Medieval and Macabre QI


Medieval and Macabre

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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Gooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we are musing on the medieval and the macabre.

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Joining me in the Dark Ages are king of the castle, David Mitchell.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Queen of the May, Julia Zemiro.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Lord of the Manor, Matt Lucas.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And a "knight" on the tiles, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And their buzzers are all very much connected with middle age.

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David goes...

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MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT

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Julia goes...

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MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT

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It's the Middle Ages, all right. Matt goes...

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MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT

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And Alan goes...

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'Dear sir, why, oh, why, oh, why

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'must we always have endless monks chanting on the BBC?'

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LAUGHTER

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Which of these did they not have in the Middle Ages?

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-Sweet, no...

-Shush!

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LAUGHTER

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-DAVID:

-Iron maiden.

-Well...

-They didn't have Iron...

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Well, no, I'm not... Yeah, I'm aware there is a group.

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The most medieval thing seems that thing with the spikes that you

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put someone in, that'll be the thing they didn't actually have then.

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You are absolutely right.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The iron maiden, as you say, that sort of sarcophagus with spikes,

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they weren't even thought of or imagined until 1793.

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I was going to say, I thought they were invented by Paul Daniels

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or somebody.

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Spanish Inquisition, must be the Spanish Inquisition.

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Well, they weren't used in the Spanish Inquisition,

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because they weren't invented till 1793, which was...

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LAUGHTER

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After. My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition was

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they put a pole up your anus and they'd do it in such a way that

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it avoids all of your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder

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and then just leave you there for people to look at.

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LAUGHTER

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I like the first part of that.

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LAUGHTER

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It's an actual pole, it's not a Polish gentleman,

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it's an actual pole.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh. Less keen then, less keen.

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-I thought an iron maiden was a chastity belt?

-No.

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-I'd like it to be though.

-They call that a chastity belt, actually.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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So they didn't ever exist?

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Well, in 1793, an archaeologist by the name of Johann Siebenkees,

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gave an account of one which was a hoax.

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And then 100 years or so later, a guy called Matthaus Pfau,

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had one installed in Kyburg, his Swiss castle,

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as a visitor attraction.

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It became the prototype for all the other iron maidens

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that were used in museums, and indeed in movies.

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So they hadn't really been used as a method of torture?

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No, that's what I mean, exactly. They were just a hoax, essentially.

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"Here's one for you. Here's one for you!"

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-What a weird hoax.

-It is, isn't it?

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But if we go back to my little manuscript word cloud,

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maybe other ones didn't exist in medieval times.

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Well, there wasn't much cardboard about.

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So if there were greeting cards, they wouldn't have been...

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Not big readers either, not many people could read.

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-Or write.

-Exactly, but in fact there were single sheet wood cuts

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found from the mid-15th century, with pictures on them,

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wishing the recipient a very good year, even.

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-It seems a rather modern idea.

-"Sorry you've been unwell."

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LAUGHTER

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But those banderols, those little kind of bubbles, were very popular

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and they'd say things, probably not "sorry you've been unwell,"

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but things like "a very good year," so they did exist.

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What else might have existed or did exist in that era?

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-Sweet and sour sauce, definitely.

-Yeah.

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What they called sour sweet, in fact, Egurdouce,

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and they used vinegar and sugar, cinnamon, orange, onions,

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whatever they could get their hands on, currants.

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Didn't they use onions to sweeten things?

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Yeah, well, onions do contain more sugar than sugar beets,

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as long as you cook them, hence the caramelised, you know, thing.

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They're a bit onion-y, though, as well.

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They can be sweet,

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but you wouldn't want too many puddings being that onion-y.

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No, do you know, it's true, they're not that sweet, because

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if you ever go to the freezer and you go for a Mini Milk

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and you've left a bag of onion rings next to the Mini Milks

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in the freezer, the Mini Milks don't taste right.

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What an insight!

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The Mini Milks taste a bit onion-y. Yeah.

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-What is a Mini Milk?

-What is a Mini Milk?!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Do you mean one of those sweets that looks like a tiny bottle of milk?

-No.

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No, it's ice cream on a stick, basically.

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It's basically what, when you want a Magnum

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and your mum won't buy you a Magnum, you get a Mini Milk.

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And you keep those with onion rings in the freezer?

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Well, no, I didn't, I have separate shelves.

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You've got to keep sweet and... Put me on camera!

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LAUGHTER

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You've got to keep sweet and savouries separate in freezers,

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guys, come on!

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No, Mini Milks are nice.

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They're like, I don't know,

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if you can't get a Sparkle, get a Mini Milk, I don't know.

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-What's a Sparkle?

-Oh, dear.

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-LAUGHTER

-What's your ice cream of choice?

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I used to like Mivvies when I was a boy.

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-Well...

-That's the point!

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-OK.

-Now I'm an adult!

-Right.

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-I eat olives and I eat cheese.

-Right.

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LAUGHTER

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This has all gone very weird!

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-You started it with the whole pork belly thing.

-Right.

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I want to live in the Middle Ages now,

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because they seem to have grown-up food, at least.

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-Question, Mr Fry. Question from the floor, Mr Fry.

-Yeah?

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What is a prefab?

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-Oh, don't you have those in Australia?

-I don't know, tell me.

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It means a sort of modular building that is made outside the site...

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-Brought to site.

-..and then brought to it and assembled.

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It's associated with low-cost housing.

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-The Duchess of Cambridge grew up in one.

-Did she?

-Did she?

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No.

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LAUGHTER

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She grew up on an estate.

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I just like the fact that people think she was common as muck!

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-William the Conqueror had prefabs, didn't he?

-Did he?

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Didn't they bring prefab castles over, with the Norman...

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Not the Normandy landings, the other way round.

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-The Hastings landing.

-Yeah.

-They brought loads of...

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Yeah, cos all the plug sockets are different here

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and they wanted their own wiring.

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LAUGHTER

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There's certainly the example of prefab housing that we have

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is the Vikings, in fact, who, when they invaded Orkney,

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found there was virtually nowhere to live and so they came back with

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supplies on longboats of prefab little houses.

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And that's presumably where Vikings got the idea of flat-pack furniture.

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LAUGHTER

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That leaves us, I think, with official commemorative merchandise.

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Would that be if you went to sort of...

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They used to be very keen on seeing a rotting old bit of a saint.

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Very much so.

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If you were medieval, there was one saint who was more or less

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contemporary, who was a martyr.

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They would stop off at this cathedral where he was murdered, famously.

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-Who would that be?

-Thomas Becket.

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-Thomas Becket, exactly.

-Points!

-Points!

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Points, solid points.

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In the 12th century Thomas Becket was killed by Henry II

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and they immediately tried to sell his blood

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and that ran out rather quickly, so they diluted it.

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But also they sold little swords,

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little simulacra of the swords that had stabbed him

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and you could buy one of those.

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And it was official, you know.

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It was, as it were, stamped with Canterbury.

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-They've still got a shop in the cathedral.

-Well, exactly. Yeah.

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The Middle Ages, in fact, featured lots of very useful inventions,

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but tell me, what has been called, "The wickedest, silliest,

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"most insane and most disastrous book in world literature"?

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The Liar, by Stephen Fry.

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LAUGHTER

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-Ah! It probably is.

-Mein Kampf.

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That would be a very sensible guess.

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-And, in the interests of balance, The Da Vinci Code also.

-Yes!

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ALARM SOUNDS

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APPLAUSE

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These self-help books, the books that say

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if you just change the way you think, you'll be fine.

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I mean, you know, everyone's got a mood board for something.

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A mood board.

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Maybe there was a medieval mood board of some kind, but, yeah.

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You're right to mention the medieval era

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because it was a book of the 15th century.

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Foxe's Book Of Martyrs?

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No, that was a little later, but let me give you its title.

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Malleus Maleficorum.

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Maleficarum, I beg your pardon, because that's the point.

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If you know your Latin, that means malleus.

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If you take the "US" off and put a "T" from malleus.

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-Mallet.

-Mallet.

-A hammer. So malleus is hammer.

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Timmy Mallet's autobiography?

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LAUGHTER

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-Sorry, I'm bringing the tone down, I know.

-No, you're not.

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Is it the, mallific...

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Is that like the bad doing hammer thing, you know?

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Well, no, it's the "of the", that's genitive.

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-Come on, boy! That's genitive.

-Come on.

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LAUGHTER

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So it's the hammer OF the bad-doing people,

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but the arum, not orum, tells you it's bad...

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-Doing women.

-Yes!

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-Bad doing women and their hammer.

-No, the hammer of.

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Yeah, yeah, no, exactly.

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I want to beat them down.

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-The Crazy Witches Of Eastwick.

-Witches!

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-Oh, witches!

-You said it!

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APPLAUSE

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-We're supposed to hammer them?

-Hammer of the witches, that means.

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-So they don't own the hammer?

-No!

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-We own the hammer...

-No.

-..and we hammer away at them?

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I am more confused than when I talked about Mini Milk.

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LAUGHTER

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We had a Latin parsing essay in which the malleus maleficarum

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turned out to mean "the hammer of witches."

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-Right.

-The way to beat witches.

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And this was a text book about how to destroy and find witches.

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Now, it was strange cos it was mid-15th century

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and in the mid-15th century the Church banned belief in witches.

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So this wasn't a time of witch burnings or anything of the nature.

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But the very nature of the success of the book meant that

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a slow movement grew in which witches should be found and burned

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and tortured and so on.

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This book was therefore called

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the silliest, most wicked book ever written

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because it made appalling claims about women that,

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for example, that they dispossessed men of their penises.

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As if!

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LAUGHTER

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They would take their penises, put them on a tray

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and the penises would wander around of their own volition, eating...

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-Well, yes.

-..eating oats and corn.

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LAUGHTER

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-No, not corn, not maize corn.

-With a simple pecking motion?

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LAUGHTER

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Or like with a suction? How would they do it?

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Do you know the theory about the witch's broomstick,

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about how it might have developed?

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Yeah, they put it up your anus and it reaches your shoulder...

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It's funny you should say that, Matt Lucas,

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-because, yes, they put them up their anus.

-What?

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Now, you may say, why would a woman stick a broomstick up her botty?

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I'm so glad we're having this conversation.

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LAUGHTER

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But anyway, the point is, there is a substance that has been accused,

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if you like, throughout history of being behind a lot of episodes

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of mass hysteria and hallucination and so on,

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and the substance is called ergot.

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-Have you heard of ergot?

-No, where can you get it?

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-You can get it if you live near a field of rye.

-Oh, OK.

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Where rye grows, it is a fungus that grows on rye

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and its spores can be breathed in and it is not unlike lysergic acid,

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which is the "L" of LSD and it causes weird trips.

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Now, with any drug, there are different ways of ingesting it.

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Intra-nasally, orally...

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Or on a broomstick up your arse?

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-..intravenously or in a suppository form.

-Right.

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So one way would be to take it and to grease up your...

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LAUGHTER

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-I am not making this up!

-Grease up your pole with ergot.

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Grease up your pole and scatter it with bits of ergot and then whoo!

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LAUGHTER

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And then you FEEL like you're flying...

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-That's basically it.

-What does that mean?

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How much ergot are those kids at Hogwarts getting through?

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LAUGHTER

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It's not appropriate to encourage that kind of drug-taking

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-in the young.

-It isn't.

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And there is another theory that it was actually intra-vaginal,

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-rather than intra-anal...

-Lovely.

-..so that it was covered on the broom

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and then it went sort of smoothly up.

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I can't see anything smooth about this at all.

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-I don't know.

-It would be like, OW!

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Does another witch apply it to you? You do that yourself?!

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You'd be a great gynaecologist though, Stephen,

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cos you're very calm, the way you're explaining everything.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's get more decent here.

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How do you get a whole row of seats to yourself

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on a Virgin Airways flight?

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Oh, if you're REALLY fat.

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That would, yeah, I think they might be able to get rid of an arm,

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but I don't think they'd let you on if you were any fatter.

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-No, but like REALLY fat. Oh, I see what you mean.

-Die?

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-Is the right answer. You'd have to die.

-Die!

-Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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You can't make people sit next to the dead.

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That's the truth, isn't it?

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Basically, I think that would be what it was.

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And if you're flying, say, London to New York,

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if you're near enough and someone dies,

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you'd turn around and all the other passengers would go, "Oh, really!

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"Could have had some consideration!"

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LAUGHTER

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But once you've passed that point of no return, as they call it,

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then there's nothing you can do about it, except go on to New York.

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But what if the plane's full?

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Do they keep a row for the dead just in case?

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In which case, if they keep a row for the dead,

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-what if two people die?

-Exactly.

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There's always a row at the back and the crew use it for having a kip.

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-What it means is, the crew will then have to be awake...

-Yes.

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..because of the dead bloke.

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-That'll piss them off.

-Does it happen a lot, though?

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Oh, now, this is what's interesting.

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British Airways have about ten deaths a year in flight.

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Well, that food is just...

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LAUGHTER

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That's for 36 million passengers.

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So if you extrapolate out to the rather amazing 3.5 BILLION passengers

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that fly every year, that means there must be around 1,000 deaths a year.

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And different airlines have different ways of doing it.

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Singapore Airlines have a corpse cupboard.

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I don't know why it's funny, but it is,

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so no-one need even know there's a dead person.

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Oh, I'm sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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It's all so Fawlty Towers, isn't it?

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If I ever die on a plane,

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I should like to be stored in the overhead lockers.

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LAUGHTER

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-For the rest of time.

-Yes.

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British Airways, however, you get a good deal if you die,

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because you go to First Class.

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-Yeah.

-Excellent, at last.

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One long-established steward said,

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"Many years ago we used to give them a vodka and tonic, a Daily Mail

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"and eye shades and tell passengers they were fine.

0:15:460:15:48

"We don't do that any more."

0:15:480:15:50

LAUGHTER

0:15:500:15:53

It's bad enough being dead, but having to hold a Daily Mail!

0:15:530:15:56

Holy crap!

0:15:560:15:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:15:590:16:02

The Daily Mail and other newspapers, not just the Daily Mail,

0:16:050:16:08

when they talk about their circulation, they are also

0:16:080:16:12

including the newspapers that they give away for free.

0:16:120:16:15

So I don't think the airlines, or any of those kind of institutions

0:16:150:16:18

-actually PAY for the newspapers.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

0:16:180:16:21

-So the Daily Mail is mainly dead people on airplanes.

-Yes.

0:16:210:16:25

But the dead are very, very right wing.

0:16:250:16:28

LAUGHTER

0:16:280:16:30

It's true.

0:16:300:16:32

All right, now, Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea

0:16:320:16:37

and is called...?

0:16:370:16:39

David Walliams!

0:16:390:16:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:410:16:45

He's a very strong swimmer, isn't he? He's a very strong swimmer.

0:16:490:16:53

Oh, dear.

0:16:530:16:55

Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea

0:16:550:16:58

and is called Matt?

0:16:580:17:00

-David Walliams.

-Yeah!

0:17:000:17:02

LAUGHTER

0:17:020:17:04

And called Matt? Is it just a mat?

0:17:040:17:07

-No.

-Well, yes.

-Well, yes, of some...

-It's a mat.

0:17:070:17:10

Yeah, so I am clever.

0:17:100:17:12

LAUGHTER

0:17:120:17:13

Is it some kind of sea vegetable?

0:17:130:17:16

It's sea life, sea matter, that's cohered.

0:17:160:17:20

-How big would it be, a mat?

-Algae. Huge, huge.

0:17:200:17:23

-Yeah.

-Hundreds of thousands of square miles.

0:17:230:17:26

Certainly the biggest we know of is about the size of Greece.

0:17:260:17:29

-There you are, you see?

-Wow, see. You ARE clever.

0:17:290:17:31

It's not in Greece or near Greece.

0:17:310:17:33

It's off the coast of Peru and Chile.

0:17:330:17:35

Ugh, look at David Walliams(!)

0:17:350:17:37

LAUGHTER

0:17:370:17:38

Stop it!

0:17:380:17:40

No, don't stop, carry on.

0:17:400:17:42

It's microbial, it's a whole load of microbes,

0:17:420:17:46

so many of them that they can create this matter that's thick and...

0:17:460:17:49

-It's mat matter.

-Mat matter, exactly.

0:17:490:17:52

Don't say anything bad about them, because we owe the photosynthesis

0:17:520:17:56

and the oxygen-rich nature of our own atmosphere to these.

0:17:560:18:00

We couldn't live without them. They're very important.

0:18:000:18:03

I've been served that in a motorway service station.

0:18:030:18:06

They eat hydrogen and they breathe nitrates

0:18:060:18:09

and they live in streams and lakes, as well as the ocean.

0:18:090:18:12

They're very, very, very exciting.

0:18:120:18:14

Here, I know you like wonderful information, the total weight of

0:18:140:18:19

microbes in the ocean is equivalent to 240 BILLION African elephants.

0:18:190:18:25

The good thing about that is that really helps me visualise that.

0:18:300:18:33

-That's very, very helpful.

-Let me help you more then.

0:18:330:18:36

35 elephants made of microbes for everyone on the planet.

0:18:360:18:41

So each of us have got 35 elephants made of microbes surrounding us now.

0:18:410:18:45

-We're rich!

-35, that's a lot of elephants.

0:18:450:18:48

The time has come to rule out lifting all that in one go.

0:18:480:18:51

-You're right.

-You learn a lot on this show.

0:18:510:18:54

I never knew that the ocean was made up of 35,000 billion elephants.

0:18:540:19:00

I've really been educated.

0:19:000:19:03

No wonder elephants are endangered,

0:19:030:19:05

when you think of the number who've been drowned

0:19:050:19:08

to create a mat for the bottom of the sea.

0:19:080:19:11

That's probably why the trunks... They were trying to evolve snorkels.

0:19:110:19:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:160:19:19

Oh, dear.

0:19:230:19:25

I can see that I've not really explained myself very well.

0:19:250:19:28

And now for something slightly mucky.

0:19:280:19:30

Alan, have you ever had your dirt-hole burgled

0:19:300:19:33

without your knowledge?

0:19:330:19:34

LAUGHTER

0:19:340:19:37

Do you know what, I'm not going to answer that.

0:19:410:19:46

Fair enough.

0:19:460:19:47

I'm actually writing to Points Of View now, at this point.

0:19:470:19:52

It's a question to do with the macabre side of human life - muck.

0:19:520:19:57

Oh, is this something like, in some contexts,

0:19:570:20:00

-excrement has a value?

-Yes.

-Like people want it for...

0:20:000:20:03

-Where there's muck...

-Yes, they need it for fertiliser or whatever,

0:20:030:20:06

and so, people would sell their... You know, their shit, and so,

0:20:060:20:09

obviously, other people would steal it.

0:20:090:20:11

Which gave it a value. And if something has a value,

0:20:110:20:14

there will always be some who wish to steal it.

0:20:140:20:16

Is this in medieval times, or now?

0:20:160:20:17

-No, it's not medieval, it's 18th and 19th centuries.

-Right.

0:20:170:20:20

-I think the question is flawed.

-How so?

0:20:200:20:22

Because if I'd have had my dirt-hole burgled without my knowledge,

0:20:220:20:26

I wouldn't know about it, would I?

0:20:260:20:27

LAUGHTER

0:20:270:20:30

Touche! You're absolutely right.

0:20:300:20:32

-So, I don't know. Is it?

-Is the right answer.

0:20:320:20:36

-Possibly.

-Possibly, yeah.

0:20:360:20:38

So, people kept their rubbish in holes that could be collected.

0:20:380:20:41

It was a bin collection.

0:20:410:20:43

The dustmen and the dustcart were often collecting dust, as well,

0:20:430:20:47

because it was simply dirt that people had swept up

0:20:470:20:49

and poured into a little hole or into a bucket in a hole -

0:20:490:20:53

the dirt hole. Because everything was recycled, even family pets,

0:20:530:20:56

when they died, had a value. You know, a white cat - sixpence,

0:20:560:20:59

a multicoloured cat - fourpence.

0:20:590:21:01

In those days, the "flying dustmen", as they were called,

0:21:010:21:05

the people who came to collect it, they would pay to get it,

0:21:050:21:08

rather than you paying rates to have it removed.

0:21:080:21:11

There was hardware and software.

0:21:110:21:13

The software would be things like a dead cat.

0:21:130:21:15

And the hardware is broken crockery, oyster shells

0:21:150:21:17

and things like that, which road-builders could use.

0:21:170:21:20

Anyway, one last medieval question.

0:21:200:21:23

How many uses can you think of for a monk's earwax?

0:21:230:21:26

Oh, it's endless. Candles.

0:21:270:21:29

-Yeah, candles will be a...

-Polishing wood.

0:21:290:21:32

-They might have done.

-That sounds like a euphemism.

-But um...

0:21:320:21:35

LAUGHTER

0:21:350:21:37

-I meant it...

-Not much else to do in a monastery, is there?

0:21:370:21:39

Well, I know. I know. Polishing their own wood.

0:21:390:21:41

What have monks handed down to us?

0:21:410:21:43

-Mostly?

-Bibles.

-Bibles and manuscripts, illustrated...

0:21:430:21:45

Spend their lifetime writing them out, copying them out.

0:21:450:21:48

-Inscriptorial.

-Doing lines, basically.

-Yes.

0:21:480:21:50

There's a picture of a happy monk doing his illuminations.

0:21:500:21:53

And that side of it, the paint-y side of it is,

0:21:530:21:55

they used a substance called glair,

0:21:550:21:58

G-L-A-I-R,

0:21:580:21:59

and it tended to get bubbled.

0:21:590:22:02

But they found, if they added earwax into it,

0:22:020:22:05

they could get a really smooth, beautiful lustre and sheen

0:22:050:22:09

to the illustrations that they were doing,

0:22:090:22:12

which have lasted us down the centuries.

0:22:120:22:14

How do you think of that though, to go, "Hmm, I'll paint with that"?

0:22:140:22:17

A thing you might try at home

0:22:170:22:19

is that you could take a pint of foaming beer

0:22:190:22:22

and then pop a little earwax

0:22:220:22:24

into the head of your foaming tankard,

0:22:240:22:27

and the bubbles should collapse.

0:22:270:22:28

-That's...

-If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man.

0:22:280:22:31

LAUGHTER

0:22:310:22:33

I think you're right.

0:22:360:22:37

It would be better if it was the other way round,

0:22:370:22:39

that you had a sort of flat liquid

0:22:390:22:41

-and then you put a bit of earwax in, and it went fizzy.

-Yeah.

0:22:410:22:45

Chuck some sodium in your beer, that should work.

0:22:450:22:47

-Which orifice does sodium come out of?

-Well, there is that!

0:22:470:22:51

They left other little things for us, little minusculae,

0:22:510:22:55

little hands that pointed to certain sections of the text in the Bible.

0:22:550:22:58

I don't know if you can see one on the left?

0:22:580:23:00

If you've read the Name Of The Rose,

0:23:000:23:02

they left clues everywhere about all sorts.

0:23:020:23:04

Yeah, and octopuses, you can see an octopus at the top.

0:23:040:23:06

They liked octopuses.

0:23:060:23:08

Is that a person with a huge sort of trumpet up his bottom?

0:23:080:23:12

-It's something odd, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is.

-Yeah.

0:23:120:23:14

I don't know what they're doing there. They're praising the Lord.

0:23:140:23:17

And above, they'd often have knights fighting snails.

0:23:170:23:19

HE TOOTS

0:23:190:23:21

-It's so boring in those monasteries.

-Exactly.

0:23:210:23:24

That the old fart trumpet was the favourite.

0:23:240:23:26

-I was going to say on a Sunday, but perhaps not.

-No.

0:23:280:23:31

Well, they used to leave...

0:23:310:23:32

HE PARPS

0:23:320:23:33

Dinner!

0:23:330:23:36

LAUGHTER

0:23:360:23:37

They used to leave little remarks like, "Oh, God, it's cold in here"

0:23:370:23:40

-or, "I'm so bored"...

-Around the Bible.

-..just like anybody would.

0:23:400:23:43

-Just like school kids on a desk.

-Exactly like that.

0:23:430:23:46

-So, why are they fighting snails in the picture?

-No-one's quite sure.

0:23:460:23:50

But it's a common feature, knights versus snails.

0:23:500:23:53

They seem to like it.

0:23:530:23:54

Some people may think it was a symbol of the struggle of the poor

0:23:540:23:57

against the aristocracy.

0:23:570:23:58

I think people shouldn't watch this show any more.

0:23:580:24:00

-LAUGHTER

-It's giving them ideas.

-Yeah.

0:24:000:24:03

Do you think they had loads of snails

0:24:030:24:05

in these cold, damp monasteries?

0:24:050:24:06

There were snails everywhere and they were hoping...

0:24:060:24:09

-That could be it!

-..a gallant knight would come

0:24:090:24:11

and help them deal with the snail infestation problem.

0:24:110:24:13

Possibly, possibly...

0:24:130:24:15

Which means it's time now...

0:24:150:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:19

..to place various intimate parts of you

0:24:190:24:21

into the thumbscrew of General Ignorance.

0:24:210:24:23

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:24:230:24:25

Where are most missionaries positioned?

0:24:250:24:29

GREGORIAN CHANTING

0:24:300:24:31

Matt?

0:24:310:24:33

I'm going to guess that most of them are in Utah,

0:24:330:24:36

where the Mormons tend to kind of congregate,

0:24:360:24:40

because they haven't yet been assigned their places to go to.

0:24:400:24:44

Interesting. Interesting answer.

0:24:440:24:46

But I'm talking about which is the country

0:24:460:24:48

that receives the most incoming? GREGORIAN CHANTING

0:24:480:24:50

-Well, I'm not talking about that.

-No.

0:24:500:24:52

LAUGHTER

0:24:520:24:54

I'm talking about them before they've gone there.

0:24:540:24:56

So, I'm not asking you where the most missionaries come FROM,

0:24:560:24:59

I'm asking where do they...?

0:24:590:25:01

I know, but I am still getting to that point.

0:25:010:25:03

This doesn't work by you answering the question

0:25:030:25:06

-that I haven't asked.

-OK.

0:25:060:25:08

My guess is China.

0:25:080:25:10

Oh, it's a possibility.

0:25:100:25:11

Well, it is a possibility, but it's not a fact.

0:25:110:25:14

-Is it in Africa?

-It's not Africa, no.

-Is it England?

-No.

0:25:140:25:17

-KLAXON BLARES

-Is it South America?

0:25:170:25:19

-England is much closer...

-South America?

0:25:190:25:20

-Not South America, not SOUTH America.

-Central!

-North America.

0:25:200:25:23

-Not Central, North America.

-North.

0:25:230:25:25

-United States thereof...

-America.

-Really?

-Utah.

0:25:250:25:27

Well, I think you'll find Utah is in America!

0:25:270:25:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:290:25:32

But I specifically said, "Where are the most missionaries

0:25:350:25:38

"who've come from outside one country?"

0:25:380:25:40

I know, but I didn't choose to answer that.

0:25:400:25:43

All right, I'm going to give you points,

0:25:430:25:46

-you deserve them for sheer tenacity.

-Thank you.

0:25:460:25:48

So, the fact is, we don't quite know why missionaries...

0:25:480:25:51

Some think they just want to go to a very rich country.

0:25:510:25:53

Others think these missionaries believe America has lapsed into sin.

0:25:530:25:56

But anyway, more missionaries go to the United States

0:25:560:25:59

than anywhere else.

0:25:590:26:00

Do an impression of someone in the stocks.

0:26:000:26:02

Fuck off, fuck off!

0:26:020:26:04

KLAXON BLARES

0:26:040:26:06

It's like that, isn't it? Yeah.

0:26:080:26:10

-Points to Mitchell, yes, absolutely right.

-That's the pillory.

0:26:100:26:13

That's a pillory or "thews", as they're also known.

0:26:130:26:16

-But, yeah, putting them... That's stocks.

-Stocks are feet, are they?

0:26:160:26:20

I'm into public shaming, though.

0:26:200:26:21

If you've done something bad, people can go, "Oh, don't do it again."

0:26:210:26:24

And you go, "Oh, that was awful,

0:26:240:26:26

"I won't have friends if I do this again."

0:26:260:26:28

And then you go back into society, I don't think it's so bad.

0:26:280:26:30

You're very right. They could be quite forgiving.

0:26:300:26:33

Sometimes, people had flowers thrown at them if they'd...

0:26:330:26:35

Daniel Defoe, when he was in the stocks,

0:26:350:26:37

because he'd offended the Church, people threw flowers at him.

0:26:370:26:40

-Those aren't stocks, so...

-Those, no, those are...

0:26:400:26:43

He wasn't in the stocks, sorry. He was, he was pilloried,

0:26:430:26:46

I think is the safest way.

0:26:460:26:47

If people threw horrible things at you - big heavy things -

0:26:470:26:50

-actually, you could die.

-Yeah, no, absolutely.

0:26:500:26:52

And some people took great lengths to protect themselves as a result.

0:26:520:26:56

There was a gentleman here, Charles Hitchen,

0:26:560:26:58

who was convicted of attempted sodomy,

0:26:580:27:00

and he went into the stocks wearing a suit of armour.

0:27:000:27:02

LAUGHTER

0:27:020:27:04

What happened to successful ones?

0:27:040:27:06

Ones that actually managed to bring it off, as it were?

0:27:060:27:10

LAUGHTER

0:27:100:27:12

Presumably, you have to pay a lot for that

0:27:120:27:14

when you were in the stocks.

0:27:140:27:16

The stocks weren't for your head and arms, just for your legs.

0:27:160:27:20

And with that, our mosey through the medieval macabre

0:27:200:27:23

must come to an end.

0:27:230:27:25

We have scores.

0:27:250:27:27

Mercy, mercy me.

0:27:270:27:30

Well, in joint first position,

0:27:300:27:33

with minus 6, Matt and Julia!

0:27:330:27:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:39

In third place, with minus 10,

0:27:430:27:46

David Mitchell!

0:27:460:27:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:470:27:51

But the witch we shall be burning this evening

0:27:530:27:56

is Alan Davies with minus 25!

0:27:560:27:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:580:28:01

Ah...

0:28:050:28:07

Well, it only remains for me to thank Matt, David, Julia and Alan.

0:28:070:28:11

And the last word on the Middle Ages comes from Bennett Cerf,

0:28:110:28:15

"Middle age is when your contemporaries are so grey

0:28:150:28:17

"and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognise you."

0:28:170:28:20

Goodnight.

0:28:200:28:22

APPLAUSE

0:28:220:28:24

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