Non Sequiturs QI XL


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Non Sequiturs

Sandi Toksvig looks at some non sequiturs with Miles Jupp, Deirdre O'Kane, Phill Jupitus and Alan Davies.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wheyyy!

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Hello and welcome to QI.

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Tonight's show will be a nebulous nosebag of non sequiturs.

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Nestled in next to me, we have three types of non sequitur.

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Affirming the consequent, Miles Jupp.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Denying the antecedent, Deirdre O'Kane.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The fallacy of the undistributed middle, Phill Jupitus.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And getting in a frightful muddle, Alan Davies.

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-Hello.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And for their buzzers, we've got four non-secateurs

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because one of the researchers can't spell.

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Miles goes...

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SCISSORS SNIP CRISPLY

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Deirdre goes...

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SCISSOR BLADES SCRAPE TOGETHER

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-..on for quite a long time.

-Very bad hairdresser, that is.

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Slightly rusty. Phill goes...

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KNIFE CHOPPING VEGETABLES

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And Alan goes...

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'Cut!'

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One of my dreams... I've done a lot of things in show business.

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I've always wanted to be in Midsomer Murders, as a victim.

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So the camera would pan round a rose bush, and I'd be lying there,

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with a trug, and a pair of secateurs.

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-We should make this happen!

-Yes!

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Let's start with a nun-sequitur.

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How do you get urine off a nun?

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-Yes.

-I don't think that nuns pee at all.

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Oh!

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I know a lot about nuns.

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-Do you? Why's that?

-Because I was educated by them,

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and it was in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them.

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Right. And they never weed?

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Never. I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom.

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The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they?

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Very long frocks, and they might have

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some kind of divine catheter or something, but they don't...

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You don't see them coming out of a bathroom.

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The Divine Catheter are a great group, aren't they?

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Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine catheter."

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In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks,

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they used to have the equivalent of a gravy boat

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on a sort of ribbon for long church services.

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They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining?

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Yes, they did. Yes, they did.

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A gravy boat on a ribbon.

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Is this urine in the picture, or is that just something...

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"The gravy boat's fallen off!"

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"Help me!"

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That's "The gravy boat's fallen off."

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Is it necessary to get urine off nuns?

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It was necessary. It was the 1960s.

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Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee?

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A condiment?!

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"Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee?"

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Was it to test... Pregnancy tests?

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It is to do with pregnancy. OK. So, women who go through the menopause,

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their urine contains very high levels of hormones

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that can be used to make medications to increase female fertility,

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something the Roman Catholic Church are very much in favour of.

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-Hence the horny menopausal women.

-Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

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That's another good group.

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The Horny Menopausal Women.

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I love that band. What a gig!

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1960, there was a medical student called Bruno Lunenfeld

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and he was looking for a source of menopausal women

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who would be happy to give up their urine.

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So, this is one of those stories where chance takes a moment in life.

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He met the Pope's nephew by chance.

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And he's talking about, "Where the heck am I going to find

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"a whole lot of menopausal women

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"who don't mind about giving up their urine

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"who are going to help with fertility drugs?"

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And it was the Vatican, and he said,

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"I was lucky enough to have a unique connection to an important authority

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"with access to a huge supply of postmenopausal urine."

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See, they've got their bag, their colostomy bags.

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They're disguised as handbags, haven't they?

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-Boldly worn on the outside.

-Hiding in plain sight.

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Well, here's the thing that might interest you.

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Did you know that in the United States

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it's now possible to rent a nun?

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No, but I'd say that might be becoming a thing world over,

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because there's bound to be a shortage.

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-Well, we're busy. We're all very busy.

-We're very busy.

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We haven't got time to pray every day,

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so the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco,

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they run an Adopt A Sister programme.

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You have to give about 500 for the sister's retirement needs,

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and then she will pray for you every day, saving you the bother.

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Will she do light admin as well?

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Obviously, do the pray, do the pray, but also,

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if you could give the study a once over, that sort of thing.

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Do the laundry. They're great at the laundry.

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Do you think there's a thing about

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lots of women living in close cloisters like that?

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Because in 1844 there was an extraordinary experience,

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when a French nun began to meow like a cat, OK,

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and soon, the other nuns joined in...

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..and eventually, every nun in the convent

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was meowing for hours on end,

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and they couldn't stop.

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And do you know how they stopped, in the end?

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Got a dog.

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APPLAUSE

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A group of soldiers turned up and threatened to beat them

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-with iron rods.

-Really?!

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-Yup.

-Pack it in!

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Nothing like that!

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My favourite thing about nuns is the Robert Browning poem

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called Pippa Passes. It was written in 1841, and it goes,

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"Owls and bats, Cowls and twats,

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"Monks and nuns, in a cloister's moods,

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"Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry!"

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And it's funny because he was under the misapprehension

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that twat meant a nun's hat.

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Bit of a tight fit.

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"Am I wearing it back to front?"

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"Have you got a bigger one?"

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He said he got the word from a 1660 satirical poem

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called Vanity of Vanities,

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"They talked of his having a Cardinal's Hat,

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"They'd send him as soon an Old Nun's Twat".

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He thought...that must mean hat.

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Bless him. Bless.

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Now, this is the non sequiturs show, and that's why, Alan,

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we're now going to hit you with a hammer.

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Bring on the nerd!

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APPLAUSE

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Steve is our resident nerd for tonight,

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he's from the science-cum-comedy group Festival of the Spoken Nerd,

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and he is going to hit Alan with a hammer.

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So, the first thing is to wrap your hand in this orange goo.

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If you put your hand like that for me, I'm just going to wrap it.

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-I'm very trusting, aren't I?

-Yeah!

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Do you notice I'm not doing it?

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Yes, I had noticed that.

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If you just gently press it with your finger.

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Very soft. You wouldn't think that could afford any kind of protection

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-against the hammer.

-No.

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This is the point where I say don't try this at home, OK?

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-DEIDRE:

-Are you feeling anything there?

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How is it? Is there any pain or anything?

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A little bit.

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What is it, Steve, is it silly putty or something?

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It's not silly putty.

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So, don't try this at home with silly putty,

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-cos you will break your fingers.

-What is it, then?

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This is called D3o, it's sort of a smart material.

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It's a non-Newtonian fluid.

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-A non-Newtonian fluid?

-Yes.

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OK, so you're going to have to start with what is a Newtonian fluid?

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So, a Newtonian fluid is...

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Are you like this with your lover?

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Do not answer that question, Steve.

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So, Newton came up with some equations

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that describe how normal liquids and gases behave,

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but this doesn't behave like Newton described.

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It behaves as a normal liquid most of the time,

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but if you strike it,

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then the molecules lock together,

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and momentarily form a solid that protects your fingers.

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You could make your own non-Newtonian at home?

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-You can.

-What would you do?

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Cornflour and water, if you mix that together.

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-Which is called?

-Oobleck.

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OK, so oobleck, after the gooey green rain

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in Dr Seuss's Bartholomew And The Oobleck.

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So, we have made some.

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Now, we're going to try and do this as a demonstration.

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I have to just manipulate...

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This is a condom.

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I say that because somebody had to explain it to me earlier.

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She was walking around with it on her head for ages.

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You should have been here when she tried to make a giraffe.

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So, in here is a raw egg in its shell,

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and we've got two condoms.

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One which has just got water and a raw egg,

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and I'm going to try and drop this from a great height.

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Just...

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OK. Are we ready?

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-Greater!

-Greater height.

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OK, so this one is just water,

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and I'm going to drop it into the QI frying pan. Am I ready?

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Here we go.

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Whoa, that's broken.

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That was very pleasing. A very pleasing result.

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So, now, this is the theory.

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CHUCKLING: OK.

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The theory is that this one should survive.

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-And there we go. The egg is fully intact. ALL:

-Oooh!

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Fantastic. APPLAUSE

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Steve!

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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But seriously, don't hit anybody at home

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because you've made a bit of cornflour.

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-That was amazing.

-That's not a good idea.

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Now, would you want to be pulled off by a Newark man?

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Yes.

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You would. You would.

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Newark in the Midlands, or Newark, New Jersey?

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-Newark, New Jersey. Noo-wark, as they say.

-Ah, OK.

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What they say in Manhattan is,

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"The good news is there's light at the end of the tunnel,

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"the bad news is the light's coming from Newark.

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-Very, very unfair.

-Very unfair, it's a charming place.

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So good they named it once.

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Yes. Just Newark. That's it.

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I can tell you, he was the Newark steam man.

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So, is this something to do with the train, your train,

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he pulls you off of your carriages?

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-In a yard?

-We're talking 1868.

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Two fantastic American inventors,

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one called Zadoc P Dederick.

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-There's a name.

-He was going to come up with something at some point.

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And Isaac Grass. And they invented the Newark steam man.

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He was intended to replace horses in pulling carriages,

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so what you did was you opened his jacket and you put coal in his chest

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-and then his top hat worked as a chimney.

-Ah. Brilliant.

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Oh, if only Abe Lincoln had been wearing one of them

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in the Ford Theatre.

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Unfortunately, they were never able to make them cheaply enough

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to produce on a large scale.

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It did absolutely capture the public imagination.

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There were loads and loads of similar ones.

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-Do you like them? I think they're great.

-Oh, wow.

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This is another prototype by Frank Reade Junior.

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Lots of people tried. There was a Canadian called George Moore,

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and he designed one in 1893.

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It was 6-foot tall, steam powered, it was an android.

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It could walk 5mph, and ejected the steam from his cigar.

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Journalists called him the Iron Man.

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Sadly he was made of tin, but that's journalists for you.

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-Did he have little wheels on his feet?

-This one had spurs.

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If you look at the bottom of his feet,

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he's got little spurs to give him traction.

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This one didn't work so well because he had to be attached to a pole

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and basically he just walked round in circles.

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He'd trip over things, wouldn't he?

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-Surely?

-Do you think horses felt in any way threatened by these things?

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"Have you seen what they're doing?

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"They put a hat on a chimney."

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I like the idea that the horses were running a closed shop.

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-Yeah.

-"Listen, we pull the stuff."

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That's their way of getting around the unions, essentially.

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Yes, an equine society, I like that.

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Deirdre, a better use of steam power, so...

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Causing more pleasure...

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for women in particular.

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Are you talking about some kind of steam-powered vibrator?

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I am! Yes.

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Not an iron. Ohhh!

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Ooh!

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That photograph does look like there was an iron taken to her there.

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If not flattened, you'd certainly take the crease out of it.

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APPLAUSE

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In 1869, OK,

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the very first steam-powered... ALAN LAUGHING

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Did it have a whistle on it?

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HE WHISTLES

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I can hear Queen Victoria now.

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"Summon Mr Brunel."

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"I'd like a word."

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Women did go and have this done in doctors' surgeries. They did.

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I don't know how anyone would have found it exciting

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because there was a coal-fired boiler and a turbine, OK?

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It was called the manipulator.

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-The manipulator!

-It was a respected medical instrument until the 1920s,

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and certainly there was no end of women trying to get an appointment.

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Right.

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Queueing round the block.

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People are weird about the whole genital thing.

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So, in 2016 there was a study,

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and they found that humans get aroused

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even when touching the naughty bits of androids. OK?

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-So there was a...

-Their phones?!

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APPLAUSE

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-DEIDRE:

-When they're on vibrate...

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-Ah!

-There we go.

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No, so, robots. So, there was a French robot called Nao

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and it was programmed... There it is.

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It was programmed to tell people to touch its body parts,

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and while they did this, scientists measured their skin conductance,

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and when people touched what the study called

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the "inaccessible regions"...

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So, the buttocks of the robot,

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the genitalia...

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Weirdly, also the eyeballs...

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People became more aroused than when they touched the hands and feet.

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-That's the after shot, isn't it? That robot is spent.

-Yes.

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-Absolutely spent.

-Yes.

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All he can take is a cigarette, now. That's it.

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Now for something completely different.

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If a woodpecker would peck wood,

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how much wood would a woodpecker peck

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before its eyes popped out?

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Does that happen?

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Well, they hammer their heads into trees 20 times per second.

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So, 15mph.

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You'd think there would be burst blood vessels, damaged nerves,

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torn retinas...

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Why does it not...

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They can't remember anything, that's one of the things.

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Every time they strike the wood, they do this.

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Kind of.

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They have something called a nictitating membrane,

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or a translucent third eyelid.

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It is honestly like the seatbelt for the eyes,

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holding the eyes in place to make sure that nothing happens,

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and lots of creatures have them,

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and they serve all kinds of purposes.

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So, if you are a bird, and you are flying,

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they are kind of like flying goggles,

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and they keep the debris out of bird's eyes,

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and also keep them from drying out when they're hunting.

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Underwater goggles. So, there's a shot of a...

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It's a Kingfisher, I think, diving down, there.

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They're transparent, the nictitating membranes,

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so they can still see underwater, but it stops them getting damaged.

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The aardvark... I love this!

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..closes them when it's eating

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so that the termites don't bite their eyes.

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Polar bear uses them as sunglasses.

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And sharks, you wouldn't think a shark needs protection,

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but it uses them to prevent the prey from poking it in the eye

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when it's thrashing about.

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Anyway, nictitating membranes, they are the norm in mammals and birds,

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but giraffes don't have them. Why might giraffes might not need them?

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Well... There's your answer.

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The tongue! They can lick their...

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-Their really long tongue!

-Clean their own eyeball.

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-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh, what's that silly noise?

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You'd love to be able to do that.

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Can you imagine?

0:16:080:16:10

-That and worse, I expect.

-Yeah.

0:16:100:16:11

But humans have vestigial nictitating membranes.

0:16:130:16:16

-Where do you think they are?

-Down there in the corner by the nose.

0:16:160:16:19

-Squidgy bit in the corner.

-It is that corner bit,

0:16:190:16:21

that little tiny lump. That's the leftover bit.

0:16:210:16:23

But you can't pull it out, it's not like a sleeping bag scrunched up?

0:16:230:16:26

Does it not deploy like an air bag at times of extreme stress?

0:16:290:16:32

You despair and hit your own forehead, and they come out...

0:16:330:16:35

Suddenly just got like two pink doughnuts in front of your face.

0:16:350:16:38

Is that eyelid thing true?

0:16:380:16:39

If you didn't shut your eyes when you sneezed or something,

0:16:390:16:41

-it would...

-Well, it's an old wives' tale, isn't it,

0:16:410:16:44

that sleeping with your eyes open can make your eyeballs pop out.

0:16:440:16:46

Do you think that's true?

0:16:460:16:47

Yes.

0:16:470:16:49

-Well, you'd be wrong.

-Oh.

0:16:490:16:50

The eye socket, that is made of bone,

0:16:510:16:53

so it's not connected in any way to the nasal passages,

0:16:530:16:55

and there are no muscles behind the eyes that contract when you sneeze,

0:16:550:16:58

so there is no mechanism involved in a sneeze

0:16:580:17:00

that could have the effect claimed,

0:17:000:17:01

plus, which I think is the clincher,

0:17:010:17:03

you've never met anybody to whom that actually happened.

0:17:030:17:05

I remember times at the playground when, you know,

0:17:070:17:09

-a rumour like that would spread around the entire school.

-Yeah.

0:17:090:17:12

And some point later in the day, someone will start the old...

0:17:120:17:15

HE QUAVERS BEFORE A SNEEZE

0:17:150:17:17

And then you'll see them go...

0:17:170:17:18

HE SNEEZES POINTEDLY

0:17:180:17:20

There's actually only one primate known to have

0:17:250:17:26

a functioning nictitating membrane, and it's the Calabar angwantibo,

0:17:260:17:30

or they're better known as pottos,

0:17:300:17:32

and they live in the west African rainforest.

0:17:320:17:34

And what they do, the female signals that it's ready to mate

0:17:340:17:37

-by suspending herself upside down from a branch.

-Ah, yes.

0:17:370:17:40

We've all been on those kind of dates, that have ended up...

0:17:400:17:43

-Swinging out of the chandelier. I do a little bit of that.

-Exactly, yeah.

0:17:430:17:47

And the male joins her, and they both copulate face-to-face

0:17:470:17:49

-swinging upside down.

-Cool.

0:17:490:17:51

And when they are confronted by a predator,

0:17:510:17:53

what they do is they roll into a little ball,

0:17:530:17:55

but they keep their mouth open under the armpit,

0:17:550:17:58

and if the attacker persists, they bite it and won't let go,

0:17:580:18:00

so all you see is a little ball of fur

0:18:000:18:02

and a little mouth underneath the armpit having a go.

0:18:020:18:05

Aren't they sweet?

0:18:050:18:06

-Yeah, but I'm slightly put off by that story.

-Oh, yeah.

0:18:060:18:10

You're cute, aren't you?

0:18:100:18:11

SPLAT

0:18:110:18:12

What am I talking about?

0:18:190:18:20

It begins with N, feels like a snake when wet,

0:18:200:18:24

and caused women to riot in the streets?

0:18:240:18:28

Nonald Trump.

0:18:280:18:29

It is not Nonald Trump.

0:18:310:18:32

Go post-World War II.

0:18:320:18:35

There was a problem with getting a supply in the Second World War.

0:18:350:18:37

-Nylon.

-Nylon.

-Nylons! Absolutely right.

0:18:370:18:41

Up until 1942 it had been used exclusively to make stockings,

0:18:410:18:44

and then was redirected to the war effort, so it was used to make...

0:18:440:18:47

-Parachutes!

-Parachutes, exactly, aeroplane tyres,

0:18:470:18:49

tow ropes, fuel tanks, machinegun parts, hammocks,

0:18:490:18:52

mosquito nets, all sorts of things.

0:18:520:18:53

So, when the war ended, women were so excited...

0:18:530:18:57

This is so shallow!

0:18:570:18:58

..at the return of nylons that it generated the Nylon Riots

0:18:590:19:05

of 1945 and 1946.

0:19:050:19:08

In Pittsburgh, 40,000 women queued for 16 blocks

0:19:080:19:12

to fight over 13,000 pairs.

0:19:120:19:14

In Chicago, police were called to break up a mob of 1,200 women

0:19:140:19:18

clamouring for nylons outside the shop,

0:19:180:19:20

and apparently there were frequent fistfights.

0:19:200:19:22

There was a headline at the time...

0:19:220:19:24

US NEWSREADER VOICE: "Women risk life and limb in bitter battle over nylons."

0:19:240:19:27

Brentford Nylons!

0:19:280:19:30

Do they still exist, Brentford Nylons?

0:19:310:19:33

-I certainly hope so but I doubt it.

-Do you remember nylon sheets?

0:19:330:19:36

-You used to get into bed and slide out the other side.

-Yes!

0:19:360:19:38

On fire, usually.

0:19:390:19:41

What I like about those nylons, though, is that there's no tights,

0:19:430:19:46

-it's all stockings.

-Oh, yes, they're all stocking tops.

0:19:460:19:48

-Quite nice.

-That was the thing at the time.

0:19:480:19:50

It was all about being quite sexy,

0:19:500:19:52

as opposed to warm with the tights up to here.

0:19:520:19:54

Yes, when I was in school we had to wear two pairs of underpants.

0:19:540:19:57

You had to wear one pair underneath your tights,

0:19:570:20:00

and then another pair over the top.

0:20:000:20:02

-I don't really, to this day, really know why.

-That's because...

0:20:020:20:05

-I'll tell you why.

-Yeah?

0:20:050:20:07

That's because in the convent,

0:20:070:20:08

the nuns thought if you wore patent shoes

0:20:080:20:10

people could see your underwear reflected in the shoe.

0:20:100:20:13

So...

0:20:130:20:14

-So you wore a pair on the outside for double protection.

-Wow!

0:20:150:20:18

-There's nobody getting in, anyway.

-No, that's...

0:20:180:20:21

Just safer, isn't it? That's why ovens used to have two doors.

0:20:220:20:24

Anybody know what the first thing that nylon was used to make?

0:20:300:20:33

-Hats.

-Scarves.

-Gloves.

-Gramophone records.

-Socks.

0:20:330:20:35

-It was toothbrushes.

-Toothbrushes.

0:20:350:20:37

Because before then it was horsehair.

0:20:370:20:39

"Looking for a sexy dentist?"

0:20:390:20:42

But when it was made into stockings,

0:20:460:20:48

there were all sorts of terrible rumours.

0:20:480:20:50

People said that they feel like snakes when they're wet.

0:20:500:20:52

People were told that nylon gives you cancer of the legs.

0:20:520:20:55

That was one of the things. That it melts in hot water.

0:20:550:20:58

That if you walked past a car exhaust while wearing them

0:20:580:21:01

the fumes would strip them from your legs.

0:21:010:21:03

Yes, but what did papers other than the Daily Mail about nylons?

0:21:030:21:06

I read a story about a woman who wore her nylon tights

0:21:080:21:11

to protect herself from sunburn,

0:21:110:21:13

while she was on the beach, and the sun was very, very hot,

0:21:130:21:16

and they melted into her skin and gave her third degree burns.

0:21:160:21:19

Wow!

0:21:190:21:20

That is an awful story.

0:21:200:21:22

Hello, and welcome to Alan's Den Of Horror.

0:21:250:21:28

This week, we're going to the Bahamas.

0:21:300:21:32

It was actually...

0:21:340:21:36

It was in Blackpool!

0:21:360:21:37

APPLAUSE

0:21:390:21:41

Well, in the early days, when nylon was not so well manufactured,

0:21:420:21:45

then there would have been something in it.

0:21:450:21:47

I think now it's perfectly OK.

0:21:470:21:48

Now, could you please do an impression of

0:21:480:21:50

a trout faking an orgasm?

0:21:500:21:51

Oh, Deirdre's off.

0:21:550:21:56

It looks like you had a really bad face-lift.

0:21:590:22:01

-Well, I was trying to be a sarcastic trout.

-A sarcastic trout.

0:22:010:22:03

-It'll be the gills, it would be like...

-A trout faking an orgasm.

0:22:030:22:06

-Is that it?

-Yeah, I'm done.

0:22:130:22:14

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, the river moved for me as well.

0:22:160:22:19

Anybody else want to show...

0:22:190:22:20

You do a fine line in animal impersonations.

0:22:200:22:22

Well, I'm not sure. I feel like I'd have to move my tail.

0:22:220:22:25

I'm sure the tail...

0:22:250:22:27

I don't believe anybody is stopping you.

0:22:280:22:30

If you've just tuned in...

0:22:450:22:46

..that was Alan being a trout faking an orgasm.

0:22:480:22:51

The mouth open, and the tail wiggling.

0:22:510:22:53

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:54

So here's the thing. Female trouts do fake orgasms, OK?

0:22:580:23:01

When two trout prepare to...spawn,

0:23:010:23:04

they quiver rather violently

0:23:040:23:05

before releasing egg and sperm respectively.

0:23:050:23:08

So they did a study on this, 2001,

0:23:080:23:11

and they found that 69 out of 117 pairings, so it is quite a lot...

0:23:110:23:14

-Ironically.

-Yes, ironically, 69.

0:23:140:23:16

..females did not release her eggs

0:23:160:23:19

despite going through the quivering motions,

0:23:190:23:21

and tricking the mate into releasing his sperm.

0:23:210:23:24

So, why would she do this?

0:23:240:23:25

-It allows her to save herself for a better trout.

-The one.

0:23:250:23:28

It also allows multiple males to deposit sperm on her

0:23:300:23:33

before she releases the eggs. So, you know when you open a trout,

0:23:330:23:36

you can see if they've got eggs in, you know she was a faker.

0:23:360:23:40

But also what I like about it,

0:23:400:23:42

there's got to be a thing of trout etiquette, she's just going,

0:23:420:23:44

"No offence, honestly, you tried," she says to the boy. "But...

0:23:440:23:47

"Yeah, that wasn't quite up to scratch."

0:23:470:23:49

You don't think of trout being choosy, do you, but they must be.

0:23:490:23:51

-Yeah.

-I didn't know they could talk.

0:23:510:23:53

So as this is non sequiturs,

0:23:580:23:59

this doesn't lead me to wonder,

0:23:590:24:01

why was Squirrel Nutkin such a lying bastard?

0:24:010:24:05

I should know this cos I've been to the Beatrix Potter Museum.

0:24:070:24:10

-Have you? Where is it, the Lake District somewhere?

-Yes.

0:24:100:24:12

It's quite good.

0:24:120:24:14

-If you like Beatrix Potter, it's amazing.

-Yeah!

0:24:140:24:16

So we've been talking about lying, faking orgasms.

0:24:190:24:21

-It's to do with colour, is it?

-DEIDRE:

-Is it because he was ginger?

0:24:210:24:24

Well, Squirrel Nutkin as you rightly point out was a red squirrel,

0:24:240:24:26

but most other squirrels tend to pretend that

0:24:260:24:29

they've buried their food to trick potential thieves.

0:24:290:24:33

They dig a hole, they pretend to put a nut inside and cover it up,

0:24:330:24:36

all the time, the nut is actually still in their mouth.

0:24:360:24:39

And then they also re-cache,

0:24:390:24:41

so they bury nuts and then they return to them soon afterwards,

0:24:410:24:44

dig them up and bury them somewhere else.

0:24:440:24:45

They sometimes do this five times with the same stash.

0:24:450:24:48

But they did a study in 2008, almost a quarter of all squirrel burials,

0:24:480:24:53

that's of food at some sites, not of each other...

0:24:530:24:56

-..were faked.

-It's too late, you said squirrel burials so now...

0:24:580:25:01

They're gorgeous but they're like...

0:25:030:25:05

They're mainly unmarked, but you do see little headstones occasionally.

0:25:070:25:10

But here is the thing, there's been a debate since at least 1884,

0:25:130:25:17

and it rages on, whether squirrels remember where they hide their nuts

0:25:170:25:21

or whether they just hide as many as they can

0:25:210:25:23

and then return to a likely place.

0:25:230:25:25

Define "rages."

0:25:260:25:28

Well, there have been studies...

0:25:290:25:31

..since 1881.

0:25:320:25:33

There was one in 1991, a study done at Princeton.

0:25:330:25:36

Two...

0:25:360:25:38

So, they don't have a conclusion.

0:25:380:25:40

No. The thing is, it rages on.

0:25:400:25:43

It rages on.

0:25:450:25:46

Anybody know what kinds of nuts squirrels eat?

0:25:470:25:49

Do they like the caramelised ones you get on trolleys on...?

0:25:490:25:52

they love a mini pretzel as well, they love a mini pretzel.

0:25:540:25:57

-A snack selection.

-Yeah, Bombay mix, they like.

0:25:580:26:01

It is true, anything they can get hold of, is the truth.

0:26:010:26:03

Acorns, if oak trees are nearby,

0:26:030:26:05

walnuts, pecans, macadamia nuts, almonds.

0:26:050:26:08

Anybody know where the bulk of the world's almonds come from?

0:26:080:26:10

Kent.

0:26:110:26:12

The Garden of England.

0:26:130:26:15

No, it's California.

0:26:150:26:16

80% of the world's almonds come from California.

0:26:160:26:19

It uses a tremendous amount of water.

0:26:190:26:21

Enough to supply 75% of the state's human population

0:26:210:26:24

just to make the almonds.

0:26:240:26:26

So, 1.1 gallons of water to grow a single almond.

0:26:260:26:30

-What?

-What?

-I know. It's incredible.

0:26:300:26:32

Would they not be better sending that water to Las Vegas,

0:26:320:26:34

which is about to dry up?

0:26:340:26:35

Yes, there are serious issues about it.

0:26:350:26:37

-Forget the almonds, maybe.

-Well...

0:26:370:26:39

I don't know if the beekeepers would say so,

0:26:390:26:41

because you need 1.7 million colonies of honeybees

0:26:410:26:45

to pollinate them all,

0:26:450:26:47

so that is 80 billion bees to pollinate the almond trees,

0:26:470:26:51

and so beekeepers, they make money by renting out bees

0:26:510:26:54

to pollinate the trees in California,

0:26:540:26:56

and I can tell you the cost.

0:26:560:26:57

-It's one cent to rent one bee for a month.

-So...

0:26:570:27:01

I can rent a nun...

0:27:020:27:04

-..and a bee.

-Yeah.

0:27:070:27:08

The bee is better value at the one cent, I'd say.

0:27:080:27:11

And a steam powered manipulator if you know the right guy to go to.

0:27:130:27:16

Well...I don't want to distract my nun.

0:27:160:27:18

There was a fantastic story about a squirrel in 2015.

0:27:200:27:22

A squirrel got locked into the bar of Honeybourne Railway Club

0:27:220:27:27

in Worcestershire for the day, OK?

0:27:270:27:29

It got drunk,

0:27:310:27:32

and caused £300 worth of damage.

0:27:320:27:35

So the club secretary, a guy called Sam Boulter,

0:27:370:27:39

he said that all he could find was broken glass

0:27:390:27:41

and bottles knocked off shelves.

0:27:410:27:42

There was beer all over the floor,

0:27:420:27:44

there was money and straws scattered everywhere,

0:27:440:27:46

and he found the culprit hiding behind a box of crisps

0:27:460:27:50

looking, he said, "unsteady...

0:27:500:27:52

"..and worse for wear."

0:27:540:27:55

And now it's time for a game of Pin The Tail On The Numbat.

0:27:570:28:00

So you've got a card with a numbat on it

0:28:000:28:03

and a tail and the other team,

0:28:030:28:04

-you can just watch, so you could have a cup of tea if you like.

-Oh!

0:28:040:28:07

-So you've got some tea things.

-Oh, lovely.

0:28:070:28:09

However, you're going to have to be blindfolded.

0:28:090:28:11

This is QI so this is the blindfold that you're going to wear.

0:28:110:28:14

Who do you want to do the pinning?

0:28:140:28:16

-OK, so...

-These are weird.

0:28:160:28:18

But Phill is going to wear that as his blindfold.

0:28:180:28:22

These particular goggles mean that the person wearing them

0:28:220:28:25

sees the world upside down.

0:28:250:28:28

-Oh, weird.

-OK? So, if...

0:28:280:28:30

Oh, my goodness.

0:28:300:28:31

If you want to have...

0:28:330:28:35

Oh, I haven't been like this since my 18th birthday.

0:28:350:28:37

If you want to have some idea at home what that is like,

0:28:380:28:41

we can flip the picture on the monitors.

0:28:410:28:43

That is what Alan is currently seeing.

0:28:430:28:45

And he is just going to give it a go.

0:28:450:28:47

I can't see the thing.

0:28:470:28:48

-Where is it?

-So... DEIRDRE:

-Wrong side of the board.

0:28:480:28:51

There it is. There.

0:28:510:28:53

Oh, I can't... Oh!

0:28:530:28:54

There's the zebra crossing.

0:28:560:28:57

-Does it make you feel unwell, Alan?

-Yeah, it does.

0:28:570:29:00

Hang on. Oh, this is really awful.

0:29:010:29:04

-Hang on, I think I've got it now.

-OK.

0:29:050:29:07

I'll go the other way. This is hard.

0:29:110:29:13

-I'm going to put it there.

-Well done.

0:29:150:29:17

APPLAUSE

0:29:170:29:20

Right, Phill, pour a cup of tea for Deirdre, please.

0:29:220:29:24

I've never wanted you more.

0:29:240:29:26

Later, my darling.

0:29:280:29:29

You look like a...

0:29:290:29:31

mammal that hangs upside-down.

0:29:310:29:32

APPLAUSE

0:29:350:29:38

Phill is going to pour us a cup of tea...

0:29:390:29:41

YES, I AM!

0:29:410:29:42

I'll just sit back so as not to get the third degree burns.

0:29:430:29:47

Yeah!

0:29:470:29:48

Sugar, upside-down Irish lady?

0:29:480:29:50

-Just the tea.

-Oh, good.

0:29:510:29:53

It's really weird.

0:29:540:29:56

Oh, Nelly Furtado.

0:29:560:29:58

Oh!

0:30:000:30:02

Mummy

0:30:020:30:03

So that's it upside down.

0:30:030:30:05

To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left.

0:30:060:30:09

I don't know, don't talk to me!

0:30:090:30:10

Yes.

0:30:190:30:20

What does it feel like, Phill?

0:30:210:30:23

Glastonbury 2000.

0:30:230:30:24

APPLAUSE

0:30:260:30:28

Oh, oh, oh...

0:30:320:30:35

Are you getting used to it?

0:30:350:30:37

-Well done. Just...

-Go for it.

-Yes!

-Yes.

0:30:370:30:40

Yes. Yes!

0:30:400:30:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:420:30:44

Fantastic.

0:30:440:30:46

So, here's the thing.

0:30:490:30:50

What is extraordinary, in a sense,

0:30:500:30:52

the goggles are actually correcting your vision,

0:30:520:30:55

because your eyeballs, of course, deliver upside-down images

0:30:550:30:58

to your retinas which then are inverted by the brain.

0:30:580:31:00

So upside-down glasses actually show you the image

0:31:000:31:05

as it originally is when it hits your retina.

0:31:050:31:07

That was...just...

0:31:070:31:09

Can I buy these?

0:31:100:31:11

I imagine you could probably have those.

0:31:130:31:15

Don't wear them when you're driving, will you?

0:31:160:31:19

If you wore them for a sustained period of time,

0:31:210:31:23

the brain would adjust to the new vision.

0:31:230:31:25

You just would learn to function with it.

0:31:250:31:27

It would take you a couple of weeks.

0:31:270:31:28

And then it would take you a full day

0:31:280:31:30

when you took them off to readjust.

0:31:300:31:32

And there's some thought that new-born babies,

0:31:320:31:35

it's possible they see the world upside down for a very short period

0:31:350:31:37

before their brain learns to flip the image in the retinas.

0:31:370:31:41

I mean, we do know for certain that babies see things

0:31:410:31:43

in much more detail than we do,

0:31:430:31:45

so a baby that is less than six months old can recognise

0:31:450:31:47

different monkeys just by their faces alone.

0:31:470:31:50

And as we get older, we can only do that with human faces,

0:31:500:31:53

it's called perceptual narrowing.

0:31:530:31:55

We lose that gift quite early on.

0:31:550:31:56

They also have the capacity to learn four million languages or something, don't they?

0:31:560:32:00

-Yeah.

-But they just don't bother.

0:32:000:32:02

-They can't be arsed.

-Eventually they can barely speak English.

0:32:030:32:06

I like the idea of playing Pin The Tail On A Numbat, though.

0:32:070:32:10

Anyone know where they are? Where do they live? Numbats?

0:32:100:32:12

-Australia?

-Australia. Small Australian marsupial.

0:32:120:32:15

They eat 20,000 termites a day.

0:32:150:32:19

They're generally rather quiet but if they are disturbed,

0:32:190:32:21

they make a tutting noise.

0:32:210:32:23

"What did you do that for, Craig?"

0:32:240:32:26

"I'm trying to sleep off my termites."

0:32:260:32:28

But they sleep for as much as 15 hours a day.

0:32:300:32:32

They have the most ingenious way of protecting their burrow.

0:32:320:32:35

They climb in headfirst and then they reverse out,

0:32:350:32:38

they've got rather a tough bottom

0:32:380:32:40

and they reverse out till it wedges the entrance shut.

0:32:400:32:42

Yes.

0:32:430:32:45

It prevents MOST predators wanting to come in.

0:32:470:32:49

And they've evolved so much that as they reverse out of their burrow,

0:32:510:32:53

-they go...

-LORRY BEEPING

0:32:530:32:56

"Numbat reversing. Numbat reversing."

0:32:560:33:00

Right, let's put your props away, please.

0:33:020:33:05

Goodbye, numbat!

0:33:050:33:07

Go down into your hole.

0:33:070:33:08

Now, for a question on nutritional networking.

0:33:100:33:12

What's the first rule of fat club?

0:33:120:33:15

Well...

0:33:150:33:16

..I'm not allowed to say.

0:33:180:33:20

Don't talk about fat club?

0:33:210:33:23

SIREN WAILS

0:33:230:33:25

CHEERING

0:33:250:33:27

APPLAUSE

0:33:270:33:29

Do we think it's a real thing, fat club?

0:33:310:33:32

-What do you reckon, Deirdre?

-There probably is a fat club.

0:33:320:33:35

Well, there were, is the thing.

0:33:350:33:36

They existed all over the United States in the late 1800s

0:33:360:33:39

and the early 1900s.

0:33:390:33:41

My brothers!

0:33:410:33:42

To be a member, you had to be at least 200lb.

0:33:430:33:45

-So that's, what is that? 14st...

-Lightweight.

0:33:450:33:48

14st 3. And if you weren't heavy enough to attend,

0:33:480:33:51

you were not allowed to come in.

0:33:510:33:52

14st 4.

0:33:520:33:55

-What's that?

-200lb.

0:33:550:33:57

-Yeah, you're right.

-If you're on 14st 4 and you go to the loo,

0:33:570:34:00

you might come out at 14st 3.

0:34:000:34:01

It was really popular.

0:34:030:34:04

The New England fat men's club had 10,000 members at its peak.

0:34:040:34:09

The meetings involved really huge meals,

0:34:090:34:12

followed by physical activity such as leapfrog.

0:34:120:34:15

And then we all gather round the defibrillator.

0:34:190:34:21

"My turn!"

0:34:230:34:24

Britain had them and if you didn't weigh enough, in Britain,

0:34:250:34:28

you had to pay a fine to charity.

0:34:280:34:30

We've still got them, they're called schools.

0:34:300:34:33

GROANING AND SHOCKED LAUGHTER

0:34:330:34:35

Satire, come on!

0:34:360:34:38

And the French had them, they were Les Cent Kilos.

0:34:380:34:40

100 kilos is 220lbs,

0:34:400:34:43

so it was slightly more demanding entry requirement.

0:34:430:34:46

Did people join them for fun, or was it sort of a status thing?

0:34:460:34:48

It was thought that if you were wealthy enough to be that fat,

0:34:480:34:51

then you were an important businessperson,

0:34:510:34:53

so when they had the presidential race in 1908,

0:34:530:34:56

between William Taft and William Bryan,

0:34:560:34:58

they were both obese,

0:34:580:34:59

and in fact there was a Chicago senator at the time who thought

0:34:590:35:02

there should be a law that you had to weigh at least 200lbs

0:35:020:35:04

to hold political office,

0:35:040:35:05

and the idea was that it was a big country, it needed a big president,

0:35:050:35:08

is what they said, so...

0:35:080:35:10

You could buy lots of things for obese people at the time.

0:35:100:35:12

You could buy a spring-loaded roller-skate,

0:35:120:35:14

and the boost provided by the spring depended on the weight on it.

0:35:140:35:17

So a 150lb person could get moving at 6mph,

0:35:170:35:21

but a 200lb person would reach 10mph.

0:35:210:35:23

The fatter you were, the faster you would go.

0:35:230:35:25

And if you were under 100lb, the skates just...

0:35:260:35:28

-Nothing. Nothing happening.

-Do you not feel that this is just a way of

0:35:280:35:31

exterminating the fat?

0:35:310:35:32

If you weighed 300lb, you went at 70mph...

0:35:340:35:36

..into an oncoming train.

0:35:370:35:39

There's an extraordinary thing about food.

0:35:400:35:42

There was a study in 2015.

0:35:420:35:44

They found that men eat twice as much

0:35:440:35:47

-when they are in the company of women.

-How weird.

0:35:470:35:50

Do you think it's true?

0:35:500:35:51

Why is he eating so much? He doesn't want to talk to her.

0:35:510:35:53

Is that what it is?

0:35:530:35:54

You see those, don't you?

0:35:560:35:57

It's disconcerting when you're at a table

0:35:570:36:00

and you really think, "that couple next to us haven't spoken yet."

0:36:000:36:02

My wife's very attuned to it.

0:36:020:36:04

If we sit next to one of those couples that don't talk,

0:36:040:36:06

it ruins our meal.

0:36:060:36:08

"Will you say something, please? My wife wants to listen."

0:36:080:36:10

I love it when you hear a single sentence then you don't hear

0:36:120:36:14

-the rest of the story. You think, "What the hell was that bit?"

-Yeah.

0:36:140:36:17

So I was in a restaurant and I just overheard the one thing

0:36:170:36:20

from this other table and it said,

0:36:200:36:22

"Well, we sold the foot spa when Barbara had to give up waitressing."

0:36:220:36:25

It's irresistible, isn't it?

0:36:290:36:31

-What's happened?

-Well, the running costs of a foot spa,

0:36:310:36:34

I mean you've got to be able to afford it, don't you?

0:36:340:36:36

But also, HAVING to give up waitressing.

0:36:360:36:38

Because she was in, for instance, prison.

0:36:410:36:43

Yes. I'll never know!

0:36:430:36:44

The first rule of fat club is that you have to be fat.

0:36:460:36:49

And now, the bit of the non sequiturs show

0:36:490:36:52

where nothing follows.

0:36:520:36:53

General ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:36:530:36:56

Who's in charge in a pack of wolves?

0:36:560:36:59

-Miles?

-The one in the hat.

0:37:000:37:02

Is there not one?

0:37:060:37:08

Yeah. They used to think that a pack of wolves had an alpha male,

0:37:080:37:11

who's won through a contest or a rivalry or something.

0:37:110:37:13

In reality, most wolf packs are just families,

0:37:130:37:16

and the leaders of those families are the parents.

0:37:160:37:18

The concept of the alpha male was popularised by a wildlife biologist

0:37:180:37:21

called David Mech in the 1960s.

0:37:210:37:23

He has spent the rest of his career

0:37:230:37:25

trying to convince people he was wrong.

0:37:250:37:27

Yeah. It was based on a study of captive wolves

0:37:290:37:31

where normal behaviour goes completely out of the window.

0:37:310:37:34

Why isn't the caribou anti-wolf strategy

0:37:340:37:37

working as well as it might?

0:37:370:37:40

So, they've got an anti-wolf strategy,

0:37:400:37:42

cos wolves will take their young.

0:37:420:37:44

Is it changing climate?

0:37:440:37:45

Well, the caribou is the North American version of the reindeer.

0:37:450:37:48

-Uh-huh.

-So, they thought, oh, there's loads of wolves here,

0:37:480:37:50

we're going to move, and they moved to a different part of the world

0:37:500:37:53

where...

0:37:530:37:54

"Caribou gone."

0:37:540:37:55

-..black bear live.

-Ah.

0:37:550:37:56

Oh, dear.

0:37:570:37:58

Yeah. They've avoided the wolves,

0:37:580:38:00

and are losing even more of their young to the black bears.

0:38:000:38:03

-To bears?

-Yeah.

0:38:030:38:04

Let's go and live in this tiger enclosure.

0:38:040:38:06

That'll get rid of those midges, won't it?

0:38:080:38:10

There's no such thing as the alpha male, there's just mum and dad.

0:38:120:38:15

Do an impression of a gun with a silencer being fired.

0:38:150:38:19

Pfff.

0:38:190:38:20

SIREN WAILS

0:38:230:38:26

APPLAUSE

0:38:260:38:28

Phill?

0:38:320:38:34

(Bang.)

0:38:340:38:35

Er... No.

0:38:360:38:38

They cannot eliminate the sound of a gun.

0:38:380:38:39

They don't even call them silencers these days.

0:38:390:38:41

They're called moderators in the UK, suppressors in the United States.

0:38:410:38:45

They can easily be heard if used in public,

0:38:450:38:47

so criminals never bother with the silencer.

0:38:470:38:49

So they were very cocky when they came up with the name silencer,

0:38:490:38:52

-weren't they?

-Well...

0:38:520:38:53

It was invented by a man called Hiram Percy Maxim in 1902,

0:38:530:38:57

and he was the son of the man who invented the machinegun.

0:38:570:39:00

Oh.

0:39:000:39:01

Hiram Stevens Maxim. He was an American,

0:39:010:39:03

but he came over to Britain and did lots of his inventions

0:39:030:39:05

in West Norwood in Surrey in a garage

0:39:050:39:09

which belonged to my great-grandfather.

0:39:090:39:11

-Field John Jackson Trickett...

-Excellent.

0:39:110:39:14

And he and Sir Hiram worked together,

0:39:140:39:16

and what I love is when they were working on the machinegun,

0:39:160:39:18

if they wanted to test, they wanted to warn the neighbours,

0:39:180:39:21

they used to put an ad in the local paper to say...

0:39:210:39:23

.."We're going to test the gun."

0:39:240:39:26

And Maxim also created peaceful things.

0:39:260:39:28

He created the captive flying machine,

0:39:280:39:30

which is an amusement ride you can still ride in Blackpool.

0:39:300:39:33

The nuns would have loved it.

0:39:330:39:34

And that was built by my grandfather Field Trickett.

0:39:350:39:37

And it's still going today.

0:39:370:39:38

What did Tommy Cooper wear on his head?

0:39:380:39:40

-Let me...

-CHOPPING

0:39:410:39:43

Thank you. A fez.

0:39:430:39:45

SIREN WAILS

0:39:450:39:47

APPLAUSE

0:39:470:39:49

No, a fez comes from Turkey, his came from Egypt.

0:39:510:39:54

It's called a tarboosh. And they're slightly different.

0:39:540:39:57

A fez is a little bit shorter than a tarboosh.

0:39:570:39:59

It's a bit wider at the base...

0:39:590:40:00

-It can affect your gait.

-It can affect your...!

0:40:000:40:02

They are very, very heavy hats.

0:40:070:40:09

Always bend at the knee.

0:40:120:40:14

Apparently, Cooper was entertaining the troops in Cairo

0:40:150:40:17

and he'd forgotten his helmet that he always wore onstage,

0:40:170:40:20

so he swiped it off a waiter's head.

0:40:200:40:21

And, this is a lovely story, later in life,

0:40:210:40:23

he tried one on in a Cairo market

0:40:230:40:25

and the seller, who didn't recognise him, said, "Just like that."

0:40:250:40:28

And Cooper said, "Why did you say that?"

0:40:280:40:31

And the seller said, "Because every single English person

0:40:310:40:33

"who ever comes here..."

0:40:330:40:34

"..tries one and says that,

0:40:380:40:39

"and you're the very first person who hasn't said it."

0:40:390:40:41

Strictly speaking, of course, it shouldn't even be called a hat,

0:40:420:40:45

-it's actually a cap because a hat has a rim, and a cap has no rim.

-Oh!

0:40:450:40:48

Now, to finish off, a spelling test.

0:40:480:40:50

You'll see a series of true facts on the screen

0:40:500:40:52

and I want you to buzz in as quickly as you can

0:40:520:40:54

to tell me which is the correct spelling, A or B.

0:40:540:40:57

So let's have a look.

0:40:570:40:58

-Which one is correct?

-A is correct.

0:41:020:41:04

A is correct, very, very good.

0:41:040:41:06

OK, next one.

0:41:060:41:07

-"Cut!"

-Yes.

-A.

0:41:130:41:15

A is correct. Very, very good.

0:41:150:41:17

And let's look at the next one.

0:41:170:41:19

-Yes?

-B.

-You think B is true?

0:41:250:41:27

SIREN WAILS

0:41:270:41:29

No, nobody died.

0:41:290:41:30

-No.

-A horse died, didn't he?

0:41:310:41:32

Nobody died, but somebody was dyed, is the truth of it.

0:41:320:41:37

So it's often claimed that an extra was trampled underfoot

0:41:370:41:39

in the Charlton Heston film, not true.

0:41:390:41:41

But a man was dyed, D-Y-E-D on the set.

0:41:410:41:44

They had a pond and the water was too brown and murky,

0:41:440:41:48

so they put loads of blue dye in it.

0:41:480:41:50

And during one of the battle scenes, an extra fell in and...

0:41:500:41:53

..was dyed blue.

0:41:550:41:57

And generously, MGM kept him on the payroll

0:41:580:42:00

until he returned to his normal colour.

0:42:000:42:03

And that brings me to the scores.

0:42:110:42:13

Oh, well. It's rather magnificent. In first place,

0:42:130:42:15

with an astonishing two points,

0:42:150:42:17

it's Miles!

0:42:170:42:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:190:42:21

In second place with a very creditable minus 2, Alan.

0:42:240:42:27

Oh, thank you.

0:42:270:42:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:290:42:30

With minus 5 in third place, it's Phill.

0:42:320:42:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:350:42:37

Deirdre, the nuns would be proud.

0:42:400:42:42

Minus 16!

0:42:420:42:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:440:42:46

It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Phill, Miles and Alan

0:42:530:42:56

and I leave you with this from the Sunday Correspondent.

0:42:560:42:59

Jack Rains, a candidate for governor of Texas,

0:42:590:43:02

has come up with his own ten-point educational plan

0:43:020:43:05

to combat innumeracy and illiteracy in the US.

0:43:050:43:08

When someone pointed out

0:43:080:43:10

that his plan actually only contained nine points,

0:43:100:43:13

Mr Rains replied, "You just pointed your finger

0:43:130:43:16

"and emphasised the problem we're trying to resolve."

0:43:160:43:19

Goodnight.

0:43:190:43:20

APPLAUSE

0:43:200:43:23