Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Visit Santa's grotto! | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
-You look a right muffin, you. -Ssh! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Don't talk to me. I'm a stranger round here. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Are you hiding from her boyfriend again? | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
I've told her she should go back to him cos when you get to know him | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
he's really very...big. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
Here you are. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Oh, look, there's the Black Widow with that poor fly. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:13 | |
Smile, Mr Newbold. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
No, that's not good. Put it away! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
Looks as if it's on the wrong face. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
It's you she fancies. He's just for practice. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Oh, good day to you, Mrs Bridges. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
You said that yesterday and it wasn't. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Oh, is there a man anywhere you can rely on? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
You give them your best years, smarten up your underwear, | 0:01:38 | 0:01:43 | |
totter about in crippling heels | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
and still they leave you empty, broken. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:50 | |
Is that it? Is that life? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Is that all there is? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
I've got some nice fresh kidneys. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Ole! | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
It's getting more like a bullfight with this till. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
Did you see that? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
This time in the morning you think people can see? | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
I think it's Arkwright having a laugh. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
He's deadly when he's playful. You ask Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
Oh, good morning, Gastric. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Morning. Right, I want... | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
Why's he dressed like a pillock? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
It's not me. I'm out. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
-Anyway, you owe me 10p from yesterday. -How come? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
Well, actually it's 11p, but I'm giving you favoured customer rates. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
It's about time! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Well, don't tell anybody else cos they'll all want it. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
I've forgotten it already, along with what I came in for. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
I'll have to come back. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Eh? No! | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Heck, now look what you've done. You've lost us a customer! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
-He said he'll be back. -Yes, I know, but they lie, don't they? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Right, I want two pound of bacon. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
-Two pound of bacon. -A dozen eggs. -A dozen eggs. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
-A large tin of beans. -Large tin of be... | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
You know, Gastric, I'm glad you got your appetite back. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
I mean, Gastric and diet were two words that don't really go together. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
It's not just for me. I've got Cliff Bridges staying with me. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Elsie's husband. Mrs Bridges. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
Oh, yes! I thought he'd left her? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Oh, he's left her three times altogether but now he's come back | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
just in time for Christmas. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
So he's brought himself back, has he? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Well, it saves him buying a Christmas present, I suppose, | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
doesn't it? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
He must pack some romantic punch if he gets away with that. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
Oh, not this time. She won't let him in. She's thrown him back out. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
I've taken him in temporarily for a while. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
I thought I might pick up a few pointers about how to handle Madge. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Oh, Mrs Bridges, eh? Poor lass. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
I thought she looked a bit emotional yesterday. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
She's always emotional. She cries when anything dies. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
Well, there's no harm in that. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
Her battery?! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
He comes home for Christmas and she won't even let him in. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
How Christmassy is that? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Women! Where do they learn this behaviour? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
Are they born nasty? | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
Elsie's not nasty... | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
compared to some I could mention. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
It's hardly Good King Wenceslas. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
A poor man comes inside and all she gives him is grief. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
Then she shoves him straight back out | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
into the deep and crisp and even. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
He's left her more than once and always for some other woman. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:29 | |
Well, there you go. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
It's not as if he didn't have a good reason. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
She's taken him back twice. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
I don't think mine would show that kind of consideration. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
What's he like, this Bridges fella? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
Are we talking good looking, athletic? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Unfair competition? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Obviously he has some pull with the ladies. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
I don't like him already. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Oh, get a grip, Elsie. Have a good sing. Take your mind off him. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:04 | |
Forget him. Repeat after me - "Cliff who?" | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
Was he born at the seaside? Why did they call him after a cliff? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
His name's Clifford! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
It bears no relation to the seaside. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Cliff to me is something you have to be careful not to fall off. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
I think Elsie found that. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
Did he just appear at your doorway? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
With a suitcase and his washing. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
Three years of washing?! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
No, I think she must have done her bit, | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
although I don't believe that was the attraction. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
-I hope you didn't let him in. -No, I didn't let him in. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Did it never occur to you to set the dog on him? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
-I don't have a dog. -For the occasion, I'd have borrowed one! | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
You give them your best. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
Ah, now that's where you went wrong, right there. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
They thrive better on less. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
Think of him as dead or living somewhere similar, | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
like Lancashire. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
And don't you be encouraging her to take him back. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
He's all alone and it's Christmas. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Oh, I can see him now out on the street in a blizzard, | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
trying to keep warm with only a Mars bar. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
Why would he have a Mars bar? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
Because I would have just given him one. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
-You're as daft as Auntie Eileen. -She found love in the end. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
And we all know which end! | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Be firm, Elsie, don't weaken. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
I know it's Christmas, goodwill to all men, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
but you're allowed to be nasty to those closest to you. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
I AM being firm, even though his coming back must mean something. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:50 | |
It probably means the other woman's chucked him out! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
Came straight home though, didn't he? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
-Oh, Elsie! -Oh, Elsie! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
You're only guessing it's me. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
I could be a real elf. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
You're too tall. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
I've been stretched. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
I'm an elongated elf. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
My favourite kind. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
Have you got a name? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Ginger. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
May I enquire where the bit might be that's ginger? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
I'm looking forward to a little session | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
with the kid that works here. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
Me too! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
-Was that him? -I'm not allowed to say, | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
on the grounds of "elf" and safety! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Do you often talk to strange elves? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
He's got a nice face. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
You ought to see it first thing in the morning. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
Ready when he is. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
# Therefore, Christian men be sure | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
# Wealth or rank possessing | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
# Ye who now will bless the poor | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
# Shall yourselves find blessing. # | 0:09:09 | 0:09:13 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
OK, well, a smidgeon better than yesterday, | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
but remember, we've got that choir in Finkle Street to beat, | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
otherwise they'll be bragging all year! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
Go on, take ten. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Were you singing? Cos I couldn't hear you. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
I told you, I'm not much for singing. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
Well, you didn't tell me you needed a voice transplant. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Get some expression into it. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
And try to look happy. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
They know we're an item. If you don't look happy it reflects on me. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:47 | |
You expect me to be happy? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Until after the formal engagement and then I'll settle for obedient. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
Engaged? You and me? | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Well, unless I get a better offer you're in with a chance. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Lots of goodies coming your way. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
Where's this collector of ladies' scalps then? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
Oh, I couldn't dream. Elsie goes ballistic. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
In that case, he can't be all that magnetic. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
I don't see him any more Leonardo DiCaprio than I am. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Listen, I were at school with him. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
While the rest of us were playing marbles, | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
he were playing with the entire girls' hockey team! | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
I bet Elsie and Cliff have really missed each other. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
I bet you still believe in Father Christmas. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
Not always. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
I can't afford to keep him. He eats like a woodchipper. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:42 | |
Lost his wife but not his appetite. How heartbroken is that? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:46 | |
He's not lost her. She's trying to be tough but she's wavering. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
His old magic is still working. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
It's magic the way he goes through a bacon butty. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
The entire girls' hockey team? | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
They'd have shin pads, | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
but what protection would that be against him? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
If I tried half that stuff on with our lass, | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
I'd be the one needing shin pads! | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
If you want to have a look at him I'll bring him in the shop. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
HE BURPS | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
Two o'clock this afternoon. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
Right, what have we got here? | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
"Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles." | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
You can put them away. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
They never sold. Far too hot. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
It's like sucking a chilli. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
Well, maybe they've cooled down now we've had 'em for a while. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
-Plus they turned your tongue green. -Yeah, well, it wore off, didn't it? | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
Anyway, we can tell them it was a sign of inner purity. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:51 | |
Right, come on, you try one. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
-YOU try one! -No, no, you try one. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
-Oh, no, you... -TRY ONE. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
All right, tell you what, we'll both try one. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
We should always be familiar with the products that we are selling, | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
right, apart from a small selection of ladies' underwear, OK? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
There you go. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
You better get that in your... | 0:12:16 | 0:12:20 | |
All right, all right, all right. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
-Oh. -Oh. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Yeah, they have. They've cooled down. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
Used to bring me out in clammy sweats. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
Black Widow does that to me. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Hmm, yeah. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
It's when you get to the middle! | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
You can clear drains with these things, can't you? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Stand there, Mr Newbold. This is girl talk. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
You're looking a bit female stressed. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
I'm getting older. It can't last forever. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
Oh, there's better solutions than being dead. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
Not as reliable. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
You need a few hours of all-male company. Crack some jokes. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
A free flow of bad manners. Spill a few drinks. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
-Drop some crumbs down your front. -Belch a bit. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
It's true. It's those little things you miss. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
First of all, two o'clock at Arkwright's. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
Let's get a look at this Cliff Bridges. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
The man with power over women. Pick up a few tips. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:03 | |
Not that we need any help in that direction. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
I think that's understood. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
HE PANTS | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Guaranteed to clear all your passages. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
You do know it's bad luck, don't you, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
standing out here practising not spending? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:38 | |
-Just browsing. -Just happened to be coming in your direction. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
Here, what time have you got? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
Well, does it matter? You're not doing anything with it, are you? | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
-Are we late? -For what? -Well, I don't know. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
-Mr Newbold said we had to get a move on. -I didn't say a word. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-He's so forgetful. -I forget when I last got the CHANCE to say a word! | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
Listen to him rattling on. Do be quiet, Mr Newbold. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
People are going to think you're a chatterbox. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Hey, we've got quite a crowd building now, haven't we? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
You must have all heard about my special offers. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
-Just passing. -I'll take some. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
You don't even know what they are! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
I like surprises. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
What's all this then? Have I missed something? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Not a lot, by the look of that lipstick. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
I turned a corner, walked straight into this pair of lips. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Which corner? | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
-Here comes Gastric's mini. -HORN BEEPS | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
Hey up! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:46 | |
What's going on? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:49 | |
THEY GASP | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
THEY SIGH | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Now, listen, you lot, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
if you're not going to buy anything there will be a parking fee, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
refundable upon your first purchase. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
THEY GASP | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
THEY SIGH | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Hey up, it's Black Friday. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
-Where is he? -God's gift to women. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
-Cliff Bridges. -He's adjusting his cap in the rear-view mirror. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
He'll be here in a minute. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
So THAT'S what this is all about, is it? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
You all want to see Mr Magnificent. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
THEY GASP | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
You've got to be kidding! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
What? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:42 | |
He reminded me of someone and he was dead! | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
Maybe he's got a big personality? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
He's not big enough to have a big personality. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
If I were you I'd ask for your Mars bar back. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Who in their right mind would take him back? | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
He's hardly fit for recycling. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
-Makes your man look good. -I wouldn't go as far as good. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
There's been some wear and tear in there. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
No wonder he's ready for home. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:11 | |
Home? I wouldn't have him delivered! | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
-So you've left Elsie three times? -Anybody can make a mistake. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:20 | |
What, three times?! | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
-Same mistake. -Mmm. You don't look like a lady-killer, Clifford. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
-You look more like his grandad. -I've retired. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:31 | |
All right, from the horse's mouth, what's the secret? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:36 | |
-He keeps asking me that. -On behalf of a friend. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
All right, so he keeps asking. What do you tell him? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
I tell him I don't know. Anyway, that's all in the past. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:47 | |
Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
Haven't seen these in a while. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
I used to swear by these. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Oh, hello, Mavis. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:10 | |
Hello, Granville. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
-What are we doing for Christmas? -We did that last year. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Wasn't it a lovely Christmas? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
I shan't enjoy this Christmas if poor Mr Bridges can't get home. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
You're such a kind-hearted woman, Mavis, | 0:18:24 | 0:18:28 | |
but Elsie is surrounded by the female Mafia. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
They're all telling her to send him packing. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
I don't think there's anybody going to be able to get him back. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:39 | |
I bet you could. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
If anyone can... | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
Oh. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
-FROM INSIDE BOX: -Ow! Ah! Ooh! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
She'll only throw him out again. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
Even now he's gift-wrapped. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
Once he's inside the house, he'll be able to work his magic, won't he? | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
He's not sounding all that magical at the moment. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
Stop moaning, will you? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:04 | |
-We're trying to get you back to where you want to be. -Ow! Ah! | 0:19:04 | 0:19:08 | |
Oh, it's no good. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
Open the lid, will you, let's see what he's grizzling about? | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Ah! | 0:19:15 | 0:19:16 | |
Oh, 'eck! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
When she opens the box, Mr Bridges, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
my advice is to grab her while she's too surprised to speak. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Give her your best shot. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Parcel for Bridges. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:38 | |
She should have opened it by now. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
He should be out of the box. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
Unless he's dragged her in. She's not complaining. | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
He's done it again, that old hockey magic! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
I think you're right, I think he's cracked it! | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
He's still got it, eh? | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
I wonder if he keeps his cap on. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
She dumped me and kept the box. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
She's got them women with her. They threw me out the back. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
You blew it! | 0:20:25 | 0:20:26 | |
Where was all this magic? | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
I just want to go home. I'm all out of magic. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
And I'm all out of bacon. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
Can I ask you please not to repeat that? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
I've been telling everybody it's down to | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
Dr Proctor's Fiery Chest Pastilles. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
We need a plan B. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:46 | |
This forgotten secret from the Victorian era | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
has to be handled with care. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
I mean, are you ready for this much power over women? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
You're going to have to pace yourselves. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
We're ready. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:22 | |
I think I can safely speak also for my colleague here. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
Providing it's the genuine stuff Cliff Bridges has been using. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:32 | |
To such effect. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
And providing it will prove to have a similar effect upon us. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:39 | |
Within reason. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Nobody's talking an entire ladies' hockey team. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Tom Jones has a pack of these at his bedside. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
He always sucks two when he sings Delilah. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
And if you listen carefully, you can hear the whisper | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
of ladies' underwear as it sails past. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
Today, Tom Jones. Tomorrow, Eric and Cyril. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
So how come these are not more widely known? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
Oh, because they were banned, you see, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
once they found out that they started the First World War. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
I thought it was because some archduke got himself shot... | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
in the Balkans. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:29 | |
Yes, and very painful it was, too. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
But you've got to ask yourself, why was he shot? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
He was shot because he was doing a bit of archduking on the side, | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
you know, he was running amok with his Dr Proctor's. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
So, if they're banned, where did you get these? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
They were from a secret hoard that was buried in the grounds of | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
the lodge of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
Near Macclesfield. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
The men still need to give it some...oomph. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
It's not something I'd encourage in Mr Newbold. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
You've got to let them loose sometime. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
But you have to be careful, in case they turn out to be ravening wolves. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
I think you're safe enough with Mr Newbold. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Hey, let's get this thing over with and then, er... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:31 | |
we can go and make some magic together. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
You've got to pick my mother up. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
You'll regret this when I'm irresistible to women. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
There'll be a queue. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
Maybe if you were at a bus stop. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
Right, places, everybody. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
Clear your throats. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
Get all your coughs and sneezes over with. This is our last rehearsal. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:54 | |
Let's make it a good 'un. Come on, open your books. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:59 | |
-We ought to go see Uncle Gerald. -Again? Oh, he doesn't recognise us. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:03 | |
Well, he knows when it's mealtimes. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
He thought I was German. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Well, you CAN be a bit that way inclined. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
Stay there, Mr Newbold. I'll soon be back at your side. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
I'm beginning to feel she's at both sides. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
Granville, you're a man of experience. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
I'd like you to come upstairs to my bedroom | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
and take a look at a damp patch. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
I think you'll need a builder for that, Mrs Featherstone. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
Come and look at my damp patch, Granville. We can build on that. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
Come along, people. Let's get this show on the road. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:53 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Hey, so where's this lad of yours? | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
Ooh! Well, the last time I saw him, he was, er, dressed as an elf. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:03 | |
Ooh! | 0:25:06 | 0:25:07 | |
Right, take those glasses off! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
You can wrap this up for Christmas, and all. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
Take your hands off my husband. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
Look at me, Norm. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
You're not fit to be loose. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
And stop grinning! | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
You've got some grovelling to do! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
You look like you might be a baritone. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
Well, I'm no soprano. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
Hmm. Good. Give it some volume. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:44 | |
Hey, what have you got there? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
-It clears all your passages. -Oh! | 0:25:49 | 0:25:53 | |
Do you want a throat pastille, everyone? It clears your passages. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
We need all the help we can get if we're going to beat Finkle Street. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
# Good King Wenceslas looked out | 0:26:06 | 0:26:10 | |
# On the feast of Stephen | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
# When the snow lay round about... # | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
THEY COUGH | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
SINGING AND COUGHING | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
COUGHING AND WAILING | 0:26:31 | 0:26:36 | |
'I think that's the first time | 0:26:49 | 0:26:50 | |
'I've heard people COUGHING Good King Wenceslas. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
'Lucky I sent some of those pastilles round to Finkle Street. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:05 | |
'After all, it IS the season of goodwill.' | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
I knew you could get Cliff back home if anyone could. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
I thought you were singing. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
I got hiccups in Denbigh Street. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
A-ha! You need a shock. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
Will it be a shock if you're expecting one? | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
Trust me, I'm tricky. Come here. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
THEY CHUCKLE, SINGING IN DISTANCE | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Oh, listen! Right. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Hang about. Right. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 | |
# Sleep in heavenly peace | 0:27:43 | 0:27:49 | |
# Sleep in heavenly peace. # | 0:27:49 | 0:27:54 |