Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You? -

the show that says, "If it looks like a lie

"and sounds like a lie, then it's probably true."

On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's the comedian's comedian

and the hairdresser's nightmare,

it's Paul Foot.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the star of Getting On, where she plays a nurse

whose jobs include bathing old people and emptying their bed pans.

Forgive me if I don't shake hands, it's Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a survival expert

who can kill, skin and gut a rabbit in seconds.

That's the last time I take him to a petting zoo.

It's Ray Mears.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And a stand up comedian

who, until a few years ago, used to live with her nan.

Must have been a bit awkward for her to bring young men home

what with her granddaughter being there all the time.

It's Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

-And Jo is first up tonight.

-Right.

"Once, on Christmas Day, I was forced to hitch hike my way home

"and was picked up by four different drivers."

-CHUCKLING

-Lee's team.

Where were you going from and to?

I was going from London down to Hastings.

How old were you?

Er, I was about 17 and a half.

And because nothing was running on Christmas Day or you were skint?

No, well, what happened was I was meant to go home

on Christmas Eve but I missed the last train.

-So you started your journey in London?

-I did.

-And how long did it take to get picked up?

-Um...

-For the first bit.

-Not long actually. 10 minutes...ish.

And he said?

"Would...would you like to come back

"and have Christmas lunch with me? I'm very lonely."

-Seriously, he said that?

-Yeah.

What sort of a man was he?

He was a gay man in his mid 70s.

How far did you go with him?

LAUGHTER

No! Whoa, no, no, no, no.

I mean how far on your journey did you go?

He drop... I think he drove me about 10 miles.

-Right.

-Something like that.

-So that's the first person.

-Yeah.

And then do you remember the second one?

-Er, a woman...

-Yes.

..who picked me up round about the Eltham area, I think.

Oh, I like a euphemism early on in the show.

-ALL LAUGH

-Sh... Sh...

We've all been picked up in the Eltham area, haven't we?

Actually you're more accurate than you realise.

She actually did make a pass at me.

You... This is two now!

Well, um, she said, "Where do you want to go?"

And I said, "Down to the coast, please."

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh.

Did she go down to the coast?

Well, what she actually did was she put her arm round my neck

and tried to kiss me.

She didn't. What had led her to believe that this was

a possibility? What had happened?

The mistletoe on the wing mirror?

LAUGHTER

So she tried to kiss me,

I opened the door and got out of the car,

-and ran away.

-Ah, so that's...

That explains the second story.

Right, now get to the third one.

-What happened?

-The third... The third guy was deaf.

LAUGHTER

He...

I'll tell you what, if this turns out to be a lie, you deserve a medal

for the...

For making this as least plausible as possible en route to the story.

-But, OK, so he's deaf.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-And so, I...

I had to write down where I wanted to go.

-And you said Hastings on the card?

-Yeah.

-What did he say?

He didn't say anything, he just started driving.

-Oh, my God.

-That's a bit menacing, isn't it?

He didn't look scary.

And who was the fourth?

The fourth was a farmer.

He said that he was fed up with his family,

so he took me all the way to Hastings from London.

So he's having a bad day on Christmas Day

and decides he'd rather drive you to Hastings.

Well, he said that he'd told his wife he was going out for a paper.

That's the end, really,

cos he dropped me off where I was going.

Did you invite the man in for a mince pie or something?

-No.

-You didn't even invite him in?

No.

-Do you think that's a bit weird?

-I don't.

I think it's the weirdest bit of the story.

He's given you a lift all the way to Hastings on Christmas Day.

He's the only one who hasn't made a sexual pass at you.

He's been entirely honourable.

Just give him a little bit of a mince pie and some brandy butter.

So, what do you think? There's a lot of detail in there.

-I think it's not true.

-Based on?

I think she's just...

It's got too many characters, like a Tarantino film.

The bit I'm doubting is that...

Wouldn't you just write on a piece of paper, "Hastings"

and hope someone's going there, rather than,

"Anyone going sort of that way,

"and I'll keep getting out and getting out?"

Have you ever hitch hiked?

You sound very idealistic about it all.

"Well, I'm not getting in a car until they're going to Hastings.

"I don't care what day of the year it is."

"Hastings, no."

Paul does have a point.

That's not how it works.

You just go a little bit, and then maybe...

And that's part of the fun of hitch hiking.

Rob, don't try and pretend to me you've ever hitch hiked.

I know you well enough to know.

Getting at the back of a Mercedes once a week is not hitch hiking.

LAUGHTER

I've seen it in films though.

-So Ray think's it's true.

-True.

It's got to be true. Too wacky to be made up.

You think they're too wacky to be made up,

you think it's too wacky to be true.

Yeah, I think she enjoyed making them up.

So what's it going to be then, Lee?

OK, well, we'll say...

Be it on your head, Ray, but we'll say it's the truth.

Saying it's the truth. OK. Jo Brand, truth or lie?

It is...

..true.

APPLAUSE Ah!

Yeah, it is true.

Jo did have to hitch hike home on Christmas Day

and was picked up by four different drivers.

Paul, you're next.

-Oh, dear.

-LAUGHTER

"I am absolutely repulsed by beards."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

"When my friend grew a beard,

"I changed my phone number so he couldn't contact me."

Right, there we are. Lee.

-What's his name?

-His name is Ben.

Ben. And what did Ben do?

Well, he used to be a child.

Then, when he got older, he was a tree surgeon.

Right.

So, what is it about beards that you find so repulsive?

Well, it's just...

Like...like the idea of touching a beard is horrible

and it can't be hygienic.

I mean there must be dirt in it.

Well, look to your left.

I think you'd have to go a long way

to find a better, more respectfully kept beard

than David Mitchell's.

But David Mitchell can afford to have a beard cleaning person.

LAUGHTER

The average beard person just... They don't ever wash it, do they?

It's all dirty. Bits of egg in there and all sorts.

-You would never consider a beard then, obviously?

-Oh, no. I...

But on a windy day,

surely those bits of hair around the side of your head

are going to go over your face,

cos that's quite long hair you've got.

-But they're all lovely and soft.

-Well.

Whereas, with a beard, it's all scratchy and thick hair.

I imagine David's beard isn't scratchy,

I imagine David's beard is comforting, soft and welcoming.

And I invite you now...

..to enjoy David's beard.

I mean, strictly speaking it's not your invitation to give.

But you would be doing a great service to Paul,

who's obviously a troubled young man.

-No, I would be honoured were Paul...

-Paul, please.

-..to fondle my face.

Paul, knock yourself out.

Leave it to me to invite him.

Go ahead if it would give you pleasure.

It does not give me pleasure, that's the whole point.

I hate it, but, you know...

Oh, he's doing it. He's doing it.

He's do...

If this is going to make you throw up, I...

We can both do without that footage on YouTube.

Did you tell your friend why you changed your number?

Oh, no, well, what happened is...

He just... He used to have a smooth face,

then he grew... And it was a massive beard,

and it was all really long, and really unkempt

you know, like all long.

And then I just couldn't deal with it.

And you've never seen or heard from him since?

Well, I can't, because he hasn't got my number.

He can't contact me.

When was this, Paul? How long ago?

2010.

That's a long... Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to say years.

2010 years after the birth of Christ, is that...?

I mean, you've picked a good example.

If you saw an image of Jesus Christ,

would you have problems looking at his beard?

Or does it have to be a friend in your personal space?

Well, I mean,

Jesus isn't my friend in that way.

-He is, Paul.

-Yes.

And he's yours too.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But not yours, Lee.

All right, so what's it going to be, Lee? Is it true or is it a lie?

What do we think?

True.

Absolutely every word of it.

-It's a lie. It's got to be a lie.

-You've done the opposite again.

OK, so you're saying it's a lie, you're saying it's true.

-True.

-I'm going to go for true.

-You're going to say it's true.

-Yeah.

OK, Paul Foot, was that true or was it a lie?

It is...

true.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, very good.

Yes, it's true, Paul is repulsed by beards

and did change his phone number

rather than tell a friend he didn't like his beard.

-Ray, your turn.

-Hmm.

-HE MUTTERS:

-What have we got here?

"To hone my tracking skills,

"I used to secretly follow joggers in the woods."

LAUGHTER

-David.

-Which woods?

That was in south London back then.

South... The woods of South London?

-ALL LAUGH

-It could have been lots of places.

What you're saying is a park.

You followed joggers in the park.

A park, yes.

I've jogged through the woods in South London.

-I never followed your tracks, Jo.

-No, well, I only jog at 0.03mph,

so I'd be following you.

What does tracking involve, can you tell me?

Yeah, you're following the marks and disturbances

that animals, or people, or anything leaves as it moves along.

So what is the evidence of a recent jogger?

It can vary. So, for example, if...

It depends what the jogger's wearing.

Probably running shoes.

But they might have, for example, shorts on or long trousers.

Right, here's a question, imagine they've got shorts on,

what would they leave?

Well, then they would avoid maybe stinging nettles and brambles

-as they're running on...

-Whereas the ones with tracksuit bottoms on

are just going right through the bushes.

And you might even find fibres left on brambles

as the person passes by

that enable you to determine the colour of the garments

-that they're wearing.

-All right.

-Can I ask you a question?

Have you thought of getting a PlayStation?

-No.

-Just checking.

So you could find... If they're wearing trousers

and are therefore crashing through the nettles and brambles,

you can find fibres.

And if it's wet, you can see footprints.

Mm-hm, this is true.

What if they're not wearing trousers and it isn't wet? What...

If they're not wearing trousers, they're probably not a jogger.

Basic rule, trousers - jogger, no trousers - dogger.

That's how I remember them.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very basic system.

You've got to have a system for these things, haven't you?

So, when you're arriving at the woods

long after the joggers have gone,

what do you look for first as the start of the trail?

A muddy puddle, something like that,

where there's a clear footprint.

But then you're trying to establish maybe the height of the person

that you're running... Their personality even shows.

-Their personality?!

-Their personality shows and...

What like things like, oh, they like jogging?

Whether they're... Yeah, whether... Yeah, exactly.

-No.

-Best way you can learn, isn't it?

Whether they're listening to music or...

How do you tell if they're listening to music?

You can get a different...get a different thing in the trail.

Can you tell what they're listening to from the rhythm of their footprints?

You go, "Oh, this jogger's listening to samba music."

-I'm dying to know.

-I can't yet determine what music they're listening to.

-How do you know they listen to music?

-People move differently.

-Rubbish.

-Seriously.

-Nonsense.

So, David, what are you going to say, is it the truth?

What do you think, Jo?

Well, I think it's plausible.

It's certainly a very complete story. What do you think?

I think he does do it.

Well, I think, we think it's true, then.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Ray Mears, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?

It's a truth.

Well done. Well done, us.

Yes, it's true.

Ray did used to secretly follow joggers in the woods

to hone his tracking skills.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Andy.

APPLAUSE

So, Jo Brand, what is Andy to you?

Er, this is Andy, and he once helped me

break into an ex boyfriend's house

through the dog flap so I could steal all his pants.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Right. Paul, how do you know Andy?

This is Andy.

He is a great believer in telekinesis,

and, together, we conduct experiments

to try and move objects with the power of our minds.

OK. And finally, David, what's your relationship with Andy?

This is Andy.

I once accidentally nudged him into a fountain..

LAUGHTER

..whilst trying to take a photo of a tank.

Well, there we are.

Jo's fellow pants pincher,

Paul's psychic sidekick, or David's fountain friend.

-Lee, where do you want to start?

-Jo.

Mm-hm.

Just talk us through the incident again.

Well, I was probably about 18-ish, something like that, and, Andy...

You'd just got in from a long hitch, had you?

Yeah.

Um, and Andy is a friend of mine.

I was going out with this bloke who was a millionaire.

We went to a party next door to his house.

-He ended up snogging someone else at this party.

-Oh, right.

Who did he snog?

A woman with blonde hair. I can't remember her name.

Roisin.

So I was quite cross,

and I just wanted to...

do something to make my feelings...

And you decided to go through the dog flap?

-Yeah.

-What kind of dog did he have?

A St Bernard.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, he didn't.

ALL LAUGH

No, he had...he had a fat Scottie dog.

Like a Highland terrier?

-Yeah.

-They're tiny.

I know, but I was thin at the time. I was thin when I was a teenager.

No, no, no. You might have been thin but you weren't like 1ft high.

Terriers are like...big cats.

I didn't walk straight through.

-I wriggled through it.

-Wriggled?

-Yeah.

What did Andy... What was Andy's part in this?

Andy's part in it was that he helped push me through

from the garden side.

See, not as easy now, is it? You needed a friend to get you through the tiny...

-Well, a bit, yeah. And he kept watch in case...

-In case what?

The neighbours noticed.

Yeah, best way to stop anyone noticing

someone going through a dog flap is to have someone stood up next to it.

Yeah, a complete stranger standing next to the door's a bit suspicious.

-Well.

-When you got in the house, what did you do?

-Went to his bedroom.

-Yeah.

Got all his pants out of the drawer...

..and all his pants out of the washing basket.

-Ah!

-Threw them out into the garden,

and then we went and chucked them in a bin,

and then went to the pub or something.

Why pants? If he's a millionaire, why didn't you...

If you broke in and risked getting arrested,

why didn't you steal something, or break something,

or write on, like, a painting?

Because a bit of me wanted to do something

that he would think was a bit weird, and possibly not know it was me.

Did he ever find out?

I never saw him again.

-You don't know to this day if he...?

-..blamed the dog.

-He knows now.

-He knows now, yeah.

Well, hopefully he's dead, so he doesn't.

ALL LAUGH

Joke, everyone.

The good thing is, Jo...

..as long as you've moved on.

LAUGHTER

-Blimey.

-Right.

Who else would you like to quiz?

OK, Paul. So you believe it is possible to move an object

with the power of thought?

Yeah. It's not just possible, we've done it.

-What things have you moved?

-We moved a vase.

-You moved a vase?

-A vase.

How far did the vase move?

-About half an inch.

-Right.

-About?

How many times have you done this, Paul?

We've moved things about three or four times.

What other things have you moved?

We moved um,

er, a crisp...crisp packet.

Well, they do...

LAUGHTER

Was the window open by any chance at all?

No, it was full. It was full and there was no wind.

There's no way that could have moved,

-It turned.

-It turned.

-No.

How do you know it just didn't move on its own, without telekinesis?

Because if you put a crisp packet in conditions

with no wind, it won't just turn.

It could go on its own if it was Walkers.

It's got air in it.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Or Skips.

Oh, Skips, yeah.

Can you move fruit?

Oh, hello.

But, you know, I couldn't... It would take some time...

It takes... And it doesn't work in this kind of environment

with sceptical people watching,

and everyone all just sort of judging. It involves...

Is it better with gullible people?

No. No.

-You've moved a vase, a crisp packet.

-Yeah.

-You said there were two others. What are they?

-A remote control.

A remote control. Remote control. And what was the last one?

A cushion.

Have you ever visually seen anything move?

Or have you have closed your eyes, opened them and it's moved?

-Yeah, we've always closed our eyes.

-Yeah.

-And...

Do you know what? I think I know what's going on.

No, but...neither of us moved, we're both at opposite ends of the...

Yeah, no, I know. I'm not doubting you Paul.

I'm just saying your friend Andy might be a bit of a charlatan.

What about David?

Where did this happen then? Come on. Tell us all.

It happened, er, in, er, at a military museum in France.

Military museum in France, you're taking a photograph of a tank.

-Hmm.

-Which military museum in France?

It was... It was called

the Musee De Blande.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

Do you... What does that mean in English?

I think it means it's a museum of armour.

Right.

He knows I can't argue with him. He could say anything.

Whereabouts in France?

I th... It's sort of... I think it's quite near...

It's sort of in the middle-ish on the left.

-Now you're talking my language.

-Yeah.

And what were you doing there?

Er, I was looking round the museum.

-Museums... Tank museums?

-Yeah.

-Do you do this often?

-Well, we were, um...

-We?

Me and I... I've got a wife now.

-Wow.

-I'm surprised...

-It's definitely a lie.

To be honest I'm...I'm surprised that's never come up on the card,

you'd never have believed it.

-So... So this is quite recently?

-It's, er... Yeah, last summer.

Last summer you said,

"Darling, it's time for you to know the truth about me."

-Well, I'm...

-"Now it's time to know the real me.

"Museums, France. Come on."

I knew you had a microphone in our bedroom.

So, talk us through the incident with Andy

and how that actually happened.

Well, um, outside the sort of front bit,

there's like a piece of artillery and a tank.

And, er, I wanted to take a picture of the tank, as well I might.

-You know.

-What sort of tank was it, David?

It was, um... It was a German tank.

-Was it?

-A tiger tank.

-Yeah.

-A tiger tank?

-Yeah.

So, you've taken a photograph of your grandad's tank,

and um...

LAUGHTER

And then...

LAUGHTER INTERRUPTION

And have...

How did it crop up?

I want to know the actual mechanics of how he ends up in the...

I've not taken the picture at this point.

I'm trying to get the tank in frame

and I was backing away, you know, just slowly,

and I, er... There's a... There was a sort of...

-pondy, fountainy bit which people...

-A what?

-A pondy, fountainy bit.

Oh, right. I genuinely thought you were speaking French again.

-De ponde fountaine bit.

-Fountainy bit.

-Ah.

And I...I just, um...

-You backed into it.

-I backed... I just sort of...with my elbow,

and I don't know, he was obviously...

He was obviously what?

He was obviously... He was obv... I don't know, I was about to say.

I was about to see how that sentence finished myself, Lee.

Now I need another run up.

-Here we go. This is what I want to know. You've backed into him.

-Yeah.

There can only be two things.

He's either looking at you

and, for some reason beyond anything, he just thought,

I'd better just stand here and be pushed into the fountain,

or he's facing the fountain, in which case,

why is a man facing a fountain so far...

Was he weeing into the fountain?

LAUGHTER

He was standing on the rim eating a baguette.

Ho-ho! Was he?

-OK.

-Was he? Was he wearing a beret?

Did he have onions round his neck?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

How deep was the water into which he fell?

Um, about 8ft.

8ft?!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Not 8ft, not 8ft.

It was about a foot.

All right. We need an answer, so,

Lee's team, is Andy Jo's fellow pants pincher,

Paul's psychic sidekick, or David's fountain friend?

-David's fountain friend.

-Do you think so?

Without a doubt.

Well, please tell me at least there's a doubt.

SHE LAUGHS

I've never felt more confident.

Wow. Ray, are you of sound mind?

-I agree. I agree, I think.

-You agree as well?

Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, it was David.

Lee, you're not as sure.

I'm not... I'm not sure it's David.

Usually I would have dismissed someone pretending

that they've moved a vase half inch.

There's something about Paul that makes me think,

yeah, he looks like the kind of man who, in his own deluded mind,

thinks he has done it, and which, in itself, is a truth, isn't it?

-If you think it's true, then it's true.

-Yeah.

-But I think Jo's...

-Pants.

-..story is the most likely

because I've known Jo for some years,

and I can confirm she is bitter and twisted.

LAUGHTER

So your two team mates say one thing, you say another,

-what are you going to do?

-We'll go with David's...ludicrous story

and say that it was David.

You're saying it's David, OK.

Andy, would you please reveal your true identity?

Hi, my name's Andy

and I helped Jo steal...

-ALL:

-Oh!

-..her ex boyfriend's pants.

APPLAUSE

Whoopie.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andy. Thank you very much.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,

and we start with...

-BEEP

-It's Lee.

"A man from Brazil once taught me a very simple noise you can make

"that will always stop a fox in its tracks."

LAUGHTER

-David's team.

-Can we hear the noise?

I'll be honest with you, it's a very instinctive thing,

and without a fox, I, er...

-I'll be a fox. Ready?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

ALL LAUGH

Can you do fox not reading a book?

No, no, no, no. They know.

-They know.

-What's that?

They know.

You, you dumb...don't know.

-What's that?

-Ready?

Ready? OK.

"Come on, Mr Lee, come on."

-Oh.

-Oh.

"Stop me. Stop me, Mr Lee. Stop me."

I didn't think this would give Rob an impression opportunity.

-"Come on, Mr Lee."

-You can see him in the producers' room.

"Could we change, um, bear to fox?

"I can... I can do Basil Brush, I can't do a bear."

They can't...

Lee, they can't change what a Brazilian man once told you.

ROB LAUGHS

That's true.

That is very true.

Oh, that was like something out of Poirot, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Did this happen in Brazil?

It was in... It was in Brazil, yes.

And what was... What was the noise?

The noise was...

I might have to take a little drink to do it properly.

I can only stop a fox if I've got water.

Not many people know this but...

..the fox fears very few things.

It's true, you know.

But there is one animal...

That's my bushy tail.

There is one animal...

-Come on.

-..that, if a fox hears...

-Yes!

..the tone is so weird to the fox it will scare the fox.

And that beast, if I may call it a beast,

is the dolphin.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And the noise that you make is simply the noise of the dolphin,

which I will now demonstrate.

The fox comes towards you... and a simple...

IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK

..will stop the fox in its tracks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I just ask you

why would you want to stop a fox in its tracks anyway?

Foxes aren't aggressive. They don't run towards you...

-Foxes are aggressive.

-Foxes are aggressive.

-They gnaw at our recycling box.

-Well, can I just say?

They don't gnaw at my recycling

because I have a letter box and this.

IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK

They're off.

Was it a recycling gnawing scenario

that the Brazilian man was giving you this technique...

-No, no.

-..in order to avert?

This was just one of those crazy, drunken nights in Rio

that, er, I... I'll never forget.

I'll never forget sitting there...

I wasn't even talking really to this gentleman, and...

PFF, he was smoking a big fat cigar,

and he turned round to me and goes...

-IMITATES ACCENT:

-"If there's one thing that life has taught me...

-"..this...

-IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK

"..will always stop a fox in its tracks."

And he did that.

He blew the smoke into my eyes and we slept together.

ALL LAUGH

-Truth or lie?

-Lie.

It's a lie. OK, Lee...

..the suspense is killing us.

Is it true?

It is, in fact,

a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee wasn't taught a noise

that can always make a fox stop in its tracks.

BUZZER

Ah, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team have won by 3 points to 2.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

But it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week is Jo Brand.

-APPLAUSE

-Crikey.

Yes, Jo Brand,

devious, calculating and shamelessly misleading.

If she wasn't a comedian, she'd have made a hell of an accountant.

Good night.

APPLAUSE