Mammy's Tickled Pink Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Hello! Season's greetings, and I hope you're having a jolly time.

Ha-ha!

Oh, Christmas is a marvellous time.

Stringing the Christmas lights across your roof

and plugging them into your neighbour's garage. Ha-ha!

Going to the Christmas office party and having a snog with the boss,

and then looking for a new job the next day.

And, of course, family coming home. Have YOU anybody coming home?

I have.

My son Trevor's coming home for his usual Christmas visit.

-DOORBELL

-Excuse me. I'll get that.

Oh, and a new Christmas tree.

DOORBELL

-Door.

-I heard it. Feck off.

I'll tell you about the tree in a minute.

-Cathy Brown?

-Er...yes, that's me.

That's a big box, Missus.

Not the first time I've heard that, son.

-KNOCK ON DOOR 'Here, you need to sign this.'

-Put an X beside it.

Where was I? The Christmas tree. Come here.

Now, look.

It looks like a normal Christmas tree, but watch this.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you... #

And then you just say "stop", and it stops.

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. #

That's nice.

-Tea.

-I'll get your tea in a minute.

Howya, Ma?

Hello, Mark, love. I'll be in in a minute.

-Make yourself a cup of tea.

-Is that Mark I hear?

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas... #

-Did you clap?

-Clap?

Yes, you know, clap.

TREE STOPS SINGING

Oh, it's stopped.

DISTORTED SINGING

Now it's going buckin' backwards!

Here, Cathy, a box came for you.

-Oh, yeah, grand. Thanks.

-Er...hey...

-I'll open it later.

-Oh, sure you're here now.

-Later, thank you.

-Oh, I'm sure you're dying to see what's in it.

I'll open it later.

Open the fuckin' box.

No. Now, come in here.

Me and Mark want to talk to you about something.

Shall I bring in the box?

No, thank you.

Don't forget me tea.

I got your tea. You drank it. It's gone.

-More tea, Cathy?

-Oh, yes, thanks.

Here, Mark, don't make this chat too long, Cathy's dying to open her box.

Is that the stuff you got for your new part-time job?

I bet he's delighted you're having the firm's party in our house.

Party? What's this about a party?

Nothing. Now, sit down. There's something we want to run by you.

Go on.

We've decided to do a Secret Santa this year.

And he's in the box.

This is nothing to do with the box, Mammy.

Fine, then what does this "Secret Santa" mean?

Mammy, we put the names into a hat and everybody picks out a name.

Mark...

Do you know what's in the box?

Mammy!

Once you've picked a name out, you don't tell anybody

the name you've picked, and you buy a present, only for that person.

-Really?

-Really.

And you've decided this?

-Yeah, we did.

-What am I missing?

You're getting fuck-all for Christmas!

Stop it, Mammy. Rory, we've decided to do a Secret Santa.

Oh.

Rory, you don't seem to be too happy about Secret Santa.

Well, it's just that Dino's getting me something expensive,

and I wanted to get him something really special.

Would that ruin the Secret Santa?

No, no, Rory. It's only for the immediate family.

That's all right, so.

Oh, who owns the box?

-Your sister Cathy.

-It's big, isn't it?

Not as big as your mother's, love.

Is it not possible in this house that my box can remain private?!

For God's sake.

You said you'd get me tea an hour ago.

And you said you wouldn't live past 2010, so we're quits.

Hold on, Cathy. Stall the ball now.

You've broken the Secret Santa rule already.

Only the immediate family.

So, Rory gets a present off Dino AND a Secret Santa.

Mark gets a present off Betty AND a Secret Santa.

I get a Secret Santa. One present.

Luck of the draw.

See you, Ma.

Luck of the buckin' draw.

"Pregnant high jumper up the pole."

Hi, Agnes.

Hello, Winnie.

Oh, dear, Winnie,

I was expecting you to produce a box of Milk Tray.

I have some wine gums, if you want one.

No. All black, you know. "And all because the lady..."

Oh, it doesn't matter. So, who's dead?

My God, Agnes, you must be psychic!

Oh, Winnie. Jacko hasn't gone, has he?

-Oh, no, no.

-Oh, thank God.

His Willy passed away.

He's dying bit by bit.

Jacko's brother Willy!

Oh.

The removal is today. I'm just going over there now.

-That's awful.

-It's not TOO bad.

It's right beside the hospital, and I was heading that way anyway.

No, I meant that the chap died is very sad.

A happy release, really, Agnes. He was sick for years.

It'll be a quick funeral.

-I'd better get over there now.

-On the bus?

No, they'll probably have a hearse.

Still, it's sad for the family.

Nothing spoils Christmas like a dead Willy.

There's no more family, Agnes.

My Jacko is all that's left of the McGoogans now.

-Well, Winnie, maybe he'll inherit the family fortune.

-SHE LAUGHS

Morning, Mrs McGoogan. Off to a funeral?

My God, yous are all psychic!

Are you going to a wedding, Mrs McGoogan?

Don't be ridiculous, Buster. Dressed like this?

If it was a wedding, I'd wear a flower.

Hello, son. Are you having a cup of tea?

No, thanks, Ma. Just passing through.

Like the wind through my f... Yes.

What are you promoting this week, son?

-It's a magic show that's on in the Olympia.

-Oh.

The Merlin Magic Show.

"Come see the wizards of old, and some cunning stunts."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's the difference between a magician's wand

and a policeman's baton, son.

A magician's wand is used for cunning stunts.

LAUGHTER AMD APPLAUSE

-What are you supposed to be, son?

-I'm a serf.

Well, you can SERF yourself!

You can SERF yourself! It doesn't matter.

Get yourself some tea, son.

No, we're OK.

So, is Cathy all geared up for her first party?

Dermot, what is this party thing?

I don't know what he's talking about, Mammy.

Cathy was looking for a part-time job at nights,

so I put her in touch with people I know called Tickled Pink Parties.

And how would she earn from that?

Well, she has a party at a friend's house

and at the party she sells them...

Stuff.

Stuff.

Like a Tupperware party.

Well, no.

Yeah, Mammy. That's the one. A Tupperware party.

We'd better go. Right, Buster, come on.

A new tree?

Yes, and look.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year... #

And then you just go...STOP!

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas... #

TREE STOPS SINGING

-Buster sold it to me.

-Did he now?

I've never seen anything like it before.

-I have.

-Where?

At the Merlin Magic Show.

Come on, you. Let's go.

Here, Dermot. I might get a gig at that show.

I did make a tree disappear.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year... #

Stop. Stop!

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Chri... #

Ah!

Ouch!

DOOR CLOSES

-How are you, Mammy?

-Rory, love, hello. Sit down, love.

Rory, what's this expensive thing

that Dino's getting you for Christmas?

-Oh, Mammy! I'm so excited.

-Lovely.

It's the best thing ever.

I just feel so lucky and blessed.

Just buckin' tell me.

Well, do you know what I mean by Botox?

Of course I know what you mean by Botox.

Only me. Forgot my bag.

Yeah, Winnie, not now, love.

Rory wants to talk about his testicles.

Go on, son.

Well, for years now, I've been having Botox injections.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh!

Injections in your Botox?

Why?!

Well, you know, to hide the wrinkles.

Rory, do those wrinkles even matter?

I mean, who the hell is going to see them?

Dino sees them,

and so does everybody else that comes into Wash & Blow.

OK, don't tell me no more, no more.

But the good news is, I won't need me Botox any more.

No more?

Dino's paying for me to have plastic surgery.

-Oh!

-So, no more Botox.

No more Botox?

-And the surgeon said he can transform me.

-Transform?

And he's quick.

One minute he has me on the operating table,

does the business, nip, tuck.

The next minute there's a woman on the table.

In and out.

Woman?

I've got to go.

And don't worry, Mammy, the surgeon's the best in the business,

and it's costing Dino over 3,000 euro.

But as he says, it's a snip at the price.

I'm hungry.

-Order some peanuts.

-Nah.

You know when you get that thing where you want something to eat,

-but you don't know what?

-Yeah.

Oh, Mr Foley, any chance of a quickie?

Winnie...it's pronounced "quiche".

Sorry.

APPLAUSE

A quiche, then.

No. The kitchen's closed.

Agnes Brown, you don't seem yourself tonight. What's wrong?

AGNES SIGHS

Rory's having a sex change.

I had a sex change in 1990.

We used to have sex of a Tuesday, then I changed it to a Friday.

It set me up for the weekend.

Winnie, he's going to become a woman.

No! So how would they do that?

I don't know, but they start by cutting off his Botox.

-Winnie, keep that to yourself.

-Yeah. Sharon...

-Rory's having a sex change.

-Oh, for feck's sake.

I wonder what it's like to be a man.

I haven't the faintest idea.

Do you never imagine what it would be like to be your Redser,

you know, someone with no...

-Job?

-No. No.

-Personal hygiene?

-No jingos.

Jeez, no. I never worried.

Redser's boobies were always bigger than mine.

-Good night, Mammy.

-Good night, son.

Good night, daughter...love.

No, Winnie, I've never wanted to have a man's body.

I was always happy with the body that the good Lord gave me.

Well, I wish it was the same for Rory.

Winnie, hold on, now. It doesn't matter what happens.

Whatever, Rory will still be my child.

I'm lucky. I was born with the body I want.

Not everybody's born with the body they want. And Rory...

Well, his happiness is all that's important.

I suppose. Well, I'll love him, no matter what.

-Thanks, Winnie, you're a good friend.

-Ah.

It's just the thought of somebody fiddling with his bits and bobs.

Mmm. Who's Bob?

-Howya, Mrs Brown?

-Hello, Buster. What are you selling?

-Uh...

-What are they? Oh, fire extinguishers.

E-Exactly. A fire extinguisher. A tenner each.

Not a high price to pay for safety, what?

No. So, do they work?

To be honest, Mrs Brown,

I didn't even know what it was till you said it.

The fella gave me a bag of them

and said if I'd sell them all, he'll give me one free.

-One what?

-I don't know. I hope it's not one of THEM.

So, do you want one?

-Do you know what, Buster? I'll take two.

-Fair enough.

-Guess what.

-What?

Me and Jacko have a new house.

What? When? Where?

Well, Jacko's brother Willy what died, well, he was living in the

family home, and now Jacko gets it, and it's right next to the hospital.

-But, but...

-You know something? I'll get us another round in.

You always bring me luck, Agnes Brown.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Don't I.

You're not seriously thinking of moving home?

Oh, I know what you're going to say, Agnes -

"I'll give you a hand." Well, don't...

-Oh, shit! Sorry. I'm so sorry...

-OK.

I know what you're going to say, Agnes - "I'll help you move."

No, I was going to say, "Let's do it again."

I know what you're going to say, Agnes.

-"I'll help you move."

-No.

-Well, don't give it a second thought.

-I wasn't.

Because Jacko has arranged for two of the hospital porters

-to help us with the move.

-When?

First thing in the New Year.

Oh.

-Can you believe it, Agnes - me moving out of Finglas?

-Mm.

I've been living beside you for...

Ever.

Exactly.

Popping in and out every day, stuck to you like glue in Foley's.

I bet you'll be glad to see the back of me.

Delighted.

Here, what's in the box?

Cathy's Tupperware stuff. She's doing parties now.

-Oh, what kind of stuff?

-The usual Tupperware stuff.

Oh.

Let's have a peek.

Jesus, Tupperware's changed since my day!

My Trevor's on his way here.

Father Damien's picking him up at the airport.

I'm trying to make his favourite -

home-made apple pie and whipped cream,

and I can't find my feckin' whisk.

Where did I leave that whisk?

Cathy's Tupperware.

BUZZING

Hello! I'm home.

-I'm...I'm in the kitchen.

-OVEN BELL DINGS

Oh, now.

It's good to be home, Mammy.

Oh, Trevor! It's so good to see you, love.

Oh, look at you. You've lost weight.

Hello, Father.

Hello. So, you were saying, it's cold in Boston?

You know, it's cold here as well.

I passed a dog the other day and he was stuck to a lamppost.

You know, this reminds me of my childhood.

Oh.

The smell of apple pie just out of the oven

and my mammy whipping the cream.

Just wonderful.

I used to stand beside my mammy and hope that

when she'd finished whipping the cream, she'd let me lick the whisk.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Go on, Father.

Go on.

Excuse me, Damien.

-Mammy?

-What?

-Where did you get that?

Cathy's Tupperware box.

That's not Tupperware and it's not meant for whipping cream.

But what is it for, then?

Oh, Father! Father, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

No problem, Mrs Brown!

APPLAUSE

"Guaranteed to hot things up in the bedroom."

Is it an electric blanket?

I don't think so.

No, thanks.

But how would this stuff hot things up?

I don't know.

-I suppose you'd have to see it on, really.

-Mmm.

The basque doesn't make sense.

I...I like the fishnet stockings, though.

What the hell is going on?! I have to sell those!

You should be ashamed of yourself, selling such filth.

I feel betrayed.

I feel shocked.

I feel good.

How do you think I feckin' feel?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm going home. Sorry, Cathy, love.

-Listen, Mammy.

My boss from the party company is calling here for my sales report

on my first week's parties.

Oh, your sinful earnings from selling those mechanical man bits.

-Do not say that when my boss gets here.

-It's true.

I mean it, Mammy. Do not mess this up on me.

Fine.

Toilet.

Hello!

Hello!

I'm in the toilet!

We're back, Mrs Brown, and the surgery was a huge success.

Oh, great. I can't wait to come out and see it.

For God's sake, Rory, don't just jump about. Go upstairs.

DOORBELL

-Hello.

-I'm Margaret Waters from Tickled Pink.

I'm looking for Cathy Brown.

Yes, right house. Come in.

Cathy, you have a visitor.

Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yes, I would.

-Well, make yourself at home. I'll put the kettle on.

LAUGHTER

Rory!

It's Margaret, actually.

It's Margaret now, is it?

I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Hey, Dino, where's Mammy?

-She's inside with Cathy's party thing boss. Tea, lads?

-Love one.

Amazing.

Are you in any pain?

No.

Good. Amazing. Jump up and down.

Jump!

LAUGHTER

Amazing.

What does it look like?

I'm sorry, but what... LAUGHTER

Mammy, what are you doing?!

It's OK, Rory. I'm just checking.

Mammy, get out here!

Cathy, I was just... Hello, son. I was just...

I can explain everything.

That's nice.

# And a happy New Year We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

-# And a happy New Year... #

-Please make it STOP!

I can't!

I can't find the feckin' switch.

# We wish you a merry Christmas... #

Hold on, I'll just detach the wires.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas... #

Wait a minute. First things first.

# We wish you a merry Christmas... #

I'm turning off the power.

# We wish you a merry Christmas And a... #

SHE SIGHS

Now you're talking.

Howya, Grandad?

Hello, Mrs Brown. I'm here to fit the fire extinguishers.

Work away, Buster. I'll be in in a minute.

But first, a cup of tea.

Is the kettle broken?

Ah, here's the problem. The power's off.

Will I turn it back on?

Oh, yeah.

-ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

-Argh!

Are we all ready for Secret Santa?

ALL: Yes!

Are you all right, Mammy?

Of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be?

Surrounded by my family, and Rory looking so happy.

Good for you.

Feck off!

Well, are we all ready for Secret Santa?

ALL: Yes.

OK. And the first Secret Santa is for...

Me.

Thank you, Secret Santa.

And the second Secret Santa is for...Mark.

Oh, no, wait. That's "Mammy". Me, it's me.

Thank you, Secret Santa. So generous!

And the third Secret Santa...

Hang on. We can probably save several hours here.

Did we all have Mammy on our piece of paper?

ALL: Yes.

Luck of the feckin' draw.

APPLAUSE

-Well, I have only one thing to say to you, Mammy.

-Go on.

Fair play to you. You deserve every present you get.

-ALL: Yes.

-Oh, thank you so much.

Well, now, what we need is a Christmas song.

ALL: Yes!

Oh, we need snow. Snow, hello!

MUSIC BEGINS

# He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot

# And goodness knows he didn't want a lot

# He sent a note to Santa for some soldiers and a drum

# Broke his little heart when he found Santa hadn't come

# In the street he envies all those lucky boys

# Then wanders home to last year's broken toys

# I'm so sorry for that laddie He hasn't got a daddy

# The little boy that Santa Claus forgot. #

Merry Christmas, Granny.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Merry Christmas, Bono!

You know, another year gone.

They seem to go so quickly now.

Hi, Agnes.

Winnie, what are you doing here this hour of the night?

Can I borrow your whisk?

LAUGHTER

No.

-Fine.

-Winnie?

-What?

-Don't move.

Is it a spider?

No. Don't move house.

Don't move house?

Yes. I don't want you to go.

OK.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Good night, Winnie.

-Good night, Agnes.

Merry Christmas. Good night.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown... #

Sev-en!

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Ha-ha-ha!