Episode 2 Scot Squad


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Episode 2

Spoof comedy following the Unified Scottish Police Force. Singh and McKirdy extinguish an inferno. The Chief furthers his dream of becoming a bestselling crimewriter.


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Transcript


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-Coming up...

-Hey!

-..it's a rollover...

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-Get out!

-I'm not going up.

-You're getting out!

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..it's a knockout...

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Bobby? Bobby?

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SIREN BLARES

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..it's a blaze.

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Is that a barbecue?

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Fighting the good fight...

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-Oi!

-You're under arrest!

-..sniffing out hoods,

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crooks and unacceptable activities.

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-Stop, it. Stop that.

-This is Scot Squad!

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Scotland, home to over five million people -

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many of them prone to going radge, nuts or loco.

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Go find my dog, will you?

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Calming the chaos when it all kicks off are the men and women of the

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Scottish police force.

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Coolest cucumber in the country is the ice man himself,

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Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

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Tell Tupac to stop filming!

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All clued up on what's most offensive.

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The Offensive Behaviour Act does cause us a lot of problems.

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It's very time-consuming, because it's the shifting sands

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of what is offensive and what is not,

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and who can you offend and who shouldn't you offend?

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And is it OK to offend anybody? I mean, I'm offended all the time.

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I mean, you just Google my name,

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right now on the internet, there you go.

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You've got Cameron Dickelson,

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Cameron Miekelson-of-a-bitch,

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-Chief Commissioner

-BLEEP.

-You know, am I offended?

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No, I just grow a pair.

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-I can take it. You can call me a baldy-heided pig

-BLEEP

-all day!

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You know? But the Offensive Behaviour Act

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is not designed to protect me.

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It's designed to protect those who do take offence,

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and that, unfortunately, can be anybody.

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And times change. I mean, "gypsy" for instance.

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That's a very interesting one. We used to use the word "gypsy"

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willy-nilly. Now, I can guarantee we will not use "gypsy"

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willy nor nilly. We even...I've stopped having Gypsy Creams.

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If someone's in for a meeting, they won't get a Gypsy Cream from me.

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In case offence is taken, and that...

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that's a perfect example, biscuits.

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There's a whole range you can no longer...you can no longer have.

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A Ginger Nut, you'd think,

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"No, that's offensive to many Scottish people."

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Chocolate Finger.

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You try giving the Chocolate Finger to the Women's Institute,

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see how far you get, that's all I'm saying.

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So, if you're having afternoon tea in my office,

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you'll get served a Custard Cream.

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The cream of Scottish volunteer policing is Ken Beattie,

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an unsung hero with a heart of gold,

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eager to be the public face that faces the public.

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Oh, God, somebody's taken a shit in the phone box again.

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Last night, I was very excited,

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because I got invited to the Parkhill Community Council

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committee meeting.

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I was there to represent the police,

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which was a great honour for me.

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-I'm Helen.

-Helen?

-I'm the chairman of the Parkhill Community Council.

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-Betty?

-Yes.

-I'm Ken Beattie.

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-Donald?

-Yes.

-Ken Beattie.

-How do you do?

-Pleasure to meet you, Donald.

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There was also cake...

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and coffee, which I was not expecting!

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Look at this, that's like a tuck shop!

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-How much for the...?

-No, no, no, you help yourself.

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-We take good care of our guests here.

-Oh, my word!

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That was a very good bonus.

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A less good bonus was the things they were asking me about.

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Floor's all yours, Ken.

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Thank you. Can I ask you a question?

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Oh! Right away.

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Immigration.

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When are you going to stop all those immigrants coming into this country?

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There's no control. When are you going to control it?

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-Me...

-Yes!

-..personally?

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Um, well...

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Unless they litter...I could do something about that.

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OK. Is that all the...? Oh.

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-Stop and search.

-Stop and search?

-Stop and search.

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The kids that I take the football with,

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they, every day, coming up to me,

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"Stevie, Stevie, these coppers are always pulling us over.

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-"They're always searching us."

-You don't want stop and searches?

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Aye. Ban them, completely.

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-Ban them.

-Yep.

-Ban stop and searches.

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OK, I don't think that will go down well,

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but I can see

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-what I can do.

-Right, OK.

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Can I just say, instead of stopping folk like that,

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you should be up in they fields there,

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where the 14- and 15-year-olds are lying drunk.

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So, more stop and searching at the fields,

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and less stop and searching down at the parks?

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OK. We're getting somewhere now.

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As Ken takes notes,

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Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar is tasked with recording whatever the

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public feel is important.

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And that means the paperwork never stops at her station.

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-Ooh.

-Karen, how are you doing?

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All right, Bobby, what can I do for you?

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-You all right?

-Officer Karen,

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I've just found a bag of shanks in the middle of the road, right?

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In the middle of the road. I was wondering if you could help me.

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-Look.

-I'm looking, I'm looking, Bobby.

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I just don't want to touch anything and get fingerprints on it.

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-Where did this happen?

-It happened in the middle of the road,

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-up at the city centre.

-Right.

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Oh, right. OK. Give me a couple of minutes. I just need to check

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-a couple of things, OK?

-Just see when you're there, is it all right

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if I hide in the toilet, just in case he comes in?

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If you really want to, then go for your life.

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-You all right, Officer Karen?

-Bobby?

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Where exactly were you when you saw this guy?

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I was in the city centre, in the middle of the road.

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Right. Were you up by the shops?

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-Yeah.

-Right.

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What did the guy look like, that you took these off of?

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-Well, he had long hair...

-Uh-huh.

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..he looked like Tarzan, he had his top off and he was wearing, like,

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-Aladdin shoes.

-Right.

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Was he holding them like this at all?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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I think he was a maniac.

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I think what you've done there, I'll be honest,

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is, uh, I think you slightly mugged a juggler.

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-Really?

-Wee bit, aye.

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But why is he juggling knives?

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That's bad. Therefore, I've done the right thing.

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Yes and no.

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I think what you've inadvertently done

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is take that man's livelihood off him and bring it in to the police

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station. So, what I'm going to do is,

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I'm going to try and get in touch with the juggler

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and give him back his juggling knives.

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Because I was thinking, you know, how you get 4½ years

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for carrying an offensive weapon.

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-Yeah.

-Well, there's about seven there, isn't there?

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So, what's that?

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-Uh...

-37½ years, the guy's going to get.

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Well...

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Probably not, on the basis that they're blunt and for juggling.

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Erm, and legal.

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But I appreciate you were trying to do the right thing.

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What I suggest is, is maybe if you just want to go home...

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Right, nae worries, Officer Karen. Thank you very much.

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-That's the phone again.

-You better get it...

-I know, I need to get it.

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..Officer Karen, sorry! I'll talk to you later, right?

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-I'll speak to you later.

-Bye, Officer Karen.

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See you later, Bobby.

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As you can imagine, I get invited to any number of charity events,

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fundraisers, and, you know, I,

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to be honest, I tend to try not to go unless I have to.

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But, this one, I'm quite intrigued to go.

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It's the ¸Lothian Benevolent Fundraiser,

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and special guest, Ian Rankin.

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And, as you know, I do a little bit of writing myself

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in the crime genre.

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I thought it might be nice to bump into Ian,

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and see if I can maybe, uh,

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get a little bit of advice from him.

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Or give him some!

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Anyone drinking yet?

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Not yet. I see.

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Evening. Hi.

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-Yeah.

-This?

-Yes.

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That's you. Cameron Miekelson.

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-Hi. Ian Rankin.

-You're Ian Rankin, I know, I know.

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When I saw the name I thought, "It has to be".

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-I'm a big fan.

-Oh, thank you.

-I'm a very, very big fan.

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-Mm, nice wine, this.

-Yeah, it's lovely.

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Yeah. Um, look, I can't wait any longer.

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Capital Of Blood. Mean anything to you?

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-Capital Of Blood?

-Capital Of Blood.

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I knew you were going to be here. I know you've got it anyway, because I

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sent it to you, but just in case, I want you to take one away as well.

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Yeah. So, the main character, Michael Cameronson, you know?

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-Michael Cameronson.

-Bit of a loner. Other cops hate him.

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Women love him, though.

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Drinks a bit.

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Yeah, it's kind of been done.

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Well, I don't think it's been done very well.

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-Uh-huh?

-You know, between you and me.

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And I think...you know, I think that kind of maverick cop,

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there's always, there's always a place for a maverick cop.

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-In today's modern police force?

-In today's modern police force, yes.

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And what there's never been is someone at the very top,

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a Chief Commissioner who's solving all the crimes.

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Because, basically, everybody else is incompetent.

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I mean, you'll remember the plot. It's the impaler killer.

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-Yeah?

-OK. Yeah.

-The first murder, remember?

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Scott Monument, he's thrown up in the air and impaled on

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Scott Monument. He's impaled on - the second murder -

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impaled on the One o'clock Gun.

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I just can't visualise how you can impale someone

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on the One o'clock Gun. It's a cannon.

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OK, OK. This is valuable stuff, Ian.

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Let me just get some of this down.

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So, you're saying that you can't be impaled on a cannon?

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-I wouldn't have thought so.

-OK, when Michael Cameronson chases

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-the impaler killer.

-That name is something you have to think about,

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-that name.

-You think so? Michael Cameronson?

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-What's wrong with Michael Cameronson?

-What's your name again?

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-Well, Cameron Miekelson.

-Yeah.

-But you've got to have little broad hints about, you know.

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It's not autobiographical, but I've seen a lot of this kind of stuff.

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-More than broad.

-You got to the end, didn't you?

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-Because he chases the killer down to Leith.

-Yeah.

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On the boat, then he escapes through the porthole,

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chases up the Forth Road Bridge, where there's a fist...

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Pulls the balaclava off the killer.

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It's Svetlina, the gorgeous Russian double agent!

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Yeah. He escapes through a porthole?

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-Yes.

-What is he, Hen Broon?

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Well, he's...

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-He's a...

-A porthole's not a very big space.

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He's a thin...he's a thin...

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-It's a thin man?

-He's a very thin, good-looking cop.

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So, Svet...of course they have a bit of sex,

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-but then she escapes to New York.

-Uh-huh.

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You see where we're going with this now?

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Sequels! Sequels?

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The Big Apple Of Blood.

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The crime writer learns from the crime-fighter.

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Meanwhile, not all cars are fit for the road.

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Traffic officers Singh and McKirdy

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are purposed with checking for vehicles not fit for purpose.

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You'd be surprised at how many cars you see that are unroadworthy.

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You'll see, uh,

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bumpers hanging off the side of cars,

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you've got doors hanging off the side of cars,

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smoke that comes out of cars.

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Pull him over, man. Pull him over, hit the lights.

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SIREN BLARES

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Right, lads. Just head over to the pavement for me, please.

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-Some smell coming fae it, right enough.

-Thank you.

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What have you got here?

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-Barbecue.

-Barbecue?

-Aye.

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With an open boot. How can you see out the windshield with that?

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-Where were yous boys?

-We were at the park there.

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Apparently a bunch of wee bams come down and started to noise them up.

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And they decided, well, instead of throwing the barbecue out,

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they decided to put the barbecue in the boot, and try and get it back up

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the road. Can you open that for me?

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-Aye.

-Aye, let's see what you've got in there.

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Just mind the rod, mind the rod, mind the rod!

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All right.

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Whoa! What yous got there? Aye, there we go.

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I actually complimented them, because the links were

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actually good. I tried a wee link.

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Aye, not too bad! I actually like them.

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Burgers, tae. Yous not got any rolls, no?

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And I just kind of got tore in.

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I had a wee burger, I had a wee drink of juice.

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So, obviously, we advise against this kind of behaviour.

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-This is not safe, you know what I mean.

-Aye.

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So, for proper reasons, you understand that, yeah?

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Folk could be driving by. They smell that lovely,

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crackling smell of sausages barbecuing away.

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You know, it's going to hook your beak and, "What's that?"

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Turn around and you see smoke, and you end up going into a lamppost

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or a cat. Might seem like a bright idea at the time,

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but we cannae have this. So, we're going to have to take the barbecue.

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If yous are not eating the rest of the burgers, I'll take them.

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Here. This is the body-builder's there, right, he's watching.

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They don't have buns, so they kind of put their fillings in

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and they use it like that, see?

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Nae carbs.

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The barbecue was still hot,

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so we advised them to leave the barbecue at the side of the road,

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wait till it cooled down,

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and then come back and pick it up a little bit later on.

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But we didnae let it cool down,

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because we had a big bottle of orange juice.

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There we go.

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Don't want the smoke coming in the street, you know?

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Good thinking there, good thinking.

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See you later, boys! Bye.

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The burger boys are let off with a grilling.

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Justice is served well done, and this barbie's road trip is over.

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I had the taste of they burgers in my mouth all day.

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Especially with the mustard. Because I'm not used to eating mustard.

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It must have been American mustard. I'm used to eating French mustard.

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Back at the council meet, Ken's keen to keep a tally

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of complaints, as the locals let off steam.

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So, we've got stop and search,

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we've got drunk people at the park,

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-and...

-Immigrants.

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Of course. How could I forget?

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And Ken, I'd like to know what you're going to do about

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-this global warning.

-Do you mean warming or warning?

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Aye, well, warming, you know what I'm talking about.

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-OK. I wasn't sure.

-No, no.

-I didn't know if that was two separate...

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I mean, you don't know whether to book a holiday in Spain for a month,

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or whether to book a holiday in Saltcoats!

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-OK.

-And it's all to do with this global warning!

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-Ken...

-Yes, Greta?

-..I'd just like to ask about the price of petrol.

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I mean, it's gone up and up and up.

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Diesel, petrol, up way over £1 now.

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-OK.

-Can you tell me why that is?

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Global warming?

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No, that's got nothing to do with the price of oil!

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It's the price of petrol.

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Anything else?

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Seagulls.

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OK!

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So, to be clear,

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there's three points of action.

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Number one, I shall take your list of complaints

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to the Justice Secretary.

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When I find out who the Justice Secretary is.

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Number two, I shall increase management of resources

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to cope with immigration and increased Scottish birth rate.

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And number three, I shall put away the chairs and tidy the hall

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after the meeting...this evening. Is that everything?

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The Scottish police force is always ready and willing to respond

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to the public's needs.

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Maggie LeBeau engages effectively and efficiently.

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The person driving under the influence is...you?

0:15:340:15:38

So, how exactly did you carpet burn your face?

0:15:380:15:42

No, I don't think a helicopter will be able to spot your stripey

0:15:420:15:45

flip-flops, but I'll put the details in.

0:15:450:15:49

Today, she's engaged...elsewhere.

0:15:490:15:52

I'm not in the office.

0:15:520:15:54

As you can see, I'm in the Police Museum.

0:15:540:15:56

That's because I've started volunteering here,

0:15:560:15:58

doing some shifts, showing the public around,

0:15:580:16:01

teaching them about the history of the police.

0:16:010:16:03

To start off with, we've got lots of uniforms.

0:16:030:16:06

Some older uniforms here.

0:16:060:16:08

You may notice that we have swords.

0:16:080:16:10

Now, nowadays, the police don't have swords,

0:16:100:16:13

unless they've taken them off somebody.

0:16:130:16:15

But, then, they got a sword.

0:16:150:16:16

So, people were more scared of the police, and with good reason.

0:16:160:16:20

The medal we have here is a suffragette medal.

0:16:200:16:23

Wasn't actually given to a suffragette,

0:16:240:16:26

it was given to the police officer who arrested the most suffragettes.

0:16:260:16:30

In this room, we have all the uniforms.

0:16:300:16:33

Not just from the UK, but around the world.

0:16:330:16:35

So, very exciting stuff.

0:16:350:16:37

We've got the Russian ones.

0:16:370:16:39

The only thing I would say is, I'm not sure if they've noticed,

0:16:390:16:42

but the slogan there, if you look at it in a mirror,

0:16:420:16:46

it could be an issue.

0:16:460:16:49

All in all, you can see that

0:16:490:16:50

there's some great uniforms around the world,

0:16:500:16:52

but, personally, I do think we have the best one.

0:16:520:16:56

We're the only one who gets to wear a hi-vis vest,

0:16:560:16:59

and who doesn't love wearing a hi-vis vest?

0:16:590:17:03

Back at the auction, great minds talk crime.

0:17:030:17:06

You've had a bit of success, son, OK?

0:17:060:17:09

There's no need to get on your high... They're not that great,

0:17:090:17:11

between you and me. OK, Rebus is all right.

0:17:110:17:14

But riddled with procedural errors.

0:17:140:17:17

-Like what?

-Oh, dress, people wearing the wrong hat, the wrong shoes.

0:17:170:17:21

You've got a killer running round Edinburgh

0:17:210:17:23

-impaling people on cannons.

-Yeah, all right, I'll change that!

0:17:230:17:26

-He can stuff him inside, you know?

-He cannae stuff him inside!

0:17:260:17:29

-Yes, you can!

-The aperture's about that size.

0:17:290:17:31

He's a thin guy, the guy he kills has got anorexia.

0:17:310:17:34

God, you find problems in everything.

0:17:340:17:36

-And your main character...

-You know, in Exit Music, by the way.

0:17:360:17:39

Exit Music, page 75,

0:17:390:17:41

the number 26 bus, OK,

0:17:410:17:43

doesn't go down St John's Street after 11 o'clock on an evening.

0:17:430:17:48

So, don't come, "Oh, I've done my research".

0:17:480:17:50

-It's fiction.

-God's sake, son!

0:17:500:17:52

I mean, it's a charity do. You could be a bit more charitable.

0:17:520:17:55

What about encouraging new writers, eh?

0:17:550:17:57

Oh, no, jobs for the boys. Let's keep them out.

0:17:570:18:00

We only want our books being sold at the airport.

0:18:000:18:02

It's you and Mc...Val McDermid all the rest of them, you know.

0:18:020:18:05

You don't let other people into the game.

0:18:050:18:07

Well, we do when the quality's there.

0:18:070:18:10

Aw, listen, enough.

0:18:100:18:11

'Ladies and gentlemen, we now come to tonight's auction.

0:18:110:18:15

'Would you please put your hands together and welcome our host,

0:18:150:18:18

'Mr Ian Rankin!'

0:18:180:18:20

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

0:18:200:18:22

APPLAUSE

0:18:220:18:23

Rebus is my favourite! And the other boy!

0:18:230:18:25

And the other one. Really.

0:18:250:18:28

APPLAUSE

0:18:280:18:31

Look, drink was taken, put it that way.

0:18:350:18:38

I did have a little bit of a spat with Ian Rankin, and some things

0:18:380:18:41

were said that I regret, in retrospect.

0:18:410:18:44

And then the blood was pumping because of that.

0:18:440:18:47

I may have overbid for this item here, that's, uh,

0:18:470:18:52

a-a-a signed Andy Murray shirt.

0:18:520:18:56

But signed by Jamie Murray.

0:18:560:18:58

I didn't know that at the time of bidding,

0:18:590:19:01

so maybe £5,000 was maybe overstepping the mark.

0:19:010:19:05

But, look.

0:19:050:19:07

It's for charity.

0:19:070:19:09

Besides, it's not my money.

0:19:090:19:10

Experienced urban cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher

0:19:130:19:18

have withstood most things the streets have to throw at them.

0:19:180:19:21

-You idiot!

-What?

-That's disgusting!

0:19:210:19:24

Oh, don't be sick.

0:19:240:19:25

-But they've learned to expect...

-Whoa!

0:19:250:19:28

-..the unexpected.

-Sarah could have died!

0:19:280:19:31

-I nearly spilled my tea.

-Exactly!

0:19:310:19:34

Yeah, sometimes you turn up to an incident, you don't get all the

0:19:340:19:36

information, all the facts,

0:19:360:19:38

and you're confronted with something that's quite, you know, surprising.

0:19:380:19:41

We turned up to the park the other day, for

0:19:410:19:45

a young man who'd breached his bail conditions.

0:19:450:19:48

He had a tag on, shouldn't have been outside.

0:19:480:19:50

We had the location, we went to find him,

0:19:500:19:52

and he was, uh, we were confronted with something,

0:19:520:19:55

you know, rather creative.

0:19:550:19:57

What's happening there?

0:19:570:20:00

-No, it can't be.

-It's hard to tell, but I think it is, you know.

0:20:000:20:03

We got in the park and we realised he was in a zorb,

0:20:030:20:06

which is like the big hamster ball things.

0:20:060:20:08

It's not fast. I mean...

0:20:080:20:10

-Hey, hey!

-Yep, stop!

-Hey!

0:20:100:20:12

OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:20:120:20:14

-Yeah, that's it. Whoa.

-What are you doing?

0:20:140:20:16

What are you playing at?

0:20:160:20:18

-Eh?

-What's the problem?

0:20:180:20:20

The problem is that you've broke your bail conditions.

0:20:200:20:22

-You've got your tag on.

-I haven't broken my bail conditions.

0:20:220:20:25

Let me see your tag.

0:20:250:20:26

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah, he does.

0:20:260:20:28

Well, it's beeped, hasn't it? You shouldnae be out at this time.

0:20:280:20:30

-I'm not out.

-Well, you are out.

0:20:300:20:33

-You are.

-This is my house.

0:20:330:20:35

I mean, you're out... technically you're outside.

0:20:350:20:37

No, but this is part of my house. I blew it up in my garden.

0:20:370:20:40

He said that was his house.

0:20:400:20:42

Which, technically, if that's correct,

0:20:420:20:44

then he's not breached his bail conditions.

0:20:440:20:46

But then, of course it's no use to us,

0:20:460:20:48

because that'd be a stupid place to live.

0:20:480:20:50

Just stand still. Out.

0:20:500:20:52

-I'm not coming out.

-Somebody's going to come in and get you.

0:20:520:20:55

You can't come into my house.

0:20:550:20:56

Do we need a warrant, to...?

0:20:560:20:58

The question was asked, would you need a warrant?

0:20:580:21:01

But of course you don't need a warrant, because it's not a house.

0:21:010:21:03

You could climb up a tree and say you need a warrant

0:21:030:21:06

to climb up a tree, so, you quickly

0:21:060:21:07

you know, use your policing skills.

0:21:070:21:09

Right, I'm coming in to get you.

0:21:090:21:11

-You got him?

-And I mean, it's quite warm in there.

0:21:140:21:16

You wouldn't need, you know,

0:21:160:21:18

an electric heater or anything like that.

0:21:180:21:21

-Because it would melt.

-Aye.

0:21:210:21:22

-Get out!

-I'm not going out.

0:21:220:21:24

You're getting out!

0:21:240:21:25

Here, you! Out!

0:21:280:21:30

-Enough of your nonsense, right?

-Right.

0:21:320:21:35

Wait, he's on the run! Quick!

0:21:350:21:36

And then he made a run for it, which was daft.

0:21:360:21:40

It wouldn't have been daft if I'd went in and you'd...

0:21:400:21:42

because he'd have got away from you, but I caught him, like, nae bother.

0:21:420:21:46

Probably would have caught him!

0:21:460:21:47

Erm, can we have, uh, backup, yeah?!

0:21:470:21:50

Well, I'm tailing him!

0:21:500:21:52

So, then, that was it. Apprehended.

0:21:520:21:54

Good job!

0:21:540:21:56

Yeah, I mean, he won't try that again.

0:21:560:21:59

Because we've burst his ball.

0:21:590:22:01

You can roll but you can't hide.

0:22:010:22:03

Sooner or later, the Scot Squad catch up with everyone.

0:22:050:22:10

We definitely get people who phone, just because they feel a bit guilty,

0:22:100:22:13

or they've got a dark secret that they want to share.

0:22:130:22:16

And I understand, I mean, we all have dark secrets, we do.

0:22:160:22:21

You know, mine would probably be,

0:22:210:22:23

when I was 14,

0:22:230:22:25

I did shoplift a Cliff Richard calendar.

0:22:250:22:28

And I've regretted that ever since.

0:22:280:22:31

Scotland's backroads.

0:22:320:22:34

For McIntosh and Mackay,

0:22:340:22:36

when it comes to a routine stop, in this patch,

0:22:360:22:40

there's no such word as "routine".

0:22:400:22:42

-Do you know why we've stopped you?

-No. I wasn't speeding, was I?

0:22:420:22:46

You weren't speeding at all.

0:22:460:22:47

-Your speed was perfect.

-Oh, Jesus! I thought not! OK.

0:22:470:22:50

-You've actually got a tail light out.

-Have I?!

-Yes.

0:22:500:22:52

-If you just come there.

-Catherine, I'm just writing you a little note

0:22:520:22:56

to say that you've got 28 days to take the car into the garage

0:22:560:22:58

-to get it fixed.

-KNOCK

0:22:580:23:00

Was that...sorry, was that from your...?

0:23:000:23:03

-Have you got something in the boot? I heard...

-No. Oh, I didn't hear anything.

0:23:030:23:06

It's probably just the engine. It's probably just cooling down.

0:23:060:23:09

-That's great. OK, thank you very much.

-KNOCKING

0:23:090:23:11

-There's something in here, is in there?

-Yeah.

0:23:110:23:13

-Uh, no.

-You don't have an animal, or a...?

-No.

0:23:130:23:15

That's definitely not the sound of the car cooling down.

0:23:150:23:18

I think maybe we should just have a look inside.

0:23:180:23:20

-Can we have a look inside your boot, please?

-Is that really necessary?

0:23:200:23:23

Well, it's a suspicious sound and we'd like to check it out.

0:23:230:23:25

Fair enough.

0:23:250:23:27

Oh, oh. Hang... Uh, can you just step back there a second?

0:23:270:23:30

-Oh!

-Charlie.

-Jeez Louise. Oh, we've got...

0:23:300:23:32

-Oh, are you OK? Are you OK?

-No, he's fine.

0:23:320:23:35

-Can you hear me?

-No, no. He's absolutely fine.

0:23:350:23:37

-He's having a nice time!

-Can you please explain what's going on?

0:23:370:23:40

-Right, listen, do you want the truth?

-Yes!

0:23:400:23:42

Right, we met online, we have organised this,

0:23:420:23:44

it's two consenting adults.

0:23:440:23:46

And this is what he likes women to do to him.

0:23:460:23:48

He calls me "mistress".

0:23:480:23:50

You're trying to tell me this is a date right now?

0:23:500:23:53

Well, it's not strictly a date,

0:23:530:23:54

but I can guarantee he's absolutely 100% fine.

0:23:540:23:57

We kind of need confirmation from him.

0:23:570:23:59

Could you please just step out the car?

0:23:590:24:01

Can you please come out?

0:24:010:24:03

Why are you...why are you looking at...?

0:24:030:24:05

I'm just giving him an instruction. Just wait a minute.

0:24:050:24:07

Look, if you like to be dominated, I'll dominate you.

0:24:070:24:09

Get out the car right now!

0:24:090:24:11

Now, we...

0:24:130:24:14

we need to know that you're OK.

0:24:140:24:16

-You're OK?

-Could we have the gag off him,

0:24:190:24:22

-just to confirm in his own voice that he is OK?

-OK.

0:24:220:24:26

You can take the gag off, yes.

0:24:260:24:27

-I can? I'll take the gag off.

-Well, I'll give you permission to do it.

0:24:270:24:31

Are you OK?

0:24:340:24:36

No, I'm good, I'm fine.

0:24:360:24:37

OK, Catherine, I think it's best for you

0:24:370:24:40

if you just get in the vehicle now.

0:24:400:24:41

Erm, for yourself as well, please get in the front.

0:24:410:24:45

Sorry.

0:24:490:24:51

I will get the tail-light fixed.

0:24:510:24:52

Yes, please. Drive safe.

0:24:520:24:55

Come on, Charlie. I'll explain it in the car.

0:24:580:25:00

From one S&M to another S and M,

0:25:020:25:06

Singh and McKirdy.

0:25:060:25:07

-Where is it you get your fruit and veg?

-Fruit and veg?

0:25:080:25:11

-Aye.

-Mum usually gets it.

-Oh, right.

0:25:110:25:13

Like I say, I used to go to Harry's.

0:25:140:25:16

-What?

-What?

-Here, gies us a race!

-No, no race.

0:25:180:25:21

-You want a race, mate?

-Aye, a race, go on!

-You want to race me?

0:25:210:25:24

-Go on, race us!

-You want to race me? Wee man? Hey? Aye.

0:25:240:25:27

-Go on, then.

-Are you ready for...? I'll race you.

0:25:270:25:29

-No, we're not racing.

-I'll race you.

-We're not racing.

0:25:290:25:32

Aye, race him. Give him a wee thrill, come on.

0:25:320:25:34

-It's engaging with the young folk in the community.

-He's a wee boy.

0:25:340:25:36

Hey! You ready? Get set, by the way. Hey, bite my dust, wee man!

0:25:360:25:39

Soon as it goes to green, right? Right?

0:25:390:25:43

-Argh!

-Shite!

-You fannies!

0:25:430:25:45

Stalled, man! Oh, no!

0:25:450:25:47

YOUNG MAN JEERS

0:25:470:25:49

Aw, man.

0:25:490:25:51

Build relations with the community like that?

0:25:510:25:53

Today's cop, always engaging, always approachable.

0:25:530:25:57

Officer Karen, how you doing?

0:25:570:25:59

Bobby?

0:25:590:26:00

Bobby?

0:26:020:26:03

Bobby? Can you hear me?

0:26:030:26:06

Bobby?

0:26:060:26:07

Argh.

0:26:070:26:08

You all right?

0:26:080:26:10

-All right?

-Mind your neck, mind your neck.

0:26:100:26:12

-You OK?

-Are you my guardian angel, Officer Karen?

0:26:120:26:16

Uh, no, but I might potentially be your first aider.

0:26:160:26:19

You got a first aid certificate as well?!

0:26:190:26:21

-Yeah.

-That's brilliant.

-Are you sure you're OK?

0:26:210:26:24

-Aye, I'm brilliant.

-Right, you kind of banged your head a wee bit.

0:26:240:26:27

Mind your...! Mind! Mind your head there.

0:26:270:26:30

How are you doing, Officer Karen?

0:26:300:26:33

It's weird to see you the other side of desk.

0:26:330:26:37

-Are you sure you're feeling OK?

-I feel fresh.

-OK.

-I feel positive.

0:26:370:26:40

-How many fingers?

-Two.

0:26:400:26:42

Who's the Prime Minister?

0:26:420:26:43

I don't know anything about politics, Officer Karen.

0:26:430:26:46

-Come on.

-OK, what's your...

0:26:460:26:48

What's your uncle's first name?

0:26:480:26:51

-Uncle.

-Are you sure you're feeling OK?

0:26:510:26:53

Aye, I feel brilliant, Officer Karen.

0:26:530:26:56

-ou don't have any pain in your neck?

-Nae neck pain.

0:26:560:26:59

Everything looks kind of normal?

0:26:590:27:02

Everything's normal.

0:27:020:27:04

Right, good to go, Officer Karen.

0:27:040:27:05

I don't want to hang about all day and be annoying and all that.

0:27:050:27:08

But, look, I'm going to go up the road, right?

0:27:080:27:11

Um, OK, Bobby, you haven't actually told me what it was

0:27:110:27:14

-you were rushing in for in the first place.

-Eh...

0:27:140:27:17

I think it was to tell you that I've got nae sense of smell

0:27:170:27:20

since I've been five.

0:27:200:27:22

-Right.

-All right, Officer Karen.

0:27:220:27:23

-Look, I'd better go.

-See you later, Bobby.

0:27:230:27:26

See you later.

0:27:260:27:27

Well, yes, I have to face facts, I am a national public figure.

0:27:290:27:34

And, consequently, my head is, you know,

0:27:340:27:36

slightly further above the parapet than, on occasion,

0:27:360:27:38

I'd like it to be!

0:27:380:27:39

You probably recently read that my name was discovered

0:27:390:27:42

on a list of terrorist targets.

0:27:420:27:44

It's odd when you discover your name's on one of those.

0:27:440:27:47

Because, of course, you don't want your life to be upset

0:27:470:27:50

to the extent you can't pop down to Lidl of an evening.

0:27:500:27:53

But I would be lying if, you know,

0:27:530:27:55

to say there wasn't a frisson of satisfaction

0:27:550:27:59

to discover that I'm a bigger prize than big Gerry Butler!

0:27:590:28:04

All-round Scottish hunk and action hero.

0:28:040:28:08

My delight in that discovery was tempered slightly by the fact that I

0:28:080:28:12

discovered I am lower than the Falkirk Wheel.

0:28:120:28:15

I mean, you know.

0:28:150:28:16

God forbid that the barge traffic of this great nation

0:28:160:28:20

ever were to grind to a halt.

0:28:200:28:22

All access to all departments - flashing the spotlight on the good guys banging up the baddies. Knights of the road Singh and McKirdy turn firefighters to extinguish a dangerous inferno and sample some delicious sausages. City cops McLaren and Fletcher rush to the open grass in pursuit of a miscreant on a roll inside a giant hamster ball. The Chief furthers his dream of becoming a bestselling tartan noir crime-writer as he rubs shoulders with one of Scotland's greatest novelists. And local man Bobby does what he believes to be the right thing when he hands in a bag of dangerous-looking weapons to officer Karen. Mirth-inducing mockumentary manoeuvres starring Jack Docherty, Manjot Sumal, Grado, Jordan Young, Sally Reid, Darren Connell, Karen Bartke and special guest Ian Rankin.