Episode 1 Still Open All Hours

Visit Santa's grotto!

SHE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

-You look a right muffin, you.

-Ssh!

Don't talk to me. I'm a stranger round here.

Are you hiding from her boyfriend again?

I've told her she should go back to him cos when you get to know him

he's really very...big.

Here you are.

Oh, look, there's the Black Widow with that poor fly.

Smile, Mr Newbold.

No, that's not good. Put it away!

Looks as if it's on the wrong face.

It's you she fancies. He's just for practice.

Oh, good day to you, Mrs Bridges.

You said that yesterday and it wasn't.

Oh, is there a man anywhere you can rely on?

You give them your best years, smarten up your underwear,

totter about in crippling heels

and still they leave you empty, broken.

Is that it? Is that life?

Is that all there is?

I've got some nice fresh kidneys.

Ole!

It's getting more like a bullfight with this till.

Did you see that?

This time in the morning you think people can see?

I think it's Arkwright having a laugh.

He's deadly when he's playful. You ask Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Oh, good morning, Gastric.

Morning. Right, I want...

Why's he dressed like a pillock?

It's not me. I'm out.

-Anyway, you owe me 10p from yesterday.

-How come?

Well, actually it's 11p, but I'm giving you favoured customer rates.

It's about time!

Well, don't tell anybody else cos they'll all want it.

I've forgotten it already, along with what I came in for.

I'll have to come back.

Eh? No!

Heck, now look what you've done. You've lost us a customer!

-He said he'll be back.

-Yes, I know, but they lie, don't they?

Right, I want two pound of bacon.

-Two pound of bacon.

-A dozen eggs.

-A dozen eggs.

-A large tin of beans.

-Large tin of be...

You know, Gastric, I'm glad you got your appetite back.

I mean, Gastric and diet were two words that don't really go together.

It's not just for me. I've got Cliff Bridges staying with me.

Elsie's husband. Mrs Bridges.

Oh, yes! I thought he'd left her?

Oh, he's left her three times altogether but now he's come back

just in time for Christmas.

So he's brought himself back, has he?

Well, it saves him buying a Christmas present, I suppose,

doesn't it?

He must pack some romantic punch if he gets away with that.

Oh, not this time. She won't let him in. She's thrown him back out.

I've taken him in temporarily for a while.

I thought I might pick up a few pointers about how to handle Madge.

Oh, Mrs Bridges, eh? Poor lass.

I thought she looked a bit emotional yesterday.

She's always emotional. She cries when anything dies.

Well, there's no harm in that.

Her battery?!

He comes home for Christmas and she won't even let him in.

How Christmassy is that?

Women! Where do they learn this behaviour?

Are they born nasty?

Elsie's not nasty...

compared to some I could mention.

It's hardly Good King Wenceslas.

A poor man comes inside and all she gives him is grief.

Then she shoves him straight back out

into the deep and crisp and even.

He's left her more than once and always for some other woman.

Well, there you go.

It's not as if he didn't have a good reason.

She's taken him back twice.

I don't think mine would show that kind of consideration.

What's he like, this Bridges fella?

Are we talking good looking, athletic?

Unfair competition?

Obviously he has some pull with the ladies.

I don't like him already.

Oh, get a grip, Elsie. Have a good sing. Take your mind off him.

Forget him. Repeat after me - "Cliff who?"

Was he born at the seaside? Why did they call him after a cliff?

His name's Clifford!

It bears no relation to the seaside.

Cliff to me is something you have to be careful not to fall off.

I think Elsie found that.

Did he just appear at your doorway?

With a suitcase and his washing.

Three years of washing?!

No, I think she must have done her bit,

although I don't believe that was the attraction.

-I hope you didn't let him in.

-No, I didn't let him in.

Did it never occur to you to set the dog on him?

-I don't have a dog.

-For the occasion, I'd have borrowed one!

You give them your best.

Ah, now that's where you went wrong, right there.

They thrive better on less.

Think of him as dead or living somewhere similar,

like Lancashire.

And don't you be encouraging her to take him back.

He's all alone and it's Christmas.

Oh, I can see him now out on the street in a blizzard,

trying to keep warm with only a Mars bar.

Why would he have a Mars bar?

Because I would have just given him one.

-You're as daft as Auntie Eileen.

-She found love in the end.

And we all know which end!

Be firm, Elsie, don't weaken.

I know it's Christmas, goodwill to all men,

but you're allowed to be nasty to those closest to you.

I AM being firm, even though his coming back must mean something.

It probably means the other woman's chucked him out!

Came straight home though, didn't he?

-Oh, Elsie!

-Oh, Elsie!

You're only guessing it's me.

I could be a real elf.

You're too tall.

I've been stretched.

I'm an elongated elf.

My favourite kind.

Have you got a name?

Ginger.

May I enquire where the bit might be that's ginger?

I'm looking forward to a little session

with the kid that works here.

Me too!

-Was that him?

-I'm not allowed to say,

on the grounds of "elf" and safety!

Do you often talk to strange elves?

He's got a nice face.

You ought to see it first thing in the morning.

Ready when he is.

# Therefore, Christian men be sure

# Wealth or rank possessing

# Ye who now will bless the poor

# Shall yourselves find blessing. #

SHE SIGHS

OK, well, a smidgeon better than yesterday,

but remember, we've got that choir in Finkle Street to beat,

otherwise they'll be bragging all year!

Go on, take ten.

Were you singing? Cos I couldn't hear you.

I told you, I'm not much for singing.

Well, you didn't tell me you needed a voice transplant.

Get some expression into it.

And try to look happy.

They know we're an item. If you don't look happy it reflects on me.

You expect me to be happy?

Until after the formal engagement and then I'll settle for obedient.

Engaged? You and me?

Well, unless I get a better offer you're in with a chance.

Lots of goodies coming your way.

Where's this collector of ladies' scalps then?

Oh, I couldn't dream. Elsie goes ballistic.

In that case, he can't be all that magnetic.

I don't see him any more Leonardo DiCaprio than I am.

Listen, I were at school with him.

While the rest of us were playing marbles,

he were playing with the entire girls' hockey team!

I bet Elsie and Cliff have really missed each other.

I bet you still believe in Father Christmas.

Not always.

I can't afford to keep him. He eats like a woodchipper.

Lost his wife but not his appetite. How heartbroken is that?

He's not lost her. She's trying to be tough but she's wavering.

His old magic is still working.

It's magic the way he goes through a bacon butty.

The entire girls' hockey team?

They'd have shin pads,

but what protection would that be against him?

If I tried half that stuff on with our lass,

I'd be the one needing shin pads!

If you want to have a look at him I'll bring him in the shop.

HE BURPS

Two o'clock this afternoon.

Right, what have we got here?

"Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles."

You can put them away.

They never sold. Far too hot.

It's like sucking a chilli.

Well, maybe they've cooled down now we've had 'em for a while.

-Plus they turned your tongue green.

-Yeah, well, it wore off, didn't it?

Anyway, we can tell them it was a sign of inner purity.

Right, come on, you try one.

-YOU try one!

-No, no, you try one.

-Oh, no, you...

-TRY ONE.

All right, tell you what, we'll both try one.

We should always be familiar with the products that we are selling,

right, apart from a small selection of ladies' underwear, OK?

There you go.

You better get that in your...

All right, all right, all right.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Yeah, they have. They've cooled down.

Used to bring me out in clammy sweats.

Black Widow does that to me.

Hmm, yeah.

It's when you get to the middle!

You can clear drains with these things, can't you?

Stand there, Mr Newbold. This is girl talk.

You're looking a bit female stressed.

I'm getting older. It can't last forever.

Oh, there's better solutions than being dead.

Not as reliable.

You need a few hours of all-male company. Crack some jokes.

A free flow of bad manners. Spill a few drinks.

-Drop some crumbs down your front.

-Belch a bit.

It's true. It's those little things you miss.

First of all, two o'clock at Arkwright's.

Let's get a look at this Cliff Bridges.

The man with power over women. Pick up a few tips.

Not that we need any help in that direction.

I think that's understood.

HE PANTS

Guaranteed to clear all your passages.

You do know it's bad luck, don't you,

standing out here practising not spending?

-Just browsing.

-Just happened to be coming in your direction.

Here, what time have you got?

Well, does it matter? You're not doing anything with it, are you?

-Are we late?

-For what?

-Well, I don't know.

-Mr Newbold said we had to get a move on.

-I didn't say a word.

-He's so forgetful.

-I forget when I last got the CHANCE to say a word!

Listen to him rattling on. Do be quiet, Mr Newbold.

People are going to think you're a chatterbox.

Hey, we've got quite a crowd building now, haven't we?

You must have all heard about my special offers.

-Just passing.

-I'll take some.

You don't even know what they are!

I like surprises.

What's all this then? Have I missed something?

Not a lot, by the look of that lipstick.

I turned a corner, walked straight into this pair of lips.

Which corner?

-Here comes Gastric's mini.

-HORN BEEPS

Hey up!

What's going on?

THEY GASP

THEY SIGH

Now, listen, you lot,

if you're not going to buy anything there will be a parking fee,

refundable upon your first purchase.

THEY GASP

THEY SIGH

Hey up, it's Black Friday.

-Where is he?

-God's gift to women.

-Cliff Bridges.

-He's adjusting his cap in the rear-view mirror.

He'll be here in a minute.

So THAT'S what this is all about, is it?

You all want to see Mr Magnificent.

THEY GASP

You've got to be kidding!

What?

He reminded me of someone and he was dead!

Maybe he's got a big personality?

He's not big enough to have a big personality.

If I were you I'd ask for your Mars bar back.

Who in their right mind would take him back?

He's hardly fit for recycling.

-Makes your man look good.

-I wouldn't go as far as good.

There's been some wear and tear in there.

No wonder he's ready for home.

Home? I wouldn't have him delivered!

-So you've left Elsie three times?

-Anybody can make a mistake.

What, three times?!

-Same mistake.

-Mmm. You don't look like a lady-killer, Clifford.

-You look more like his grandad.

-I've retired.

All right, from the horse's mouth, what's the secret?

-He keeps asking me that.

-On behalf of a friend.

All right, so he keeps asking. What do you tell him?

I tell him I don't know. Anyway, that's all in the past.

Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles?

Haven't seen these in a while.

I used to swear by these.

Oh, hello, Mavis.

Hello, Granville.

-What are we doing for Christmas?

-We did that last year.

Wasn't it a lovely Christmas?

I shan't enjoy this Christmas if poor Mr Bridges can't get home.

You're such a kind-hearted woman, Mavis,

but Elsie is surrounded by the female Mafia.

They're all telling her to send him packing.

I don't think there's anybody going to be able to get him back.

I bet you could.

If anyone can...

Oh.

-FROM INSIDE BOX:

-Ow! Ah! Ooh!

She'll only throw him out again.

Even now he's gift-wrapped.

Once he's inside the house, he'll be able to work his magic, won't he?

He's not sounding all that magical at the moment.

Stop moaning, will you?

-We're trying to get you back to where you want to be.

-Ow! Ah!

Oh, it's no good.

Open the lid, will you, let's see what he's grizzling about?

Ah!

Oh, 'eck!

When she opens the box, Mr Bridges,

my advice is to grab her while she's too surprised to speak.

Give her your best shot.

Parcel for Bridges.

She should have opened it by now.

He should be out of the box.

Unless he's dragged her in. She's not complaining.

He's done it again, that old hockey magic!

I think you're right, I think he's cracked it!

He's still got it, eh?

I wonder if he keeps his cap on.

She dumped me and kept the box.

She's got them women with her. They threw me out the back.

You blew it!

Where was all this magic?

I just want to go home. I'm all out of magic.

And I'm all out of bacon.

Can I ask you please not to repeat that?

I've been telling everybody it's down to

Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles.

We need a plan B.

This forgotten secret from the Victorian era

has to be handled with care.

I mean, are you ready for this much power over women?

You're going to have to pace yourselves.

We're ready.

I think I can safely speak also for my colleague here.

Providing it's the genuine stuff Cliff Bridges has been using.

To such effect.

And providing it will prove to have a similar effect upon us.

Within reason.

Nobody's talking an entire ladies' hockey team.

Tom Jones has a pack of these at his bedside.

He always sucks two when he sings Delilah.

And if you listen carefully, you can hear the whisper

of ladies' underwear as it sails past.

Today, Tom Jones. Tomorrow, Eric and Cyril.

So how come these are not more widely known?

Oh, because they were banned, you see,

once they found out that they started the First World War.

I thought it was because some archduke got himself shot...

in the Balkans.

Yes, and very painful it was, too.

But you've got to ask yourself, why was he shot?

He was shot because he was doing a bit of archduking on the side,

you know, he was running amok with his Dr Proctor's.

So, if they're banned, where did you get these?

They were from a secret hoard that was buried in the grounds of

the lodge of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes.

Near Macclesfield.

The men still need to give it some...oomph.

It's not something I'd encourage in Mr Newbold.

You've got to let them loose sometime.

But you have to be careful, in case they turn out to be ravening wolves.

I think you're safe enough with Mr Newbold.

Hey, let's get this thing over with and then, er...

we can go and make some magic together.

You've got to pick my mother up.

You'll regret this when I'm irresistible to women.

There'll be a queue.

Maybe if you were at a bus stop.

Right, places, everybody.

Clear your throats.

Get all your coughs and sneezes over with. This is our last rehearsal.

Let's make it a good 'un. Come on, open your books.

-We ought to go see Uncle Gerald.

-Again? Oh, he doesn't recognise us.

Well, he knows when it's mealtimes.

He thought I was German.

Well, you CAN be a bit that way inclined.

Stay there, Mr Newbold. I'll soon be back at your side.

I'm beginning to feel she's at both sides.

Granville, you're a man of experience.

I'd like you to come upstairs to my bedroom

and take a look at a damp patch.

I think you'll need a builder for that, Mrs Featherstone.

Come and look at my damp patch, Granville. We can build on that.

Come along, people. Let's get this show on the road.

SHE SIGHS

Hey, so where's this lad of yours?

Ooh! Well, the last time I saw him, he was, er, dressed as an elf.

Ooh!

Right, take those glasses off!

You can wrap this up for Christmas, and all.

Take your hands off my husband.

Look at me, Norm.

You're not fit to be loose.

And stop grinning!

You've got some grovelling to do!

You look like you might be a baritone.

Well, I'm no soprano.

Hmm. Good. Give it some volume.

Hey, what have you got there?

-It clears all your passages.

-Oh!

Do you want a throat pastille, everyone? It clears your passages.

We need all the help we can get if we're going to beat Finkle Street.

# Good King Wenceslas looked out

# On the feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about... #

THEY COUGH

SINGING AND COUGHING

COUGHING AND WAILING

'I think that's the first time

'I've heard people COUGHING Good King Wenceslas.

'Lucky I sent some of those pastilles round to Finkle Street.

'After all, it IS the season of goodwill.'

HE GRUNTS

I knew you could get Cliff back home if anyone could.

I thought you were singing.

I got hiccups in Denbigh Street.

A-ha! You need a shock.

Will it be a shock if you're expecting one?

Trust me, I'm tricky. Come here.

THEY CHUCKLE, SINGING IN DISTANCE

Oh, listen! Right.

Hang about. Right.

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #