Sketch show starring Lorna Watson and Ingrid Oliver. Featuring a forgetful spy, two very competitive old ladies and a surprising guest appearance from Claire Balding.
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Stand back! Give him some air.
-Right. Can you tell me what happened, madam?
-Please do something! He's my dad.
-I don't know what happened. He just collapsed.
-What's his name?
Right. Looks like this is your lucky day, Keith.
Please. Can you save him?
Put it this way, I've won Paramedic Of The Year five years in a row
and I've never lost anyone yet, so what do you think?
Come on, big man. Come on, Keith. Stay with me.
He's turning blue!
Listen, it's not your time, Keith.
I've never left a man behind and I am not about to start now.
He's opening his eyes.
Damn right he is.
He wants to see the face of the woman who's going to save his life.
Please tell me he's going to be OK!
Listen, I cannot stress enough that I have never, ever lost anyone.
Ever. OK? Just a few more seconds and we're home and dry.
So he's not going to die?
Not on my watch.
But unfortunately, that's my watch over.
It's Sandra's watch now.
Does anyone know any medicine?
Good luck with it all, yeah?
Come and see my new invention!
Do hurry, Nettie!
I'm coming, just as fast as I can!
Father, Father, what is it?
CHUCKLES You'll see. Now, stay there.
What do you think? She's a beauty, isn't she?
I'll say! What does it do?
I'll show you!
Now, hold this for me and hand me those goggles.
Are you ready?
Oh-whoa-oh-whoa-ow! Ugh! Ah!
For God's sake, girls...
HE COUGHS ..go and get your mother.
Cup of tea, £2.90.
Er, milk is down the end, with the cinnamon and stirrers.
Sorry, I'm going to ask you again - what is this?
It's a cup of tea. £2.90.
No. No. This is not a cup of tea.
This is some of the ingredients for a cup of tea, partially assembled.
It's a cup of tea.
Now, I'm not an unreasonable woman.
I don't expect loose-leaf tea or a porcelain teapot.
I don't mind a tea bag, and this is probably a very good tea bag,
containing the potential for a very good cup of tea,
but this... This is not a cup of tea.
This is a paper cup with a tea bag at the bottom,
which you've filled to the brim with super-heated water,
so I refer to my earlier comment -
this is not a cup of tea.
Look, I need to serve all...
This is Britain - a nation founded on tea.
Tea is a medicine. Tea is Mummy kissing it all better.
Tea is what you crave after a blustery walk on a crisp autumn day,
or after your husband leaves you for a 23-year-old Belarussian nanny.
Tea is love, and family and friends.
Tea makes you go like this when someone offers it to you - "Tea?"
This - this does not make me want to "ooooh".
This makes me want to weep, for tea, and how we have betrayed it.
I really wanted a cup of tea, but when I left the office
this morning, I said, "I'm going to go and get a coffee."
Get a coffee?
That's not even proper English!
Well said, brother.
And you there, sister - what is that you're eating?
That is not a muffin.
This is a muffin!
ACCORDIAN PLAYS TRADITIONAL MUSIC
Hazelnut latte for Terry?
Stop right there, Terry.
Do you want your name scrawled on that cup, Terry?
Is your name so cheap that you have is bandied about like God's own tennis ball?
We are British.
We barely give our names to our neighbours, or our uncles.
Let alone to complete strangers for them to butcher beyond all recognition.
There's no I in Terry!
She's right - there isn't.
If it be a sin to covet tea,
then surely I am the most offending soul alive.
It's not a sin!
Then let us make a stand, here, today.
We few, we happy few, we band of tea-drinkers who still remain
unsure on the whole milk-in-first-or-last thing.
-I always put mine in last.
-I always put mine in first.
If we be mark'd to drink a hot beverage, let it be tea.
Every brave man and woman who fights with me here today,
raise your mugs, and your voices,
and cry, "Long live Darjeeling, Earl Grey and English Breakfast!"
A proper cup of tea to take away, please.
There we are.
This as well.
-Oh, and that's yours.
Oh, don't forget your strainer. There you go.
Excuse me. Ow. Ow.
Oh, hey, hon.
You look really pretty, by the way.
That colour really suits you.
So, how's it going with you?
So you know how Harry promised me
I could scrub in on his triple bypass surgery?
Well, apparently now I'm not scrubbing in on his triple bypass surgery.
Yah. I sort of overheard some of the nurses talking about it.
What did they say?
They just saying you weren't scrubbing in
on the triple bypass surgery.
I can't believe they said about me.
So, do you know who IS scrubbing in on the triple bypass surgery?
Oh, hi, you guys.
Fancy seeing you here.
That colour really suits you, by the way.
Harry said I could scrub in on his triple bypass surgery, yeah?
So... I'll see you guys later.
That's SO out of order, babe.
Yah, I know.
I'm SO confused right now.
How's it looking out there?
Oh, don't worry - they don't call me 20/20 Tina for nothing.
So we aren't going to crash into an iceberg and drown?
Not on my watch.
But unfortunately, that's my watch over now. Sandra?
Who put that there?
-Oh, hello Eve!
Good morning, Anne!
How are you today?
Yes, yes - well, thank you. And you?
Oh, couldn't be better. Yes, Derek's just got a promotion.
-Thus the pagoda.
Oh, yes, yes. It's lovely. Ours is handworked wrought iron, of course.
You pay a bit more for it but it's worth it.
Bit bright for me, but I've always said you had modern tastes.
Yes, good, good, yes!
New job in Hong Kong, so busy, busy, busy!
Well, aren't we all?
Well, I must dash - we're taking delivery of a new microwave.
Oh, right, yes.
-Handy little gadgets, aren't they?
-Not that we need one, what with the Aga.
Keeps the kitchen warm too, which is nice, so...
Little bit too warm in the summer, though.
Not if you know how to use it.
I have trouble enough setting the, er, temperature
-on the underfloor heating...
-..and that's state-of-the-art.
Yes, well I must pop off.
Off to look at a new car.
See, the boot on the old one isn't big enough to carry all the luggage
that we're taking on our round-the-world cruise
to celebrate our grandson getting into Oxford University
to study medicine and economics.
I'm going to Mars.
I am going to Mars.
Yes, Eve, Mars - the Red Planet. Mars.
Well...we'll all look forward to that, then.
-'Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
'That's a negative for launch. All stop. Repeat, launch is NOT go.
'Sorry to say this but it seems like we do have a problem.'
It doesn't look like we'll be seeing the launch today.
I told you she was full of shit.
Look what I bought!
And I'm not going to lose this one,
because this is the umpteenth board game I've had to buy,
cos the other ones keep disappearing. Fancy a game?
Mm, no, you're all right, actually.
-Oh, come on!
-No, I think I might just turn in.
Lorna, it's 6.30.
Gosh, is it that late already? Night, then.
Lorna, why don't you want to play Monopoly with me?
-Well, you clearly don't.
Well, no, it's just... You know, you get a bit competitive, that's all.
I don't, do I?
Yeah, you do.
You're a really bad loser, actually.
Well, surely no-one LIKES losing.
I don't mind losing.
Surely no-one normal likes losing.
Come on. Just one game?
I'll let you wear my flip-flops!
All right, then.
-Just the one game, though.
Honestly, the way you're carrying on, you'd think I was some kind of monster.
-Right, highest number starts.
Higher than a two, higher than a two.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
SHE CHOKES AND COUGHS
I AM a monster.
You must never let me play this again.
Hey, boy. How's it going?
Not so good, actually.
I sort of told Araminta
she could scrub in on my triple bypass surgery.
Oh, I thought Georgiana was scrubbing in
on your triple bypass surgery?
Yah, no, she was.
I thought I'd find you two in here.
Harry, can I have a word?
Yah, no, of course.
I just think you should know that Georgiana's, like, really upset
that you've asked Araminta to scrub in on your triple bypass surgery.
Josephina, can I have a word, please?
Yah, no, of course.
I just think that you shouldn't go around meddling
in people's triple bypass surgeries when it's none of your business.
Well, isn't this cosy?
Looks like you got what you wanted, Harry.
I hope you and Araminta are really happy doing triple bypass
I never want to speak to you again.
MACHINE BLEEPS RAPIDLY
Hey, Roman, wait for me, boy!
Wait... What about our triple bypass surgery?
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
I almost didn't recognise you there for a minute.
It's me, Sarah.
From that night in the pub, remember?
You're not stalking me, are you? Only joking.
No, seriously, it's good to see you again, actually. God, what was it?
Six months ago? I don't know - something like that, anyway.
Yeah, no, my office is just round the corner so, er...
Did I tell you I'm a lawyer? I can't remember. Probably did.
Yeah, and it's quite a big firm, actually,
so, er, got a really good reputation, so I'm just going to stick with it
for now and then weigh up my options in a couple of years.
See how I feel. Now I'm waffling. Oh, no - it's official.
Yeah, no, cos didn't you come back to mine or something?
I can't really remember, it was that long ago.
Well, six months ago, so not THAT long ago.
God, that was a big night. Total mayhem.
And then you sort of stayed at mine for, like, the whole weekend.
And didn't we watch... Didn't we watch Born Free together, or something?
A bit random. I probably cried, did I?
And then - what was it - you left, and then never called me again,
even though you said you would. Blah-blah-blah.
Not that it matters, cos it was a one-night stand, so...
Well, two night-stand, actually. Yeah, no, it's a shame
you didn't let me know where I stood, though, cos I've sort of been
in limbo for half a year, wondering whether or not to pursue other men,
because I thought you and me had a connection.
Anyway, listen, I'm going to be late for work so, er...
I guess I'll see you around, sailor.
I meant soldier, not sailor,
cos you're not a sailor so that doesn't make sense.
Anyway, take care of yourself.
VOICES TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
Ma'am, we've got Agent Green on the line. She's made it into the mainframe but she needs some help.
Right. Put her on speaker. Agent Green?
'Chief, chief - we have a code red.
'I've managed to infiltrate section four,
'but they've rigged the place with a complex explosive.
'We've got 73 seconds until this place blows. How do I disarm the bomb?'
Right, keep calm, Agent Green. Get me some visuals.
Everyone else, I need silence.
There's a damn good operative there we need bringing back alive. OK...
Elegant, very elegant.
Agent Green, I want you to do exactly as I tell you -
that way we'll bring you back with all your bits intact.
-I'm all ears, ma'am.
Now, remove the casing, slide your left hand down the right-hand side.
No, don't touch the electricals - it's a very delicate mechanism.
Now, I want you to quickly move the... The... You know, the thingy.
-No, God, don't touch that.
-The chemical capsule?
-No, it's, um, it's greeny-blue...
-There's nothing green here, ma'am.
-Gosh. Um... OK. What's it called?
Um... Um. Oh, I know - it rhymes with, um, with what's-his-face.
-You know. The one from that film, um...
I think Daryl Hannah strangles him with her thighs, or something.
-She's either a mermaid...
-..or a robot?
-Harrison Ford? It rhymes with Harrison Ford?
-No, wait, what?
-I'm going to need to push you for an answer, ma'am - we've got 50 seconds!
-Is he the sexy one in Jurassic Park?
-Oh, Sam Neill?
-40 seconds! I'm going to make a guess, ma'am!
don't - you'll detonate it. It's got either a Y in it, or a G.
I tell you what - I'll Google it. Load up the old Nokia.
-Ma'am, it'll blow the place to pieces.
-Gosh, that is so like me.
Tip of my tongue.
If you don't give me this word in the next six seconds...
-Pretty Woman! He was in Pretty Woman!
Thank you. Right, the rear rotor arm, that's it - the rear rotor arm!
Slide it back under the optical cross-connect switch
and disconnect the red wire from the detonator.
Weapon neutralised, ma'am!
Good work, Agent Green. Didn't doubt you for a second.
Now get yourself out of there. I don't want another one of my agents
turned into a terrorist windsock.
I just need the code for the door!
I want to say Celine Dion...
DIFFERENT SAMBA MUSIC IN DISTANCE
ORIGINAL MUSIC STARTS
OTHER MUSIC INTENSIFIES
ORIGINAL MUSIC STARTS
OTHER MUSIC PLAYS
ORIGINAL MUSIC STARTS
OTHER MUSIC PLAYS
BOTH MELODIES PLAY OVER EACH OTHER
BOTH MELODIES PLAY OVER EACH OTHER
Thank you for coming so quickly(!)
I don't know what's wrong. It just sort of...
Oh, great(!) Just my luck.
Are you OK? You're not hurt or anything?
Just thought I'd get a priority service, what with being a woman, on my own.
Well, we're here within 30 minutes as promised, so...
I thought at least they'd send a...man.
Never mind. PC gone mad.
-Let's take a look at the engine, shall we?
-Finally - thank you(!)
I don't mean to be rude - we're not here to chat about chocolate and shoes.
OK, Looks like you've got air trapped in the coolant lines.
The whole system's overheated.
Oh, right. I'll call my husband. He'll give us a second opinion.
Well, the car's done about 70,000 miles, so that's spot-on for a blown head gasket.
Darling? Yes, the breakdown man's here, only, well - you talk to HER.
Tell him what you think's wrong - he'll be able to help.
Right, yeah, I see. OK, thank you, bye.
What did he say?
He said he's a primary school teacher and doesn't know
a thing about cars, so you should just leave it to the experts.
So when are they getting here?
OK, I'm just going to, er, call the tow truck,
get you off to a garage.
Calling for backup - at last.
Hello. Yeah, I need a tow truck.
Let's get it on the truck.
This is... This is ridiculous!
You can't possibly... You're a...woman!
I'm going to flag down some proper help.
Mind the road!
Can I get some proper hel...
Oh, you've got to be kidding me?!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Ingrid Oliver and Lorna Watson star in more character comedy sketches.
This show includes a forgetful spy; two very competitive old ladies; supermarket shopping with a Brazilian carnival dancer; and how to get hold of a proper cup of tea. Plus there's some controversial Danish knitwear in Watson and Oliver's own version of The Killing, and a rather surprising guest appearance from Claire Balding...