Incognito Murder in Successville


Incognito

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LineFromTo

Hi, I'm George Shelley.

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You may know me from Union J or the jungle and today I'm going to be

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starring in my own cop drama.

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I have no idea what's going to happen to me, so wish me luck.

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I'm off to Successville.

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'Welcome to Successville,

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'a town full of celebrities.

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'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law

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'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

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'I'm DI Sleet.

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'I've got crime in my DNA.

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'I've got justice in my blood

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'and I've got blood in my stools.

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'I guess I'd better start eating more salad.

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'What am I, a rabbit?'

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Yeah, this is DI Sleet.

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What? Yeah!

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Uh? Well, let me do the calculations on this.

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-Right, Sleet, I've got your new rookie.

-Wait there, sir. Sir, wait.

-Georgie...

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Yeah, I had sex that year.

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-Right.

-Or around then.

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You're kidding me.

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Sleet.

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And you're sure it's mine?

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Thank you very much. Chief.

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-Hello.

-I'm a father.

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Oh, God, the poor child.

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Sorry. Sorry. How unprofessional of me.

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-That's OK.

-What's your name?

-George.

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-George?

-Shelley.

-George Shelley.

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You're not letting go!

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-Have a seat. Have a seat, boy.

-Thank you.

-Shelley, huh?

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-Yeah.

-That's interesting.

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Wow. I'm a dad, huh?

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-Just popped out today?

-No, no, he's nine years old.

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-Oh, really?

-That's the trouble.

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I have no legacy left.

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What are kids into these days?

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Twitter. Instagram.

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-What are they?

-On your phone. They're like apps.

-What's an app?

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-An application.

-Can you make money from them?

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-Yeah, lots of money.

-Really?

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-Yeah.

-What apps make money?

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Think about what you like. Do you like snooker?

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I like snooker. But you know what I like more than snooker? Curry.

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-Curry?

-I like at the end of the day

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to go for a curry and just chillblade.

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-Do you know what I hate?

-What?

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I hate going for a curry on my own.

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OK. So, like a dating app.

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-What do you mean?

-Well, an app where

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people go and they subscribe to it and then you get to see

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other people that don't like going to get curries on their own.

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And then two people who don't like getting curries by themselves can meet up and go for a curry together.

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-Yeah?

-That's brilliant.

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-Do you like it?

-Yes, George Shelley!

-OK.

-I love it!

-You like it.

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What shall we call it? What's a good name for a dating app?

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Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.

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-No.

-Tinder.

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-Tinder!

-Tinder. That's been done.

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-Yeah, but you know what my favourite curry is?

-What?

-Vindaloo.

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-Vindr.

-Vindr!

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Yes, that's amazing!

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Yes, George Shelley. You're a clever little lad, aren't you?

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-Yes.

-Do you know something? Now you're my partner, we're gonna be eating a lot of curry.

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Right, stop pissing about, you two.

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There's been a murder, a really bad one.

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Chief, I'm just about to launch a massive app.

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I don't care. There's a kid.

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He's dead. Yes?

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Hacker, name of Ed Sheeran.

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Chief, I'm straight on it.

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-Good. Good.

-I'm on it, too.

-Yeah? What are you waiting for, then?

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The binmen? Move, move, move!

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So, kid. Are you ready to jump on the great horse of justice

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and ride into a murder case?

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-Are you ready?

-Yeah, let's do it.

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Let us go solve a crime.

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Hey, you know what these are called?

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These stupid flaps?

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Beef curtains.

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Well, well, well, look what we got here.

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I found our body.

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Oh.

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Someone's got to him. He is brown bread.

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Do you know what brown bread is?

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-Brown bread?

-Yeah.

-It's better for you than white bread.

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No, brown bread is police-protocol language for dead.

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Oh! I didn't know that.

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SHOUTING IN GERMAN

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Oh, for crying out loud.

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-Oh, guten morgen.

-Hello!

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Guten morgen, Sleet.

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-Hey, Merkel.

-Hello, hello, hello.

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-Hey, you all right?

-OK, you have me.

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-You have me.

-Oh, oh, hello!

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-You got me?

-You got it?

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Merkel, come on.

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-Oh! You good?

-Can I have a go?

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Hey, George, we're not here for play.

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-George! George!

-Sorry, sir.

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-Get off the machine.

-I can't. It's doing it itself.

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George Shelley, get off that machine at once! Get off that... Stop being silly.

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Off, off, off. Oh, he's so cool!

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-Sorry, boss.

-Both of you.

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-Double the likes.

-It was lovely to meet you. I'm a hugger.

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-Sorry, sir.

-What are you doing?

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-What are you DOING?

-Sorry.

-Sleet, hey,

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how it is up there in the Highlands?

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Is it snowing up where you are?

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-Because he is so tall!

-Yeah, we get it.

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-Because I'm tall.

-Wait, can you see us from down here?

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-Yeah.

-Hello!

-Yeah, I can see...

-What's the weather like?

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Is there an election? What is happening up there?

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-What is happening?

-You know what's happening? I'm getting annoyed.

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Hey, you coming to my bowling party?

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I have made a tournament mit T-shirts und nicknames.

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-I'm not coming to your bowling party.

-Oh, OK.

-I won't be there.

-Oh, ja, ja.

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My fingers are too big. I can't get them in the holes.

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-That's not what I've heard!

-Very funny.

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-Because he's big like a bear!

-Yeah, you know what I have?

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I have a size 12 shoe.

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-Oh, ja, I know.

-And I will bend you over, Merkel,

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-in front of all of your team...

-Yes, please!

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Thank you. I hope so, all my dreams come true in one day.

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Then I will kick you in the arse.

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Oh, even better!

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-You've got big feet, sir.

-You've done it before.

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-Like a clown.

-Oh, ja, like a giant clown.

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Like a clown, Shelley?

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-You know how clowns have the big feet and...

-Ja, ja!

-It's like that.

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-Shut up!

-Sorry.

-Both of you. You absolute pair of wallies.

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You stupid idiots.

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Have you had your fun?

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This boy has been murdered!

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Murdered! And we are standing above his corpse laughing.

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At the size of my feet.

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-How do you feel?

-Sorry!

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-It's really funny.

-How dare you?

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Anyway, look, he has been murdered.

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We should, you know, do that.

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He was murdered at 8pm.

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Ja? Und he was strangled mit this.

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Give me this.

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A robot snake.

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-It's a cable.

-What?

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-It's an ethernet cable.

-Ja, ja.

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-Ethernet.

-Take it.

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-OK.

-Anything else for us, Merkel?

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He liked to video himself, OK.

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I hope he's not naked in this.

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My stomach can't take any more.

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-Here we go. Look. This is the last thing we found.

-He's got some sort of weird twitch.

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-He's very alive.

-In this he is not dead, correct.

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-Yeah.

-Probably cos...

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Worst bit. Look, he's been killed.

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As you can see, the attacker was wearing ze gloves.

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So, we found some things on Ed Sheeran's hard drive.

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This is the logo for the hacking organisation Incognito.

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-OK.

-Ed Sheeran was ein senior member.

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Well, we better hunt down this Ian Cognito.

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Mm-hm.

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Nein. That's just the name of the organisation.

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-Incognito.

-I thought you said Ian Cognito.

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No. He was a member of Incognito.

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-Well, who's Ian?

-There's no-one called Ian.

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There is no-one called... Forget Ian.

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-Nein.

-It's the accent.

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-Ah, ja.

-Yes, it's your stupid accent.

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I can't do anything about it.

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It's just my voice!

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Wait there. Wait there a hot minute, you're forgetting one thing.

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-What is that?

-This.

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-What is that?

-It's upside down, sir.

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-What?

-It's upside down.

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Well, you work it out, you're the brainbox by all accounts.

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Yes, it's D734.

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Or... Oh, George, you're so clever.

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-No, that's not...

-What does that say?

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-Oh, it says help!

-Oh, George, you're so clever.

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-Oh, does it, George?!

-I thought it was upside down!

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-But, look, it's...

-It is also numbers.

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Well, he was probably asking for help.

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-I think this is a big clue.

-Do you?

-Yes. I think this is a clue.

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-If only we got there sooner, we could have stopped the killer.

-Ja.

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Then he would not be dead.

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That's actually quite funny.

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If we got here sooner, he would not be dead.

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All right. You said it once, that's enough.

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Well, I'm going to leave you to it then.

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-You have everything...

-No, we're off. Don't leave us with a dead body. It's creeping me out.

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-So, bowling at seven.

-I won't be there. I can already tell you that.

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OK, just let me know if you're going to turn up like last time.

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-No, I won't.

-No, because I have to order your big shoes.

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And if you want burgers, I'm going to have to order more.

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Lovely to meet you. Twitter me, Whatsapp me, everything.

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Oh, ja, ja, on Twitter.

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-@AngelaMerkel.

-And Snapchat.

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-Come on, then. Let's get to it.

-Yes.

-Let's do it. Let's go.

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-I'm following you, yeah?

-Yeah, you're following me.

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Sheeran had been hacking some big cheeses.

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Not actual cheeses, but big businesses.

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Including Successful Technology Institute.

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We headed over to meet its CEO.

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Shia LeBeouf, please.

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Listen to me. Listen good.

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This guy could have blood on his hands.

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He leads up a big techno company.

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-Yeah.

-Which means what?

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He'll have computer cables.

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-And?

-The ethernet cable that he strangled the guy with.

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-And?

-And...

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It's a perfect place for us to mention Vindr.

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-OK?

-Oh, yeah. That's actually a really good idea.

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Didn't think of that. How are we going to sell it to him?

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Well, I think we need a pitch.

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A confident, cool pitch.

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Yeah. Cool, got it.

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-Be very confident.

-Cool.

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Don't lean. Don't lean.

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Don't do that. You look stupid.

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You look like a big wally brain.

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Welcome to STI.

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-Hello.

-Trust you're both well?

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-I'm George.

-I'm DI Sleet from Successville, Nick.

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I hope both of you are functioning on what we in the industry call

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-full optimisation.

-Yeah.

-Wow, that's a computer joke.

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-OK, I should let you know before we begin the interface...

-Hey! What's...?

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-Why have you got gloves on?

-Yeah, these are patented STI gloves.

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Did you know that there are over 76 different times of germ on a

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touch-phone screen?

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Did you know that worms and caterpillars aren't related?

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I... I didn't know that.

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-Have you got any interesting facts?

-No. I've got some questions for you.

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-Wonderful.

-I need you to answer them truthfully.

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-Of course.

-OK. What do you know about Ed Sheeran?

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He used to work here.

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Um... We had to let him go.

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I mean, if you think we had anything to do with this...

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-I never said that.

-No.

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I was asking the questions. You seem a bit guilty. You're very nervous.

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You need to why what I was doing.

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I have it all itemised here on my digitised device.

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I can tell you minute by minute.

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So, at around 7.35,

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I was down at the gym doing a couple of reps with my personal trainer.

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That lasted 45 minutes and I burned through 135Kcals.

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After that, I was interfacing with some investors and I had a brief

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sojourn to a self-help organisation, of which I am a member.

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After that I had to go and meet the ambassador,

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if you're getting all of this down,

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who had to arrange the GDP which we wanted to talk about for around

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6.5 million to 4.5 million in his country of origin.

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And after that I had an absolutely kick-ass Minecraft session.

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Please don't blink in my presence.

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Every blink unlocks six different types of eyelash.

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Hey, Shia, you like curry?

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-Excuse me?

-Do you like curry?

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I normally stick to things that come in a pill shape.

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-Do you know something? I love curry. It's my favourite thing.

-Yeah.

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We have a really exciting idea for an app.

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-Yeah.

-It's amazing.

-That one.

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It's an application for your phone.

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-You download it off the App Store.

-Vindr.

-And it's called Vindr.

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Vindr. So... Stand up.

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Ever been in a town where you didn't know anyone

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and you wanted to go for a bit of curry?

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-I... I...

-Ever wanted to find somebody new in your life

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and go, "Hey, let's get a curry!"

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This is Vindr!

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You are on your phone and there's nothing to do,

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so you go on the App Store and comes Vindaloo.

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Only 99p on the App Store.

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-Download now!

-It's the best app ever for making friends in different

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-places.

-Yeah.

-Are you looking at cloud integrating this service,

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or is this something you will be having on a need-to-know,

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bit-by-bit basis?

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-Make it cool.

-What sort of demographic might you be pitching towards?

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The 16-25?

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The 25-35?

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All of them. All of them.

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Every one of them.

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-Every age.

-Old people like curry.

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-It's salty.

-It's nice and nice and spicy.

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OK. Do you have a tag line for

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the marketing roll-out that you're looking for?

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If you want spicy food and to meet new people...

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-Yeah, OK.

-And then, like, in a new town that you haven't been to before...

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Just think of someone with a phone like...

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Why don't you just go on Vindr and open the app and then go and like

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-register for it?

-It's less of a slogan than a novella, isn't it?

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On a scale of one to ten...

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-Eight!

-You don't know what he's asking yet. He's just...

-Seven.

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I was going to ask how likely it is that the business will fail within its first quarter.

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-Oh, no.

-Six.

-Six?

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Five. One. Is it one?

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-Is the answer one?

-OK.

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I'm sorry, it is not a product that will work for us in any way.

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-Is that a no?

-It's a categorical no.

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Then you, sir, have made an enemy of me.

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You are not any more involved in my business

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and you are simply a suspect in this murder.

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Thank you for your time, you stupid idiot.

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You're weird.

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Case-wise and investment-wise, Leboeuf had given us nothing.

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Next up, Sarah Millican's Death Corp.

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Sheeran had been snooping in their files.

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A little birdie had told me they made super cool

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and dangerous secret weapons.

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Thank you, my winged friend.

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Oh, well, sorry I didn't knock.

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I just let myself in.

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Gentlemen, welcome to Death Corp.

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Listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

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-I wish you wouldn't.

-Tell me everything about the mega robot.

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-My what?

-The mega robot you're building here.

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-The mega robot?

-You know what he's talking about.

0:12:540:12:56

I promise you, I'll tell you this. There's no mega robot.

0:12:560:12:59

It doesn't exist.

0:12:590:13:00

-Millie.

-No, honestly!

0:13:000:13:02

Because a mega robot would be a stupid idea, wouldn't it?

0:13:020:13:05

Now. If you don't mind, this is getting absurd,

0:13:050:13:07

so what I'm going to do is I'm going to address myself to your superior

0:13:070:13:10

officer here, all right?

0:13:100:13:12

He's the one wearing the uniform.

0:13:140:13:15

Yeah, that's a good joke.

0:13:150:13:17

In this business, the police business,

0:13:170:13:19

the better you are, the less you have to wear a uniform.

0:13:190:13:22

Only buttheads and silly weasels have to wear uniforms.

0:13:220:13:25

And kids on their first day.

0:13:250:13:27

If you've got some serious business, I'd love to hear it.

0:13:270:13:29

We do have some questions to ask you, actually.

0:13:290:13:31

I'd love to hear it from you. Would you like a cup of tea?

0:13:310:13:33

-Yeah, I'll get a coffee, if that's all right?

-Yeah, coffee please.

0:13:330:13:36

-Go and play around.

-Play around?!

0:13:360:13:38

-Find some evidence.

-Play around?!

0:13:380:13:39

-I'll have a walk around.

-He's right, you go and play.

0:13:390:13:41

Right, what do you know about the killing of Ed Sheeran?

0:13:410:13:44

I heard about Ed Sheeran.

0:13:440:13:45

It's very sad...

0:13:450:13:46

What's this? A death switch?

0:13:460:13:49

-That'll be the lights.

-Stop pressing things and just fiddling.

0:13:490:13:52

-You want to switch them back on.

-Yep, there we are.

-Right, thank you.

0:13:520:13:55

That's OK, no worries. At 8pm, where were you on Tuesday night?

0:13:550:13:59

That's classified information.

0:13:590:14:01

If I told you that, pet, I'd have to kill yous.

0:14:010:14:03

So, you're not telling me anything about the mainframe,

0:14:030:14:06

you're not telling me where you were...

0:14:060:14:08

-What's this? Some kind of killing den?

-It's a disabled lift.

0:14:080:14:10

WHIRRING

0:14:100:14:12

I kicked it, it switched off.

0:14:150:14:17

-Are you finished?

-Yes, I'm just having a look around, OK.

0:14:170:14:20

Can you just do it quietly?

0:14:200:14:22

I need to know what the group Incognito means to you.

0:14:220:14:25

-Anything.

-Oh, we've heard of them. They don't cause us much trouble.

0:14:250:14:28

-No?

-Like a fly that we would tread on.

0:14:280:14:30

Oh, so you're bigger than them, more powerful.

0:14:300:14:33

I'm not saying that we've done nothing to them,

0:14:330:14:35

they don't really bother us that much.

0:14:350:14:37

Hey, who's this guy?

0:14:370:14:38

That's Flo. Leave him alone.

0:14:380:14:40

He doesn't move.

0:14:400:14:41

He's got... He doesn't move at all.

0:14:420:14:43

Don't move him. He's meant to stay there.

0:14:430:14:45

But look at him. What is he? Is he a guard?

0:14:450:14:47

-Or a statue?

-Leave him.

0:14:470:14:48

Hi-ya!

0:14:480:14:51

I could break his face.

0:14:530:14:54

Don't break his face, he's a real man.

0:14:540:14:56

Yeah, look, motorboating his big titties.

0:14:560:14:59

Do you even realise how many ways he could kill you?

0:14:590:15:01

Yeah? Could he kill me now?

0:15:010:15:02

Look at that. Look.

0:15:020:15:04

-Got his dick.

-He is quite funny, come on.

-Got it...

0:15:040:15:07

-No, you're not funny.

-OK, look, George, George.

0:15:070:15:09

Look at this. What does it look like I'm doing?

0:15:090:15:12

He won't respond. Flo, you're doing very well.

0:15:120:15:15

Under very trying circumstances.

0:15:150:15:17

-What have we got here?

-They're just blinds.

0:15:170:15:19

-Don't do that.

-Are they inside?!

0:15:200:15:22

Yeah, they're inside the two panes of glass.

0:15:220:15:24

Whoa, that's very cool.

0:15:240:15:25

I know, it's impressive, isn't it?

0:15:250:15:27

Hey, what if...?

0:15:270:15:28

GUNSHOTS

0:15:280:15:29

Bulletproof, huh? Bulletproof.

0:15:320:15:35

That's cool.

0:15:350:15:36

Do you feel proud of yourself now?

0:15:360:15:38

Do you feel more like a man?

0:15:380:15:39

Getting to pull your trigger.

0:15:390:15:41

Yeah, I did, actually. Makes me think clearer.

0:15:410:15:43

Made me feel sick.

0:15:430:15:45

Did it? Hey, what's that?

0:15:450:15:46

Some kind of secret file?

0:15:460:15:47

No, it's Kate from accounts' leaving card.

0:15:470:15:50

-Did you want to sign it?

-I don't know her.

0:15:500:15:51

She's a very nice lady.

0:15:510:15:53

And here are the minutes from your meeting at 20:00 hours yesterday.

0:15:530:15:56

Why don't you pop off, gentlemen?

0:15:570:15:59

Before you feel the need to blow your load again.

0:15:590:16:02

Come on, let's go, George.

0:16:040:16:05

Don't get shot on your way out.

0:16:050:16:08

Do you want to hear some good news?

0:16:100:16:12

-Yeah.

-Something cool.

-What?

0:16:120:16:15

That might blow your little mind?

0:16:150:16:16

-Yes.

-I had my friend Barnaby Krum come up with...

0:16:160:16:21

A early prototype of Vindr.

0:16:210:16:25

What?!

0:16:250:16:26

Don't touch. Look with your...

0:16:260:16:28

-Look with your eyes, not your hands.

-That's amazing.

0:16:280:16:30

I've typed in my first...

0:16:300:16:32

my first person. Whitesnake.

0:16:320:16:35

That's Whitesnake here, look...

0:16:350:16:37

-Whitesnake.

-Yeah. I mean, it's a match.

0:16:370:16:39

I don't know what to say to him.

0:16:390:16:41

-Shall I say...?

-Cool.

-I know.

0:16:410:16:42

Look. What do you like, plain or pilau rice?

0:16:420:16:45

That's what I've put.

0:16:450:16:47

-I just did it. I just did it.

-Just go for it.

0:16:470:16:49

-Oh, man. This is so fun.

-PHONE CHIMES

0:16:490:16:50

Oh, he's... Oh, you'll never guess what he said.

0:16:500:16:52

What did he say?

0:16:520:16:54

"All of the above and more."

0:16:540:16:55

-PHONE CHIMES

-Oh! Oh, he's written back.

0:16:570:16:58

What does he say?

0:16:580:16:59

"It's going to be SPICE to meet you."

0:16:590:17:01

This guy is cool, right?

0:17:030:17:04

He seems like he's going to be so much fun.

0:17:040:17:06

-He's got really good banter!

-Yeah.

0:17:060:17:08

-What shall we say? Think of something.

-Um...

0:17:080:17:10

"Can you find me OK or do you need my madras?"

0:17:100:17:13

What about that one? Is that OK?

0:17:130:17:16

I'll put that. I'm just putting it...

0:17:160:17:18

Frig it. Frig it off.

0:17:180:17:19

-Madras!

-He's still not said anything.

0:17:190:17:21

It looks like he's walking towards us.

0:17:220:17:25

Do you know, this is one of the most exciting things in my life.

0:17:250:17:28

My app works and I'm meeting somebody

0:17:280:17:29

who seems like they're going to be so cool.

0:17:290:17:31

Let's hope he doesn't bhaji you off.

0:17:310:17:33

-What did you say?!

-I hope he doesn't bhaji you off!

0:17:340:17:36

"Hey, you're not bhajiing me off, are you?"

0:17:360:17:38

-KNOCK AT WINDOW

-Evening all!

-Evening.

0:17:390:17:42

This is Sid Lowecroft. He's the office idiot.

0:17:420:17:44

-No-one likes him.

-The office idiot.

-Yeah.

-What do you want?

0:17:440:17:47

You just told me to come down, didn't you?

0:17:470:17:49

No, I was talking to... Talking to someone on...Vindr.

0:17:490:17:51

Is this your Vindr date?

0:17:510:17:53

-It better not be.

-Yeah, I'm on Vindr, yeah.

0:17:530:17:55

Doing my first match. Nice one.

0:17:550:17:57

You're Whitesnake 16?

0:17:570:17:59

Yeah. Sid. I'm...

0:17:590:18:00

Who's he, by the way? Who are you?

0:18:000:18:02

-George.

-George. My partner. New partner.

0:18:020:18:03

He's not coming, is he?

0:18:030:18:05

Yeah, he is coming.

0:18:050:18:06

He's my new partner.

0:18:060:18:07

-I can wait in the car.

-I thought the whole point

0:18:070:18:09

was it's supposed to be for two people.

0:18:090:18:11

No. It could be... It's my app. I designed it.

0:18:110:18:13

It can be for, like, 100 people.

0:18:130:18:14

Well, if it's more than two people, it's a curry club, innit?

0:18:140:18:17

Sid, what do you know about curries and clubs and dates?

0:18:170:18:19

-Just leave it at...

-You designed what?

0:18:190:18:21

-Sorry, hang on. You designed it?

-This is my app. I designed it.

0:18:210:18:23

-Everything. The protocol...

-Doesn't work very well. Bit glitchy.

0:18:230:18:26

Oh, I'm sorry, Sid, it's not good enough for you(!)

0:18:260:18:29

Unbelie... I don't want you...

0:18:290:18:30

Delete the app right now from your phone.

0:18:300:18:32

I'm considering coming off my own app

0:18:320:18:34

because you're the other person on it.

0:18:340:18:36

That's genuinely, like...

0:18:360:18:38

It's actually... You've ruined Vindr,

0:18:380:18:40

cos you're on it. Who even told you about it?

0:18:400:18:42

-I don't want him to come.

-So are we going for a curry or not?

0:18:420:18:45

Yes. Where do you want to go? Azad's?

0:18:450:18:46

-Azad's.

-Azad's, we'll go there.

-Not with him. Sorry, but...

0:18:460:18:49

Yeah, you can come.

0:18:490:18:51

-How long have you known him?

-Well, like...

0:18:510:18:53

Sorry, I'm talking to you, mate.

0:18:530:18:55

How long have you known him?

0:18:550:18:56

Sid, you know, actually,

0:18:570:18:58

this is the most investigating I've ever seen you do.

0:18:580:19:01

And you've been in the police for 15 years.

0:19:010:19:03

I've never seen you ask any of these questions.

0:19:030:19:05

-Not my fault, mate.

-You know what?

0:19:050:19:06

Maybe if you paid a little more attention to bloody solving crimes

0:19:060:19:09

than eating curry, this place would be...

0:19:090:19:11

-Just do the window up.

-Seriously.

0:19:110:19:13

Come on. I've just left Big Debbie in the pub.

0:19:130:19:15

Go back and meet her. You deserve each other.

0:19:150:19:17

-Who's she?!

-Oh, just some loser he's seeing.

0:19:170:19:20

'Stupid Sid had put me off curry.

0:19:200:19:22

'Next up, our final suspect, silly banker Jeremy Kyle.

0:19:220:19:26

'He'd been hacked by Sheeran - but had he killed him?'

0:19:260:19:29

-Let's do this.

-Let's do it.

0:19:290:19:30

Well, kid. This is it.

0:19:330:19:34

We're going to see Jeremy Kyle.

0:19:340:19:36

-Yes.

-But this is a shark tank, kid.

0:19:360:19:39

So we need to go in deep undercover.

0:19:390:19:42

I'm going to be international Texan oil billionaire,

0:19:420:19:46

Brock Wonderpenis, and you are going to be my business advisor.

0:19:460:19:51

Jean-Paul Smith.

0:19:510:19:53

Jean-Paul Smith.

0:19:530:19:55

You're Swiss - can you do a Swiss accent?

0:19:550:19:56

"John-Paul Smith."

0:19:560:19:58

"Jeen-Paul Smuth."

0:19:580:20:00

"Jan Paul Smiff."

0:20:000:20:01

"John...!"

0:20:010:20:03

"J...!"

0:20:030:20:04

"John Paul Schmith."

0:20:050:20:08

"Joh..."

0:20:090:20:11

Shh.

0:20:110:20:12

Take a second, boy.

0:20:120:20:14

-What languages can you do? What accents?

-Any.

-No, you can't!

0:20:150:20:17

You just tried Swiss for half an hour.

0:20:170:20:19

I can be an Australian John Paul.

0:20:190:20:20

-Is Australian going to make you happy?

-Australian can...

-OK.

0:20:200:20:23

-I'll be Australian.

-You're my Australian business...

0:20:230:20:25

-Your Australian business partner...

-Who is weirdly called John Paul.

0:20:250:20:28

-And I'm here to solve a crime, sir.

-Don't worry about the crime thing.

0:20:280:20:31

-I really want to pitch Vindr and get some money for Vindr.

-OK.

0:20:310:20:34

-Ready?

-I'm ready.

-Let's do this.

0:20:340:20:36

Let's do this. Let's go.

0:20:360:20:38

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Wow!

0:20:410:20:43

what a cool office.

0:20:430:20:45

I'm Brock Wonderpenis, Texan oil billionaire.

0:20:450:20:47

Hi. Jeremy Kyle. Aroused to meet you.

0:20:470:20:50

This is my sidekick-friend-partner.

0:20:500:20:53

Yeah, cool.

0:20:530:20:54

Did you spit on my floor?

0:20:540:20:55

Yeah. Do you want me to get John Paul to clear it up for you?

0:20:550:20:58

No. I like it. It shows balls to spit on a man's floor.

0:20:580:21:00

Oi, what did you say his... Oi, don't YOU do it.

0:21:000:21:02

I said he could do it, not you.

0:21:020:21:04

-What's his name again?

-Introduce yourself.

-John Paul Smith.

0:21:040:21:06

Right, button it, unless I talk to you.

0:21:060:21:08

He's not my partner in a sensual way.

0:21:080:21:11

-We're not boyfriends.

-Yeah, we're just business partners.

0:21:110:21:14

Here to do some business.

0:21:140:21:15

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah? Nice to meet you.

0:21:150:21:17

I'm glad you've sat yourselves down without even being asked.

0:21:170:21:20

Yeah, that's how I roll.

0:21:200:21:21

-Stand up again.

-Really?

0:21:210:21:23

Yeah, stand up again.

0:21:230:21:24

-Do we have to?

-Yeah. I want you to stand now.

0:21:240:21:26

-OK.

-Right, sit your butts down, gents. Thank you.

0:21:260:21:29

Ahh! Wow, that's a nice chair.

0:21:290:21:31

Yeah, it is. They're wonderful chairs.

0:21:310:21:33

-You're big kahunas, are you?

-Oh, yeah. We're the biggest kahunas.

0:21:330:21:36

I've never heard of you. How come's that, then?

0:21:360:21:38

You've got a very dusty desk.

0:21:380:21:39

Shut your mouth, you. When people come in here,

0:21:390:21:41

you know what I get them to do?

0:21:410:21:42

I get them to make business noise.

0:21:420:21:44

-That's what I like. Business noise.

-I like a business noise.

0:21:440:21:46

-Ready to make some business noise?

-Like fighting talk.

0:21:460:21:49

Not like fighting talk. Like a business noise.

0:21:490:21:51

-Like a ring noise?

-Compadre.

0:21:510:21:53

Make a business noise for me.

0:21:530:21:54

-Nngh!

-Louder.

-NNGH!

-Come on, louder!

0:21:540:21:57

-Argh!

-You, Brock Wonderpenis, Your turn.

0:21:570:22:00

-RARGH!

-Oh, this is sexy!

0:22:000:22:02

Oh, I love it!

0:22:020:22:04

WHOO!

0:22:040:22:05

Well, we're sexy guys.

0:22:050:22:06

Yeah, you're sexy guys.

0:22:060:22:08

-I get myself all wound up.

-Yeah.

0:22:080:22:09

Better take something to calm down.

0:22:090:22:11

Oh, that will do it. That'll do it.

0:22:110:22:14

I love you, you powdery bitch.

0:22:140:22:15

-You absolutely love that shit, don't you?

-Whoo!

-Yeah.

0:22:150:22:18

You're snorting that up like it's a...

0:22:180:22:20

-Like it's going out of fashion, aren't you?

-Argh!

0:22:200:22:22

HE CHUCKLES

0:22:220:22:24

I was just thinking,

0:22:240:22:25

I was just thinking about a time that me and my

0:22:250:22:29

-compadre here...

-Mm.

-Yeah, we got so high, we were crazy off our heads

0:22:290:22:33

-with, with...

-Drugs.

-..drugs, and... I went scuba diving.

0:22:330:22:37

-And I swam to the bottom of the sea...

-Uh-huh.

0:22:370:22:39

..and I head-butted a shark in the face.

0:22:390:22:41

And broke its... And broke its nose.

0:22:410:22:43

-And I ripped its fin off.

-Oh, yeah? You know what?

0:22:430:22:45

That sounds like the time I snorted a kilo of weedkiller

0:22:450:22:47

and had anal intercourse with a weather girl.

0:22:470:22:49

Can't remember which one. Could have been any of them.

0:22:490:22:52

-HE YAWNS

-Boring, boring.

0:22:520:22:54

What a boring story. Have you finished with it yet?

0:22:540:22:56

Yeah, I have finished.

0:22:560:22:57

-Tell me something you've done, then, that's big.

-OK.

0:22:570:22:59

Yeah, I'll tell you. (I had sex with China.)

0:22:590:23:01

I had sex with China. With China?

0:23:010:23:03

-A person called China, or the whole country?

-Whole country, all at once.

0:23:030:23:06

You know what? I was out all last night.

0:23:060:23:07

You know where I was? No bloody idea. Haven't a clue. Yeah?

0:23:070:23:10

That's unbeatable!

0:23:100:23:11

I like you two, though. Yeah?

0:23:110:23:12

Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good eggs with us today.

0:23:120:23:15

Some real party animals. I like these guys.

0:23:150:23:17

These are my type of guys. Hit me! What's your proposal, yeah?

0:23:170:23:19

But I warn you, I'm not interested in playing with small fry.

0:23:190:23:22

Well, it's the biggest idea you're going to hear

0:23:220:23:25

this side of Christmas.

0:23:250:23:26

Tell me about it, then. Come on.

0:23:260:23:28

-Well, hey...

-Do you like curry?

0:23:280:23:30

Yeah, I like curry. Come on.

0:23:300:23:31

It's an app.

0:23:310:23:33

It's an app called Vindr.

0:23:330:23:34

I think it's a brilliant idea.

0:23:340:23:36

-We only need... How much? How much?

-Sh, sh, sh!

0:23:360:23:39

Shut up. Shut up. Button it, you. And you, shut up.

0:23:390:23:42

-Do you like curry?

-Shut up.

0:23:420:23:44

I like it.

0:23:440:23:46

I REALLY like it.

0:23:460:23:48

Hell, yeah! Let's steal it!

0:23:480:23:51

Whoa, no, no...

0:23:510:23:52

Come on! We're going to steal it, aren't we?!

0:23:520:23:54

Er... No. Just...

0:23:540:23:56

I've got all the way up on the table, OK?

0:23:560:23:58

So it'd better be good. Come on.

0:23:580:24:00

The guy who invented it is a really sweet guy, you know,

0:24:000:24:02

and life's been a bit hard on him recently.

0:24:020:24:04

We don't want to get on the wrong side of him.

0:24:040:24:06

Yeah, that's what I was...

0:24:060:24:07

I don't care about that. We'll change the name and steal it.

0:24:070:24:10

-His lawyer won't be able to touch us.

-He will. He's his lawyer.

0:24:100:24:12

He is the lawyer of these guys.

0:24:120:24:14

Let's get serious.

0:24:140:24:15

Come on. Some big cash injections for you and your curry app.

0:24:150:24:18

How about we say £3 million?

0:24:180:24:20

-Oh, deal. Deal! Deal! Shake on it now.

-No, no, no, no...

0:24:200:24:23

Shake on it now.

0:24:230:24:24

What about £3,500,000?

0:24:240:24:27

Fine. £3,500,000.

0:24:270:24:29

Exactly. Thank you.

0:24:290:24:31

But say it with me. Say it with me, OK?

0:24:310:24:33

£3.5 million.

0:24:330:24:35

ALL: £3.5 million.

0:24:350:24:38

Now, we're bloody talking! Now we're bloody talking!

0:24:380:24:41

Let me just log in to my computer and get the contracts all drawn up.

0:24:410:24:44

Hang on. Oh, no. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

0:24:440:24:47

Oh, no. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

0:24:470:24:49

I can't remember my God-blasted password.

0:24:490:24:51

Will this affect the deal, if you can't?

0:24:510:24:53

Yeah, it will affect the deal if I can't find my password,

0:24:530:24:55

cos I can't put the contracts through, can I?

0:24:550:24:57

Susan! What's my password?

0:24:570:24:59

-D734.

-Fine.

0:24:590:25:01

Right, fine. There. That's done.

0:25:010:25:03

Contracts will be in your inboxes in un secunda -

0:25:030:25:05

deal's as good as done.

0:25:050:25:06

Well, thank you very much, Mr Kyle.

0:25:060:25:08

-Ow!

-Pleasure doing business with you.

0:25:080:25:10

Pleasure doing business with you, too.

0:25:100:25:12

-Hey, gents. Look at this.

-Ooh!

-Yeah?

0:25:120:25:14

Can I take some of that home with me,

0:25:140:25:16

-just a little...?

-Do you know what, Brock Wonderpenis?

0:25:160:25:18

Help yourselves. You stay here. Enjoy yourselves.

0:25:180:25:20

Cos I've got an urgent doctor's appointment,

0:25:200:25:23

something about my heart. Probably nothing.

0:25:230:25:25

Ta-ta, you shitters!

0:25:250:25:26

'To catch a killer, you have to be clever, handsome and punctual.

0:25:280:25:31

'I organised a fake incognito press conference,

0:25:310:25:34

'using Sid Lowecroft as bait.

0:25:340:25:36

'Hopefully the murderer would strike again

0:25:360:25:38

'before their secrets were revealed.'

0:25:380:25:41

-ON RADIO:

-The target is in position.

0:25:410:25:43

The target is in position.

0:25:430:25:46

Target? I'm not a target, am I?

0:25:460:25:47

Yeah, Sid, shut up. Shut up, you'll give us away.

0:25:470:25:49

You will give us away. Right, you ready for this?

0:25:490:25:52

I've got it.

0:25:520:25:53

Cue Sid, I repeat, cue Sid.

0:25:530:25:55

Good evening, evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are...

0:25:550:25:58

Kyle's going for something. LaBeouf is going for something.

0:25:580:26:01

Millican is going for something.

0:26:010:26:04

Take the shot, kid. Take the shot!

0:26:040:26:06

GUNSHOT

0:26:060:26:08

What the...?

0:26:080:26:10

Well done. Right, quick. Follow me.

0:26:140:26:16

We need to get down there asap.

0:26:160:26:17

Everybody freeze.

0:26:190:26:21

That's an official police killing.

0:26:210:26:23

-I'm DI Sleet.

-Oh, God.

0:26:230:26:24

Oh, God. Oh, God.

0:26:240:26:27

What is that?

0:26:270:26:28

That's Sarah Millican, sir.

0:26:280:26:30

She just took a bullet from George Shelley.

0:26:300:26:32

-Did you, George?

-Yes.

0:26:320:26:34

-Care to explain why?

-There's quite a few reasons.

0:26:340:26:36

First reason is, she wouldn't tell me where she was

0:26:360:26:39

at eight o'clock on the night of the murder.

0:26:390:26:41

And then I realised when we came out of the lift,

0:26:410:26:43

on the walls it said D734,

0:26:430:26:46

which was written on the post-it note in Ed Sheeran's desk,

0:26:460:26:48

and I think he hacked into their mainframe,

0:26:480:26:50

and then I asked her what they did at Death Corp -

0:26:500:26:52

as if Death Corp isn't an obvious name itself to kill someone,

0:26:520:26:55

and then, when I told her, she said, "If I tell you,

0:26:550:26:57

"I'm going to have to kill you." So, I think he hacked in,

0:26:570:26:59

-she had to kill him.

-Wow!

0:26:590:27:00

That's brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant.

0:27:000:27:03

I'm very, very impressed on how unbelievably stupid you are!

0:27:030:27:08

You child!

0:27:080:27:09

You pathetic excuse for a human being.

0:27:090:27:12

The person you should have shot was Jeremy Kyle.

0:27:120:27:15

-Yeah?

-Hey, what are you doing?

0:27:150:27:16

Jeremy, will you still invest in Vindr?

0:27:160:27:19

Do one! Get your hands off me.

0:27:190:27:21

-Damn it!

-You were absolutely right, George.

0:27:210:27:23

Yes, the note did say D734, not "help".

0:27:230:27:27

Yes? But D734 was the password to Kyle's computer.

0:27:270:27:32

What's my password?

0:27:320:27:34

D734.

0:27:340:27:35

And Jeremy Kyle didn't have an alibi.

0:27:350:27:37

I was out all last night.

0:27:370:27:38

You know where I was? No bloody idea. Haven't a clue.

0:27:380:27:40

Millican did have an alibi. Yeah?

0:27:400:27:42

Here are the minutes from your meeting at 20:00 hours yesterday.

0:27:420:27:45

God Almighty!

0:27:450:27:47

I've come across things growing on petri dishes with more intelligence

0:27:470:27:51

than you, you twat!

0:27:510:27:52

What have you got to say for yourself!

0:27:540:27:56

Can I at least be coffee boy?

0:27:560:27:57

No, you can't be,

0:27:570:27:58

because the police department hasn't got the resources

0:27:580:28:02

to continue wiping your arse for you.

0:28:020:28:04

We've already got one big baby.

0:28:040:28:07

Go home, the pair of you.

0:28:070:28:08

Oh, well, kid. What am I gonna say?

0:28:080:28:11

Accidents happen.

0:28:110:28:13

You got it wrong.

0:28:130:28:14

-Move on with it.

-What about Vindr?

0:28:140:28:16

Vindr's dead in the water.

0:28:160:28:18

We don't have any money now,

0:28:180:28:19

but we have a friendship that is beginning to blossom.

0:28:190:28:22

Hey, fancy a Ruby Murray?

0:28:220:28:24

-Let's do it.

-I hope they take bullets instead of cheques.

0:28:240:28:28

Hey, Lowecroft. Pick up your shit. You're coming with us.

0:28:300:28:32

MUSIC: I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston

0:28:340:28:37

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