Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies! | 0:00:18 | 0:00:24 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:24 | 0:00:29 | |
Hello! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Hello! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo! | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
What a treat, what a treat to be here. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight, | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
before we get going properly. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
totally snapped. | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
This is genuinely true. I haven't bought replacements, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
to have some sort of horrific testicular cummerbund, | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
I would imagine, just floating about. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Let me tell you the worst thing about being | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
a fat, middle-aged comedian, cos I am, | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
let's not, let's not mess around. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
I'm... Look at, look at what I've done to myself. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
and you know the worst thing about that? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
and you feel like a fraud when you look like this, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight... | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
..and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
Who's over 40 here? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Listen to the misery in those cheers. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Who's under 25? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up! | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:28 | |
You don't know what's coming, you people. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
You don't know what's... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
You know what happened to me backstage? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
This isn't my original outfit. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
and the producer asked me to change... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
..because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
That's a quote. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
It's true! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
My body is... It's disgusting! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago, | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
before I came here, I stood in front of the... | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
And don't "woo" that, for God's sake. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
I looked at myself naked in a mirror | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
"You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
"by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham." | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:25 | |
It's disgusting. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
I wasn't going to tell you this. I'll tell you this. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Do you know what happened to me the other day? Get this. This is true. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
I broke my toilet... | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
Guess how? I'll tell you. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
I just sat on it. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
It's ruined. It's come totally away from the wall. I just sat on it. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:51 | |
I was halfway through a poo, right? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
So I had to do this waddle of shame through the flat | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
to the guest toilet. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
I sat on that, and I swear to God, that broke too. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
I broke two toilets with one shit. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
And don't put that in the internet. You've got to be very careful. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things... | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
I'm an amazing lover. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
I am! | 0:04:26 | 0:04:27 | |
I don't mean... Let me qualify that. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
What I mean is, I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:36 | |
and through all those sexual exploits of mine, | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked, | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
So, slowly, over a period of many years, | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:54 | |
I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you, | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
and I'm sure you'd go crazy. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
Here's the irony. Ready? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
I'm 44 years of age now, | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
It's a crime! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
There's only one way | 0:05:14 | 0:05:15 | |
all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used, | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here, | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
if you invite me round to your house, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
and I talk you both through it... | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
..like some awful, sexual puppeteer. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
What I love about the male brain is, hope springs eternal. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
I thought this the other day. I was walking down the street. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
and there'll be part of my brain that goes... | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
"..Maybe she likes ham." | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
And I saw the most amazing example of this. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself - | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
he's finished, he's knackered, right. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
He's exhausted, he can't walk, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
he has a little blanket over his knees | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
and I went to see him, he was sitting there, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?" | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
He goes, "I'm finished. I hate it, I'm so unhappy," | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry." | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love." | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
This is what he did. I promise you, he did this. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
"Well, hello there." | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking, | 0:06:43 | 0:06:47 | |
"Do you know what I fancy today? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
"I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup." | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
It's awful. It's awful, just being washed up. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
And there's Olympians in tonight, I know that. There's proper Olympians. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
Proper fit athletes. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight - | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
er, Harriet Mills, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors. Where are you, guys? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Really? Really, right. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
But I loved it. I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
I didn't know that existed. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
I spent a whole day watching dressage! | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Have you seen dressage? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Guys, it's dancing horses! | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Who'd have thought?! | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
They dance to music, they do this! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
I didn't even think that was allowed. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
Someone told me you can lead a horse to water, | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
but you can't make it drink, yeah? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
What are we going to have in Rio in four years? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
He hates it. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!" | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
I met the most amazing man the other day. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down, | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
I was in a perfectly good mood at the time | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
and he turned out to be a proper... | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
"You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!" Right? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
..proper Cockney. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
I was in a perfectly good mood. I flagged him down, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
he wound his window down and he said something to me. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
cos I was perfectly happy. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:01 | |
He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?" | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
I was furious! | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Who have you ever met that does this? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
He listed the contents of shops on our route | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
that no longer existed, right. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
"It was lovely. You could get your fillets, your T-bones, | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
"your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer." | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
And I went, "Oh, that is a shame." He goes, "Yeah. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
"There's old Terry's hardware shop there. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
"Used to be able to get your nuts, | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
"your bolts, your hammers, your ladders, | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
"your hi-vis jackets. Now that's all gone. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
"There's the barber's. Haircuts." | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
And I thought, "Insane. This man's insane," | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
and I was still fuming over the Big Bird comment, | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
and I was waiting for a chance to get him back. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
in the East End of London. It was a pie and mash shop. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there." | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
And I went, "Right." | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
"I went in there the other day | 0:10:16 | 0:10:17 | |
"and I tried to get the recipe for their pies." | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
I said, "Oh, really?" | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver, | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
"I'm also a successful restaurateur." | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
And I went, "Did you get the recipe?" | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
"They said it was a family secret." | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
I said, "That's a shame." | 0:10:37 | 0:10:38 | |
He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies," | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Try and get your heads round this. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
"it's not just pie they put in those, you know." | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
I went, "I'm sorry, mate?" | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those." | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
I went, "What, in pies?" | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate." | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
He went, "What?!" | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
"It's not an ingredient." | 0:11:13 | 0:11:14 | |
He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie." | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
"are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they?" | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you." | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
"Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver. Today, I'll be making a lasagne. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
"I'll just get the ingredients... | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
"A lasagne!" | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
He goes, "Oh, yeah. Very clever, son, | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
"but a lasagne is not a pie." | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
I said, "It may as well be, using your system. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
"What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?" | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
He goes, "I'll change the tyre." | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
"so you must throw taxi away." | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about." | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
I said, "Do you honestly not? All right, I'll help you." | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me." | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
I said, "All right, we'll do a role play." | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
He went, "OK, let's do a role play." | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
This happened, right. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:09 | |
I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner." He goes, "OK." | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake." | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
He said, "I'll have a cake, please." | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy." | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
He went, "Fine." I went, "Right, let's go." | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
This happened. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir." | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
He went, "Good morning." | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please." | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
I said, "Certainly, sir. Which cake would you like?" | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went, | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
"I'll have that one there." | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
Amazing, right? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
He did! | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
And that's where I pulled out my ace card. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise." | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts." | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
"I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I? | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
"No, you're absolutely fine, sir. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!" | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right." | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake, | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
"so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die." | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:25 | |
"a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
"a taxi is not a pie." | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
I said, "There's no such thing as pie! | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:36 | |
He said, "What's the other thing?" | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!" | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Don't mess with me, taxi drivers! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
to be presenting this wonderful show tonight. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:09 | |
I'll turn up an invisible volume switch, | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
you go crazy, I'll bring him on. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:12 | |
His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
you'll have a brilliant time in his company. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me... | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:14:18 | 0:14:19 | |
..turn the volume up. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Turn it up one more. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
One more! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden! | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
Can I say, I'm genuinely... | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
I'm really excited to just be out on the town. I am. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
I find the streets quite, quite stressful. Erm... | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
Don't you find that people do that in London? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
People walk the street, they're very defensive. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
Everyone's got that kind of...don't mess with me look, you know? | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
Even old people are like... | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
"I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja. Just try it!" | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Sometimes, people are frightened of me. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
This is absolutely true. I've been walking home late at night, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
there's a woman, by herself in front of me, | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
she does that little half-turn, | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
and I can tell she thinks I'm following her. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
I speed up to try and overtake. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
She speeds up. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
I can't slow down | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!" | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
I am, I'm feeling old, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
I had a horrible old man thought the other day. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
I was talking to a girl in her early 20s, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
I wasn't going to do anything because I am married. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
I'm married to a woman. I know what you were thinking. Shut up. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:09 | |
Honestly, it's just a stage persona. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
On stage... | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
Sorry, I was saying... I was talking to this girl, | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
I was talking to this girl in her early 20s, | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
I'm chatting away and it just popped in there. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger." | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
"I was never good with women. What am I talking about?!" | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger, | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
"I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
"And do absolutely nothing about it." | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
I was rubbish. I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
You young people, just enjoy this time. Who is young here? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment? | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
You're really not sure? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
Enjoy this time. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:21 | |
He said, "Do you know what, boys?" | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
We were 17. He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
"Get as fit as you can, | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
"you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again." | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
And I remember thinking at the time, | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
"I don't think he should be in the shower with us," | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
but it was a bloody good speech. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
But I looked great then, | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
I've got a problem with eating. I'm addicted to eating. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
It's worse than being a heroin addict, | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
because at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
I'm possessed when I eat, honestly. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
And I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
CHEERING | 0:18:13 | 0:18:14 | |
But they always interrupt you, all through the meal, | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
"Is everything OK with your meal?" | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
(SCOFFING FOOD NOISES) Leave me alone! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:23 | |
I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:34 | |
I'd be rubbish on MasterChef. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
On MasterChef, you've always got someone going, | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
"Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
"of different flavours, yeah. Mm. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
"I can really taste the coconut coming through now. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
"Hal, what do you think?" | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
SCOFFING NOISES | 0:18:49 | 0:18:50 | |
"I JUST FEEL HAPPIER!" | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
We are falling apart socially, aren't we? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
We have got riots, we've got strikes, | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
Only Germany's OK, aren't they? | 0:19:22 | 0:19:23 | |
Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:32 | |
saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
"You won't like us when we show strong leadership." | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Germany's at the top, of course. Greece is at the bottom. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
Greece is the worst. Any Greeks here? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
FEW SHOUTS | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:03 | |
What we really want to know about Greece is, | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
That's all we want. What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
The British people deserve an answer! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
We're always being told what the British people deserve. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
My friends' Facebook pages | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
are just them moaning about life and what they deserve. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
Their Facebook status - "Mad day. Got up, got the kids to school, | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
"did the washing, did the shopping, went to work, picked the kids up, | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
"did the dinner, sitting on the couch drinking red wine. I deserve this." | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
And I always think, "No, you don't, actually." | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
If you live OK in Britain, | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
you live one of the most privileged lives in the world. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
The people who deserve a good old moan on Facebook | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
are people trying to bring up families | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
in war-torn, sub-Saharan Africa. They deserve Facebook, don't they? | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
"Mad day. Had to walk ten miles to fetch clean water. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
"Got turned back by the militia. Lost a child to malaria on the way home. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
"Sitting in my tent, drinking rainwater. I deserve this." | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
And then you get the needy Facebook status, the cry-for-help one. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
I've got friends who literally have said "I feel like crying..." | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
And everyone piles in - "What do you mean? You're a lovely person." | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
And this friend of mine literally wrote, "I just feel so sad today." | 0:21:34 | 0:21:38 | |
In the Middle East, people are writing things on Facebook like, | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
"I feel like crying." | 0:21:43 | 0:21:44 | |
"What's wrong?" "I've just been tear-gassed." Proper shit, yes? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
People are tweeting, "I've just been shot!" Sad face. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:55 | |
ROFD - that means rolling on the floor, dying. Proper stuff. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
We use Facebook and Twitter for rubbish. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
Have you ever seen those sanctimonious little poems | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
and quotes people put on Facebook to make you feel better about life? | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
They drive me mad. I've got one here. I've got two I printed out. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:17 | |
This first one is always put on by women, by the way. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
I'm not being sexist, because I was sort of raised by women. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:24 | |
Can you tell? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:25 | |
I never had that older brother figure who beat me up, | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
I had two older sisters who... | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
who dressed me up. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
I was raised by women. Sounds like I was raised by wolves, doesn't it? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
I was found running with a wild hen night in Newcastle. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
But this first quote is always put on by women. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
You will recognise it, some of you. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
"Friends are angels, | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
"who lift us to our feet | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
"when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
You know what, us men, we may be emotionally constipated... | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
but I'm damn proud we don't put shit like that on Facebook. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
This second quote is put on by everybody. This is a long one. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Lots of you will recognise this one. I've had this one about four times. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
"Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
"Love truly, laugh uncontrollably, | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
"and never regret anything that made you smile. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
"20 years from now, you'll be more disappointed | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
"by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
"So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour, | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
"catch the trade winds in your sails, explore, dream, discover." | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
You know what? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
I've got a mortgage to pay, bills to deal with, kids to bring up. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
I don't have time for this crap on my Facebook page. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Let's look at it in detail. "Life is short" - no, it's not. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Compared to most animals, we live a bloody long time. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
Do you know how hard it would be | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
to train a dog if they ever realised how short their life was? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
Because they'd go, "Why should I fetch the stick? What's the point? | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
"I've only got 13 years." | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
They'd be off to travel the world and have adventures. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Flies, buzzing about, going, "20 days. 20 bloody days. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
"Even shit tastes good to us." | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
The mayfly lives for one day. One day. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
Do you think other animals are really nice to the mayfly? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
"Who are you?" "I'm a mayfly." | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
"I think you're really brave." | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Do you think they're all raising money | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
to send them to Disneyland by 6pm? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Do you think that's what's going on? | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
So "life is short" - no, it's not, it's bloody long. Second one. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
"Break the rules". I hate people who say "break the rules". I hate you. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
Rules are really, really important. What do you mean? | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
What, drive the wrong way up the M1? What do you mean? | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
Serial killers break the rules, don't they? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
"He's killed ten, | 0:25:18 | 0:25:19 | |
"but he's really sticking it to the man." It's rubbish. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
"Kiss slowly". Kiss slowly, yeah? | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
What about your gran? | 0:25:30 | 0:25:31 | |
It's just rubbish. We love this sanctimonious stuff. It's rubbish. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
It's like, the nation's favourite poem is If, by Rudyard Kipling. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
It's the one that says do all these things | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
"..and yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
"and what's more, you'll be a man, my son," | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
and men go "great poem", and a tear down their face. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
It's rubbish. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
It's got a middle section that says | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
"If you can make one heap of all your winnings, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
"and risk it in one turn of pitch and toss, and lose | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
"and start again from your beginnings | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
"and never breathe a word about your loss..." | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
To me, that means you've got a serious gambling problem... | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
..that you're hiding from your family. That's what that means. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
The first line, the famous first line - | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
"and blaming it on you..." | 0:26:25 | 0:26:26 | |
If you can keep your head | 0:26:26 | 0:26:27 | |
when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
I suggest you've misunderstood | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
the seriousness of the situation that you're in. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
I think you're the twat driving the wrong way up the M1. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
People in the back are going, "We're going to die!" "I'm keeping my head." | 0:26:40 | 0:26:44 | |
I just don't believe in quotes or poems to sum life up. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
If my kids ask my advice, I keep it short and honest. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
They say to me things like, "Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?" | 0:26:53 | 0:26:57 | |
And I say, "Disappointed." | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
You've been a delight. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
I'm Hal Cruttenden. Thank you! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:11 | |
Mr Hal Cruttenden! | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Funny man. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
I tried to address this recently. Do you want to know what I did? | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
I went to Argos. I bought myself some weights. £29.99, they were. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:38 | |
I carried those weights from Argos to the boot of my car. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:43 | |
They are still in the boot of my car. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
I will never use them. It was agony. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
They were only in a little pack like this. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
The only good thing that came out of the whole thing, right, | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
and if anything, I'll tell you this, | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
it's terribly affected the fuel economy of my car, | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
having them in there. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
The only good thing that came out of it | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
is the noises that came out of my body | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
that I hadn't planned to come out of my body. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
There was creaking and popping, and when I got to the boot, | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
by the time I got to the boot, I was going... | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
HE JUDDERS CREAKILY | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
And it caused me, as I'm sure it would for many of you, | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
to recall my favourite involuntary noise of all time. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:24 | |
I went to Spain this summer, | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
and in the particular region of Spain I was in, they eat two things. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:31 | |
They eat meat and cheese. I had been joining them in that. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:35 | |
As a consequence, it had a fairly profound effect on my body, | 0:28:35 | 0:28:38 | |
ladies and gentlemen. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:39 | |
You'll think I'm exaggerating, | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
but I want you to focus on this sentence, | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
because I absolutely mean it - for that day, | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
I had been farting more often than I had not been farting. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:51 | |
Do you understand? | 0:28:54 | 0:28:55 | |
The fart to silence ratio had been entirely reversed. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
Just a constant stream... | 0:29:01 | 0:29:03 | |
It was thoroughly enjoyable, but in the evening, I went into town | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
and heard there was a religious festival on, so I thought, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
"I'm going to have to cork it when I'm down there and show a bit of respect". | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
So I used my natural gripping power to hold it in. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:19 | |
But something amazing started to build up inside me as a consequence. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
Those amongst you who are fartologists will know this. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
It's what's known in the fart world, technically, | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
what was building up was a single puff/single clap fart, right? | 0:29:33 | 0:29:37 | |
What I mean by that - it was such an amazing amount of gas within me | 0:29:38 | 0:29:42 | |
that when I released it, | 0:29:42 | 0:29:43 | |
my buttocks wouldn't have a chance to relax in the traditional way. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:47 | |
It was going to come out, | 0:29:49 | 0:29:50 | |
and there would be a single clap of my backside, and we'd be done. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:54 | |
So I was looking forward to it, | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
but I was in a fairly large religious crowd, | 0:30:00 | 0:30:04 | |
so I had to pick my moment. | 0:30:04 | 0:30:05 | |
So I waited and I thought, "Right, I'm safe." | 0:30:05 | 0:30:09 | |
I started to release the floodgates, so to speak. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:12 | |
The second - what a joyful coincidence - | 0:30:13 | 0:30:15 | |
the second I released | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
the single puff/single clap fart, just by chance, | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
a Spanish man working his way through the crowd | 0:30:20 | 0:30:23 | |
placed his hand against my backside the second I released it. | 0:30:23 | 0:30:27 | |
The resulting soundscape was amazing. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
I'll try and do it justice for you now. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:34 | |
I'd appreciate it if you'd all take this seriously. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
Pff...bonk..."Hey!" | 0:30:46 | 0:30:49 | |
He was furious. | 0:30:55 | 0:30:56 | |
So far, so good. Is everyone having a nice time? | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
AUDIENCE: Yes! | 0:31:03 | 0:31:05 | |
Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time | 0:31:05 | 0:31:08 | |
when I bring the next act on. He's one of my favourite acts. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:14 | |
His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome. Are you ready | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
for your final act of tonight's show? | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
-Yeah! -Start the clapping. Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:24 | |
Let's turn it up! | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
Turn it up again. One more! | 0:31:26 | 0:31:30 | |
Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans! | 0:31:30 | 0:31:33 | |
Thank you. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:45 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:49 | |
Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it? | 0:31:49 | 0:31:51 | |
Very nice to be back in London. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
I lived in London for most of my adult life. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:55 | |
Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:59 | |
Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:01 | |
There is a rivalry. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class, | 0:32:03 | 0:32:06 | |
because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down | 0:32:06 | 0:32:09 | |
before squatting down to urinate in the gutter. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:11 | |
On a Friday night. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:16 | |
And that sort of behaviour | 0:32:16 | 0:32:17 | |
is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling." | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair, | 0:32:25 | 0:32:27 | |
it is the hen parties who visit, | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
recreational hen parties come down at the weekend. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch, | 0:32:31 | 0:32:34 | |
I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes, | 0:32:34 | 0:32:37 | |
but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:46 | |
"Actual prostitute", something of that sort. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:51 | |
It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone, | 0:32:51 | 0:32:56 | |
I would say that. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:57 | |
People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid. | 0:32:58 | 0:33:02 | |
But these are broad stereotypes. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
In truth, Hove is not terribly posh, | 0:33:08 | 0:33:10 | |
it just has a lot of old people in it, | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
which gives a patina of respectability. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
Like most of the south coast, Worthing, Eastbourne, | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
a lot of old people's homes. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:18 | |
There isn't much of a buzz, and if there is, | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
it usually means somebody's had a fall. | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
They actually made a pilot episode of CSI Hove. It was a disaster. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:27 | |
48 deaths, every single one natural causes. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:31 | |
We have family connections with Hove. | 0:33:34 | 0:33:36 | |
One of the reasons we chose it - my great-grandmother | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
used to live in Hove many years ago. She was notorious. | 0:33:39 | 0:33:41 | |
She was one of the first women to break into | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
what had previously been the all-male domain of lesbianism. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:47 | |
The things we take for granted now. | 0:33:49 | 0:33:52 | |
Brighton is of course still famous for its gay and lesbian community, | 0:33:52 | 0:33:55 | |
and they are well-established and very much cherished. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
It's interesting - | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
the gay men live in quite a self-imposed ghetto in Brighton. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:03 | |
It's called Kemptown. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:04 | |
They have a bit of beach which is understood to be gay. | 0:34:04 | 0:34:07 | |
The local paper claimed that they use it for casual gay sex. | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
I have lived in the neighbourhood over three years | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
and I have yet to see an example of this, | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
except through some really quite powerful binoculars. But... | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
Even if it is going on, I don't think anyone cares any more, do they? | 0:34:19 | 0:34:23 | |
Casual gay sex on a beach? Formal gay sex, that would be a bit odd. | 0:34:23 | 0:34:26 | |
People getting up in black tie and dinner jacket. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:31 | |
8 for 8.30, just for a spot of buggery. | 0:34:31 | 0:34:33 | |
Doesn't seem worth it, does it? | 0:34:33 | 0:34:34 | |
Realistically, if you are going to have gay sex on a beach | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
or anywhere else, it's important to be as relaxed as possible. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
At least until you've tossed the coin. That's what I remember. | 0:34:44 | 0:34:47 | |
I don't know where you went to school. We all have our traditions. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:51 | |
I would say smart-casual. | 0:34:51 | 0:34:52 | |
That's probably the ideal dress code. No trainers. | 0:34:52 | 0:34:55 | |
Although you may want them for grip, I don't know. | 0:34:57 | 0:35:00 | |
It's a pebble beach, I'm sure you'll be fine. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:05 | |
I'd avoid those ones with a little wheel in the heel. | 0:35:05 | 0:35:08 | |
That's setting yourself unnecessary challenges. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:11 | |
But that's just the gay men. The lesbians have integrated more. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:16 | |
The lesbians have drifted down more towards Hove. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:19 | |
Not literally drifted on the sea, I mean, | 0:35:19 | 0:35:21 | |
they use conventional transport. | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
They live conventional lives, | 0:35:23 | 0:35:24 | |
and I have enormous respect and patience and time for them. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
I actually have a daughter, Matilda, who I intend to raise as a lesbian. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
Not for profit. | 0:35:33 | 0:35:34 | |
There's a bit of money in tennis, but it's a long shot at this point. | 0:35:36 | 0:35:40 | |
I just don't like the idea | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
of any other man laying his hands on her, to be honest. | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
Not that I lay my hands on her. That sounded wrong, didn't it? | 0:35:48 | 0:35:50 | |
This is not some Austrian type of scenario, I can assure you. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
Too much DIY involved, apart from anything else. | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
I have a set of shelves that have seen off three bank holidays. | 0:36:01 | 0:36:04 | |
I can't imagine a network of dungeons | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
is going to appear under my house any time soon. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:08 | |
The damp course alone would take me six months. It's ridiculous. | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
By the time you've done all that work, you've got a basement flat. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:14 | |
I could rent that out. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:15 | |
MIXED LAUGHTER | 0:36:15 | 0:36:17 | |
I have two children. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:22 | |
A boy and a girl, one of each. | 0:36:23 | 0:36:25 | |
That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:28 | |
And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course, | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina...er, children, erm, | 0:36:33 | 0:36:37 | |
attempting to complete the set. Please don't get hung up on that. | 0:36:37 | 0:36:40 | |
My experience is, it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:44 | |
Every child is a burden and a curse. It really makes no difference. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:47 | |
Young Edward - he's just turned three. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
By which I mean, he's reached the age of three, | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
rather than converted his first lesbians. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
And he is... He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy, | 0:36:56 | 0:36:59 | |
but that's beyond him for a while yet. | 0:36:59 | 0:37:01 | |
Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:07 | |
Technically his fourth, but the first one, he was naughty, | 0:37:07 | 0:37:11 | |
so that was that. But, um... | 0:37:11 | 0:37:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
But he is a bit of a handful. Small boys are. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me, | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
but you have to understand. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:27 | |
We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them | 0:37:29 | 0:37:31 | |
and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time. | 0:37:31 | 0:37:35 | |
We take them at the weekend now to farms, | 0:37:35 | 0:37:36 | |
because we live in Hove and farms are available. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:39 | |
These aren't real farms. They may have been farms once upon a time. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry Farm. | 0:37:42 | 0:37:45 | |
They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go, | 0:37:45 | 0:37:49 | |
and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade | 0:37:49 | 0:37:51 | |
and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:55 | |
My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise | 0:37:55 | 0:37:59 | |
can supply the food demands of East Sussex. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:02 | |
I certainly am, | 0:38:02 | 0:38:03 | |
and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day, | 0:38:03 | 0:38:06 | |
something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches | 0:38:06 | 0:38:08 | |
on a regular basis. Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians, | 0:38:11 | 0:38:15 | |
and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh | 0:38:15 | 0:38:17 | |
that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies | 0:38:17 | 0:38:20 | |
on the hideous stumps of their legs, | 0:38:20 | 0:38:22 | |
as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent | 0:38:22 | 0:38:25 | |
and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:29 | |
That would be an educational day out for the kids. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
My God, it is hard work bringing up kids, | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
and you have so many fears and anxieties. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:41 | |
My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest | 0:38:41 | 0:38:45 | |
that all children here | 0:38:45 | 0:38:46 | |
will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:48 | |
The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it, | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
but it is very difficult to approach through comedy | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
as it's a sensitive subject. Adult obesity, too. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
I certainly won't address the women on this subject | 0:38:57 | 0:38:59 | |
as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain - | 0:38:59 | 0:39:02 | |
it's a far more complex matter. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on. I understand that. | 0:39:04 | 0:39:08 | |
But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
Let's try and keep this mentality going. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:18 | |
The government have made it terrifically complicated now. | 0:39:18 | 0:39:21 | |
They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:24 | |
You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:27 | |
This is an old-fashioned British approach, | 0:39:27 | 0:39:29 | |
which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:31 | |
The first one rings if you look down | 0:39:31 | 0:39:33 | |
and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:36 | |
If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:39 | |
It's very easy to correct the fault. | 0:39:39 | 0:39:41 | |
Second alarm bell rings | 0:39:41 | 0:39:42 | |
if you look down and realise you can no longer see what, | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as your...cock. | 0:39:45 | 0:39:49 | |
That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet, | 0:39:50 | 0:39:53 | |
you're in real trouble. And those of you thinking, | 0:39:53 | 0:39:56 | |
"Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet, | 0:39:56 | 0:39:58 | |
"ha-ha-ha," | 0:39:58 | 0:40:00 | |
you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
who are most at risk. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:04 | |
The fourth alarm bell rings | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror. | 0:40:09 | 0:40:12 | |
Oh, yes, they're out there. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:20 | |
And the fifth and final bell rings | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:26 | |
Now, at that point, you're no doubt | 0:40:26 | 0:40:28 | |
too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh | 0:40:28 | 0:40:31 | |
to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:34 | |
Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to. | 0:40:34 | 0:40:37 | |
Nature has its compensations. | 0:40:37 | 0:40:38 | |
All I am saying - is it wise as a society | 0:40:38 | 0:40:41 | |
that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence | 0:40:41 | 0:40:44 | |
with subsidised transport? | 0:40:44 | 0:40:46 | |
And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:48 | |
I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical "obesycles", I call them. | 0:40:48 | 0:40:52 | |
I don't know if that is the correct term. | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
You've seen them. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:55 | |
Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm | 0:40:55 | 0:40:59 | |
but they have been hijacked recently. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:01 | |
Not literally, I hope. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:03 | |
My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime | 0:41:03 | 0:41:06 | |
to watch unfold if it is going on. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:07 | |
Somehow, they've got hold of them. | 0:41:09 | 0:41:11 | |
They look ridiculous. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:12 | |
The first one I saw - he was so vast, | 0:41:12 | 0:41:14 | |
he appeared to be hovering up the street. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:16 | |
He concealed the vehicle entirely. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:18 | |
He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:21 | |
I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:23 | |
"You've mastered the art of levitation - | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
"you won't burn off many calories that way." | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
and his right trouser leg started flashing orange | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on. | 0:41:33 | 0:41:36 | |
Of course, if you shut down Greggs, | 0:41:38 | 0:41:40 | |
you'd solve the whole problem at a stroke anyway, I suspect. | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
That is the mother lode, isn't it? | 0:41:43 | 0:41:44 | |
I was in a branch of Greggs recently, | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
and the Olympians here will enjoy this. | 0:41:46 | 0:41:49 | |
I like a pasty as much as the next man, but that is a deluded shop. | 0:41:49 | 0:41:52 | |
They were selling mineral water, which is optimistic enough, | 0:41:52 | 0:41:55 | |
but they were selling that in regular bottles, 80p for a half-litre, | 0:41:55 | 0:41:59 | |
or, for a 20p premium, | 0:41:59 | 0:42:02 | |
you could buy the same quantity of the same water, | 0:42:02 | 0:42:04 | |
but in a special bottle, | 0:42:04 | 0:42:05 | |
and this was how it was described on the shelf - | 0:42:05 | 0:42:08 | |
big capital letters "with the SPORTS CAP" - | 0:42:08 | 0:42:10 | |
the kind you can open with your teeth in one hand | 0:42:10 | 0:42:13 | |
so you don't have to dismount from your bicycle | 0:42:13 | 0:42:15 | |
on that crucial last stage of your triathlon | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
and waste valuable seconds opening a bottle of water. | 0:42:17 | 0:42:20 | |
I don't think that's a priority | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
for your average Greggs customer, do you? A sports cap? | 0:42:22 | 0:42:26 | |
Maybe if you've got a fag on the go in the other hand, that helps. | 0:42:26 | 0:42:29 | |
What are they going to sell next, | 0:42:30 | 0:42:31 | |
little pies with clips that you can put on your tracksuits | 0:42:31 | 0:42:34 | |
and a straw you can suck the gravy out? | 0:42:34 | 0:42:36 | |
Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure | 0:42:44 | 0:42:46 | |
speaking to you this evening. I do hope you've enjoyed the evening. | 0:42:46 | 0:42:50 | |
I've been Simon Evans. Thank you very much, good night. | 0:42:50 | 0:42:52 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:52 | 0:42:55 | |
Mr Simon Evans! | 0:42:59 | 0:43:00 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. | 0:43:04 | 0:43:07 | |
You've been a wonderful audience. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:09 | |
-Have you had a nice time? -Yeah! -It's been a real pleasure. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:12 | |
Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts | 0:43:12 | 0:43:14 | |
who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:16 | |
First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:18 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:18 | 0:43:20 | |
Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans! | 0:43:20 | 0:43:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:22 | 0:43:24 | |
This has been Live At The Apollo. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:26 | |
My name's Greg Davies. I'll see you again, good night! | 0:43:26 | 0:43:29 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:53 | 0:43:56 |