Episode 2 Stag


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Episode 2

Dark comedy. The stag weekend from hell continues as the ever-diminishing group of friends are joined by a suspicious latecomer who divides loyalties.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

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'It's Ian. Your future brother-in-law.'

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I'm here for the stag.

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'For 2K all-in, we're guaranteed a weekend's worth of pure man shit,

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'my friends.'

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River says no. There'll be no hunting this weekend.

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-Now, hang on, matey.

-What are we paying you for?

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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ALL: To the kill! The kill.

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THUD, SQUELCH

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Aitken?

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Argh!

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Shit!

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Whoever finds him shouts to the other one, we meet back here.

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Aah!

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Wendy.

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Oh, God.

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If only Christoph was here, he'd know what to do.

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He's not here, is he?

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-COSMO:

-'I'm as broke as it comes. The others,'

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they talked me into sinking all my cash

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into some stupid offshore scheme in Guernsey.

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Come on, Neils!

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Run!

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GUN COCKS

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Oh...

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I'm going to enjoy this.

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WIND WHISTLES

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MUSIC: Nothing Ever Happens by Del Amitri

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What the bloody hell's that?

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# And by five o'clock Everything's dead... #

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Hey!

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What the bloody hell are you playing at?

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Get off the track - you want to get yourself killed?

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# ...Sleep in their beds

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# Like the doped white mice in the college lab... #

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THUNDER CRASHES

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CLOCK CHIMES

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I'm going to ask you one question.

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And you're going to give me a straight answer.

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What have you done...

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with Katie?

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Who?

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My bitch.

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My dog!

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I don't know, I mean, we couldn't care less about your dog.

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I mean, I...

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We like her,

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but we don't know where she is, currently.

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Do we, guys? No.

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I'm going to ask you one more time.

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-What have you done with my dog?

-OK, now, listen...matey.

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Killing any more of us,

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I mean, it's not going to prove anything, is it?

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I think you've made your point.

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Oh, we all know what's going on here, don't we?

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I mean, these guys work in banks.

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I mean, they earn more in an hour than you do in an entire year.

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But they pay less tax!

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And you resent them for it.

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And they get that.

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We know where you're coming from.

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But enough now.

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Seriously.

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Having said that...

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..if there genuinely is no changing your mind,

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could I just point out that I, myself...

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KETTLE WHISTLES AS IT BOILS

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..do not work in the City.

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Um, I'm a television executive.

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One of the good guys.

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A grafter.

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Fill it.

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Right, here's what's going to happen next.

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I'm going to take my Land Rover and I'm going to find my dog.

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Then I'm going to come back here and take care of you.

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The cap's a bit loose, be careful.

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DOOR SHUTS

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Right, fuck this for a game of conkers, I'm off.

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He just told us not to go anywhere.

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Exactly.

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And trust me, the second that tartan psycho finds his pooch,

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he'll be back to butcher us all.

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If he was going to kill us, he would have done it just then.

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The man has Aitken hanging up in his kitchen.

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I mean, think about it - who else has Ledge pissed off

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since we've been here?

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I mean, who else owns a harpoon?

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Let the twat go, that's what I say.

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"I'm just a TV exec. Kill them, not me."

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Last chance.

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Fine.

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Your funerals.

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DOOR SHUTS

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Wait, Cosmo!

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You can't just leave.

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Not like this.

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If you're right and he's the killer, then...

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we're dead.

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If you're wrong, you are.

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You've known these guys for years.

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You can't just not say goodbye.

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Your cummerbund's upside down.

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You might want to get inside.

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Yeah.

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There.

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OWL HOOTS

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GROANING IN DISTANCE

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STONES CLATTER DOWN HOLE

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FAINT SPLASH AND HISS

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Oh, what the hell.

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Shit!

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Oof! Urgh!

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I'm not sure we should, to be honest.

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That looks like an expensive bottle. We don't want to piss him off.

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I think that ship might have sailed.

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To Aitken.

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To Wendy.

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To Neils.

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To Cosmo.

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Well, it's pretty likely.

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Ahh...

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Yes?

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Nothing, it's just...I just noticed

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that you didn't put your little finger up.

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-I'm sorry?

-Your pinkie.

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-It wasn't perky.

-He's right, you know.

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So, that's a forfeit.

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ANGUS GIGGLES

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Trousers down...

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drink what's left!

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What, all of it?

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-"Finish", it says here.

-If it flows, it goes.

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Fine.

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THEY LAUGH

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Rrr!

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HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR

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Maybe Fatty lost his nerve.

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(Maybe Grumpy found his dog.)

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Maybe it's the Fear Mor?

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HANDLE RATTLES, DOOR BANGS

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Positions!

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This is my space! Go!

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LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS

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CLICKS AGAIN

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FLOORBOARD CREAKS

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-Huh!

-Ah!

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-Mex!

-Aaiii!

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Aargh!

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G'day, boys!

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Argh! Christ!

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Ian!

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Christoph, are you OK?

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Christoph?

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What the actual fuck?

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It's a fork.

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HE STRAINS

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HE PANTS

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Hnnn! Still got it. Ahh!

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Yeah, still got it.

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'I'm so sorry about your arm.'

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How did you know we were here?

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That is a very good question, Mex.

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That is very pertinent indeed.

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I sent you the e-mails.

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- Hm, did you? - Yes.

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- Did you? - Yes.

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Did you?

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I thought I did.

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But did you?

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Or did you just try and cut me out,

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like you normally do, by sending them to my Hotmail account?

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The one you know I haven't looked at since 2002.

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You don't look at your Hotmail account?

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Well, you know, whatever.

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It's fantastic you found us, buddy.

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How did you find us, by the way?

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It wasn't easy.

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I had to get a cab all the way from Glasgow, didn't I?

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The cab driver was in a foul mood the whole way,

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because A, he's Scottish...

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..and B, he'd only just got back

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from dropping off some ponce in a dinner jacket.

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I'm so sorry about your arm.

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Yeah, you said.

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Taxi!

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Taxi!

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Wait, please, driver.

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Yep.

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DOOR OPENS

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Whoo!

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Fulham Palace Road, please, mate.

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You, er...

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might want to reset that.

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I've only just got in.

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Friend.

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Hey.

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Hey!

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HORN HONKS

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Oh, God.

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HORN BLARES

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HORN BLARES

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HORN STOPS

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Eurgh! Oh, God.

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Fuck!

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ENGINE STARTS

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-MUSIC BLARES

-Ahh!

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# Nothing happens at all

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# The needle returns to the start of the song

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# And we all sing along right before... #

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WHEELS SPIN

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Oh, come on!

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Really? Really?

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# Closed-circuit cameras in department stores

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# Shoot the same movie every day

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# And the stars of these films neither die... #

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Argh!

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Ah, ah, aargh!

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Ahh! Ahh!

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THUD, CAR STALLS

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IGNITION FAILS

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ENGINE SPUTTERS AND DIES

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HE PANTS

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So tell me a bit more about this bloke.

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This gamekeeper.

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-Saying he's got a harpoon?

-And a shotgun.

-And a crossbow.

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And we've got to assume he's got a rifle. The man's a huntsman.

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So he'll have binos, he'll be carrying a blade,

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that's an absolute given.

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He's got a Land Rover.

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He's in a ute.

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And he's got beef.

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Significant beef with you lot.

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He's bound to.

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So the killer is armed, dangerous

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and he's specifically told you

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he's coming back here to take care of you.

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Do you want to fill me in, if it's not too much trouble,

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on the thought process behind

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actually waiting for him to get back here?

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SAT NAV: Continue for 16.4 miles and bear right onto the...

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Yeah, all right, mate.

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Keep it down.

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TWIG SNAPS

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Turn around where possible.

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Turn around where possible.

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Turn around where possible.

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HE YELPS

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Oof!

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SOFT BARK AND GENTLE WHIMPER

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SOFT WHIMPER

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'OK, we plunder this joint for anything useful.'

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I'm talking about waterproof clothing, fresh socks, food, fluids.

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I cannot overemphasise the need to have dry feet

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and hydration in terrain such as this.

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Why are you talking like you're in charge all of a sudden?

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I'm best man here, mate.

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I didn't want to have to be the one to say this, Ledge, but...

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you left me no choice.

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You've led our friends into harm's way.

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No-one's going to think any less of you if you just...

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do the decent thing and step aside.

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It's what everyone's thinking.

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If you've got cage fighting gloves,

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now would be a good time to put 'em on.

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We leave here at sunrise. That's in less than an hour.

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Dick.

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DOG WHIMPERS

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Hands in the air.

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I can't.

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Now.

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I can't.

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DOG WHIMPERS

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Brave girl.

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-Oh...

-Uh-duh-duh-duh!

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First-come, first-served. Go on.

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Hey!

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What's that in there?

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Ordnance Survey.

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1:25,000 scale, it's like the Bible.

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Geography teacher.

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There.

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That's a phone box.

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That's a public ruddy phone box.

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Boys...it's time.

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GAS HISSES

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Come on, boys. Let's do it.

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The secret to covering territory is a steady rhythm.

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Your boot heels should be striking the ground twice a second,

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every second. Win the land.

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Did he just say, "Win the land"?

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I feel so much safer now Christoph's in charge.

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-LEDGE:

-I don't know what the hell this shirt thinks it's made of.

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Bastard's at least 60% evil.

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All right, boys, we're four miles shy of the phone box.

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Not too shabby. Have we got some shrapnel for when we get there?

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999 is free... you Neanderthal.

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What if they don't pick up? Eh?

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What then, best man?

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What if who doesn't pick up?

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It's not one guy sitting there, on his own.

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999 isn't his extension.

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Is that your angry face? Are you angry at me?

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Or angry at yourself because you can't think of a comeback?

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Whoa, guys, stop!

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We stick together, right?

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We get to the phone box together

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and then no-one has to talk to anyone else ever again.

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Animal.

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INDISTINCT CHATTER

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Her wee bottle's in my jacket there.

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She can wee in a bottle?

0:24:210:24:23

Oh.

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Mm-hm.

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Um... Listen...

0:24:340:24:36

I just wanted to say...

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I am so sorry that I thought you were responsible for all this.

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Whoever that's doing it certainly wants it to look that way.

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No, we should have listened to you from the get-go.

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Stayed on the other side of the bloody river.

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Well, if you'd have done that, you'd never have found her.

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What do you think hurt her?

0:25:030:25:05

The Fear Mor.

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HE LAUGHS

0:25:130:25:15

No, I'm only kidding!

0:25:150:25:18

Oh!

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She probably caught herself in one of my snares.

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These woods...

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..they're full of traps.

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Yeah.

0:25:280:25:30

Tell me about it.

0:25:300:25:31

How much further?

0:25:340:25:36

Going to cross that gully, over that scrub and down into those woods...

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All-in, we're looking at about four miles.

0:25:430:25:45

Four miles? You said that about five miles ago.

0:25:450:25:47

What, you got a fucking trundle wheel?

0:25:470:25:49

Why do we have to do all that?

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Why do we have to go through the woods at all?

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Cross that ridge and we'll be about a mile away,

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we can be there in half an hour.

0:25:570:25:59

Would you boys allow me to point out a very simple fucking fact?

0:25:590:26:02

Is that OK?

0:26:020:26:03

If we head up over that ridge, we're betraying our position.

0:26:030:26:06

We're advertising our whereabouts.

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And if that's what you want, if you want a fucking harpoon in the face,

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then by all means, go for your life.

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But if you prefer your faces unharpooned then you stay with me.

0:26:150:26:17

You stick with old Chris.

0:26:190:26:20

I said I'd get you out of here and I will.

0:26:210:26:23

It's a question of trust.

0:26:230:26:25

PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

0:26:250:26:27

PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

0:26:320:26:35

Jamie and Tamara have had their baby.

0:26:460:26:49

8lbs 4oz.

0:26:490:26:51

Not a bad weight.

0:26:510:26:53

You've got a fucking phone?

0:26:530:26:54

Come off it, it had no signal.

0:26:540:26:56

Besides, I can't be the only one. Where are your phones?

0:26:560:26:59

We put them all in a carrier bag...

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and then lost them.

0:27:010:27:03

Well, that was stupid. What did you do that for?

0:27:030:27:05

One bar.

0:27:050:27:06

If that.

0:27:080:27:09

That's because we're standing in an effing ditch.

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I'm sick of walking and my nipples are stinging like shit.

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I'm taking this phone up that hill.

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It's the quickest way home and I suggest you all join me.

0:27:170:27:20

They're not going anywhere, mate.

0:27:210:27:23

Really? Shall we ask them, shall we?

0:27:230:27:25

Mex, buddy, let's do this.

0:27:250:27:28

Ian...mate...

0:27:310:27:34

I know we've had our banter,

0:27:340:27:36

you overheard me saying you look like Sandi Toksvig.

0:27:360:27:39

Uh, I didn't hear you say that.

0:27:390:27:41

Oh.

0:27:410:27:42

Let's just put it behind us.

0:27:440:27:45

Because this makes sense.

0:27:450:27:47

Whatever happens, I'm sticking with Angus, so...

0:27:480:27:51

What, Johnners?

0:27:520:27:54

Johnny boy? John Travolta?

0:27:540:27:56

-Ledge...

-John the Baptist.

0:27:560:27:57

..before you get into all the nicknames...

0:27:570:27:59

Jon Bon Jovi?

0:27:590:28:01

..this group of mates has always stuck together.

0:28:010:28:03

Whatever's happened, you know, wherever we've gone.

0:28:030:28:08

If we lose that, then...

0:28:080:28:09

..we lose everything.

0:28:100:28:12

I love you, buddy, but...

0:28:120:28:15

we're nearly there, you know,

0:28:150:28:17

we've got to stay as a group on this one.

0:28:170:28:19

OK?

0:28:200:28:21

Guys, come on.

0:28:340:28:35

Oh, bugger!

0:28:390:28:40

Can't say I'll be sad to see him go.

0:28:530:28:55

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:29:150:29:17

DOG BARKS

0:29:280:29:30

DOG WHIMPERS

0:29:470:29:49

Good girl, good girl.

0:30:130:30:15

Where'd you learn to do that?

0:30:180:30:21

Great Dane taught me.

0:30:210:30:22

She'd have died.

0:30:250:30:27

I'd have drowned myself in the loch.

0:30:310:30:32

No question.

0:30:340:30:36

Anyway...

0:30:390:30:40

you want to come inside for a wee dram?

0:30:400:30:42

I've got a single malt that's been waiting...

0:30:420:30:45

..25 years for an occasion such as this.

0:30:460:30:49

Um...

0:30:490:30:51

-I should really get going.

-Oh.

0:30:510:30:54

God knows how.

0:30:540:30:55

Och...

0:30:560:30:57

..here.

0:30:590:31:00

Angus...

0:31:080:31:10

Angus, I'm not sure about this.

0:31:100:31:12

Bad things happen when we go into the woods.

0:31:120:31:15

Ian, relax, we're in safe hands.

0:31:150:31:17

I don't think we are in safe hands.

0:31:170:31:19

I think we might be in dangerous hands.

0:31:190:31:21

Ian...what are you saying?

0:31:210:31:24

OK, look...

0:31:260:31:28

whatever was happening yesterday hasn't been happening

0:31:280:31:31

since Christoph showed up.

0:31:310:31:32

Where has he been for the past day? How did he really find us like that?

0:31:320:31:35

Why didn't he check his phone for signal at the hut

0:31:350:31:38

or while we were walking?

0:31:380:31:39

Or ask us about our phones before we found his?

0:31:390:31:41

And why the hell has he got a knife?

0:31:410:31:43

He's got a knife?

0:31:430:31:44

Yeah. In his underpants.

0:31:440:31:46

Look, I know he's your friend and everything, but...

0:31:470:31:50

you've got to admit, he's a bit creepy.

0:31:500:31:53

He's not creepy, he's just...

0:31:530:31:55

..Christoph.

0:31:570:31:58

Christoph?

0:32:040:32:06

Chris... Christoph?

0:32:080:32:09

I'm going back for the others.

0:32:120:32:14

And you're coming with me.

0:32:140:32:16

In case we get hungry.

0:32:180:32:19

Where'd you get that?

0:32:210:32:22

Not from a fucking deli.

0:32:220:32:24

'How did you and Christoph meet, again?'

0:32:280:32:30

Are you old school friends?

0:32:300:32:32

No.

0:32:320:32:33

He came along later.

0:32:340:32:36

Met him on our gap year.

0:32:370:32:38

It was meant to just be the two of us, AJ and the Legend touring Oz.

0:32:380:32:42

Then we met Crocodile Dumb-dee in Bondi

0:32:440:32:46

when we were trying to score some blow.

0:32:460:32:47

Haven't been able to shake the prick since.

0:32:470:32:49

He's like knotweed.

0:32:490:32:51

Been trying to cut him out of stuff for years,

0:32:510:32:53

but he just keeps popping up.

0:32:530:32:55

No idea what Johnners sees in him.

0:32:550:32:57

He even tried to get him into the Guernsey scheme.

0:32:570:33:00

I said, there's no way that sofa-surfing pleb

0:33:000:33:02

has 200K lying around.

0:33:020:33:04

Whoo!

0:33:050:33:06

Anyway...

0:33:070:33:09

for some reason, the guy just does not like me.

0:33:090:33:12

'Well, she's got half a tank of diesel in her.'

0:33:160:33:18

Just keep heading west, you'll hit the road for Pitlochry.

0:33:190:33:22

Come with me.

0:33:240:33:25

No.

0:33:260:33:27

I built that bothy with my father.

0:33:290:33:31

Married Jill here.

0:33:320:33:33

Nursed her through her final few days.

0:33:350:33:38

No, I'm not leaving, not a chance.

0:33:400:33:45

You don't turn your back on the important things.

0:33:460:33:49

What if the killer comes back?

0:33:490:33:51

He'd better hope I'm not in.

0:33:520:33:55

Hey, um...

0:33:570:33:59

We...were meant to have one each, but...

0:34:000:34:05

Well, it's not going to happen, so...

0:34:050:34:07

HE STRIKES MATCH

0:34:300:34:32

BIRDS TAKE OFF, CAWING

0:34:360:34:39

What the hell did that sound mean?

0:34:400:34:42

It means let's keep moving.

0:34:420:34:44

Who's the gamekeeper now?

0:34:440:34:47

HE LAUGHS

0:34:470:34:49

What the hell?

0:35:120:35:14

Mex!

0:35:140:35:16

BARKING

0:35:250:35:29

It's OK.

0:35:390:35:41

It's OK, come here.

0:35:410:35:43

Come on.

0:35:430:35:44

Oh...

0:35:480:35:50

'What did you do?'

0:35:570:35:58

The man had an ashtray in the middle of his kitchen table.

0:36:000:36:03

When you boys told me he was running around killing everyone,

0:36:030:36:06

I left the gas on.

0:36:060:36:07

You know what they say -

0:36:070:36:09

smoking kills!

0:36:090:36:10

-Jesus, Christoph.

-You murdered him.

0:36:110:36:13

He's the murderer, mate.

0:36:130:36:15

I'm just the judge and executioner.

0:36:150:36:17

And you boys, well...

0:36:170:36:19

-you're the jury.

-We weren't unanimous!

0:36:190:36:21

Some of us think...

0:36:210:36:23

..some of us think the killer might still be around.

0:36:260:36:29

The forest ends just there.

0:36:420:36:44

300 yards beyond that line...

0:36:440:36:47

that's the phone box.

0:36:470:36:49

That's your call home.

0:36:490:36:50

You boys could be back at work first thing Monday morning.

0:36:510:36:54

Foreign investors' lunch at Mirabelle.

0:36:550:36:57

-Mm-hm.

-Testing Year 9s on the mountains and rivers.

0:36:570:37:02

All we've got to do now is sit tight and wait for nightfall.

0:37:020:37:05

-What?

-Eh?

0:37:050:37:07

Set up camp.

0:37:070:37:08

Lie low. Refuel.

0:37:080:37:10

Shall we do that...

0:37:100:37:12

..after the phone call?

0:37:130:37:15

The phone box is in open ground.

0:37:150:37:17

It's a sniper's wet dream.

0:37:170:37:19

In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better spot for an ambush.

0:37:190:37:23

If you're saying that the killer might still be at large

0:37:230:37:27

and that you made a dreadful mistake

0:37:270:37:29

by pointing your finger at the poor gamekeeper

0:37:290:37:32

then we've got no choice but to wait for darkness.

0:37:320:37:34

Darkness is our only friend.

0:37:340:37:36

You...

0:37:370:37:39

dig a hole for a fire.

0:37:390:37:40

And you...

0:37:430:37:45

collect wood.

0:37:450:37:46

What will you be doing?

0:37:480:37:49

I'm going to peel me a fox.

0:37:510:37:53

I can't believe we climbed up here.

0:37:550:37:57

It's pretty steep.

0:37:570:37:59

We won't be going down.

0:38:000:38:02

This is the end for me.

0:38:030:38:04

I'm going to die alone.

0:38:060:38:08

We're all in the same boat, Ledge.

0:38:080:38:10

No, we're bloody not.

0:38:100:38:12

Everyone else has a reason to run.

0:38:140:38:16

Johnners has that Fran chick on the go.

0:38:190:38:20

Cosmo's busy ballsing up something

0:38:220:38:24

he actually wants to do with his life.

0:38:240:38:26

Christoph's on permanent half-term.

0:38:270:38:30

As for the others...

0:38:300:38:32

at least they left a legacy.

0:38:320:38:34

I mean, even Wendy...

0:38:340:38:36

OK, so he had zero property to his name,

0:38:360:38:38

but at least he had a family.

0:38:380:38:40

The point is...

0:38:420:38:43

..you and me, mate...

0:38:440:38:46

..we're single...

0:38:490:38:50

..we've wasted our best years in the City.

0:38:520:38:54

Whether we're together or not...

0:38:550:38:58

we're dying solo.

0:38:580:39:00

May I?

0:39:050:39:06

You've achieved stuff.

0:39:160:39:18

Senior risk analyst for Europe at 29?

0:39:180:39:21

You've always had the latest Audi TT.

0:39:220:39:24

And what about that Emma girl, what's happening there?

0:39:240:39:28

She's pregnant.

0:39:280:39:29

Well, that's...

0:39:290:39:31

good...

0:39:310:39:32

isn't it?

0:39:320:39:33

If you love her.

0:39:340:39:36

It's not mine.

0:39:360:39:37

Oh, she did a test?

0:39:390:39:41

She didn't need to.

0:39:410:39:42

She should have a test.

0:39:430:39:45

Put it this way, buddy...

0:39:470:39:48

..I'm not exactly going to be having kids of my own.

0:39:500:39:53

Well, buddy...

0:40:010:40:02

..for a somewhat different reason, I probably won't, either.

0:40:030:40:07

You're...?

0:40:130:40:14

Ledge...

0:40:230:40:24

..I want you to stop calling me the Mexican.

0:40:260:40:29

From now on, I'd like you to address me as...

0:40:300:40:33

..Hitesh.

0:40:350:40:37

You can't just make up your own nickname, mate.

0:40:410:40:44

That's not how it works.

0:40:440:40:45

Do you want me to dig you a grave, too?

0:40:570:40:59

Or shall we just spoon?

0:40:590:41:01

(Look, here's what I don't get.

0:41:010:41:03

(If you were so worried about...

0:41:030:41:05

(then...why didn't you go with Ledge?)

0:41:050:41:08

Because I made a promise.

0:41:100:41:11

To my sister.

0:41:130:41:14

I said that I'd stay with you.

0:41:140:41:17

Take care of you, have your back.

0:41:170:41:18

OK...

0:41:200:41:22

While we're making promises, how about this?

0:41:220:41:24

Next time his guard's down, I'll get his knife,

0:41:240:41:26

you cover me with that...

0:41:260:41:29

Not bad.

0:41:290:41:30

-You'll need some paper, start the fire...

-Yeah.

0:41:300:41:33

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, steady on. That's illegal.

0:41:360:41:39

Burn it.

0:41:390:41:40

That stuff's worth nothing out here.

0:41:400:41:42

This land...

0:41:420:41:44

this situation...

0:41:440:41:45

it's one great leveller.

0:41:450:41:47

It's every fucker for himself.

0:41:470:41:48

Oh, save a note each, to snort through.

0:41:510:41:54

You boys are playing catch-up!

0:41:550:41:57

Might want to get some camo on.

0:42:250:42:27

What did you give him?

0:42:290:42:30

I don't know.

0:42:300:42:31

Guy at Glasgow station just called it a pick 'n' mix.

0:42:320:42:35

He's better off asleep anyway.

0:42:370:42:39

They all are.

0:42:390:42:41

These people are worthless, Ian.

0:42:410:42:44

They call themselves friends,

0:42:440:42:46

take you for a pint at the King's Road,

0:42:460:42:49

promise to cut you in on their deals...

0:42:490:42:52

their investments.

0:42:520:42:53

"Oh, yeah, we'll sort you out, mate, yeah.

0:42:530:42:56

"Chat to Wendy, he'll run the numbers."

0:42:560:42:58

It's the old school network, mate.

0:42:580:43:00

It's who you know.

0:43:000:43:01

Turns out the people I know...

0:43:030:43:05

people I took to be my mates,

0:43:050:43:06

are nothing but disrespectful, disloyal,

0:43:060:43:09

self-serving, materialistic cocks.

0:43:090:43:12

If that's how you feel then...

0:43:120:43:14

why come?

0:43:140:43:16

To end it.

0:43:160:43:17

To bow out in style.

0:43:190:43:20

One last weekend of carnage.

0:43:220:43:25

'Maybe I could move here and raise goats.'

0:43:290:43:32

-Oh, God.

-No, I'm serious.

0:43:320:43:34

Like my grandad did in the mountains of Gujarat.

0:43:340:43:37

-Herding's in the blood.

-Mex!

0:43:370:43:39

What do we do? Wave or hide?

0:43:460:43:48

I mean, that's the gamekeeper, right?

0:43:480:43:51

Look, there's a tree near the bottom.

0:43:550:43:57

We run, we keep running,

0:43:570:44:00

we go either side of that tree,

0:44:000:44:03

we break each other's fall.

0:44:030:44:05

-You understand?

-Yes, mate.

0:44:050:44:06

-And you're up for it?

-No, mate.

0:44:060:44:08

Don't let me stop you.

0:44:080:44:10

No, I can't!

0:44:100:44:12

It doesn't work unless we both do it.

0:44:120:44:15

That's how we get out of this!

0:44:150:44:17

OK?

0:44:170:44:18

Three...

0:44:260:44:28

two...

0:44:280:44:30

one...

0:44:300:44:31

BOTH YELL

0:44:310:44:34

'It's your turn.'

0:44:350:44:37

No. It's...

0:44:390:44:40

I'm fine. Thank you, though.

0:44:400:44:42

It's your turn.

0:44:420:44:43

-I don't mean to sound ungrateful...

-Then take one.

0:44:450:44:47

No.

0:44:470:44:48

-Take one.

-Don't want to.

0:44:480:44:49

It's a stag do.

0:44:490:44:51

Take a pill, then we're going to do some Charlie,

0:44:520:44:56

then we're going to eat that fox.

0:44:560:44:58

There you go, mate. There you are.

0:45:020:45:05

-There you are.

-Ahh!

0:45:080:45:11

There you go. Eh?

0:45:110:45:13

Feels better?

0:45:130:45:15

What will happen now?

0:45:150:45:17

-I don't know. It's a pick 'n' mix!

-HE LAUGHS

0:45:170:45:20

BOTH GROAN

0:45:340:45:37

Hold on.

0:45:420:45:44

HE STRAINS

0:45:440:45:45

Aagh!

0:45:480:45:50

Where are the others?

0:46:000:46:01

LEDGE YELPS

0:46:010:46:03

Cosmo! You selfish shit.

0:46:090:46:11

It's great to see you.

0:46:120:46:14

The rest?

0:46:140:46:15

They went with Christoph.

0:46:150:46:17

Christoph's here?

0:46:170:46:18

He showed up in a taxi.

0:46:180:46:20

HORN BLARES

0:46:200:46:23

It's not cooked.

0:46:260:46:27

Sly bastard's still pink.

0:46:290:46:30

SNORTS

0:46:320:46:33

COUGHS

0:46:350:46:36

Come on, Angus.

0:46:360:46:38

Wakey-wakey!

0:46:380:46:40

You're missing the adventure.

0:46:400:46:42

We're still out in the woods, just killing shit for a laugh!

0:46:420:46:46

GROANS

0:46:460:46:48

I mean, that's what you're into, isn't it? Eh?

0:46:480:46:52

Putting innocent creatures through unnecessary pain?

0:46:520:46:55

"Oh, yeah, Christoph's all right, yeah.

0:46:550:46:57

"No, Christoph's good for a crack, we'll hang out with him for sure.

0:46:570:47:00

"But when he actually comes all the way to London,

0:47:000:47:03

-"we'll just drop him like a sack of shit."

-Urgh!

0:47:030:47:05

Just chill out, Christoph, deep breaths,

0:47:050:47:07

don't let him mess with your melon...

0:47:070:47:09

-IAN YELLS

-Hey! Hey!

0:47:130:47:15

Get off me, you little penguin man!

0:47:150:47:17

Oh, yeah?

0:47:180:47:20

-YELLS

-Come on, then.

0:47:200:47:21

I'll give you one thing...

0:47:330:47:34

At least you didn't try and stab me in the back

0:47:340:47:36

like the rest of those bastards.

0:47:360:47:38

No, Angus! Johnners, stop! Stop! Don't kill him!

0:47:410:47:43

Don't kill him.

0:47:430:47:44

What are we going to do with him?

0:47:460:47:47

You've made a disgusting mistake.

0:47:500:47:52

I've done nothing to either of you.

0:47:550:47:57

I barely even know you.

0:47:570:47:59

And, Johnners, mate, you're making a fool of yourself.

0:47:590:48:02

For Christ's sake, a fool!

0:48:020:48:03

Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.

0:48:050:48:06

I get a bit intense on the pingers, I know that!

0:48:060:48:09

You proved your point.

0:48:090:48:11

Hey, boys...

0:48:120:48:13

Ha-ha, very funny, yeah,

0:48:130:48:15

"It's a stag do, let's bury the Aussie."

0:48:150:48:17

One of us should stay here.

0:48:210:48:23

Keep lookout.

0:48:230:48:24

Good idea.

0:48:240:48:25

I'll go.

0:48:270:48:28

Are you sure?

0:48:290:48:30

I said I'd look after you, didn't I?

0:48:320:48:34

Besides, you know...

0:48:340:48:36

..nothing's happened all day, Christoph's in the ground...

0:48:370:48:41

gamekeeper's out of the picture.

0:48:410:48:44

VEHICLE APPROACHES

0:48:440:48:46

Can't we drive any closer?

0:48:520:48:54

I'm not sure we should.

0:48:540:48:56

We don't even know if it works.

0:48:560:48:57

Might be safer if one of us goes on foot.

0:48:570:49:00

Good idea. Off you go.

0:49:000:49:03

-Why me?

-Are you scared?

0:49:030:49:05

No. I just want to know why I have to be the one to go.

0:49:050:49:08

Well...you're closer.

0:49:080:49:10

PAYPHONE RINGS

0:49:110:49:14

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

0:49:170:49:19

-Now you definitely have to go.

-What? I mean... Look, I don't mind...

0:49:220:49:25

-Great.

-I'm not even the best runner.

0:49:250:49:27

Mex, mate, stop banging on, you're going to miss it. Go on.

0:49:270:49:30

He needs to go back.

0:49:500:49:52

-He's almost there, mate.

-We have to make him go back.

0:49:520:49:55

Look, pylons.

0:49:550:49:57

So?

0:49:570:49:59

They're not there.

0:49:590:50:01

-Not where?

-Here, on the map!

0:50:010:50:03

They should be marked.

0:50:030:50:05

The only thing on here is the phone box. It's as if...

0:50:050:50:08

..as if it's the only place we're supposed to go.

0:50:110:50:14

Cosmo!

0:50:150:50:16

Cosmo, go back!

0:50:160:50:18

Cosmo! Cosmo, go back!

0:50:180:50:20

They're still alive!

0:50:200:50:21

Yeah, but where's Christoph?

0:50:220:50:24

PHONE RINGS

0:50:280:50:30

Hello?

0:50:520:50:53

LINE GOES DEAD

0:50:530:50:55

Why did he put money in?

0:51:170:51:19

999 is free, what part of that don't you people understand?

0:51:190:51:24

RINGING TONE

0:51:270:51:29

IAN: He's doing it.

0:51:310:51:33

He's calling.

0:51:330:51:35

'Good afternoon, Duncan Galloway's office.'

0:51:360:51:38

Hello, Georgie? It's Cosmo.

0:51:380:51:40

'My God, he's been trying to reach you since Thursday.

0:51:400:51:42

'Let me put you through.'

0:51:420:51:44

No! No, no, no. I...

0:51:440:51:45

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

0:51:470:51:49

'Cosmo, you clown, where you been?

0:51:490:51:51

-'I've been e-mailing, I've been calling...'

-Duncan...

0:51:510:51:54

'Listen, ITV2 want to commission a series!'

0:51:540:51:56

Duncan, I don't care.

0:51:560:51:58

-I need you to do something...

-'Don't care? It's insane news!

0:51:580:52:01

'How To Look Good Homeless.

0:52:010:52:02

'Caroline Flack's already on board...'

0:52:020:52:04

-Duncan!

-'..really excited, mate.'

0:52:040:52:06

Just shut up...

0:52:060:52:08

and write this down.

0:52:080:52:10

Simon Aitken, Paul Wendy and Neils Gjundarsson

0:52:100:52:13

-have all been murdered...

-'Is this on Netflix?'

0:52:130:52:16

..but Angus Johnson, Harry Ledgewood-Scott,

0:52:160:52:19

Hitesh Palashranjan and...

0:52:190:52:22

..some guy called Ian are all still very much alive.

0:52:220:52:25

'What the hell was that?

0:52:270:52:28

'This line is terrible, mate.

0:52:280:52:30

'What was the last name, Ian who?

0:52:300:52:32

'Cosmo! Ian who?'

0:52:340:52:37

I didn't catch his surname.

0:52:370:52:39

I think he might be repped by that dwarf agency!

0:52:400:52:42

'Oh, yeah, I know the one.'

0:52:420:52:44

Could you call 999?

0:52:460:52:48

'OK... But where are you?'

0:52:480:52:51

We're in Scotland.

0:52:510:52:52

Not far from some green trees.

0:52:550:52:56

'Cosmo?'

0:52:570:52:59

GUNSHOT

0:52:590:53:01

PHONE LINE BEEPS

0:53:020:53:03

DOG BARKS

0:53:110:53:13

RAPID BEEPING

0:53:130:53:15

GUNSHOT

0:53:230:53:24

Oh, God!

0:53:380:53:40

There!

0:53:400:53:41

Over there!

0:53:410:53:42

OK, slow down, slow down, slow down! Here they come.

0:53:420:53:45

PANICKED SHOUTS

0:53:460:53:48

Run!

0:53:490:53:51

THEY YELL

0:53:530:53:55

Go!

0:54:030:54:05

ENGINE STARTS

0:54:130:54:15

Where's Christoph?

0:54:190:54:20

He's in the trees, shooting at us, where do you think he is?

0:54:200:54:23

Er, no, he-he isn't.

0:54:230:54:25

He might be!

0:54:250:54:27

-He's not.

-Guys...

0:54:270:54:29

where...is...Christoph?

0:54:290:54:32

Hitesh, turn the car around.

0:54:360:54:38

Hitesh, turn it around!

0:54:400:54:42

-Mexico!

-What?

0:54:420:54:43

Ugh!

0:54:440:54:46

-Listen...

-Ow!

0:54:500:54:52

..Cosmo came back for us.

0:54:540:54:55

We owe it to Cosmo to go back for Christoph.

0:54:560:55:00

-Yes?

-Yes.

-Yes.

0:55:000:55:02

-What's that?

-What?

0:55:090:55:11

-Keep going, Mexico, mate.

-Mexico, yeah.

0:55:130:55:15

Put your foot down.

0:55:150:55:17

THEY YELL

0:55:190:55:20

Who the fuck is that?

0:55:360:55:37

I don't know.

0:55:370:55:39

I don't know.

0:55:390:55:40

Not too fast.

0:55:440:55:45

-Not too bloody slow, either.

-We don't want to hit him.

0:55:450:55:48

Hey!

0:55:490:55:51

Hey, over here!

0:55:510:55:52

-Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-THEY YELL

0:55:540:55:57

Whoa, what the fuck?!

0:55:570:55:59

THEY GROAN

0:56:020:56:04

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

0:56:040:56:05

Guys, what are you doing?

0:56:050:56:07

What are you...? Guys, there's no time!

0:56:070:56:09

What are you...?

0:56:090:56:11

Guys, stop! Stop!

0:56:110:56:13

QUAD BIKE APPROACHES

0:56:130:56:16

Johnners, mate.

0:56:160:56:18

You take this as my formal RSVP to your wedding.

0:56:180:56:20

Christoph, don't do this, mate.

0:56:200:56:22

I never actually got the invite.

0:56:220:56:24

Perhaps you sent it to my Hotmail...

0:56:240:56:26

Perhaps you didn't, but either way, I'll not be attending.

0:56:260:56:28

I hope you have a beautiful day.

0:56:280:56:30

Christoph, we're not leaving you, OK?

0:56:300:56:32

-Not again.

-I've seen the world, boys.

0:56:320:56:35

I've done it all, I'm through.

0:56:350:56:38

You've all got your jobs and your mortgages

0:56:380:56:40

and your cars to worry about.

0:56:400:56:41

I'm an expendable.

0:56:410:56:43

I'm a pawn.

0:56:450:56:46

And you're fucking kings.

0:56:460:56:48

It's checkmate for old Chris.

0:56:500:56:52

But you boys can play on.

0:56:520:56:53

I said I'd get you out of here and I will.

0:56:530:56:55

Go.

0:57:010:57:02

Go.

0:57:050:57:06

Go.

0:57:100:57:11

Ian!

0:57:170:57:19

-Ian, what the hell?!

-What are you doing?

0:57:190:57:21

Topping up your camouflage.

0:57:210:57:23

Yeah, I'd rather you didn't, mate. I'm pretty sure that's deer shit.

0:57:230:57:26

-SNIFFS

-Ian, come on!

0:57:260:57:28

Go! Go!

0:57:280:57:29

Hide, mate. Hide. Go.

0:57:290:57:31

ENGINE TURNS OFF

0:57:420:57:44

Well, come on, then.

0:57:470:57:48

Let's do this.

0:57:500:57:51

Oh! Ah, you're dreaming!

0:57:540:57:56

What are you doing here?

0:57:560:57:59

I haven't seen you since...

0:57:590:58:01

When was it, Chiggy's wedding?

0:58:010:58:03

GUN COCKS

0:58:030:58:04

Right.

0:58:040:58:06

ENGINE STARTS

0:58:180:58:20

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

0:58:530:58:55

That's confiscated.

0:59:170:59:18

The stag weekend from hell continues as the ever-diminishing group of friends are joined by a suspicious latecomer, who divides loyalties and leads them deeper into danger.

Trapped in the home of their seeming assassin, the stag party are divided over their next move. But a resourceful gatecrasher arrives and offers to lead them to apparent safety, only to divide them further and cause more secrets and blood to be spilled.