King of the Nerds This Country

This programme contains some strong language

'I tell you what, Kerry,

'there are some days I wish you'd never been born, and... '

Basically, Kerry's mum

got a massive electricity bill

and she reckons it's cos of Kerry's PlayStation.

So she's threatening to give it away to the Ethiopians.

Oh, fuck off!

What are they going to do with a PlayStation? Eat it?!

Yeah, well, why don't you get a job as a Meatloaf tribute act?

Oh!

That's who she looks like!

Fuck.

That's your PlayStation she just smashed.

I saw that can of Tango you dumped on the corner...

-Oh, shut up.

-Shut up, then.

-Go home, mate.

-..disgusting.

'Yes, sadly, there aren't a lot of job opportunities

'for young people in the village.'

Kerry and Kurtan, neither of them have worked since leaving

school, which means they've got a lot of time on their hands.

Which is definitely not a good thing.

Change your fucking trousers, mate. They stink.

That's charming.

THEY SNIGGER

So, basically, there's a talk in the village hall today, with this

really strong businesswoman called Shaz.

And she's going to teach me how to make an absolute shitload.

It was wanted by a poltergeist.

I'm going to be just so rich.

I'm going to build a helipad on top of my mum's house and land on it

in a little copter.

And then I'm going to say to my mum,

"Oh, hi, Mum. How are you doing?"

And she'll be like, "Oh, Kerry, I'm so sad.

"I...I'm so sad what I did to you.

"It was so disgusting and I'm such a vile pig."

And I'll be like, "I'm so sorry, but I can't have this conversation,

"cos I've got to go on Dragons' Den,

"cos we're filming it in five minutes."

Will I be there?

Yeah.

What we going to do on it?

No, we're the, we're the judges.

We'll be sat on a seat, like, with Deborah Meaden and that.

My life did not get off to the best of starts.

I was a single mother with no qualifications,

no job and struggling to make ends meet.

And then, one day, I caught myself looking at

a reflection of myself and I said,

"What is up with you, Shaz?

-"You used to be so bubbly..."

-Oh... Kerr?

-Yeah?

-She keeps guffing.

-Who?

Her - farty pants.

-Shh!

-..I had a sachet of that stuff and I never looked back.

So I said, hang about, let me get this straight - if I become

an Eternal Vitality sales rep, I can earn £15,000 a month?

-I can work from home, I can be my own boss...

-This is just quite boring isn't it, Kerry?

-..and the start-up pack's only £200...

-Kerr?

-What?

-Boring, isn't it?

-No, it's not.

All of your dreams, guys, can come true.

Just as long as you've got that £200 start-up fee, OK?

Yes?

What if you don't have the 200 quid, though, Miss?

Miss!

Yeah, that's a very, very good question.

What's your name, darling?

-Kerry.

-Hi, Kerry.

What if I was to say to you, darling,

"You're dying, Kerry, and the tablets you need

"to stop you from dying are going to cost you £200."

What would you do then? Hmm?

You'd beg. You'd steal. You'd borrow.

You'd find that money. Next question, please. Yes?

I did a similar thing selling Tupperware, and it turned out

to be a pyramid scheme.

OK, no, no, no, no, no. Bless you.

This is not a pyramid scheme, OK?

This is a multi-level management scheme -

two very different things, as you can see here, in the slide.

-Multilevel management...

-You just got owned.

..all coming together to form one legal scheme.

Is that clearer for you?

Er, so Kerry's just asking Shaz ways of how we can raise up

the money for the start-up pack.

Very rude man!

Very rude!

What?

How was I being rude then?

-I wasn't being rude, was I?

-Right, come on.

You would not believe what June just did to me then, what just happened.

She just came up to me, jabbing her finger in my face, going,

"Very rude man", like that.

So, right, Shaz has given us loads of ideas of what we

-need to do, so we really need to start cracking on with it now.

-All I've ever been is nice to her!

Daft cow.

Shaz told me, to raise the start-up fee money, we should just

flog all our old shit, which is exactly what we're doing.

I reckon we'll make that 200 quid in about half hour.

Oh, Warhammer.

Go on, rummage through.

I wondered...how much...?

Standard-bearer. Er...

Yeah?

Don't know, really. I suppose the Snotlings will all come together.

As you can probably tell, I went through a serious Snotling phase.

And there's a few chaos bugs in there as well.

-So I've got my orcs here, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Wastelands are there.

-Yeah.

And we're heading straight for them.

No. See, you can't use orcs to seize the wastelands.

It's practically suicide.

Oh, my God, can you lot just shut up?

Honestly, it's embarrassing.

Kurtan is a fucking nerd.

About three years ago, he started his own Emmerdale blog

where he picks apart all the production gaffes.

And he's got a chart on the wall,

which he ticks off every time he sees a reflection of a boom.

And I honestly am ashamed to know him, sometimes.

Do you know what? It's been an absolute, utter pleasure meeting you two gents today.

Well, because Deputy Dickhead over here didn't want to sell his Star Wars...

-Warhammer.

-..the yard sale was an utter disaster.

But Shaz said money trees don't grow on trees.

You've got to buy the money tree.

And if you can't afford to buy a money tree,

you just borrow off someone else's money tree.

-So you've got a money tree loan out.

-Yeah.

But I'm going to be making 15 grand a month, basic,

so I'll be laughing.

Yes, the interest rate on that loan is very high,

but my overheads are low, see?

Because I'm working out of my mum's shed,

and I have zero staff costs, because I'm not going to be paying Kurtan.

But don't tell him that.

Oh...

Can't wait to try this one, Kerr -

apple and wheatgrass.

Look at how good this looks, Kerr.

-This'll be so good for me, innit?

-Yeah.

-This sweet nectar.

How is it? KURTAN GAGS

You all right?

Yeah.

Just, I could really taste the grass.

-I feel better already.

-Do you? Really?

-Yeah, it's weird.

-Do you really?

-Yeah.

-In what way?

-Does my skin look any different?

-It's...

-Glowing?

-Yeah, it's glowing a bit more, yeah.

-Is it glowing?

I... That's enough now.

That's enough.

Right, have you learned the script?

What script?

Are you joking? You are joking, right?

-Yeah.

-The script I gave you. Right, OK. Well, read it to me now.

Hello.

Hello what?

-Sir.

-You haven't learned it, have you?

-No.

-KERRY SIGHS

My attitude towards business is sell, sell, sell.

If you knock on someone's door, this is what Shaz told me,

don't take no for an answer.

Get into their house.

If they say, "Leave my house", stay.

And if they say, "I'm going to call the police",

you walk upstairs and see if there's anybody else upstairs to sell to.

What do I make of Kerry the businesswoman?

Have you seen the state of her?

What does she think she looks like in that suit, honestly?

She looks like Uncle Fester.

I take one look in the mirror in this suit

and I feel proud.

I used to just dressed in rags.

Now I really feel like I've made it.

Can't see her neck. Where's her neck gone?

Hello, madam. Me and my colleague here, from Eternal Vitality...

-Right. I'm going to piss in their flowers, then.

-No, come on.

What are you two after?

Hello, sir.

Me and my colleague here are from Eternal Vitality Juicing -

a company that offers a wide range of health boosting juices -

and just wondered if we could borrow a few minutes of your time.

Year, I've got a few minutes.

Eternal Vitality juices slowly release vitamins throughout

your body all day, giving you extra energy...

And then me wife died on the Thursday.

(Oh, God.)

And me brother died on the Saturday.

And then, me stepson rang me up, and he said, "Dad,

"I've found a lump."

So that was him gone.

Grandson dead, stepdaughter dead,

and that bastard only got three years and a slap on the wrist.

Oh, OK, well, thank you so much for your time,

-and we're really sorry that...

-And then they rung up from the hospital, and they said,

"Could you get down here now,

"cos they're draining the fluid out your sister's spine?"

"Heart disease", he said.

And I never smoked a single fag in me life.

Kurtan...

And the doctor, he just shrugged at me like this, look.

Aye, like this.

-Yeah.

-He just shrugged.

Sorry, are you going to actually buy something today?

-Eh?

-Are you going to buy something today?

God, no.

OK...

Thank you very much for your time.

That's all right.

Enjoyed it.

-See you.

-Bye.

So, I've let Kurtan take the lead on this one,

because, basically, he's just not engaging enough.

And he needs to build up his confidence, because, honestly,

I'd be better off carrying around a sad sack of shite with me.

How long do you reckon he's been in there for?

Must be like 20 minutes.

I reckon he's selling loads.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, Kurtan?

Do you need any more stock?

-Kurtan?

-Four, five, six...

Oh...

Forgot you was outside.

Utterly unprofessional!

Seriously!

-It's your go, innit?

-Yeah, it's your go.

-Yeah.

My guide to managing a team is pretty simple, really.

Make the underlings...

feel like shit, because

you're the big boss.

Take up the space.

It's like a bull in a field.

There can't be too many bulls,

because they'll ruin it.

Look, if you don't want to be involved in this business,

then, seriously, just don't be involved.

Is that all right?

The fuck, Kurtan?!

Seriously!

-I thought we were doing this together!

-It's just...

Thing is, OK, it's just so much effort.

Yeah, cos you're not pulling your weight, to be honest.

That's why it's so much effort. PHONE RINGS

It's actually more effort for me...

And we're in a business meeting -

why do you think it's OK to get your phone out? Who is that?

No-one.

-What did they say that's so funny, then?

-You wouldn't get it.

-I would get it.

-You wouldn't.

-I would get it.

All right, then. He said,

"That awkward moment when an Orc lord asks you for a clack handle."

You don't get it, do you?

Right. I want these delivered...

to every house in the village, tonight.

I mean it.

And stop with the attitude as well.

Thing is, I don't know what you actually do.

Business.

I've really...

..really had it today.

And she was like,

"Oh, you've got to hand out all these leaflets by tonight."

And I was like, "Whatever, Orc-slammer.

-Kiss my arse.

-Oh, my God, you can't do that!

-Mental!

-Can do what I want.

Watch this, then.

BOY LAUGHS

Parkour.

I can't do that.

Yeah, it's nice having new mates, to be honest.

Not being bossed around by Baron Greenback.

It's great, as well, cos they're proper lads.

And, honestly, when we lot get together,

we are proper mad bastards.

Oh, my God! Did you see the look on the vicar's face then?

-He was livid, wasn't he?

-Yeah, he was livid.

That was madness, man. That was...

He was fuming!

When I see them three together,

I think...

we could have another Columbine on our hands.

And that's very scary.

Look at the clouds - look how mad they are!

They're crazy.

Don't you just think sometimes - you look at the clouds and you just think...

Sometimes you look at the sky and you think

-how insignificant that all is.

-Yeah.

Yeah, do this.

Put your hands like that.

Yeah, open them up, look inside.

-That's what they actually look like.

-Ugh...

Look at this stupid bloke here. Look at him.

Look how stupid he is.

Do you reckon he saw that?

He's coming out!

He's coming! He's coming!

Yeah, he's not coming.

He was going to, though.

He was livid, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was.

KURTAN SIGHS

Yeah, I was supposed to be delivering leaflets for Kerry,

but fuck it.

I ain't running round for her like a blue-arsed fly no more.

And, anyway, she's promoted Levi above me now.

And he's only ten.

And he can't sleep without a night-light.

So, how'd it go last night?

Yeah, pretty good.

Er, delivered all the leaflets round all the houses.

Even went down Charlie Bottom Farm,

which was quite a trek, but I don't mind.

Erm...

Yeah, it's actually quite surprising how many houses

are in this village, as well.

But, no - it was great, all in all.

Levi, get them pictures up on your phone.

500 leaflets,

just dumped in the stream.

-Have you been here all night?

-Yeah.

You really need to go home.

Your mum's called the police and everything.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

OK, go home now.

But, if anyone asks, you fell asleep by accident, OK?

Go home, now.

KERRY SIGHS

-What was he doing here all night?

-Filing.

Do you think I'm going to get in trouble?

-Are those debt letters?

-No.

And you're fired, by the way.

-What?

-And you're also fired from being my best mate, by the way.

Well, I have new mates anyway, by the way.

Oh, what - the nerds?

No. They're not nerds. They have names like human beings, actually.

Oh, yeah? What are their names, then?

-HE MUMBLES:

-Count Fartula and Weak Nathan.

-Sorry, I couldn't quite hear that.

-Count Fartula and Weak Nathan.

They're honestly not nerds, though.

They're just my mates, they look up to me.

What, so that makes you king of the nerds?

Do you know what, yeah? You're just a bully.

And you've been conned in some shitty little pyramid scheme.

Well, it's a multilevel management scheme, so get it right.

-And the juice tastes like ass.

-No, it doesn't.

-Yes, it does.

-No, it doesn't.

-Drink some now, then.

No, because I'm not thirsty, so what's the point?

-That's cos you know it tastes like ass.

-No.

It is! Drink some now.

If you believe in this business so much, yeah, you drink some.

-I don't mind drinking it. It doesn't bother me.

-Excellent.

Now, have some now.

Swallow.

Tastes like ass, doesn't it?

Bleurgh!

That's all I wanted. I'll see you later.

Embarrassment, you are.

Bleurgh!

Bleurgh!

'In business, there will always be setbacks.'

I don't drink my own juice,

Fray Bentos doesn't eat his own pies.

But that's business.

Yes!

'I'm not assed about being fired.

'Gives me more time playing Warhammer.'

Having said that, the lads are getting a bit annoying now.

Since when have you had the Forbidden Forest?

Since I bought it off the Troll King in the last round. Please keep up.

Oh, my God...

They just love playing by the rules.

Sort of sucks the fun out of everything.

Do you know what, I don't actually want to play this any more,

because it is actually very, very boring.

Erm, hello, Shaz.

Erm, I've left you a few messages before.

This is Kerry from the Cotswold area...

'So Shaz's phone ain't working, which is a bit weird,'

because all I wanted to do is ask her

how she makes any money from these juices,

because, at the moment, I'm losing money

and I can't shift these juices to man nor beast.

Kurtan, what shall we do now?

I don't know. But which one of you is breathing so loudly?

Because I can't hear myself think.

Sorry, that would be me.

What you saying sorry for?

Why can't you stick up for yourself, both of you?

-BOTH:

-Sorry.

Do you know what?

I think I'm just going to go for a bit, and just chill out.

On my own, yeah?

Seriously, what you doing? Why you following me?

Fuckin' hell, what was I thinking?

They are massive, massive nerds.

Staggering.

I'm ashamed of myself, that's not usually me,

so don't get the wrong impression.

Normally, I'm beating those sort of kids up.

KERRY SNIFFS

-All right?

-Yeah.

PHONE VIBRATES

SHE HANGS UP

Who was that?

No-one.

Monetary loans?

You been crying?

Yeah.

How was your mates?

Not mates with them any more.

Why not?

Cos they're nerds.

-I did say.

-I know.

-I genuinely think one of them fancies me as well.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Look, I think I know how we can pay your loan off.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Cos that would be really great.

Honestly, it'll be fine.

A Snotling Pump Wagon,

24 Lizardmen,

32 Orc hammers

and an entire Orc industrial army.

'So, Kurtan very kindly offered

'to sell his Warhammer.

'Unfortunately it was worth fuck-all,'

but it's fine, because I've got it all sorted out,

cos I've got out a loan to repay the first loan

and to also buy a PlayStation.

And if I fall behind on the repayments of that,

I just get out another loan, and so forth and so forth.

It's working the system.