Episode 8 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where economising with the truth pays dividends.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

an actress who's been in EastEnders so long

they actually built the set around her.

It's June Brown!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a woman who studied French and Philosophy at university

and is now a comedian and actress.

That was 30 grand well spent.

It's Aisling Bea!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team tonight,

a stand-up comic who admits that he can't do up a tie -

and by the look of him, can't use a hairbrush either.

It's Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a football presenter who once did a charity bike ride

from Newcastle to West Brom with Alan Shearer.

They were only supposed to go to Sunderland,

but Shearer insisted on finishing his anecdote.

It's Adrian Chiles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so we begin, as always, with round one - Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out

a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea what they'll be faced with

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Adrian, you're first up tonight.

I find nothing more relaxing

than making scented candles.

Lee's team, what do you think?

How long have you been doing this for?

I've been doing this for... Oh, about, about...

20, 24 seconds?

No...

I've been doing this for about two years.

What started you off? What happened two years ago

that you were so stressed, this is what you took to?

I had a... A friend of mine from Birmingham

was working in London during the week

and he came and he said, "Oh, I've been making candles."

And I went...

Yeah, your regular Brummie start to a conversation.

-He said...

-"All right, Adrian, yeah,

"I've just been making the candles, what have you been up to?"

It was something like that, actually.

He said there was a little shop near me in west London,

where you can get all the candle making stuff

and he told me how to do it and that sounds relatively simple.

I've never been able to do anything practical, anything arty or crafty.

I thought, perhaps this is the one poxy little thing I could do.

I've genuinely never... How do you make a candle? What do you...

-What does it come in, the...?

-What you...

-Shall I tell him?

-Do you know?

-Yes.

Do me a favour, don't tell him.

-What you do is this...

-Yeah?

You get, say you get a glass, say any...any glass

and then you melt your wax and obviously, it's come solid.

You melt it very gently in a saucepan, so it's liquid.

Where do you buy wax? Where do you go?

From a candle making shop, from a candle making shop.

Well, I've never seen any candle making shops.

No, neither had I, neither had I and I live...

Oh, I've... I've seen one, there's one just down the road, just near the butcher's and the baker's.

I... I've seen one of them.

No, that's the candlestick maker!

They're different?

-Obviously!

-They make candlesticks, not candles.

What's the difference between a candlestick and a candle?

You don't mean a candle...

A candlestick isn't some thing you... That's not a candelabra, you know.

-That's a candle holder.

-A candlestick is the thing you put the candle in, you idiot.

-No, no, no.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-A candlestick is a stick-shaped candle.

-No, it's not.

I've always assumed that the candlestick maker was

basically just the candle maker but they put the stick in for scansion.

No, I think the candlestick refers to the stick...

So you think that's the man...

That's not the man that makes the butcher for everyday meat,

baker everyday bread and the candlestick maker for...

Not the candles, you have to go out of town to get them...

But, for the things you put the candle receptacles...

-The opposite...

-..for the candles.

-I'm saying he makes the candles that are in the shape of a stick.

-Oh, I'm with you.

-He's saying... The candlestick...

-The candelabra.

..refers to the candelabra,

the actual thing that you put the candle in.

-I think...

-The Candelabra is separate to a candlestick.

What is a candlestick?

A candlestick is a single stick you put a candle in!

We've all had our say, let's refer to the expert.

June?

Is a candlestick the candle, or the thing you put the candle in?

I'm afraid it's the thing you put the candle in.

-The thing.

-Damn!

Get me Barbara Windsor!

Anyway, Adrian, you were saying?

Yes, so you melt the wax

and then you basically stick your wick in the...

..in the middle.

You stick your wick at the bottom of the jar,

and then the wick sticks up.

You might have to just hold the end of it, just to keep it stiff.

Then...

Then... I'm not making this up, honestly. Then...

Right, you've got your wax and you've put your scent

and your colour in the wax by this time and so...

And then you just pour it into the cup and...

Just to as high as you want it and then you let go and

the wick stays where it is, then

and then you've just got to let it cool down.

Right, now, now we know the process, June, is that how you make a candle?

-I don't know.

-I do, actually.

I'm not going to go with this as being the truth

just because he explained it, because if...if it's a lie,

I reckon he could have pretty much worked out you melt the wax,

add a bit of string and it goes hard.

-No, but all those things like holding it...

-He was quite, yes...

..and knowing to... Those things...

How would Adrian Chiles know that, otherwise?

He did used to present The One Show.

-AS ADRIAN:

-Coming up next, we've got a fascinating feature on candles.

So what do you think - truth or lie?

-What do we think?

-I think truth.

-You think it's true?

-I don't think so.

I think it's a lie,

but don't take my word for it.

I'm going to go with whatever you say.

-Oh, don't do that.

-I'm not putting any pressure on you.

-No, of course not.

-Whatever you say, I will say.

Just go "one, two, three" and say something.

-OK. You're saying "true".

-True.

-..three, true.

-True.

-True.

True, but I've never been very good with timing, sorry.

No, it's... Oh, it's a lie, but never mind.

What?!

I was about to say "true"!

I was about to say "true".

We're going to go with lie, I trust you.

You're going to say "lie". OK, Adrian Chiles, candle maker -

truth or lie?

It is...

-true.

-Oh, I knew it!

Yes, it's true. Adrian does find making scented candles relaxing.

-June, you're next.

-Oh, crikey.

I once went skinny dipping

with Sharon from EastEnders.

David's team.

Where did you go skinny dipping?

-Greece.

-And why were you on the beach

with a co-star of the show?

Well, we had gone on holiday together

and Tish was very worried, because of photographers, you see?

And every time a camera went off -

there weren't phones then, but there were cameras -

and there's a flash, Tish would think she was being photographed.

And we should say, June, that when you say "Tish",

-that's Letitia Dean, who plays Sharon.

-Yes, that's right.

So Letitia stripped off for this skinny dipping?

Well, why are you so interested in that?

Why aren't you interested in me?

LAUGHTER

So, when was this happening?

Well, it was about 1988, I'd say...

-Right.

-..might have been '89.

And why did you decide to go swimming naked,

rather than wearing swimming costumes, as is conventional?

Because there was nobody else on this beach,

except a lot of poles -

well, not...

They're people too, June, they're people too.

..that were awaiting umbrellas.

Were you drinking?

No.

She was driving.

She drove into the sea?

My God!

What are you thinking, David?

Well, I think this is basically a plausible story.

People have been nude in their life.

Even I have, on occasion, been nude...

David, David. Let's not, please.

I'd like to sleep tonight.

Have you ever been skinny dipping, David?

Is it something you've ever done?

Um, no.

-Unless...

-You've never, never...

Unless I pick up a card later that says I have.

Can I ask one more question, do you mind?

What factor sun cream did you wear as you went in?

-I don't think I had any on.

-Oh.

It's not responsible really, is it?

-Well, I...

-Again, this isn't The One Show.

You're not presenting a feature on sun care.

-AS ADRIAN:

-Do remember if you are popping in with your tinkle out,

to cover up with a bit of sun cream.

Anyway, Giles Brandreth has been investigating teddy bears.

So what are you going to say? What do you think, truth or lie?

What do you think?

If you're worried about cameras,

it's not the first thing you think of -

let's go and find a beach and get our kit off

-and get in the sea in broad daylight.

-Yeah.

-I think "lie". Lie.

-I would go with "lie".

-And..."lie". We think "lie".

-You think "lie"?

-Lie.

OK. June, were you telling the truth

or were you telling a lie?

I was telling...

-the truth.

-Ooh!

Well done, that's very good.

Yes, that was true,

June did go skinny dipping with Sharon from EastEnders.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest -

Marie.

APPLAUSE

So, Aisling,

what is Marie to you?

This is Marie.

She once booked me a stripper

and it went so badly that I spent the rest of the night

trying to cheer him up.

OK.

June, how do you know Marie?

Well, I call her Mar-ee, you see,

because Marie is going to play the young Dot

in a spin-off of EastEnders

called Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years.

LAUGHTER

OK.

And finally, Lee - what's your relationship with Marie?

This is Marie.

She once asked me to pop into her house

to get rid of a spider.

Ten minutes later, she asked me to leave,

because I was making matters worse.

All right, there you have it.

Aisling's party planner,

June's acting apprentice,

or Lee's damsel in distress.

David's team, where would you like to begin?

-Aisling, the...

-Yeah?

Marie hired you a stripper?

Yes. Now she's my friend, one of my best friends, yeah.

-Right, and why?

-It was my birthday party,

and there was about 40 to 50 people in the room,

and, er...then the silence came.

And this wasn't just because people had nothing to say to each other?

-No, it...

-This was... There was someone had gone...

No, it wasn't one of your parties, David.

So it goes quiet.

Then what happened?

And out came a fireman.

And I...I was in... I was in total shock

and he gave a CD of his music

to my flatmate.

Oh, so the CD wasn't already in the CD player?

-Oh, no it was, he had given it, so...

-Oh, he had given it, right.

-So, yeah.

-Right, so he didn't come in brandishing it, saying...

No, he didn't come in.

"Track five. Move it on to six when I get down to my pants."

My flatmate put it into my laptop

and at the time, every time my laptop got a new CD, it...

After about seven seconds of music,

it would automatically start writing the CD.

You know, when it takes on the song?

So this fireman came out. I was shocked and it started going...

SHE HUMS A TUNE

Silence.

The music stopped as he was taking off his jacket.

-Yeah?

-And I could see a sadness in his eyes.

And what happened?

He took out a banana out of his satchel and started to peel it.

-Oh, all right.

-And he was, you know....

-Easy now, easy.

-..and I...

I looked at it and I was trying to eat healthier at the time

and he gave it to me like this and I just went,

"Oh, thank you very much." Om.

And he was like, "No, you weren't supposed to eat it,

"you're supposed to lick it", and I was like,

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."

I think I'm in the wrong programme.

This poor little girl is standing here for ever,

what's it got to do with her, I want to know.

She... Marie booked me the stripper

and she was also really disappointed...

Oh, you naughty girls.

..because they'd all chipped in a tenner

and Marie had spent ages looking for, um...

looking for a nice fit policeman

and she opened the door and she was really disappointed,

cos a little bit of a tubby fireman turned up

and that is not what she'd ordered.

So how did it end?

Oh, well, after the banana incident, he went for the next bit,

which was the whipped cream and he covered himself in whipped cream

and again, I was trying to... I'd cut out dairy out of my diet.

He put it on his chest and that's covered in baby lotion as well,

so I was a bit like, that's disgusting.

Because you didn't lick off the cream,

that meant that he would have had to take that off,

-which is the saddest image...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

..of all time - a stripper, just upstairs, going, "Oh, God."

But he put loads of it on him.

Do you think that's why he was so tubby,

that he was for ever having to...?

APPLAUSE

All right, David,

who would you like to move on to?

Well... June,

what's the broad outline of

Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years?

Well, they've done this before, haven't they?

They had a young Lou and a young Ethel,

years and years and years ago

and they decided they'd have a young Dot,

to show what she was like before she was married.

Dot, you see, she was apprenticed into hairdressing

and what happened was,

she used to go round on a motorbike with a sidecar -

this was before she married Charlie.

She met him, actually, because she nearly knocked him down

with the motorbike and the sidecar

and that's unfortunately how she met Charlie.

So she used to go round to her customers on the motorbike.

Can I ask, have they filmed this yet?

No, no, no, it's about to happen.

-Oh, I see.

-You know what they're like and I don't know

how many episodes it'll be.

So what advice did you give Marie?

Well, I explained about her foibles and her oddnesses, you know?

And her precision, her...

She's pernickety and she's quite difficult, really.

She was quite nasty at the beginning.

She's become so lovely now, I don't know what's happened to her.

So anyway...

Oh, I hope it's true now.

-That's really what it was...

-Which it isn't, cos mine's true.

You do both have lovely high cheek bones.

So, Lee - how do you know her?

Marie lives next door.

What, she's your next door neighbour?

Well she's my next door neighbour's, um...nanny.

Right, OK.

Not grandmother, obviously. That would be crazy.

How big was the spider?

The spider was... Including the legs?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

The spider was, I would say, about that big, with legs.

Well, did she come round and knock on the door, or...

How did she alert you to the crisis?

She, er... She came round and knocked on the door.

What, leaving the children and the spider unattended?

-Yes.

-And what were you doing?

I was at home just watching television, you know?

-Just like you do, watching a bit of...

-So what time...

-Bit of EastEnders, as it goes.

-Well.

-What time of day was this?

(What time is it on?)

-(7.30.

-7.30?)

It was about 7.30 till 8.

So it was in the evening and, erm, Marie knocks at the door...

-LEE KNOCKS DESK

-..you go and answer the door...

What did she say?

She said...

FRENCH ACCENT: "Lee..." She's French.

She is!

FRENCH ACCENT: "Lee, you must come very quickly."

"Pourquoi?" I said.

FRENCH ACCENT: "There is a spider in my house, I am very frightened."

LEE GASPS

"Mais oui," I said.

So I said, "I'm not, you know,

"I'm sort of watching Dot Cotton, my favourite, you know?"

FRENCH ACCENT: "I don't know this character, I've only just arrived.

"Last time I was here, it was Dirty Den."

No, so we just made light conversation about, I just said...

Yeah, you made light conversation despite her distress,

despite the fact that she's leaving unattended children in a house

-with an arachnid she finds terrifying.

-Yeah.

-And so you go in the house...

-Yeah.

-Where's the spider?

-Exactly.

"Ou est la spider?" I said.

And, she said...

FRENCH ACCENT: "It's in the back room, in the back room."

-Bathroom?

-It's in the back room?

No, that's what I said, I said, "No, it's bathroom," and she went,

"Oh, thank you, I've learned something."

-And then she went upstairs to the bathroom...

-Yep.

-..and she said,

"It's under that thing there."

What... What was...?

There was a little corner cabinet.

She goes, "It's under there, it's under there", so I said,

"Stand back," but I'm actually a bit frightened of spiders.

So I was trying to play it cool, like I'll sort it out,

but was terrified of what I might see.

So I asked if she had any, er...

like, brooms and stuff and she passed me the broom.

So I get the stick and I try and move the thing

and as I'm moving the thing,

the vase that was on top fell over and smashed.

AISLING GASPS

-Now, that was just the start of my problems.

-Oh, God.

Put it this way, have you ever seen that episode of Mr Bean

where he tries to catch a spider?

-No.

-Good, I'll use that then. So...

APPLAUSE

No. So I... So the vase smashes.

-Now... Now the child comes in, sees me...

-Oh, oh.

I panicked, saw the broken vase, saw the child with no shoes on

and just sort of went, "Whoa, whoa, get out!", like that -

a bit, bit too assertively

and the child started crying.

-ALL:

-Aw...

-FRENCH ACCENT: "Oh! Why do you make me cry so?"

-Hang on...

No, no.

The child was not French.

No, no, that's what I said. I said, he...

Let me finish. I said, "Are they French children?"

And she went...

FRENCH ACCENT: "No, but you know, the parents are never here,

"so they learn from me."

It's unbelievable - three years old, never been to France,

he's going... FRENCH ACCENT: "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.

"Why must I cry?"

Horrible.

What happened then?

She shepherds them out, like that.

So I got a bit more brave and I went over to the thing, like that now

and I just go for it, I just pull it like that.

The whole thing goes over, the drawer comes out

and things spill all over from the top drawer

and there's some awkward things in the top drawer,

because I am in the bathroom that Marie uses,

so it's her bathroom.

-I'm not going to go into detail.

-What sort of awkward things?

-I don't want to embarrass her, but...

-A Lee Mack video?

APPLAUSE

Some awkward things.

And did you at any point actually see the spider?

Well, that's the funny thing. No, I didn't.

But you know what size it was?

Yes. I did. Because she told me.

She told me, didn't she?

You described the size quite specifically.

Because I listen to women, Rob!

That's the difference between me and you.

That's why they go out with me,

because I listen to what they have to say.

I don't always go, "Did you see me in Gavin and Stacey?"

No, I'm interested in their lives, Rob -

in their lives and their fears!

It's not all about you!

APPLAUSE

All right, well, is Marie

Aisling's party planning friend,

June's acting apprentice,

or Lee's damsel in distress?

Well, I'm pretty sure that Lee doesn't listen to women, so...

But what do you think?

Um, what Lee's saying is obviously, er...

-It's just not true, is it?

-No.

Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years?

No. Aisling's absolutely sold me on this.

I can see you struggling with that banana, it's...unquestionably...

What do you think?

Marie looks Irish, as well.

There's something about her that's Irish.

-OK, we think it's...

-You're going to say...?

-It's the stripper story.

-You think it's Aisling? OK. Marie -

would you please reveal your true identity?

Sorry, er...

LEE SPEAKS PRETEND FRENCH

Je m'appelle Marie, et...

I booked a stripper for Aisling's birthday!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Go on!

Do you know what? Genuinely, for a moment then, I thought,

"Oh, it is me!"

You're not French, are you?

No, I just really wanted that story to be true.

Thank you very much, Marie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,

Quick Fire Lies -

and we start with....

-BEEP

-It's David.

I once accidentally left a goldfish

on top of a petrol pump.

Lee's team.

-Hmm...

-OK, when was this?

About in the late '90s.

The late '90s? That's quite old.

Where had you got this goldfish from, that you were

at a petrol pump with it?

-I was basically in a car...

-Uh-huh.

..with some friends of mine

and we were driving...

We were driving back from the Edinburgh Festival

and the goldfish had been a prop.

Is it in a bowl or a plastic bag?

It's... It's neither.

-What's it in?

-What?

-It's in a sort of Tupperware.

But it... But it's got water in, right?

Yes.

-And holes in the top?

-Yeah.

Yes, but none in the bottom.

We stopped for some petrol

and I fancied stretching my legs

cos I was sitting in the passenger seat with a goldfish on my knee.

You were travelling back with it on your knee?

Well, what... How would you...?

I wouldn't be so selfish. I'd have gone by submarine and towed it.

But I'm different to you.

I'm far more giving than you, David.

I think you have an exaggerated idea of how wide Britain's canals are.

Because if you tried to take it by sea,

the salt would have killed it, you barbarian.

Oh, it wasn't the salted goldfish?

A salted goldfish is a starter.

This was a pet.

-So you rested it on top?

-Yeah.

Now talk us through what happens next.

Um, I get out of the car with the goldfish,

-put it on the petrol pump.

-Again?

No, no, no, I'm sort of... I'm rewinding a bit.

Oh, right. So all right, I'll rephrase the question.

Tell us what happens next, but before that, go back ten seconds.

Because quite frankly, that was the gripping bit of the anecdote,

I'd like to hear it again.

So go on - then you all get back in the car.

Yeah, and we drive off.

How far had you gone?

I think it was...

It was several miles.

I at this point realise,

oh, I'm, I'm feeling sort of more comfortable

and less sort of stiff and clammy than I had been

for the first bit of the journey

and then I realised, oh, hang on - we've left the goldfish behind.

OK. What do you think, Lee? Is he telling the truth?

-June?

-I mean, I don't see why it's so important, but I think...

Well, I wouldn't say...

I wouldn't say so much "important" as we were

just engaging with the basic premise of the show.

And what do you think then? Come on, now.

Well, now I... You've put me under pressure and now I realise

what it's like to be a guest. I'm genuinely worried.

-There you are, you see what I mean?

-It's horrible, isn't it?

Don't make us do it, you do it. Now, what do you think?

He hasn't made an actual decision since Series Four.

I just relay what everyone else says -

I didn't know I was going to be asked what I think!

-June, we'll go for... The women will decide.

-Oh.

-Yes, brilliant.

-All right, it's a lie.

-Yes.

You say it's a lie, you say it's a lie, in that case, "true".

We could have asked the audience.

-We think it's a lie.

-True or lie? You're saying "lie".

-Lie.

All right, go for a lie.

So, David, the goldfish in the petrol station -

truth or lie?

It is...

-true.

-Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

David did once accidentally leave a goldfish on top of a petrol pump.

Next.

-BEEP

-It's Lee.

I found my girlfriend was cheating on me

while I was bouncing on a trampoline

and spotted her over the fence with another man.

LAUGHTER

What age did this traumatic event occur to you?

I was, er... 18.

So what were they doing next door?

Well, you don't want to know that, Adrian.

They were lying, believe it or not, on a trampoline.

You were trampolining in your garden?

-Yes.

-And you saw over the fence...

-Yes.

..into your girlfriend's garden?

No, no, she... She didn't live next door.

-Oh, right so into...

-Neither lived next door.

-Neither of them lived next door?

-Correct.

Why were they next door then?

Because there was a party going on next door

and it sort of slightly drifted into my house.

It was like two sort of houses were taking part in the party -

it sort of bled into mine.

What sort of trampoline was it, Lee? Was it an oblong...

It was the TS497 - the only trampoline.

I remember jumping up over the fence, seeing them kissing and thinking,

is that the TX417?

Where did he get that from? I wish we could afford one of them.

-Are we...

-"Stop kissing her!" Then I went...

-I think you know what I mean.

-Yes.

Was it an oblong trampoline?

Was it the modern one with the nets...

The circle with the nets up the side?

Don't say that! You know her name was Annette.

It was a trampoline with no net round the side.

Oblong or circular?

Er... Well, she'd lost a bit of weight...

I would say slim to oblong.

So, um... You couldn't see what was going on,

except at the top of your bounce trajectory - is that right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and then what do you see,

for an instant at the top of that bounce?

Are they already doing it?

They're not "doing it"!

Are they already kissing?

Are they already writing poetry? What, are they all...?

Have they taken their shoes off?

They hadn't taken their shoes off. DAVID AND SEANN GASP

There was more - worse though. It was the only thing they were wearing.

How long had you been seeing her for?

We'd been up and down over the years, er...

So go on. You're at the...

-You're at the peak of your trajectory...

-Yeah.

-..affording you

a wonderful bird's-eye view of the neighbouring trampoline.

-Correct.

-What did you see?

-I saw my...my then girlfriend.

-Whose name was?

-Name?

She was called, er... Joanne.

-So what happened?

-I wanted to have a proper look.

I went straight up to the climbing frame

and, er...sure enough,

my fears were confirmed...

-Oh, my word.

-..it was the TX497.

You must have been furious.

I was so angry, I was so angry.

So I came round, got on the trampoline and I went,

"Joanne!"

And she looked round, there was no-one there.

And then I went to the top again, "Joanne!"

She looked round, there was no-one there.

This carried on for a long time - "Joanne!"

So then I timed it perfectly, I said "Joanne" when I was down...

"Joanne!"

Well, it took a while before I worked out that system.

So what do you think, David? Is he telling the truth?

-I don't think so, no.

-Why?

Can I be honest with you? I'm not convinced either.

Lee, bouncing on the trampoline and spying Joanne,

truth or lie?

-It's a lie.

-No!

I would love it to be true, but...

BUZZ

And that noise signals time is up

and I can reveal that David's team have won

by four points to one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But of course, it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week

is June Brown.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, June Brown -

she's given us more rabbit than Watership Down.

Good night.

APPLAUSE