Naming Names QI XL


Naming Names

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI,

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where this week the name of the game is Naming Names.

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There's an old Chinese proverb that says,

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"The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names."

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So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.

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A household name - Romesh Ranganathan.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd.

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-Ahh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And old what's-his-name -

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Alan Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK?

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So that's... If you've not played that game,

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it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.

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So Phill goes...

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BASS RIFF

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-GRAVELLY MALE VOICE:

-'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.'

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That's quite sexy. Very sexy.

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I don't know how much you paid that bloke,

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but I'd have done that for nothing.

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-And more convincingly.

-Well...

-That sounded like you found

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an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there.

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-What was the name?

-Schroeder Swan.

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Oh, yes. No, that's very good.

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Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog.

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Right.

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He used to attack Jock, our barman.

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You had your own barman? I don't want to know.

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We haven't started the show yet.

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Cariad goes...

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BASS RIFF

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-SULTRY FEMALE VOICE:

-'Hello. I'm Snuffy.

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'Snuffy Storey.'

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-And...

-It does, though, mean you can now...

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You can access my bank account, I think.

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-That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there.

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

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Romesh goes...

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BASS RIFF

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-REEDY VOICE:

-'Oh, hello. It's Goldie Silveragi.'

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-CARIAD:

-Why didn't you get a sexy voice?

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-Why've

-I

-been given that one?

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It's quite camp.

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And Alan goes...

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MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White

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-NORTHERN VOICE:

-'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!'

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it?

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-It suggests a certain...

-It's very farming-specific, isn't it?

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I'm not really good with my hands but... "Nobby" Stiles!

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Now, here's my first, very simple question.

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Who is offended by what?

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Oh, God, everybody by everything.

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Yes, well, there is that.

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Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately

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-is offended by it.

-Yeah.

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-Do you tweet?

-I do tweet. Yeah, I do.

-Right.

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But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know...

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-controversial.

-What do you do?

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Just the colour beige, or...?

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No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls

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-cutting hairs with crab hands.

-Right.

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-ROMESH:

-Well, that's...

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The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like,

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that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be.

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You tweet about porridge and somebody goes,

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"Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident

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"many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive.

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"I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings

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"of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents

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"in their childhood."

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-Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of...?

-Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.

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-"Who is offended by what?"

-Yes.

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Um...Doctor offended by Daleks.

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Er, doctor is the right area.

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-But not Doctor Who.

-Oh.

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It is to do with doctors.

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Generally medical practitioners?

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It is a large organisation.

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Think of it as an acronym.

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World Health Organization.

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The World Health Organization. Absolutely right.

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And they're offended by What

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which is the World Health Annual...

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-CARIAD:

-Trust?

-ROMESH:

-..Transportation convention.

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No.

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They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people

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and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.

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So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.

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It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.

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People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.

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Legionnaires' disease.

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There's not a legionnaire in the world

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not been distressed by the thought.

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Oh, I know one, Essex wind.

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It's awful, innit, Phill?

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Terrible. It blows right up your Thames corridor.

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Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine...

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I don't know who that would offend. People called Creutzfeldt?

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Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended.

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Swine flu, apparently.

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Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.

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-Mrs Swine.

-Mrs Swine?

-Mrs Swine is upset about it.

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I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish

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which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much,

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right?

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I can't see how anyone would be offended by that. Apparently...

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Staggering home sideways, crabs, hey?

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Paralytic.

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I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs

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if you're staggering sideways but...

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I'm doing a crab playing the piano,

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I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers.

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Why am I doing that with my fingers? It's that, isn't it?

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The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress.

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So, for example, if you called something sudden death syndrome,

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that's just too frightening.

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Hold on a sec. If you're about to die imminently,

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you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.

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-No.

-If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes,

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-you can't just go, "You've just got the chills"...

-Yeah.

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..because you don't want them to be upset.

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No, but here's the thing,

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doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.

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There's SBI,

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which is "something bad inside".

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And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong,

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not entirely sure what it is.

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SVBI - "something VERY bad inside".

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Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.

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Which I like.

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There's loads for fat people. There's CBT,

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which is "chronic biscuit toxicity".

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The other best one for fat people is BW.

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"Beached whale".

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.

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"Patient reassured and told to F off".

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APPLAUSE

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There used to be loads of occupational diseases.

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Certain diseases that were entirely...

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Miners' cough.

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Yeah, miners' lung.

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Joggers' nipple.

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Joggers' nipple, yes.

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The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum.

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-What?!

-Yep. Chimney-sweep's scrotum.

-What...?

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Well, he should put the fire out!

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-LAUGHING:

-Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus!

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Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing.

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It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes,

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you can get a sort of horrible microbe.

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Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.

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Do you know what I mean?

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Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it?

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I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam.

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Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there

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and if you poke the sweep up...?

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I'm just guessing.

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Poor Dick Van Dyke.

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-AS DICK VAN DYKE:

-"Oh, Mary Poppins,

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"me scrotum's playing me up something rotten.

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"Step in time!

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"ARRRRGH!"

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That was the subplot they never managed in the film.

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# A spoonful of... #

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That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that!

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APPLAUSE

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Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly?

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So, anyway. Can you tell me what this bird's name is?

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Is it a wagtail?

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It is not a wag...

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What I really want is I want its actual name.

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Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel?

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Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you.

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-Ooh!

-Yeah.

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See if you can come up with the actual name.

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HE PLAYS A TRILL

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Oh. That's better than mine.

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SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER

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Oh, here we go. "..said Tiny Clanger."

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Oh, you've got lots of different ones.

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CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING

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ALAN PUFFS

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HE LAUGHS

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The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.

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THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION

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What is going on?

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What are you doing?

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It's just my ears popped.

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HONKING CALL

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Is that a duck call?

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It's supposed to be a duck. A duck call. Sounds like a...

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HALF-HONK AND PUFFING

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Try the littlie.

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HONKING CALL Hang on!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well... THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE

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..it could be any one of these tunes.

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Here is the extraordinary thing.

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This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name -

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it's called a superb fairy-wren.

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-Ah!

-Isn't that the sweetest thing?

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And every single nest has a family name.

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So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother

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when the kids are all in the eggs

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and what she does is she lays the eggs

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and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs

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and she starts singing a unique tune. So it might be...

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GASPING TWEETS

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..better than that.

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What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi?

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UPBEAT TWITTERING

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THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE

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Can I...?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes,

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over and over, for a week.

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Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy.

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My daughter does that with Let It Go.

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Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing with it.

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I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test.

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Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg,

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they actually hear it and they commit it to memory,

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and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune. It's a unique tune.

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# Waterloo... #

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I don't think there are lyrics.

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What happens is she goes away and gets food,

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when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune

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that they all know and they have to sing it back to her

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and that way she can be absolutely sure

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there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.

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So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.

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-That is amazing.

-That really is amazing.

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-But if they were people...

-Yeah.

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..how annoying would they be to have round for dinner?

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Unbelievably irritating.

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"Andrew, shall we do our song?

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"We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children.

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"Let's do it, shall we?"

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They're not even real, I'm going to leave!

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I knew a family that did that.

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They had a whistle and in the supermarket,

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the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back.

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No, darling, that's the Von Trapps. That's a film.

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They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.

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My mum would summon me home by whistling.

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-Seriously?

-Yeah.

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She taught me how to do it with the two fingers.

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HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

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-Wow.

-Now, I could hear that, er...

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three miles away.

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So me and me brother would be playing with mates

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and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time,

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my mum would go out the back door and go...

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HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

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-And then we would...

-Wow. That is a seriously good whistle.

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-We would come back.

-One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester?

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-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-And I had to get a train...

-Yeah.

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..and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that,

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and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards

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and he did that and it braked.

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-PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES

-And he did a U-turn and came back.

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-ROMESH:

-Oh, was the taxi driver your mum?

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APPLAUSE

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Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary,

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it isn't just birds who do this.

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Horses also do this. They have a signature whinny.

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Wow.

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Serious.

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-Has the picture budget been slashed?

-Yeah.

-Why...?

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That's from Horses And Orthodontistry.

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I'm so allergic to horses

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-that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture.

-Seriously?

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I don't think it's an allergy. That photo is terrifying.

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He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES?

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"THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES!

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"AAAAARRRRGH!"

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That's the mother horse going,

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"WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!"

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"KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!"

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That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.

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So, here's the thing. Horses have signature whinnies.

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So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? -

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in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by

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and goes out of sight behind a barrier.

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Alan notices that and...

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You're being Alan the horse?

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..goes back to eating. If, when Shergar is behind the barrier,

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scientists play his identifying whinny,

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Alan won't really pay any attention.

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If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse,

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Alan gets really freaked out because he knows

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that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard.

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This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do.

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So horses have a signature whinny and dolphins as well.

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PHILL MIMICS A DOLPHIN

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Flipper's here. There's two children down a mine shaft!

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A dolphin taxi is going to come through now.

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They meet at sea, dolphins, and one of the very first things they do

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is to introduce themselves with their unique whistle

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and then when they hear someone calling that unique whistle,

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-they answer with the same whistle so it's sort of...

-Wow.

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-.."I'm here" kind of thing.

-Oh, dolphins.

-I know.

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-Are they nice, really?

-Well, I once swam with wild dolphins,

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I've never been more terrified in my life, frankly.

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Wrens, horses and dolphins all give themselves names.

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Who sold seashells on the seashore?

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Is it someone who's got no idea

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about the laws of sort of supply and demand?

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APPLAUSE

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Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells,

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and lots of people who wanted to buy them. So who...?

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-The answer is "she", isn't it?

-KLAXON

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Yay!

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Er, well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme?

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-Do you know the rhyme?

-She... No, I can't, because I've got a lisp.

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Ah!

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What a fantastically mean thing to do to you.

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Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it!

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-CARIAD:

-She sells seashells on the seashore.

-Mm-hm.

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And then she goes home again. I don't know the second bit.

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The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure

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For if she sells seashells on the seashore

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Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

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-Wow.

-Is the full rhyme.

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AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much. Oh, yes.

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APPLAUSE Oh, yes.

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-That is not...

-I know, I know!

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That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction

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to a tongue twister.

0:16:270:16:29

And it is "Ooooh!"

0:16:290:16:32

That's what we think of articulate people.

0:16:340:16:37

"Ooooh!"

0:16:370:16:39

I didn't know we had that in our make-up.

0:16:430:16:46

So "she", but who was "she"?

0:16:460:16:48

The woman who sold seashells?

0:16:480:16:50

Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man

0:16:500:16:54

made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably

0:16:540:16:57

a prostitute who died of syphilis?

0:16:570:16:59

Well...

0:17:010:17:02

That turned Dickens really quickly.

0:17:040:17:07

-That was...

-I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.

0:17:070:17:11

-"..and then she got syphilis."

-It's like those nursery rhymes...

0:17:110:17:13

-What a dark place your head is, Cariad.

-Yes, it's very dark.

0:17:130:17:17

It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis.

0:17:180:17:20

-Aargh!

-"Aargh!"

0:17:200:17:22

Have you had that seizure or do you want me to get somebody...

0:17:220:17:24

-No.

-..or are you all right?

0:17:240:17:26

-No, no, it's the...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES

0:17:260:17:28

-..Dorset lady...

-Yeah.

-Bless you.

0:17:280:17:30

We're a caring, sharing show.

0:17:300:17:32

It was the Dorset lady.

0:17:330:17:35

-She's a killer! Look at the weapon!

-There she is.

0:17:350:17:37

She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she?

0:17:370:17:39

-The first whole...?

-She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.

0:17:390:17:42

She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.

0:17:420:17:45

-Mary Anning.

-Oh, she's the fossil hunter -

0:17:450:17:47

-she's all over the Natural History Museum.

-Yeah.

0:17:470:17:49

All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible.

0:17:490:17:51

She was very brave, because it's very dangerous.

0:17:510:17:53

That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray.

0:17:530:17:55

-She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.

-Well...

0:17:550:17:58

I can't tell if the dog is already...

0:17:580:18:00

"And now I shall make a fossil!"

0:18:000:18:01

Bang! Bang!

0:18:040:18:06

"Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up."

0:18:070:18:11

I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.

0:18:150:18:18

It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it.

0:18:180:18:21

In a landslide caused by...?

0:18:210:18:23

Well, it is... I don't know if you...

0:18:240:18:27

-She found HUGE fossils.

-Yeah.

0:18:290:18:31

She is really an extraordinary woman.

0:18:310:18:34

And her findings absolutely made important changes

0:18:340:18:36

in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s,

0:18:360:18:39

lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen,

0:18:390:18:41

cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.

0:18:410:18:44

But she, in fact, discovered the very first

0:18:440:18:47

ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified,

0:18:470:18:49

the first two plesiosaur skeletons

0:18:490:18:51

and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.

0:18:510:18:54

She also found... I'm going to give you some examples. She found these,

0:18:540:18:58

and she's the very first person who worked out what they are.

0:18:580:19:00

So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.

0:19:000:19:04

Do you know what that is?

0:19:040:19:06

Oh. This is...

0:19:060:19:07

£9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop.

0:19:070:19:09

Is this dinosaur shit?

0:19:100:19:13

It is. It is absolutely that.

0:19:130:19:15

OK. Now I feel weird.

0:19:150:19:17

These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd.

0:19:190:19:22

But, um...

0:19:220:19:23

That's amazing.

0:19:250:19:27

People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones,

0:19:270:19:29

something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did,

0:19:290:19:32

she cracked one open and she discovered...

0:19:320:19:34

PHILL LAUGHS

0:19:340:19:35

-Oh, God!

-It's science, it's science!

0:19:370:19:39

She discovered fish scales and teeth,

0:19:390:19:40

and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites -

0:19:400:19:43

which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo.

0:19:430:19:45

Isn't that extraordinary?

0:19:450:19:47

To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible.

0:19:470:19:50

I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know,

0:19:500:19:52

she's done all these amazing things

0:19:520:19:53

and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her

0:19:530:19:56

they made up one about she used to knock out seashells.

0:19:560:19:59

Well, here's the thing. That's how she made a living.

0:19:590:20:01

She was very poor. Her father was a cabinet-maker,

0:20:010:20:03

he died when she was 11. And so she had to make a living.

0:20:030:20:05

And actually, people selling fossils

0:20:050:20:06

has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast...

0:20:060:20:08

She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she?

0:20:080:20:11

Yeah. She could sell them to tourists.

0:20:110:20:13

It was one of the very first...

0:20:130:20:14

So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right.

0:20:140:20:17

She really sort of pains me slightly,

0:20:170:20:19

because she sold things to men

0:20:190:20:20

who then wrote scientific articles about them,

0:20:200:20:22

and she didn't get the credit. She wasn't allowed to join,

0:20:220:20:24

for example, the Geological Society of London.

0:20:240:20:26

They didn't admit women until 1904.

0:20:260:20:29

She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death,

0:20:290:20:34

the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women

0:20:340:20:37

who have most influenced the history of science.

0:20:370:20:39

Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman?

0:20:390:20:42

Or because she killed that dog?

0:20:420:20:44

I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.

0:20:450:20:48

Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's

0:20:480:20:50

Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think.

0:20:500:20:53

Here are some new names for things.

0:20:530:20:55

But can you tell me what any of them are?

0:20:550:20:59

-Adorkable?

-Adorkable. Do you know what it is?

0:20:590:21:01

Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books,

0:21:010:21:03

-but it's quite cute?

-CARIAD:

-It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome.

0:21:030:21:06

Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it.

0:21:060:21:09

Are these...?

0:21:090:21:10

These are new words that have recently... What's happening here?

0:21:100:21:14

They're what's known as neologisms,

0:21:140:21:16

so they are new terms that have entered the language.

0:21:160:21:18

-Oh, I see.

-Al desco is having your lunch...

0:21:180:21:21

-Having your lunch at your desk.

-Yeah.

0:21:210:21:24

A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is.

0:21:240:21:26

A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell.

0:21:260:21:29

-Really?

-No, it is a selfie, but what of?

0:21:300:21:33

What part of you is a belfie?

0:21:330:21:35

-Oh, my God!

-Yes.

0:21:350:21:36

-CARIAD:

-Oh!

-ROMESH:

-Really?

0:21:370:21:39

-Your bell end?

-It's...

0:21:390:21:40

APPLAUSE

0:21:420:21:44

I thought that was a dick pic.

0:21:460:21:47

-It's your bottom.

-Oh, your bottom?

0:21:470:21:49

-Yes, it's a picture of your...

-That's a bumfie!

0:21:490:21:51

A bumfie?

0:21:510:21:52

How is "belfie" bum?

0:21:540:21:55

I don't... Darling, I didn't write them.

0:21:550:21:57

I'm just telling you. These are all examples

0:21:570:21:59

that have been included in the OED in recent years.

0:21:590:22:02

The OED have got to stop adding now.

0:22:020:22:04

-Stop adding.

-Those are just...

0:22:040:22:05

It's like the OED has been taken over

0:22:050:22:07

by a 14-year-old boy who's bored.

0:22:070:22:10

-BREAKING VOICE:

-"Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha!

0:22:100:22:12

"And I'll make up 12."

0:22:120:22:13

I like that one, stoor-sooker.

0:22:130:22:15

-What is that?

-Is that Scottish?

0:22:150:22:16

Yes. It's to do with sucking. It's to do with sucking.

0:22:160:22:19

-Really?

-Oh, it's something nasty again.

0:22:190:22:20

-I think I'll leave the quiz now.

-No, no, it's fine.

0:22:200:22:23

It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.

0:22:230:22:25

It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker. PHILL LAUGHS

0:22:250:22:28

Oh, right. What's honkenbonkers?

0:22:280:22:30

Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing.

0:22:300:22:32

Is that the one you were thinking,

0:22:320:22:34

"That's the one I might take from this"?

0:22:340:22:36

Yeah.

0:22:360:22:38

"What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?"

0:22:380:22:40

The good thing about any of these words,

0:22:400:22:42

is if I hear someone using them,

0:22:420:22:43

I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book.

0:22:430:22:47

Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website.

0:22:470:22:51

What's cauldpress?

0:22:510:22:53

Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.

0:22:530:22:55

These are just Scottish words!

0:22:550:22:58

Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from?

0:22:580:23:00

As we're doing a kind of quiz.

0:23:000:23:01

I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.

0:23:010:23:04

-I feel like that.

-ROMESH:

-Do we get a point for that?

0:23:050:23:08

Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.

0:23:100:23:12

So when you say it, I'm going to go...

0:23:120:23:14

"Oh, yeah..."

0:23:140:23:15

-You watch. Watch, watch.

-OK.

0:23:180:23:20

-We don't really know.

-Oh... Oh!

0:23:200:23:22

So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.

0:23:260:23:28

How it has come to mean asking people questions for points,

0:23:280:23:32

we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daley,

0:23:320:23:34

who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791,

0:23:340:23:37

made a bet that, within 48 hours,

0:23:370:23:39

he could get a word into common parlance.

0:23:390:23:41

And he distributed the word "quiz"

0:23:410:23:43

to be put up on walls all over Dublin,

0:23:430:23:45

and it became part of the language.

0:23:450:23:47

So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect,

0:23:470:23:50

that's wrong, isn't it?

0:23:500:23:51

No, that's from inquisitive. And inquisition.

0:23:510:23:54

So that's a separate...

0:23:540:23:56

You've got it, you're in the right chair.

0:23:560:23:58

I had a little cold feeling then!

0:23:590:24:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:040:24:07

Right, OK.

0:24:170:24:19

A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.

0:24:190:24:24

Now, we're going to name our little piggies.

0:24:240:24:26

You all know the rhyme. Come on, let's do this together.

0:24:260:24:28

This little piggy went to market...

0:24:280:24:30

-ALL:

-This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef

0:24:300:24:33

This little piggy had none...

0:24:330:24:34

And what did the last one do?

0:24:340:24:36

-ALL:

-This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home.

0:24:360:24:39

Unbelievably irritating.

0:24:390:24:40

So, what we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet.

0:24:400:24:44

-Are we all right to play with your feet, darling?

-Yes.

0:24:440:24:47

I don't really like feet, can I just say this?

0:24:470:24:49

I consider them the frayed edges of the body. I don't...

0:24:490:24:51

-Do you want both feet?

-We just need one.

0:24:530:24:55

-In fact, do you want to play?

-I believe my feet died in 1987...

0:24:550:24:59

..and the rest of my body will catch up eventually

0:25:000:25:02

but I think my feet went some time ago.

0:25:020:25:04

Right. So, here's what we're going to do.

0:25:040:25:06

-Oh...

-What's that noise?

0:25:060:25:09

What is that noise?!

0:25:090:25:12

We've never had an audience that's so judgmental.

0:25:120:25:14

-When you hear a tongue twister...

-OK.

-"Urgh!"

0:25:140:25:18

-What's the matter with you?

-Very nice...

0:25:180:25:20

Someone else will get their foot out and you'll go, "Yay!"

0:25:200:25:24

OK. Romesh, there's a little stick...

0:25:270:25:30

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:25:300:25:33

So, imagine that your big toe is number one

0:25:370:25:39

and the next toe is number two, three...

0:25:390:25:41

So number five is your little toe.

0:25:410:25:42

-OK.

-I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh...

0:25:420:25:45

Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes

0:25:450:25:48

and you tell us which one it is he's touching.

0:25:480:25:52

I can't actually see which ones are being touched

0:25:520:25:54

so let me just come and have a look. I'm coming behind you!

0:25:540:25:58

OK, go ahead, then. Do it again.

0:25:580:26:00

-Yep, which one?

-Four.

0:26:010:26:03

Yeah. And keep going.

0:26:030:26:04

-Three?

-Ah, so, OK.

0:26:070:26:09

So, you can stop now, that's fantastic

0:26:090:26:11

because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly

0:26:110:26:13

you've entirely proved the point

0:26:130:26:14

that I was trying to make which is very nice.

0:26:140:26:16

So, you said it was number three and, in fact, it was number two.

0:26:160:26:19

-Was it?

-Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked

0:26:190:26:22

-and here's the extraordinary thing.

-I can't get my leg down, hang on.

0:26:220:26:25

Are you all right?

0:26:250:26:27

So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing,

0:26:290:26:32

in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes

0:26:320:26:35

while somebody pressed on one of their fingers

0:26:350:26:37

and they were correctly able to identify, 99% of the case,

0:26:370:26:40

which finger was being simulated.

0:26:400:26:42

-It sort of defeats the object...

-You can't do it yourself.

0:26:420:26:44

Yeah, to go home and do it yourself.

0:26:440:26:46

-You know which one you're prodding.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:26:460:26:49

-And also...

-I'll actually admit I went right through with it

0:26:490:26:51

and I did one of the toes myself and then thought,

0:26:510:26:54

"Oh, that's number one," and of course it was!

0:26:540:26:56

Have you ever been involved in scientific research in anything?

0:26:570:27:02

I just have to let myself down, Sandi, all the time.

0:27:020:27:04

-I'm an unbelievable idiot.

-I think you're lovely.

0:27:040:27:08

So you can recognise your big and little toes about 94% of the time

0:27:090:27:12

but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones.

0:27:120:27:15

We particularly struggle, as you did,

0:27:150:27:17

between the second and the third toes

0:27:170:27:19

and about half the people when the second toe was pressed,

0:27:190:27:22

actually, think it's the third one. And also, even more strangely,

0:27:220:27:26

lots of people find it difficult to keep track of their toes entirely.

0:27:260:27:29

Nearly half the testers reported feeling as if one toe was gone.

0:27:290:27:33

A huge number of people with their eyes shut

0:27:350:27:37

thought they only had four toes.

0:27:370:27:39

Wouldn't you have just thought

0:27:390:27:41

-"We've picked the wrong person for the experiment"?

-Yeah.

0:27:410:27:43

Just gone entirely.

0:27:430:27:45

Right, a question for all of us here on the panel,

0:27:450:27:48

which of us is the most common?

0:27:480:27:51

-It's either me or Alan.

-Why?

-Oh, why?

0:27:510:27:55

No, hang on, no!

0:27:550:27:56

There's more women in the world so it's one of you two.

0:27:560:27:59

-It's not that. It isn't that.

-It must be Romesh.

0:27:590:28:02

No, in fact, the most common...

0:28:020:28:05

You've got to give an argument, "It must be Romesh."

0:28:070:28:09

-Him...

-Oh, I see! OK.

0:28:110:28:14

-I had a look to see whose name was the most common.

-Oh.

0:28:140:28:17

So whose name do we think is the most common?

0:28:170:28:20

It's quite... Well, I'd say Romesh, Sandi and Cariad probably not...

0:28:200:28:23

-Not going to be...

-..going to be top of the list, yeah.

-No.

0:28:230:28:25

-Davies is a very common name.

-I'm afraid it is you, Alan.

0:28:250:28:28

I had a look.

0:28:280:28:29

Ranganathan is used, according to a website called Namespedia,

0:28:290:28:33

is used 1,789 times in at least 26 countries.

0:28:330:28:36

So, what does it mean, the name? Do you know what the name means?

0:28:360:28:39

I think it means, like...

0:28:390:28:40

"Love God."

0:28:400:28:42

OK, so...

0:28:430:28:45

I...

0:28:450:28:47

I broke it down.

0:28:500:28:51

APPLAUSE

0:28:550:28:57

I broke it down, Romesh. Ranga means "source of amusement for others."

0:29:000:29:03

-Right.

-And Nathan means "he will give."

0:29:030:29:06

Oh, right.

0:29:060:29:08

Lloyd is used 65,467 times

0:29:080:29:11

in at least 46 countries.

0:29:110:29:14

-We get about, the Welsh.

-There is that.

0:29:140:29:16

Phill, I searched your name, honestly, you come up,

0:29:160:29:19

there's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard.

0:29:190:29:22

It's an accidental name because it's actually Seputis

0:29:220:29:25

but when they arrived in 1917 in the UK,

0:29:250:29:28

some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived, went "Name."

0:29:280:29:32

And they go, "Seputis."

0:29:320:29:33

And he went, "Jupitus."

0:29:330:29:35

So he just wrote down what he heard

0:29:350:29:37

and so that's why it came out as Jupitus.

0:29:370:29:40

I have lovely hair.

0:29:400:29:42

-No wonder I'm so smug.

-Yeah.

0:29:470:29:50

I don't know who's upset Alan.

0:29:500:29:53

I look like I've been pulled over for speeding.

0:29:530:29:55

You're like, "Ugh, come on."

0:29:550:29:58

Davies is the most popular, 47 different countries, it appears.

0:29:580:30:02

Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people

0:30:020:30:04

in the Caucasus Mountains that were called the Alans?

0:30:040:30:07

I did not know that.

0:30:070:30:08

They've died out.

0:30:080:30:10

She gives and she takes away.

0:30:130:30:15

And my own name I looked up on this thing, Toksvig,

0:30:150:30:17

and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries

0:30:170:30:21

-and then it listed all the people.

-# Da-da-dah! #

0:30:210:30:24

And all of them...

0:30:240:30:26

All of them are relatives of mine and I'm not on the list.

0:30:260:30:29

What does Toksvig mean?

0:30:330:30:34

It means "river by the burial ground."

0:30:340:30:37

Oh, that's nice. Poetic.

0:30:370:30:39

Having a huge name can help with your uniqueness.

0:30:390:30:41

Have a look at these, these are some of the longest names in history.

0:30:410:30:44

Look at that.

0:30:440:30:45

That's one person's name, this was a woman,

0:30:450:30:48

the long-reigning ruler of Yemen in the 11th and 12th century

0:30:480:30:52

and she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulayhid dynasty

0:30:520:30:55

and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba.

0:30:550:30:58

Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you were doing the school trophy,

0:30:580:31:01

she won the hundred.

0:31:010:31:03

-Look at that name, that's great, isn't it?

-Wow.

0:31:040:31:06

That's a fantastic name. Queen of Bali, circa 1088 to 1101.

0:31:060:31:10

Do you think she fell asleep and just collapsed onto the keyboard?

0:31:100:31:13

That last bit at the end, that ain't a name. That is a...

0:31:180:31:21

That is a two-year-old,

0:31:210:31:22

that's a two-year-old on an iPhone.

0:31:220:31:25

Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation

0:31:270:31:31

or a mass deposition event?

0:31:310:31:33

It looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here.

0:31:330:31:36

Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.

0:31:390:31:42

-I'd prefer a non-routine operation.

-Do you?

0:31:420:31:44

-I just think, if it's routine...

-It's a better story.

0:31:440:31:46

Well, if it's routine,

0:31:460:31:48

the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it

0:31:480:31:50

if you've done it loads of times.

0:31:500:31:51

Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think,

0:31:510:31:53

"I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this."

0:31:530:31:55

If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open.

0:31:550:31:57

Exactly. Like they're doing it for the first time.

0:31:570:32:01

-I imagine it being like a chef.

-If it's routine, they'll go,

0:32:010:32:04

"Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on."

0:32:040:32:07

I can tell you that the non-routine operation

0:32:070:32:09

is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines.

0:32:090:32:12

OK. Crash landing?

0:32:120:32:14

-It is. It is their word for a plane crash.

-Oh-ho!

0:32:140:32:17

-"Notice to passengers..."

-Must be in the lead!

0:32:170:32:20

"..in case of a non-routine operation,

0:32:200:32:22

"we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits."

0:32:220:32:26

-You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

0:32:260:32:28

What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't.

0:32:280:32:31

Can I show you my favourite airport sign?

0:32:310:32:33

Cos you know you never get proper information.

0:32:330:32:35

I think this is absolutely fantastic. There we go.

0:32:350:32:38

It kind of says everything, doesn't it?

0:32:450:32:47

-It's fair enough.

-Loses something in translation.

0:32:470:32:49

-It's honest.

-It's absolutely fine.

0:32:490:32:51

The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact,

0:32:510:32:54

a huge pile of poo.

0:32:540:32:55

In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.

0:32:550:32:57

It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists

0:32:570:32:59

to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung

0:32:590:33:02

at a site called the Col de la Traversette,

0:33:020:33:04

and it's believed to be associated

0:33:040:33:06

with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.

0:33:060:33:11

I love this. The team analysing the poo, OK,

0:33:110:33:14

are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.

0:33:140:33:17

Here's a quote from one of the team.

0:33:170:33:18

"There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg.

0:33:180:33:21

"This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

0:33:210:33:25

Tapeworm egg.

0:33:270:33:29

-Not even a tapeworm...

-No.

-..just a tapeworm egg.

0:33:290:33:31

Just a tapeworm egg. While we're on euphemisms,

0:33:310:33:33

what is a nondiscernible microbionoculator?

0:33:330:33:37

-Something you can't see.

-It's very small, very small.

0:33:370:33:40

You don't want to have it.

0:33:400:33:42

-So, like a parasite?

-It's nondiscernible, you can't see it.

0:33:420:33:44

It's a man-made thing.

0:33:440:33:46

Bullet.

0:33:460:33:47

-Sort of.

-A lethal injection.

0:33:470:33:49

You're absolutely in the right area, it's a poison dart gun,

0:33:490:33:52

devised by the CIA in 1975.

0:33:520:33:55

I'm on fire, I'm bound to win!

0:33:550:33:56

-You're doing...

-I've only had one klaxon.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:33:560:33:58

I have to say this during the show to flag it up.

0:33:580:34:01

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You've done fantastic.

0:34:010:34:03

Otherwise they would just give me -40 and tell me to piss off.

0:34:030:34:07

That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club.

0:34:070:34:11

"I think I'm going to kill Alan."

0:34:110:34:14

-He's got the sight on back to front.

-The thing I don't understand...

-Yes.

0:34:140:34:18

The bloke on the right is saying, "Back to front, you idiot!"

0:34:180:34:20

"He's bloody miles away, the dart will never get him!"

0:34:200:34:24

Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard?

0:34:280:34:32

Cos it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that?

0:34:320:34:35

No, but it is a creature of some kind.

0:34:350:34:38

Oh, some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick...

0:34:380:34:40

Oh, yes, you are on fire. Yes.

0:34:400:34:41

-What's going on with you today?

-Yeah.

0:34:410:34:44

-Suddenly you know shit.

-Oh, it's a sub...

0:34:440:34:47

It's, like, a substandard panel this week.

0:34:470:34:50

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:34:520:34:56

It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bedbug,

0:34:580:35:01

a Norfolk Howard.

0:35:010:35:02

Turn of the 20th century, there was a guy,

0:35:020:35:04

he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug.

0:35:040:35:06

Anyway, he really hated being called Bug

0:35:060:35:08

and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard

0:35:080:35:11

and his friends, to take the mickey,

0:35:110:35:13

referred to all bedbugs as Norfolk Howards and in the end,

0:35:130:35:17

bedbugs became known as Norfolk Howard.

0:35:170:35:20

Oh, that's horrible.

0:35:200:35:21

I think that is a beautifully designed...

0:35:210:35:25

-It's an amazing things.

-..and coloured...

-Yeah.

0:35:250:35:27

-I mean...

-They are amazing, bedbugs, yeah.

-..that is a stunner.

0:35:270:35:29

-Look at the shell on that.

-You wouldn't accept that from a hotel,

0:35:290:35:32

though, if they said that to you, would you?

0:35:320:35:35

"Bedbugs, yeah, but look how beautiful..."

0:35:350:35:38

And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name.

0:35:400:35:43

Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance.

0:35:430:35:46

Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went.

0:35:460:35:50

'Schroeder Swan.'

0:35:510:35:53

I'll take the hit, Valhalla.

0:35:530:35:55

KLAXON

0:35:550:35:58

No.

0:35:590:36:00

You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle,

0:36:000:36:03

you'd get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgard.

0:36:030:36:06

It's amazing, it has a roof entirely made of golden shields,

0:36:060:36:10

it's got 540 doors, you can get 800 men in and out, whenever you like.

0:36:100:36:15

-Sounds brilliant.

-It's amazing, it's amazing.

0:36:150:36:18

But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla.

0:36:180:36:21

So in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods,

0:36:210:36:24

the Aesir, which is Odin and co,

0:36:240:36:27

and the Vanir and both sets get to choose their dead.

0:36:270:36:31

So half go to Valhalla,

0:36:310:36:32

which is where they all want to go, basically,

0:36:320:36:34

and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvangr,

0:36:340:36:39

which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine.

0:36:390:36:41

I have never been more aroused on a TV show than I am right now.

0:36:410:36:45

-Same, same.

-Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice.

0:36:450:36:47

-Folkvangr.

-Folkvangr.

-Folkvangr.

0:36:470:36:49

See, I think you'd like to go there, Phill.

0:36:490:36:51

Yes, I would like to go to Folkvangr.

0:36:510:36:55

-Because there are women there.

-There's no women in Valhalla?

0:36:550:36:58

No, just the Valkyries riding in and out.

0:36:580:37:00

That's a great name of a porn film.

0:37:000:37:02

No Women In Valhalla!

0:37:020:37:04

So, if you didn't die in battle you died a natural death,

0:37:040:37:07

where did you go?

0:37:070:37:08

Because you didn't go to Valhalla and you didn't go to Folkvangr.

0:37:080:37:11

Did you go to Loki's Kingdom of Mischief?

0:37:110:37:14

It's place we don't want to go today when we die.

0:37:140:37:16

-We don't want to go...

-Hell.

-We don't want to go to hell.

0:37:160:37:18

Fantastic, it's exactly right. They went to hell, yeah.

0:37:180:37:21

-Indeed they did.

-If they died of natural causes?

0:37:210:37:24

If they died of natural causes, they went to hell which was...

0:37:240:37:27

"I feel terrible. Quick, start a fight!"

0:37:270:37:30

"There's that battle today..."

0:37:310:37:33

"Oh, this is so unfair.

0:37:330:37:35

"I've been in all the battles, trying to get killed."

0:37:350:37:39

Hell is ruled over by a goddess called Hell,

0:37:390:37:41

it's where we get the word hell from.

0:37:410:37:43

Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla.

0:37:430:37:47

Name a self-confessed Nazi.

0:37:470:37:48

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:37:510:37:53

-Phill Jupitus.

-OK.

0:37:530:37:55

-Erm...

-All those guys.

0:37:550:37:57

They're like "Me, it's me."

0:37:570:37:59

They didn't call themselves Nazis.

0:37:590:38:01

Absolutely right. There are none,

0:38:010:38:02

there are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis.

0:38:020:38:05

You are just doing brilliantly.

0:38:050:38:07

Yep. Absolutely right.

0:38:070:38:09

APPLAUSE

0:38:110:38:14

-All this time...

-Yep.

0:38:170:38:19

All this time you've been intimidated to say what you know

0:38:190:38:22

and now you can just, you can just speak! It's lovely, Alan.

0:38:220:38:26

-No, indeed and...

-Hang on, I'll throw him off his game.

0:38:260:38:28

-AS STEPHEN FRY:

-Maa! Maa!

0:38:280:38:31

Although I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies".

0:38:330:38:35

-"Nazzies", yeah.

-And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po".

0:38:350:38:39

That was very good. You're absolutely right.

0:38:400:38:42

No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi,

0:38:420:38:46

it was the German exiles who called them that.

0:38:460:38:48

Name the cause of the first mass extinction?

0:38:480:38:51

Oh, now this is a trick one,

0:38:510:38:53

because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one,

0:38:530:38:56

but there was one before that, wasn't there?

0:38:560:38:58

After 14 years, he understands the format!

0:38:580:39:00

APPLAUSE

0:39:030:39:06

And the thing I still can't do is think in my head.

0:39:100:39:15

Where do you think, then?

0:39:190:39:22

-In my mouth.

-In your mouth.

0:39:220:39:24

Is it ice? Ice?

0:39:240:39:26

-It is not ice, no. CARIAD:

-Baby!

0:39:260:39:28

-Very good.

-They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.

0:39:300:39:33

There was a massive extinction.

0:39:330:39:35

It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth.

0:39:360:39:41

So what happens is...

0:39:410:39:43

So many problems come when we invent the mouth!

0:39:430:39:46

These are ediacarans,

0:39:460:39:47

and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth.

0:39:470:39:51

And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.

0:39:510:39:55

They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus.

0:39:550:39:57

They just lived through osmosis.

0:39:570:39:59

They got along fine!

0:39:590:40:00

They were just fine. And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion,

0:40:000:40:04

so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago.

0:40:040:40:08

You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing

0:40:080:40:10

cos there's more oxygen around,

0:40:100:40:12

and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth.

0:40:120:40:14

-And do you know what they did?

-They ate them.

-They ate them.

0:40:140:40:17

Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them.

0:40:170:40:19

And the terrible, tragic thing

0:40:190:40:20

was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.

0:40:200:40:22

-Oh, don't! That's so sad!

-Yeah.

-No mouth.

0:40:220:40:25

-Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...

-Or warn each other.

0:40:270:40:30

I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel.

0:40:300:40:33

Nothing you can do. Just let them get on with it.

0:40:380:40:41

It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad.

0:40:410:40:43

That's why I'm adorkable!

0:40:440:40:46

I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends

0:40:460:40:48

with no mouth or anus.

0:40:480:40:50

-It felt like that, Alan.

-They can't cry for help.

-No.

0:40:500:40:54

-Can't speak.

-Anyway...

0:40:540:40:56

what's French for nom de plume?

0:40:560:40:59

Oh, hang on a minute.

0:40:590:41:01

'Snuffy Storey.'

0:41:010:41:03

Is it that they don't have,

0:41:030:41:05

that doesn't mean pseudonym in French?

0:41:050:41:09

-Er, yeah, kind of.

-They don't have...

0:41:090:41:11

In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write

0:41:110:41:13

-under a different name is nom de guerre.

-Oh, yeah.

0:41:130:41:16

It is now nom de plume in French

0:41:160:41:17

but the British didn't like nom de guerre,

0:41:170:41:19

they didn't think it was a good idea

0:41:190:41:21

and so they changed it to nom de plume

0:41:210:41:22

and now the French have used it, they've taken it from us.

0:41:220:41:24

That's unusual that they would take it

0:41:240:41:26

because normally they hold on to their French words...

0:41:260:41:28

Yeah, like "le weekend." Like crazy they hold on to those words.

0:41:280:41:32

My favourite nom de plume...

0:41:320:41:34

-Voltaire had loads and he had about 173.

-What?!

0:41:340:41:36

Defoe had loads and loads, in fact, including Daniel Defoe,

0:41:360:41:40

his real name was Daniel Foe,

0:41:400:41:41

-he just bigged himself up with the "De" part.

-Oh.

0:41:410:41:45

-And Benjamin Franklin.

-He lived in Stoke Newington.

0:41:450:41:47

-Who did? Daniel Defoe?

-Daniel Defoe.

0:41:470:41:50

See, I like that because that is where somebody like that

0:41:500:41:52

ought to live. There's a wonderful story about a book written by

0:41:520:41:55

a man called T Lobsang Rampa.

0:41:550:41:57

He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book,

0:41:570:42:00

it was called The Third eye, it was published in 1954, massive hit.

0:42:000:42:04

In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plympton...

0:42:040:42:08

his name was Cyril Henry Hoskin.

0:42:080:42:10

-Hoax, a total hoax.

-A total hoax but what I like about it...

-Brilliant.

0:42:100:42:13

..he didn't, he wouldn't back down, right?

0:42:130:42:15

So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Rampa

0:42:150:42:19

had inhabited his body after he fell out of a fir tree in his garden

0:42:190:42:24

in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl.

0:42:240:42:28

-If you're going to lie...

-Lie big. Go for it.

-Yeah.

0:42:300:42:33

The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre.

0:42:330:42:36

So our panellists emerge at the scores,

0:42:360:42:39

but let's see who has made a name for themselves,

0:42:390:42:42

and who has a black mark next to theirs.

0:42:420:42:45

In fourth place, with a magnificent -2,

0:42:450:42:49

it is Phill!

0:42:490:42:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:510:42:54

-Yes!

-In third place, with 4 points,

0:42:560:42:59

it's Romesh!

0:42:590:43:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:000:43:02

OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins

0:43:050:43:07

if I tell you who's in second place. With 5 points,

0:43:070:43:10

it's Cariad.

0:43:100:43:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:110:43:13

Alan! Oh, my God!

0:43:130:43:15

And the winner is Alan, with 7.

0:43:150:43:18

EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:180:43:20

It only remains for me to thank...

0:43:290:43:30

I'm going to be UNBEARABLE!

0:43:300:43:32

SANDI LAUGHS

0:43:320:43:34

I shall bear with it.

0:43:340:43:35

It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan.

0:43:350:43:38

Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget

0:43:380:43:42

from the Johannesburg Star.

0:43:420:43:43

The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered

0:43:430:43:46

when a man went berserk in Plain Street.

0:43:460:43:49

He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows

0:43:490:43:51

before being shot in the thigh

0:43:510:43:53

by a passing churchgoer.

0:43:530:43:55

Goodnight.

0:43:560:43:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:570:44:00

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