Peeping Tom This Country

This programme contains strong language

FLAT FANFARE PLAYS

Got that from Bitza.

Shut up, please!

Can you just stop stressing out?

You've been stressed all morning.

He's getting so stressed out cos this family's moved in

across the way and he's just perving at the daughter all morning.

-I'm not perving! I'm not perving!

-You are. He is.

I'm evaluating the situation, yeah,

before I make my move, so shut up.

There she is now.

Oh, wow.

Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?

And it's fate her moving across the street.

Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.

God, he scrubs up well, don't he?

What's he doing?

Oh, he's snaking me, he's getting there before I am!

Look, he's got his wallet on his chain out,

and that's your thing as well.

That's my... That's what I do, innit?

He's pulling my pants down right now.

I got to get down there. Right.

-Ker, got any Lynx?

-Yeah, in the bathroom.

Bathroom.

LONG, FLAT NOTE PLAYS

Two quid, that was.

And...she threw in that as well.

Love that.

'The problem with finding a girlfriend in the village is that

'most of the girls you meet round here are old-age pensioners.'

Hey.

Hey. Kurtan.

Kayleigh.

So...do you have a boyfriend?

Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate.

Let the girl move in first.

Do you want to go out on a date?

Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go on a date cos she's just moved in

and especially not with you.

She might. Would you like to go out on a date?

Yeah.

What about me? Do you want to go on a date with me?

-Yeah?

-OK.

OK? Great.

-Where would you like this?

-It's all right, I'll take it in for you.

I picked it up first, so I'll take it in.

All right, well, we'll just take it in together, then.

'Yeah, I am looking for a relationship, but thing is'

I've just got so many trust issues, yeah,

with being fucked over massive in the past,

so no matter how much I get close to someone now

I'm thinking in the back of my head,

"Shit, am I going to get fucked over?"

Because I've been fucked over in the past massively.

My last relationship proper fucked me up.

I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right, on the way down the Hampton Court,

only for my best mate Jack Russell to snake me.

I thought I was your best mate?

No, my best mate in woodwork class.

So, I got car sick on the way back...

Yeah, I was in your woodwork class.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I got car sick on the way back so I had to sit at the front with

Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got with Jack Russell on the back seat.

Yeah, even though he bought her a magnet from the gift shop.

-No, it wasn't a magnet.

-It was a magnet.

-No, it wasn't a magnet.

-It was.

-It wasn't a magnet.

It was a bookmark with all the queens on it.

PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

Thing is, that should be annoying me right now, but...

look how much pleasure she's getting from that.

I went through a really dark phase, didn't I, Ker?

Listening to Papa Roach and just blowing everything up

-with them little French bangers.

-He did, yeah.

What?

What?

Who?

The vicar?

The vicar?

Kerry's dad?

Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!

Do you know what? This is utter slander.

Stop saying that about my dad!

DOOR SLAMS

The shit has hit the fan.

He is a peeper, though, to be fair.

Kurtan, I heard that!

'I don't like the man. I know he's my uncle, but I don't like him.'

And I don't like what he does to Ker.

Like, he don't give a rat's arse about her because she's a girl.

And all he's ever wanted is to bore a son

so he can teach him how to concrete.

And Kerry's like a dog.

No matter how hard you kick her, yeah,

she will still come back wagging.

Harsh.

Just saying.

You're all right, though, ain't you?

Yeah.

So I've just been to my dad's, but he wasn't there

because his girlfriend, Sandra, kicked him out.

And he's living in a caravan at the moment.

I'm just going to be there for him, no matter what.

Just like he's been there for me.

Even though that has been hard for him to be there for me, to be fair,

because he has darts on a Wednesday and skittles on a Thursday.

And the weekends are a write-off because he likes his me-time.

I needed the toilet, right.

-I was desperate cos I'd had four points down the Keeper's.

-Yeah.

So I went in the bushes by the ladies tennis club

and some meddling old tart only goes and calls the police,

and said I'm peeping on her.

And I was aroused.

I weren't aroused, just well-endowed.

-Yeah.

-You can't shoot a man for being well-endowed, Ker.

-No.

-Now they're pressing charges.

Sandra's kicked me out.

The darts team don't want to know.

I went in the pub yesterday, all turned their back on me, even Alan.

-Even Alan?

-My life's in bloody tatters, Ker.

Absolute tatters.

I'm in this bloody caravan without a pot to piss in.

It's just malicious lies, that's all it is.

They're jealous of what God give me downstairs.

-Yeah.

-And now I've got nothing left.

-You've got me, Dad.

-Nothing left.

I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it.

I didn't like it one slice.

-No.

-And I vowed to myself to never peep again.

Yeah.

Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.

Just to make sure I didn't like it.

That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither.

-No.

-I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker.

Don't you think I've got better things to do?

It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out.

No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know

you get a call from the police who say

they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you

and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover.

I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up.

It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad.

THUD!

SHOUTING OUTSIDE Oi!

Ah, leave it, Ker.

Leave it.

It's only Alan.

Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.

So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh

just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour,

because he'll be setting the bar very, very low.

And by the time I get there I'll be like a knight in shining armour

and she'll be like the damsel in distress

and she'll just come running into my arms.

And if I have to, I will punch him,

just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe...

..but that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey

or any other flightless bird.

That's sweet, innit?

That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute.

Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass.

'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,

'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods

'and we will have to take it slow,

'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.'

I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart,

but if she ain't willing to take me as I am

rather than the monster I've become, then she can literally just jog on

back to sea with all the other fish cos I don't care.

God, you still haven't made your mind up?

Jeez. It's just a date, mate.

That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen.

'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'

And I'm like the Beast, cos the Beast has got massive trust issues

with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah?

And Slugs is like Gaston...

'No, he's worse than Gaston,

'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick

'that follows him around everywhere.

'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact

'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.'

Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind. Like, most blokes

would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it.

'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,

'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it'

cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Is that what you're getting?

I didn't say anything.

'What do you look for in a boyfriend?

'Like, clean...'

Got their own car.

Cos I had a boyfriend once, but...

..like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere.

I mean, I love the way she looks, but I actually love her personality

just as much because she'll light up a room.

'If there was a group of people, you would just see her from a mile off

'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy'

and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730

departing Los Angeles International.

This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking.

Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving

at Frankfurt at approximately 1600 hours local time.

I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry,

who has some information on the weather.

Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking.

The weather on our route is good

and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive.

'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,'

but, to be fair to Martin...

..he tries.

I don't need to work, Ker.

My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's.

-Right.

-When you get two nudges on the cherries, hit the cancel,

take the Mega Trail.

Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner.

Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all.

Jackpot.

I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.

And there's nothing he can do about it.

'My dad's a legend in this village.'

Once I was walking up Purley Crescent

and these like smackheads from Swindon

were about to start on me, to mug me.

And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?"

And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"

And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."

And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way."

And I go, "Yeah, I know."

PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

What do you think of that?

Use the diaphragm.

I mean, my lungs are so strong I could blow up a hot water bottle.

Cor!

And watch again.

PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE

Something you won't know, Ker, is the last Thursday of every month

I used to play pool with Fred West.

-What?

-I know he's done some iffy things,

but as a builder he was top-notch,

best in the West Country.

-Really?

-We'd say, "West, best in the West."

And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"

He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed.

And there's only one other bloke that can do that...

and that's my old man.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport

and we should be arriving 15 minutes ahead of schedule.

Now I'd like to pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry

for an update on the weather.

Hello, this is Kerry speaking.

The weather in Frankfurt is 21 degrees Celsius.

We wish you a pleasant stay in Frankfurt

and we hope to see you all again soon

and on behalf of all of our crew,

thank you for choosing Martin Mucklowe Airlines

as your airline today.

Right, off to bed, you.

We've got a return flight from Frankfurt to Los Angeles

in approximately five hours and 42 minutes.

Roger that. I love you, Dad.

Yeah.

'The key to dating, yeah, is the two Rs and the three Ts.

'Respect, rapport, and talking, talking, talking.'

Don't ever let that ball hit the ground.

'Good relationships are built on great conversation.'

-Plastering...

-Right, time's up, fuck off.

On a date, you've got to tell them all the interesting stuff about you,

because that's what they'll be interested in.

BIRDSONG

KAYLEIGH SNIFFS

I don't smoke, I vape.

I said, I don't smoke, I vape.

I went to this vaping exhibition, with my cousin, Kerry.

At the NEC and there was about 10,000 of us just vaping.

Yeah, I was on the bus the other day, yeah, and...

..I was sitting at the back of the bus

and the bus driver suddenly stopped the bus, yeah, and goes...

and he walked all the way down, and goes to me,

"You can't smoke on here."

Guess what I was doing.

-Vaping.

-Vaping, yeah.

-Yeah, that's him.

-ENGINE STARTS

That's good, good girl, yeah, that's him.

All right, then.

That's it, back her up, back her up, easy with her.

That's it, she's biting.

She's biting, go on. That's it, she's biting.

Keep going, easy on the clutch, though.

Easy on the clutch. Get that right, yeah, the timing, Ker.

DOG BARKS

What sort of dog do you reckon that is?

He said to me, he goes, "You can't smoke on here."

I said, "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."

The look on his face when I said that.

I don't think he knew what vaping... what a vape is.

I think it's a Labrador.

That's better. That's it, that's good.

Go on, my son, yeah, that's better.

Yeah, well done.

Well done, my son.

Oh...

..that's for you as well.

Look how cute that is.

Yeah, open it up.

Read that.

"You would make me the happiest mouse

"if you say yes and become my spouse."

'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh for one day,'

but things move fast in the village. If you don't snap up your girl fast,

some other fella might come sniffing round it.

If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.

Not in a harsh way, but just to mark my territory

and warn off other fellas.

Right, let me show you how to blind someone in a fight.

-Ker!

-Oi, I told you I don't want to see you,

I'm spending time with my dad.

Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry.

And this is my uncle Martin.

Much obliged.

Is it all right if Kayleigh has a piss in your caravan?

Yeah, but use the toilet, though.

Go on, then.

-Oi, how's it going?

-I think I bloody love her, Ker.

-Really?

-She's so bubbly.

Got her eating out of the palm of my hand as well.

She loves the fact I vape.

-But you don't vape.

-I know, but she don't know that.

That's it. Where's she off?

Kayleigh?

Kayleigh!

-What the fuck?

-Well, I didn't do nothing.

Oh, my God.

You peeped on her, didn't you?

-No, I never.

-Kurts...

-You're a dirty peeper.

Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.

-Don't say stuff like that.

-He's a dirty peeping bastard.

-Shut your mouth.

-That's what you are. Everyone knows it, even Alan.

-I was doing so well, Ker.

-Leave it, all right?

-Bye-bye, little boy.

-Now he's pissed on it, you peeper.

-Oh, please, Kurt.

Wait till Alan finds out about this.

Kayleigh! Kayleigh!

You dirty peeping bastard!

Kayleigh!

So what did happen, then?

I was over where you are making a squash.

And before I know it she bolts out the door like a feral pig.

So you did nothing at all, Dad?

Nothing, Ker. You do believe me, don't you?

Look, I wasn't going to tell you this

but I'll bloody well have to now.

I'm flying to Australia this weekend and I want you to come with me.

What, as co-pilot?

No, as captain, dipstick.

You're joking!

Right, let's get the map out and plan the route.

-Start here.

-Heathrow?

-Yeah, that's right.

And then we'll stop over at Singapore.

-Right.

-Stretch our legs.

And then we'll carry on to Brisbane if the weather holds.

How does that sound?

It sounds like the best day of my life, to be honest, Dad.

PHONE RINGS

Yep.

Speaking.

Right.

OK. Yeah.

Right, OK. Thanks very much.

Bye now.

They've only gone and bloody dropped the charges, Ker.

You're joking me!

Bloody Sandra'll be sorry for kicking me out.

-Turning her back on me.

-Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.

I never turn my back on you, do I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?

Hey, are you going to get the beers in, then, or what?

Yeah, I was just saying, though, just us two now, yeah, Dad?

Shop'll be shut in half hour.

Yeah, sorry, Dad.

COINS CLINK Yeah.

Right, see you in a minute, then.

'I am raging now.

'I'm proper raging, mate.'

Kayleigh!

I've been looking everywhere for you.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Did he touch you?

-Who?

-Kerry's dad.

-No.

He peeped on you, didn't he?

-No.

-If he exposed himself to you, yeah,

I promise you I'll kill him with my own hands, yeah.

-He didn't.

-Well, he must have done something for you to run away,

because that just doesn't happen.

All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,

next time you take a chick out on a date, don't bore her to tears.

As if.

Kayleigh, did I bore you to tears?

Oh, my God.

You ran away cos I was boring you?

Is this a joke?

Look, let me take you out tomorrow, yeah, and we can just like...

-I can't.

-Why?

I got a boyfriend.

Who?

Slugs?

Seriously?

Oh, my God.

I told my nan about you and everything.

She was so excited about meeting you.

Fuck...

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've got five fingers

The third one's for you.

And you.

Fucking hell.

Did you see that there? I am glad I'm out of that now.

Utter poison, the pair of them.

Fucking hell.

Dodged a bullet there, I think.

Thing is now, though, I feel bad for calling Martin a dirty peeper.

Do you know what? He might not even be a peeper after all.

But if he is, he's probably just a part-time peeper.

I just don't know why you'd say it.

I know, I said I'm sorry, though, Ker.

Yeah, but it's not me you need to apologise to, it's my dad.

-Yeah, I will.

-So why did she run away, anyway?

Well...I didn't want to say, but apparently you gave her the creeps.

-What? Why?

-Your face creeped her out.

So as much as I've got to apologise to you and your dad,

you've actually got to apologise to me.

All right, well, sorry, Kurts.

-Forgiven.

-Dad, Kurtan's got something to say to you.

What are you doing?

-Just packing.

-What, for our flight to Australia?

-Yeah.

-It's a simulator, Dad, you don't need to pack a bag.

Hang on. What's this?

"Gone back to Sandra, cheers, all the best."

-You're going back Sandra's?

-Yeah.

But aren't we going to do our flight to Australia?

-No.

-But I thought it was just me and you now, Dad.

Ah, I got to go.

-You ain't going anywhere, mate.

-Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.

You can't do this to Ker.

You'd be letting her down again.

-Again.

-I don't need this.

-Fuck off.

-Don't fight.

-Don't touch me, mate.

-I'm going to lay you out.

-Come on, then! Come on.

-No, stop it.

Right. I'll knock you out.

Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on, then, Charlie large potatoes.

I don't land the first punch, I play Gypsy rules.

Yeah, well, so do I.

You're going to fight, are you?

-Still kick you, though.

-Pathetic.

Cock.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730

departing London Heathrow.

This is your captain Kerry Mucklowe speaking.

Our flight time is 24 hours and should arrive in Brisbane

at approximately 1100 hours local time.

This is a solo flight.

Don't let Sandra know,

but on the last Thursday of every month I shag Alan's wife senseless.

He says, "Martin, I can't get it up no more,

"you're hung like an oxen..."

-Yeah.

-"..so give her a good stuffing to stop her nagging."

And that's exactly what I does.

I gives her the full works.

Alan occasionally comes in to get a pair of socks but personally I think

he just comes in to see how I does it.

And afterwards we all go down the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.