Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where deception is the dish of the day.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, the woman who is to Sue Perkins

what Sue Perkins is to Mel Giedroyc - it's Mel Giedroyc.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. That's really sweet.

And, a comedian who's been making people laugh for more than

a quarter of a century. To put that in context, when he started,

George Michael was straight, the Berlin Wall stood

and David Mitchell's jacket was in fashion. It's Bob Mortimer.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with it.

And on David Mitchell's team tonight, he's the star of sitcom

Citizen Kahn, who came last when he appeared on Celebrity Mastermind.

It's that disregard for humiliation that makes him perfect for our show.

It's Adil Ray.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And he's a former member of Westlife who recently

spent three weeks in the bush.

I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere but this is a family show,

so work it out for yourselves. It's Kian Egan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We begin, of course, with Round 1. It's Home Truths.

Our panellists each read out a statement from the card

in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Mel, is first up tonight.

I once licked David Bowie's cake...

just to be close to him.

-David?

-I would have thought that was not a good way of being close to him,

but that was a way of being forcibly removed from his presence.

So, how did licking his cake bring you close to him?

Right. So, um, it was the 1980s.

I believe it was the year of the Glass Spider Tour.

-Yeah.

-I was working as a waitress...

in a cocktail bar.

-No.

-Not a Bowie song.

-I was going to say, I'm no expert

but that's not one of his.

-That much is true.

-Right.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

-So, Mel if you were working as a waitress.

-It wasn't a cocktail bar.

It was a cappuccino bar, because it was the '80s.

So I was working as a waitress in a cappuccino bar.

Hang on, was cappuccino popular in the '80s?

Yeah, they came in in the '80s, didn't they?

They arrived in Port Talbot a week last Thursday.

Anyway, I'm not quite good looking enough,

slash slim enough to be serving at tables.

-Oh, right.

-Did they tell you this? Did they say,

"I'm sorry, love, I can't have you serving the customers. I'm sorry."

"We're going to have to hide you round the back making the froth."

No, pretty...

Pretty much I was a washer-upper in the aforementioned cappuccino bar.

Now, massive excitement one day. I'm in the back doing the washing up,

the word is spreading like wildfire.

"Bowie's in, Bowie's in, Bowie's in."

-I saw him in profile, sitting...

-How did you see him from the kitchen?

..at the cappuccino bar. Because I could look through the door.

-You were allowed?

-Occasionally.

And all the customers went, "Ahhh!"

And she was grabbed back in again and manacled. "Argh!"

"Get back in the chocolate sprinkles bit!"

So, Bowie had ordered, let's imagine, I think it was

something like a sort of,

-SINGSONG:

-"A hot chocolate fudge slice, please."

Or something like that.

-Can we get on to the licking?

-Let's get on to the licking.

It's like Friday night in my house.

I thought, "I'm not going to get to say hello to him,

"because I'm not allowed to go out front and serve the man,

-"so what can I do just to feel that I have entered him..."

-Oh, my God.

.."in some way?"

-I mean, just...

-So, some of your DNA...

-I'm part of him.

..has been ingested by the great man.

Well, what sort of lick? Bearing in mind that this is very much

-a family show, do the lick for us.

-Plate.

-Yeah.

-Slice.

-Yeah.

-It would have been...

I'll just try and get back in the zone.

It would have just been a...

-Like a little cat, like a little cat.

-That's not what I imagined.

-I thought you would go up and down it a couple of times.

-No.

-Just a little, a polite lick.

-Just a touch.

It was full of homage and reverence for the great man.

And then obviously it went out and I never saw him again.

It wasn't long after that he was hospitalised, wasn't it?

All right, David, what are you thinking, could this be true?

Um. Well, it could be true, but...

You know, she started off as a waitress then she became...

A washer-upper.

I think it sounds so absurd and she's been so random I think

there's an element of truth to it, personally.

So, what are you going to say, David? Is it truth or is it a lie?

Well, one or the other.

I think on balance it's a lie.

You're going to say lie.

So, Mel, licking David Bowie's cake, true or was it a lie?

It is...

a great fat true.

APPLAUSE

Sorry.

Yes, it's true, Mel did lick David Bowie's cake

so she could feel closer to him. Bob, it's your turn.

The police once ordered me to leave town - unspecified -

because I was frightening the locals.

David's team, what do you think?

Could you give us some context, Bob.

Um, I'll give you the name of the town, it was Castle Douglas.

-Ah.

-Where is that?

-South west Scotland.

-And why were you in Castle Douglas?

-Um...

-Was it a tour or something?

No, it was a long time ago. I was only um,

17, 18, that kind of age. And er...

-A numerical age, that kind.

-Yeah.

Rather than iron or bronze. That's a different kind of age.

I was with two friends trying to get as close

to the Gulf Stream as I possibly could.

-What?

-What do you mean you wanted to get close to the gulf stream?

It seemed such an appealing, far off miraculous thing,

this hot stream of water so near us,

that it was hard to believe in it just from the text books.

But it's not like a spa, it's a massive flow within the ocean.

-Yeah...

-You can't see it.

Well, if you were at the Logan Botanical Gardens...

There's a lovely view of the Gulf stream?

No, no, but you can see the effects of the Gulf Stream, you know,

it's like a tropical gardens and so in that way you sense

the influence of the Gulf Stream.

ROB LAUGHS

I know all teenagers are absolutely mad on the Gulf Stream,

they can't get enough of it and its effect.

But that was one reason amongst many.

But the police of Castle Douglas

don't mind that teenagers all flock there

to admire the effect of the Gulf stream.

So, what was it that you did that, that put their noses out of joint?

We scared the locals, apparently,

because we were wearing very grotesque masks.

Why were you wearing masks?

If you go to a gardens, why would you wear a mask?

Oh, well here's the thing.

That's a perfect question.

Just before you answer it. Have a minute.

We were travelling in a Morris Minor and we were sleeping in the car.

There was three of us. There's me mate Harry Harryman, and Steve...

Steve Steveyman.

No. Steve, Bytheway.

He was called Steve Bytheway.

He was!

-Steve by the way? As in "incidentally"?

-Yes.

Anyway, we had these...

You're wearing these masks. Why were you wearing these masks?

Cos we didn't have anywhere to sleep and we were sleeping in the car.

-Right.

-They'd been given us by Harry Harryman's mum.

Yeah? To keep us warm at night.

Because of the heat generated.

-What, grotesque latex masks?

-Yes.

They were just old men masks but they were to keep us warm.

Harry Harryman's mum sold this stuff from home

and she sold another thing which was called a jobbletop, yeah?

Which was a bobble hat that made it into a jumper and the bobble

was at the back and it buttoned down the front and that was.

I'm telling you now, if this is a lie, and they end up saying lie,

I will say to you, "Why did you make it more difficult for yourself

"by mentioning the joggletop?"

Because I'm imagining my sleeping arrangements and thinking.

Yes, we had the latex masks on, and these giant, like,

-they were called jobbletops.

-Right.

So, if you were in a sleeping mask and you're scaring the locals,

like, normally the locals will be in bed when you're going to sleep,

and it's dark and you're in your car

-and you've got a scary mask on, you know?

-No, we were just...

-On our daytime drive from Dundee to Castle Douglas...

-With masks on.

-..as we went past people...

-To keep your faces warm.

..we were staring at 'em, with our scary masks on.

Why did you not remove, because I would say,

from my experience of sleeping all night in a classic car

in a Latex mask and a jobbletop

that you'd get quite clammy.

And so in many ways it's quite a relief to take the latex mask off

for the next day's drive.

Not to mention how it helps being able to see where you're going.

No, of course we take the masks off in the morning

but then round about midday, you wanted to put it back on.

At what point did the police get involved?

Didn't the police get involved?

We parked up in Castle Douglas, right next to a shop

because we wanted to get one of their famous Scotch pies.

As we came out of the shop I was grabbed by a policeman -

and it was a sergeant, by the way.

Sergeant Bytheway?

APPLAUSE

So that's how you got away with it, you said,

-"Don't worry that's me dad."

-Maybe it was.

"I'm the sergeant by the way." "Daddy! Daddy!"

-So, the sergeant...

-By the way.

-By the way.

-He took me to the police station and...

-He arrested you?

Yes, taken and put in a room,

and then the sergeant and a plain clothes detective came in.

-Plain clothes detective?

-The CID have now got involved.

And then they said "You're going to have to wait here, we've sent for

"a specialist from Edinburgh."

And then, as we sat there, he came in and said,

"Right, what's with the funny faces?"

-They said,

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"What's with the funny faces?"

-So what did you say?

-We explained what had happened, that we had

these funny faces, that we slept in them

and that we're terribly sorry to have caused any offence.

So, presumably then they released you?

Sergeant Bytheway followed us

until we were out of the city limits.

That's my story. It was quite a holiday.

-What do you think?

-I know what I think.

I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

-That's not what I think.

Kian, what do you think?

I'm going to go untrue.

OK, Kian's going untrue, Adil's going true. David?

My initial reaction is it's a lie let's say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie.

-Bob Mortimer.

-Yes?

Was that story true or was it a lie?

It was...

true.

APPLAUSE

No! No faith in me. That's twice now!

Yes, it was true, the police did order Bob to leave town

because he was frightening the locals.

Right, Kian is up next.

The first time Westlife sang on Top Of The Pops, Louis Walsh

made sure we stood up from our stools at the right time

by hiding in the crowd and waving a banana above his head.

-Lee's team.

-What song were you singing?

-It was our first number one.

-Which was?

-Swear It Again.

-I know it, I'm just... I'm just....

-I'm sure you do.

So, I'm imagining you're on a stool,

-so you're doing a ballad.

-Yes. All Westlife's songs are ballads, Lee.

Why did he not say to you,

"When you get to a key word in the song, all stand up."

Why could he not trust you to do it?

Don't you know that songs are extremely repetitive?

Oh, I know yours are. No, I'm sorry, sorry.

-That's what makes them work!

-I'm joking, I'm joking.

They were moving.

I know! I'm a massive Westlife fan. I'm not in any way saying I wasn't.

I'm saying why couldn't you stand up at the key word to the song?

Oh, I see what you mean, cos you're saying the same words over and over.

Yeah. There's a certain point that he wanted us to do it, but like,

I think the problem for us is, you know, you're so nervous

you're on Top Of The Pops for the first time and we were number one.

In Top Of The Pops world, I remember they always had

really trendy people dancing to make the whole thing look sort of cool.

-Yeah.

-Was Louis dressed trendily, did he fit in with the audience?

-Was he dancing?

-He would. He was, like, behind the cameras.

He wouldn't be in front of the camera waving a banana, would he?

I thought he was in front of the camera waving a banana.

-No, no.

-He wasn't doing that.

-Because if everyone can see the cue

you might as well shout, "Get off your stool!"

That would do the same thing.

But how did he cover it in case you were looking in the camera

rather than looking behind the cameras?

No, you can see a banana in your peripheral vision.

Look out to the back of the crowd, Bob.

If someone was to hold up a banana, do you think you'd see it?

-Somebody is!

-Somebody's doing it.

Stand up, stand up!

-That's brilliant.

-That is bizarre.

Why don't we try and recreate the moment?

Here's what would happen, the three of you would go out front...

-Out front?

-..and you'd lean.

I'm not wearing any trousers!

And you'd lean on the desk, and when I wave my banana in the air

you three will stand up together.

One for you. One for you.

Enjoy it, David. Round to the front.

Come on, lads. I think I should be in the middle.

No, by all means. Please, I will cede the captaincy.

I did spend 14 years on the side, you know?

At least I should be in the middle now.

APPLAUSE

Are you going to wave the banana?

I'll tell you what, the girl who's got the banana can wave the banana.

OK, here they are, a newly formed Westlife, with You Raise Me Up.

SONG: You Raise Me Up

-Watch out for the banana.

-Yeah, I am doing.

ALL: # You raise me up

# So I could stand on mountains

# You raise me up

# To walk on stormy seas... #

Well done, well done.

Beautiful.

Lee. What are you thinking? Was it true? Did Louis do that?

-You know when you think "I'm not sure, we need to see it again."

-Yes.

Afraid we don't have the time, what's it going to be? Truth or lie.

-Bob, what do you think?

-Well, when I recorded my first shows

I did on telly, my camera had a banana on it, so I knew what camera

to look at, so I'm thinking maybe it's true.

-You think it might be true. Mel?

-I think it's a lie.

-OK, it's going to be a lie.

-You're going to say lie.

-Lie.

-I'm worried now. Pressure.

-OK, Kian. Truth or lie?

It was, in fact...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie. Louis Walsh didn't tell Westlife

when to stand up by waving his banana at them.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Richard.

APPLAUSE

So, Adil what is Richard to you?

This is Richard and we had spent an entire holiday hiding

from an angry Greek man because we got lost at sea in his boat.

OK. Kian, how do you know Richard?

I know Richard because basically Richard out bid me

at an auction for a waxwork of myself.

And finally David, your relationship with Richard.

This is Richard. He recently let me take control of his crusher,

and destroy a car.

So, there we are, Adil's boating buddy,

Kian's waxwork winner or David's car crusher.

-Lee, where do you want to start?

-Kian.

-Shoot.

What were you doing bidding for your own waxwork?

Well, put it this way, in my house back in Ireland I have a nice room

full of trophies and awards and stuff and my waxwork

was pretty decent. I thought, you know, why not?

-Was it was it Madame Tussauds?

-No.

-What was the waxwork?

It was a place called World Of Wax in Cork.

As opposed to World of Cork in Wax.

Had you ever seen this waxwork before?

We'd seen pictures of them online and stuff like that, you know.

But aren't I right in saying that when you do a waxwork,

-you model for them, actually.

-Well, if you go to Madame Tussauds,

that's what they do. But in the waxworks in...

In Cork they just get a candle and a hammer and go...

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, jeez, that'll do, right.

"Get me another big candle and a hammer."

You haven't said why Richard was bidding against you.

He was trying to get it for his mother.

-His mother.

-Why his mother?

-Cos his mother was a huge fan.

-Right. And what price did it go for?

I think about 3,500 in the end.

£3,500?

I'm not being rude but how much would you charge per day

to go round to his mum's and just stand there?

Because I reckon for two and a half grand

he could have got the real thing for the day.

-Lee, who else do you want to question?

-Adil.

You're in Greece you're on holiday, whereabouts in Greece?

-Um, Kavos.

-In Kavos.

-Yep.

-OK, and you rent a boat, do you?

-Yeah, from the Greek man.

-Right.

-Yeah.

-You go off, just the two of you.

-No, there was two other guys.

-Four of you in total.

-Yeah.

-MEL: What sort of boat was it?

Um, a speed boat thing,

that, you know, you go on holiday, you hire these speed boats.

What went wrong?

Well, um, the Greek man he told us not to go too far

but, you know, being lads you're on holiday, you have a bit of a laugh,

don't you? So, we were on the boat and we went as far as we can.

-Out to sea?

-Out to sea, past the buoys and all that.

-What boys?

Not boys, buoys.

So, we went out too far and um, we ran out of petrol, so, yeah.

So, it's me and Richard and these two other guys,

-we're on the...

-Can we have names for the other guys?

Can't remember. They were Scousers. You know, Scousers.

-SCOUSE ACCENT: Terry and Barry.

-Yeah, probably.

So what happened? You eventually got back.

Well, eventually. Pitch black. And then we got rescued by a fisherman.

We got towed to the er, shore bit.

And then we got there and the Greek man - the angry Greek man -

was angry with us.

We couldn't understand him, he just kept on doing this to us.

That means your time's up, surely.

-Lee, what about David's story?

-Oh, yes, David.

David, just remind us of your connection.

I said that Richard let me take control of his crusher.

-Oh, yeah.

-And destroy a car.

-Right. Where was this?

It was in London.

How did it come about that you were taking control of the crusher?

I was walking along one of London's streets.

And a football bounced out in front of me.

-Can you imagine that?

-Yes.

You do know you're not reading

-the Bedtime Story on CBeebies, don't you?

-Yeah, I know.

You had a magical tone to your voice then, it was lovely to see.

So, the ball has bounced out...

Yeah, and I sort of looked at where this ball's come from

and it's come from a sort of place where they crush cars,

-you know, a breakers yard.

-So did you have the pressure of,

"Oh, no, I'm supposed to kick this back but I'll never be able

"to do it. I'll pick it up and hand it to them on a cushion."

No, no, I was keen to kick it back(!)

No, of course not! Yes, I picked it up

-because I thought I would present it back to them like a vase.

-Well done.

Anything not to have to interact with it in a sporty way.

And, at this point, Richard was wandering out of the breakers yard

and I, you know, sort of, awkwardly hand him the ball.

-And he recognises me from television.

-Oh, big head.

-Yeah.

And him and his friends ask if they could have a photo with me,

because of my fame. And, I think, beauty.

And so they take a photo and, you know, all fine and then he says,

"Would you like a go on the crusher?"

And the reason he says this, he said,

"It would be a good thing to say you'd done on Would I Lie To You?",

and it occurred to me that he was right.

And it's very easy.

The car got plonked in and you press the crusher button.

-And what actually happens?

-And it is just remarkable.

Is it just like Jaws?

I don't mean the film. I mean, is it like that, is that how it works?

-Yes, exactly.

-That's an epic moment in your life. I agree that would be

a big thing to be able to say. I'd remember it really clearly if it

happened to me, I wouldn't even hesitate if I was asked

the next question, I'd be able to say it straightaway, what kind of car was it?

It was...it was a Citroen Picasso.

Right, and what colour was it?

Green.

There was something about the way he said that where your lips

committed to it before your brain had.

"Green."

We need an answer here. Lee's team, is Richard

Adil's boating buddy, Kian's waxwork winner,

or David's car crusher?

-Look at Richard's face.

-Yes.

-He says many things, doesn't he?

But what he doesn't say to me is car crusher.

Absolutely. I think he's Adil's friend.

-You think he's Adil's friend based on?

-They're neat, they're both neat.

-They're neat.

-Mel is going for Adil. Bob's going for?

-Adil.

We're going to have to go for Adil. I'm not going to argue with team.

Richard, would you please reveal your true identity.

Hi, I'm Richard. Adil and I upset a Greek man

when we got lost at sea in his boat.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Richard.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It is Lee.

When my kids were younger, I designed a special system

for remembering which Teletubby was which.

David's team.

-OK.

-Name the Teletubbies.

-Name the Teletubbies?

-Yeah.

All right. Right. You had...Kian -

no, that's Westlife, hang on.

Po, Laa-Laa,

Tinky Winky, and Dipsy.

And, Stuart Sutcliffe but he left before Ringo.

-Do you know what colours each of them are?

-Oh, you...

bet.

You've got Po who is red.

Po is red, OK.

Yes. Er...Dipsy isn't.

-Neither's Tinky Winky.

-Tinky Winky.

And I'll say the same about Laa-Laa.

So this system for your kids was just to find out which one was red?

No, Po was the red one, the green one is Dipsy, Laa-Laa is yellow.

-And who have I missed?

-Tinky Winky.

-Tinky Winky is like a purple.

-But how would you know?

How do you know that they're those colours? You said you had a system.

-I have got a system, do you want to know the system?

-Yes.

Right, Po, I remember as being like a postbox, so that's red.

Laa-Laa sounds like yellow - well, it doesn't

but it sounds more like yellow than Po, Tinky Winky or Dipsy.

Tinky Winky, I sort of have a visual picture of him.

-A visual picture?

-Yeah. Yeah, visual picture of him with his willy out,

which I picture of him as his little Tinky Winky.

-Purple.

-Urgent and purple.

Dipsy sounds a bit like the deep sea, which is green.

It isn't, it's usually blue, but the deep sea is definitely more green

than it is purple, red or yellow.

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure about this willy thing

cos you were teaching your kids, weren't you?

No, I didn't say I was teaching my kids.

There's one thing that my family never do,

is we don't teach our kids anything.

My father before me, his father before him.

We haven't got where we are today by teaching each other things.

No, this was to just help me remember because I would often

say to the kids, "Pick Po up."

And the kid would go, "Ha, loser, it's Laa-Laa."

The tragedy of this moment is that as a result of this

I will now remember the colours of the Teletubbies.

-Thus proving the system works.

-Yeah. You've certainly got a system now.

I've got a system.

I will remember Po is red, because of a postbox, Dipsy is green

because it's like deep sea, which isn't green but might be,

Tinky Winky's got an urgent purple member, Laa-Laa is yellow

because it sounds more like yellow than the others even though

none of them sound like yellow.

I will never be able to forget that.

I'm not saying he's a purple member.

David, is the telling the truth?

What do you think?

You know, the thing that gets me is, like, of course

the system's completely and utterly daft, but he's pretty daft,

and, on top of that, he didn't get any of it wrong any time he said it.

He may just know the colour of the Teletubbies.

Because I think the system, effective though it's proved to be,

is just something he's invented. I think we've SEEN him invent it.

-Do you think it's true?

-No, I don't think it is, I agree with you,

I think he knows the colours of the Teletubbies because he probably has

watched it with his kids but I don't think he actually has a system.

-You think it's true.

-Oh, no, let's not go down this road again.

Well, basically I'm going with you, whatever.

I'm just not good at this game.

And I think if I go with you and it turns out you're wrong this time,

the only time I go with you, then I'm just going to find that funny.

I'm just going find it, you know, for like the very end,

like it's gone beyond tragedy and you just laugh at death.

So you're going to say lie.

Regardless of Kian. OK, you're saying a lie.

They're saying it's a lie.

-Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie?

-It was, in fact...

true.

DAVID LAUGHS MANICALLY

HE CONTINUES LAUGHING MANICALLY

-Calm yourself.

-I am so merry!

KLAXON BLARES

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by five points to nil.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is Bob Mortimer.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Bob Mortimer, who is what we call an excellent liar,

or what estate agents call a beginner. Good night.