Episode 2 Tracey Ullman's Show

This programme contains some strong language.

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again And basically I'm still doing

# The same show I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it till the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman show

# Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman Show

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman Show. #

Let's go!

PHONE RINGS

SHE GROANS

Duchess of Cornwall, what the hell is it?

What? Oh, no, no.

I can't have George, I've got a very busy day.

Yah, in ten minutes I'm going to be elbow deep in my best filly

trying to turn the bally foal around.

What? What has he done to the baby?

Oh. Well, I don't blame him, they are horrid little things.

When my sister was born, I shoved her on the back of our best stallion,

slapped its rump and we didn't see her for five days.

Yah, Daddy was furious.

Horses with those sort of bloodlines are damn hard to find.

Oh, well. All right, but just for a few hours.

Bring the little bugger over.

HORSE WHINNIES

What are you doing, you silly mare?

You'll never get the thing out on your own!

HORSE WHINNIES

It's going to be a double-glover, Camilla.

I've seen a house on the website and I want to buy it.

Two million - cash.

Yeah. I'm a business woman and a northern powerhouse.

Electronic banking is for southerners.

What do you mean it's got a lovely south-facing garden?

I don't want to look at the south.

Pam Garrity never faces that way.

Find me another house.

Four sides - all facing north.

Well, then change physics.

MUSIC: In An English Country Garden

Smell that English air!

I can only smell diesel, Colly.

Yes, but it's English diesel, isn't it?

-Do you want one of these paprika crisps?

-God, no!

Well, you're not having my giant Toblerone.

I'm saving that for special.

Lovely to see the hard shoulder back where it belongs, eh?

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

-What's this?

-Oh, it's TalkTalk welcoming us home.

Now, you see, that's the kind of personal service

you just don't get on the continent.

-You want some music?

-Yeah.

MUSIC: Whatever You Want by Status Quo

I love this.

# Whatever you want whatever you like

# Whatever you say, you pay your money, you take your choice #

MUSIC BECOMES MUFFLED

Ow!

Ow!

SHE GROANS DOG BARKS

Oh, Mummy's coming, Eric!

Mummy's coming!

Oh!

Slobbery kisses.

Bloody Nora! Come and see this.

I told you you went over a badger at Newark.

-I didn't run over him.

-Oh, my days! Who's that?

We have a guard dog!

He will attack if you make a move. Eric, steady. Steady, boy.

Please, my name is Allende.

Can I have some water, please?

I've been holding on since Calais.

Oh, Colin, go and get him one of them Fruit Shoots from the boot.

-They've been there three years!

-Well, they don't go off, do they?

Right.

I am filming this for documentary evidence.

So, don't do anything violent, I have 57 friends on Facebook

and they will track you down.

Darling, I... I absolutely adore Sam Mendes to bits, but...

I promised Kenneth that I would do Richard III

in the West End and...

I don't want to see him tears again.

TOILET FLUSHES

What's that noise?

Oh, I'm standing by a fountain.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry,

but somebody's made an awful mess in there.

SHE SIGHS

-The people who do this are animals.

-Yes. I totally agree.

Was it you? I was in here five minutes ago and nobody else came in.

No! No, no, it's a mystery.

Maybe MI6 could find the culprit.

-Hang on, are you...

-Do you mean, am I Dame Judi Dench?

Well, yes, I am.

-I named my daughter after you.

-Oh, did you? How humbling.

Oh, well let me give her a signed photo.

From one Judi to another.

I'm very sorry I accused you. You're a national treasure.

Well, I don't know about that.

But I'd hardly spend my morning blocking all the toilets

in five-star hotels in London just because I could get away with it!

-Guess how many I could do?

-Um...

15, at a push.

Oh, I'm afraid somebody's made a terrible mess in here, as well.

Well, I'll let you get on with it.

Do you happen to know the quickest way to the Savoy?

Don't worry.

Animals!

Yes, it's a bit hard to put in your mouth all in one go that, Allende.

Best to nibble it. Do you know nibble?

So, what made you hang on under our car, Allende?

I was going 90 through the Oxford Clay basin.

Life in my country is worse than death.

I spent all my money to escape.

It has been my dream to come to UK where I will get a house and a job.

Oh, Allende, you've been reading the Daily Mail.

Yes, in my village it was our favourite website.

I'm going to have to ring the police now. He can't stay here.

Oh, Colin, I feel bad. It's like he's chosen us to help him.

He could stay in Ryan's room.

He's not home on leave for another nine months.

-Christine...

-There's everything in there a young man needs.

There's clean pyjamas and the Nintendo.

Oh, just for the night.

Do you think he'd like to watch Eggheads?

DOGS BARK

THUD DOG YELPS

-Morning, ma'am!

-Oh, you blithering idiot.

-I beg your pardon?

-You've run over Fifi's paw.

Oh, my God! Is there a vet nearby?

GUN SHOT DOG YELPS

Kindest thing to do. Right, bar's open. 11am. G&T, anybody?

No, thank you. Are you sure you'll

be all right with His Royal Highness?

Yes, of course. Looking after children is like falling off a horse.

Only less fun.

Right, come on, sprog. Heel.

Now, do you want to stick a horse's uterus back in,

or do you want to drown a kitten in a barrel?

-Kitten!

-Kitten? Quite right. Got to be done.

Runt of the litter, just like Uncle Edward.

-Tractor.

-Tractor? I don't see why not.

Let's go and play with the tractor.

-Can I take these two?

-Sorry, sweet cheeks, it's a work thing.

That's the client chair and that's my 4pm creativity reboot chair.

So, no.

Greg!

Oh, hi.

-I haven't seen you since you were made...

-Left the office.

Best thing I ever did. No, I work for myself now.

I've got a great boss and guess what?

He's not a woman!

-Um... Where do you work?

-In the cloud and in my head.

-And in here, right?

-Yeah, here, too. Could you go round the lead, love?

Go round the lead, yeah.

Yeah, I'm developing apps, want to hear about it?

-OK.

-Thought so. Sit down.

Yeah. No, not there, not there. That's the client chair.

So, Greg, forget about your surroundings...

imagine you're in a coffee shop, right?

You want lemon cheesecake, but they're sold out. What do you do?

-Buy a muffin.

-No, no, no. You use Snackdar!

Look, you find someone else in another coffee shop who wants to be

-your treat partner.

-I'm a bit lost...

-So, all right.

They can get you lemon cheesecake,

you can get them millionaire shortbread,

simply by using micro-payments and bicycle couriers

to transfer your snack of choice to each other.

-It's so intuitive.

-You buy those cookies now.

No, no, no. I'm not eating them, love.

It's just a visual aid.

-You touched them. £6.30.

-Er...

It was lovely to see you, Dominic...

-Yeah.

-..and good luck with whatever this is.

Greg, I've got a proposal for you.

How would you like to buy two cookies at 80% of retail price?

Great offer, but no. Sorry.

When you pay?

OK, I'll use Cashmelp. It's a new money replacement I'm working on.

-We don't take Barbie play money.

-I don't know, put it on my tab.

You don't have tab.

You've got all the answers, today, haven't you, Christina?

Hello, I'm a Dame Maggie Smith

and now Judi Dench - love her to bits - has left James Bond,

I would like to audition for the part of James Bond.

So, here's a little tape I'm making to show you what I can do.

They keep changing the actor, don't they?

Because he's a Time Lord, or some such.

My name is Bond, yeah. James Bond.

I have a licence to kill.

It's provisional at present.

I have the theory test on Wednesday.

Now, the part is mine!

Now, I suppose that if you already have someone to be Bond,

I could be the Bond girl. It would hardly be a stretch.

I could be Miss Onatopp, or Maria Quimtassle.

But it's £15 extra a day for nudity.

Stunts are a doddle.

I can fight on top of a train - I've had enough fights inside one.

It's called the quiet carriage, and quiet it should stay.

So, Mrs Purple Sprouting Broccoli, look no further.

I'm your 007.

Not that you need the two 0s.

It's just 7!

Agent 7.

Has nobody pointed that out?

Ladies and gents, Silver Surfers is about you and your needs.

So, why don't you tell me why you'd like to get on the web?

Well, my grandson posts videos on the YouTube

and I'd really like to watch those.

What's your grandson's name?

Archie Atkins.

So, you just type his name in the box there and...

Ah, there he is.

Now, as you can see, class, Archie's videos are quite poor quality.

When you see somebody getting it wrong online in this way

it's important to point it out to them.

And you can do that by clicking the thumbs down button,

or if you want to make it more personal,

you can type a comment here.

Now, best not to use your real name.

I go by QueenCow1963 and loads of other names

that make it really hard to trace me.

We can either post a comment saying he has a voice like a girl,

or, option two, how everyone here wishes he were dead.

-What will it be?

-Oh, I don't think...

-Wishes he were dead.

-Rightio.

It seems a little cruel.

Oh, no. That's the brilliant thing about the web, Ethel.

There's no need to bother with all those everyday pleasantries

that slow us down so much in real life.

"Wish you were dead. Loser."

SHE INHALES SHARPLY

Ooh. It's quite normal to experience a real thrill

when you click that send button.

Now, is there anyone else who'd like some help?

I've always enjoyed sending pictures of my penis to young ladies,

but the cost of stamps nowadays...

I don't suppose I could do it on the web?

Oh, you've no idea, Stan.

All you do is create a JPEG of your dick pic, attach it to an e-mail and

that will appear in the inboxes of young women across the globe.

All for free.

I'll be handing out a help sheet on that later. Yes, Joyce?

I'm quite keen on inciting religious violence and racial hatred.

Is there anything on the internet to help with that?

Oh, no. I'm afraid not.

Oh. That is a shame.

I'm just kidding!

Let's fire up the dark web.

SHE CACKLES

It's on, is it, Edmund? Yes, it is.

Hello, I'm Margaret Macdonald

and I was a line judge at Wimbledon for 20 years.

You may remember me - I'm the only

line Judge Jon McEnroe ever apologised to.

Yes, I could be serious!

Today - how to make a line call in tennis. This is the line.

This side of the line is in. When the ball is in, we shout...

(nothing.)

This side of the line is out.

When the ball is out, we shout...

SHE GROWLS: "Out!"

The important thing to remember when making an out call

is that tennis is theatre.

It's got to be dramatic and it's got to be truthful.

This, for example, is no good.

GENTLY: Out.

Where's the drama in that?

Equally, this won't work.

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Where's the truth?

You crouch,

you breath from the diaphragm and...

SHE GROWLS: ..out!

Where were the vowels? Nowhere.

That's drama and it sounds like you could have been hurt. That's truth.

You adjust your glasses just to give them the option of appealing...

Keep doing that. And you know what? You'll be a line judge, my friends.

Ow! Yep. Still got it!

What the fuck did you do that for, Edmund?

Now, this is Ian Beale, he's been in it from the start.

He's sort of related to the Fowlers, because Lou was their grandmother.

-And her...

-Hello!

I couldn't get any cassava flour -

Susan at the little shop had never heard of it.

But she said you can't go wrong with crispy pancakes,

so I'm just going to pop the grill on.

-Allende was saying he used to be in the military.

-Oh, like our Ryan.

-But from the age of five.

-Oh...

Apparently, he escaped and did a degree in agricultural engineering,

but then the rebel army came and burnt down his village.

He had to hide in a cess pit for three days.

And I got you a Kinder Egg, as well, Allende.

You've been through so much.

-Oh, Eastenders!

-Yeah.

Now, this is Dot Cotton. Her son, Nick, is really bad.

A bit like your rebel army.

Left foot is go and right foot is clutch

and then you'll work it out as you go.

And try to avoid Granddad's organic gooseberries, all right?

Down on the left. Down on your left.

Oh, Jesus, sprog. It can't be that difficult.

No, don't accelerate!

SMASHING GLASS

Bloody hell!

Oh, there you are, Mum.

Toast is ready and I picked all the rind out of the marmalade.

I wish you'd just let us go rindless,

because it's a lot of bother,

but I know you say it doesn't taste the same.

Ooh, where are you going? Nature calling, is it?

It's all go, isn't it? I wish nature would call me.

I seem to have shut up shop.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Lord, who is that?

I don't think it's the postman

because his ring is much more hostile.

-Hello?

-Hello there, I'm Maxwell from Barwell Hislop estate agents.

We're in the area today...

Why don't you come in? I don't want the neighbours to see me half naked.

Thank you.

Oh, wow!

So, we've recently sold a number of properties on this street

and we're wondering if you've ever thought of selling at all?

-No, I don't think we ever have. No.

-Really?

You don't mind if I make a few notes, do you?

-Oh, I'll pour you a cup of tea.

-Thank you.

So, how long have you lived here for?

Well, Mother and Father bought the house in 1930.

-They paid 249 guineas for it.

-Wow.

Well, it would be worth a lot more now. Four bedrooms, is it?

Yes, and a box room. Although we just live in here,

-because, you know, it saves on the heating.

-So many original features.

Well, yes. We've updated it a bit,

as well. You know, we got an inside toilet in 1986.

Although we don't use it.

We're saving it for best, aren't we, Mother?

How many receptions?

Well, there's this, there's the parlour and the drawing room

and the dining room. But I don't think I've ever been in there.

-Yes, you have. George VI's coronation.

-Oh, yes.

Well, I was only one, so I wouldn't really remember. Would I, Mum?

You left a stain on the antimacassar.

Oh, that'd be why she doesn't let me back in.

And are you aware of the current valuation for a property like this?

No, no. We don't really know about things like that.

£2,000,000.

Two million? Did you hear that, Mum?

-Yeah.

-Oh, Lord!

Something to think about, maybe.

You know, you could get yourself a nice little ground-floor flat

-and still have more than one million quid in the pocket.

-Oh, golly gosh.

-Oh, excuse my French.

-You could go travelling.

-Oh, I'd love to travel.

We've been to Llandudno once, didn't we, mother?

22 hours it took us in that old Morris Traveller.

-You could buy some jewellery.

-Oh, yes. Something sparkly.

-Absolutely.

-Or a new car, a boat, a holiday home.

-Yes.

-You could afford to really enjoy life.

-Yes, yes!

The answer is no.

Oh. Are you absolutely sure?

Are you sure, Mum?

Yeah. I'm sure.

Right, well, I'll leave my card just in case you change your mind.

-Thank you.

-We won't.

She can have her fun when I'm gone.

I'm sure you've been saying that for the last 45 years, Mum.

Gather around, nice and close. I won't bite.

Here we are in the royal bedchamber

where we find, not surprisingly, the royal bed.

And this king-size model actually belonged to Henry VIII himself.

It was made around 1530 and many hundreds of times since. So...

We believe that a middle-aged Henry got to know the young

Anne Boleyn on this very mattress.

Of course, the popular image of Henry is as a rather rotund figure,

but at this point in his life he was still, you know,

he was still relatively slim and sporting

and one cannot overstate the raw magnetism of his powerful position.

So, he'd have had little trouble finding female company on those

long nights away at the conference.

Um...

It wasn't until the foundation of the Church of England in 1532

that Henry was finally able to divorce his fiercely loyal

but age-appropriate wife Catherine.

News delivered to her by Henry's trusted friend Thomas Cromwell.

Because... Well, you'd have to ask Henry, wouldn't you?

Guilt, I would imagine. Or shame.

It's unlikely she ever got the whole truth,

but if it was just business, then why was the wine marked room service?

-Any questions?

-How old was...

-She's 25.

Yeah, Anne was around 25, but no-one really knows her real age.

But, I mean, I've looked at her profile and she's 25.

I mean, she couldn't be more than 30, not with those.

-But they did marry and...

-Yes, on this very day, yeah.

In, er, 1533.

A much smaller affair, but the entire court would still be going,

even those who'd stated clear disapproval of the match

would have quickly swapped their allegiance for that little s...

-Am I right in saying that Anne was the one who was...

-Beheaded!

Cut her head off! Clean off!

Bought in an expert from France with a bloody big sword and...

one chop - she was dead. And that would teach you, wouldn't it?

I mean, that would teach you to nick someone's bloody husband!

Anyway... Let's move on, shall we?

Let's just try to move on.

Do you think they were in love?

Oh, is anyone?

Oh, it's just a little boo-boo.

Nothing that a dab of this won't fix.

GEORGE WHIMPERS

Well, it's no use moaning now, sproglet.

You were at the wheel, weren't you?

SHE GROANS

Just be brave. After all, you are going to

be head of the armed forces one day.

That should do it. Just one more drop of alcohol.

Mm. Mmm. There we are.

And we are done.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, hello.

Hello, sexy.

Yes, I miss you, too. When are you coming home?

I've got no knickers on.

I thought that might do it. Oh, I've got to go.

Ah-ah-ah-ah...

No, no, no. That's not for you, sproglet.

Lightsaber!

It's not a lightsaber, it's a sceptre.

It was Grandpa's grandpa's grandma's or somebody.

One of the Germans.

-Yoda!

-I'm not bloody Yoda.

Who calls me Yoda?

Daddy.

Oh, the little squirt.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, is it five o'clock already?

Come along, sprog.

-Ma'am, I've come to take George.

-To boarding school?

-No, home.

-Oh, of course.

Come along, sproglet.

No, no, no. That's not yours for years.

Goodbye, then. Yeah, see you again one day.

SHE GASPS

Shit a brick! He's taken the ruddy ruby.

Bugger it.

They never use the thing anyway.

Bye!

Chancellor Merkel, the staff would love

if you could join zem for drinks.

We are celebrating the completion of the lobby restoration.

Oh, ja. That's right. All the plastic has gone

and the dust that had us coughing, coughing, ja.

I apologise, Chancellor. They said it would take four months.

They always say this. And how long did it take?

Four months and one day. German builders!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, let's stay, Angela. A drink would be nice after ze long summit.

Well, I've been in a room all day talking, talking,

-while Birgit here has been having fun at the London Dungeon, ja?

-Ja.

But I got you an Anne Boleyn fridge magnet and apparel from Accessorise.

Oh, I love Accessorise.

They have the best hair ties and the flipfen-flopfen.

-Flippen-floppen.

-Flippen-floppen, ja.

Let me get you a glass of champagne, ladies.

How is my hair, Birgit?

Not too sexy and poufy?

I don't want to look like a strumpet in front of the staff, ja.

Today, I was with that Greek finance minister and he was all over me.

Ja, I can always know when he is behind me. I hear the squeak, squeak

of his leather jacket and then this floral, spicy, rudey smell.

-Kouros spice and aroma.

-Oh, Birgit, you have a crush on him.

How can you blame me, Angela?

-He's a welcome political eye candy after Jean-Claude Junker.

-Ugh!

Sch-tinking of mouth wash and Lynx shower gel.

A few words, Chancellor?

APPLAUSE

I have been talking, talking all day.

Then sing! Sing!

SHE SCATS

# My economists told me we'd be talking a week

# I said, darling, all these figures, to me it's all Greek

# Everybody, everywhere wants some money

# And they wonder why we Germans don't find things funny

# If you bail out a nation you expect a little gratitude

# But let me tell you, baby, all you get's a lot of attitude

# One long, never-ending economic wreck

# At the end of which is Germany signing every cheque

# I'm a honey with the money and, honey, it ain't funny

# When the honey with the money has to shell out all the money

# And it's funny how the countries that suddenly need the money

# And whose idea was the Eurozone?

SHE SCATS

# Far, far, far on the autobahn

SHE SCATS

# Neunundneunzig Luftballons

# The pain in Spain gives me a migraine

# They exploit us all in Portugal

# Go to Slovakia, they just attack-ia

# When you're hanging out with Putin, don't put your foot in,

# Or else Putin will put his boot in

# There's an inner Putin, Vladimir Putin

# Mamma Mia don't mess in Crimea

# Crimea, Crimea

# Cry me a river, what are you going to do?

Sing! Sing!

-# I like soul and R & B

-And Eurovision secretly

-# I speak Russian fluently

-Good accent apparently

-# Got a degree in chemistry

-At Leipzig University

-# I've never taken LSD

-But she drinks beer occasionally

-# Favourite sandwich, BLT

-Her middle name is Dorothy

# Eins, zwei, drei, vier Get me an Uber over here

# Ja. #

You ready?

Ja, everybody have a wonderful time.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You've probably never had one of these before, Allende.

-It's called an Options.

-I want to thank you, you have been so kind.

You're best to stir it. Otherwise it just stays as powder.

Tomorrow, I will leave you. Find somewhere to live and a job.

Oh, there's no rush. We could go to the Golden Acre theme park tomorrow.

It's a site of special scientific interest. Colin loves it there.

Sleep tight.

I'm so glad you chose our motorhome, Allende.

KEYS JANGLE IN LOCK