Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes Murder in Successville


Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hi, I'm Emma Bunton, a Spice Girl and a radio presenter

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and today I'm going to be starring in my very own cop drama.

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I really don't know what to expect, so wish me luck.

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I'm off to Successville.

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Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

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Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law, and,

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when they do, I'm here to take down.

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I'm DI Sleet and if I was a dog, I'd be an Alsatian called Kevin -

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hairy, slick, with sharp teeth and halitosis,

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and my bite would be worse than my bark

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and that's a fact.

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MUSIC: La Donna e Mobile from Rigoletto by Giuseppe Verdi

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-What's going on?

-Oh, hello, Chief.

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I am simply writing my memoirs.

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They are a collection of stories, some of my best cases.

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It's an absolute sizzler, a rip-roarer.

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Well, I wouldn't wipe my twitching arse with it.

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I've got a new rookie for you.

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Bunton!

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-Hello, darling.

-Hi.

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This is DI Sleet.

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Sleet, this is Emma Bunton.

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She is as pure as the driven snow.

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-Yes?

-Yes.

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Right, so, try not to melt her, Sleet, yes?

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Put that in your fucking book.

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Take a seat.

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-Hi.

-How are you doing, all right?

-Nice to see you. Yeah, good, thanks.

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-You as well, you've a nice manner about you.

-Thank you very much.

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Think you're ready for this life?

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I'm... I'm ready, yeah.

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You think you could be badass?

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Yeah, I can be badass.

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Let me tell you something, Emma, you know,

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I've been out there on those streets for too long, busting wise guys,

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cracking heads, so I started writing my memoirs.

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Yeah, got some good stories in here.

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"I saw this guy, he was deranged,

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"he looked at me and his eyes had deranged in them.

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"I said, 'You look deranged' and he said, 'I'm not deranged',

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'and I pushed him over and he said, "You're the deranged one."

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-That's as far as I got with that one.

-I quite like that one.

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Do you?

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Shall we write a story about us and our first meeting?

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-Yeah.

-OK.

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-You... You...

-You want me to start?

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-Yeah.

-OK. I walked into a room and met a rather large man...

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-A tall...

-Tall what?

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-A tall man. A rather tall, large man.

-Tall man.

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-Handsome.

-Yeah.

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"I was impressed."

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OK, yes.

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-I wasn't that impressed.

-What?

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-I like...

-What do you mean you weren't?

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I like what you're writing, but it's not that impressive.

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No, not about the writing, about me.

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-Oh.

-This is like a foreword for my book.

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-OK.

-"I was impressed."

-I was impressed.

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-"By..."

-By his...glasses.

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Oh, thank you! "By his glasses."

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I like that, that's a nice thing.

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-This is actually one of my favourite chapters already.

-Good.

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Well, have you got any questions for me about police work?

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OK, do I need a gun?

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I... I'm so sorry.

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-Oh, for Christ's sake.

-I'm so sorry to break up the little book club,

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but there's been a murder, yes, up in North Successville.

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Detective James May has been murdered.

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If there's one thing I hate, it's cop-killers.

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What about you, Bunton?

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-Yeah, me too.

-Right, good. Get your arse in gear, then,

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or else I'll staple it to the desk and shit on you.

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Chop chop.

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Don't be jumpy, Bunton.

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You did scare me a bit then.

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Don't worry. To your feet.

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Let's head to North Successville and catch a cop-killer!

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Badass Bunton.

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Badass Bunton it is.

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We headed north.

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Waiting at the other end was May's partner, DI Clarkson,

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and Chief Of Police Nigella Lawson.

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DI Clarkson, I'm DI Sleet from the big city, or the Big Smoke,

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as you country dwellers call it.

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-This is...

-PC Bunton.

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How are you feeling, buddy?

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Pretty bad. This is one of the worst things that's happened to me

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in my entire life.

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-Should we get some information? I'll take some notes.

-Yes, right.

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So, this is what they did to my partner and my friend.

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We're pretty sure the blows came from a left-handed individual.

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Oh, I hate left-handed people!

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-I hate them.

-Well, I do now.

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Oh, that's horrible. That's gruesome!

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They removed his head and his feet.

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Hey, imagine if they had taken his knees and his shoulders.

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Then they'd have taken his head, shoulders, knees and toes,

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-knees and toes.

-I don't... I don't understand. Why would they...?

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-It's just a rhyme.

-Is it?

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-You must have heard the song.

-No.

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #

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No. What is that? Is it a pop song?

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-It's a nursery rhyme.

-Yeah, they play it at kids' parties.

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-All right, OK.

-I mean, you wouldn't want to show this to a kid.

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No, I wouldn't show that to anyone's child.

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That's pretty bad.

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Hello, hello!

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Stand up, Bunton, stand up.

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Hi, hello, hi, I'm PC Bunton.

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-PC Bunton.

-Nice to meet you.

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Hi. DI Sleet.

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DI Sleet. Oh, I am so excited

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that we have a couple of blue wings from the Big Smoke helping us out!

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Well, I could have solved this one on my own, Chief Lawson.

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-I told you that.

-Jeremy, darling, don't be rude to our guests.

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They are here to help.

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-He's been a bit of a grumpy guts since we've been here.

-Oh, really?

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-Yeah, he has.

-Jeremy!

-Well, he's upset, I think.

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Well, he's actually been rude.

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Please, don't judge us all on his grim, frosty welcome.

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We are a very hospitable bunch up here in the North,

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so if you need anything, please...

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-I'll need your number.

-I will give you my number.

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I'd love to have it on my phone!

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-Sleet, was it?

-Yeah, that's my name, don't wear it out.

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I won't. Sleet is my...

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it's my favourite kind of storm.

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Oh, yeah, there's a storm raging, a raging, hot storm.

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Yeah, I feel that hard storm coming my way.

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Oh, it's going to come... all over your face.

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-OK...

-Yeah, shall we go now?

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-Come on.

-Help yourselves to jumpers and...

-Oh, we will.

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The file said Detective May was investigating Ian McKellen,

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a local fisherman who was selling illegal dolphin meat.

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Something smelled fishy,

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so we headed to the docks where something smelled fishy.

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Listen, as far as I'm concerned,

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there is no more noble trade than that of a seaman.

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Remember, seamen can be slippery.

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THEY STIFLE GIGGLES

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Let's get out, let's do it.

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HE HUMS

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# With a yo-ho tiddly tiddly tum-tum yo-ho tiddly tum... #

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I know you're there.

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I can feel your presence.

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Ahoy there, your sea-ness.

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Hello.

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Hello! Who are you?

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I'm DI Sleet, this is my partner.

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PC Bunton.

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I'm not looking for any crew.

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-Yeah...

-Thank you anyway, I need to get back to my rope.

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Yeah, well... Leave the rope, old timer.

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-What?

-Leave the rope.

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-What?

-I'm not looking to join a crew.

-Who are you?

-What?

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-Who are you?

-I'm DI Sleet from...

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Hey, I've been through this!

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I'm not looking to join a crew.

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My leg has gone funny.

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-Oh, God.

-We're investigating the murder of James May.

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I'm not looking for any crew. I've told you already.

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Listen to me, listen! Hey!

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-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Listen!

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-Who are you?

-I'm PC Bunton.

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I'm not looking for any crew.

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Oh, for crying out...

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-Stupid...

-I can't deal with this, this guy is doing my brain in.

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Listen, are you OK to deal with this?

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I'm going to go and have a look around for some evidence.

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Oh... OK.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah, OK.

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Excuse me? Hello?

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-Who's there?

-Hi, I just wonder if I could ask you...

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-Who are you?

-I'm...

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What are you doing here? Are you here to clean my boat?

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No, I am PC Bunton, I'm here...

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Johnny! Is that you, Johnny?

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-No...

-Johnny!

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-How wonderful to see you, Johnny!

-No, it's...

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-Your wonderful face, so young!

-No, I'm Emma. Bunton. PC Bunton.

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They told me you were dead, Johnny.

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-Can I ask...

-They said you drowned out in the sea.

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Can I ask you a few questions?

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Remember the song we used to sing?

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No, I don't.

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# Tiddly tum-tum tiddly tee... #

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Sing with me, Johnny.

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# Tiddly tum tiddly tee...

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# Tiddly tum-tum... #

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You're a funny little chap, aren't you?

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I need to ask you this question. Did you know...

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-Did who know? Me?

-Detective...

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No. Did you know Detective May...

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-Yes, I knew Detective May, he came round here...

-..was going to...

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Let me finish. He came round here, asking his questions, Johnny.

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Questions. Like you - questions, questions, questions.

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Questions, questions, questions.

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-Questions.

-Yes.

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Shut up, you bitch!

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Shut up!

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It's all gone, Johnny.

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I can't take it any more, Johnny!

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HE SOBS

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OK. It's all right.

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What the hell have you said?

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I was looking around, I got myself an ice cream.

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-A what?!

-I had a quick ice cream, I was hungry,

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we'd been driving for ages.

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-What the hell have you said? Why is he like this?

-Who are you?

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I'm DI Sleet, you clown. What the hell has happened here?

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-Have you met my grandson?

-I keep asking...

-Have you met my grandson?

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Your grand... What?!

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We have the same eyes, you see.

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You do, you have the same eyes. Are you related to him?

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-Don't be ridiculous.

-What do you mean? How dare you!

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-You're being ridiculous.

-I'm not being ridiculous. He said...

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-Are you his grandson?

-You're being ridiculous, you big twat.

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-Right, is he being tricky?

-He's being tricky.

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-OK, do you know how we deal with tricky people in the force?

-How?

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We deal with them like this.

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Come here, you!

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Now listen to me! Listen to me!

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-Help me, Johnny.

-She's got a question.

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Did you know that Detective May was trying to stop your lucrative

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dolphin-meat business?

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Did you? Did you know?

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Dolphins? Can't stand dolphins!

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Do you know what we call them out on the ocean?

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No. What do you call them?

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The paedophiles of the sea.

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That's how much we hate them!

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Love them or hate them,

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it's still illegal to slaughter them and sell them as food.

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We know that you've been doing that down at Katy Perry's diner.

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What have you got to say about that?

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Hold my gun. Hold my gun and threaten him with it.

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That's it, that's it.

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How about I hold you by your nuts?

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You like that?

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Leave Little... Leave Little Ian alone.

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Please.

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Now what have you got to say?

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All right, I sold the dolphins.

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I sold them, I took some round the diner the other day.

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Hands up to it.

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But I'm not a murderer...

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..just a fisherman.

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-He's not, is he?

-Where were you...

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What do you mean? You're just going to take his word for it?!

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-Sorry.

-Put that gun in his face!

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Put it in his face!

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# With a yo-ho piddly piddly pom-pom... #

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Get out of here! Come on, Bunton.

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-Remember we're in town now, McKellen. Stay out of our way.

-Yeah.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Storm's coming, Detective.

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Better get back to the mainland where it's safe.

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So, McKellen was passing on the dolphin meat to Katy Perry.

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We headed over to her diner for our evening supper

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and some undercover work.

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That's better, that's good, OK.

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Oh, God, this is...

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-This is nice.

-Yeah.

-Listen...

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I'm going to have a little look around the kitchen,

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-see what I can find out, see if there's any evidence in there.

-OK.

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What I need you to do, you keep her here.

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-OK.

-Are you all right with that?

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-Yes.

-She's coming, she's coming.

-I know, she's right there.

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THEY LAUGH

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-EMMA AND KATY:

-Hi.

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Here's y'all menus.

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Hey! Y'all boys from out of town?

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I ain't seen you round here before and I know everybody.

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I guess it's my business to know.

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How very observant!

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Yeah, we are... I'll actually make a note of that

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in my restaurant critic's notebook.

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Y'all are restaurant critics?

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-Yes.

-Dang it, that's the cat out of the bag.

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Well...

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SHE LAUGHS

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That's so lovely. Hey, I'd better get you a drink.

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On the house, but of course!

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I'd love a White Russian.

0:13:140:13:15

OK. And for you?

0:13:150:13:17

Glass of water, just a glass of water, she's...

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-It's her first...

-No, I want something stronger.

0:13:190:13:22

-Just have a glass of water.

-OK, wat...

-Water's fine.

-Water, please.

0:13:220:13:25

Tap or sparkling?

0:13:250:13:27

Oh, sparkling, please.

0:13:270:13:28

-I've only got tap.

-Tap's fine.

-Tap's fine.

0:13:280:13:31

That's the tap.

0:13:320:13:33

Everyone up here is so jolly and lovely, aren't they?

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Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

0:13:390:13:40

Well, you know, we have a lot of clowns in Northern Successville.

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My second-second-second cousin, he was a clown.

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He never took his make-up off, even when he shot himself.

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Laughin' till the end.

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-Wow.

-Wow.

-That's a horrible fact.

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Yes, it is.

0:13:580:13:59

I'm sorry to say, Miss Perry, official restaurant critic business.

0:13:590:14:03

I need to have a little look around your kitchen.

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-Is that OK?

-Why, of course, stranger.

0:14:060:14:08

-You gots to do your job, ain't you?

-Thank you very much.

0:14:080:14:11

Hey, Joe! Joe!

0:14:110:14:12

Make sure you show this kind gentleman round the kitchen.

0:14:140:14:17

Let him see everything he needs to see.

0:14:170:14:19

Can I just ask one question?

0:14:190:14:20

-Yes.

-Has Joe touched the food?

0:14:200:14:22

No.

0:14:220:14:24

We don't let him touch anything.

0:14:240:14:26

-OK.

-That yoghurt pot, it's his comfort.

0:14:260:14:29

-He's got his tongue right up in there.

-Yeah.

0:14:290:14:32

It's the only way to stop him from screaming.

0:14:320:14:34

-Wow.

-OK, well, I'll see you in a bit.

0:14:340:14:38

Stay away from Joe.

0:14:380:14:39

OK, what are you going to have, sweetie?

0:14:410:14:43

I was thinking, maybe I could get like...

0:14:430:14:45

like a Kahlua.

0:14:450:14:47

-A Kahlua?

-Yeah, does that...

0:14:470:14:48

Well, you're pretty fruity!

0:14:480:14:50

Does that... Whoa.

0:14:510:14:52

-Does that, um... Lots of ice.

-Yeah.

0:14:520:14:55

I'd like lots of ice, please, yes.

0:14:550:14:57

-It's pretty cold today, but OK.

-I'd like lots of ice. Sorry...

0:14:570:15:01

What?

0:15:010:15:02

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-May I say, you have a sexy and delightful kitchen.

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Well, thank you.

0:15:060:15:08

I'll get that ice.

0:15:090:15:10

I've bitten off more than I can chew...

0:15:140:15:16

-What's up?

-She is scary as hell.

0:15:160:15:17

Well, guess what I found when I was in the kitchen.

0:15:170:15:20

This.

0:15:200:15:21

Also, I found a nappy that I am assuming is Big Joe's.

0:15:210:15:25

It was full.

0:15:250:15:26

Oh, disgusting!

0:15:260:15:28

Yeah. Found this.

0:15:280:15:30

Oh, piss off!

0:15:320:15:34

Yeah. It's James May's disgusting, withered, dirty old foot.

0:15:340:15:38

Hey!

0:15:380:15:40

What...? What?

0:15:400:15:42

Is that a foot?

0:15:420:15:43

I know one from anywhere.

0:15:430:15:45

Hey, I did not... It came in with the deliveries,

0:15:450:15:48

it ain't got nothing to do with me.

0:15:480:15:49

OK, I believe you. Thanks.

0:15:490:15:51

-Here you go.

-Did you order yourself a drink?

0:15:510:15:53

-Yes.

-It's a Kahlua in the disguise of a White Russian.

0:15:530:15:57

-We actually have to go, I'm afraid.

-Yeah, we should go now.

-What?

0:15:570:16:00

No, no, no, please don't tell me that foot put you off our food.

0:16:000:16:03

I'm afraid... I don't want to be known as a fussy britches,

0:16:030:16:07

but finding human body parts in my food really throws me off.

0:16:070:16:11

I'm sorry. That's just me. We'll probably only give you one star.

0:16:110:16:14

-One star?

-I'm just going to say this and I'm going to say it once.

0:16:140:16:18

We've got a saying up in Northern Successville.

0:16:180:16:22

If the weather doesn't take you, them woods will.

0:16:220:16:25

OK?

0:16:260:16:28

Next morning, I got a call from Nigella Lawson

0:16:300:16:33

and whilst I discreetly played with my plonker through a hole in my pocket,

0:16:330:16:37

she told us Clarkson had been killed.

0:16:370:16:39

You know what, if I'm going to live here,

0:16:420:16:44

I'm going to have to get a bigger car

0:16:440:16:45

with all these big hats and coats, that's for sure.

0:16:450:16:48

OK, tread careful, all right?

0:16:490:16:52

Look who it is over there. OK, Bunton, I'll try a cooler walk.

0:16:520:16:55

-Don't walk like that, then. You look stupid.

-What?

0:16:560:16:59

Oh, thank God you're here!

0:16:590:17:01

Hey, girl! Here we go.

0:17:010:17:03

-Hey, baby. Hey, darling.

-Oh, no!

0:17:030:17:05

He was shot straight through the heart!

0:17:050:17:08

Hey, don't you dare cry!

0:17:080:17:09

No, I'm sorry. It's just a huge loss to my whole department

0:17:090:17:13

and all of Northern Successville.

0:17:130:17:15

Well, guess what, honeybee?

0:17:150:17:17

Me and Badass Bunton are on this case, so...

0:17:170:17:20

You know, I don't want to jump the gun

0:17:200:17:22

-and throw my load all over your face...

-I'd like that.

0:17:220:17:25

-Oh, would you?

-Yes.

-Oh, not this again!

0:17:250:17:27

-What again?

-Stop flirting with each other, it's revolting.

0:17:270:17:30

OK, Emma, if you find it so revolting,

0:17:300:17:32

maybe you'd like another little task.

0:17:320:17:34

-Pull his trousers up, he's putting me off my stride.

-I'm not...

0:17:340:17:38

Emma, I'm not doing it, I'm a senior officer.

0:17:380:17:40

You pull his trousers up.

0:17:400:17:41

-I can't...

-She is a chief officer!

0:17:410:17:44

Bunton, for Christ's sake!

0:17:440:17:46

Sorry, sorry.

0:17:460:17:48

-Oh, it's fine.

-Come, come, come here.

0:17:480:17:49

-Bunton, I'm trying to have sex with Nigella.

-I know.

0:17:490:17:54

How undignifying is it if I've got to pull up another man's underpants?

0:17:540:17:58

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah, oh, I should probably...

0:17:580:18:00

You might have thought that we were talking about...

0:18:000:18:02

-He wants to have sex with you.

-Oh!

0:18:020:18:04

THEY LAUGH

0:18:040:18:06

-Really?

-It's like taking my nine-year-old kid out, with you,

0:18:060:18:09

you cheeky little scamp.

0:18:090:18:11

Listen...

0:18:110:18:12

I want to kiss you on the mouth.

0:18:140:18:15

-Oh, God.

-I'd like that.

0:18:150:18:17

And I want to stroke your hair.

0:18:170:18:19

It would make me feel very, very important.

0:18:190:18:21

You are important.

0:18:210:18:23

Hey, chalk it up.

0:18:230:18:25

One more thing in my friggin' life.

0:18:250:18:27

I want to have kids with you.

0:18:270:18:28

Sleet, no.

0:18:280:18:29

See, I'm the kind of G the little homies want to be like.

0:18:290:18:33

That's just me. I'm going to buy you flowers every day.

0:18:340:18:38

Stop it, you don't need to do that.

0:18:380:18:39

Different flours - wholegrain, gluten-free -

0:18:390:18:42

so you can make different cakes.

0:18:420:18:44

That's what women do. And I'll eat those cakes.

0:18:440:18:46

I need to... I need to get back and file the report.

0:18:460:18:49

You get back to work, sweet lady.

0:18:490:18:50

I want you to draw a picture of me.

0:18:500:18:52

-I will.

-You'd better.

0:18:520:18:55

And you, you wrap up warm, Detective.

0:18:550:18:58

There's a storm coming.

0:18:580:19:00

Two cops down and one more suspect to go.

0:19:000:19:03

Louis Walsh.

0:19:030:19:04

He was being investigated by May for illegally hunting.

0:19:040:19:07

Walsh was a former cop that got sacked over corruption

0:19:070:19:10

and he'd been living feral in the woods ever since.

0:19:100:19:12

Oh, my...

0:19:160:19:18

-Quick, Bunton, get in there.

-Oh, my goodness, this is horrible!

0:19:180:19:21

Bunton, have a little look around,

0:19:210:19:23

see if you can find some clues in this place.

0:19:230:19:25

We might have just stumbled upon what looks like an animals' morgue.

0:19:250:19:29

Would you want to live here?

0:19:300:19:31

No, it's horrible, I really don't like it.

0:19:310:19:33

-Oh, God!

-What's wrong with you, Bunton? You are such a snob!

0:19:330:19:37

I'm not a snob! I don't like stuffed animals!

0:19:370:19:40

All right! Jeez!

0:19:400:19:41

Listen, I'm going to have a look around outside,

0:19:420:19:44

see if we've got anything out there. You look for some clues in here.

0:19:440:19:47

You're going to leave me here, with these?

0:19:470:19:49

-What, are you scared?

-Yeah, I don't like it.

0:19:490:19:52

You'll be fine, Bunton.

0:19:520:19:53

OK, yeah, I know I'll be fine. Go.

0:19:530:19:55

-What do you mean, go?! That's very flippant!

-Get out.

0:19:550:19:58

Oh, God, that's horrible!

0:20:040:20:06

SAVAGE HISSING

0:20:090:20:11

Oh, my God, I don't like it! I really don't like it!

0:20:110:20:14

Hi. Um...

0:20:160:20:17

HISSING

0:20:170:20:19

-Oh, my goodness!

-Shush. Shh, shh, shh.

0:20:190:20:22

-You don't talk to me.

-Why?

0:20:220:20:25

You were meant to keep watch, Benjamin.

0:20:250:20:28

Can I not trust you to do anything? Can I not trust you to do anything?

0:20:280:20:32

HE SOBS

0:20:320:20:34

-It's OK.

-Don't talk to me.

-Why?

0:20:350:20:37

-You don't even look at me.

-OK.

0:20:370:20:39

You only speak to Benjamin. Do you understand?

0:20:390:20:43

Tell him who you are and what you want from me.

0:20:430:20:46

I'm with DI Sleet, he's around somewhere.

0:20:460:20:48

You're the police.

0:20:480:20:49

-Yeah.

-There's only one thing I hate more than a policeman -

0:20:510:20:54

that's a policeman's mummy for shitting him out of her fanny.

0:20:540:20:58

The police chewed me up and spat me out.

0:20:580:21:00

-Can I ask you a few questions?

-Sh.

0:21:000:21:02

I can smell a little bit of your wee-wee.

0:21:040:21:06

Can you smell it, Benjamin?

0:21:060:21:09

Shall we let her stay?

0:21:090:21:10

-I think I want to go anyway.

-Benjamin says he likes you.

0:21:110:21:14

He says he thinks he's in love with you.

0:21:150:21:18

-Oh...

-Sit yourself down. You want...

0:21:180:21:20

You want me to introduce you to some of Benjamin's friends?

0:21:200:21:23

This little fellow over here,

0:21:240:21:27

he's called Ol' Dirty Bastard from the Wu-Tang Clan.

0:21:270:21:29

That's Wagner. Fucking idiot.

0:21:300:21:33

Do you know who this little fellow is?

0:21:340:21:35

-No.

-Do you know who this little fellow is?

-No.

0:21:350:21:37

-Do you want to know what I call him?

-Yeah.

0:21:370:21:40

I call him my cock garage.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, my God!

0:21:430:21:44

I'll leave you to get to know the friends.

0:21:460:21:48

Benjamin, are you hungry?

0:21:480:21:50

-No, I'm fine...

-I've got some pork scratchings.

0:21:500:21:53

Well, I say they're pork scratchings,

0:21:530:21:55

they're a little bit more toenaily than that,

0:21:550:21:57

but I scrubbed them before I cut them, I fucking promise.

0:21:570:21:59

I know you're going to like it.

0:21:590:22:02

And I've got you some other stuff in here that I don't think

0:22:020:22:05

-you'd really...

-Oh, it smells!

0:22:050:22:08

I don't want it!

0:22:080:22:10

I'm sorry, I know that's not very...

0:22:100:22:12

hospitable, I just...

0:22:120:22:14

Eat your food! I made food for you!

0:22:140:22:18

I made the food for you!

0:22:180:22:19

-No, thank you so much...

-She won't eat the food, Benjamin!

0:22:190:22:23

Benjamin is getting a little bit sleepy.

0:22:240:22:27

-Good. Is he going to go to sleep now?

-I think he is.

0:22:270:22:29

I tell you what, it works really well as hair gel, as well,

0:22:290:22:33

for Benjamin.

0:22:330:22:35

Don't get much company up here in the woods.

0:22:360:22:38

No, you're on your own here, are you? Yeah, OK.

0:22:380:22:42

Can I ask you a few questions, do you think?

0:22:420:22:44

-You've got something on your mind.

-Why do you live up here on your own?

0:22:440:22:47

I don't have a choice.

0:22:470:22:49

Why?

0:22:490:22:50

They took away my hunting licence.

0:22:500:22:53

It's all I had in the world! All I had was my hunting licence

0:22:530:22:56

-and they took it away from me!

-Who took it away from you?

0:22:560:23:00

They got what's coming to them. I tell you that.

0:23:000:23:02

DOOR OPENS

0:23:020:23:04

Jesus creeper, that is cold out there, I've got to say.

0:23:040:23:07

Auntie Claire! What have you done to my Auntie Claire?

0:23:070:23:10

I don't know, it jumped out on me, I just shot it.

0:23:100:23:12

LOUIS WAILS

0:23:120:23:14

You've done a bad thing, cop.

0:23:140:23:16

You've done a bad thing and you're not welcome for tea and cake.

0:23:160:23:19

I don't want tea and cake, you fucking weirdo.

0:23:190:23:21

-You can't have any anyway.

-What is this? You're walking around town

0:23:210:23:24

with this thing, a deer dressed in women's clothing?

0:23:240:23:26

A man needs some affection out here in the woods.

0:23:260:23:29

I'm going to take her to hospital.

0:23:290:23:30

They'll fix her up and she'll be right as rain

0:23:300:23:33

and we'll be rutting this time tomorrow.

0:23:330:23:35

Fucking door!

0:23:360:23:38

-Oh, my God!

-What the hell was his story?

-Oh, my God!

0:23:400:23:44

He is intense, huh?

0:23:440:23:45

I asked him a few questions, he gave me nothing.

0:23:450:23:47

-What do you mean? You're a cop!

-He's absolutely crazy.

0:23:470:23:50

Do you want the bad news?

0:23:500:23:52

The storm's coming in.

0:23:520:23:54

We're going to have to bolt down here for the night.

0:23:540:23:56

Oh, piss off!

0:23:560:23:58

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:24:000:24:01

Oh, Bunton...

0:24:010:24:04

You are silly!

0:24:040:24:05

You've been sweet, you've looked after me, thank you.

0:24:050:24:07

-It's my job, you know, Bunton.

-Thank you very much.

0:24:070:24:10

Well, you've also thawed this old ice warrior.

0:24:100:24:13

I have a bit, haven't I?

0:24:130:24:14

-Life, eh, Bunton?

-I know.

0:24:150:24:17

-I know.

-Sometimes it's just nice sitting by a fire.

0:24:170:24:20

-It is.

-Do you think that...?

0:24:210:24:23

BANG AND CLATTER

0:24:230:24:25

Jesus! What the hell was that?

0:24:250:24:26

That's not good, Bunton. That ain't good at all.

0:24:280:24:31

Wait here, I'm going to go and check outside.

0:24:310:24:33

Oh, my God! Don't leave me in here.

0:24:330:24:34

-I don't want to be in here on my own.

-I'll leave you the gun.

0:24:340:24:38

-OK?

-OK.

-Right.

0:24:380:24:40

Don't be long.

0:24:410:24:43

Hey!

0:24:440:24:46

Who's out here?

0:24:460:24:47

What do you want from us?

0:24:490:24:51

Who bangs upon my door?

0:24:510:24:52

Begone!

0:24:540:24:55

Head to the woods!

0:24:550:24:57

We have no need for you here.

0:24:580:24:59

GUNSHOT

0:24:590:25:01

Oh, my God!

0:25:010:25:02

HE GASPS

0:25:030:25:05

Sleet?

0:25:090:25:10

-Bunton, Bunton!

-Oh, my God!

0:25:100:25:13

-Bunton...

-Oh, my God!

-Bunton, get over here.

0:25:130:25:16

Get away from the door, Bunton.

0:25:160:25:17

-My God!

-Get away from the door.

0:25:170:25:19

Oh, God, Bunton.

0:25:190:25:22

What... Oh, my God!

0:25:220:25:23

-Oh, my God!

-Bunton...

0:25:250:25:27

Oh, my God! What do I...

0:25:270:25:28

HE COUGHS

0:25:280:25:31

Oh, my God! What do I do, what do I do?

0:25:310:25:34

-Oh, no!

-They got me, Bunton.

0:25:360:25:38

They got me.

0:25:380:25:39

Oh, my God.

0:25:420:25:43

I guess this is it, huh?

0:25:450:25:47

No, no, no, it can't be!

0:25:470:25:48

Comes to all of us, Bunton.

0:25:480:25:50

No, you can't die! What about the next series?

0:25:500:25:53

Well, I guess it's just going to have to be somebody else

0:25:530:25:56

who takes the reins, Bunton.

0:25:560:25:57

-What the hell is going on there?

-What's going on in there?

0:25:570:26:01

They're out there, they've come for us, Bunton.

0:26:010:26:03

-Oh, my God.

-You need to take them out.

0:26:030:26:06

Whoever you think killed the cops in this town and then killed me,

0:26:060:26:10

you've got to take them out, Bunton.

0:26:100:26:12

Oh, my God!

0:26:120:26:14

Go, Bunton. Go, girl.

0:26:140:26:17

You can do this.

0:26:170:26:18

Is everything all right, Johnny? We came as quick as we could.

0:26:190:26:23

We heard a gunshot.

0:26:230:26:25

-Emma...

-Oh, my God!

-Emma, listen,

0:26:250:26:27

it's been a hell of a ride.

0:26:270:26:29

Finish my book for me, yeah?

0:26:300:26:32

Take...

0:26:330:26:35

the shot...

0:26:350:26:36

..and shout the killer's name.

0:26:370:26:39

Katy!

0:26:390:26:40

SIREN WAILS

0:26:450:26:48

Look after my boy Joe.

0:26:480:26:51

What the fuck is tha-a-a-a-at?

0:26:510:26:56

Who did this?

0:26:560:26:57

-Me!

-Bunton!

0:26:570:26:59

Come here! Explain yourself.

0:26:590:27:02

Why Perry?

0:27:020:27:03

Because I went to her... I went to the diner and she had

0:27:030:27:07

the foot there and her weird son, I thought was helping,

0:27:070:27:10

and then she said to be careful in the wood.

0:27:100:27:13

Right. That is completely confused reasoning.

0:27:130:27:17

It wasn't Perry!

0:27:170:27:18

It wasn't her!

0:27:180:27:20

It was him! It was McKellen!

0:27:210:27:23

He's the killer. Take him away, boys.

0:27:230:27:26

-I'm innocent!

-Take him away.

0:27:260:27:28

-I'm not looking for any crew.

-You evil old bastard!

0:27:280:27:30

Of course it was McKellen.

0:27:300:27:32

You were looking for a left-handed killer, yes?

0:27:320:27:35

McKellen was left-handed, he had a hook.

0:27:350:27:37

Perry was right-handed.

0:27:370:27:38

McKellen was selling dolphin meat because his business was struggling.

0:27:380:27:42

Didn't you see the for sale signs down at the docks?

0:27:420:27:46

He told you that he'd made a delivery to the diner.

0:27:460:27:50

I took some round the diner the other day.

0:27:500:27:52

That's when he planted that foot.

0:27:520:27:55

Bunton, Bunton, the air up here has made you stupid.

0:27:550:27:58

-Shit!

-What have you got to say for yourself?

-Oh, shit.

0:27:580:28:01

Tell me something!

0:28:030:28:05

I...

0:28:050:28:06

messed up. Shit!

0:28:060:28:08

I've come all the way up here and it's cold

0:28:080:28:11

and the cold makes me weepy.

0:28:110:28:12

-Oh, shut up!

-No, you shut up!

0:28:120:28:15

And as for you, you great...

0:28:150:28:16

Where is he? Where's Sleet?

0:28:160:28:19

You need to come and see.

0:28:190:28:20

MUSIC: Hurt performed by Johnny Cash

0:28:200:28:22

# What have I become

0:28:220:28:23

# My sweetest friend

0:28:250:28:28

# Everyone I know

0:28:300:28:34

# Goes away In the end

0:28:340:28:38

# And you could have it all

0:28:400:28:43

# My empire of dirt

0:28:460:28:49

# I will let you down

0:28:510:28:54

# I will make you hurt. #

0:28:560:29:00

# I wear this crown of thorns

0:29:110:29:15

# Upon my liar's chair

0:29:170:29:20

# Full of broken thoughts... #

0:29:220:29:25

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