Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show with tall tales and tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a heavyweight boxer who, Lee was telling me earlier,

he could definitely, definitely take in a fight, it's David Haye.

And a comedian and former maths teacher -

when he goes to a gig 200 miles away on a train travelling at 70mph,

he knows exactly what time he'll get there - it's Romesh Ranganathan.

And, on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a musician who once had 300 girls faint at his gig.

That happened to me once -

the St John's ambulance chalked it up to boredom and poor ventilation.

It's Martin Kemp.

And the hottest thing to come out of the Great British Bake-Off

since a burnt brioche in Bread Week, it's Mel Giedroyc!

So, we begin with Round One - Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

David Haye, you're first up tonight.

I refuse to play my son at tennis since he beat me at the age of five.

How old is he now? He's eight now.

So, you've not played him for three years? No.

Because you really don't like losing?

I hate losing. Particularly to someone so small

and who laughs hysterically as they're doing it.

I've seen some of your opponents, you don't mind boxing them.

I take him to the park sometimes for him to play other adults

and take great pleasure in watching him beat them.

MEL: Aaah. That's one of my favourite things to do, just to go up to them

and say, "Bet you can't beat him," and they're like, "OK, how much?"

I'm like, "How much you want to bet?"

This is lovely, so you're sort of pimping him out as a...

He gets 10% of it.

Yeah. Has he got, like, Lego and stuff?

I mean... Nah, he's very active.

He had a lesson with Boris Becker the other day.

What? He was being his coach, yeah. Were you watching?

That must be terrifying for Boris Becker, like,

"You're doing really well, really, really good.

"Please don't kill me."

What's your boy's name? Cassius. Cassius. Yeah.

So, he's Cassius Haye? Yeah.

I just want to know... Where did you get that idea?

With my kids, I was one of those fathers that, everything they did,

I let them win, you know? Did none of that come into it?

There's no fun in that, though, mate.

What's really enjoyable is really crushing them, like, if I...

If I was you, I would've gone away and had secret tennis lessons,

then casually just gone, "Do you want to have a knock-about?"

then SLAM! "How about that?!

"Where's Boris now?!"

Did you have to pay Boris, or was it a favour?

No, it was a favour. He heard through the grapevine

about Cassius being a good player.

One day you know you're going to get the call, don't you?

GERMAN ACCENT: "Hello, David...

"Perhaps you remember what I did for your son.

"Now is payback time.

"I'm stuck in a cupboard."

Could happen, could happen.

So, what are you going to say, Lee? Truth or lie?

What do we think? What do you think, Martin?

I think it's true, because...

You're not listening, are you? You're undressing him.

Lee, I'm sorry.

She's looking straight past you. Mel, have some sympathy for the man.

No, I... He's got to sit there all night.

Now I know how Tony Hadley feels.

So, what are you going to say?

The Boris Becker seems a bit extraordinary for me.

Mel is saying Lie. Martin Kemp.

I'm saying True. You're saying True. True, Lie...

We'll go with Martin and say... You're going to say it's true?

True. OK, David, Truth or Lie?

It's true.

THEY CHEER

Wow.

It's true, David does refuse to play his son at tennis since he beat him,

aged five. Mel, it's your turn.

Um, when I was a child,

the only thing that would get me to sleep

was my parents reading me the takeaway menu

from our local Chinese restaurant, The Flying Chopstick.

David's team.

At what age was this?

I'd say it kicked off at seven, and probably lasted about a year.

Was it read out in any type of accent?

No. Well, my dad... When you say any type...

Any type of Chinese accent... There's one specific one...

If they read it in a French accent, it's be like...

"That's quite surreal, isn't it? But I'll go with it."

My dad is half Polish, half Lithuanian,

so it had a sort of Eastern European tinge.

Could you give us a kind of little rendition?

So, it'd be something along the lines of, um...

This'll be interesting.

It'd be something like... We'll just separate ourselves

from the person doing the routine.

You know what'll be in the clip when it comes on the news.

So, Dad would say, for example...

"Black bean with chop suey," something like that.

"Black bean..."

Was your dad the fella from Sesame Street?

AS THE COUNT: One! One pork balls! Ha-ha-ha!

Two lovely pork balls!

Ha-ha-ha!

You know, lychee...

Lychee for the ends of the menu...

Yeah, I know that.

The Flying Chopstick just serve a single lychee, don't they?

Lychees! It was a staple, it was the '70s,

things were a little bit sparse then, it was...

Wilson's, you know...

Things Are Hard. I can't remember his speech,

but you know the one I mean - "Things are terrible..."

Wilson's things are hard. Wilson's "Things Are Hard..."

Harold Wilson, "Things are Hard". Yeah, yeah.

"We've only got lychees! Things are hard, we've only got lychees, guys!"

How far into the menu would you drift off?

That's a very good question. That's why I asked it. Yeah.

My eye would be sort of fully open, like that, a little bit like...

One, just one eye open?

One eye open. Right. Always looking, always just checking,

and then I would, say, by the end of the first page,

the eye would be down.

So, you used to go to sleep half a face at a time?

Can you remember the first time that this happened?

It would've been...

I think it was on Friday night, Mum and Dad would've been entertaining,

and I laughed a lot and then fell asleep.

So, what do you think, then?

David Haye, how is this striking you?

The detail... The fact that she knew straight away

that it was a Friday night.

You don't remember what day it was when you were seven. Oh, I do.

I can't remember last week. I get punched in the head for a living, but...

But, David, they did it a lot, there was rep...

They did it a lot. Repetition, eh? Repetition.

So I knew the menu back to front cos they had to do it so often.

Well, as it's Chinese, it would be that way, wouldn't it?

Romesh, what are you thinking?

I think it... No, I don't buy it.

David? Actually, we've got two Davids.

We'll call you The Haymaker and The Librarian.

What are you thinking, David?

Well, I think I don't believe it.

I like the system you've got there.

"We're going to call you The Haymaker and The Librarian.

So, what do you think, David?"

I think... I don't think she's...

At the age of seven,

I think a seven-year-old child will require a coherent story.

All right, so you're saying it's a lie? Well, let's find out.

Mel, Truth or Lie?

The story was, in fact...

a Lie!

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Carlos.

David Haye, what is Carlos to you?

This is Carlos, and I accidentally knocked him down

in a boxing demonstration.

Romesh, how do you know Carlos?

This is Carlos. I once broke my strict vegan diet

because I didn't want to offend him.

And finally, David Mitchell, your relationship with Carlos?

This is Carlos, he came to my house to deliver a pizza,

but we ended up building a bed together.

So, there we have it.

Is Carlos David Haye's boxing buddy, Romesh's diet destroyer,

or David Mitchell's DIY delivery guy?

Lee, where do you want to start?

Uh, David Haye, The Haymaker.

Where was this demonstration?

Um, it was at my gym. At your gym.

At my gym in Vauxhall. And you were demonstrating as...?

I was demonstrating. He works in a school

that I used to go to when I was a kid,

and the kids came to the gym to do a boxing demonstration.

Oh, I see. And he got in the ring,

and I do this thing where I let people punch me

and I don't punch them back, and they get points

if they can hit me in the face, because I'm really quick.

OK. And, as I was doing that, I kind of put my arm out and...

Jabbed. I don't normally hit people, I'm quite controlled,

but this time it just sort of hit him, and...

He wasn't "knocked-out" knocked-out, like asleep,

but he was knocked on the floor.

What did the kids do? They was laughing their heads off...

Were they? So, basically, you have said to this poor man...

Yeah... "Come in the ring, hit me in the face," and you've gone

"Honestly, I won't hit you back." I promised him I wouldn't hit him back, yeah.

And you hit him back. Yeah. I've done it hundreds of times and never hurt anybody.

For those who... I mean, I'm a bit of an authority,

but for those who don't know much about boxing, could you show us?

Could you just demonstrate what sparring is?

Imagine you're you, and, say, Rob is Carlos...

I can't, I can't,

I can't... You can do it, you can do it. All right, I'll do it.

You are tall. I'm six-one, you must be...

Nothing sudden. OK, what we were doing...

We had the gloves on, he was punching me,

and I'm sort of blocking, so he's trying to hit me.

So, shall I try and hit you? Yeah, you can try and hit me.

I can try and hit you? What are you going to do back to me?

That's all I want to know.

Oh, ha-ha! I had you then, didn't I?

Watch that one, watch that one. Oof!

Oh, he's getting ready to hit me, I can feel it. I can feel it.

Can I give you one in the stomach? Go on, then. Ready?

Ready, here we go, ready? ALL: Ooh!

HE SCREAMS

I was going to give you a gentle one back.

I don't want a gentle one back.

No, no, no! It was very nice, thank you very much.

As I said, I get back what I give you.

MEL: That was hard...

All right, who do you want to ask next?

OK, so... Well... Romesh. You broke your vegan diet to be polite?

Yes. OK, so where were you?

I was in a restaurant.

And who is this gentleman to you?

He worked at the restaurant. OK.

MEL: What was it called, do you remember?

Yes, it was called Benito's Hat.

What did you order, Romesh? I went for a burrito, a vegetable burrito.

So, it's Mexican food?

It is Mexican, yes, Martin, I didn't know you were a connoisseur.

And what was it he made you eat?

Well, he.... I was sitting eating my burrito on my own,

it was quite a dark scene,

and then he came over and he said, "You're the comedian, aren't you?"

Or he said, "You're a comedian," and I said, "Yes, I am."

And he said, "We've got this for you."

And... What was it? It was, like, this sort of...

I don't what it's called, it was like a dessert,

but it looked like it had more dairy in it

than I'd ever seen in my life before.

And dairy is not good for a vegan, they don't like dairy.

It invalidates... You lose the badge.

Are there any vegans on the panel? I'm not a vegan. I'm not a vegan.

Not a vegan. So... You're a vegan? DAVID HAYE: I am.

David Haye's a vegan!

I eat a plant-based diet.

A plant-based diet.

I picture you like a brontosaurus, pulling trees up by their roots,

just grabbing at the tall leaves.

Brontosauruses are vegans. I know, that's why I said it.

Yeah, they don't...

Shall we change your blanket?

So, it's a free dish, because he likes your comedy and...

Yeah. So, he says, "Oh, we've got this for you."

And I just sort of felt under pressure, you know,

he was, like, he'd done a really nice thing.

They'd cut the slice out of somewhere and they'd decorated it

and they'd done a little thing with it, and I just thought,

I don't want to go, "You've offended my sensibilities."

So, how did it taste? I mean... Incredible.

It was good. It was one of the best things I've eaten in a long time.

I was vegetarian for about ten years,

and I always said, "Nope, I'm not going to eat that, I'm vegetarian."

Yes, ordinarily, if you're at a party or something and someone says, "Do you want this?"

Had you been drinking? No, I'd not been drinking, no.

DAVID HAYE: You could use that as an excuse.

Uh... Is that the type of vegan you are?

3 o'clock in the morning, eating a kebab, just, "I'm drunk, mate."

What about...? He's called David.

Little David. Oh, the bed story.

Right, so... He called for a pizza,

Carlos came round delivering the pizza

and they ended up building a bed together.

Right. Ha! Well, what...?

Was the bed a flatpack then? Come on!

Is that how it came...? It was a flatpack, yeah.

Was it for yourself? No. Who was it for?

It was for my parents.

Had they not visited before?

Uh... Well, they had visited before, but not...

They would sleep standing up?

They'd not stayed the night before in that house.

"We wanted to keep things on a formal standing."

Do you think David orders pizzas?

I can't imagine him ordering a pizza.

It's amazing the things that people won't believe of me.

I can't you imagine him ordering a pizza. Orders pizzas?!

Yes. Well, what else... He does?

What else would he do in a situation where he needs food quickly?

I think he'd order some sort of Roman feast, or a...

I don't know. Or a Tudor meal.

I agree, I agree, but those sort of shops

have been closing down at quite a speed recently.

I can't imagine him just ordering a pizza... A Tudor meal?!

I could just speed dial Tudor Meal.

"I'll just have the Tudor meal number four.

"With extra wrens."

So, he knocks on the door. When he knocks on the door, did you immediately...

Did you have a plan that, when the pizza man comes around,

you're going to ask him, or is it a spur-of-the-moment thought?

Well, the body of the last pizza man was beginning to smell, so...

You murder one pizza man, then you have to murder another pizza man,

that's the domino effect. I... The bed was...

Sorry, carry on.

And you'd been trying to make this bed on your own?

I had. Which bit had you got to?

I'd managed to get the sort of side bits in the bedhead bit.

Right. And some of the kind of slats were more or less in place.

Let's be honest, you've almost finished, then.

You'd put the slats on already, but you still hadn't done the bottom.

Yeah, I couldn't... You didn't do the slats at the end?

Put the slats on before you attach the two side bits...

What else had you done? Had you also made the bed and plumped the pillows?

I mean... How far had you gone in the wrong order of all this?

So, the doorbell goes, "Here's your pizza...

"Oh, it's you! Hello, mate."

"Here it is, extra pepperami."

"There's the money." You give him the tip...

I haven't given him the tip yet.

The tip happens later.

I give him a much... Oh, my God.

"I want you to come to my bedroom, and then...

"..there may be a tip in it for you."

Er, no, I come to the door, quite hassled.

I think possibly holding two or three random pieces of wood.

Um... Yes? And I say, "I'm terribly sorry,

"but could you just help me with something...

"..for a minute? I'm just trying to assemble a piece of furniture."

Right. "And I just need someone to hold the other end

"while I shove something in."

I can't... I can't vouch that those were my exact words.

All right, well, we need an answer.

We need to rule one out, that would help.

You could just rule one in, and then that's quicker.

I'd rule Little David out.

Definitely. Rule Little David out?

Yeah. Well, then we're left with The Haymaker, let's say,

brutalising the teachers in a one-sided fight,

or Romesh... I mean this in the nicest possible way, Romesh,

but your face doesn't scream "accommodating".

So, what's it going to be, Lee?

Time to make a choice.

We want to go with David. The Haymaker.

We'll go with The Haymaker. You're going with The Haymaker.

Big David Haye, you're saying it's a teacher,

you accidentally knocked him down on the floor.

Yeah. OK. Yep. Carlos, would you please reveal your true identity.

Hello, my name is Carlos, and I made Romesh break his vegan diet.

Yes! Carlos is Romesh's diet destroyer.

Thank you very much, Carlos.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

BUZZER It's Lee.

In the last year, I have broken not one, but two world records.

David's team.

World records?

You heard it right.

What are they?

It's darts world records, actually.

The one sport I actually am not bad at.

Are they both in darts?

Both, yes. Both records are in darts, both world records.

And what are the two records in darts that you now hold?

I am the world record holder

for the most amount of number twos in a minute.

And I'm also the world record holder

for the most bull's-eyes in a minute.

But not just the bull's-eyes, the green bit, the outer 25 as well.

Right, so the most number twos in a minute...

Correct. ..and the most bull's-eyes. So, how many is it?

That's a good question. I can't remember.

The number twos, it's 18 number twos in a minute.

Yeah. And the bull's-eyes, or 25s, was 12.

Did you get an official, like, records adjudicator?

The Guinness Book Of Records were there, and...

You're saying that you're in the Guinness Book Of Records?

I'm going to be in the Guinness Book Of Records this year, yeah. How was it organised?

A television programme got involved, so they booked the people.

What television programme?

Know that programme that hasn't been on for 20-odd years?

Cheryl Baker. The new one, called Officially Amazing,

which is the children's version, on children's television.

Do you watch children's television?

I think the one you were talking about was also for children,

it's just you were a child then.

Oh, yeah.

And did they televise both of your records.

Did they think, "Cor, that twos one was good, let's have a look at that,

"vary that up by having him aim at the bull's-eye"?

Hmm. They told me in advance I could have a go at both world records.

I think, to be fair, the first world record,

the most number twos in a minute,

was a world record that had never been attempted before.

Oh, so there was no current...

There was no record to beat, so one would have won it, technically?

No, because they set a bar,

they say you to be at least a minimum standard.

It's not like your opponents.

You have to... No, don't anger him, don't anger him.

So, yeah, you have to reach a minimum standard,

and I think the minimum standard they said for that was 14.

But the bulls and 25s was an official record that did exist.

What was the previous record? 11. And you got...? 12.

What are you thinking, David? Well, what do you think?

Aah... It sounds quite plausible.

There's loads of those kids shows where they do those silly challenges...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't undermine my moment.

This wasn't a silly little challenge,

this was the world record.

Yeah, but as you say, it was a world record that...

The first one. Somebody's got to be the first one.

No, but the other one wasn't. Someone was there, did two...

The other one wasn't! Don't make me come over there, David!

The other one already existed, and was 11, set by an American.

Romesh.

I don't buy it. I just think that...

I think that they wouldn't let you go for two records in a show.

Officially Amazing, I've never heard of.

That isn't officially amazing, it's not official, nor is it amazing.

Oh! If it was a show called Vaguely Interesting, then...

OK, we'll say Lie. You're going to say Lie?

OK. Lee, world record holder, twice.

Truth or Lie?

It is, in fact...

true.

Yes, it's true.

Lee has broken two world records, and to prove it,

here's a clip of Lee doing just that.

Time is running out!

Come on, Lee. Get those darts in.

A perfect set!

In that attempt, you achieved...

12, which is a brand-new Guinness World Record!

Come on! Come on!

Yes, well done, Lee, world record holder.

Next...

BUZZER

..it's Martin.

I was once hospitalised after fooling around with a blow-up toy.

David's team.

What was the blow-up toy?

Well, it was a lilo.

A lilo? Just a normal flat lilo?

It was a normal flat lilo, but it had a bit sticking out of it

that held your margarita, like a cup-holder thing, on the edge.

Where were you, Club Tropicana?

We were somewhere very similar to that - Ibiza.

I was in the swimming pool, and...

You know when you put your arms up here, on your lilo,

as you're laying down? Yes.

And someone came up underneath my lilo, pushed it over,

and my arm completely goes out of socket, completely disjointed,

sticking out like an L-shape.

What happened to your margarita?

Spilt. How long did it take for your arm to heal up afterwards,

to get back to normal? Great question, David.

Well, I get out and I'm on the side of the swimming pool

and I'm in agony, screaming.

All the other tourists were trying to name

which tune it was that you were singing. Yeah.

So, anyway, my wife calls the ambulance.

Now, the ambulance that comes is one of those really small ones

that they have in Spain,

so when they tried to put me in the ambulance, I don't go in properly.

LEE: How small was it?

Because my arm's sticking out, and I can't get through the door.

So, the guy gets out the ambulance, the ambulance man,

and I'm screaming, and my wife is saying,

"Give him something for the pain! Give him something for the pain!"

So, the guy takes off his T-shirt, rolls it up into a little ball,

puts it in my mouth and says, "Bite on this."

I had to bite on his sweaty T-shirt to stop the pain.

Did that help with the pain? Well, it just stopped the screaming.

How long did it take to heal up?

I ask the question again, as you swerved it.

I had to go to hospital.

I understand that, but after you want to hospital,

how long did it take for your arm to get back to normal?

Oh, no! I had an operation.

I was in there... My client does not want to answer the question.

Once again... I'll tell you what happened...

I was in there, and...

You know...

Tell you what, there's nothing wrong with your knees.

I had to have the tendons sewn together.

Yeah. And you know when they wheel you into that recovery room?

And, as you wake up...

You'll know! ..as you wake up from kind of anaesthetic,

you get really cold, don't you? So, I'm shivering away in bed

and I'm saying to the people in the recovery room,

"Oh, I'm freezing, I'm freezing."

All of a sudden, this nurse, who was a huge, big woman,

hears me saying that from across the other side of the room and...

..she...

She hears me saying it across the other side of the room

that I'm cold, next minute she comes bounding across, lays on top of me,

saying, "I'll keep him warm, I'll keep him warm!"

It was like a terrifying version of Baywatch.

I repeat...

What kind of unorthodox medical procedures are going on over there?

So, how long did it take you to recover?

I'm just thinking, Martin,

that if we wanted to bring this to life, to visualise it...

MEL: Shall I be the nurse?

Mel, you should be the nurse.

Can I just say, I am only half...

Half-dressed? I can't reveal day-wear.

Even to lie on Martin Kemp?

Yeah, go on, I'll reveal day-wear.

So, you're lying down...

So, I'm lying down in bed. Watch your shoulder, now, Martin.

I'm lying down in bed...

All right. Saying...

Yes? "I'm freezing! I'm freezing!"

Very cold. He's very, very cold. Please. I'm freezing!

We need a nurse! We need a nurse! We need a nurse!

I've got my...

We need a nurse!

This is terrible. We need a nurse! Take your chance, woman!

Get on!

ALL: Oh!

Martin, are you all right? Yeah.

I'm so sorry. Oh, that's awful.

I'll tell you something, it was the last lilo I've ever got on.

So, how long did it take to recover from this injury?

Did that really happen?

Now, then.

What are you thinking? Truth or Lie?

I think it's pure fallacy.

Lie? I say, for sure, he's lying. Oh, yeah. Lie. We'll say Lie.

You'll say it's a Lie. Martin Kemp, Lie or Truth?

I think he means it's True.

What is that? I thought you were expecting Mel

to press your nipple and it would come up.

This much is true.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to two.

Thanks for watching. Goodnight.