Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hello!

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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What a treat, what a treat to be here.

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Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight,

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before we get going properly.

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Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants

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totally snapped.

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This is genuinely true. I haven't bought replacements,

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so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt.

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Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down.

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So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going

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to have some sort of horrific testicular cummerbund,

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I would imagine, just floating about.

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You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans

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but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress.

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Let me tell you the worst thing about being

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a fat, middle-aged comedian, cos I am,

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let's not, let's not mess around.

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I'm... Look at, look at what I've done to myself.

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I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous,

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and you know the worst thing about that?

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It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people.

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So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people,

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and you feel like a fraud when you look like this,

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which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight...

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..and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers.

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Who's over 40 here?

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FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS

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Listen to the misery in those cheers.

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Who's under 25?

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LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS

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Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up!

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There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness.

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You don't know what's coming, you people.

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You don't know what's...

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You know what happened to me backstage?

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This isn't my original outfit. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt

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and the producer asked me to change...

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..because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw.

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That's a quote.

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It's true!

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My body is... It's disgusting!

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I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago,

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before I came here, I stood in front of the...

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And don't "woo" that, for God's sake.

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I looked at myself naked in a mirror

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and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself,

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"You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved

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"by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham."

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Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled.

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It's disgusting.

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I wasn't going to tell you this. I'll tell you this.

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Do you know what happened to me the other day? Get this. This is true.

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I broke my toilet...

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Guess how? I'll tell you.

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I just sat on it.

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It's ruined. It's come totally away from the wall. I just sat on it.

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I was halfway through a poo, right?

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So I had to do this waddle of shame through the flat

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to the guest toilet.

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I sat on that, and I swear to God, that broke too.

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I broke two toilets with one shit.

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And don't put that in the internet. You've got to be very careful.

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It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things...

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I'm an amazing lover.

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I am!

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I don't mean... Let me qualify that.

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What I mean is, I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you,

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and through all those sexual exploits of mine,

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I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked,

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in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right?

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So, slowly, over a period of many years,

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I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves.

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I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you,

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and I'm sure you'd go crazy.

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Here's the irony. Ready?

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I'm 44 years of age now,

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and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered.

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It's a crime!

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There's only one way

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all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used,

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and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here,

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if you invite me round to your house,

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and I talk you both through it...

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..like some awful, sexual puppeteer.

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What I love about the male brain is, hope springs eternal.

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I thought this the other day. I was walking down the street.

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Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like,

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I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me

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and there'll be part of my brain that goes...

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"..Maybe she likes ham."

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And I saw the most amazing example of this.

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I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him.

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He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself -

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he's finished, he's knackered, right.

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He's exhausted, he can't walk,

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he has a little blanket over his knees

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and I went to see him, he was sitting there,

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and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?"

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He goes, "I'm finished. I hate it, I'm so unhappy,"

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and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."

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He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love."

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A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right.

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This is what he did. I promise you, he did this.

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"Well, hello there."

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As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking,

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"Do you know what I fancy today?

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"I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup."

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It's awful. It's awful, just being washed up.

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And there's Olympians in tonight, I know that. There's proper Olympians.

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Proper fit athletes.

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WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS

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Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight -

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er, Harriet Mills,

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and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors. Where are you, guys?

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Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes.

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And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport.

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Really? Really, right.

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But I loved it. I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing,

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and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed.

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I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving,

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I didn't know that existed.

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I spent a whole day watching dressage!

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Have you seen dressage?

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Guys, it's dancing horses!

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Who'd have thought?!

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They dance to music, they do this!

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I didn't even think that was allowed.

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Someone told me you can lead a horse to water,

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but you can't make it drink, yeah?

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Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental.

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What are we going to have in Rio in four years?

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I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits.

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He hates it.

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I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!"

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I met the most amazing man the other day.

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He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how

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strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger.

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He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down,

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I was in a perfectly good mood at the time

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and he turned out to be a proper...

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"You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!" Right?

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..proper Cockney.

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I was in a perfectly good mood. I flagged him down,

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he wound his window down and he said something to me.

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Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you,

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cos I was perfectly happy.

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He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?"

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LAUGHTER

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I was furious!

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I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth,

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and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met.

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Who have you ever met that does this?

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He listed the contents of shops on our route

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that no longer existed, right.

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He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house.

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"It was lovely. You could get your fillets, your T-bones,

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"your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer."

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And I went, "Oh, that is a shame." He goes, "Yeah.

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"There's old Terry's hardware shop there.

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"Used to be able to get your nuts,

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"your bolts, your hammers, your ladders,

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"your hi-vis jackets. Now that's all gone.

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"There's the barber's. Haircuts."

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And I thought, "Insane. This man's insane,"

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and I was still fuming over the Big Bird comment,

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and I was waiting for a chance to get him back.

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I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed

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in the East End of London. It was a pie and mash shop.

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He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there."

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And I went, "Right."

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He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies.

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"I went in there the other day

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"and I tried to get the recipe for their pies."

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I said, "Oh, really?"

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He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver,

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"I'm also a successful restaurateur."

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Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie.

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And I went, "Did you get the recipe?"

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He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me.

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"They said it was a family secret."

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I said, "That's a shame."

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He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies,"

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and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard.

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Try and get your heads round this.

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He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because

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"it's not just pie they put in those, you know."

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I went, "I'm sorry, mate?"

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He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those."

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I went, "What, in pies?"

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He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate."

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He went, "What?!"

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I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together.

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"It's not an ingredient."

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He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie."

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I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows

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"are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they?"

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He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you."

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"Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver. Today, I'll be making a lasagne.

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"I'll just get the ingredients...

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"A lasagne!"

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He goes, "Oh, yeah. Very clever, son,

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"but a lasagne is not a pie."

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I said, "It may as well be, using your system.

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"What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"

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He goes, "I'll change the tyre."

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I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi,

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"so you must throw taxi away."

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He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about."

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I said, "Do you honestly not? All right, I'll help you."

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He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me."

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I said, "All right, we'll do a role play."

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He went, "OK, let's do a role play."

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This happened, right.

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I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner." He goes, "OK."

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I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake."

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He said, "I'll have a cake, please."

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I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy."

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He went, "Fine." I went, "Right, let's go."

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This happened.

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He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir."

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He went, "Good morning."

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I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please."

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I said, "Certainly, sir. Which cake would you like?"

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Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went,

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"I'll have that one there."

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Amazing, right?

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He did!

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And that's where I pulled out my ace card.

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I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise."

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He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts."

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I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy?

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"I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I?

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"No, you're absolutely fine, sir.

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"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!"

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He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right."

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I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake,

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"so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die."

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He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day,

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"a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie,

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"a taxi is not a pie."

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I said, "There's no such thing as pie!

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"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing.

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He said, "What's the other thing?"

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I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Don't mess with me, taxi drivers!

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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud

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to be presenting this wonderful show tonight.

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Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love.

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Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely,

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I'll turn up an invisible volume switch,

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you go crazy, I'll bring him on.

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His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden,

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you'll have a brilliant time in his company.

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Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me...

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APPLAUSE

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..turn the volume up.

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Turn it up one more.

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One more!

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Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden!

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Thank you very much.

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Can I say, I'm genuinely...

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I'm really excited to just be out on the town. I am.

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No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously.

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I find the streets quite, quite stressful. Erm...

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LAUGHTER

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Don't you find that people do that in London?

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People walk the street, they're very defensive.

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Everyone's got that kind of...don't mess with me look, you know?

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Even old people are like...

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"I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja. Just try it!"

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Sometimes, people are frightened of me.

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This is absolutely true. I've been walking home late at night,

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there's a woman, by herself in front of me,

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she does that little half-turn,

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and I can tell she thinks I'm following her.

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I speed up to try and overtake.

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She speeds up.

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I can't slow down

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cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me.

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There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!"

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I am, I'm feeling old,

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I had a horrible old man thought the other day.

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I was talking to a girl in her early 20s,

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I wasn't going to do anything because I am married.

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I'm married to a woman. I know what you were thinking. Shut up.

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Honestly, it's just a stage persona.

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You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy.

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On stage...

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, I was saying... I was talking to this girl,

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I was talking to this girl in her early 20s,

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I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible.

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I'm chatting away and it just popped in there.

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I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger."

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I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding?

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"I was never good with women. What am I talking about?!"

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That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger,

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"I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would.

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"And do absolutely nothing about it."

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I was rubbish. I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young.

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You young people, just enjoy this time. Who is young here?

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You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to...

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Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK.

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Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment?

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You're really not sure?

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This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly.

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Enjoy this time.

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I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class.

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He said, "Do you know what, boys?"

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We were 17. He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time.

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"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be.

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"Get as fit as you can,

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"you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again."

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And I remember thinking at the time,

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"I don't think he should be in the shower with us,"

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but it was a bloody good speech.

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LAUGHTER

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But I looked great then,

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and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight.

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I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this,

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I've got a problem with eating. I'm addicted to eating.

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It's worse than being a heroin addict,

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because at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know...

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I'm possessed when I eat, honestly.

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I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted.

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And I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that.

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CHEERING

0:18:130:18:14

But they always interrupt you, all through the meal,

0:18:140:18:17

"Is everything OK with your meal?"

0:18:170:18:18

(SCOFFING FOOD NOISES) Leave me alone!

0:18:180:18:23

I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it.

0:18:290:18:34

I'd be rubbish on MasterChef.

0:18:340:18:36

On MasterChef, you've always got someone going,

0:18:360:18:38

"Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion

0:18:380:18:41

"of different flavours, yeah. Mm.

0:18:410:18:43

"I can really taste the coconut coming through now.

0:18:430:18:47

"Hal, what do you think?"

0:18:470:18:49

SCOFFING NOISES

0:18:490:18:50

"I JUST FEEL HAPPIER!"

0:18:590:19:01

We are falling apart socially, aren't we?

0:19:110:19:13

We have got riots, we've got strikes,

0:19:130:19:15

we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting.

0:19:150:19:18

We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed.

0:19:180:19:22

Only Germany's OK, aren't they?

0:19:220:19:23

Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro

0:19:230:19:27

and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series,

0:19:270:19:32

saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership.

0:19:320:19:35

"You won't like us when we show strong leadership."

0:19:390:19:42

Germany's at the top, of course. Greece is at the bottom.

0:19:490:19:52

Greece is the worst. Any Greeks here?

0:19:520:19:54

FEW SHOUTS

0:19:540:19:56

Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short.

0:19:560:19:59

They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece.

0:19:590:20:03

What we really want to know about Greece is,

0:20:030:20:05

does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive

0:20:050:20:08

to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it?

0:20:080:20:12

That's all we want. What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu?

0:20:130:20:17

The British people deserve an answer!

0:20:170:20:20

We're always being told what the British people deserve.

0:20:230:20:25

My friends' Facebook pages

0:20:250:20:26

are just them moaning about life and what they deserve.

0:20:260:20:29

Their Facebook status - "Mad day. Got up, got the kids to school,

0:20:290:20:32

"did the washing, did the shopping, went to work, picked the kids up,

0:20:320:20:35

"did the dinner, sitting on the couch drinking red wine. I deserve this."

0:20:350:20:38

And I always think, "No, you don't, actually."

0:20:400:20:43

If you live OK in Britain,

0:20:430:20:44

you live one of the most privileged lives in the world.

0:20:440:20:48

The people who deserve a good old moan on Facebook

0:20:480:20:51

are people trying to bring up families

0:20:510:20:53

in war-torn, sub-Saharan Africa. They deserve Facebook, don't they?

0:20:530:20:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:570:20:58

"Mad day. Had to walk ten miles to fetch clean water.

0:21:000:21:03

"Got turned back by the militia. Lost a child to malaria on the way home.

0:21:030:21:07

"Sitting in my tent, drinking rainwater. I deserve this."

0:21:070:21:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:110:21:14

And then you get the needy Facebook status, the cry-for-help one.

0:21:190:21:22

I've got friends who literally have said "I feel like crying..."

0:21:220:21:26

And everyone piles in - "What do you mean? You're a lovely person."

0:21:280:21:31

And this friend of mine literally wrote, "I just feel so sad today."

0:21:340:21:38

In the Middle East, people are writing things on Facebook like,

0:21:400:21:43

"I feel like crying."

0:21:430:21:44

"What's wrong?" "I've just been tear-gassed." Proper shit, yes?

0:21:440:21:48

People are tweeting, "I've just been shot!" Sad face.

0:21:500:21:55

ROFD - that means rolling on the floor, dying. Proper stuff.

0:21:550:21:59

We use Facebook and Twitter for rubbish.

0:22:040:22:07

Have you ever seen those sanctimonious little poems

0:22:070:22:09

and quotes people put on Facebook to make you feel better about life?

0:22:090:22:12

They drive me mad. I've got one here. I've got two I printed out.

0:22:120:22:17

This first one is always put on by women, by the way.

0:22:170:22:20

I'm not being sexist, because I was sort of raised by women.

0:22:200:22:24

Can you tell?

0:22:240:22:25

I never had that older brother figure who beat me up,

0:22:270:22:30

I had two older sisters who...

0:22:300:22:32

who dressed me up.

0:22:320:22:35

I was raised by women. Sounds like I was raised by wolves, doesn't it?

0:22:380:22:41

I was found running with a wild hen night in Newcastle.

0:22:410:22:44

But this first quote is always put on by women.

0:22:490:22:51

You will recognise it, some of you.

0:22:510:22:53

"Friends are angels,

0:22:530:22:56

"who lift us to our feet

0:22:560:22:58

"when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

0:22:580:23:01

You know what, us men, we may be emotionally constipated...

0:23:050:23:09

but I'm damn proud we don't put shit like that on Facebook.

0:23:090:23:12

This second quote is put on by everybody. This is a long one.

0:23:200:23:22

Lots of you will recognise this one. I've had this one about four times.

0:23:220:23:26

"Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly.

0:23:260:23:30

"Love truly, laugh uncontrollably,

0:23:300:23:32

"and never regret anything that made you smile.

0:23:320:23:35

"20 years from now, you'll be more disappointed

0:23:350:23:37

"by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.

0:23:370:23:40

"So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour,

0:23:400:23:42

"catch the trade winds in your sails, explore, dream, discover."

0:23:420:23:46

You know what?

0:23:460:23:47

I've got a mortgage to pay, bills to deal with, kids to bring up.

0:23:470:23:50

I don't have time for this crap on my Facebook page.

0:23:500:23:53

APPLAUSE

0:23:530:23:56

Let's look at it in detail. "Life is short" - no, it's not.

0:24:010:24:04

Compared to most animals, we live a bloody long time.

0:24:070:24:10

Do you know how hard it would be

0:24:110:24:13

to train a dog if they ever realised how short their life was?

0:24:130:24:16

Because they'd go, "Why should I fetch the stick? What's the point?

0:24:180:24:21

"I've only got 13 years."

0:24:210:24:22

They'd be off to travel the world and have adventures.

0:24:220:24:24

Flies, buzzing about, going, "20 days. 20 bloody days.

0:24:260:24:29

"Even shit tastes good to us."

0:24:290:24:31

The mayfly lives for one day. One day.

0:24:340:24:38

Do you think other animals are really nice to the mayfly?

0:24:380:24:41

"Who are you?" "I'm a mayfly."

0:24:410:24:43

"I think you're really brave."

0:24:440:24:47

Do you think they're all raising money

0:24:500:24:52

to send them to Disneyland by 6pm?

0:24:520:24:54

Do you think that's what's going on?

0:24:540:24:56

So "life is short" - no, it's not, it's bloody long. Second one.

0:25:000:25:03

"Break the rules". I hate people who say "break the rules". I hate you.

0:25:030:25:06

Rules are really, really important. What do you mean?

0:25:080:25:11

What, drive the wrong way up the M1? What do you mean?

0:25:110:25:15

Serial killers break the rules, don't they?

0:25:150:25:18

"He's killed ten,

0:25:180:25:19

"but he's really sticking it to the man." It's rubbish.

0:25:190:25:23

"Kiss slowly". Kiss slowly, yeah?

0:25:230:25:26

What about your gran?

0:25:300:25:31

It's just rubbish. We love this sanctimonious stuff. It's rubbish.

0:25:390:25:42

It's like, the nation's favourite poem is If, by Rudyard Kipling.

0:25:420:25:45

It's the one that says do all these things

0:25:450:25:47

"..and yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

0:25:470:25:49

"and what's more, you'll be a man, my son,"

0:25:490:25:52

and men go "great poem", and a tear down their face.

0:25:520:25:54

It's rubbish.

0:25:540:25:56

It's got a middle section that says

0:25:570:25:59

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings,

0:25:590:26:01

"and risk it in one turn of pitch and toss, and lose

0:26:010:26:04

"and start again from your beginnings

0:26:040:26:07

"and never breathe a word about your loss..."

0:26:070:26:09

To me, that means you've got a serious gambling problem...

0:26:090:26:12

..that you're hiding from your family. That's what that means.

0:26:140:26:18

The first line, the famous first line -

0:26:190:26:21

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs

0:26:210:26:25

"and blaming it on you..."

0:26:250:26:26

If you can keep your head

0:26:260:26:27

when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

0:26:270:26:31

I suggest you've misunderstood

0:26:310:26:32

the seriousness of the situation that you're in.

0:26:320:26:35

I think you're the twat driving the wrong way up the M1.

0:26:370:26:40

People in the back are going, "We're going to die!" "I'm keeping my head."

0:26:400:26:44

I just don't believe in quotes or poems to sum life up.

0:26:460:26:50

If my kids ask my advice, I keep it short and honest.

0:26:500:26:53

They say to me things like, "Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?"

0:26:530:26:57

And I say, "Disappointed."

0:26:590:27:01

You've been a delight. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much.

0:27:060:27:10

I'm Hal Cruttenden. Thank you!

0:27:100:27:11

Mr Hal Cruttenden!

0:27:190:27:21

Funny man.

0:27:210:27:23

I tried to address this recently. Do you want to know what I did?

0:27:270:27:31

I went to Argos. I bought myself some weights. £29.99, they were.

0:27:310:27:38

I carried those weights from Argos to the boot of my car.

0:27:380:27:43

They are still in the boot of my car.

0:27:430:27:45

I will never use them. It was agony.

0:27:450:27:49

They were only in a little pack like this.

0:27:490:27:51

The only good thing that came out of the whole thing, right,

0:27:510:27:54

and if anything, I'll tell you this,

0:27:540:27:56

it's terribly affected the fuel economy of my car,

0:27:560:27:59

having them in there.

0:27:590:28:01

The only good thing that came out of it

0:28:010:28:03

is the noises that came out of my body

0:28:030:28:05

that I hadn't planned to come out of my body.

0:28:050:28:07

There was creaking and popping, and when I got to the boot,

0:28:090:28:12

by the time I got to the boot, I was going...

0:28:120:28:14

HE JUDDERS CREAKILY

0:28:140:28:16

And it caused me, as I'm sure it would for many of you,

0:28:180:28:20

to recall my favourite involuntary noise of all time.

0:28:200:28:24

I went to Spain this summer,

0:28:240:28:26

and in the particular region of Spain I was in, they eat two things.

0:28:260:28:31

They eat meat and cheese. I had been joining them in that.

0:28:310:28:35

As a consequence, it had a fairly profound effect on my body,

0:28:350:28:38

ladies and gentlemen.

0:28:380:28:39

You'll think I'm exaggerating,

0:28:390:28:41

but I want you to focus on this sentence,

0:28:410:28:43

because I absolutely mean it - for that day,

0:28:430:28:45

I had been farting more often than I had not been farting.

0:28:450:28:51

Do you understand?

0:28:540:28:55

The fart to silence ratio had been entirely reversed.

0:28:550:28:58

Just a constant stream...

0:29:010:29:03

It was thoroughly enjoyable, but in the evening, I went into town

0:29:040:29:08

and heard there was a religious festival on, so I thought,

0:29:080:29:11

"I'm going to have to cork it when I'm down there and show a bit of respect".

0:29:110:29:14

So I used my natural gripping power to hold it in.

0:29:140:29:19

But something amazing started to build up inside me as a consequence.

0:29:190:29:23

Those amongst you who are fartologists will know this.

0:29:250:29:27

It's what's known in the fart world, technically,

0:29:300:29:33

what was building up was a single puff/single clap fart, right?

0:29:330:29:37

What I mean by that - it was such an amazing amount of gas within me

0:29:380:29:42

that when I released it,

0:29:420:29:43

my buttocks wouldn't have a chance to relax in the traditional way.

0:29:430:29:47

It was going to come out,

0:29:490:29:50

and there would be a single clap of my backside, and we'd be done.

0:29:500:29:54

So I was looking forward to it,

0:29:580:30:00

but I was in a fairly large religious crowd,

0:30:000:30:04

so I had to pick my moment.

0:30:040:30:05

So I waited and I thought, "Right, I'm safe."

0:30:050:30:09

I started to release the floodgates, so to speak.

0:30:090:30:12

The second - what a joyful coincidence -

0:30:130:30:15

the second I released

0:30:150:30:17

the single puff/single clap fart, just by chance,

0:30:170:30:20

a Spanish man working his way through the crowd

0:30:200:30:23

placed his hand against my backside the second I released it.

0:30:230:30:27

The resulting soundscape was amazing.

0:30:290:30:31

I'll try and do it justice for you now.

0:30:310:30:34

I'd appreciate it if you'd all take this seriously.

0:30:400:30:43

Pff...bonk..."Hey!"

0:30:460:30:49

He was furious.

0:30:550:30:56

So far, so good. Is everyone having a nice time?

0:31:000:31:03

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:31:030:31:05

Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time

0:31:050:31:08

when I bring the next act on. He's one of my favourite acts.

0:31:080:31:11

We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up.

0:31:110:31:14

His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome. Are you ready

0:31:140:31:17

for your final act of tonight's show?

0:31:170:31:19

-Yeah!

-Start the clapping. Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up.

0:31:190:31:24

Let's turn it up!

0:31:240:31:26

Turn it up again. One more!

0:31:260:31:30

Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans!

0:31:300:31:33

Thank you.

0:31:440:31:45

Thank you very much.

0:31:470:31:49

Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?

0:31:490:31:51

Very nice to be back in London.

0:31:510:31:53

I lived in London for most of my adult life.

0:31:530:31:55

Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove.

0:31:550:31:59

Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place.

0:31:590:32:01

There is a rivalry.

0:32:010:32:03

Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class,

0:32:030:32:06

because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down

0:32:060:32:09

before squatting down to urinate in the gutter.

0:32:090:32:11

On a Friday night.

0:32:140:32:16

And that sort of behaviour

0:32:160:32:17

is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton.

0:32:170:32:20

"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling."

0:32:200:32:23

The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair,

0:32:250:32:27

it is the hen parties who visit,

0:32:270:32:29

recreational hen parties come down at the weekend.

0:32:290:32:31

I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch,

0:32:310:32:34

I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes,

0:32:340:32:37

but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton

0:32:370:32:41

on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something.

0:32:410:32:46

"Actual prostitute", something of that sort.

0:32:490:32:51

It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone,

0:32:510:32:56

I would say that.

0:32:560:32:57

People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid.

0:32:580:33:02

But these are broad stereotypes.

0:33:060:33:08

In truth, Hove is not terribly posh,

0:33:080:33:10

it just has a lot of old people in it,

0:33:100:33:12

which gives a patina of respectability.

0:33:120:33:14

Like most of the south coast, Worthing, Eastbourne,

0:33:140:33:17

a lot of old people's homes.

0:33:170:33:18

There isn't much of a buzz, and if there is,

0:33:180:33:20

it usually means somebody's had a fall.

0:33:200:33:22

They actually made a pilot episode of CSI Hove. It was a disaster.

0:33:230:33:27

48 deaths, every single one natural causes.

0:33:280:33:31

We have family connections with Hove.

0:33:340:33:36

One of the reasons we chose it - my great-grandmother

0:33:360:33:39

used to live in Hove many years ago. She was notorious.

0:33:390:33:41

She was one of the first women to break into

0:33:410:33:44

what had previously been the all-male domain of lesbianism.

0:33:440:33:47

The things we take for granted now.

0:33:490:33:52

Brighton is of course still famous for its gay and lesbian community,

0:33:520:33:55

and they are well-established and very much cherished.

0:33:550:33:58

It's interesting -

0:33:580:34:00

the gay men live in quite a self-imposed ghetto in Brighton.

0:34:000:34:03

It's called Kemptown.

0:34:030:34:04

They have a bit of beach which is understood to be gay.

0:34:040:34:07

The local paper claimed that they use it for casual gay sex.

0:34:070:34:10

I have lived in the neighbourhood over three years

0:34:100:34:12

and I have yet to see an example of this,

0:34:120:34:14

except through some really quite powerful binoculars. But...

0:34:140:34:17

Even if it is going on, I don't think anyone cares any more, do they?

0:34:190:34:23

Casual gay sex on a beach? Formal gay sex, that would be a bit odd.

0:34:230:34:26

People getting up in black tie and dinner jacket.

0:34:270:34:31

8 for 8.30, just for a spot of buggery.

0:34:310:34:33

Doesn't seem worth it, does it?

0:34:330:34:34

Realistically, if you are going to have gay sex on a beach

0:34:370:34:40

or anywhere else, it's important to be as relaxed as possible.

0:34:400:34:44

At least until you've tossed the coin. That's what I remember.

0:34:440:34:47

I don't know where you went to school. We all have our traditions.

0:34:470:34:51

I would say smart-casual.

0:34:510:34:52

That's probably the ideal dress code. No trainers.

0:34:520:34:55

Although you may want them for grip, I don't know.

0:34:570:35:00

It's a pebble beach, I'm sure you'll be fine.

0:35:020:35:05

I'd avoid those ones with a little wheel in the heel.

0:35:050:35:08

That's setting yourself unnecessary challenges.

0:35:080:35:11

But that's just the gay men. The lesbians have integrated more.

0:35:120:35:16

The lesbians have drifted down more towards Hove.

0:35:160:35:19

Not literally drifted on the sea, I mean,

0:35:190:35:21

they use conventional transport.

0:35:210:35:23

They live conventional lives,

0:35:230:35:24

and I have enormous respect and patience and time for them.

0:35:240:35:27

I actually have a daughter, Matilda, who I intend to raise as a lesbian.

0:35:270:35:31

Not for profit.

0:35:330:35:34

There's a bit of money in tennis, but it's a long shot at this point.

0:35:360:35:40

I just don't like the idea

0:35:430:35:45

of any other man laying his hands on her, to be honest.

0:35:450:35:48

Not that I lay my hands on her. That sounded wrong, didn't it?

0:35:480:35:50

This is not some Austrian type of scenario, I can assure you.

0:35:520:35:56

Too much DIY involved, apart from anything else.

0:35:560:35:59

I have a set of shelves that have seen off three bank holidays.

0:36:010:36:04

I can't imagine a network of dungeons

0:36:040:36:06

is going to appear under my house any time soon.

0:36:060:36:08

The damp course alone would take me six months. It's ridiculous.

0:36:080:36:11

By the time you've done all that work, you've got a basement flat.

0:36:110:36:14

I could rent that out.

0:36:140:36:15

MIXED LAUGHTER

0:36:150:36:17

I have two children.

0:36:210:36:22

A boy and a girl, one of each.

0:36:230:36:25

That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format.

0:36:250:36:28

And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course,

0:36:300:36:33

and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina...er, children, erm,

0:36:330:36:37

attempting to complete the set. Please don't get hung up on that.

0:36:370:36:40

My experience is, it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is.

0:36:400:36:44

Every child is a burden and a curse. It really makes no difference.

0:36:440:36:47

Young Edward - he's just turned three.

0:36:490:36:52

By which I mean, he's reached the age of three,

0:36:520:36:54

rather than converted his first lesbians.

0:36:540:36:56

And he is... He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy,

0:36:560:36:59

but that's beyond him for a while yet.

0:36:590:37:01

Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now.

0:37:030:37:07

Technically his fourth, but the first one, he was naughty,

0:37:070:37:11

so that was that. But, um...

0:37:110:37:12

LAUGHTER

0:37:120:37:14

But he is a bit of a handful. Small boys are.

0:37:140:37:16

There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago.

0:37:160:37:19

That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now.

0:37:190:37:22

I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me,

0:37:230:37:26

but you have to understand.

0:37:260:37:27

We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them

0:37:290:37:31

and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time.

0:37:310:37:35

We take them at the weekend now to farms,

0:37:350:37:36

because we live in Hove and farms are available.

0:37:360:37:39

These aren't real farms. They may have been farms once upon a time.

0:37:390:37:42

They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry Farm.

0:37:420:37:45

They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go,

0:37:450:37:49

and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade

0:37:490:37:51

and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about.

0:37:510:37:55

My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise

0:37:550:37:59

can supply the food demands of East Sussex.

0:37:590:38:02

I certainly am,

0:38:020:38:03

and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day,

0:38:030:38:06

something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches

0:38:060:38:08

on a regular basis. Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed

0:38:080:38:11

in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians,

0:38:110:38:15

and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh

0:38:150:38:17

that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies

0:38:170:38:20

on the hideous stumps of their legs,

0:38:200:38:22

as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent

0:38:220:38:25

and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks.

0:38:250:38:29

That would be an educational day out for the kids.

0:38:290:38:31

My God, it is hard work bringing up kids,

0:38:370:38:39

and you have so many fears and anxieties.

0:38:390:38:41

My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest

0:38:410:38:45

that all children here

0:38:450:38:46

will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years.

0:38:460:38:48

The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it,

0:38:480:38:51

but it is very difficult to approach through comedy

0:38:510:38:54

as it's a sensitive subject. Adult obesity, too.

0:38:540:38:57

I certainly won't address the women on this subject

0:38:570:38:59

as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain -

0:38:590:39:02

it's a far more complex matter.

0:39:020:39:04

It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on. I understand that.

0:39:040:39:08

But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility.

0:39:100:39:13

We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics.

0:39:130:39:16

Let's try and keep this mentality going.

0:39:160:39:18

The government have made it terrifically complicated now.

0:39:180:39:21

They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index.

0:39:210:39:24

You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not.

0:39:240:39:27

This is an old-fashioned British approach,

0:39:270:39:29

which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells.

0:39:290:39:31

The first one rings if you look down

0:39:310:39:33

and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle.

0:39:330:39:36

If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later.

0:39:360:39:39

It's very easy to correct the fault.

0:39:390:39:41

Second alarm bell rings

0:39:410:39:42

if you look down and realise you can no longer see what,

0:39:420:39:45

for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as your...cock.

0:39:450:39:49

That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet,

0:39:500:39:53

you're in real trouble. And those of you thinking,

0:39:530:39:56

"Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet,

0:39:560:39:58

"ha-ha-ha,"

0:39:580:40:00

you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools

0:40:000:40:03

who are most at risk.

0:40:030:40:04

The fourth alarm bell rings

0:40:070:40:09

when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror.

0:40:090:40:12

Oh, yes, they're out there.

0:40:180:40:20

And the fifth and final bell rings

0:40:210:40:23

when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection.

0:40:230:40:26

Now, at that point, you're no doubt

0:40:260:40:28

too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh

0:40:280:40:31

to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business.

0:40:310:40:34

Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to.

0:40:340:40:37

Nature has its compensations.

0:40:370:40:38

All I am saying - is it wise as a society

0:40:380:40:41

that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence

0:40:410:40:44

with subsidised transport?

0:40:440:40:46

And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass.

0:40:460:40:48

I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical "obesycles", I call them.

0:40:480:40:52

I don't know if that is the correct term.

0:40:520:40:54

You've seen them.

0:40:540:40:55

Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm

0:40:550:40:59

but they have been hijacked recently.

0:40:590:41:01

Not literally, I hope.

0:41:010:41:03

My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime

0:41:030:41:06

to watch unfold if it is going on.

0:41:060:41:07

Somehow, they've got hold of them.

0:41:090:41:11

They look ridiculous.

0:41:110:41:12

The first one I saw - he was so vast,

0:41:120:41:14

he appeared to be hovering up the street.

0:41:140:41:16

He concealed the vehicle entirely.

0:41:160:41:18

He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet.

0:41:180:41:21

I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds.

0:41:210:41:23

"You've mastered the art of levitation -

0:41:230:41:26

"you won't burn off many calories that way."

0:41:260:41:28

It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs

0:41:280:41:31

and his right trouser leg started flashing orange

0:41:310:41:33

as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on.

0:41:330:41:36

Of course, if you shut down Greggs,

0:41:380:41:40

you'd solve the whole problem at a stroke anyway, I suspect.

0:41:400:41:43

That is the mother lode, isn't it?

0:41:430:41:44

I was in a branch of Greggs recently,

0:41:440:41:46

and the Olympians here will enjoy this.

0:41:460:41:49

I like a pasty as much as the next man, but that is a deluded shop.

0:41:490:41:52

They were selling mineral water, which is optimistic enough,

0:41:520:41:55

but they were selling that in regular bottles, 80p for a half-litre,

0:41:550:41:59

or, for a 20p premium,

0:41:590:42:02

you could buy the same quantity of the same water,

0:42:020:42:04

but in a special bottle,

0:42:040:42:05

and this was how it was described on the shelf -

0:42:050:42:08

big capital letters "with the SPORTS CAP" -

0:42:080:42:10

the kind you can open with your teeth in one hand

0:42:100:42:13

so you don't have to dismount from your bicycle

0:42:130:42:15

on that crucial last stage of your triathlon

0:42:150:42:17

and waste valuable seconds opening a bottle of water.

0:42:170:42:20

I don't think that's a priority

0:42:200:42:22

for your average Greggs customer, do you? A sports cap?

0:42:220:42:26

Maybe if you've got a fag on the go in the other hand, that helps.

0:42:260:42:29

What are they going to sell next,

0:42:300:42:31

little pies with clips that you can put on your tracksuits

0:42:310:42:34

and a straw you can suck the gravy out?

0:42:340:42:36

Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure

0:42:440:42:46

speaking to you this evening. I do hope you've enjoyed the evening.

0:42:460:42:50

I've been Simon Evans. Thank you very much, good night.

0:42:500:42:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:520:42:55

Mr Simon Evans!

0:42:590:43:00

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.

0:43:040:43:07

You've been a wonderful audience.

0:43:070:43:09

-Have you had a nice time?

-Yeah!

-It's been a real pleasure.

0:43:090:43:12

Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts

0:43:120:43:14

who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show.

0:43:140:43:16

First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden.

0:43:160:43:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:180:43:20

Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans!

0:43:200:43:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:220:43:24

This has been Live At The Apollo.

0:43:240:43:26

My name's Greg Davies. I'll see you again, good night!

0:43:260:43:29

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0:43:530:43:56

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