tight leather jacket you're wearing

and the way you've ruffed your hair.

You've come in fancy dress

as "the male menopause". Good to have you here.

Difficult. It's difficult as a man, ageing is no picnic for us, ladies.

All we have to look forward to as we drift into our fifties is buying

a pair of leather trousers and hanging around the back

of a lap dancing club going, "Please, Aurora, this is real!"

"But, Starburst, this could work."

LAUGHTER

Starburst, by the way is a top-quality name for a lap dancer.

She did not make a penny while she was called Opal Fruits.

But the minute...

The minute she changed her name, the cash came rolling in.

That's the thing about lap dancing names, if you ever,

and I hope you never have to, but if you ever have to pick

a lap dancing name, confectionary can go either way.

"On the main stage - Candy, Candy on the main stage.

"And on the second stage - Double Decker.

LAUGHTER

"Performing for you tonight."

Rappers have the thing as well.

Cos we've got some rappers in tonight,

I know we've got Wretch Three-Two somewhere in the house.

CHEERING

Good to have you here, Wretch.

Some people, like idiots, call him Wretch Thirty-Two.

Because that's how you pronounce a three and a two

when they're next to each other.

You think you can change maths. No, you can't, Wretch.

That's the way it works, and has for thousands of years,

WRETCH THIRTY-TWO.

I've got no problem with you, Wretch, you're doing great work.

Would never publically acclaim you because

that would kill your career in a second.

Wretch, the choice of the bigger Irishman.

Nevertheless, you're doing very good work, but the names are mad.

You've got to admit, in that industry it is crazy.

It is ludicrous. They're all called Tabletop or Hedgerow.

I was on The Jonathan Ross Show during the year,

and there was a guy on called Labrinth.

You've all probably heard of Labrinth by now,

but this was his debut appearance.

So Labrinth was walking around in his pink skinny trousers

and hipster glasses, and all we heard all day was,

"Look, there's Labrinth, here comes Labrinth,

"has Labrinth done his sound check?

"My God, where's Labrinth?"

I was in make-up at one stage with Labrinth behind me, going,

"Jeez, there's Labrinth", and then they call Labrinth out,

there goes Labrinth, bye-bye, Labrinth.

All we heard was bloody Labrinth for the entire day.

And as he leaves, the make-up lady turns to me and goes,

"What a dreadful name...

"..to give a child."

APPLAUSE

Ah, no, pet, he wasn't christened Labrinth,

that's his rapper name, they all have silly rapper names.

I don't think when Plan B was born...

LAUGHTER

That his parents went, "Well, we wanted a couple more years

"travelling, but we love our Plan B, don't we?"

So, one of the things when you're touring, like a comic or whatever,

you do stories over and over again and get some audience messing around,

and you have a bit of craic with that.

Sometimes, you have to retire something. Sometimes, you've got to

knock a routine on the head because it's just... It's been won.

Some audience member has just nailed it

and nothing will ever be as perfect... I was in Killarney, right,

and I had a routine about stupid things you do on your holidays,

where I'd ask the audience,

"What's the stupidest thing you've ever done on holiday?"

This guy gave an answer that I frankly...

You know, I should've given him a diploma at the end of it,

cos it was such a sweet, beautiful, perfect...

It was lovely as a short thing. And comedians love brevity.

We love that beautiful... It's like Twitter.

I love Twitter, mainly because it's allowed up to 40,000 people

to contact me directly and tell me I look like Gru from Despicable Me.

LAUGHTER

We love a bit of brevity. So I'm chatting to this audience member...

I'll give you an example. I would ask the audience,

"What is the most stupid thing you've done on your holidays?"

Throw out the first line. Stupidest thing you've done on holiday?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Lost my passport.

-Lost passport.

Brilliant first example. Standard kind of answer. Give me another one.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Had sex with a man!

-Had sex with a man.

LAUGHTER

A surprisingly common response.

And, if you're gay, actually not that weird at all.

Lost passport, had sex with a man, give me one more for the hell of it.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Bit by a donkey.

"Bit by a donkey". LAUGHTER

That's very much the stupidest thing the donkey did,

rather than you, if the truth be told.

So, lost a passport, had sex with a man, bitten by a donkey.

It's a hell of a night out. It's a fantastic single evening.

If you could roll that into one story,

you're in the game here. That is fantastic.

They're all good answers, but they could have happened anywhere.

You could lose your passport at home, you could have sex with a man anywhere you want.

It's on your phone, Grindr, check it out, right?

You could go to Blackpool and have sex with a donk...

Oh, not have sex with a donkey!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

DON'T go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey, OK?

Of all the things... If you take anything away from tonight's show,

let it not be, "Oh, yeah, Blackpool - you can ride the donkeys."

LAUGHTER

"It's fantastic, it's out of season, not getting much work..." No, no!

You've just got to go with this stuff when it happens.

No, they're all fine things, grand things...

I walked out in Killarney and I said,

"What is the stupidest thing you've ever done on your holidays?"

And a man in the front row just raised his hand and went,

"Eh, I kicked an armadillo."

LAUGHTER

"Why did you kick an armadillo?"

"I dunno, he just walked out in front of me."

He was on a nature trek... LAUGHTER

..with a local guide sympathetically showing him the wildlife.

Literally, there's a man at the front with a tree going,

"If you look up there, you can see that's the nest.

"Let's just pull back the bush. Can you see the tracks as it walks...?"

And he's at the back, minding his own business, and an armadillo

walked out in front of him and he just panicked and went,

"Argh! Jesus!" And foomph! LAUGHTER

Hoofed it. Properly caught it with the instep.

Foomph, fam, right?

Lifted it over a tree...

..converted the armadillo, right?

Now, I have no idea what I find more delicious about the story, right?

The face of the tour guide going,

"Don't kick the wildlife!"

LAUGHTER

"Was that not obvious in the general tone of what we're doing here today?"

Or the armadillo going, "This is a bad day for me!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Apropos of nothing, stupidest thing I've ever done on my holiday,

Bondi Beach in Australia, went to visit, was looking at the lads on the surf boards going,

"Look at that. Will you look at that? Fizz, fizz, fizz, fantastic,

"would you look, that's fantastic. I can do... Look how easy...

"They're standing on the boards. This must be a doddle.

"I'm going to do this, I'm going to..." Went to the board rental area,

picked out the largest board they had, ran to the water,

with the music from Hawaii Five-0 playing in my head.

It's amazing how quickly, with the addition of water,

a surf board turns into a bar of soap. Floomph, foomp!

LAUGHTER

Gone, out of your hands.

And then there's a moment of tension.

Because when they rent you a surf board, they strap it to your leg.

So when it goes, a second later,

you go as well.

So I picked up the board, hoping nobody spotted.

I ran back into the water again, right?

Every time I tried it, foomph, there it goes, then there it goes again.

This went on for 20 minutes.

It seems like a victimless crime, but the underside of a surf board

has three bloody razor blades stuck onto it.

For no reason other than to nick across your legs and cut you!

After 20 minutes I looked like some weird emo chick.

I had all these tiny nicks and bruises and blood running on my legs,

which is a bad thing to do in the waters off Australia.

LAUGHTER

I was beginning to lure sharks INTO Bondi Beach.

Like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, one leg dangled alluringly out.

"Come on, smell this with your big nose! You know we're here", right?

At one stage, I ran to the water, mistimed it so the wave front

was about this height as I came at it, right?

When that happens - let me give you a little tip -

the most important thing is to lift the board OVER the wave.

Or to break the wave underneath with the pointy end of the board.

Don't do what I did.

Which is hold the board up FLAT towards the wave...

..in an effort to somehow deflect the Southern Ocean away from myself.

Like a table tennis player, I'd just go, "F'dunk!"

And the ocean would go, "There you go."

I managed to harness the entire gravitational pull of the moon...

..on to my own head - "Foomp, thunk. Ah, Jesus!"

"Noooo! God!"

As I'm recovering from this knock, I see a bloke, a surfer guy,

with a board under his arm, laughing at me and I'm going,

"You can't do that.

"That is bad etiquette in the surfing community, to laugh at the new guy.

"Well, screw you, I'm going to master this.

"Look at you, I'm going to master you...

"I'm going to LEAP!"

And I leapt onto the board, I went, "I've got you now!"

"Oh, Jesus! You're not as buoyant as you let on..."

LAUGHTER

And then you're just sitting in the water,

with the waves just lapping in and out...

Looking at the rest of the surfing community going, "How are you, lads?"

"Yeah, great, great day on the waves, great day on the waves.

"Couple of good breakers out there at the moment,

"might take a bit of a break myself,

"cos I'm a bit weak from the blood loss at this stage."

And I'm looking at your man, I don't want to leave the water

cos he's there and he's in tears laughing at this stage,

just this guy pointing at me and doubled over,

and I go, "I've got to walk past you."

And I pick up the board, I just walk past your man,

and I do the only thing you can do in this situation,

I just kind of go, "Uhhh", like that.

The universal kind of "Uhhh."

And I vividly to this day remember, your man just looks at me

and in the thickest accent I have ever heard in my life

just goes "Ah, Jesus, Dara -

"we Irish are shite at surfing, did you not know that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right. We, tonight, have a spectacular show,

a stellar show, a lovely show. two fabulously gifted comedians

are going to come out here and blow your socks off.

It's going to be amazing, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you in the mood to hear our first act tonight?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof

for the very beautiful, the very gifted, the very wonderful

Nina Conti.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Well, I'm a ventriloquist.

So I'm going to cut the crap and introduce you to my monkey

Come on out, Monk, we're here. 1, 2, 3, hop!

Hello!

-Hello! Come on, let's get rid of this shit.

-Yeah.

-There's no going back.

-No, there's no going back.

-So, uh...

-What's that on your face?

On my face? My microphone.

Where's mine?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You haven't got one, Monkey.

-Well, that screws up the illusion!

-So, um...

-So!

-What you gonna do?

-I dunno, do you want to tell some jokes?

Why did the monkey cross the road?

Because he saw you standing behind him, rolling up your sleeve.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

That's horrible!

I'm sorry about that.

I want freedom from you.

-Really?

-Yeah, I hate this vicarious life.

I don't even have my own problems, I have yours.

I can't sleep at night, I'm so worried about your mortgage.

-I'm sorry!

-I want freedom!

I have, of late, but wherefore I know not,

lost all my mirth.

Forgone all custom of exercise, indeed,

-it goes so heavily with my disposition...

-What's this?

I don't know, just some shit I wrote

when I was locked in a room with a typewriter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was weird! So, um...

I just, I want freedom, you know?

I want to be like you. Hoo-hoo.

And I think you need to become whole,

stop expressing yourself through a furry monkey, it's weird.

-What do you suggest?

-I suggest you let me control you.

Just follow my instructions.

-Right, so what do I do?

-Get the bag.

OK. Here it is.

-Now what?

-Get in the bag.

-In the bag?

-OK, put me in the bag.

-They'll miss you.

-It's OK, I'll still be here.

Cos she's shit without me.

-LAUGHTER

-Monkey!

What do I do now?

Put me in. Now, take your hand out of me.

-OK.

-Oh, sweet Jesus, it feels nice and nasty at the same time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-All right, my hand's out, now what do I do?

-Take your hand out the bag.

-I don't want to.

-Go on.

Force yourself.

-Don't you like me naked?

-No!

-It's very disturbing!

-But it's very deconstructive!

-But I miss the monkey.

-I am the monkey, you schizophrenic bitch.

-What do I do?

-Talk to the hand.

-I don't want to.

-Put the bag down.

I feel very exposed, I don't know...

-What are you doing?

-I can't tell my arse from your elbow.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if I can continue with this,

-it's doing my head in.

-OK, put this hand down

by your side.

But I'm still here.

Where are you now?

I'm in your mind.

All right, monkey, the laughter's got a bit uneasy.

It's OK, you'll still get paid.

LAUGHTER

-I feel vulnerable!

-Are you ready for the final step?

I'm not sure, what's the final step?

I'm going to get on your face.

OK, monkey, I don't like the sound of that.

-Stay where you are.

-Here I come!

-Here I come.

-No, stay where you are!

-Here I come, here I come, here I am!

Oh, at last, I'm in the stupid cow!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ah-ha! You'll all a bit freaked out now, aren't you?

It's quite a sweet voice on a little monkey

but with tits it's bloody sinister!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, that was Monkey!

Thank you!

Thank you.

I just wondered, would you tell me your name?

Louisa.

Would you join me on the stage, please, Louisa, for a second?

Could we give it up for Louisa?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, Louisa, come here and stand in the middle.

-Can you tell us what you do?

-I'm a projects manager.

You're a projects manager, excellent.

Would you stand on my left there?

I'm just going to give you a slight makeover, which...

It's going to take the heat off you and you don't have to worry

so much about what you say and everything, all right?

LAUGHTER

I'm just going to put this on...

OK, Louisa, how are you doing?

'Oh, I'm loving it!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-'Oh, this is magical!'

-It's magic?

'It's a magical night!'

I'm so glad, come forward a little bit.

So, um, so you...

LAUGHTER

'Ha ha! Oh, my goodness!'

-So...

-'I'm so glad I sat in the front row.'

-'I wear a jumper on all occasions.'

-You do?

'I'm the coldest-blooded person in the room!'

'Ha-ha-ha! I really am!

'Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Oh, my head!'

Is your head all right?

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, my head's fine.'

-OK...

-'I like to shrug,'

Yes, I noticed.

'It's my natural body language.

'Oh! There it goes again!

'Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'I'm just looking at my feet, making sure they're still there...'

'Yeah, I feel carried away, I feel liberated.'

-'Itchy arm.'

-Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, tell me...

'Oh, what a nightmare, but I love it.'

So, what brought you here tonight?

'Well, it wasn't actually the comedy.'

-No?

-'No, I saw a fit guy in the queue.'

Really?

'Yeah, I did, I saw one,'

That's lovely, can you see him from here?

'I couldn't get the seat next to him.'

No, but is he round about here?

'Yeah, he's somewhere here.'

Show me. Which one is he?

LAUGHTER

'I'm just looking for him, where did he go?'

Which one, do you want to point to him?

'Yeah, let's see.

Where's he gone?'

It could have been any of these guys, right?

'Yeah, well, no, it wasn't one of them.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'No, it wasn't one of them.'

-OK, was it one of these guys?

-'Yeah, it was him.'

Which one? That one?

'The green T-shirt.'

-Him?

-'Yeah, that's him.'

You found him?

'That's the one, get him up here.'

-Will you come up here?

-'Get him up here now!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-'Oh, this is exciting!'

-It's nice!

'I'm so glad I found him.'

I'm glad, too, I thought it was going to take a while.

'No, he's there.'

Thank you for joining us.

'Oh, isn't he lovely?'

LAUGHTER

What's your name?

Scott.

'Oh, fantastic.'

You like that?

'Oh, it's a dreamy name!'

-And where are you from?

-Melbourne.

-Melbourne?

'Ohh! What an oxymoron!'

LAUGHTER

It's not exactly an oxymoron.

'No, it's the first word that came into your head.'

'Get a mask on him.'

That's what I was going to do.

-'Get on with it then.'

-All right.

'I'll just entertain the audience with my shrugs.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'And my eyebrows!'

And your eyebrows, all right.

So, Scott, I'm just going to give you the same treatment.

Excuse me, this is just, er...

..the same thing.

All right, can you...?

She's doing well, come over close.

'Ha-ha-ha-ha!'

'Wow!'

'This is fantastic!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Oh, my days!'

'This is the night of my life!'

Come a little closer.

'Sorry, your arms aren't so long.'

So, erm...

-'Oh, she's lovely!'

-She is.

'Oh, thank you! I saw you in the queue.'

'I saw you in the queue and all!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'If you take your jumper off

'I'll warm you up with a nice cuddle.'

'Aw, it would be a privilege and an honour.'

Listen, guys, I feel a bit of a gooseberry,

should I leave you two?

'No, don't leave.

'I'll get tongue-tied if you leave.'

'Don't leave, not yet.'

OK, all right, but I'm glad that you like each other.

'Yes, yes, isn't that...lucky?'

'Very lucky.

'He's lovely.'

'I love project managers.

'There's nothing more exciting in my life I can think of

'than managing a project.'

'Oh, now, let me tell you,

'the laughs we have.'

OK, that's fantastic.

'This is romantic, have you got any romantic music, Nina?'

Yes, we can probably manage that.

-'Oh, that'd be good.'

-'That'd be lovely.'

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Is that good?

'Oh, magical.'

'Oooh.'

You look confused?

'I've heard it somewhere before...'

'In a dream maybe?'

So, are you going to talk to each other after the show?

-'Yes, I think we are.'

-'I think we will, yeah.

-'I'm looking forward to it.'

-Good.

'What the hell, I'm going to seize the day.'

What are you going to do?

'I'm going to get down on one knee...'

-Really?!

-'Oh, my goodness!'

'I'm going to get down on one knee now, like this,'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'I'm just going to say...'

'..I love you,

'with your hairy jumper and your silly voice...'

'..and your need to shrug.'

'Will you be my bride?'

-'Yes, I will!'

-Ohh!

that's lovely! How lovely!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you going to kiss?

-'Yes, we are!'

-You don't have to...

-'No, we want to kiss!'

-I don't want you to feel pressurised...

-'No, there's no pressure!'

-'We really want to kiss!'

-'Yes, we do!'

OK. Well, whenever you're ready,

'Here I come.'

'Here I am.

'Here I come... Mwhaaa!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done! You were both amazing.

Thank you so much

You can sit down - give them a huge round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing, thank you so much, I was Nina, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Conti, one more time for Nina Conti!

CHEERING

How great was that?

Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring on

our second act tonight. Would you please raise the roof

for the very funny Mr Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Hello! Hello!

Hellooo!

Thank you. How are you?

CHEERING

-So, do we have Scottish people in? Give me a cheer.

-Whoo!

It's not a call to arms, but thanks.

"Waah!"

"This is it! This is what we've been waiting for!

"Wait for his word! Hold, hold...

"We've got as far as London, Danny. All we needed was a leader!

"Rragh! We are few, but we are strong!"

You know, what's alarming me, from a Scottish point of view,

is the World Cup in 2022 has gone to Qatar.

That's in the Middle East, but it's a dry country,

there's no alcohol allowed in Qatar.

Knowing our luck, that'll be the one World Cup we qualify for,

the one we can't even go and enjoy.

You're not going to get any Scottish fans going to that.

Can't drink for three weeks? You'll be lucky to get 11 players!

"What, I can't drink for three weeks?

"That's my hamstring gone. Sorry about that, boys."

Can't drink? Unbelievable.

You know, if you get caught drinking in Qatar, the punishment is...

you get lashed.

LAUGHTER

Someone's going to have to explain to Scottish fans as soon as they get off the plane

there's a more literal meaning to that phrase.

Could be very confusing.

"Scotland, welcome to Qatar.

"Congratulations on qualifying...

"Surprised us all.

"But remember, if you drink here in Qatar, you will get lashed."

"Aye, you're no wrong, mate, eh?

"It's exactly the same back home, by the way.

"Don't worry about it."

"No, Scotland, I don't think you understand,

"if you drink, you will get beaten by the police."

"It's exactly the same back home, mate, exactly the same,

"don't worry about it."

You know, you can't use offensive language in Qatar in public either.

You can't swear in public.

You're at a football game, how's that going to work?

Something happens on the pitch you don't like,

"Referee!

"That's...

"That's a terrible decision.

"Yeah, you're a...you're a bad man!

"You heard. You, you could use my spectacles."

Qatar gets temperatures of up to 50 degrees in the summer.

How do you describe that kind of heat if you can't swear?

Right?

APPLAUSE

What do you do?

Walk out your front door and go, "Oh!

"Have sex with me, it's hot."

"That's fatherless child hot."

Last year I was in Australia.

-There are some Australians in, right?

-Whoo!

I was in the far northwest, a place called Karratha.

A very dry, dusty, very hot, fatherless child hot.

I checked into a motel. I was doing a big tour of mining towns.

Yeah, oh, living the dream.

I checked into a motel. A motel is like a hotel in the same way a McDonalds is like a restaurant.

LAUGHTER

Checked into this motel, it's about one o'clock in the morning,

I turn on the light, this is a true story, I turn on the light.

There's a lizard on the wall, about that size. This thing.

At first I thought it was an ornament,

but it's neck, breathing, it's, you know...

I thought well that's... I can't sleep.

With that...

So I'll just, I'll have to change rooms.

So I phoned up reception, I said,

"Hello, I've just checked in, there appears to be a small dinosaur in my room."

And this is what the guy said, he goes,

"Aw, yeah, mate, yeah, yeah, yeah, mate."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, mate, mate, yeah, that's a gecko."

And he hung up!

As if that's all I wanted to know!

I phoned back, "Hi, me again."

"It wasn't a trivia question!"

"I want to know what to do about the bloody gecko!"

He said, "Mate, you can't do nothin' about the bloody geckos, mate,

"you're bloody lucky if there's only one of them."

"They're bloody everywhere, bloody geckos, bloody, bloody lucky if there's only bloody.."

I don't bloody feel lucky, that...

So I had to ignore it, I had to try, I had to just try and sleep in this motel room.

And they've got no eyelids, these things, that's the only look they've got.

As if you've got the problem, "What is it, what you looking at?"

"What you looking at?" "You're staring at me."

"It doesn't matter where I go, pal, I'll still be staring at you."

"I've got no eyelids. None."

So I thought, right, I'll just have to try and ignore it, right.

So I get into the bed in this motel room.

That's how you get into the... Have you noticed that?

Every hotel bed in the world, why do they feel the need to tuck the sheets so tight?

Where am I going to go?

Has there been a spate of people falling out of hotel beds for years?

"We need to do something about this, make sure you're tucking it in tight. Come on, get that end there."

"Give me the stapler!" BANG, BANG, BANG.

You can't get in, I was in Birmingham last night,

I had to slide down from the back wall

to get into my own bed.

I felt like I was being faxed.

LAUGHTER

You get in you go, "I guess that's me for the night."

"Probably won't be moving much now."

"Probably won't be going what I usually do at this time of night."

"Reading my Bible."

It's weird, that. I'll tell you another thing about hotels.

Why is it, in the bathroom, you know they put a hairdryer on the wall?

You go, "That's quite handy, there's a hairdryer on the wall, ready made."

You pick it off, it comes on automatically.

It's got all the impact and power of an elderly relative breathing on your head.

HE HUMS

"Is this on?" It's on full!

"Well, this would be ideal

"if the look I was going for was hot and wet."

Phone in the toilet. No-one has a phone in their toilet at home.

Where the hell did you get that idea from?

So, anyway, sorry. So this..

Staring at me. I've got into the bed, right,

I thought, "Right, out of sight, out of mind, Danny,

"turn out the light, just ignore it." I turn out the light.

No-one told me this. That's when the bloody thing comes to life.

They don't move in the light but you turn out the light, there's...

That's it running across the wall.

I turn on the light and it's, you know...

APPLAUSE

And again, looking all innocent,

you know, "What is it? What is it? What are you looking at?"

"What do you mean, what am I looking at?

"You were there. You're now there. We both know you've moved, pal."

"You can't prove it, you can't prove anything."

"Well, just stay there, right?"

And every time, turning and it's somewhere else.

Worst night sleep I've ever had. The worst bit was when I...

I turned on the light, this is about four o'clock in the morning.

I can't see it. Can't see the bloody thing.

Where is it? I can't see it, no, right, it's gone, I think it's gone.

Wherever it is, it's gone. Get back into the bed...

I'm just about to turn out the light.

I look up. It's on the ceiling.

And this is a motel, so the ceiling's there and it's...

And I screamed, oh, I've never screamed like that before.

"Aaagh!"

It drops...

..from the ceiling onto my chest.

And it's sitting on my chest like that.

But the sheets are so tight, I can't get the thing off. So...

Do you know what I did? The weirdest defence you could possibly think of.

I started blowing on the gecko.

"Please get off me, you have no business here."

Gecko's loving it. "This is lovely, this is.

"I usually have to straddle a hairdryer for this kind of treatment."

Where's the Australians over there, where are you?

THEY CHEER

Do me a favour, tell this wonderful audience

what you call an off-licence in Australia.

Bottle-o.

Bottle-o, which is short for...

-Bottle shop.

-Bottle shop. I like the way you said "bottle-o" first.

"I'm not saying bottle shop, mate, it takes too long.

"Bottle-o, it's bottle-o. I'm not saying bottle shop!

"Who's Mr Fancy Pants with his bottle shop?"

It's bottle shop, but they shorten it to bottle-o, right?

"Bottle-o, mate, bottle-o!"

Bottle shop, they call it a bottle shop.

I'd love to have been on the committee

when you came up with that.

"Right, settle down.

"Ssh! No, listen.

"We've got a shop...

"Listen up, we've got a shop here with bottles in it, right?

"We're going to need a name.

"Any ideas? No? All right, we'll leave that one for now."

Come back after lunch. "Right, settle down, listen up,

"we've got two suggestions now for the shop with bottles.

"Listen up, settle down.

"First up...

"Shop bottle."

"John came up with that. Nice one, John, I like that.

"There's nothing wrong with that, mate.

"Shop bottle - it's got everything we need.

"I like that, mate. Give yourself one of them, mate.

"Listen up. Barry,

"he's gone with bottle shop.

"That's good too, Barry, nothing wrong with that.

"We'll have a quick show of hands, one, two, three,

"and bottle shop - five, six, right. Bottle shop it is.

"Surprises me, but there you go.

"One of those, mate. You're all right.

"Right, next we need a name

"for that great big barrier reef at the top of the country. Anyone?

"Anyone? No? All right...

APPLAUSE

"Oh, oh, and er...

"I've just been told there's already a South Wales in Britain,

"so we'll need a new name for that."

I love Australians, though, they're great people.

I heard one of the best phrases I've heard in a long time.

I was doing a gig in Perth, in Western Australia

and erm, it was very hot and I was backstage

and a guy came and said, "Can I get you anything, Danny, mate?"

I said, "Is there any air conditioning?"

"Aw, I'll go and check for you, mate."

He never came back, right?

That's not a major problem, I thought,

but I'm on my way to the stage and I saw him

and I said, "Oh, by the way, you forgot...

"what happened with the air conditioning?"

This is what he said. I hadn't heard this phrase before.

He went, "Aww,

"balls out, I totally forgot."

LAUGHTER

There's no need for that.

Your apology is fine.

But it's an Australian way of saying, "to be honest."

They say, "Balls out, mate, balls out, I'm not lying to you.

"Me balls are out, mate, I'm not lying to you,

"look, me balls are out, look at me balls, mate, me balls are out,

"I'm telling you the truth, mate!"

I wonder if that's ever been transferred to a court of law.

"Do you swear to tell the truth,

"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I think that answers your question."

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Folks, you've been lovely.

Thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Cheers.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen! Danny Bhoy!

Give it up for everyone you saw tonight -

Nina Conti, ladies and gentlemen!

Thanking you and you

and Danny Bhoy as well, ladies and gentlemen!

I've been Dara O Briain.

This is Live at the Apollo. Thank you very much.

Good night, see you again. Good night, folks.