GNVQ This Country


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GNVQ

Mockumentary exploring the lives of young people in modern rural Britain. Kerry and Kurtan explore the possibility of moving away from their village.


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This programme contains strong language

0:00:020:00:04

We did that.

0:00:130:00:14

"Darren Lacey is granny-bashing scum."

0:00:140:00:18

-We should probably scrub that out.

-Yeah.

0:00:180:00:21

Turned out his granny was actually bashing HIM in.

0:00:210:00:25

With a fire poker, weren't it?

0:00:250:00:26

-Yeah, we should change that.

-Yeah.

0:00:280:00:30

"Granny is Darren Lacey-bashing scum."

0:00:310:00:34

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:00:360:00:38

Kerry phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying,

0:00:440:00:47

"Come quick, there's a hedgehog in the garden

0:00:470:00:50

"that looks exactly like Grandad."

0:00:500:00:51

So I got up, I got dressed and I ran over to Kerry's as fast as I could

0:00:510:00:56

and then I just stopped in the middle of the street

0:00:560:00:58

at three in the morning and thought,

0:00:580:01:00

"What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

0:01:000:01:02

I just can't open it.

0:01:040:01:06

I just... I cannot open it.

0:01:060:01:08

Oh, my God. I cannot open it, Vicar.

0:01:090:01:11

-Do you want me to open it?

-No, I'll open it, snatchy!

0:01:110:01:15

Actually, yeah, you open it.

0:01:150:01:16

I'm trying to encourage them to look beyond the confines of the village

0:01:180:01:21

and think about their futures

0:01:210:01:23

and maybe look at the bigger picture

0:01:230:01:26

and have bigger dreams for themselves.

0:01:260:01:29

They said yes.

0:01:310:01:32

You're joking me?

0:01:340:01:35

You're joking me?

0:01:360:01:37

Because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.

0:01:370:01:40

I'm not joking, Kurtan. You've got it.

0:01:400:01:42

Seriously?

0:01:420:01:43

No way!

0:01:430:01:44

Oh, my God!

0:01:440:01:46

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

0:01:460:01:47

Get in!

0:01:470:01:48

Oh, let me get a song up on YouTube.

0:01:480:01:51

You're going to absolutely love this, Vicar.

0:01:540:01:56

Here we go...

0:01:560:01:58

Listen to this. Oh, for fuck's sake, advert.

0:01:580:02:00

This isn't it. This isn't it.

0:02:000:02:02

Here we go, this is it.

0:02:020:02:04

# Always spend my life alone

0:02:070:02:09

# Been searching for the place called home

0:02:110:02:13

# I know that I've been cold as ice...

0:02:140:02:16

Can you feel the warmth, Vicar?

0:02:160:02:18

# Ignored the dreams, too many lies

0:02:180:02:20

# Somewhere deep inside

0:02:210:02:24

# Somewhere deep inside me

0:02:240:02:27

# I found the child I used to be

0:02:270:02:32

# And I know that it's not too late

0:02:320:02:35

# Never too late...

0:02:350:02:37

Vicar, wait for this, Vicar. Honestly.

0:02:370:02:39

# 3am !

0:02:390:02:40

Wait for it. This is brilliant.

0:02:410:02:43

# The painted cow

0:02:450:02:46

Wait for it. This is it.

0:02:480:02:49

Wait for the top.

0:02:490:02:51

-# Hiaaaaa!

-Yeah!

0:02:520:02:54

# I am the junglist soldier... #

0:03:010:03:04

Vicar!

0:03:040:03:05

No, no. Kurtan, no, not the cross.

0:03:100:03:12

Banging.

0:03:120:03:14

Did you see that?

0:03:140:03:16

That was insane, wasn't it?

0:03:170:03:19

Let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.

0:03:190:03:21

Come on.

0:03:210:03:22

-Have you ever done a pill, Vicar?

-No.

0:03:240:03:26

Thanks to the Vicar helping me and that,

0:03:270:03:29

I got a place doing a GNVQ in health and social care at Swindon College

0:03:290:03:33

and I'm going to be moving there in halls and everything.

0:03:330:03:36

So, yeah, I'm basically going to start doing something with my life.

0:03:360:03:39

I think it's wonderful you want to help people, Kurtan.

0:03:390:03:41

It's amazing I got in, isn't it, Vics?

0:03:410:03:43

How many people do you reckon applied but didn't get in?

0:03:430:03:45

-I imagine there were a few.

-I reckon...loads.

0:03:450:03:48

But I got in, didn't I?

0:03:480:03:50

Yes, I think it's great.

0:03:500:03:51

But let's finish filling out these forms, shall we?

0:03:510:03:54

What do you reckon Kerry will say?

0:03:540:03:56

I'm sure she'll be over the moon for you.

0:03:560:03:59

Where do I see myself in five years?

0:04:020:04:05

Well, me and Kurtan will have a flat in the middle of the village

0:04:050:04:10

and all of our furniture will be inflatable

0:04:100:04:12

and we'll have a Sky box

0:04:120:04:14

and it will pay for itself,

0:04:140:04:16

because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails,

0:04:160:04:18

because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.

0:04:180:04:21

Ker.

0:04:210:04:23

Oh, you're not going to believe this.

0:04:230:04:25

Me and Levi have created this gang called the Dump Gang

0:04:250:04:28

and we're going to build a den at the dump out of old car parts.

0:04:280:04:32

And we've found this washing machine that we're going to use as a safe,

0:04:320:04:35

so if you want anything putting in there, you've got to tell me now.

0:04:350:04:37

-Right.

-What were you talking to the vicar about?

0:04:370:04:40

-Nothing.

-Well, why wouldn't you let me in earlier?

0:04:410:04:43

-Because we were talking about man stuff.

-I can talk man stuff.

0:04:430:04:45

Yeah, but not that sort of man stuff. You wouldn't understand.

0:04:450:04:48

I think I would understand, thanks. What's the massive secret?

0:04:480:04:51

The vicar's got a problem with his ball bag, all right,

0:04:520:04:55

so stop going on about it, yeah?

0:04:550:04:57

What sort of problem?

0:04:570:04:58

One of them's turned hard, like a stone.

0:04:590:05:02

Now, can you stop with the questions, please?

0:05:040:05:06

Oh, hello, Kerry.

0:05:060:05:08

Has he told you yet?

0:05:090:05:10

Yeah.

0:05:100:05:11

And what do you think?

0:05:110:05:13

I don't really know what you want me to say, to be honest.

0:05:160:05:19

Well, I'll give you two some more time to let it sink in, shall I?

0:05:190:05:22

Why is he so proud about it?

0:05:270:05:29

I don't know. Now, come on.

0:05:290:05:31

I wouldn't be shouting that.

0:05:320:05:34

Yeah, I am going to tell Kerry, and soon,

0:05:350:05:37

because apparently word's getting around,

0:05:370:05:40

but I've just got to try and find the right moment.

0:05:400:05:42

You know, I want to do it in my own time.

0:05:420:05:44

I think it will be tough for Kerry.

0:05:440:05:45

A lot of her peers have moved on already, so...

0:05:470:05:50

she's been hanging out with a lot of year sevens.

0:05:500:05:53

But of course, when they get to year 11, they move on, too,

0:05:530:05:57

so Kerry's just found another batch of year sevens to hang out with

0:05:570:06:02

until they move on.

0:06:020:06:04

That's the door. We did that.

0:06:060:06:08

There's Pork Chop. He's on security.

0:06:080:06:10

And Ball Of Laughs. Pick that up. Let me show you.

0:06:100:06:12

Yeah, so we're going to have that on the door,

0:06:120:06:14

so you use that as a door-knocker. I love that.

0:06:140:06:16

And come through in here.

0:06:160:06:18

Oooh...

0:06:180:06:19

It's all right, Pork Chop, he's with me. Just... OK?

0:06:190:06:22

And... Oh, close your eyes.

0:06:220:06:24

Show him our best find, Levi.

0:06:240:06:26

OK, one, two, three and open!

0:06:280:06:29

What are you going to do with them?

0:06:320:06:34

Smash them on the road, probably, I would have thought.

0:06:340:06:37

-And...

-Oh, because you're fastest in the gang, you get to wear this.

0:06:370:06:41

-No, not...

-Sit still. Just once.

0:06:430:06:45

Not on my curtains now.

0:06:450:06:46

-All right?

-What are you doing here?

0:06:460:06:48

Levi!

0:06:500:06:52

No, we had a meeting about it.

0:06:520:06:53

We're still considering his application, Levi.

0:06:530:06:56

And you didn't use the door, which is really annoying.

0:06:560:06:58

That counts against you, as well.

0:06:580:07:00

The thing is about Slugs is,

0:07:000:07:02

he'll turn up when you don't want him to

0:07:020:07:05

and then you can barely understand a word he says, anyway.

0:07:050:07:08

Oh... My phone keeps doing that in my pocket.

0:07:090:07:13

To who?

0:07:200:07:21

What?

0:07:210:07:22

You can be a bit annoying sometimes.

0:07:220:07:24

Oh...! I never slag you off.

0:07:240:07:26

Is this about the Calippo, still?

0:07:300:07:32

Because you offered to buy me that.

0:07:320:07:34

Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually let me pay for it.

0:07:340:07:36

And...I offered you a Mini Milk, yeah, not a Calippo.

0:07:360:07:39

You know I don't like Mini Milks.

0:07:390:07:41

Yeah, but a Mini Milk is 50p

0:07:410:07:43

and Calippo was £1.20, just so you know.

0:07:430:07:45

You absolute arsehole.

0:07:450:07:47

I just knew at the time that you were being funny about that.

0:07:470:07:50

What?

0:07:560:07:57

-What's wrong with you?

-Are you actually?

0:08:000:08:02

Yeah.

0:08:020:08:03

Well...

0:08:050:08:07

when are you going?

0:08:070:08:08

-Pretty soon.

-Why?

0:08:100:08:12

Don't know, I just want to do something.

0:08:130:08:16

Well, sadly, it is very difficult

0:08:240:08:27

for young people to find work in the village.

0:08:270:08:29

Erm...

0:08:290:08:30

And I think that particularly in Kerry and Kurtan's case, er...

0:08:300:08:34

they could have really benefited from the routine and structure

0:08:340:08:38

that would have brought to their lives.

0:08:380:08:40

If he wants to go, good luck to him, I say.

0:08:460:08:49

I reckon he thinks that I can't live without him, which is a laugh,

0:08:490:08:52

because he went a whole weekend away once to Brean Sands

0:08:520:08:57

and I got on all right.

0:08:570:08:58

I just ended up following this cat around the village.

0:08:580:09:01

DRILL WHIRS

0:09:010:09:03

Levi, that needs to go way higher, mate.

0:09:030:09:05

Higher, higher...

0:09:050:09:06

That's it.

0:09:070:09:08

No, I'm happy for him.

0:09:110:09:12

I'm not upset.

0:09:120:09:14

Kerry seemed to take it pretty well, if I'm honest.

0:09:190:09:22

Not what I was expecting after last time, though.

0:09:220:09:25

I went away, yeah, for just one weekend to Brean Sands

0:09:250:09:28

and she was ringing me the entire time, texting me, texting my nan,

0:09:280:09:33

phoning the caravan park reception.

0:09:330:09:35

Honestly, it was an utter nightmare.

0:09:350:09:37

And I said to myself, "I can't go away again."

0:09:380:09:41

I am excited, yeah.

0:09:410:09:43

Meeting new people, getting out of this shithole.

0:09:430:09:45

I've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day,

0:09:450:09:47

instead of worrying about other people.

0:09:470:09:49

I want the smashed bathroom tiles cleaned up,

0:09:530:09:55

because they are all over the road

0:09:550:09:57

and the Portaloo's got to go back to the building site

0:09:570:09:59

where you found it, please. And now. Because I mean now.

0:09:590:10:02

-You got anything to say to me first?

-HE SIGHS HEAVILY

0:10:050:10:07

I don't know what you're talking about, Kerry.

0:10:070:10:10

-How about sorry?

-Sorry for what?

0:10:100:10:12

Sorry for the massive knife

0:10:120:10:13

that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.

0:10:130:10:16

Well, what do you mean?

0:10:160:10:17

Cos you stabbed me in the back.

0:10:180:10:20

Backstabber.

0:10:200:10:21

Oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back,

0:10:210:10:24

feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.

0:10:240:10:26

I don't understand.

0:10:260:10:27

Why are you forcing Kurtan to move away when he doesn't want to?

0:10:270:10:31

I didn't force him. He came to me and I helped him.

0:10:340:10:37

You should be happy that he's happy, Kerry.

0:10:370:10:40

I'm not happy that he's happy.

0:10:400:10:42

I'm only happy when I'm happy.

0:10:420:10:44

And right now, I'm not happy with the fact he's happy.

0:10:440:10:46

Look, I think you just need to have a chat with him

0:10:460:10:48

-and understand where he's coming from.

-Where he's coming from?

0:10:480:10:51

What, studying health and social care?

0:10:510:10:53

I don't even understand what that means.

0:10:530:10:54

He wants to help people, Kerry.

0:10:540:10:56

-He wants to feel worthwhile.

-Help who?

0:10:560:10:57

-Help who?

-Like old people.

0:10:570:10:59

Old people are stupid old fucks who I hate.

0:10:590:11:02

Do you know, if two old people go out for a meal,

0:11:020:11:05

they'll leave just as much mess as a baby in a high chair.

0:11:050:11:07

That's a very offensive thing to say, Kerry.

0:11:090:11:11

Please leave and come back when you're being less vile.

0:11:110:11:14

Me being vile? I'm not the one who was going on about

0:11:140:11:17

my rock-hard ball bag, mate,

0:11:170:11:19

so you might as well just spread it around for everyone.

0:11:190:11:21

I've no idea what you're talking about.

0:11:210:11:23

-You never do, do you?

-Come and see me when you've calmed down.

0:11:230:11:25

A wolf in shepherd's clothing.

0:11:270:11:30

BIRDS TWITTER

0:11:350:11:38

I had a call from the vicar this morning

0:11:390:11:42

and apparently Kerry is not happy with me going away after all.

0:11:420:11:45

Brean Sands all over again...

0:11:460:11:48

I should have known it.

0:11:490:11:51

All right?

0:11:510:11:52

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier

0:11:580:11:59

about going away and that, it's just...

0:11:590:12:01

Can I just ask you an honest question?

0:12:010:12:04

Why would you want to leave the village

0:12:040:12:05

when we've got a pub and a shop?

0:12:050:12:07

If I'm honest, yeah, it's just...

0:12:070:12:10

Like, I'm just bored living round here now, I think,

0:12:100:12:13

and I do think I've just outgrown this village now.

0:12:130:12:16

Oh, what, so you've outgrown the parish church, have you?

0:12:160:12:19

Well, yeah. I have.

0:12:190:12:20

Yeah, but what about the duck race, though?

0:12:200:12:23

Well, I'll just come back for the duck race.

0:12:230:12:25

-You can't just come back for the duck race.

-Why?

0:12:250:12:28

Because you can't just dip in and out.

0:12:280:12:30

You either dip in or you dip out.

0:12:300:12:32

You can't dip in and out.

0:12:320:12:33

It doesn't work that way.

0:12:330:12:35

Ker, aren't you just bored?

0:12:390:12:41

No. I'm not, mate. I'm not bored.

0:12:430:12:45

Like...

0:12:470:12:48

..we spent all of last week, yeah, trying to get a pound coin

0:12:490:12:52

out of a well with a magnet on a piece of string.

0:12:520:12:55

-So?

-That's all we did!

0:12:550:12:57

Well, you know that's rubbish, because we did bury the dead carp,

0:12:570:13:00

as well, so...

0:13:000:13:01

Look, can I just talk to you, like, alone

0:13:010:13:04

for, like, two minutes, please?

0:13:040:13:06

Just so I can talk, like... I just want to...

0:13:070:13:09

-Yeah?

-Oh, fine, whatever.

0:13:100:13:12

-Please?

-Yeah.

0:13:120:13:13

Two minutes, though.

0:13:130:13:15

Everyone we grew up with, yeah, all our mates have moved on.

0:13:160:13:19

Like Darren Lacey and Kirk, they share a flat in Stroud now.

0:13:190:13:22

Do you remember that Christmas when they came back, yeah,

0:13:260:13:29

and they drove us to McDonald's

0:13:290:13:31

and we had to sit and watch them eat their McDonald's

0:13:310:13:33

because we couldn't afford any?

0:13:330:13:35

And all they could bang on about was how good it was working at Halfords.

0:13:350:13:38

So?

0:13:380:13:40

Like, I was embarrassed, mate.

0:13:400:13:42

I honestly went home that night and just bawled my eyes out

0:13:440:13:47

because I know that they've moved on and I haven't

0:13:470:13:50

and I'm stuck in this life, going nowhere.

0:13:500:13:54

Like, when I bump into people I know in the street, yeah,

0:13:570:14:00

my heart sinks, because I know what they're going to ask me.

0:14:000:14:03

"Oh, all right, Kurtan, what are you up to now?"

0:14:030:14:06

Well, I haven't got nothing to say, because I ain't up to anything.

0:14:060:14:10

And I ain't been up to anything since I left school.

0:14:100:14:12

Do you know what I think?

0:14:120:14:14

I think you don't know how lucky we have it

0:14:140:14:16

to be doing nothing with our lives, like.

0:14:160:14:18

We're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?

0:14:180:14:21

No...

0:14:210:14:23

That's... You don't get it, do you?

0:14:230:14:25

No, what I don't get is you going behind my back,

0:14:250:14:27

wanting to leave me here on my own. That's what I don't get.

0:14:270:14:30

Why can't you just be happy for me?

0:14:320:14:34

Do you know what you're like? You're selfish.

0:14:340:14:36

-Me selfish?

-So selfish.

0:14:360:14:38

-I'll tell you what you're like, then.

-Yeah, go on.

0:14:380:14:40

-Actually, no, I won't, because it'll upset you.

-No, go on.

0:14:400:14:42

You started now, so you might as well.

0:14:420:14:45

You're like Tony from Hollyoaks.

0:14:460:14:48

Everyone else has moved on,

0:14:480:14:50

but you're staying where you are, yeah, year in, year out,

0:14:500:14:52

doing the same old shit, hanging on to the same old shitty memories.

0:14:520:14:56

Do you know what?

0:15:000:15:01

Good luck with it all, yeah?

0:15:010:15:03

SHE SNIFFLES

0:15:210:15:23

-VICAR:

-Yes, they have had a bit of a falling out, which is unfortunate.

0:15:300:15:33

But when you've been as close

0:15:330:15:35

as Kerry and Kurtan have been for so long, that's understandable.

0:15:350:15:38

And, erm, I think it's my job to...

0:15:400:15:43

try and help them see each other's point of view.

0:15:430:15:45

But ultimately, I'm confident they're mature enough

0:15:450:15:48

to put this behind them.

0:15:480:15:50

-Can I play?

-No!

0:15:510:15:52

Well, right, I'm going to tell the vicar, then,

0:15:520:15:55

-if you don't let me play!

-OK, bye!

0:15:550:15:57

SHE SNIFFLES

0:15:570:15:59

OK, right, you're both going to have your say, so let's begin.

0:16:020:16:07

Kerry, would you like to speak first?

0:16:080:16:10

What would you like to say?

0:16:100:16:11

Firstly, Grand Theft Auto Five.

0:16:110:16:14

We bought that together, so who's going to keep that, then?

0:16:140:16:16

Well, she can have it during the week and I'll have it at weekends.

0:16:170:16:20

-Does that work for everyone?

-No, not for me.

0:16:200:16:23

Because I'm not happy with my half of Grand Theft Auto

0:16:230:16:26

being passed around some crappy halls like some pig on market day,

0:16:260:16:30

getting scuffed or lost or stolen.

0:16:300:16:33

-I'm not happy with that.

-Just have it, then.

0:16:330:16:35

No, I can't have it. Because it's not rightfully mine.

0:16:350:16:38

I believe that maybe we'll have to do some sort of a changeover,

0:16:380:16:42

through either you or a contact centre.

0:16:420:16:44

Fuck, fine.

0:16:440:16:46

-OK, then.

-There's another thing, as well, I just want to say.

0:16:460:16:50

I've got a Pog that I gave to him ages ago.

0:16:500:16:53

I didn't actually give it, I lent it to him,

0:16:530:16:55

that I actually need back now.

0:16:550:16:57

-What Pog?

-It's shiny.

0:16:570:16:59

I lent it to you ages ago and I really want it returned.

0:16:590:17:02

Oh, my God...!

0:17:020:17:04

This is baffling.

0:17:040:17:05

Are you not baffled by this? That was probably at school.

0:17:050:17:08

I've moved house, yeah, three times since then.

0:17:080:17:10

I want you two to be on good terms for when Kurtan leaves.

0:17:100:17:13

Did you see that sort of behaviour that I'm having to put up with?

0:17:130:17:16

I'm just asking for my Pog to be returned before he fucks off

0:17:160:17:20

and leaves me all my own with a Grand Theft Auto to look after.

0:17:200:17:22

-I am being very calm.

-OK, Kerry.

0:17:220:17:25

Kurtan, will you be able to look for Kerry's Pog?

0:17:250:17:28

I can look, but I won't find it.

0:17:280:17:30

That sort of attitude I've had to put up with for 20-odd years.

0:17:300:17:33

-I'm not surprised.

-Yeah, and I've had to put up with

0:17:330:17:36

that nagging old bellshaft for 20-odd years.

0:17:360:17:38

-Come on, what did I just say?

-That's another thing.

0:17:380:17:40

I want ownership of the words - bellshaft, wankcoin and arsepirate.

0:17:400:17:43

Because I made them up.

0:17:430:17:44

I don't want them being bandied around a college

0:17:440:17:47

with him taking ownership of them, because that's not right.

0:17:470:17:49

Fine, then. I want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.

0:17:490:17:52

-OK, right, that's enough.

-Fine!

-Fine.

0:17:520:17:54

I do want that in writing, though, by the way.

0:17:560:17:58

I actually...cannot wait to leave this shithole.

0:17:590:18:03

Yeah, and I actually cannot wait for you to leave this shithole.

0:18:030:18:06

I had this come through the post.

0:18:230:18:25

And I've got a few concerns about it.

0:18:250:18:28

Firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant.

0:18:280:18:31

Not the sort of guy I was expecting, if I'm honest.

0:18:310:18:34

Well, the big day is approaching

0:18:350:18:37

and I can tell Kurtan is a little anxious.

0:18:370:18:39

This morning, we had a few effs and jeffs flying around,

0:18:390:18:42

but that's totally understandable, as he's on edge.

0:18:420:18:44

I ain't joking now, Vicar.

0:18:440:18:46

This is starting to stress me out a little bit.

0:18:460:18:48

Look, Kurtan, I'm sure the pattern on the carpets in the classrooms

0:18:480:18:51

-aren't going to be a problem.

-How many times do I have to tell you?

0:18:510:18:54

Swirls on carpets freak me the fuck out.

0:18:540:18:56

What if I have an epileptic fit?

0:18:560:18:57

I'm feeling light-headed just thinking about it.

0:18:570:19:00

Kurtan, I know you're feeling a bit anxious, it's a big step,

0:19:000:19:03

but it's normal to feel this way.

0:19:030:19:05

And another thing. I've been looking at the menu in the cafeteria, yeah,

0:19:050:19:08

and I wonder if you could be so kind in telling me

0:19:080:19:10

what the fuck is pesto?

0:19:100:19:11

So, as I say, he's a bit on edge,

0:19:140:19:16

but we've had a good chat

0:19:160:19:18

and I think he's, erm...really looking forward to it again now.

0:19:180:19:22

I don't want to be saying this again.

0:19:230:19:25

If you want to get into Dump Gang headquarters, use the door.

0:19:250:19:29

That's what it's for.

0:19:290:19:30

'Yeah, I haven't seen Kurtan in a while.'

0:19:300:19:33

But I'm doing all right.

0:19:330:19:34

I've got the Dump Gang and we're tight as fuck.

0:19:340:19:37

You know, it's so simple.

0:19:370:19:39

All you have to do is go, "Knock-knock. Who's there? Slugs.

0:19:390:19:42

"What's the password?

0:19:420:19:44

"Dump Gang. Can I come in?

0:19:440:19:46

"Yes, you can come in, because you did it correctly."

0:19:460:19:48

You know?

0:19:490:19:50

-You all right, Kerry?

-No, I'm not all right!

0:19:520:19:54

Just, people just need to start, you know,

0:19:540:19:56

treating this place with some respect.

0:19:560:19:58

Who gave Molehill the hoover bag hat? He's banned!

0:19:580:20:01

He went to the toilet in the office.

0:20:010:20:03

Just give me that, now.

0:20:050:20:07

Everyone, Pork Chop, get everyone out, please.

0:20:070:20:09

Use the door!

0:20:110:20:12

Use the door!

0:20:120:20:14

Just...

0:20:150:20:16

Thank you, Pork Chop.

0:20:180:20:20

So...the coach leaves in half an hour.

0:20:430:20:46

Yes. I'm not dumb, Vicar.

0:20:470:20:50

Why are you trying to stress me out?

0:20:500:20:51

You know I'm already stressed out as it is.

0:20:510:20:54

It's all right, Kurtan, come on. Everything is going to be fine.

0:20:540:20:57

KURTAN SIGHS

0:20:570:20:58

CAR STARTS

0:21:070:21:09

It's a shame Kurtan's gone because, just this minute,

0:21:170:21:20

I've come up with a business idea...

0:21:200:21:21

..that he would have absolutely lapped up like a thirsty mule.

0:21:220:21:26

It's basically this idea for a taxi company called Aardvark Taxis,

0:21:270:21:32

because aardvark's got two As in it,

0:21:320:21:34

so it's the first in the phonebook.

0:21:340:21:36

So when you open up the phonebook, it's the first one you see.

0:21:360:21:39

And on the open day, I'm going to dress up like an aardvark

0:21:410:21:44

and hand out balloons with a taxi number to little kiddies.

0:21:440:21:48

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:21:490:21:51

What's the password?

0:21:510:21:52

I found that Pog of yours.

0:21:540:21:56

Do you still want it?

0:21:590:22:01

Can you just post it through the letterbox, please?

0:22:020:22:05

Is that position still going for fastest in the gang?

0:22:150:22:19

No, Molehill's got it now by default.

0:22:190:22:21

Well...

0:22:230:22:25

I've decided to take a gap year out now, so...

0:22:250:22:28

if you need someone to hold the title for a year, I could do it.

0:22:280:22:32

What, so you ain't going now?

0:22:320:22:34

Well, I'm still going, but I'm going to take a gap year out first,

0:22:340:22:38

just to prepare for it and that.

0:22:380:22:40

Can I come in?

0:22:410:22:43

-What's the password?

-What is the password?

0:22:440:22:46

-Dump Gang.

-Dump Gang.

-Come in.

0:22:460:22:48

How's the vicar?

0:23:020:23:03

Just disappointed.

0:23:050:23:06

How's his ball bag?

0:23:080:23:09

Oh, er...

0:23:100:23:12

It just turned black and dropped off, I think.

0:23:130:23:15

I really liked the way you used the door.

0:23:180:23:21

I really like how...

0:23:240:23:26

-..you respect my curtains.

-Yeah, because they're fucking sweet.

0:23:270:23:30

Urgh!

0:23:350:23:36

Oh, careful!

0:23:360:23:38

Sorry.

0:23:380:23:39

-Urgh!

-Ah...!

0:23:390:23:41

Can you help me down?

0:23:410:23:42

Here comes the fat king!

0:23:430:23:45

Here is the king!

0:23:470:23:48

The fat...

0:23:480:23:49

Argh!

0:23:490:23:50

-Ow!

-Oh...!

0:23:500:23:52

Look at that.

0:23:520:23:53

We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

0:23:550:23:58

This is our country!

0:23:580:24:00

This country is ours!

0:24:000:24:02

Kerry and Kurtan explore the possibility of moving away from their village. Kurtan receives the exciting news that he could go to college to study for a GNVQ - news that Kerry is devastated by.