GNVQ This Country

This programme contains strong language

We did that.

"Darren Lacey is granny-bashing scum."

-We should probably scrub that out.

-Yeah.

Turned out his granny was actually bashing HIM in.

With a fire poker, weren't it?

-Yeah, we should change that.

-Yeah.

"Granny is Darren Lacey-bashing scum."

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Kerry phoned me the other day at three in the morning saying,

"Come quick, there's a hedgehog in the garden

"that looks exactly like Grandad."

So I got up, I got dressed and I ran over to Kerry's as fast as I could

and then I just stopped in the middle of the street

at three in the morning and thought,

"What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

I just can't open it.

I just... I cannot open it.

Oh, my God. I cannot open it, Vicar.

-Do you want me to open it?

-No, I'll open it, snatchy!

Actually, yeah, you open it.

I'm trying to encourage them to look beyond the confines of the village

and think about their futures

and maybe look at the bigger picture

and have bigger dreams for themselves.

They said yes.

You're joking me?

You're joking me?

Because if you are joking me, that is massively harsh.

I'm not joking, Kurtan. You've got it.

Seriously?

No way!

Oh, my God!

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

Get in!

Oh, let me get a song up on YouTube.

You're going to absolutely love this, Vicar.

Here we go...

Listen to this. Oh, for fuck's sake, advert.

This isn't it. This isn't it.

Here we go, this is it.

# Always spend my life alone

# Been searching for the place called home

# I know that I've been cold as ice...

Can you feel the warmth, Vicar?

# Ignored the dreams, too many lies

# Somewhere deep inside

# Somewhere deep inside me

# I found the child I used to be

# And I know that it's not too late

# Never too late...

Vicar, wait for this, Vicar. Honestly.

# 3am !

Wait for it. This is brilliant.

# The painted cow

Wait for it. This is it.

Wait for the top.

-# Hiaaaaa!

-Yeah!

# I am the junglist soldier... #

Vicar!

No, no. Kurtan, no, not the cross.

Banging.

Did you see that?

That was insane, wasn't it?

Let's go down the pub and get shitfaced.

Come on.

-Have you ever done a pill, Vicar?

-No.

Thanks to the Vicar helping me and that,

I got a place doing a GNVQ in health and social care at Swindon College

and I'm going to be moving there in halls and everything.

So, yeah, I'm basically going to start doing something with my life.

I think it's wonderful you want to help people, Kurtan.

It's amazing I got in, isn't it, Vics?

How many people do you reckon applied but didn't get in?

-I imagine there were a few.

-I reckon...loads.

But I got in, didn't I?

Yes, I think it's great.

But let's finish filling out these forms, shall we?

What do you reckon Kerry will say?

I'm sure she'll be over the moon for you.

Where do I see myself in five years?

Well, me and Kurtan will have a flat in the middle of the village

and all of our furniture will be inflatable

and we'll have a Sky box

and it will pay for itself,

because we're going to use the spare room to breed quails,

because their eggs are worth fucking shitloads.

Ker.

Oh, you're not going to believe this.

Me and Levi have created this gang called the Dump Gang

and we're going to build a den at the dump out of old car parts.

And we've found this washing machine that we're going to use as a safe,

so if you want anything putting in there, you've got to tell me now.

-Right.

-What were you talking to the vicar about?

-Nothing.

-Well, why wouldn't you let me in earlier?

-Because we were talking about man stuff.

-I can talk man stuff.

Yeah, but not that sort of man stuff. You wouldn't understand.

I think I would understand, thanks. What's the massive secret?

The vicar's got a problem with his ball bag, all right,

so stop going on about it, yeah?

What sort of problem?

One of them's turned hard, like a stone.

Now, can you stop with the questions, please?

Oh, hello, Kerry.

Has he told you yet?

Yeah.

And what do you think?

I don't really know what you want me to say, to be honest.

Well, I'll give you two some more time to let it sink in, shall I?

Why is he so proud about it?

I don't know. Now, come on.

I wouldn't be shouting that.

Yeah, I am going to tell Kerry, and soon,

because apparently word's getting around,

but I've just got to try and find the right moment.

You know, I want to do it in my own time.

I think it will be tough for Kerry.

A lot of her peers have moved on already, so...

she's been hanging out with a lot of year sevens.

But of course, when they get to year 11, they move on, too,

so Kerry's just found another batch of year sevens to hang out with

until they move on.

That's the door. We did that.

There's Pork Chop. He's on security.

And Ball Of Laughs. Pick that up. Let me show you.

Yeah, so we're going to have that on the door,

so you use that as a door-knocker. I love that.

And come through in here.

Oooh...

It's all right, Pork Chop, he's with me. Just... OK?

And... Oh, close your eyes.

Show him our best find, Levi.

OK, one, two, three and open!

What are you going to do with them?

Smash them on the road, probably, I would have thought.

-And...

-Oh, because you're fastest in the gang, you get to wear this.

-No, not...

-Sit still. Just once.

Not on my curtains now.

-All right?

-What are you doing here?

Levi!

No, we had a meeting about it.

We're still considering his application, Levi.

And you didn't use the door, which is really annoying.

That counts against you, as well.

The thing is about Slugs is,

he'll turn up when you don't want him to

and then you can barely understand a word he says, anyway.

Oh... My phone keeps doing that in my pocket.

To who?

What?

You can be a bit annoying sometimes.

Oh...! I never slag you off.

Is this about the Calippo, still?

Because you offered to buy me that.

Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually let me pay for it.

And...I offered you a Mini Milk, yeah, not a Calippo.

You know I don't like Mini Milks.

Yeah, but a Mini Milk is 50p

and Calippo was £1.20, just so you know.

You absolute arsehole.

I just knew at the time that you were being funny about that.

What?

-What's wrong with you?

-Are you actually?

Yeah.

Well...

when are you going?

-Pretty soon.

-Why?

Don't know, I just want to do something.

Well, sadly, it is very difficult

for young people to find work in the village.

Erm...

And I think that particularly in Kerry and Kurtan's case, er...

they could have really benefited from the routine and structure

that would have brought to their lives.

If he wants to go, good luck to him, I say.

I reckon he thinks that I can't live without him, which is a laugh,

because he went a whole weekend away once to Brean Sands

and I got on all right.

I just ended up following this cat around the village.

DRILL WHIRS

Levi, that needs to go way higher, mate.

Higher, higher...

That's it.

No, I'm happy for him.

I'm not upset.

Kerry seemed to take it pretty well, if I'm honest.

Not what I was expecting after last time, though.

I went away, yeah, for just one weekend to Brean Sands

and she was ringing me the entire time, texting me, texting my nan,

phoning the caravan park reception.

Honestly, it was an utter nightmare.

And I said to myself, "I can't go away again."

I am excited, yeah.

Meeting new people, getting out of this shithole.

I've got to do what's right for me, at the end of the day,

instead of worrying about other people.

I want the smashed bathroom tiles cleaned up,

because they are all over the road

and the Portaloo's got to go back to the building site

where you found it, please. And now. Because I mean now.

-You got anything to say to me first?

-HE SIGHS HEAVILY

I don't know what you're talking about, Kerry.

-How about sorry?

-Sorry for what?

Sorry for the massive knife

that's hanging out the back of my back because of you.

Well, what do you mean?

Cos you stabbed me in the back.

Backstabber.

Oh, and while you're stabbing me in the back,

feel free to bend down and kiss my arse.

I don't understand.

Why are you forcing Kurtan to move away when he doesn't want to?

I didn't force him. He came to me and I helped him.

You should be happy that he's happy, Kerry.

I'm not happy that he's happy.

I'm only happy when I'm happy.

And right now, I'm not happy with the fact he's happy.

Look, I think you just need to have a chat with him

-and understand where he's coming from.

-Where he's coming from?

What, studying health and social care?

I don't even understand what that means.

He wants to help people, Kerry.

-He wants to feel worthwhile.

-Help who?

-Help who?

-Like old people.

Old people are stupid old fucks who I hate.

Do you know, if two old people go out for a meal,

they'll leave just as much mess as a baby in a high chair.

That's a very offensive thing to say, Kerry.

Please leave and come back when you're being less vile.

Me being vile? I'm not the one who was going on about

my rock-hard ball bag, mate,

so you might as well just spread it around for everyone.

I've no idea what you're talking about.

-You never do, do you?

-Come and see me when you've calmed down.

A wolf in shepherd's clothing.

BIRDS TWITTER

I had a call from the vicar this morning

and apparently Kerry is not happy with me going away after all.

Brean Sands all over again...

I should have known it.

All right?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier

about going away and that, it's just...

Can I just ask you an honest question?

Why would you want to leave the village

when we've got a pub and a shop?

If I'm honest, yeah, it's just...

Like, I'm just bored living round here now, I think,

and I do think I've just outgrown this village now.

Oh, what, so you've outgrown the parish church, have you?

Well, yeah. I have.

Yeah, but what about the duck race, though?

Well, I'll just come back for the duck race.

-You can't just come back for the duck race.

-Why?

Because you can't just dip in and out.

You either dip in or you dip out.

You can't dip in and out.

It doesn't work that way.

Ker, aren't you just bored?

No. I'm not, mate. I'm not bored.

Like...

..we spent all of last week, yeah, trying to get a pound coin

out of a well with a magnet on a piece of string.

-So?

-That's all we did!

Well, you know that's rubbish, because we did bury the dead carp,

as well, so...

Look, can I just talk to you, like, alone

for, like, two minutes, please?

Just so I can talk, like... I just want to...

-Yeah?

-Oh, fine, whatever.

-Please?

-Yeah.

Two minutes, though.

Everyone we grew up with, yeah, all our mates have moved on.

Like Darren Lacey and Kirk, they share a flat in Stroud now.

Do you remember that Christmas when they came back, yeah,

and they drove us to McDonald's

and we had to sit and watch them eat their McDonald's

because we couldn't afford any?

And all they could bang on about was how good it was working at Halfords.

So?

Like, I was embarrassed, mate.

I honestly went home that night and just bawled my eyes out

because I know that they've moved on and I haven't

and I'm stuck in this life, going nowhere.

Like, when I bump into people I know in the street, yeah,

my heart sinks, because I know what they're going to ask me.

"Oh, all right, Kurtan, what are you up to now?"

Well, I haven't got nothing to say, because I ain't up to anything.

And I ain't been up to anything since I left school.

Do you know what I think?

I think you don't know how lucky we have it

to be doing nothing with our lives, like.

We're all going to die, anyway, so what's the point in doing anything?

No...

That's... You don't get it, do you?

No, what I don't get is you going behind my back,

wanting to leave me here on my own. That's what I don't get.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

Do you know what you're like? You're selfish.

-Me selfish?

-So selfish.

-I'll tell you what you're like, then.

-Yeah, go on.

-Actually, no, I won't, because it'll upset you.

-No, go on.

You started now, so you might as well.

You're like Tony from Hollyoaks.

Everyone else has moved on,

but you're staying where you are, yeah, year in, year out,

doing the same old shit, hanging on to the same old shitty memories.

Do you know what?

Good luck with it all, yeah?

SHE SNIFFLES

-VICAR:

-Yes, they have had a bit of a falling out, which is unfortunate.

But when you've been as close

as Kerry and Kurtan have been for so long, that's understandable.

And, erm, I think it's my job to...

try and help them see each other's point of view.

But ultimately, I'm confident they're mature enough

to put this behind them.

-Can I play?

-No!

Well, right, I'm going to tell the vicar, then,

-if you don't let me play!

-OK, bye!

SHE SNIFFLES

OK, right, you're both going to have your say, so let's begin.

Kerry, would you like to speak first?

What would you like to say?

Firstly, Grand Theft Auto Five.

We bought that together, so who's going to keep that, then?

Well, she can have it during the week and I'll have it at weekends.

-Does that work for everyone?

-No, not for me.

Because I'm not happy with my half of Grand Theft Auto

being passed around some crappy halls like some pig on market day,

getting scuffed or lost or stolen.

-I'm not happy with that.

-Just have it, then.

No, I can't have it. Because it's not rightfully mine.

I believe that maybe we'll have to do some sort of a changeover,

through either you or a contact centre.

Fuck, fine.

-OK, then.

-There's another thing, as well, I just want to say.

I've got a Pog that I gave to him ages ago.

I didn't actually give it, I lent it to him,

that I actually need back now.

-What Pog?

-It's shiny.

I lent it to you ages ago and I really want it returned.

Oh, my God...!

This is baffling.

Are you not baffled by this? That was probably at school.

I've moved house, yeah, three times since then.

I want you two to be on good terms for when Kurtan leaves.

Did you see that sort of behaviour that I'm having to put up with?

I'm just asking for my Pog to be returned before he fucks off

and leaves me all my own with a Grand Theft Auto to look after.

-I am being very calm.

-OK, Kerry.

Kurtan, will you be able to look for Kerry's Pog?

I can look, but I won't find it.

That sort of attitude I've had to put up with for 20-odd years.

-I'm not surprised.

-Yeah, and I've had to put up with

that nagging old bellshaft for 20-odd years.

-Come on, what did I just say?

-That's another thing.

I want ownership of the words - bellshaft, wankcoin and arsepirate.

Because I made them up.

I don't want them being bandied around a college

with him taking ownership of them, because that's not right.

Fine, then. I want ownership of the words fucknut and dickmilk.

-OK, right, that's enough.

-Fine!

-Fine.

I do want that in writing, though, by the way.

I actually...cannot wait to leave this shithole.

Yeah, and I actually cannot wait for you to leave this shithole.

I had this come through the post.

And I've got a few concerns about it.

Firstly, this guy on the front looks really arrogant.

Not the sort of guy I was expecting, if I'm honest.

Well, the big day is approaching

and I can tell Kurtan is a little anxious.

This morning, we had a few effs and jeffs flying around,

but that's totally understandable, as he's on edge.

I ain't joking now, Vicar.

This is starting to stress me out a little bit.

Look, Kurtan, I'm sure the pattern on the carpets in the classrooms

-aren't going to be a problem.

-How many times do I have to tell you?

Swirls on carpets freak me the fuck out.

What if I have an epileptic fit?

I'm feeling light-headed just thinking about it.

Kurtan, I know you're feeling a bit anxious, it's a big step,

but it's normal to feel this way.

And another thing. I've been looking at the menu in the cafeteria, yeah,

and I wonder if you could be so kind in telling me

what the fuck is pesto?

So, as I say, he's a bit on edge,

but we've had a good chat

and I think he's, erm...really looking forward to it again now.

I don't want to be saying this again.

If you want to get into Dump Gang headquarters, use the door.

That's what it's for.

'Yeah, I haven't seen Kurtan in a while.'

But I'm doing all right.

I've got the Dump Gang and we're tight as fuck.

You know, it's so simple.

All you have to do is go, "Knock-knock. Who's there? Slugs.

"What's the password?

"Dump Gang. Can I come in?

"Yes, you can come in, because you did it correctly."

You know?

-You all right, Kerry?

-No, I'm not all right!

Just, people just need to start, you know,

treating this place with some respect.

Who gave Molehill the hoover bag hat? He's banned!

He went to the toilet in the office.

Just give me that, now.

Everyone, Pork Chop, get everyone out, please.

Use the door!

Use the door!

Just...

Thank you, Pork Chop.

So...the coach leaves in half an hour.

Yes. I'm not dumb, Vicar.

Why are you trying to stress me out?

You know I'm already stressed out as it is.

It's all right, Kurtan, come on. Everything is going to be fine.

KURTAN SIGHS

CAR STARTS

It's a shame Kurtan's gone because, just this minute,

I've come up with a business idea...

..that he would have absolutely lapped up like a thirsty mule.

It's basically this idea for a taxi company called Aardvark Taxis,

because aardvark's got two As in it,

so it's the first in the phonebook.

So when you open up the phonebook, it's the first one you see.

And on the open day, I'm going to dress up like an aardvark

and hand out balloons with a taxi number to little kiddies.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What's the password?

I found that Pog of yours.

Do you still want it?

Can you just post it through the letterbox, please?

Is that position still going for fastest in the gang?

No, Molehill's got it now by default.

Well...

I've decided to take a gap year out now, so...

if you need someone to hold the title for a year, I could do it.

What, so you ain't going now?

Well, I'm still going, but I'm going to take a gap year out first,

just to prepare for it and that.

Can I come in?

-What's the password?

-What is the password?

-Dump Gang.

-Dump Gang.

-Come in.

How's the vicar?

Just disappointed.

How's his ball bag?

Oh, er...

It just turned black and dropped off, I think.

I really liked the way you used the door.

I really like how...

-..you respect my curtains.

-Yeah, because they're fucking sweet.

Urgh!

Oh, careful!

Sorry.

-Urgh!

-Ah...!

Can you help me down?

Here comes the fat king!

Here is the king!

The fat...

Argh!

-Ow!

-Oh...!

Look at that.

We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

This is our country!

This country is ours!