Journalist Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience

I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.

People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,

but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult,

so I'm ditching my regular job

and trying something completely different.

This is my Work Experience and this week, I'm a journalist.

This programme contains some strong language.

In a few days, I'd be working on Wales's flagship TV news,

BBC Wales Today, but the closest I've come to reporting breaking news

is shouting, "Who's farted?" on a Megabus.

'To start my training, I'd come to Wales's answer to Fleet Street -

'King Street, Carmarthen -

'my hometown, and home to Wales's oldest newspaper,

'the Carmarthen Journal.

'Editor Emma Bryant had agreed to give me

'a one-day PhD in news-gathering.'

So it's my first day as a journalist.

What do you expect from me?

So, we're looking for a page-one story,

so we're chucking you in at the deep end. It's a bit of a challenge.

The press will start tomorrow, whether we are ready or not,

and I don't want the Carmarthen Journal not to print

for the first time in 205 years.

'Emma was ramping up the pressure

'but I felt about as ready to get a page-one story

'as a horse who's just found out his ex-wife is now a Pritt Stick.'

How do I get a story? Do you just wander around looking?

"Oh, look, there's a dog stuck in a hedge there."

-You know what I mean? What do you...?

-Just go and find people,

so you're going to have to get straight in there.

"I'm looking for a story for the Journal. Anything going on?

"Anything I need to know about?"

-And just get it down, really.

-I've never written anything,

I don't think. Not journalistic stuff.

The simplest way for you to write the story - remember

who, what, why, where and when.

Who, what, why, when, where.

'The paper's record was at stake so there was no room to piss about.

'I borrowed something called a tie,

'as reporter Guto took me to somewhere called Lampeter.

'If there were any dogs' bottoms sticking out of hedges,

'it'd be my job to sniff them out.'

Good luck finding stories here and, just remember,

talk to as many people as you want. I'll see you back in the office.

-4 o'clock?

-4 o'clock, see you then.

See you, Guto.

'It wasn't even the night before Christmas

'and all through the place,

'not a creature was stirring, not so much as a trace.

'There was more life in Action Man's underpants.'

ENGINE PURRS

Diesel engine.

It doesn't feel like a big news day at the moment.

'It was the slowest news day since the BBC decided to cover

'the World Staring Championships.'

I'm just wondering whether this is a bit of a local issue, maybe.

"Council in white line fiasco debacle."

"Horror"? Is "terror" too strong?

That's all I've got so far.

Our deadline is 4 o'clock and I've got to get some bloody stories.

'Lampeter was to news what Fred Astaire was to dancing -

'it was dead -

'but Emma's advice had been to talk to people so I dived in.'

I have to get the scoop,

front page, big story, with big photo, from Lampeter now.

This is Lampeter. Barely anything happens here.

-Has anything happened?

-My friend had a baby last week.

-That's not front page, is it?

-No, erm...

-I'll jot it down.

I'm looking for a front-page scoop

for the Carmarthen Journal that will wow the world.

It's Lampeter.

We haven't got any sex or scandal or anything.

-Something must happen here.

-Nothing happens here.

-Nothing happens here?

-Nothing. That's the whole idea.

That's why you live here, because nothing happens here.

This is a bloody nightmare. Absolutely nothing.

Emma was banging on about, "Who, why, when, what, where?"

To who? No-one.

Where? Nowhere. When? Never.

What? Nothing.

Why?

Why, indeed?

'The saying goes that no news is good news.

'Well, not if you're a bloody journalist, it's not.

'I may have looked like a hack but there was hack-all going on.'

Now, ladies, can you tell me

anything that might be worthy of a...? Anything at all?

Actually, the church bells.

We've been having some strange goings-on lately.

-The church - that church right there.

-Yeah?

Somebody broke in and started ringing the church bells.

"Somebody broke in and started chiming the church bells..."

At...

At silly o'clock in the morning.

-"Silly o'clock"?

-Yeah.

'Saved by the bell - a quirky Quasimodo.

'I rinsed the girls for as much detail as I could.'

It's like a random ninja.

"A random..."

-Ninja.

-Ninja.

-"..ninja..."

-Yeah.

Do they sound like an experienced bell-ringer?

-They're giving it a good dong.

-They're giving it a good dong?

-Definitely.

-Let me jot that down.

-Nice.

-Lampeter's a really quiet town

-and nobody really does anything apart from work.

-Yes.

Until three o'clock in the morning,

then it's not quiet any more.

-Yeah.

-No.

-No.

-That's my headline - "Quiet town not quiet".

-At three o'clock in the morning.

-That'll be a good headline.

'Oh, Sir Trevor McDonald,

'I was ding-donging merrily on high

'and getting the photos to prove it.

'Tersely walking as fast as my legs could carry me,

'I Jon-Snowed it up to the church to investigate.

'I just hoped Emma would go for my story.'

-Hi, Emma, it's Rhod.

-Have you found anything?

Well, it was a fairly slow news day, it has to be said,

-but then, outside the toilets, I met two girls.

-Yeah?

Hang on, it gets better, this story.

They told me, up at the church, St Peter's church,

there's been somebody, they reckon...

ringing the bells at, like, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock in the morning,

several nights last week.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Do you like this story, do you?

-I really like it, yeah.

It's very unusual. It's quirky. Yes.

I was sizzling like Peter Sissons in a griddle,

nailing this journalism lark like a badass.

She's holding the front page.

I've got to get back there now and talk it through with her.

This is the buzz, man.

Back at the Journal HQ,

the next step was to get a headline for my campanological conundrum,

so Emma assembled a crack team to brainstorm.

So, we need something a bit catchy, a bit clever, so any thoughts?

Have you had any thoughts about it?

-Yeah, I jotted some down in the car.

-You have? All right. OK.

"What the bell is going on?"

We've got, "What chime do you call this?"

"Two girls woken by mystery dong."

-That's going to grab you, isn't it?

-Absolutely.

-Well, there's "bell-raiser".

-Bell-raiser?

-That's good.

-"Where will it all bell end?"

No.

"Ding-dong, the wicked witch may be dead

"but somebody's ringing those bells."

Maybe not.

I love "What chime do you call this?" It's brilliant.

-What about "girls woken by mystery dong"?

-No.

'My headline was sorted but I still had Adrian Chiles to do.

'I needed to write up my unbelievable story but,

'looking at my notes, I suddenly felt like a right Michael Buerk.'

I can't read my own handwriting.

I don't know shorthand so I had to write it out in full,

but my own writing is actually worse than shorthand.

I have written here, "Silly o'clock, three,

"which engaged my in the town."

I put it down. She's going to look stupid. It doesn't make any sense.

'I needed to get a Dermot Murnaghan

'if I was going to make this deadline,

'but I was having an Eddie Mair,

'cos what I'd written was a load of Bill Turnbull.'

"Wet wasp oven in the shop."

Is that Welsh?

It's supposed to be... No, it was English when I wrote it.

"He said he had seen it horse riding."

-Had he?

-I don't know.

-What does that say?

-"Pineapple sermon."

-Friends...

-"Pineapple surname"?

'As more and more of Emma's team joined in, we crowded round my notes

'like a bunch of footballers trying to find the handle on a banana.'

-Purple.

-Purple.

-Swarm.

-Swarm.

-Of.

-Of.

-Cows.

-Cows.

We need to go back to our seats now cos we're going to miss

this deadline and we've got lots to do, please. Sorry.

'My notepad was the worst mess since

'Abu Hamza agreed to help catch his neighbour's budgie

'but, with the team's expert guidance,

'I got the page-one scoop Emma had been hoping for.'

I'm actually quite amazed you've come back with a really good story.

-I'm amazed.

-Erm, I am amazed.

-Absolutely amazed.

And good luck.

-Thank you very much, Carmarthen Journal.

-You're welcome.

-Wales's oldest newspaper.

-Wales's oldest newspaper.

The next day, I was buzzing like Arfon Haines Davies's fridge.

From Lampeter to just outside Lampeter,

my scoop was the talk of the town, and just outside the town.

'I was ready to move to the big city,

'and the Holy Grail for journalists around the world - BBC Wales.

'In Cardiff, Wales Today producer Ruth Woodward

'would put Rhod the Wonder Scoop through his paces.'

You will hopefully be able to go out on a story

and we'll broadcast it on Wales Today.

Part of me is filled with horror at the thought of it. The other half

of me thinks you're going to do a really good job and you'll be grand.

'I was feeling confident

'but, before I could blow them all away with my own story,

'I'd spend a day shadowing Welsh TV news legend,

'Nick "The News" Palit.

'While Nick cracked on with his package about cycling in Cardiff,

'I chilled out, confident that Rhod the Scoop

'could handle whatever was thrown at me...'

You should have a little break.

-It's nice coffee, this, mate.

-OK.

-Have a little break.

-We'll have a break.

'..but, as I watched Nick do his stuff,

'I realised there was more to TV news

'than pointing at a church and making knob gags.'

-We have to send it into the BBC server...

-Yeah.

-..through a programme called JFE.

-Yeah.

White balance is a thing that we tend to do

to tell the camera what is white.

It needs to know what is white before it can know

what any other colour is.

Well, a "SOV up" means "sound on video up".

An OOV, another technical term - an OOV is "out of vision".

'As a one-man news team, Nick had to master vast amounts of technology,

'and pack his car tighter than Simon Cowell's forehead.

'With everything from electronics to clothing,

'it was a mobile high street.'

Moss Bros, there, in the back.

I've got a coat, a winter coat and a jacket.

As you can see, there's a lot of running around

and you don't want to wear your best suit

and, as long as this bit's respectable,

-you should be fine.

-Yeah.

Have you ever done a...?

Have you done a piece bottomless?

There's always a first, eh?

'Nick was a nifty news ninja

'and I didn't have a Kate Adie what was going on.'

I think my head's going to explode.

Oh, hang on a minute, I forgot something - helmet.

It's a good job -

Nick's head could have exploded as well, for different reasons.

'On top of the technology, Nick the News Ninja was juggling

'multiple interviews and developing his story in his head as he went.'

-Could I ask you a couple of questions?

-Yes.

-OK.

Just tell me why you like cycling.

I find mainly it gives me energy.

I like to start the day... I kind of wake up during my cycle.

Everything's happening in a whirlwind.

I don't know when these interviews have been arranged.

I don't know who anyone is or what their relationship to this story is.

'I looked the part but I was no more a reporter

'than Marilyn Manson with a saucer on his head is a mug.

'Sensing my confusion,

'Nick tried to help me get my Jeremy Paxmans round it all.'

You've got to look at a news item as almost like a jigsaw puzzle.

You're gathering interviews, actuality of people doing things...

There might be a graphic element.

So you're sort of making a short film, really?

Yeah, that's the way I look at it. It's really creative.

You're only limited by your imagination and obviously by time.

'Nick was a one-man film industry,

'like Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood and Quentin Tarantino

'all rolled into one.

'That's right, he was Clint Spielatinoswood,

'and I had no idea how I was going to do his job.'

I just feel totally out of my depth.

'I just tried to shake somebody's hand and failed.

'When I left the Journal, I was feeling quite cocky.

'Rhod the Scoop,'

I was known as, briefly.

Now I feel like a total dick.

'Like a man with haemorrhoids

'applying for a job in a seesaw factory,

'I was already having second thoughts about the whole thing,

'and when Clint Spielatinoswood took me back to the BBC,

'I realised I hadn't seen the half of it.'

When you walk into this newsroom,

it's very pressured and very stressed.

Everything is deadline, deadline, deadline, driven,

and then Nick rushes around all day

and types this up with one finger.

NICK CHUCKLES

Big on the old "thumbing on the space-bar", I notice.

It's all calloused, that one finger.

-It's twice the size of the others.

-It is.

'To say Nick had a busy day would be the greatest understatement

'since Mary told Joseph there was someone else.

'He still had to edit the footage, write the story, find music

'and graphics to bring it to life, and all in just two hours,

'and I wasn't sure I was helping.'

Erm, I like to start the day...

I kind of wake up during my cycle to work.

Shouldn't be setting off asleep,

-should she?

-Nothing really puts me off. I feel quite safe...

Always make sure you wake up before you get on your bike, kids.

You're like Lance Armstrong without the drugs.

What you mean "without the drugs"?

-Like Lance Armstrong on Night Nurse.

-'The pollutants...'

'When Nick started out in news,

'Jesus was still offering lepers E45 cream

'and you could hear those years of experience in his voice.'

'This survey, I do worry about the vulnerability to oncoming traffic

'and, of course, the pollutants that I might be breathing in.'

Oh, you've got that news voice.

'And, of course, the pollutants

-'I might be breathing in.'

-Pollutants...breathing in.

Full stop.

-You didn't say "full stop".

-No, I didn't.

Didn't need to.

-How long did it take you to get that news voice?

-Oh, a lifetime.

Was it?

Are you doing it now or not?

For television... I probably am, aren't I?

-You can't get out of it, can you?

-I can't.

-Do you go home with it?

-I speak like that at home.

I say, "Tonight, my darling, I would like lasagne and chips for tea."

-And of course.

-And of course.

'We'd moved into the final stage,

'working with this editor woman to add the finishing touches.

'Less than 40 minutes to go to broadcast

'and Clint Spielatinoswood was about to blow my mind.'

I wanted to have the, sort of,

-frothy coffee noise.

-MILK HISSES

-Just a bit of that before he starts talking, yeah?

-Oh, that does work.

It gives it immediate flavour.

Coffee.

Milk.

We always try and get what we call natural sound on various things,

just to, sort of, punctuate...

You have certainly punctuated the atmos there.

You've frothed it right up.

You've frothed up your package.

I know what I want to end the piece on, I forgot to tell you -

-probably put some bells ringing.

-Ring, ring.

-So, can we put that at the end of the piece?

-Oh, OK.

BELL RINGS Boy, oh, boy.

You're going to over-froth this package if you're not careful.

BELL RINGS That bell on the end.

Bell-end.

'My pathetic sense of humour was catching

'and, if I'd suspected Nick was really good at this,

'I Gavin Hewitt now.'

I can't stop staring at you, Nick.

-'The pedal-power paradox...'

-The presence of greatness.

-He drinks normal coffees.

-Yup.

'With national broadcast just minutes away,

'Nick was as calm as George Osborne pushing a cow off a cliff.'

-How long before it goes live?

-17 1/2 minutes.

And this is normal, is it, to be still working on it?

Oh, yeah, we've got plenty of time.

HE MOUTHS

Take a sip of your normal coffee now, just to emphasise the point.

-Mmm.

-That's normal, that is.

-Normal coffee like you and me would drink.

-That's what you think.

Like normal people would...

'With Wales Today about to TX and Nick's package frothed

and dusted with sound effects,

we Fiona Bruced it down to the gallery to watch it go out live.

Bike-friendly cities. Well, our reporter Nick Palit has taken to...

'Nick was to news what David Cameron was to a pig's head.

'He knew it inside out.

'In the space of a few hours, the package-frother extraordinaire

'had taken a few facts and figures about cycling

'and created an informative short film for that evening's news.'

BELL RINGS

Nick Palit reporting there. Now...

-Happy with Nick's...

-Piece?

-..package?

-I was very happy.

-Didn't mind the bell on the end?

I was very pleased with this report, thank you very much.

Are you hopeful that we're going to see a Rhod Gilbert report

-on the national news?

-No, I'm...

No. I just don't know what the hell...

how the hell I'm going to take this on to the next level.

'I was dangling by the Naga Munchettys,

'but I had no time to think about it.

'As a new journalist, I could be sent anywhere so, first,

I went to Hereford,

where hostile environment expert Stephen Cook would turn me into

a cross between Nicholas Witchell and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

As a journalist, what do I need to be thinking about?

If you were interviewing me now

and, potentially, I am somebody who is likely to become aggressive,

do you think this is a good position to be in?

I don't know, I wouldn't have thought about it.

-Exactly, exactly.

-Where should I be? Under the table?

Well, no, the point is,

-I can get hands on you there.

-Hiding under the table?

-I mean, who else is in the room? Do they have weapons?

-I don't know.

What's going on outside of that building?

-How would you close down the interview?

-I don't know.

How do you tell if that person's aggressive or agitated

or not happy with your questioning technique, OK?

-What guarantees have we got when we get to Baghdad?

-I don't know.

'As Steve talked me through the challenging scenarios

'a reporter can wind up in, I was getting increasingly anxious

'and things were about to get worse

'when he sent me outside to learn some self-defence

'with coked-up cockney Nutribullet Jonah.'

-How are you doing, mate?

-Ah!

-Amend that position. Please don't hurt me!

-Bang!

-Ah!

-What's the matter?

-Are you all right, mate?

-For fuck's sake, man!

-Because you've got a beard, I can...

-Ah!

I'll just give you a little bit of slight discomfort, yeah?

-OK? Here, watch.

-Ah!

-OK, so...

-"Slight discomfort", you said!

-Go on, go on, go, go.

-Get your own back!

-No, no, I don't want to get my own back.

-I want a cup of tea...

-Come on, you fucking love it!

-Come on, come on.

-..and a piece of cake.

'Jonah floated like a butterfly

'and stung like Dettol on a punctured nutsack.'

You've got loads of pressure points here.

You can touch them, you can finger me.

-I'm not fingering you!

-Come on!

RHOD SHOUTS ANGRILY

OK, so this is a good thing, we've got a hat here.

'After ten minutes of trauma,

'I realised he'd been fingering the wrong bloke - someone called Rob.'

So we're kicking. You're going to get me back, Rob.

-You're going to kick here.

-It's Rhod!

-So I'll be like there, bang!

-You're doing it to the wrong person!

-Sorry, yeah.

Are you waiting for somebody called Rob?

The lesson of this is always give your name clearly on reception

-when you turn up...

-What are you doing? Come on!

'I was to self-defence what a Scotch egg

'and a breadstick are to championship snooker,

'but, if I thought Hurricane Jonah was an ordeal,

'the role-play Steve had lined up next

'took me to another level of discomfort.'

All our scenarios are based around factual events.

We are going to be using actors.

There will possibly be pyrotechnics.

STEVE LAUGHS

'I was heading to a simulated war zone

'as a simulated journalist to interview some simulated refugees.

'Despite the obvious gravity of the simulated situation,

'role-play always makes me acutely embarrassed

'and I was struggling to take it seriously.'

-Have you travelled far?

-I've come from Wales. Do you know it?

-Ryan Giggs.

-Sheep.

Sheep and Ryan Giggs.

Aled Jones. You know The Snowman?

# We're walking in the air... #

You know?

'Of course, situations like this in real life are horrifying,

'but, while I was doing my best, this play acting just felt so weird.

'I didn't know how to deal with it.'

-My name is Rhod. I'm a journalist.

-Why are you here?

-To tell the world your story, your suffering.

-You want a chair?

-Oh, yes, should I take a chair?

-You are British?

-British, yes.

Ryan Giggs.

-B&Q.

-B&Q.

Ah, the chair, yes, sorry.

I thought you were just listing references.

'But if I had been struggling to take it seriously,

'moments later, the role-play gave me a stark reality check.'

EXPLOSION

SCREAMING

SCREAMING AND EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE

-Help them!

-Help them?

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you or...

SHOUTING

I don't know what the hell is going on. I was not prepared for that.

I've left my camcorder there and even though I only saw his feet,

I know that was bloody Jonah, the one who kicked me off the chair!

Oh, no!

-Oh, not again!

-What do you need me to do?

-Thomas, do something.

'I'd gone into this simulated situation pretty flippantly,

'but the intensely uncomfortable experience had given me some insight

'into aspects of the news industry I hadn't given much thought to.'

It made you imagine and wonder, my God,

the situations journalists put themselves in.

I'm hoping that BBC Wales

aren't going to put me in a warzone on day one.

Obviously, joking aside, it's not for me.

'The next day, I John Sucheted over to BBC Wales

for my big day in TV news.

'My first job was to find out

'what my story was going to be from producer Ruth.

'After my hostile environment training,

'I was anxious about what might lie ahead.'

The story I'd like you to have a look at today is based

on some research that's published about motorists

and how road signs can often cause confusion to people.

'Road signs - thank Alastair Burnet for that! I was very relieved.

'But to put any kind of package together,

'I still had a mountain to climb and only eight hours to climb it.'

It's really important that you let me know

if you've got any problems because if this report

isn't going to be broadcastable, then I'm going to need a plan B.

I don't want to end up, at the end of the day,

with a big black hole in my programme.

I've got to try to get a package on the news tonight about road signs.

I've got one day to try and put it together.

I know!

I can't get this look off my face.

'Come six o'clock, if Ruth's still in a big black hole,

'I'd be getting it right in the John Humphrys.

'But I have an idea cos, as luck would have it,

'I knew the perfect place to start my road signs story.'

Why is everything so much harder

when you're just panicking and in a rush?

God, I wish Steven Spielnick was here now.

'Getting to grips with the camera technology,

'it was time to think about my script

'and try out my new news voice.'

This quirky Cardiff landmark,

known locally as the Magic Roundabout - is it...

Oh, Jesus!

Known locally as the Magic Roundabout,

to some an art installation.

I sound like David...Attenborough now.

It's just a roundabout, it's not a silverback.

Known locally as the Magic Roundabout... Rounamout?

Aaaah!

Whether they're a help

or a hindrance to Welsh motorists today...

DRIVER SHOUTS

This... CAR HORN TOOTS

CAR HORN TOOTS Yes!

Everybody stop tooting!

CAR HORN TOOTS Yeah, fuck off.

'At this rate, Ruth was going to be

'serving me my Jason Mohammads on a plate.

'It had taken me half an hour to get a usable take.'

But is it a metaphor for widespread public confusion on our roads?

God, I've got a boner. Full boner.

'Journalists rely on their sources.

'I had a fridge full of them,

'but that didn't make me John Simpson so I headed

'to nearby Cowbridge High Street

'to check out the public's grasp of road signs.'

We're a bit far away, aren't we?

Let's come in a bit. Come in a bit. What about there?

You're too short.

Are we going to...? Shall I come down to you?

Can you come up? No, you can't come up.

'Nick the News Ninja had made the technical side of filming look easy,

'but with that big black hole looming over me,

'I was making rookie mistakes.'

-I wasn't expecting this.

-I'll put those down there. No...

Nobody expects this.

I've done one that way. Variety.

If I can ask you to just come forward a little bit.

I'm going to press record there. We're all recording.

And if you can direct your answers to me. OK.

-Are you a motorist?

-No, I'm not, actually. No.

-You don't drive?

-No. So that's no good, is it?

-You should have asked that first!

-Cut!

Sorry, Pam.

That's a waste of everybody's time. Sorry about that, Pam.

'With the clock ticking,

'I'd set up an interview with a driving instructor,

'to get the opinion of someone who I at least knew definitely had a car.'

Roll With Rhod. Oh, you're a Rhod.

I don't think I've ever met another Rhod. I was going to say there's not many of us left then.

I don't know why I was going to say that.

'With Rhod's flash learner car, I saw a chance

'to froth up my package, but without Nick on hand to show me

'the Kate Garraway, I was struggling.'

I don't really know what I'm doing, if I'm honest. But when I was watching Nick, he was

getting shots of people's feet and the... Get your feet, Rhod. A nice one on your feet there.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just... Bit of car.

'With my deadline fast approaching,

'I was barging round the streets like an escaped monkey on a ferry.'

Do you know what that sign means? No idea?

Horse and carriage in the road. OK. Thank you.

I'm running out of time.

I've got to get back to BBC Wales, but I think I'm running late.

-How did it go?

-I don't know.

-How are you feeling? I don't know. Did you manage to get people to talk to you?

-I don't know.

-You must have done. You must have been doing something all day.

-I got people to talk to me, yeah.

-Yeah?

I have been doing something all day. I'm just not sure what.

'The job was half done. I had a whole film load of turd on camera

'and just two hours to polish it into something the BBC Wales

'audience could digest at tea time. Luckily, Nick Spielnick was on hand to help.'

-Do you want me to type?

-It's today's news, you know? It's not the end of year round up.

-Very, very fast fingers. Fast Fingered Nick, they call me.

-They don't.

They call you Steven Spielnick, as you know.

'Our deadline was coming at us like Krishnan Guru-Murthy on a segway.'

-Do you think Ruth is going to be happy with this?

-Um...

She can be ruthless.

-Ironically.

-Ironically. Yeah.

'As we hurriedly stitched my package together,

'I still needed to know what Nick would make of my news voice.'

I think you've mastered that. You've nailed it.

-I can't help but sound like I'm taking the piss.

-You are!

-I'm not!

I'm not. I'm trying to do a Nick Palit.

It's hoped any changes will put an end to motorists' confusion.

Let's hope so!

Boner time! Let's get it on, Nick!

'With just minutes to spare, we ran in to see this editor bloke.

'I was feeling pretty confident that my package tasted like coffee

'but with no time to froth it up, it was never going to be

'a package-cino.'

I don't think we've got anything as frothy as your froth.

It's a reasonable thing though, that you after 27 years, you can froth.

Me on my first day...

It was certainly confusing in Cowbridge today...

-Decaf froth.

-Decaf Mellow Birds is what I've come up with.

If I can get a Mellow Birds out on time, I'm happy.

Other chicory drinks are available.

'With the news just moments away, Ruthless Ruth arrived.

'Either I'd created an informative piece on road signs,

'or Nick was going to have to don a spangly costume

-'for the TV debut of his one-finger typing showstopper.'

-Um... I mean... You know,

fair play, especially doing pieces to camera, it's really...

You know, quite accomplished. I'm quite impressed.

I am very relieved. We've had it okayed.

There's only one added complication now.

Ruth's asked me to go on live to talk about doing my work

experience here and talk about making this package for them.

You can probably tell, I'm having my make up done.

If you can't tell that, you really shouldn't be doing this programme.

'Live TV is terrifying at the best of times, but when it's sprung on you last minute

'and you're totally unprepared, with no idea what questions you're going

'to be asked or what you're going to say, it's a potential minefield.'

(I don't like live TV.)

(I have weird compulsive urges to wreck it.)

(This is tea time news. I've got to remember that.)

(Yes, you do! No swearing!)

(No swearing.)

(I'm not going to swear, as long as Lucy the presenter doesn't swear.)

(You're making me really nervous now.)

This quirky Cardiff landmark...

'With Nick's help, the whole nation had seen my frothy package filling Ruth's big black hole.

-I'm asking you, what does that sign mean?

-What does it say?

Well, it's no go area, but I'm not sure where.

'I'd been run ragged all day and was just as shocked as anyone that I'd managed to pull it off.'

-How did you find being a reporter at Wales Today?

-Awful!

-Really?

'We'd got through it.

'And most importantly, I hadn't sworn on live TV.

'Ruthless Ruth and the team breathed a massive sigh of relief,

'as the professionals took control once more.'

It's quite timely as well, as the cocks...

The clocks go back an hour this weekend.

'Oh, dear. Sue's little boobs... Sorry, boob.

'Just goes to show, even a team that have clocked up

'thousands of news reports can still clock up on the night.

'When the arse... Sorry, pressure is on, anything can bollocks...

'I mean happen.

'Joking aside, Ruth, Nick

'and the team worked incredibly smoothly in the most

'pressured conditions and I, for one, was hugely impressed with them.

'This is Rhod Gilbert, BBC Wales, Muff Dive.

'I mean, good night!'