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Episode 2

Sitcom. Granville has bought some devices that promise to jump-start people's positive emotions. Will they work? Meanwhile, Mr. Newbold has an underwear problem.


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Hello. Look at that.

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Ooh, she's got a powerful left hand, that Mrs Willis.

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You have to marvel at the chemistry that could bring those two together.

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Yeah, apparently they met at Butlins.

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He said that she looked like Marilyn Monroe.

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Give over!

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Marilyn Monroe were gorgeous.

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Mrs Willis looks more like Marilyn Manson.

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Yeah, but you're forgetting the power of Butlins.

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Those chalets were like incubators.

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Do you know it was the first time in British social history that

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lovers were free from damp grass?

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Maybe she did look like Marilyn Monroe.

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In the dark.

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-I do love a happy ending.

-Mmm.

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Hi, Leroy.

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Hi, Wendy.

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That's a lot of Wendy to be saying hi to, isn't it?

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That is number 37, Hazelwood drive.

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Divorced.

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Just moved in.

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Well, remember, she may look like that now...

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but inside there's an old Mrs Willis waiting to come out.

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HE BREATHES DEEPLY

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There was somebody wearing perfume in this doorway last night.

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Could be him from Sprotbrough.

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Actually, it was her with me.

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Elaine.

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Ooh, she always smells good enough to make you forget people

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not called Elaine.

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Oh, well, let's see what sort of mood Arkwright's in this morning.

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Oh!

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Who's had a bad night, then?

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Short, as usual.

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Just remember, if you were longer in bed

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your pyjamas wouldn't fit.

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I could be reclining on a hammock, in some warm country,

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with Scarlett Johansson.

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What, on one hammock?

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Well, we're saving up for a mortgage.

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She doesn't want to live over the shop.

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Although I've told her we'll move the boxes of baked beans.

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You don't dream like a grocer, you.

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Some of my best ideas come at night.

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And mine.

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While you're snoring I'm practising advanced grocery.

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You know, plotting and scheming for this business?

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You know what the trouble is?

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We've no room for expansion.

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I'm not surprised, on one hammock.

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Have you never thought about moving to bigger premises?

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TILL BANGS COINS SCATTER

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Now look what you've done.

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You know he's had a bad night!

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He didn't mean it.

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It was just, you know, off the top of his head.

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Bit of mental dandruff.

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You know what they're like, at his age.

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Hmm?

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Lucky be-be-beggar.

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What have you been buying now?

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Well, what have you got?

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"Little Jump-start.

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"Electronic assistance for tired feelings.

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"Turn your thoughts into muscular activity."

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Oh, "Batteries not included."

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Hey, hey - we sell batteries, don't we, eh?

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"Bored with life?

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"You need a Little Jump-start.

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"Scientific way to boost lost feelings."

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Who is going to fall for that?

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Apart from you.

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Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

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I mean, if they don't work we can say they're...

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mognamite detectors.

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Mognamite?

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It's a little-known gas that seeps out of old wardrobes

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and discarded knee bandages.

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Right, what's it say?

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"Just carry in pocket.

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"Do not exceed the recommended."

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The recommended what?

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It doesn't say. Just ends there.

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Oh. All right. Well, never mind.

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Go on - put a battery in and then you can try it.

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Me?

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Well, you'll be all right,

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as long as you don't exceed the recommended.

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Why don't we both try one?

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All right, OK.

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You've bought a turkey again.

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BELL JINGLES

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Oh, hiya. You must be Granville.

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Yes. And you must be Hazelwood Drive.

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That's right - number 37.

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-Wendy.

-Oh.

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You run a good business here.

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And I like your taste in Leroys.

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Well, he's the only one I've got,

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so I'd like him back in good condition.

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Yeah, well, I'll be home later, awaiting his delivery.

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Tell him to add a bottle of vodka, all right?

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Yes, he likes vodka.

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-I know.

-Oh.

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-Bye.

-Bye.

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BELL JINGLES

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Hey...

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I don't know how you can say we don't need more space.

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LEROY SNIFFS

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Wendy!

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Now, listen to me -

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you pack in that vodka.

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She's going to be a good customer.

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Nice woman.

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"Nice" is not the first thing that springs to mind.

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I know what you mean.

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CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

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Hey!

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-What was that?

-Hmm? What was what?

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Come on, you were thinking certain thoughts and your arm shot up.

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Well, so were you!

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You were thinking something

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and your knee nearly went through the ceiling!

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It is a perfectly innocent grocer-client relationship.

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Yeah - just like you and Mavis.

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Oh, rubbish!

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CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

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Hey!

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There you go. You see?

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-Saucy thoughts and...

-HE WHISTLES

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They get electronically assisted.

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Hmm?

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"A little muscular Jump-start."

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Hey...

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It's these things.

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Oh...

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Eh up!

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This might be useful, this.

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It's very odd to find you've got a leg with its own agenda.

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A lot of people think that's always been your problem.

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And who have they heard it from? Eh?

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-You.

-Yes, well,

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I'm just trying to keep you away from elderly women.

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Wendy is 35.

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Yes, well, so was that old Mrs Willis and...

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look what's happened to her.

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And I am not mixed up.

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She merely invited me in for coffee.

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A good-looking woman, yeah, but what's underneath?

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Actually, she's not my type.

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Oh, pull the other one, will you?

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I tell you what - if I were your age, she'd certainly be my type.

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CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

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BELL JINGLES

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Ah, the happy couple.

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Ooh, don't let's jump the gun.

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Mr Newbold is entitled to only very limited pleasure in these

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early stages of our relationship.

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Limited pleasure.

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I can testify to that.

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A lot to look forward to, though. Eh, Mr Newbold?

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Yes, isn't there?

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I've told him he'll have to pace himself.

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I will allow no liberties

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before legalities.

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Except...under special circumstances.

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CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

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Am I disturbing you, Granville?

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No, no, it's just a, just a twitch.

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I always say just a twitch is better than none.

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Aren't we neglecting Mr Newbold?

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Yes, please do...

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carry on.

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I've recently begun to see the benefits of neglect.

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Being on my own, abandoned.

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Pay no attention. He has these little outbursts.

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But I'm reducing his carbohydrates.

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She is. I can feel them shrinking.

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Now, we're here, Granville, because Mr Newbold has a problem.

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I'll say.

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Mr Newbold has excessive gravity in his underwear.

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That sounds serious.

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Well, look at him - struggling with it now.

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Mr Newbold's boxer shorts are forever on their way down.

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Forgivable, surely, in the first flush of excitement of meeting you.

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They're falling down on their own initiative.

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They're not party to any excitement.

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And I don't see why the state of my underwear should go public.

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Nonsense! We have to find a cure.

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Can't have you squirming down the street.

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Look as if you're pole dancing.

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Have you thought of buying new?

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No, he has this absurd sentimental attachment to them.

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It's only the elastic gone a bit.

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Otherwise they're perfectly sound.

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Right, now, listen - if you call back later,

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I may have the solution, fresh from my supplier.

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Fear not, we will stabilise his underwear.

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Well, I hope so,

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cos I don't want people thinking I'm behind his loose underwear.

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I don't want anyone behind me.

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I don't want anyone within miles of me.

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Oh, stop panicking.

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I'm here for you, aren't I?

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-Biscuit?

-Oh, thank you.

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What is it about your husband and your relatives?

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Why is there always this iron curtain?

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Well, I'm not qualified to speak,

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but isn't picking a husband a bit like impulse buying?

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Can you really be surprised if your family thinks,

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"What the heck did she buy that for?"

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I can understand my lot being dubious about Eric.

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I mean, let's face it - I'm dubious about Eric.

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No, you're not. You love him.

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Keep your voice down.

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I try and hide it.

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You do pretty well, normally.

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Oh, thank you.

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I don't get it.

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What have we got for assisting gentleman

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to get a grip on their underwear?

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We have the answer to a widespread problem in this area.

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And there it is - look!

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Right there, look - that's him.

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He's doing the dance.

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The underwear two-step.

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Chasing the bunny.

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The bunny?

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Aye, well, he's losing his undies, eh?

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They're slipping down,

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aren't they?

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Making me feel like I'm losing mine.

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You probably are.

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I know I'm losing mine.

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Oh, no - don't tell me it's the money belt!

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Oh, 'eck!

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Oh... Ooh...

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Is it your brother that's the problem?

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You know, the...

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quiet one?

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That's tactful.

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-You were going to say "miserable", weren't you?

-No...

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It's true, I was.

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I know he's not Mr Smiley,

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but he's had a lot in his life to be miserable about.

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All I ask of Eric is just try and be nice to him.

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Oh, they're not good at nice.

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They do nasty much better.

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I find they're often nicer underneath.

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Underneath an anaesthetic, maybe.

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That's true.

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They're all more bearable unconscious.

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So, does he look after you brother?

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Does he 'eck!

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He says he does, but you should see the look on his face.

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You'd think Lester had a disease!

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I've been to Leicester.

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It looked all right.

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Not the city!

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Cath's brother's called "Lester".

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Oh, I suppose it's better than Wolverhampton.

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It's uncanny, really, isn't it?

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How I knew that braces would be making a comeback?

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Well, I haven't seen any sign of it.

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Nobody I know wears braces.

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Well, of course not.

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You only know girls.

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No, the men have a proud tradition of wearing their undies

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to destruction.

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Always find room for their favourites.

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Better the devil you know...

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The ladies spend their lives trying to snatch them off us.

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You wish!

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I mean, they're forever buying new, aren't they?

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You know, new at Christmas and at birthdays, and where do they end up?

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They end up in their packs in the bottom of a drawer.

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So, here we are -

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forever chasing the bunny.

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The league of butterfingered gentleman,

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whose undies are forever diving to their knees.

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But Arkwright's have the solution!

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I'd a phone call from our Ethel.

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She says, "Walter's passed away."

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I tell her, "Oh...

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"I'm sorry to hear that.

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"But who's Walter?"

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She says, "You know who Walter is."

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And I say, "No.

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"There's not much point in starting now, is there?"

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HE LAUGHS

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What?

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Just waiting for the sign.

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What kind of sign?

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Well, we'll know it when we see it.

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You think we'll see it?

0:14:420:14:44

Oh, yes.

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Yes.

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He's the sort whose undies are in for the long haul.

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What's he talking about?

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There he goes.

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That's it.

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Chasing the bunny.

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CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

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You don't know who you're messing with, kid.

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You sure you've got the right kid?

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I don't want you parking your trolley at number 37.

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I catch it there one more time

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and you're dead.

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Dead?

0:15:310:15:32

Don't you think that's a bit OTT?

0:15:320:15:34

Well, what am I supposed to threaten you with -

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community service?

0:15:360:15:38

Can we just clear up why you need to threaten me at all?

0:15:380:15:40

That's my wife you've been parking your trolley at!

0:15:400:15:43

-She's divorced.

-Don't get technical.

0:15:440:15:46

How do you think it looks?

0:15:460:15:48

She leaves me - Wayne Ferris...

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Now you see where you went wrong?

0:15:510:15:54

You've heard the name, right?

0:15:540:15:55

Wayne Ferris?

0:15:550:15:58

No.

0:15:580:15:59

Wayne Ferris!

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Rising figure in the criminal underworld!

0:16:010:16:03

Maybe you've, erm...

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Maybe you've heard my, erm, street name.

0:16:100:16:12

(The Undertaker.)

0:16:130:16:14

-Sorry.

-Oh!

0:16:170:16:18

I'm on Facebook. Give me your e-mail, I'll send you some literature.

0:16:180:16:21

If this is about Wendy...

0:16:210:16:22

Bingo! Finally, yes!

0:16:220:16:24

This is about Wendy -

0:16:240:16:26

the Wendy YOU are on notice to stay away from.

0:16:260:16:30

I deliver her groceries.

0:16:300:16:32

My people will deliver her groceries.

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As of now,

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she's with Tesco's.

0:16:360:16:38

"My people"!

0:16:380:16:40

If you've got people, where are your minders?

0:16:400:16:42

-I've got two of the best.

-Oh.

0:16:420:16:44

You know, it's just that they're...you know...

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It's their day off.

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On the same day?

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They're very fond of each other!

0:16:500:16:52

Yeah? What am I supposed to do, yeah?

0:16:520:16:54

Ruin their leisure time together?

0:16:540:16:56

Wayne, I think you're telling porkies.

0:16:560:16:58

I mean, you don't look dangerous.

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I think you're a sweetheart.

0:16:590:17:01

I could kill you.

0:17:010:17:02

I could kill you...

0:17:020:17:04

with this finger.

0:17:040:17:05

-LEROY LAUGHS

-You're killing me now, Wayne!

0:17:050:17:08

-You're hilarious!

-No...

0:17:080:17:10

No, you couldn't be more wrong.

0:17:100:17:11

You stay away

0:17:110:17:13

from that gorgeous little creature. All right?

0:17:130:17:15

That is the first thing you've said that makes any sense.

0:17:150:17:19

She is gorgeous.

0:17:190:17:21

-CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

-Oh... Oh, right!

0:17:210:17:23

Oh, right! Right, that's how you want it, is it?

0:17:230:17:26

-Sorry!

-You crossed a line, pal.

0:17:260:17:28

You crossed a line!

0:17:280:17:30

Wayne, she gives me coffee.

0:17:300:17:31

I was talking to you civilly,

0:17:310:17:33

and you start throwing punches at me.

0:17:330:17:35

-Wayne, it was just a twitch.

-You, you wait...

0:17:350:17:38

you wait till my minders get back from their...

0:17:380:17:41

cookery classes.

0:17:410:17:42

Aargh!

0:17:460:17:47

Thank you. Right.

0:17:490:17:51

There we are, Mrs Hussein - your change.

0:17:510:17:53

Thank you very much.

0:17:530:17:54

I suppose you've heard about Hazelwood Drive?

0:17:540:17:57

-Number 37?

-That's the one.

0:17:570:17:59

No. What have you heard?

0:17:590:18:01

As it happens - although, you know, I am not one for gossip...

0:18:010:18:05

Yeah, somebody was telling me that.

0:18:050:18:07

I think it were you.

0:18:070:18:09

Well...

0:18:090:18:10

she's divorced but he wants her back.

0:18:100:18:12

She's spoiled rotten.

0:18:120:18:14

It's his father's money - bought her the house, furnished it through.

0:18:140:18:17

She's changed the curtains twice!

0:18:170:18:19

Oh!

0:18:190:18:20

She takes pills for an overactive thyroid.

0:18:200:18:22

Where do you get all this stuff?

0:18:240:18:26

She fancies your Leroy.

0:18:260:18:28

She feeds him coffee.

0:18:280:18:30

Leroy doesn't drink coffee.

0:18:300:18:32

He's developing a taste for it.

0:18:320:18:34

Two lumps.

0:18:340:18:35

I suppose she's attractive to certain men.

0:18:370:18:40

Her cleaner says she wears next to nothing round the house.

0:18:400:18:43

Disgusting. CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY

0:18:430:18:45

He's developing a taste for coffee.

0:18:490:18:51

He's using words like "latte".

0:18:530:18:55

How can I compete? Eh?

0:18:580:19:00

I mean, I can't start wearing next to nothing round the house.

0:19:010:19:05

BELL JINGLES

0:19:060:19:08

I'll be back.

0:19:080:19:09

What's this little Jump-start you're offering for tired feelings?

0:19:150:19:19

Come in, Cyril!

0:19:220:19:23

Prepare to be amazed.

0:19:230:19:25

Oh, and here's another seeker of the truth.

0:19:270:19:30

Even a lie, if it improves your prospects.

0:19:300:19:34

There she is.

0:19:340:19:35

Your pathway to a richer personal life.

0:19:350:19:39

Batteries not included.

0:19:390:19:41

So, how much richer is your personal life

0:19:410:19:43

when it's got a battery in it?

0:19:430:19:45

Are we talking really personal "personal life"?

0:19:450:19:49

I mean, the kind your honeymoon lures you into believing

0:19:510:19:54

this could be a regular thing?

0:19:540:19:57

With this little gadget,

0:19:590:20:01

your scoring rate for the occasions of domestic "bliss" will rocket.

0:20:010:20:07

You'd go as far as "rocket"?

0:20:070:20:09

I'd settle for the stairlift.

0:20:090:20:11

This thing takes all the guesswork out of it.

0:20:120:20:16

This little beauty will tell you when the time is right

0:20:160:20:20

to make your move.

0:20:200:20:22

It has better be right -

0:20:220:20:23

or I might HAVE to move.

0:20:230:20:25

How come this thing knows so much?

0:20:260:20:28

A little piece of plastic

0:20:280:20:30

without any hormones or interest in...

0:20:300:20:32

..basic messing around.

0:20:330:20:34

A-ha, you see, that is where the battery comes in, don't it?

0:20:360:20:39

It brings it to life.

0:20:390:20:41

It stirs up the atoms

0:20:410:20:44

and they all go zipping about.

0:20:440:20:46

And they come in contact with the electrons.

0:20:460:20:48

And the electrons then go,

0:20:480:20:50

"Woop-woop-woop-woop, woop-woop-woop-woop."

0:20:500:20:53

HE JOINS IN

0:20:530:20:54

HE ALSO JOINS IN

0:20:540:20:56

DUO START BARKING

0:20:560:20:57

No! Now, stop now!

0:20:570:20:59

Please!

0:20:590:21:01

Let's not get into nanotechnology.

0:21:010:21:04

Do you want to get into nanotechnology?

0:21:060:21:08

Not necessarily, at this moment in time.

0:21:080:21:11

Right, now listen.

0:21:130:21:14

You get her to carry one of these about or, better still,

0:21:140:21:17

you slip it in her pocket.

0:21:170:21:20

How long do the batteries last?

0:21:220:21:25

Don't worry. I can always sell you a spare.

0:21:260:21:29

-Does it come with a guarantee?

-No!

0:21:290:21:31

It doesn't get BBC Two, either.

0:21:310:21:34

Are you in an emotionally dry place or not?

0:21:360:21:40

Parched.

0:21:410:21:43

Then, this is your future here.

0:21:450:21:47

This is where the desert blooms.

0:21:470:21:50

Stand there, Mr Newbold. This is girl talk.

0:21:590:22:02

I'm just taking him to have his squirm removed.

0:22:030:22:05

Sounds like a plan.

0:22:070:22:08

Do you find they have a tendency

0:22:080:22:11

to hang on to their old underwear?

0:22:110:22:13

Oh. You could take their appendix easier.

0:22:130:22:16

The men round here develop such a deep affection

0:22:160:22:19

for their familiar underwear,

0:22:190:22:21

I'm surprised no-one has written an opera about it.

0:22:210:22:23

Why is it, do you think?

0:22:230:22:26

They don't like change.

0:22:270:22:28

Which is fine...

0:22:280:22:30

until your elastic goes.

0:22:300:22:31

Right, hold on, sir, just a moment.

0:22:400:22:42

There we go. There, now, you see?

0:22:430:22:46

You've got free access to his undies.

0:22:460:22:49

Would you care to rephrase that?

0:22:490:22:52

A pair of braces?

0:22:540:22:55

Yes, as recommended by Sigmund Freud.

0:22:550:22:58

It's the shortest way to the well-adjusted male.

0:22:580:23:01

I've sold eight pairs of these today already.

0:23:010:23:03

But I don't wear braces.

0:23:030:23:06

You see, that is your problem.

0:23:060:23:08

Wearing a belt,

0:23:080:23:10

you can't get your hand

0:23:100:23:12

down there, to haul your boxers back up.

0:23:120:23:16

Right?

0:23:160:23:17

But now...

0:23:170:23:19

..you can get both hands down there, see?

0:23:210:23:24

Haul them back up,

0:23:240:23:26

like that.

0:23:260:23:28

OK? Instant access

0:23:300:23:33

to all the help you need.

0:23:330:23:34

Well, don't look at me!

0:23:340:23:36

Do you think we've been had?

0:23:370:23:39

Again?

0:23:390:23:40

Has he done it again?

0:23:420:23:43

You know, he takes advantage of the fact that we're desperate.

0:23:440:23:48

I always wanted to be a good lover.

0:23:480:23:51

Amusing,

0:23:510:23:52

considerate,

0:23:520:23:54

but above all...

0:23:540:23:55

..regular.

0:23:570:23:58

That's what you miss.

0:23:580:24:00

It's the uncertainty that gets to you.

0:24:000:24:03

-BOTH:

-Hey!

0:24:100:24:11

-BOTH:

-It works!

0:24:110:24:13

DULL THUDDING

0:24:270:24:28

Hmm?

0:24:290:24:30

SOFT WHISTLING

0:24:300:24:32

How was the coffee?

0:24:430:24:45

It was just coffee.

0:24:450:24:46

I met him - Wayne, the ex. Hmmp!

0:24:460:24:49

He's a giggle.

0:24:490:24:51

Oh, can I go a bit earlier this evening?

0:24:510:24:54

Where?

0:24:540:24:56

Just out, meet a few friends. Usual.

0:24:560:24:58

You can get done for some kinds of "usual".

0:24:580:25:02

Not more coffee, I hope?

0:25:020:25:04

No. Put your mind at rest.

0:25:040:25:06

And stop being so suspicious.

0:25:060:25:08

All right. You can go.

0:25:080:25:10

I trust you.

0:25:120:25:13

I don't trust him!

0:25:150:25:17

He's going out and I want to see where he's going!

0:25:170:25:20

How are you going to follow him if the shop's still open?

0:25:200:25:23

Oh! Will you close it?

0:25:230:25:25

No!

0:25:250:25:26

No, no, I won't close the shop!

0:25:260:25:28

I'm leaving Gastric in charge.

0:25:280:25:32

Oh... please, God,

0:25:320:25:34

don't let Gastric screw up.

0:25:340:25:37

You see, I'm borrowing Gastric's Mini,

0:25:370:25:40

so I thought that you could come with me.

0:25:400:25:43

Oh, I don't know that I'd be any good at following.

0:25:430:25:46

Oh, it won't be all following, will it?

0:25:460:25:48

I mean, there will be time for us. Hmm-hm.

0:25:480:25:52

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:25:520:25:55

Hey!

0:25:550:25:57

Come on.

0:25:590:26:00

You said this was going to be a little outing for us two.

0:26:020:26:06

It is.

0:26:060:26:07

I haven't forgotten that.

0:26:070:26:10

You needn't think I'd forgotten THAT.

0:26:100:26:13

Oh. ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:26:140:26:16

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:26:160:26:18

Oh!

0:26:180:26:19

Sorry. Sorry about that.

0:26:210:26:23

It just... It's my foot keeps jumping.

0:26:230:26:26

It's nice to get a few minutes together.

0:26:260:26:29

Madge wanted to know what we were going to do with it.

0:26:290:26:33

Oh.

0:26:330:26:34

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Oh! Oh!

0:26:340:26:35

TYRES SCREECH

0:26:350:26:37

Eugh!

0:26:410:26:42

Don't smile at me. It sets me off.

0:26:420:26:44

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:26:440:26:46

Can you move your knee somewhere... ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:26:470:26:50

..out of my eye-line? Ooh! Open a window!

0:26:500:26:53

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:26:530:26:54

That perfume is dangerous!

0:26:540:26:56

Argh! Oh!

0:26:560:26:58

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:27:110:27:12

'Wow, that Mavis is attractive, even the wrong way up.'

0:27:220:27:25

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:27:250:27:26

Oh!

0:27:260:27:27

Next time, I'll drive.

0:27:360:27:38

-Well...

-I hope you're safer indoors.

0:27:380:27:41

I suppose there's only one way to find out.

0:27:420:27:45

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

0:27:450:27:46

Oh, heck! Oh.

0:27:480:27:50

Oh...heck!

0:27:510:27:53

Hello, Mavis.

0:27:580:27:59

Hello, Granville.

0:28:010:28:02

Granville has bought some cheap devices that promise to jump start people's positive emotions, but will they work? Meanwhile, Mr. Newbold has a serious underwear problem which Mrs Featherstone has taken upon herself to solve with Granville's help, and Leroy's latest girlfriend has made Mrs Hussein jealous and caused a local underworld boss to come looking for him.