Satirical comedy series. The boys want to help Philip Green get a new yacht, and Dale Maily asks the all-important question: Charles or Wills?
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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
What a fantastic job you've done for the Conservative Party.
The end of nearly a century of BHS.
The net has not stopped closing on Sir Philip Green.
It affects pensioners like myself.
11,000 people have lost their jobs.
The billionaire businessman,
who's on board his ?100 million super yacht,
has been heavily criticised.
The Queen will be listening to the views of Theresa May to see whether
the Top Shop boss should be dispatched to the rank of commoner.
Just go away.
Just sell it all, OK, sell it all, sell it all, get it done.
Sell, sell, sell, sell it off now.
We'll even sell his knighthood, once they strip him of it, naughty boy.
I do often look at these and I think, what would Phil do?
He'd just sell it all and buy
another massively obscene yacht, wouldn't he, babes?
BHS sale, everything must go.
You can help Phil Green buy a fourth yacht.
All the employees, no pensions, everything must go now.
Do you know about the BHS yacht sale?
We've got to sell it all off as cheap as we can to help Phil Green
get his fourth yacht. Would you like to go in and buy some shirts?
Everyone has it in for Phil. Everyone wants to give it to him.
Yeah. We just want to give him a yacht.
I think he can afford it, don't you?
Not really, he's only got three.
He's a shit. Darling, why is he such a shit? He's just...
He's always been a shit.
Every business he's been in, he's always been a shit.
Feels like a scam.
Why? Despicable. But why?
But he's already got a fine one.
Well, he's got three fine ones,
but he needs an absolutely bedazzling one,
which he doesn't have yet.
Welcome to Inside The Story. I'm Dale Maily,
fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.
I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,
telling you the right way to think.
The British, we swill tea,
invented cricket and gave spear-chuckers civilisation,
but nothing makes me thank God
I'm not a foreigner more than our beloved Queen.
So, every year we get together to celebrate her birthday by waving
the Union Jack and drinking Pimms.
Absolutely fantastic scenes here,
as you can see the peasants all absolutely going for it,
waving their flags.
What is it about? It's about the Queen, English heritage.
You know, keeping Britain to ourselves, isn't that right?
All those people who come over here and change the country.
Don't start me on that. Oh, don't start ME on that.
Is it true that these immigrants have come over here with a
deliberate attempt to raid the royal family?
Yes. One German family,
all together, helping everyone in the country.
Yeah. When they were supporting Hitler and stuff,
they didn't really know what they were doing, did they?
No, no. We've got to forgive her for that, haven't we? Yes.
Sadiq, tell us what this day means to London.
Well, we've had a weekend of celebrations.
What sort of street parties are we talking about?
Are these people who want to behead the Queen and get rid of her,
or who really support her? These are people who love the Queen.
The sad truth is that if the terrorists don't kill the Queen,
old age certainly will.
But who will succeed her?
Charles and Camilla, or William and Kate?
Kate and William. You want to get rid of Charles?
Yes. I don't like Charles and I don't like Camilla.
Skip those bloody pair.
All he's good enough for being is a Tampax.
Bloody get rid of him, flush him down the toilet, I say.
So you think they will accept the home-wrecking crone Camilla?
No. If it was up to you, who would be the next King of England?
What was your favourite bit so far?
The booze, mate. The booze.
The good old English booze.
THEY SHOUT RAUCOUSLY
Well, there you have it. If we're to bring meaning to these miserable
plebs' lives, Kate and Wills must ascend the throne.
This is Dale Maily for Britain in crisis, signing off.
You must have personally pressed the button on a strike mission.
Is that something you can talk to us about? Erm, not really.
This is where the pilots sit, at an RAF base in Lincolnshire.
There is absolutely no openness about how drones are being used,
yet we know that children and civilians are being killed.
Are you confident that we are able to adequately avoid civilian
casualties with this machine?
I would say with this machine, we are better empowered
to be able to avoid civilian casualties.
You guys keep missing your targets.
It's not good enough.
You're supposed to be the best drone operators in Lincolnshire.
MUSIC: Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This summer. Meet the best of the best in Top Gun 2,
Expect thrills from a low octane world, safe from danger.
I'm hit, I'm hit, I'm going down...
stairs for a piss, if anyone wants anything.
A classic love story.
It's Kelly from accounts, Don't stand a chance.
Hi, Kelly. Fuck off.
A glorious state-sponsored act of terror.
Aargh, I just can't do this anymore.
What, this indiscriminate killing?
Sitting in this chair's doing my back in.
A story of rivalry.
Stay away from me, Maverick.
You're dangerous. Is it because I nuked three schools last week?
No, it's because you've got a cold and I can't afford to get ill.
I need the overtime. Makes sense.
# ..highway to the danger zone... #
You, I love you.
A bromance of epic proportions.
Did you hit it? Probably.
Top Gun 2 - hitting theatres,
schools, hospitals, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria...
What the fuck are you two doing?
It seems ridiculous now,
but vegetables used to be everywhere in Britain.
Shops run by what was called a greengrocer used to trade openly,
giving their customers their hit of vitamins.
But after the fast food revolution of the 1980s,
these practices lost popularity.
Since then, the number of fast food outlets have almost doubled on our
high streets, creating what has been called food deserts.
This has led to vegetables being pushed underground,
generating an unregulated black market.
D'you wanna buy some veg?
What have you got? Anything you want.
Go, go, go, go, go!
What's going on? What's going on?
Get on the floor! I didn't do nothing!
Get on the floor!
This guy's house is being raided while he's still in his underpants.
That's a technique the officers use to make the veg dealer feel silly.
His crime? Cultivating chia seeds, bean sprouts and cacao nibs.
Nobby greens on the, er, on the scales there.
That's intent to supply, that is.
Yeah. He just makes money out of selling this, to kids, mainly.
Here I am with Daniel, who's just your standard, average,
unhealthy 19-year-old boy.
Mum and Dad, I know this is hard,
could you tell us
when you first realised something was seriously wrong?
Well, I found this in his wardrobe.
I didn't know what it was at first.
It's a steamer. Yeah, it's a steamer.
So, turning to you now, Daniel,
what on earth made you want to try steamed veg?
Well... Er... Me mates was doing it.
That's it... Yeah? Yeah.
Sorry, it's just...
It's just, when it's your own baby!
Ca...? Do you...? I don't want to...
I'll give her a hug. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Can I, can I have a go?
Yes. Yes. Come on.
Yeah, I know. It's tough.
It's really tough, isn't it?
The Labour Party is in the midst of a civil war.
With Jeremy Corbyn having won his second leadership election by a
landslide, many believe that Labour is too left wing to be elected into
government. In this series,
we follow two Labour Party members on opposing sides of the argument -
Robin, a died-in-the-wool socialist and canvasser, and Penny,
a Labour Party advisor and self-confessed Blairite.
Both are convinced that their version of Labour is the future.
In recent years, the Labour Party's been branded anti-business,
an image they desperately need to shake off
if they're ever going to get into government.
Today, Penny is in the City to offer an olive branch to the bankers.
Of course, bankers are incredibly important,
they're a force for good in our society.
Apart from the banking crash, obviously, which was a bit of a
mistake, and the bailout as well.
And the bonuses as well, so...
Yeah, apart from the banking crash, the bonuses and the bailout,
bankers are incredibly important in our society.
Excuse me, would you mind lending the Labour Party some money?
No, thank you, I'm a Conservative.
I'm actually a Conservative. Well, of course, so am I.
OK. Yeah, so, I'm New Labour.
Ah, I see, OK. Which is pretty much the same thing, right?
Robin is also in the City, with a very different goal.
Do you want to be part of the socialist revolution?
Definitely not. What's money really good for anyway?
Come and see my house.
Jesus bloody... Look at that bastard building there, like!
D'you know what? Stalin once said that the only good banker was one
who'd been torn to pieces by rabid dogs. I agree totally, mate.
But what is money to you?
Money is like ones and zeros in like the Matrix machine, mate.
Where do they get it from?
Don't know, from the Lizard King or whatever.
Hello, gents, would you mind me just apologising on behalf of the
Labour Party for Jeremy Corbyn?
Would you like to sign up now for one of our donation programmes?
You can spend the afternoon with Peter Mandelson in a sauna...
I couldn't think of anything worse.
For only 100 quid,
you can be part of the lynching once we do get rid of... Oh, really?
Yes. Would you like to come to the lynching of Jeremy Corbyn?
Er, no, I'll try and read about it.
We send you a lock of his hair once he goes.
Yes. That's 400 quid.
Unable to resist a protest,
Robin has decided to occupy RBS's London headquarters,
hoping that people will hear his message.
Brothers and sisters!
We must all unite!
If we band together, we can end the capitalist system!
Come on! Just buddies!
There's far too much money in this building!
Come on, man, who's with me?
Come on, mate. I love you, I'm just trying to help!
We're just trying to be together!
You've been up them allotments again, haven't you?
No, I haven't. You've been digging!
It was just a couple of cherry tomatoes. Don't lie to us, son.
That toilet reeks of asparagus.
I'm needing my five a day, Dad, what's wrong with that?
'It was clear that veg was taking a toll on Daniel's home life.
'But he agreed to take us to a local club to meet other veg takers.'
RAVE MUSIC PLAYS
I've come to a salad rave.
Ordinarily, these disaffected young people would be found licking grease
off one another's elbows in bashed-out old bus stops.
But not any more. Now,
all they care about is getting off their faces on trendy organic veg,
whatever the cost! Whoo!
'At first, it all seemed good, healthy fun.
'But then I became increasingly aware of irresponsible veg-taking.
'Suddenly, a man of just 20 years old got himself into a kale hole -
'that's a term used to describe what happens when a young body accustomed
'to doner meat and pizzas can't physically process
'a hit of iron and vitamin C.
'These are scenes that are all too familiar across the UK,
'and with the increase of demand in veg,
'the police are struggling to control the dealers that supply it.'
What do you need, aubergines, courgettes...?
Psst, I've got peas, got peas.
You need peas, you need peas? No. You need radish? No.
You need kale? Any courgettes?
We're not into it. You need some kale, bruv?
No, I'm all right. This shit is raw, you've got to steam it first,
not take it whole, brother. I got that good shit...
I'll come back later. All right, safe.
How long you out here? I'm out here for a while, bruv.
What you need? Yeah, bruv, I got kale, I got broccoli, I got peas.
What you need, bruv? Need some kale?
Yeah, yeah. Got some good kale, I got ?20 an ounce for the kale.
Got some kale, some peas and some celery, bro. How much you need?
Why can't I come in? Cos your pockets are full up with stuff,
that's why. My pockets, I've got nothing in my pockets.
Check me, check me. OK.
What are you doing?
Show me your hands!
What are you doing, mate? I've got nothing on me!
Nothing on me, bruv, nothing!
What's all that? Shit!
What's that? Nothing, nothing.
Cucumber. What you doing with a cucumber in your pocket, mate?
No, there's no cucumber. There's no cucumber.
What's all that? There's no cucumber. What you...?
You can't come in with that, man. What are you talking about?
There's no cucumber, bruv. There's no cucumber! What?!
What the fuck is this?
What is it?
What is it? It's just radishes, bruv.
Earlier in the year, the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt,
was warned a crisis was looming...
Claims that the NHS is being privatised are a huge exaggeration.
Yet it is an argument that is growing ever more loud,
with critics claiming that we are
seeing the demise of the NHS as we know it.
It's 11 o'clock in the morning at St Greg's hospital.
We've got a male, 55 years old, going into cardiac arrest.
We need to get him into surgery ASAP.
OK, we'll take it from here.
OK, we've got a man, medium income, possible smoker.
Right, do we have a bank card?
'The managers have decided to take
'a more hands-on approach with the A department...' Got it.
It's been denied. Erm...
Look, date of birth, look.
Mother's maiden name. What?!
Why are you lot never BUPA?!
Can I help? Do you know this man's PIN?
No, I'm a doctor.
Who wants to call it?
I mean, it's always incredibly sad losing a patient, but I think
the hardest part is informing the families that they couldn't
afford to save them.
His heart's still beating...?
I can save him. No, no, no.
'But they really do take solace'
in the knowledge that their loved one's death saved the NHS
probably thousands of pounds.
Hey, I'm Duckface and I'm an instashelebrity,
and I'm on about raising awareness about totes important issues
using social media.
Let's change the planet one hashtag at a time, babes.
I heard about this terrible thing that's still going on
called leprosy. It is disgusting.
Imagine having a bad skin day, like, everyday.
Ugh! Let's start a campaign!
OK, just point the fucking camera over here, OK?
Cos no-one talks about leprosy.
It's like when your fucking head falls off!
You don't believe it...
It's like, Loling - LOL... Ha-ha! For leprosy!
Yeah, we'll Tweet it, we'll tell people about it,
we're going to raise awareness. Yes.
We love you, it'll be OK. We're doing as much as we can to help you.
Come on, guys, keep it up, leprosy is...
Look, leprosy is really bad and we need to start helping people with it!
D'you see what it says? I don't understand.
Oh, my God, guys, we've, like, totally done it!
We've, like, ended leprosy!
That was amazing! I'm going to have lunch with Lady Gaga now.
Just remember, keep loling.
I've been a con artist for about eight, nine years now.
Free cinema tickets, free theatre,
free dinners in the Wolseley, you know.
I've recently found some incredible success, you know,
pretending to be Tim Farron.
He's the leader of the Liberal Democrats.
Everyone feels sorry for him but no-one has a clue who he is.
High-five, Tim Farron! Yeah!
It's me. Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha.
You recognise me. It's so awkward when that happens.
Yeah. Cool. Thank you so much. Can you lend me ?5?
How would you like to have a drink with Tim Farron?
I should know who that is.
?2. Thank you.
Sure, yeah. Thanks.
Thank you. OK.
Sorry. Just escaping the paparazzi. They're chasing me down the street.
Yeah. I'm Tim Farron.
I'll just have a free flat white instead. That'd be lovely.
That'd be lovely.
Two sugars. Yes, please.
OK. Thanks a lot.
That jacket would look really good on me.
Can we set up a deal? I'd wear it in Parliament, obviously.
Giving a coffee to Tim Farron!
You just touched me as well, whoo!
Don't wash. Ha-ha.
Yeah! That's lovely.
Are you free after this? Yeah.
How'd you like to have Tim Farron in the back of your car?
Are you Tim Farron? Yeah.
10% discount? Yes?
Take me to Parliament because that's where I work.
Because I'm Tim Farron.
I'm picturing someone else.
Yeah. Perhaps you're picturing Nick Clegg, I don't know.
Can I see the frame, please?
Is this the interview and that, yeah?
I'm Karl, AKA the pop-up genie.
FKA Papa Pop-up.
My mates call me Carlito's Way.
Pop-ups are, like, experiential experiences.
Like, one-offs, like, I've got pop-ups in my blood.
I've been in it since longer than I can remember.
Like, years. Like, I am a pop-up.
Hammer And Gun. It's basically like a normal restaurant.
You get to choose how you want your meat to die.
So, like, stun gun, slit throat, or beaten to death with a hammer.
All right. Welcome to Hammer And Gun.
Gas chamber for you?
No? Could I actually get a punch in the face?
You want a punch in the face? Yes.
All right, cool. So, that's four punches in the face.
Yeah. All right, sweet.
People want, like, an authentic experience, and that.
So we created TV dinners.
Like, basically, we created bespoke sitting rooms
and just whack X Factor on the telly, and then just
serve them microwave meals and that.
It blew up, like, it got massive.
Maybe too big for us.
Whoo, like, kebabs smashed the industry's back doors in.
We actually had, like, a proper kebab house but, like, ironically,
so we had, like, an actual fat Turkish man serving actual shitty
doner kebabs but for, like, 28 quid.
We had RADA trained actors, right?
Who were actually there just to
knock the punters pittas out of their hand.
I've realised that food is also about family 'n' that.
Right? Because centre of mealtimes is part of family life.
Right? So, I've created "bring your own mum."
Right. Your own mum comes in with her ingredients,
cooks you food and does the washing-up.
I have two toad-in-the-holes,
one shepherd's pie and two corn beef hash.
Do you know I mean, like, copyright?
The Conservative Party has begun a new era and
the Prime Minister Theresa May has created a new Cabinet, bringing
lesser-known faces to the fore.
In this film, we followed James Tottington-Burbage, Conservative MP,
who, after falling out of favour with the former Prime Minister...
Just wanted to give you this Bullingdon album.... Thank you.
Would you give me a sign of it?
..now finds himself one of the key players in shaping
Theresa May's Britain.
Farnborough, absolutely incredible.
Today, James is at the annual Farnborough trade show,
a global showcase for some of the world's largest
weapon manufacturers, with 81 military delegations
from 50 countries ready to do business.
I got a hard-on the moment I walked in the bloody door.
The arms trade is a multi-billion pound industry,
an industry that Britain is very much a part of and James has been
charged with the duty of maintaining lucrative global relations.
Colonel. Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you, too. What are you looking to buy here today?
Probably better technology.
Some good machine guns on it.
Some aerial tracking. God forbid that, you know,
your people rise up against you, but, if they did,
you want to make sure that your communications are secure.
Oh, yes. Listen,
I'm here to say that Theresa May may be a woman but when it comes to
military technology she sure has big balls.
You know? Yeah. I just want you to know, man-to-man,
the British will always be there with you.
We may just need a little bit more help from now on.
OK? All right.
It's reported that the UK Government sells ?3 billion worth of weapons
to countries with oppressive regimes.
One of our best customers is Saudi Arabia,
a country that has access to twice as many British-made warplanes as
the RAF does. Some of which have reportedly been used in their
controversial bombing campaign of Yemen.
Honestly, it's like being in Top Gun.
James has bumped into fellow delegate Abbey King Khawaja,
a representative of Omega Ark,
a growing conglomerate and key player in aviation.
Roar of another one taking off. Roar of another, amazing.
Just, like, grabs you by the loins, doesn't it? It does.
That's really amazing. Really makes you feel like a real man.
It's the thrill, the thrill. The macho-ness about it. So much oomph!
Listen, if loving killing machines like that is wrong,
I don't want to be right. You know what I mean?
I second that emotion.
We hear you've been structuring some good deals recently.
Yes, I have. A lot of governments come to us to purchase, maybe, ten
or 12 aircraft. Who are we talking about here? What states?
Far East governments. You've got the Saudis? The Saudis, of course.
The Middle East alliances.
So the Bahrainis have taken some?
The Bahrainis. People in the UAE?
The Israelis? People who need to look after their people.
Make sure they've got them in their pocket, as it were.
Absolutely. There's nothing that's going to scare the bejesus out of
anyone than that thing coming through the sound barrier, is there?
Brrroooom! Absolutely. How much have you sold so far?
Over $4 billion worth.
That's the sort of figures that Theresa May wants to hear, isn't it?
Absolutely, yes. Brexit, what Brexit?
What Brexit? We're open for business. We've always been open
to business. We should always be open for business.
Yeah. But isn't it true, the old English adage,
keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
Cos you know what you do with dangerous men? Absolutely.
You make sure you sell them weapons so you make sure that
they're your friends, isn't that right? Always.
Make them sign that special contract that says they cannot buy from us
and use the same against us.
Exactly. Sign on the dotted line.
Use them on your own people, but not on us!
The stick and the carrot.
Exactly. Keep them happy and then bang them on the head with a stick.
If they fall out of line... Fantastic.
..by all means, use the stick.
Well, they're killing machines, aren't they? Maximum.
Yeah. Maximum damage.
You know, to clear the way for the tanks to come through.
Clearing the way for democracy. Absolutely.
Democracy is the way forward.
Welcome to London.
One of the most cosmopolitan,
vibrant and non-judgmental cities in the world.
This is the Irish Explorer's Guide,
suitable for any woman who might just fancy a trip to London to see
what choices are out there for her.
The very best thing about London is the people.
You'll never find a more eclectic range of characters,
from the Pearly Kings and pub landlords of the East End,
to the nurses, doctors, gynaecologists
and women's sexual health experts of University College Hospital,
they're all helpful and supportive -
whatever your decision.
There is so much choice in London.
You can choose to do whatever you want.
And if you decide you want to do something, you can just abort that plan and make a new one.
Because it's your body.
I mean, holiday.
You've been on your feet all day,
so it's time to indulge in that lovely English tradition
of having a cup of tea and a slice of whatever you fancy.
This is Jack. Jack, could I have a cup of Earl Grey
and an iced bun, please? Yeah. Actually, Jack, wait a minute,
I think I've changed my mind. I'd like a croissant.
Is it all right if you take my iced bun out of the oven, please?
Yeah. No problem.
No problem. Isn't that marvellous?
Jack has listened to me and has respected my right to choose,
as a woman, not to have an iced bun.
What is so hard about that?
Well, I've had a fabulous time in London.
And, no doubt, you will, too.
Cheers! Or, as they say in London,
abortion has been legal in the UK since 1967.
After a successful morning, at Farnborough,
James returns to Downing Street and, by chance,
stumbles across some members of the opposing party.
Oh, Jeremy. Just want to say,
fantastic job you've done for the Conservative Party.
You'll keep us in power for years.
Really appreciate it. I think that's a sort of backhanded compliment.
Oh, it is. I mean, it's a backhanded compliment.
You know, 2020 will just be a walk in the park, won't it?
You must be very pleased about what you've done.
You've literally set the party back decades.
I mean, literally. It's just literally imploding in your hands.
You must be over the moon.
I certainly am. That's right, Andy.
Have a good laugh about it.
I just want to thank Jeremy Corbyn, Dennis Skinner and Andy Burnham,
who've all contributed to the utter destruction of the Labour Party.
And I just want to say, from the Conservatives,
we just want to thank you so much for all being here today.
Thanks so much.
?20 a cabbage!
You've got those cabbages, bruv.
This is my patch. It's my cabbage patch.
?20 a cabbage!
So, you know, bruv,
don't step on my fucking cabbage patch. ?20 a cabbage!
See. Move out, bruv. The farmer owns this patch, bruv.
It's the farmer's patch.
It's the farmer's patch, bruv.
That's how you know.
Got that courgette, babe. Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie.
How many peas you holding?
Donald Trump. Yeah. He scares me a bit. Yeah.
And he wants to build a wall, doesn't he? Yeah.
Round his self. Yeah.
Moscow won't want to pay for that wall. Moscow?
Tell me what hard Brexit is, then. It's going to be hard to leave.
You don't understand the word 'ard?
Yeah, I don't understand what Brexit's got to do with hard.
Well... Britain, exit. Yeah.
The boys want to help Philip Green get a new yacht, and Dale Maily asks the all-important question: Charles or Wills? There is an investigative report into the latest youth culture craze, Penny and Robin visit the City of London with two very different goals for the Labour party, Duckface is out campaigning again, and just who is Tim Farron?