Episode 3 Two Doors Down

-Do you think that's enough potatoes?

-Let's see.

Jaz isn't a big eater, Ian, he'll take three,

there's Colin, Cathy won't take that much,

I'll take a couple of roast, and you...

Yeah, I'd better do more.

This programme contains strong language

Cathy!

This wine isn't that cold, Cath.

Oh, Eric's had his strimmer out.

The garden's looking very nice.

DOORBELL RINGS

Cathy, look...

Don't even speak to me, you little...COCK!

DOOR OPENS

Oh, hi, Eric.

Hi, Eric.

Bottle of wine for our lovely host.

Oh, very kind of you.

What have we got here?

-Spanish.

-Screw top.

Ah.

So...how are youse doing?

Good, yeah, uh-huh, really happy.

-Will I...?

-Yeah, lovely.

Yeah, go for it, Eric, fuck it!

Right.

Beth, that's Cath and Col here.

Oh, here she is.

-Hi, Cath.

-Hello, missus.

Oh, you smell all kitchen.

Oh.

-You all right, Beth?

-Fine, yes, it's all under control.

Is it, Beth? That's good. So am I.

Well, something smells good, eh?

Leg of lamb.

A leg of lamb?

Eric, a leg of lamb?!

Aye. That's a Sunday lunch.

Oh, aye.

How long since we did this, eh?

Aye, too long!

Well, it's good to keep the traditions going, isn't it?

I mean, like when we all get together for...

Well, for Sunday lunch, Christmas, funerals.

Well, I hope youse all like roast potatoes.

Roast potatoes on the go, eh?

Not just any old potatoes, though, eh?

Oh, really, Eric? Special potatoes, Beth(!)

Well, no, not really.

We just picked up a big bag at the farmers' market yesterday.

Ooh, farmers' market.

Big sausages in brown paper and Land Rovers and pigs with no heads.

Aye.

Well, you're more than welcome to take some away if you want.

And do what with them?

-Well, cook them.

-No.

Hello!

Ah!

It's Ian and Jaz! Ian and Jaz.

Peck on the lips, peck on the lips, Jaz.

Oh, I bet he's a lovely kisser, Ian.

You all right, Jaz? Feeling OK?

-Fine, yeah.

-Have you not been well, Jaz?

Erm, I...

Yeah, but he's going back to work tomorrow.

Are you?

It's no big deal, is it?

-DING!

-Ah.

-Of course it's not. Are you nervous about it, Jaz?

-Cathy.

-Hold your hand out.

-What?

A little bit shaky.

It'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about.

-Ian!

-That's your mum wanting you to give her a hand.

I should go as well.

Get a look at Beth's big potatoes.

Stress you were off with, wasn't it?

So, everything all right? What have you been up to?

Not much, pretty quiet.

-Been saving up to buy a house and...

-Yeah, that's great.

Beth, could you open a window?

It's really hot in here and it really smells.

What are we having?

Lamb.

Leg of lamb!

What's Jaz getting?

-Oh, God.

-What's the matter?

Jaz is a vegetarian.

Oh, no.

He can have the potatoes, though. What else have you got, Beth?

Eggs, tin of tuna...

He won't eat any of that.

-Lettuce.

-Look, there's all these potatoes here.

He can have a baked potato, or a potato pie.

I'll just go to the shop and pick something up.

Oh, my God! What about a potato sandwich?

I am not making Jaz a potato sandwich, Cathy.

My God, Beth, there's loads.

-I know.

-These are organic as well.

Are they?

Well, the shit's still on them, they must be.

So, that'll be you up and out your bed at a decent time tomorrow?

-Yeah.

-Ooft! That'll be a shock to the system.

-Aw, you know...

-And see the roads at that time in the morning.

Oh, it'll be OK.

Aye. Is it M8 you go?

-Yeah.

-Eric?

-Eh?

M8 in the morning?

That's the way you used to go, isn't it?

Oh, aye, aye. Oh, God, that was a nightmare.

You said it was like Wacky Races, did you no'?

-Aye, when it's moving.

-Well, that's one thing, Jaz.

You cannae get killed when you're at a standstill.

Although, if something rams something from behind,

you do get the concertina effect.

Oh, aye, nasty.

And that wee Corsa of yours with the sunroof,

you could pop out of that like a jack in the box.

-I'm just nipping to the shop.

-You what?

I'll be ten minutes.

I could always get the train.

The train. Yes. Good idea.

Aye, plenty of folk take the train.

Let the train take the strain.

See that crush at the barriers at Edinburgh last week?

HE INHALES

Cathy, get the parsnips out of there, would you, please?

They're like white carrots.

There you go.

Ta.

Is everything all right with you and Colin?

Well, yeah.

More or less.

Oh, Beth, I don't know what to do.

What is it, Cathy?

Colin was out on Friday night with all those WANKERS

from the golf club

and when he came in he said they'd been in a pub,

but then last night I was on the Facebook

and he had been tagged into a picture

that was taken...

in a lap dancing bar.

Oh. Are you sure?

Oh! That's definitely a lap dancing bar.

Oh, Sophie, there's Ian.

Ian!

-Hi, Christine. Hi, Sophie.

-Hiya.

Is this you in doing your shopping?

I'm just getting something for Jaz for his lunch.

Hey, there's tins of custard round there reduced to 59,

-in't that right, Sophie?

-Yeah.

Custard wi' a banana sliced into it, you ever had that, Ian?

No.

There's UHT milk as well

that's originally been part of a multi pack.

Is there? Right, listen I'd better...

Watch your step roond there,

cos some wee lassie went and smashed a bottle of white wine vinegar.

The yellow triangle's up, but no sign of the blue roll as yet.

-Well, it's nice to see you.

-Aye, you, too.

Here, how come you're daein your shopping in here?

You've got that big Tesco right at your back door.

Oh, no, we're up at my mum's.

Oh, right.

So how come you're having to buy Jaz his lunch?

Well, we're all...

..having lamb.

Lamb? Oh, I like lamb.

So, if I phone up to query my bill, you're the guy that answers?

No, not straight away. You go through the options first.

Oh, aye, aye. Press one for billing, two for meter readings,

three for such and such and a' that shite.

-Yeah.

-So, I choose my option and then you pick up?

Yeah. Well, as long as there's not a queue.

-The queue.

-Oh, jeez.

-With the music.

-Oh, God!

Do you get a say as to what music it is that they play?

-No.

-No?

-It comes from head office.

Oh, here, he's got the lingo down to a T, Eric.

"It's nothing to dae wi' me - it's head office."

Fat cat central.

Aye, they're daein all right.

The poor workers don't see any of it.

There's poor Jaz, stressed to breaking point,

getting paid peanuts.

And no rights.

Sack you on the spot if they like.

So, I'm on the phone, I've done everything I'm meant to.

I've pressed my buttons, I've waited in my queue,

I've hung on and hung on and hung on

and I've finally got to the front, and I am ready for blood.

Is that where you come in?

I'm just going to the toilet.

Oh, there we go, that's us.

He's a good, smooth driver, isn't he, Sophie?

Lovely.

More than can be said for some of they private hires

we've been getting.

What are they like, Sophie?

I said to that one last week, "Hey, hey, she's pregnant

"and I've had a big lunch, so less of the Lewis Hamiltons."

Look, these nights out, Cathy, they end up having too much to drink

and then they just get carried away.

That's what he said.

He said he kept his eyes shut and his hand on his pint.

-Well, there you go.

-I don't believe him.

Cathy.

Look at me Beth. Look at me!

Look at my arse. Hmm?

I've done spin classes for seven years, Beth.

I've done pilates for five.

I've had... I've had my teeth whitened.

I've been waxed, bleached and douched,

all so he can walk into a bar and watch some young girl

that's travelled halfway across the world in the boot of a car

slide up and down a pole for 15 quid!

Oh, Cathy.

I mean, sometimes, Beth, I wish I was more like you

and I didn't give a shit what I looked like.

CHRISTINE: Oh, bastard sciatica.

Just dump they bags there the now, Sophie.

What?

I bumped into them in the supermarket.

Oh, you're here as well, eh?

No show without punch.

We won't stop long, Eric.

We don't want to outstay our welcome,

although a welcome usually follows an invitation

and there wasnae one of those.

-Mum.

-Where's Jaz?

-He's...

-Beth busy, is she?

She's in the kitchen.

Oh, right, aye. She'll have her hands full, eh?

Too full to pick up the fucking phone and ring me.

Mum!

-Oh, hi, Christine.

-Mum, where's Jaz?

-I don't know.

-He's away off for a slash, Beth.

Hello, Beth.

Hope you don't mind us dropping by.

We bumped into Ian in the supermarket.

No, no, it's fine.

Something smells nice.

Would you like to stay and have something to eat?

Oh, no, we've got quiche there that's need to be used by tonight.

Oh, right.

And there's fresh cream for on top of my Viennetta,

that'll need to go in the fridge.

- Well, it was just a... - And fish fingers as well.

I'm shovelling those omega threes into her.

Well, Pat over the back,

her daughter took them and see that granddaughter of hers,

talk about smart.

Pat only has to shout "cigarette"

and that wee one's right there wi' the lighter.

Well, if you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome.

Uh-huh.

What are you having?

Lamb.

With?

Potatoes.

What kind of potatoes?

Boiled and roast.

I don't mind roast.

Well, then, I'll stick a couple of extra in.

Oh, but not great, big ones.

OK, wee ones.

Aye, just wee ones. Could you slice them up?

Yeah, fine.

Not too thin, though.

Not too thin.

Quite chunky.

Chunky - what like chips?

Oh, chips would be lovely.

Jaz?

Jaz, are you in there?

So how's young Sophie, then?

I still feel a bit sick in the mornings.

I sometimes get that.

I don't know what it is.

I find the best thing is to actually just be sick.

That's good you're getting out to the supermarket

for a wee breath of fresh air.

She went into the town yesterday as well, didn't you?

Yeah.

She needed a bigger bra.

Say no more. Personal information.

Aye, there's a hell of a weight in them.

Mum.

What?

I'm busy. What is it?

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I'm sure.

Jaz, are you in there?

Have you made a mess?

Hands up who's been to the carvery?

Oh, we've been several times, haven't we, Cath?

Eric, you been?

Eh, no' for a while, no.

-I took Sophie on her birthday, didn't I?

-Oh, don't.

She had a bit of everything - the lamb, beef, pork, turkey.

-Turkey can be dry.

-Aye.

You had gravy though, didn't you, Sophie?

Oh, Cath likes gravy, don't you?

She pours it into her Yorkshire pudding.

Do you, Cathy?

Jaz.

Jaz!

What's going on?

We think Jaz has locked himself in the toilet.

Oh, has he?

Let me have a little word with him.

Jaz, get out, I need to pee

and, if I piss my pants, you're clearing it up.

Cathy!

What on earth is the matter with him?

He's worried about going back to work tomorrow.

Jaz, are you stressed?

Are you panicking?

Are you having a panic attack?

Are you having a breakdown?

I tell you what, I'm getting a bit peckish.

I'll go and check the meat.

Aye, go and have a look and see how it's doing.

Oh, here, Eric, did she say it was roast potatoes she was doing?

Aye.

Any chance of a wee bit of mash?

I like a bit of mash to mop up my gravy.

Oh, aye, mash. Lovely.

Eric, could I have a bit of mash, too?

What about your chips?

Och, go on, I'll have chips as well.

At least speak to me so I know you're all right.

Beth, get the ladder up and have a look in.

No.

Remember you did that when you thought Eric was masturbating

in the afternoons?

We'll need to batter the door down.

We are not battering the door down.

Jaz, just let us know you're all right.

Oh...

We didn't know what was going on!

Yes, Jaz, you stupid little shit.

Cathy, down the stairs.

Beth, see the potatoes, is it all right if I have the tiny roast ones?

Oh, do you want chips as well?

No, not chips!

Little square ones, like you get in Spain.

Patatas they're called. Patatas potatoes!

What's the matter?

I can't go back to work tomorrow.

-What's going on?

-It's fine, it's nothing.

It's nothing, Colin. Some things are private, actually.

I thought wee Jaz might be having a breakdown.

-He is, aye.

-Look, he's not having a breakdown.

Just a wee one.

Oh, I've said from the day and hour I met that boy

that I could just picture him being sectioned.

Is he OK, Mrs Baird?

He's fine, Sophie.

Are you getting him taken away, are you?

No! Nobody is getting taken away.

He just needed a couple of minutes to himself.

It's when they start shaving their heads like Britney Spears.

Jaz would really suit having his head shaved.

Cathy!

Sophie, would you like Jaz to shave his head?

Jaz is not going to shave his head, Cathy.

Now that's enough!

He's fine.

He just gets a bit uptight

and the last thing he needs is for us lot to be going on about it,

so can we just let it go, OK?

OK?!

Tell you something, another half an hour of this

and she could snap like a fucking twig herself.

We can just go up the road if you want.

-No, I'm fine.

-You sure?

Yeah, better off here.

Keeps my mind off things, being round people, chatting and stuff.

REMAINING WINE SLOSHES

Oh, hi, Jaz.

In you come, Jaz.

Oh, there's Jaz, my wee pal.

Come on, you, and sit next to me, son.

Oh, there you go.

This is nice this, Jaz, eh?

Everybody getting together and sitting down,

waiting on the potatoes.

Would you like a drink of something, Jaz?

Er, just a glass of water, please.

Aye, that's good, son.

Just because you cannae face reality

does not mean that you have to hit the bottle.

That was good of Ian getting your vegetarian meal, eh, Jaz?

Aw!

-Aye.

-Sophie, remember you tried it.

Yeah.

Oh, I mind of that, eh?

I was away getting her nut roasts and peppers stuffed wi' cheese.

The first time I sat down to a steak pie,

she was circling my chair like a vulture.

I've often thought about going vegetarian myself.

Don't talk shit.

I have!

There's lots of vegetables I like.

I like peas, I like carrots, I like sweetcorn.

Christ, who do you think you are, the Hungry fucking Caterpillar?

CHUCKLING

JAZ CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Oh, Christ, don't tell me he's losing it again.

Pierce the film on this shepherd's pie

-and stick it in the microwave.

-Who's having this?

-Jaz!

Right, get everyone sat down.

Right, folks, that's us. Grub's up.

Oh, lovely, Eric.

Will you manage, Sophie?

Oh, she'll be fine, but I'll need a wee pull up.

Here, Ian, come on. That's it, son.

Are you ready for a nice, big meal, are you, Sophie?

I'm not really hungry.

Oh.

Cathy, you and Colin go there.

No, no, no, no, I'm going to sit next to Sophie.

Where will I go?

Next to Christine.

Sophie, anything I don't want, I'll shove it on your plate, yeah?

Just clear all this shite out of the way cos I like to lean right in.

-HE INHALES

-Oh, smell that lamb.

Do you smell it, Christine? Smell that lamb!

Indeed I do.

Do you smell it, Ian?

Aye.

Eh, Jaz, smell...?

Oh, sorry.

Right, here we are!

Wahey!

Aye, just...help yourselves.

OK, Cathy, you'll take roast?

Yes, please, missus.

Colin?

Mash and three roast, Beth.

Mash and three roast.

Christine, your chips.

Eh, just give me them here.

I'll just scrape them all onto my plate.

Any vinegar, Beth?

Eric, vinegar.

Oh, Eric, any mint sauce?

Sophie?

Just a tiny bit for me, Mrs Baird, honestly.

Eh, Eric, microwave.

-Thank you, Eric.

-Ian?

Just some boiled.

I'll take a couple of boiled as well.

Beth, this mash is lovely.

Aye, I'll take some mash an' all.

Whoa, there you go. Personal service, eh?

Your own personal pie man waiting on you!

Oh, yuck!

Oh, gads, that is so gross.

Look at it, Sophie. Look at that!

No, you're all right.

-Is it meant to look like that?

-That is just muck.

BETH: Three and a half minutes it said and that's what I gave it.

It's fine, Mrs Baird.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, honestly.

You enjoy it, son.

You'll be back locked in that loo before you know it.

Right, has everybody got?

Oh, sorted, lovely.

In fact, why don't I do a wee toast?

Why don't you not bother?

Thanks to...to Beth and Eric, for not only these beautiful potatoes

that you have sourced for us, but also the magnificent leg of lamb,

which I think we'd all agree is absolutely delicious.

Well, no', you, Jaz, because, well, you've got your pie,

but take it from me, son, this is melt-in-your-mouth stuff.

So, here's to you, Beth and Eric.

Eric and Beth!

Oh, and... And good luck to Jaz on his first day back at work tomorrow.

Jaz!

Er, he's not going.

Oh, well...

Well, good luck back at the doctors trying to get your...

your sick note.

Cheers.

Well, this is nice, isn't it? Nice getting everybody together.

Traditional Sunday lunch, eh?

Exactly!

See when I was a wee boy,

see, no matter what was going on,

we always sat down together on a Sunday and had a bit of meat,

a few potatoes and a bit of pudding for afters.

There's plenty of potatoes if anybody wants.

We should do this more often, eh?

Oh, well, your turn next then, eh, Cathy?

Oh, fuck that!

Oh, right, what is the matter wi' you?

Who? Me?

No, the other torn-faced cow that's sookin' on a leccy fag behind you.

-Aye, you!

-Christine!

Oh, well, no wonder, Beth.

She's been cuttin aboot here wi' a face like a smacked arse

-the whole day.

-Excuse me?

Cathy, just don't.

It's all right, Beth. It's all right.

I am sorry, Christine, if I am not my usual cheery self today,

but I happen to be dealing with a personal matter

and that's how it shall remain, personal.

What happened?

He's been at the lap dancing.

Oh.

Now, hang on.

Dirty dog.

Dirty wee dog.

-Look, it's no' how it sounds.

-Oh, is it not(?)

Nothing happened!

How, did you forget your wallet?

Maybe now's not the time to go through this.

He said he was on a golf club night out

and then on Facebook he was tagged in a picture

in a lap dancing club.

Oh, I can just see him with the boobs in the face, grinning away.

So gross.

Hey, Beth, see Pat over the back?

Her nephew went to one o' them in Aberdeen.

£75 for a can of Red Bull and a dry hump

aff a wee lassie in a denim skirt.

Naw, naw, naw. Look, it wasnae like that.

It was actually...

Well, it was actually quite a classy place.

-What's it called?

-Sliders.

SHE GASPS

Look, why don't we just have our dinner and leave this?

I can't eat!

Here, Sophie, give me her meat over.

It's not that big a deal, is it?

Em, pardon?

It's not like it's nothing that you can't see anywhere else.

I mean, if you're on a beach and people are topless,

do you know what I mean?

Exactly, Ian!

I mean, Eric, you've seen topless women on the beach?

Well...

-And there's nothing sexual about it, is there?

-No, no, it's-it's...

It's just quite...

It's like a wee bonus.

Look, we were all out, it was one of the boys' birthdays,

the pubs were shutting and a few of the lads

fancied going on somewhere else.

It was just a bit of a laugh.

"A bit of a laugh"?

So you're telling me you just went, sat there,

had a drink and that was it?

Well...

Well, all right, I mean, I...

I had a dance thing.

Ah, here we go.

What dance?

Well, we were just chatting and, well, the next thing I knew,

well, I turned round and...

At first I actually thought the lassie had dropped something.

WHAT?!

But, Cathy... Cathy, listen.

The thing is...nothing happened!

Oh, you must think I am stupid!

I'm telling you, nothing happened.

As in, nothing happened!

Like, nothing happened!

-Didn't it?

-No!

It only happens when it's...

It only happens when it's you and me.

-Really?

-Aye.

-Honestly?

-Yes!

Oh, Col!

Colin.

Not even a semi?

No.

Oh, this is the best Sunday ever!

Beth, go and get us a bottle of wine.

Actually, fuck it, I'll go.

You've been stuck in that shitty little kitchen all day.

COLIN EXHALES

Good. So we can all get on with our lunch now.

Beth, my chips are cold.

Can you heat them up?

I don't really like this.

-# It's getting hot in here... #

-Oh, Christ.

-# So take off all your clothes... #

-Here she goes!

# I am getting so hot I'm going to take my clothes off... #

Cathy.

# It's getting hot in here so let me pour you wine

# With a little bit of oh-oh and a little bit of ah-ah. #

-Is it starting yet?

-Oh, yes.

Anybody want more potatoes or anything?

# Good gracious, ass is bodacious... #

And...slut drop!

CHEERING

# And a little bit oh-oh And a little bit ah-ah... #

Whoo!

# Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

# Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...? #

RETCHING AND COUGHING

# De-de de-de, don't ya? #

SHE SIGHS

# All that meat and no potatoes

# Just ain't right

# Like green tomatoes

# Yeah, I'm waiting, palpitatin'

# For all that meat and no potatoes

# All that meat and no potatoes. #