Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight,

Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for that! Good evening.

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo, yeah!

CHEERING

Thanks for that. Beautiful. Welcome. We're here at the Hammersmith Apollo.

-Who's from London? Give me a cheer.

-CHEERING

That's good. I like London, nice place.

I was in a tube station in London, I seen a new thing they've got

called Thought For The Day,

I don't know if anybody has seen this on the whiteboards.

It says "Thought For The Day," and somebody has wrote a quote

that says, "life is nothing more than a series of hurdles.

"Treat each hurdle one by one and enjoy the journey in between."

That was the thought for the day.

Nobody's that upbeat on the tube.

I reckon we need something that reflects the climate of fear in which we live.

"Live each day as if it's your last -

"don't put more than a fiver on your Oyster card."

LAUGHTER

So, we're here. Welcome along.

-Anyway, give me a cheer if you're not from London.

-CHEERING

Where are you from? Inverness. Beautiful, nice to see you.

How are you finding it here in London, eh?

Wow - there's a car with a valid tax disc. Get a wee...

Inverness? This must be beautiful, eh?

You've got a phone signal and everything here in the beautiful capital.

We've got some special guests in.

Who have we got? We've got some of our Team GB Olympians in the room.

Where are they?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Feel that!

Feel the national pride you've instilled in the room there.

CHEERING

David Seaman's here as well. How you doing, David?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What do you think of the current set-up of the England national team?

Pretty disappointing Euros, and I was gutted for you, Euro 2012.

I bet you were(!)

I watched that quarterfinal in a pub in Glasgow,

with the rest of the Italians.

John Terry's quit, as well. Don't know how we feel about that.

CHEERING

He gets a hard time. John Terry looks like the kind of guy,

if he never made it as a footballer,

I reckon you would see him outside a pub in Tenerife going,

-MOCKNEY:

-"You guys want a free shot tonight?"

"What's the plan tonight, lads?

"Coming down The Bull's Head for a free Sambuca?"

Scottish football - don't know if you follow Scottish football, David,

we're going through an interesting time,

Scottish football, famously a two-horse race.

We've now lost a horse.

Scottish football's become showjumping.

Don't know if you followed that story about Rangers Football Club,

they went into liquidation, owed a lot of people money.

I read a full list, a Scottish newspaper printed

everybody they owed money to, and it just got surreal.

They owed a few million to the tax people,

another couple of football clubs were owed money,

then you get near the bottom.

It said £70 was owed to a local taxi company.

Yeah.

About 60 quid to a local flower shop,

about 60 to a newsagent, and then the one that made me chuckle -

it said £40 was owed to a local face-painting company.

You know when you read it a few times,

"Does that say face-painting company?"

The newspaper article never explained why,

never offered any background info.

They left that there as if that's a common modern football club expense,

£40 to a face-painting company.

The club are in financial meltdown

and there's some guy running about the boardroom,

kidding on he's a tiger.

Somebody opens the door, he's going, "Arrrgh!"

"Will you go and wash your face, you idiot?

"We're trying to fix these accounts here."

"Sorry about him, lads. 40 quid he spent on that."

"Oh, it is a cracker though, aye. Did you see his whiskers?"

We're here, it is a free show.

In these tough times, that's the never-ending news story, isn't it,

the global economic downturn.

We're in a double-dip recession. They're calling it double dip.

I don't even know what that means.

That used to be a good thing, didn't it, double dip.

Since when was that a negative?

These bankers - they've ruined Dip Dabs.

I used to think, "Oh, you got the sherbet that's orange and cherry!

"Oh, brilliant, a double dip!"

They've ruined it for us.

Europe are skint, America are skint,

I hope Africa have got some good rock bands cos we need a concert.

That's my solution - it's their round.

They can show some appeal videos about us.

This is Tom and Diane, from Basingstoke.

Everybody's going, "Oh, I hate these videos."

"They always put these videos on when you're having your tea,

"do you notice that?"

Tom and Diane, like so many others, took out a fixed-rate mortgage.

They now find themselves in negative equity.

"The world can be such a cruel place.

"And only this morning I had the cheek to complain about

"having to walk 20 miles for clean water.

"Then you see this."

"They're having to tell their kids

"it's not Disneyland this year, it's Centre Parcs."

Every time I click my fingers,

a newly married couple from Swindon

have a credit card application rejected.

The old double-dip recession - that is...

Er, anybody lost their job in the double-dip recession?

Nope?

London sailing through the recession.

-POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Unemployment, is that, er... Is that a Scottish thing?

"I mean, I do know self-employment but un... Unemployment?"

I feel for the unemployed.

It must be tough under the coalition government

and their proposals for the job crisis,

these work experience programmes, creating jobs for people,

just like normal jobs.

The only difference being you don't get paid.

You don't get any wages, but it's to boost your self-esteem.

How condescending is that?

Self-esteem - that's what people need last Friday of the month.

"Going to go and check and see if my self-esteem's in."

"Feeling a bit low, thank the Lord it's self-esteem Friday."

"Maybe I can finally pay these bills.

"Hi, is that British Gas?

"Listen, mate, I'm skint but I feel terrific."

"I'm wondering, are you prepared to accept self-esteem?"

"Maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you. How's that?"

To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said,

was the reason for these work experience programmes.

Poundstretcher - they were one of the first shops to sign up.

Working in Poundstretcher for no money - that's pretty depressing.

Working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.

What would David Cameron know about being unemployed?

He's never been unemployed.

He's never woke up at two in the afternoon.

David Cameron's never had a packet of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch

for his breakfast.

He's never known the feeling of waking up at two in the afternoon

and your only goal for the day

is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet.

You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?

"I could use the brush, but that's admitting defeat."

"I'm going to get a glass of water, I'm going to reload here."

Do you play any computer games, guys? Young guys in the front row?

-I bought COD. Anybody play that? COD.

-CHEERING

That's the biggest-selling computer game of all time. COD.

It stands for Call Of Duty, I'll explain that to anybody over 40

just in case you're confused, there.

In case you ever get invited over for a game of COD.

And you show up with the wrong shit.

Walk into your nephew's living room,

start slapping people in the face.

"Bet you never knew your uncle Eddie could play cod, lads, eh?

"After this we'll play smoked haddock.

"Same rules, different fish."

"That is disgusting, Uncle Eddie."

I played COD. Call Of Duty. It's too realistic for me.

It's a wargame, you're in a war zone,

it's all about destruction and death and conflict.

See, I'm used to the old days when you played a computer game

and your guy would die, you would just go back to the start

and try again, because it was just a computer game.

COD is too realistic.

In Call Of Duty, your guy dies, you're stunned, thinking,

"Shit, I better go and buy a poppy."

I better go and lay a wreath for this guy.

I'm stood there, people saying, "who did you know?"

"I knew a guy called Player One.

"Window cleaner came to the door, I forgot to press pause."

I moved out of my family home. I done that.

That's a pretty big move, moved out of my family home about a year ago.

Just getting used to that. Still learning life's harshest lessons.

When you live on your own for the first time you learn some pretty big life lessons.

The most recent one, Lurpak Spreadable is hard to spread.

That was pretty difficult. That caught me off guard.

I'm stood there, lunchtime,

making myself a cheese and onion crisps sandwich.

I had been nothing short of meticulous in my preparations.

I'd decided how many crisps I was going to put on the sandwich,

and how many crisps was going to keep in the packet as wee side dish.

I got my finest butter knife, commenced to spread,

within seconds it turned sinister. My wrist nearly snapped.

I better change my technique, then. Lurpak Spreadable, it says.

Must be me. Must be me. Somebody would have mentioned it. I'll go for rotations.

Bits of your worktop start to appear through the bread.

My lunchtime spent in the garden eating half a packet of crisps

and just feeding birds. "There you go."

Even the birds are saying, "What happened to that, then, mate?"

I've done a bit of travelling. I was on holiday, in Spain,

I tried to learn a bit of Spanish.

I've took up languages, I bought these disks.

You put them on an iPod, she teaches you a bit of Spanish, the voice.

I can now say things in Spanish that Spanish people can say in English.

That's the level I'm at - I've got the tourist stuff.

Everywhere you go as a tourist, people speak English,

but when you've got a Scottish accent, that's very little help.

I've been on holidays and had people translate for me into English.

You walk into a pub and say, "Are you still serving food?"

"Que?"

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"No, he asked you are you still serving food?"

"Ah, si. Si, si."

You get that shit.

I was in America, I done a gig in America, in New York,

and after the gig a guy said to me,

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Hey, hey! Hey, buddy, are you actually Scottish?"

I said, "Yes," and he said, "Man, your English is really good."

I got these disks, the best I've got -

una mesa para cuatro, por favor.

I've got tourist stuff kind of nailed, stuff you need on holiday.

That means "a table for four, please".

She says it a few times. She says...

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-"Una mesa...

"para cuatro,

"por favor."

-POSH VOICE:

-"A table for four, please."

Then she leaves a beat and goes again, in case you're a moron.

"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."

"A table for four, please."

Then she says it three and four times,

and you start drifting off and imagining

how many people have been found dead listening to these disks.

A suicide note wrote in broken Spanish...

"It all got too muchas."

"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."

"A table for..."

and that's crucial knowledge, cos I know when me and three associates,

when we walk into a restaurant in Spain,

I can tell the head waiter is looking at us and thinking,

"Well, I wonder what these guys want."

Fortunately, I'm on hand to defuse the situation.

I have been thoroughly briefed. I step forward and say,

"Una mesa...

LAUGHTER

"..para cuatro, por favor."

Then we get sat at a table for four,

the guy brings the menus in Spanish and I crumble.

Everybody else is losing their minds, going,

"What the f...? What's a hamburgeresa?"

If you go a proper holiday, next time, go to a karaoke bar.

This was my holiday highlight. Sit and patiently wait until a Scouser comes on the stage.

That's a universal must-see,

somebody from Liverpool on the mic in a karaoke bar.

Some of the finest performances you'll ever witness.

-IN LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-# Don't call me name Don't call me name

# Alejandro

# I'm not your babe I'm not your babe, Fernando

# Ale-Alejandro Ale-Alejandro

# Ale-Alejandro

# Baby, you're a firework... #

The whole pub's heading for the car park thinking the fire alarm's gone off.

What's your name? Guy in the green T-shirt?

-Scott.

-Scott. What kind of music do you like, Scott.

-Top 40.

-Top 40.

You like chart music. Modern music just sounds the same to me.

Makes me feel thick, modern chart music.

# In the club, in the club In the club. #

That's the way every song sounds to me, these days.

# Everybody gonna Shuffle on down tonight

# We're in the club In the club

# In the club, in the club In the club

# Get freaky! #

You feel it deleting cookies in your brain, the song.

# In the club, in the club In the club

# Everybody in the club

# We ain't gonna stop

# Until... It's time to Start again, in the cl...

# In the club, in the club. #

And the song finishes, and you think, "Wow. I now know less stuff.

"I've just forgot the difference between a pastoral and an arable farm."

Ladies and gentlemen,

this guy is a bit of a comedy hero on the scene,

you'll have seen him on Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

give it up for the one and only Phill Jupitus!

I won't take me coat off, I'm not stopping.

I'm Phill Jupitus. You may recognise me from every show on Dave.

Not saying I'm on TV too much, but the other day during a family argument

my daughter tried to mute me with the remote.

"Shut up, Dad."

So, um, in a bit of a weird mood, as you can probably spot.

My eldest daughter brought a boy home recently for the first time,

and I think it's quite safe to say that I reacted rather badly to this incident when it took place.

She brought the individual in question into the house

that I paid for with money I earned...

"All right, Dad? This is Billy."

Yeah? Yeah, Billy?

Right. Nice. Yeah. OK. Yeah.

Billy. Billy.

Sweetheart, go and put the kettle on, Daddy's going to talk to Billy.

She goes to the kitchen, she doesn't realise anything's wrong,

and I start reversing this little bastard around the house.

Cos when you're my size, you can reverse smaller men.

They just back off you, like that.

So eventually I get Billy into a wall. He can't go any further.

And I'm like...

Er... William.

If you...

as much...

as TOUCH her...

..I will cut you.

At which point, young Billy started crying.

But that is six-year-olds for you. APPLAUSE

Because they can't... Really... You know?

That was the joke. This is the true version of events.

How can I start this? OK. So.

The other day, my wife and I had a meeting

that I did not know was a meeting.

I got in and there was tea and there was biscuits, and I thought,

"Brilliant!" I sat down, "Ooh, Viscounts! I love them!"

Didn't even take the foil off. "Oh, these are fa..."

HE MIMICS GLUTTONOUS MUNCHING

"Love a Viscount!"

And she goes, "Yeah, we've got to have a chat about Emily."

I'm like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah. What's going on?"

"She's, er...

"She's having a sleepover on Friday."

I should have pointed out earlier that this is

just after my daughter had turned 16.

That's a very important number to bear in mind.

She said, "Yeah, Emily's having a sleepover on Friday."

I went "Oh, right, do you want me to buy pizzas?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no. Cos there's only one person coming."

"Oh, right. Shall I just buy one pizza?"

"Stop talking about pizza."

"Erm, she's having a sleepover and it's Stephen".

"What, the boyfriend?"

"Yeah".

"Well, where's he going to sleep?"

"I-In Emily's room."

"W-W-Where's SHE going to sleep?!"

"She's going to sleep in her room as well."

"What, on the floor?!"

"Tubbs, come here."

"Listen to me very carefully.

"Your 16..."

Remember that number.

"..16-year-old daughter is having a boy stay the night."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I run out into the front garden.

"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

"RARGHHHHH!"

My wife's standing there going, "I think you're overreacting."

"WHY?"

She's like, "I don't want her losing her virginity up against a skip!"

And I'm like, "It was good enough for us!"

Why do you think I keep hiring them?

She's like, "Look, remember when we were kids,

"and we used to hang out with each other and we wished that our parents

"had been cool enough to just let us do our own thing in our own way?

"Well, it's your turn to be the cool parent."

"I don't want to be the cool parent."

HE SOBS

"You've got to be."

"I know I've got to be but I don't want to be."

And so that Friday,

that was it.

Stephen arrives.

HE MIMICS DOORBELL

He's a lovely kid. I've known Stephen since he was eight.

Wonderful little boy.

Not any more.

Now he is my nemesis.

He comes in and I'm sat in the kitchen. "All right, Phill?"

"All right?

"I don't know, Stephen. Am I?"

"All right, I'll see you later."

And he goes off and they have an evening like every other

they've ever had - they play games, they lark about.

Watch telly. And I'm sitting there in my own house.

"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it,

"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it."

Cos I don't want to be complicit in it,

I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have agreed to it,

I don't want to be in the room when they go,

"All right, we're going to bed now. Good night."

I can't be in the room when that happens,

so I go to bed earlier than normal,

20 past six, the sun is still out.

Ice-cream vans going down the street.

Children playing football in the fields,

the dog at the bottom of the bed, lead in his mouth,

as I lay bolt-upright on top of the duvet in my pyjamas.

"Not now, Chester. Daddy's sad."

And at about half eleven, I hear them come up the stairs.

MIMICS DAUGHTER AND STEPHEN GIGGLING

MUFFLED GIGGLING

For about...ten minutes, and then...

..complete...and utter...silence.

Madam, there is nothing in the entire world that is quieter...

..than a 16-year-old girl shagging...

..when her dad's next door.

In 1974, the American defence department developed the X-Wing bomber,

the Stealth Bomber, which to this day I believe

was powered by the daughter of the pilot

being in a small cabin in the cockpit.

And they are silent..

..FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS!

I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS

SINCE THE MINERS' STRIKE!

I'm going to be honest with you, the sound of Arthur Scargill's voice

gives me a bit of a twitch to this day.

"It has come to my attention the members of the National..." There, I felt it. I felt it.

And that is not the bad bit. The bad bit...

..happens two weeks later. I get in from a gig.

I'm a creature of habit, I get in from a gig,

I've been driving, normally, for a while, I have a beer...

I just watch telly, I zone out, have a beer, go to bed.

So I get in, it's about midnight, I open the fridge,

and there, on the middle shelf of the fridge,

are six cans of generic, supermarket lager, I think from Lidl.

It's called Festenbrow,

which is spelt F-E-S-T-E-N-

B-R-O-W.

The umlaut...is over the F.

The mascot is a monkey in a bowler hat playing a banjo.

It's dog lager is what it is. It's dog lager.

And I'm looking at it...

..and the missus is still up.

I go, "Babe?

"What... What is this crap doing in the fridge?"

"I'm on telly."

And she goes, "It's Stephen's."

HE BARKS

"Yes, as Stephen's spending so much time over here,

"he thought it would be wrong of him to drink your beer,

"so he bought his own and left it in the fridge."

Right, right, right. I've got it, I've got it,

because it's wrong...

..to drink my BEER in my house?

Yeah. Cos I imagine

that hanging out the back of my first-born is thirsty work.

You get parched. You get a bit thirsty. You think,

"Ooh, a little something tasty would be nice now,

"as I leave his daughter like some kind of slutty starfish,

"on the bed spread-eagled.

"I make my way downstairs,

"pausing only to wipe my cock on his curtains."

And THAT is why I'm in a funny mood.

Thanks very much. Ta-ra, cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready to crack on with your second act of the evening?

CHEERING

I'm excited to see her myself. It's her Live At The Apollo debut.

She's fantastic. Let's make some noise, give it up for

the wonderful Sara Pascoe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, good evening. Are you having a good time?

Yeah!

I am absolutely so thrilled to be here. This is so exciting for me,

and I love it that there's actual celebrities in the audience.

I think that's brilliant.

But if you are sitting next to one of them, I have to warn you.

You do know the rules about having sex with famous people?

The rule is...just don't have sex with famous people.

Never have sex with a famous person.

Or, no, this is the rule -

you should only have sex with a famous person

if you really, really, genuinely,

want to tell people about it afterwards.

Otherwise, there's nothing in it for you.

Like, I don't know if you've ever kissed anyone that

you've been in love or lust with for months and years,

and when you finally kiss them,

and all you want to do is concentrate on it

and live in that moment,

and the way that they're touching you and the way that they smell,

and instead you've got this inner monologue, like this voice,

shouting inside your head,

"Oh, my God!

"I'm kissing Mr Humphries!"

Also, I think it's very difficult to tell the difference between

when someone is in love with you, which is like...

..and when someone is not listening.

How am I supposed to decide who to go to bed with?

I do need to start being more selective.

Currently, all of my lovers have exactly the same thing in common -

they're all slightly more attractive than a night bus.

That's not fussy enough, is it?

The thing is, I'm not even very good at casual sex, right?

I don't know if any of you are the same.

Whenever I sleep with someone I'm not in a relationship with,

I get this really odd...

It's kind of like a guilty feeling in my tummy,

and it doesn't go away,

even when I leave their house and go back to my boyfriend's.

Got to stick at it, I guess, keep on trying.

The thing is, I just always want what I can't have.

I have no interest in charity fundraisers in the street, right,

unless they're talking to somebody else,

in which case I will queue.

Are you looking forward to Christmas?

-SCATTERED CHEERS

-Sort of.

It's a very weird, creepy time for a vegetarian, right.

Who is it who puts those little bits of bacon around the tiny sausages?

Who is doing that?

Cos I'm worried it's the pigs trying to put themselves back together.

Yeah, so, I had to go to two secondary schools

because I'm an overachiever,

and also because I was quite badly bullied at the first one.

Some of the other children didn't enjoy my assembly

on the evils of factory farming, so they got together after school

and they force-fed me a beefburger.

Yeah. Horrific, right?

The first time I ever talked about this was on stage.

Because I'm well adjusted.

It was at a new material night, and there was a girl at the front,

her name was Rosie and she was an artist.

And I knew that because she'd already been gobbing off so much to all of the comedians, right?

And actually, she'd come there with another comic whose name is Chris Johnson,

and you'll not have heard of him because he is not successful. OK?

So, she came there with him,

and when I said this thing about the beefburger, she pipes up.

"Did it go up your nose?" I said, "No." She went,

"Oh, cos it happened to me once." I was like, "Oh, right. Were you getting bullied?"

And she went, "No, I was just eating a burger."

I said, "Oh, right. Maybe you should write jokes about your life then,

"it sounds hilarious." And then she went, "Um, I already have.

"And they're a lot better than yours, more happens."

So I was like, "Well, Rosie, if only interrupting was an artform,

"you'd win the Turner Prize.

"Also, talking of beefburgers, you're a bit of a cow."

Just came up with it on the spot.

Three days later, in my bathroom.

There's nothing I can do with that

unless the exact same situation occurs one day,

or if I do manage to go back in time.

Have you seen this advert?

This is the worst ad I've ever seen.

I saw it in a women's magazine, but I can't remember which one,

cos they've all got different names, haven't they,

like Look, New!, Hello!, OK!, Heat,

but I just think they should all change their name to

Women Getting Dressed.

Cos that's all that was in it.

Oh, look - Victoria Beckham got dressed.

Katie Holmes got dressed in blue.

Michelle Obama got dressed. How does she find the time?

We're an intelligent society.

Everyone knows now that these magazines

are just negative propaganda towards women, aren't they?

I read this thing from cover to cover, and every article,

everything it was saying, could be condensed down into one short quiz,

which is basically,

"Ladies, what do you hate most about yourself?

"Is it A - your face?

"Or is it B - your body?

"Answers to the quiz. Mostly As -

"Buy expensive make-up to cover it up

"and expensive clothes to distract people.

"Mostly Bs - starve yourself and go to the gym.

"While you're there, look in one of those big mirrors.

"Are you sure you don't hate your face?"

So, we know the horrific things,

but this advert was even worse than usual.

It was for an anti-wrinkle cream that's aimed at women from 25 to 35.

So I'm already furious.

And then they called themselves a "pre-anti-wrinkle cream,"

which is nonsense,

and then the advert had been Photoshopped,

so it had the same model on both sides, and it said,

"your future self is giving you a high-five."

I've never felt so patronised in my life.

If I happen to be the first person that invents and uses time travel,

and I get to go back and speak to a former self, a younger me,

I'm not going to be giving her skin care tips, am I?

But a long list of men I shouldn't have slept with.

Yeah, he doesn't end up being nice when you get to know him.

He's already slept with your sister, no-one told you.

And these ones are comedians.

This is good advice, you can listen in to this.

Don't sleep with a comedian.

I'm talking about the boy ones, by the way.

The girl ones are a lot of fun.

Just the boy ones. I tell you what,

it's the kind of job you get into if you're

compensating for something,

so the nice ones have got very small penises,

and the ones with big penises are psychopaths.

We get patronised all the time.

I noticed the other day in the supermarket

they've started labelling food "real."

As an adjective.

Like "real potato chips", "real dairy ice cream", "real lemonade."

I have never got back from Waitrose and had to go...

SHE SIGHS

I've bought fictional bread again.

These choc-ices are illusory.

Someone's made up these lemons.

Doesn't happen. But it's that thing they do, like in Pret a Manger

when they write on all of their stuff, "contains no unnecessary preservatives."

That's an empty sentence.

So, it contains preservatives, but no unnecessary ones.

The insinuation is that Greggs down the road

are wasting time and money having their sandwiches embalmed.

And it's horrible when a sentence niggles at you when people say it,

like when people go, "I'm against organised religion."

Like it's not the homophobia that's the problem,

but the excellent admin.

And I hate the phrase "committed vegetarian."

"Oh, yeah, she's a committed vegetarian."

Cos it insinuates that there are adulterous vegetarians

that go round the place getting off with sausages behind carrot's back.

Kevin was talking about the double-dip recession.

I have, I think, solved the economic crisis.

I mean, I'm not bragging but I think I've worked it out, right?

So, basically, debt, as I understand it,

is caused by people borrowing more than they can afford to pay back,

and they spend it on things they don't need,

like clothes and shoes and nuclear weapons.

But when you think about it, some people don't get into debt -

children.

Do they?

Small, smug, in the black, children.

So all we need to do is

make chip and pin machines a bit more like parents,

and then we don't have a problem.

Because you'd go into the shop, you'd pick something out,

put in your card and your number and it would say,

"You've already got a coat."

And you'd have to go and put it back.

So you'd pick something else out, put in your card and your number,

and it would say,

"Sensible black ones, please, so you can wear them to school."

So you'd have to put 'em back, so you pick something else out,

put in your card and your number and it would say,

"OK, you can have nuclear weapons,

"but you've got to share them with your sister."

No.

Then we would have to put 'em back.

Because our sister is France.

She's the one we want to use them on.

Being poor has not stopped people shopping.

I know that because I live in Tooting,

where people have not let being very deprived stop them

from dressing badly in a different way every day.

There is a fashion trend in my area

where women wear T-shirts with more attractive women on them.

Yeah, so there'll be acne-ridden schoolgirls

emblazoned with Debbie Harry, in her heyday,

very big women with Kate Moss riding around on their pendulous breasts,

very old women, the kind that have been betrayed twice by their follicles,

wearing both five o'clock shadow and a wig,

and they'll have Rihanna grinding down on them inappropriately.

When I first noticed this, I thought,

"These women cannot be well served by the comparison."

Like, if a gentleman was like, "Oh, hello... Urgh!"

But then I remembered that men are stupid

and, actually, they will find anything alluring

if you put a sexy woman on it.

That's the basis of all advertising ever.

Like, these T-shirts are probably tricking men into having threesomes.

"Oh, yeah, it was a great night, last night.

"It was me, pop star Rihanna,

"and a really old lady who was bald with a beard."

The facial hair thing terrifies me.

I'm setting up a charity,

which is going to be where young women go into hospitals

and pluck the faces of old women for them.

It's going to be called Dignitache.

Probably about now it is time that I started talking about football.

Because I'm a feminist I quite often have to talk to men

about football to trick them into thinking I am their equal.

And we have footballers in, and so this is exciting that

I get to tell you about this, because basically

I've watched it, it's great,

but I think the game could be livened up a bit.

For instance, when someone gets a free kick,

they shouldn't have to use that on the ball.

They could use it on any of the other players or the ref.

And when there's a substitution,

it should be like online grocery shopping.

"Yeah, you asked for Theo Walcott,

"but, well, we couldn't find him,

"so we've sent you retired cricketer, Ian Botham! There you go."

And when there's a penalty, I think the players should actually be penalised

and forced to do something they don't want to,

like be faithful to their partners.

And I talk to boys about this all the time,

and as yet none of my ideas have been implemented in the game,

and that's because when women talk about sport, men do this face.

They fall in love with us!

This has been an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me. My name is Sara, good night!

-Thank you very much, thank you!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.

-Give it up for Sara Pascoe!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And give it up for Phill Jupitus!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Kevin Bridges, cheers for watching, good night,

-see you again sometime, cheers!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE