Episode 4 Scot Squad


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Coming up, ladies of the night become ladies in a fight...

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You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

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..violence explodes at the express checkout...

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You want some of this, you clown? You want some?

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..and a maritime mystery on a deserted island...

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Wey-hey! I'm on a boat! Come on!

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You cannae arrest me.

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..all nothing new to the men and women of the Scottish Police Force.

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What are you doing?!

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This is Scot Squad.

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For a modern organisation like the Scottish Police Force,

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nothing is more important than public relations.

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And when it comes to relations,

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Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson is the daddy.

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Today, first up in the diary, I've got a meeting, my quarterly meeting,

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with the PR boys in charge of all the branding for the police force.

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I know what you're thinking.

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Instantly. Why is public money being spent on paying someone

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to come up with all the branding strategies

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for the police, when the chief could probably do it himself, you know?

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I mean, I could do it myself

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but I don't really have the time, so we pay an expert.

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And that allows me to concentrate on what I like to call real policing.

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So, what have you got for me, Willie? Shoot.

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We're putting in a big order of T-shirts for the front-desk staff.

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-OK.

-Just going to be choosing colours, designs and logos.

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That's not something

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-you need to worry...

-What colours are you thinking about?

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I would say, probably, black was a strong choice,

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-black is what we often go with.

-Yeah, yeah. What about blue?

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Because I'm thinking... I mean, blue or black, what do you think?

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Sure. I think black. I think black would be...

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I'm thinking blue is maybe more... What do you think?

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-I... I mean, I...

-Because I think we've got enough black. I really do.

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I'm happy to make that work.

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So, we'll figure out the exact shade,

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-get you some blue T-shirts. Perfect.

-Excellent.

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-Good.

-So, moving on, we've got...

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I mean, we could decide the colours now.

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-No, I don't think that's necessary...

-Well, I've got...

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-What about...

-Sure. Well, we can just...

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Well...

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Navy blue - that's just saying, "Well, we're not interested.

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"We've got nothing new to say about anything."

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Skimpy blue - don't know why it's called that. Blue-y blue.

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Blue-y blue. Are you interested in that?

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What I would say is, we can take this off your plate.

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So, you're saying that you can make the decision?

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Obviously, you would be best placed to make the decision,

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but I know you're a very busy man.

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Because if you're going to make the decision, what am I doing here?

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No, absolutely. Absolutely. Because you're the man.

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-So, you're happy with blue-y blue?

-Blue-y blue is... Yeah, perfect.

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-Blue-y blue it is.

-OK, what else you got?

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This PR masterclass would be of great interest

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to traffic officers Singh and McKirdy.

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The public perception of police is very important.

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How the public see us, how the community see us carry out our jobs

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is very important.

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Just recently, we were snapped outside the local kebab shop.

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It's a brilliant kebab shop, don't get me wrong,

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it's a great place to go.

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They do a great kebab, chips and cheese.

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Put plenty of salt and vinegar on the chips, which I love.

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But here we are.

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We've been caught parked on a double yellow line while we were inside.

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Yes, it WAS wrong.

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It has ended up on the front page of the local paper.

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Yes, we did get a stern talking-to. We should have known better.

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-We've learned our lesson, I think.

-Certainly.

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So, we won't be stopping outside any more carry-outs from now on.

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Be quick. Remember to be quick, all right?

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-I'll go...

-Don't stop. Don't stop.

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Don't stop. Don't stop.

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Don't stop!

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Don't stop. Slow...steady...

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There you go, thanks very much. Thank you. >

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Don't stop, don't stop.

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Don't stop...

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Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt.

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-That's us.

-Seatbelt!

-Got it.

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-Got it?

-Aye.

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-Good work.

-Never again, mate.

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The wheels keep turning for the Scot Squad,

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and for desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar...

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Hello, Scottish Police Force.

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..that means a fast track to the future of the force.

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We're living in a very interesting time now

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and in some ways, people are seeking to maintain their privacy

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and in other ways, they're opening

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their lives up to the wider community.

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It can be tricky sometimes for people to find the balance between

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involvement with your neighbours, and just downright snooping on them.

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I think it's important to remember that just

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because you can see it, doesn't mean you should look at it.

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All right, Officer Karen?

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-Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you?

-How are you doing?

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-Look, I want to make a complaint.

-What's up?

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Like, basically, I've got a next-door neighbour, right?

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And she's one up across the road from us.

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And see, every time I go out for a walk,

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or I go to get some milk or something for Uncle Geoffrey,

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she's always completely naked.

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-Right. Like, in the street?

-No.

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In her flat, but she's not got any curtains or anything,

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but you can see everything.

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I mean, it kind of depends on the circumstances.

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Is she being provocative?

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-Is she...

-What does prod...provocative mean?

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Like, um...like trying to get you to look at her,

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so, maybe being right up at the window or...

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Oh, right, like right up against the windae, giving it all that?

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-Dancing at the windae?

-Aye, that kind of thing.

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-If it was that kind of...

-She's not like that, to be honest.

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-She's just chopping, like, leeks.

-Right.

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In that case, to be honest,

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there's not really anything we can do about that.

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You know, a person's perfectly entitled to be naked

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-within their own home.

-So, you're telling me, Officer Karen,

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it's all right for me to walk about the gaff with no clothes on?

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Like I say, as long as you're not up at the window, flashing,

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or, you know, trying to get people to look in and see you,

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then, yeah, that's fine.

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I'm going to tell Uncle Geoffrey and the two of us,

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we can do that and have a laugh. I won't be up against the window,

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I won't be doing all that at the windae,

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but I'll just be doing, you know, like,

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watching The X Factor or something.

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I'll have to wear socks because there's, like, glass

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and there's sand on the floor and stuff but...

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I'll get into that another time.

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That's another story.

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But I'll go and I'll tell Uncle Geoffrey about it, right,

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-and we'll...

-Right.

-I'll go.

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Don't come round and peek in the windae, Officer Karen.

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-I don't want you to be doing that.

-Don't you worry, I won't.

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-Just phone me first and let me know, all right?

-OK. OK.

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-Right, bye-bye!

-Mind your hand there! Mind your hand... Bye.

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DOOR SLAMS

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Back at the Scottish Police headquarters, Cameron Miekelson

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is looking at ways to expose himself to a wider audience.

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We have focus groups, some ideas...

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Can I stop you there? Are you talking about the Bamnesty?

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-The Bamnesty, yeah...

-Because I saw the material. How did it go down?

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-The Bamnesty...

-You told them it was my idea?

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Yeah. No, no, they were very pleased to be getting ideas

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right from the...

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Did you say the Bamnesty is when bams

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can come in with all their bam paraphernalia,

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hand it over to us,

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without any fear of further consequences or reprisals?

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And you told them how clever "Bamnesty" is,

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-because it's a play on "amnesty"?

-Oh, yeah.

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And I think everyone appreciated that, absolutely.

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It's like... It's catchy, no question.

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Couple of definitions. I mean, I've got...

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-I've got the kind of focus group points here.

-Go on, then.

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So, I mean, these are not my words.

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Snide. Mocking.

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Not compassionate.

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Well, I mean, they're bams.

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I mean, we don't want to be compassionate to bams.

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We want to be compassionate to the people the bams are being bams to.

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How about this? A second focus group?

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That's certainly possible if...

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Or a limited focus group? Me and you.

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-Just me and you?

-Because you like it. You said.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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-Well, in a way, absolutely.

-I like it.

-You like it.

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Well, if you like it, and I like it, that's a landslide, isn't it?

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In my view.

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-I mean...

-So, we focused it. You and me, who's in charge here?

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Is it you and me, or is it the focus group?

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My point is, there's no place for focus groups in the judicial system.

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Juries?

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Here's an idea.

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-Uh-huh?

-We roll out Bamnesty.

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Publish and be damned. We're going with the Bamnesty.

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I want it out in all papers, nationwide.

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Roll it out in the next 48 hours and I'll see you back here.

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Thank you for your time, Mr Saffron. Good day.

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And that's...

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Thank you.

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Supermarkets are some of the most volatile places in Scotland.

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PCs McLaren and Fletcher are trained to defuse explosive situations...

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Stop!

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..and snip the red wire of rage.

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Jog on.

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Today, they drop into a dust-up in the danger zone.

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It doesn't matter. I don't care how many items you've got!

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-I'm going first.

-Hi, guys.

-I'm going first.

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-Guys.

-Excuse me.

-Keep it down a wee bit, thank you.

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-Sorry, sweetheart. All right, Shagger?

-Ho!

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What's been happening here?

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I've come oot the hoose early,

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I've got all my stuff ready, and this idiot here...

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-I just asked to go in front of him.

-Hey, they asked ME.

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-Let's not call names here.

-No, they asked me.

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-Excuse me. Stop shouting.

-What's your name?

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-I'm Claire.

->

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And what's your name?

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Tam Spraggins, and I'd thank you to stand up when you're speaking to me.

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Oh, right. OK.

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So, do you want to fill us in? What's been happening?

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-Right.

-I just asked to go...

-Wait a minute. She asked me.

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-One at a time.

-Yes.

-One at a time.

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I had one item and I just asked, "Can I please go in front?"

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-and he just went...

-I come down here,

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get my scones to put on my granny's grave,

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get my breakfast, my all-day breakfast, get out

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and set myself up for the day.

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And this idiot's standing there with her one...

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-Stop calling her an idiot.

-Her name's Claire.

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-Oh, right. Sorry, Claire.

-How many scones does your gran need?

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Listen, I lay them at her grave, all right?

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It's a wee tradition that I do.

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Ten scones at a grave?

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It's her birthday, she was a big woman.

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-Shagger, you've come up...

-Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Jack McLaren.

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-PC Jack McLaren.

-Sorry.

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Shagger? Yes, I am. Do I look like a shagger? Yes, I am.

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Am I a shagger? Yes, I am. You call me Jack McLaren?

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-Yes, you will. OK?

-OK, PC Mc...

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Claire, sorry, we will sort this out...

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I mean, this lady, she only had one item.

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OK, listen, on you go, then, all right?

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See, that's good, you're being the bigger person.

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What do you mean, being the bigger person? I feel as if...

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-No, I don't...

-I feel as if you're nipping at me here.

-No.

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You're nice, Shagger,

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but, sweetheart, you're getting on my nerves.

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You need to understand, it's not just today.

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-This is it just coming to a head. It's every day, you know?

-What is?

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That's poor lassie has just been the brunt of it but, listen,

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-I'm really sorry that you have to come out for this.

-OK.

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And I apologise and I'd just like to say sorry, hen.

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-Thank you.

-I'm really sorry.

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-Right, I'm sorry about that, Shagger, all right?

-Hey!

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-Catch you later.

-PC McLaren.

-PC McLaren.

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-Shagger, it's a fact, but I'm PC McLaren.

-Sorry.

-OK?

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Sorry about that.

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Thinking this volcano is dormant, the officers walk away...

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Another one! You want to go in front of me and all because...

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..only for it erupt for a second time.

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You want some of this, you clown? You want some?

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Whoa! Move it. Come on. Have his scones.

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-You've made life difficult for yourself.

-Come on, you. Ridiculous.

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Thanks to a crazy five minutes at the self-service,

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this hothead is now doing five months of community service.

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Serving the countryside community are officers Charlie McIntosh

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and Jane Mackay.

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Well, we were called to the scene of what we thought

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was a breaking and entering.

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We arrived to be greeted by a woman

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who seemed quite distressed, actually.

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-Hello?

-Are you my backup, yeah?

-Sorry?

-What?

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I've called for backup.

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We soon discovered that she had made a citizen's arrest.

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-You've made a citizen's arrest...

-Yeah.

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-..of someone that you suspected...

-An arrest, yeah.

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..of breaking and entering?

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Oh, definitely breaking and entering, yeah. Yeah.

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-And your name is Bernie Cooper?

-Bernie Cooper.

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And are you a police officer?

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I'm sort of training to be a police officer at the moment.

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Oh, right. Good, aye. What stage are you at in the training?

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Application.

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Right.

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So, about quarter past nine this morning,

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I saw him climbing over the fence into the garden,

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and he looked dodgy,

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like, I knew he was coming to, you know, maybe steal something.

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So, he climbed over and I managed to run out

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and get him from behind.

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I smacked him a few times because he wasn't really listening to me.

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-Right. OK.

-So, you've effectively assaulted him slightly as well?

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I wouldn't say assaulted.

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So, how long has he been here in the shed?

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Four hours.

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Four...four hours?!

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Why haven't you called us sooner?

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I just thought it'd do him good to be locked up

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and sort of think about what he's done.

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-It's not really your decision to make.

-Yeah, but...

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You should have called us immediately,

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as soon as you suspected something.

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Can I write these notes down?

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Because this is good training for me, actually.

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Do you mind if I write down what you just said?

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Well, generally, we take the notes.

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-Yeah, but just so I can... for my next test.

-OK, but we...

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-So, I should have called straight away?

-Yes.

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-Should have called immediately?

-Immediately.

-Yeah.

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As soon as you suspected any mysterious behaviour.

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-You should not...

-..Immediately...

-..conduct...

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..Suspicious behaviour...

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..any vigilante behaviour, like you have done.

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Lots to learn for this wannabe cop.

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And after Willie Saffron launches the new Bamnesty initiative,

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the chief learns that not all publicity is good publicity.

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This is just a disastrous day.

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I mean, I'm all over the... Look, Bam-eron Miekelson.

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This is how I'm being treated, you know?

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Every phone-in, you turn on the radio, everybody's talking about it.

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-ON RADIO:

-'The real bam out there is that chief of police.'

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Ohh...

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And in the end, someone's got to take responsibility.

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You know, the buck has to stop somewhere.

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This is the biggest PR disaster

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in the history of the Scottish Police Force.

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HE SIGHS

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You've got to be big enough to take responsibility.

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Stand up and be counted.

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So, I've had the lawyers draft this up.

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Only remains for me to sign it.

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Ah, this is a sad day for the Scottish Police Force.

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But a sadder day for Willie Saffron,

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because that is his contract terminated.

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With immediate effect, Jean!

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Another big decision nailed.

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When you've got to go, you've got to go.

0:14:480:14:50

And Maggie LeBeau has got to go...on the phone to the public.

0:14:500:14:55

Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

0:14:550:14:58

No, your leg shouldn't have fallen off.

0:14:580:14:59

That's... No, that's concerning.

0:14:590:15:01

When he fell in the ravine, were his pants on or off?

0:15:010:15:05

As far as I can see, the nearest zoo is over 100 miles away,

0:15:050:15:08

so I'm not sure that it's going to be a panther.

0:15:080:15:10

I would say one big way that my work affects me

0:15:100:15:14

is that it has really put me off men.

0:15:140:15:16

Because they can be really sleazy on the phone.

0:15:160:15:19

OK, sir, the car will be with you shortly.

0:15:190:15:21

No, you can't have my personal phone number.

0:15:230:15:26

I'm going to have to ask you to get off the line,

0:15:260:15:28

we need to clear it.

0:15:280:15:29

Emergency response phone congestion is a very serious issue,

0:15:290:15:32

and I'm never going to have a future

0:15:320:15:34

with somebody who doesn't take that seriously. OK?

0:15:340:15:37

Even last week, for example, I had this guy hitting on me,

0:15:370:15:41

he's laying it on thick, I know he's married.

0:15:410:15:45

I'm like, "You're phoning us

0:15:450:15:47

"to report that your wife's been mugged."

0:15:470:15:49

I'm not a mug. I mean, that's disgraceful, in my books.

0:15:490:15:53

Back at the countryside contretemps,

0:15:550:15:57

McIntosh and Mackay are keen to shed some light

0:15:570:16:00

on who's locked in the garden.

0:16:000:16:03

Yep, lead on. Show us where you've locked him up.

0:16:030:16:07

-Oh, no. Oh, I don't believe it.

-What?

0:16:070:16:10

Hang on.

0:16:100:16:12

-This is where he was?

-This is where he was.

-Oh, great(!)

0:16:120:16:15

Do you want to put a call out? Get some more backup?

0:16:150:16:18

No, no. We don't need to do that. Just tell us again.

0:16:180:16:20

So, this is where you locked the man up.

0:16:200:16:22

-Yes.

-After you'd beaten him up.

-I take it the shed was full?

0:16:220:16:25

-Do you know what I think's happened here?

-Yeah?

0:16:250:16:27

-I think he's escaped.

-I think that's pretty obvious.

0:16:270:16:30

-We know that.

-He could be anywhere. Armed!

0:16:300:16:32

-The tool box is open.

-He's armed now because you locked him in

0:16:320:16:35

-with a pile of tools.

-But that's not my fault.

0:16:350:16:37

-It definitely is your fault.

-Well, it is.

-No.

0:16:370:16:39

The first thing we need to do is find out

0:16:390:16:41

what is missing from the shed.

0:16:410:16:42

So, if you can identify any tools that might not be here

0:16:420:16:45

any longer, that would be great.

0:16:450:16:47

Yeah. Is the bike gone? Maybe that's how he fled.

0:16:470:16:49

-I don't know.

-What do you mean, you don't know?

0:16:490:16:51

I have no idea what's missing.

0:16:510:16:53

-So, you just chuck stuff in your shed?

-It's not my shed.

-Sorry, what?

0:16:530:16:56

-How did...

-This is somebody else's property?

0:16:560:16:59

No, I live two doors along,

0:16:590:17:00

and I saw him climbing over that fence.

0:17:000:17:02

What you should have done was call us out immediately.

0:17:020:17:06

Immediately. Yeah, and there's no point in taking notes, OK?

0:17:060:17:09

Because all of this is common sense. If you don't have any of it,

0:17:090:17:12

you're not going to get into the police.

0:17:120:17:13

We're going to need this for evidence.

0:17:130:17:16

We'll just get you to sign off on your statement

0:17:160:17:18

-and then we can arrest you properly.

-Yeah.

-What?!

-Yeah.

0:17:180:17:21

We're going to have to arrest you.

0:17:210:17:22

-You're arresting ME?

-We're definitely arresting you.

0:17:220:17:25

We can't prove anything that this mystery man has done,

0:17:250:17:27

but we know that you've broken in.

0:17:270:17:29

We know that you've detained someone illegally.

0:17:290:17:31

-We know you've obstructed...

-Assaulted him.

0:17:310:17:33

Basically, we are arresting you for five crimes at the moment.

0:17:330:17:36

There was lessons to be learned today.

0:17:360:17:38

As Charlie said, don't take the law into your own hands.

0:17:380:17:40

And certainly don't put a saw in the hands of someone

0:17:400:17:43

-who you suspect to be dangerous.

-Yeah.

0:17:430:17:46

I think you're going to come with us.

0:17:460:17:49

-You're going to be cuffed. Come on.

-I'll learn. I'll learn.

0:17:490:17:52

I'm learning a lot from you guys already.

0:17:520:17:54

Can I mention I know you guys at my next interview?

0:17:540:17:56

-Please don't.

-You absolutely can't.

0:17:560:17:58

We don't want this to reflect poorly on us.

0:17:580:18:00

There is no way she is ever going to be a police officer.

0:18:000:18:03

If this woman ever becomes a police officer,

0:18:030:18:06

then I will hang up my hat.

0:18:060:18:08

And then I'll eat it.

0:18:080:18:10

-It's best for you if you just stop talking now.

-Right.

0:18:100:18:14

The range of things that we are faced with day to day

0:18:150:18:18

in the station has increased dramatically.

0:18:180:18:21

You know, we're not just focusing on crime any more.

0:18:210:18:23

People see us as a broader church than that.

0:18:230:18:26

You know, they'll come to us for citizens' advice...

0:18:260:18:29

Officer Karen, I need help. I need backup.

0:18:290:18:31

-What's happening, Bobby?

-Somebody's stole my face.

0:18:310:18:34

..financial advice...

0:18:340:18:36

Have you been carrying that around in a plastic bag?!

0:18:360:18:39

..environmental...

0:18:390:18:40

-Somebody's lost their bed.

-Bobby!

0:18:400:18:42

-There's chocolate stains all over it.

-..health and safety...

0:18:420:18:45

Please don't do that in front of children. It's not safe.

0:18:450:18:48

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-How? Is it going to scare them?

0:18:480:18:50

..food and hygiene...

0:18:500:18:51

You cannae eat food that you get out of skips.

0:18:510:18:54

-Do you want one?

-No.

0:18:540:18:56

The law is not easy.

0:18:560:18:57

What does "phallic" mean?

0:18:570:18:59

Realistically, for the public, the best way to know

0:18:590:19:02

if you've broken the law is for us to tell you.

0:19:020:19:04

From dusk till dawn till dusk till dawn,

0:19:060:19:09

Scot Squad are perpetually on patrol. Always.

0:19:090:19:13

One of the things I enjoy most about this job

0:19:150:19:17

is meeting new people, with the aim of making new friends.

0:19:170:19:21

One of the groups I've got a natural affinity with is prostitutes.

0:19:210:19:25

I love the prostitutes. I really do.

0:19:250:19:28

I feel a strong connection to them.

0:19:280:19:31

Ach, here's our Kenneth, son.

0:19:310:19:33

-Hello, Candy.

-What have you in your bag of tricks tonight, love?

0:19:330:19:37

-Oh, I've got a few things for you in here.

-Maxy, Tyra!

0:19:370:19:41

I spend a lot of time with them, doing lots of things for them.

0:19:410:19:46

I feed them soups, sandwiches.

0:19:460:19:47

-Yes, you do like your egg.

-I do, I do.

0:19:470:19:50

I've got a change of socks and stuff, they never really want that.

0:19:500:19:54

It's usually high heels they wear and that.

0:19:540:19:56

Whoa-oh! Getting a wee freebie there, Officer?

0:19:560:20:00

How dare you?! Away wi' you!

0:20:000:20:02

-Good man, Kenneth Beattie. Come on, son.

-Bastards!

0:20:020:20:05

-You're all right.

-Sorry.

-Never mind.

0:20:050:20:07

Ken, never mind. Gobshites. God bless you, Ken.

0:20:070:20:10

I'll be on my way. Take care, girls. Have a safe night.

0:20:100:20:13

-Everybody loves Ken.

-Oh, they do. That's right.

0:20:130:20:16

Toodles.

0:20:160:20:17

Don't talk to strangers unless they're the work strangers

0:20:170:20:20

that you...

0:20:200:20:21

We'll remember.

0:20:210:20:23

-OK.

-Genius you are, Ken.

0:20:230:20:24

Later on in the evening, the boys approached me

0:20:240:20:27

-and said some pretty nasty things.

-A pimp, eh?

0:20:270:20:30

The prostitutes came in...

0:20:300:20:31

WOMEN SHOUT

0:20:310:20:33

..attacked the boys quite viciously.

0:20:330:20:36

Get to... Come on.

0:20:360:20:37

See you anywhere near Ken again, you'll be sorry.

0:20:370:20:41

You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

0:20:410:20:44

-They wee dicks annoying you?

-Pal, you're all right.

0:20:440:20:47

Will we walk you to the bus stop, then?

0:20:470:20:50

Come on, we'll walk you down.

0:20:500:20:52

-I'll maybe take a wee seat, actually.

-You take a wee seat.

0:20:520:20:54

'Some people think heroes come as firemen

0:20:540:20:57

'or as people dressed as bats.'

0:20:570:20:59

I like to think heroes are women in high heels, and poor hygiene.

0:20:590:21:03

And they say you should never meet your heroes.

0:21:030:21:05

HE SCOFFS

0:21:050:21:07

There are two very clear rules when dealing with suspects in custody.

0:21:070:21:10

Firstly, we can't charge you if you're too drunk.

0:21:100:21:14

Secondly, we can't hold you for longer than 24 hours

0:21:140:21:18

without charging you.

0:21:180:21:20

So, yeah, smart criminals amongst you will probably have

0:21:200:21:22

worked out the loophole,

0:21:220:21:24

and that's exactly what's happening.

0:21:240:21:26

Criminals are getting INSANELY drunk before committing huge crimes

0:21:260:21:31

in the hope that they won't sober up within the 24-hour period,

0:21:310:21:37

and we can't charge them.

0:21:370:21:38

So, we've approached the Justice Secretary

0:21:380:21:41

and we've asked for a slight definition change

0:21:410:21:43

in what is drunkenness and what is not.

0:21:430:21:45

So, basically, if you're slurring,

0:21:450:21:48

if you're staggering about a bit, if you're singing Danny Boy

0:21:480:21:51

and telling the staff sergeant you love him,

0:21:510:21:53

we're going to charge you.

0:21:530:21:54

If you're at the stage where you're losing control of your bowels,

0:21:540:21:57

then we'll probably hang fire.

0:21:570:22:00

From the top dog to road dogs McKirdy and Singh.

0:22:000:22:04

It's not always plain sailing

0:22:040:22:06

on the seven seas of Scotland's roundabouts.

0:22:060:22:09

Well, we received a call just at the start of our shift

0:22:090:22:12

regarding reports of a ship

0:22:120:22:15

that was abandoned in the middle of a roundabout.

0:22:150:22:17

Apparently, there'd been a flood of complaints against this boat,

0:22:170:22:20

so we had to go down and check it out.

0:22:200:22:23

It's a belter.

0:22:230:22:25

It's a cracking big bit of kit, innit?

0:22:270:22:30

Here, Surjit.

0:22:300:22:32

Here! Give me a punt up, mate. Gonnae?

0:22:320:22:35

Yeah, I could do that, or you could use the ladder.

0:22:350:22:37

Oh, right. Aye, I'll give that a bash.

0:22:370:22:40

MCKIRDY CHUCKLES

0:22:450:22:47

I'm on a boat!

0:22:470:22:49

-Anything?

-Hold up, there's a number here.

0:22:490:22:52

There's a number, there's a mobile number.

0:22:520:22:54

Hi there. This is PC Surjit Singh of the Scottish Police Force.

0:22:540:22:58

Are you by any chance missing a boat?

0:22:580:23:00

We need you to come down and remove it.

0:23:020:23:04

This woman's taking ages.

0:23:070:23:09

Ages.

0:23:090:23:10

Did cavemen drink milk?

0:23:130:23:15

-Cavemen?

-Aye.

0:23:160:23:18

I'm on this caveman diet, right?

0:23:180:23:20

So, you can only eat the likes of meat, chicken,

0:23:200:23:23

eat raw vegetables, everything that cavemen had, right?

0:23:230:23:26

So, I can't have anything else, it's only stuff that cavemen have.

0:23:260:23:29

-OK.

-So, I just wanted to clear up...

0:23:290:23:32

You'll ken if I'm allowed to use milk.

0:23:320:23:34

Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure they would have had

0:23:340:23:37

domesticated animals by then. Goats, maybe cows.

0:23:370:23:41

-Aye, that's all right.

-Milk should be... But why milk?

0:23:410:23:43

Because I kind of poured some in my Cheerios this morning.

0:23:430:23:46

I was just kind of wondering if milk was allowed.

0:23:460:23:49

I don't think cavemen had Cheerios.

0:23:510:23:53

-Oh,

-BLEEP,

-haven't I?

0:23:550:23:58

People do stupid things and we have to call them out on it.

0:23:580:24:01

If they didn't do it, we wouldn't have to do that.

0:24:010:24:03

Are you a real captain?

0:24:030:24:05

I believe she was very disappointed and was complaining about, you know,

0:24:050:24:09

the prices about leaving your boat, mooring your boat at docks,

0:24:090:24:13

and, you know, she wanted to say that it's actually quite expensive.

0:24:130:24:17

But I was thinking to myself, "Hen, you own a boat."

0:24:170:24:20

Maggie LeBeau is used to dealing with the big questions.

0:24:230:24:27

You did say he was 6'2" and now you're saying he's 5'10".

0:24:270:24:31

What's the difference?

0:24:310:24:33

Well, four inches.

0:24:330:24:35

And no matter how tough they are, she's always got an answer.

0:24:350:24:40

Well, there's lots of discussion around arming the police.

0:24:400:24:44

And, personally, I would have to say I'm not a fan.

0:24:440:24:47

If I were to treat a gun the same way as I do my headset,

0:24:470:24:51

I mean, that thing... I bang it off my teeth all the time.

0:24:510:24:54

The wee sponge at the end, I've swallowed two of those.

0:24:540:24:57

In the last year, I've lost it at least four times.

0:24:570:25:01

And it's literally strapped to my head, so, to me, that's not safe.

0:25:010:25:06

All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?

0:25:070:25:09

All right, Bobby. What can I do for you today?

0:25:090:25:11

See they bad boys that are always parked up

0:25:110:25:14

-at the double yellow lines at the schools?

-Uh-huh.

0:25:140:25:16

-They're back again and I was just like that...

-Right.

0:25:160:25:19

..I'll come down and I'll tell Officer Karen about it. Okey dokey.

0:25:190:25:23

Bobby, what are you eating your lunch with?

0:25:240:25:26

It's a noodle fork.

0:25:260:25:28

I got it from the car-boot sale.

0:25:280:25:31

Right.

0:25:310:25:32

I've got a feeling it might actually be a backscratcher.

0:25:320:25:36

No. Look.

0:25:360:25:37

-No...

-It's dented at the bottom for the noodles. See?

0:25:370:25:41

I think you'll find it's probably a backscratcher.

0:25:410:25:45

Um...

0:25:450:25:47

I'm doing all right with it.

0:25:470:25:48

Well, you're losing quite a lot of your lunch so far.

0:25:480:25:52

And not in a good way.

0:25:520:25:54

So, are you going to go up and you're going to sort they guys out?

0:25:540:25:57

I'm going to ask a car to go round and...

0:25:570:26:00

Bobby, now that I can see it kind of sans noodles,

0:26:000:26:02

that's definitely a backscratcher. That's what that's for.

0:26:020:26:05

So, that's a backscratcher?

0:26:050:26:07

-Yep. That's what it's for. There we go. See?

-Yeah.

0:26:070:26:10

I'll try my back.

0:26:100:26:11

Oh. Here we go, that's it, page marked.

0:26:110:26:13

That's amazing.

0:26:130:26:15

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

0:26:150:26:17

Oh, that's good.

0:26:170:26:19

-Is it good, yeah?

-Aye, that's good. You want a shot?

0:26:190:26:22

No, I'm good, thanks. I'm all right.

0:26:220:26:24

Chuck that in the bin, right, Officer Karen? Bye!

0:26:240:26:27

Bye.

0:26:270:26:28

We're shortly going to be rolling out a new strategy,

0:26:310:26:34

which is a working-from-home strategy.

0:26:340:26:36

Studies have shown that, actually,

0:26:360:26:39

interestingly, productivity rises if you work from home.

0:26:390:26:44

So, I am going to be the guinea pig,

0:26:440:26:47

because I wouldn't want any of my men to do something

0:26:470:26:53

that I am not willing to do myself.

0:26:530:26:56

Jean! Yeah.

0:26:590:27:01

I can't log in. Can you remotely log in for me?

0:27:010:27:05

Could you e-mail me the Anderson file again?

0:27:050:27:08

Yeah, Jean. No, the whole thing's just frozen.

0:27:080:27:11

Can you get one of the IT boys to either access me remotely

0:27:110:27:15

or come round themselves? Thanks very much.

0:27:150:27:18

Jean? Yeah. Do I take sugar in my coffee?

0:27:220:27:25

Hey! Front! Do the front first!

0:27:270:27:30

Listen, son. No, you listen to me.

0:27:300:27:32

I don't even know what you're talking about.

0:27:320:27:34

I never bought anything like that, I don't know what PPI is.

0:27:340:27:37

Jean, hello. Yeah, thank you.

0:27:370:27:38

Anderson file's come through, looking for the SOCG file.

0:27:380:27:41

Have one of the boys run it over, put it on a bike for me.

0:27:410:27:44

Thank you.

0:27:440:27:46

HE SNORES

0:27:460:27:47

It wasn't an unqualified success

0:27:470:27:49

but I don't think we would be filing it under "disaster".

0:27:490:27:53

Um...teething troubles.

0:27:530:27:56

And I think if we do it again...

0:27:560:27:57

It was the lack of Jean, really.

0:27:570:28:00

We could maybe transport the whole of this office there,

0:28:000:28:03

actually, would be better.

0:28:030:28:05

We could get a bunch of Portakabins there and get all of them...

0:28:050:28:07

Well, not a skeleton staff,

0:28:070:28:09

maybe eight or ten of them to come down and help.

0:28:090:28:11

Then I think the whole working from home would work.

0:28:110:28:14

Basically, if the office and everybody who works in the office

0:28:140:28:17

was at home with me, is what we've learned.

0:28:170:28:20

But you've got to try these things.

0:28:200:28:23

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